I hate monogamy.

[sammie19]

Sammie,

Thank you for this post. As I said, my husband has agreed that I can have a girlfriend, just not a boyfriend. I think he is doing this to accommodate my polyamorous desires. But your post makes me worry. If I have a girlfriend, will that create problems for us?

I don't know Kcat. No one has a crystal ball when it comes to relationships. It depends on so many things. The kind of person she is, how she looks and acts, how your husband takes to her or even the reality of the relationship. How you react to her, talk about her or not and to his reaction. How or even if you listen to his concerns. Until you do have a girl friend, or begin to date girls, it is impossible to say whether it will create problems in your relationship with your husband or not.

A friend of mine says that every relationship is a risk, but if we did not take risks with relationships we would be alone. She is right, but we have to weigh up those risks as well as we can with the information we have to hand. That information will be incomplete, but no matter how deeply we are involved with anyone it will always be incomplete.

[just4mefc]

Sammie,

Thank you for this post. As I said, my husband has agreed that I can have a girlfriend, just not a boyfriend. I think he is doing this to accommodate my polyamorous desires. But your post makes me worry. If I have a girlfriend, will that create problems for us?

This was the same type of agreement my wife and I had when we first got together. I gave her free reign to have sex with other women but not other men. I had a bit of jealousy the first time she actually took me up on it, but that turned into a sense of connection between us. So it might cause an issue for your husband but it might not.

I quote myself from another post here.. http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showt...884#post172884

When my wife and I first got together, she was BI and I at the time thought myself very str8. I too said she should not be hindered and I was very open to her being with a woman. The first time was rather difficult I must admit. She had gone out with a friend of ours who happens to be a lesbian. They came back to our house after dinner. They came in said hi to me, my wife kissed me said I love you and they went off to the bedroom. For the next hour and a half I sat and worked on the computer. As I sat I did become more and more anxious. I found myself becoming very hurt and down right angry. All the classic questions ran through my head "am I not good enough for her"... "is the lesbian friend better then me..."... "will I lose her to a woman someday..." etc... . Finally they came out from the bedroom, the friend left and my wife came to to hug me. She could tell I was mad. She asked me "how you doin babe" I sat simi ignoring her "I'm fine" and I just pretended to work on the computer. I said so "did you have fun" in the most dis-engenuous voice you could imagine, I was holding back tears, confused, angry, scared, sad.... flooded with emotion. She could feel my anger through my voice and she would have had every right to come back with "what the fuck are you mad about, you said it was ok and now you are mad at me?" This could have been the end of us, right there in that moment... But here is where she was so very sensitive and connected to me. She said I see you are hurting and touched my shoulders, I started to cry and said yes I am so confused. I don't know why I am freaking out, I said it was ok but I am going crazy here. She felt horrified for having hurt me so. Said she only did it because she thought I was so ok with it. I said I thought I was. Now she was full of fear and concern. It was rough. As we talked about it I started to feel better. I started to see I was mostly hurt by my perceived exclusion. Then I realized she had in fact included me. She told me about it before hand, she did everything in the open, she was in fact in our bed as I was in the house. This really was an US experience. I felt stronger, safer knowing that I had been able to give her the space for such a strong thing. Gradually I wanted to know all the details... she told me of how good she felt and how powerful it was that I was in the other room in support of her. How very very good the sex was and how she came 8 times or so. I was both jealous and turned on. She started to kiss me and give me more and more details and stroke me and make crazy love to me. It turned out to be one very intense love making session. I felt so very included in what had happened at that point....

So yes it was very painful, yet very joyous. It bonded us in a special way, our relationship grew even closer. She had a few more dates with our friend and always would tell me all about it afterwards. She loved that she would have sex with her and then later get to have sex with me. She said this was a perfect balance. As I got closer to the friend and everyone developed faith that I was not going to flip out I was brought into watch. Ok now this was a mans dream come true. We eventually had a few 3-somes. Not your typical fmf, more of a ffm both the woman and I exclusively making love to my wife and not touching each other. That was 12 years ago and we are still together and have an amazing relationship.

So the pain can lead to an amazing place. My suggestion is to include him in the journey to the best of his comfort. This is such a strong love your man has for you. Be sensitive and allow him his emotion. Help him understand that it really is a shared experience even if he is not in the room physically.

As men we fear our bi women might be lesbians and have no further need for us. This is the continuing confusion on what bisexual really means. As you said if you are bi and you have a great man and supplement with a woman, or two here and there, why would you leave. Sounds like the perfect balance for the bisexual person. The challenge is to establish and maintain communication throughout your journey together.

The question is, do you trust him (and yourself) to work through any issues this might create? For us it was a watershed moment in our relationship so glad I took the risk and worked through the issues that arose. Today my relationship could not be better nor more fulfilling, the mutual discovery of self was an amazing thing to grow through. But it did come with some pain and self doubt along the way. The work is what made it special.

[ErosUrge]

It may create problems for you since you have written about how you are into lying and cheating with people who you are in relationships with.

Would you be OK with him going out and having a girlfriend or female lover of his own without you there?

He probably figures that you don't need or want another man because you have him and supposedly care so much about him.

It sounds like you are greedy and want to have your cake and eat it too by forcing an open relationship on your husband who doesn't really want one to begin with by cheating on him and saying "this is how I am! I'm bisexual so you have to accept that I need sex with others besides you! If you really cared about me you'd understand!"

Bisexuals like you give the monogamous bisexuals who do not cheat or want to lie and go behind their spouse's back and have affiars on them, a bad name.

Again another example of someone who doesn't get it and is very self-righteous. She never said ANYTHING about cheating or being deceitful; that is entirely your take. No one is speaking about lies and deceit here. Hiding and being deceitful are definitely not good for anyone including the person doing it. However, people do stumble and fall and make mistakes. And are they to be condemned for it and forever? How is it YOU are the one that is in charge and sets all parameters? You probably consider yourself a Christian also or that would be my guess. And the ones that profess to be usually don't live it but are ready to talk it. So if it is, once again, "He without sin cast the first stone"....I mean really...

She never said anything about cheating.

I think that monogamy is an amazing thing and beautiful, but not everyone can do it. But that doesn't make those who do not choose it less than those who do choose monogamy. If indeed it is made clear what we are when entering a relationship or what we at least intend, that is a beginning. Deceit and lies don't just happen with bisexuals and there you are mistaken to say that it gives bisexuality a bad name...so much deceit and lying goes on with straights and gays also; it has nothing to do with orientation. Deceit and lying is what it is and it's ugly and applies to everyone.

And how is it one calls oneself bisexual and is here at this site claiming monogamy? If one is truly monogamous, then claiming to be bisexual is a bit of an oxymoron. If indeed one is monogamous, then it would mean that person is no longer participating sexually with anyone except that person they are supposedly committed to. They may have been bisexual prior to entering a committed relationship, but the reality of it only remains in past experiences only. I know there are bi couples here that are monogamous and committed only to each other...and that they're bisexuality has more to do with the past than with the present. And I think they have a right like anyone to be here. Sexuality is so multi-faceted and everyone has a story. And as has often been pointed out by many at this site, labels get ridiculous after a while but we choose to use them to somehow describe something about us somehow.

However, when someone such as luv2eatass goes into an attack frenzy or just about every post he puts up is on a negative slope, things become quite clear about the makings of such an individual. But interestingly enough, luv2eatass has absolutely no information in his profile....which in itself is a bit suspect for someone who is so ready to make attacks on anyone here. It's okay that he doesn't have any info on himself as that is his prerogative. But it looks to me like he's hiding by not divulging anything about himself. Is he afraid that somehow someone he knows might find out he's here? Or have an idea it's him? And yet he is ready to come here and talk nonsense about lying and cheating, blah blah blah. Very suspect indeed.

Anytime anyone attacks someone so viciously as luv2eatass has, it says more about the person on the attack than the one they're attacking. There are other methods of presenting opposition than coming at someone from a self-righteous attitude. And anyone self-righteous in my opinion reveals what is obvious about them for everyone to see. I too am obviously a bit self-righteous by even addressing this and spending so much energy on it. It would probably have been best to not even respond to this as for those who can see do see what is at work with luv2eatass.

I expect a very intense retaliatory response to this and of course when one is on the defensive after having been on the offensive, they will usually show their true colors as has already been the case with him taking to the offense.

This doesn't have to be so ugly...and I do wish you well in your monogamy. That in itself should be enough for you. And if you are monogamous, what are you doing here at this website and is it with your 'committed partners' knowledge? I wish you well; truthfully.

[just4mefc]

Again another example of someone who doesn't get it and is very self-righteous. She never said ANYTHING about cheating or being deceitful; that is entirely your take. No one is speaking about lies and deceit here. Hiding and being deceitful are definitely not good for anyone including the person doing it. However, people do stumble and fall and make mistakes. And are they to be condemned for it and forever? How is it YOU are the one that is in charge and sets all parameters? You probably consider yourself a Christian also or that would be my guess. And the ones that profess to be usually don't live it but are ready to talk it. So if it is, once again, "He without sin cast the first stone"....I mean really...

She never said anything about cheating.

I think that monogamy is an amazing thing and beautiful, but not everyone can do it. But that doesn't make those who do not choose it less than those who do choose monogamy. If indeed it is made clear what we are when entering a relationship or what we at least intend, that is a beginning. Deceit and lies don't just happen with bisexuals and there you are mistaken to say that it gives bisexuality a bad name...so much deceit and lying goes on with straights and gays also; it has nothing to do with orientation. Deceit and lying is what it is and it's ugly and applies to everyone.

And how is it one calls oneself bisexual and is here at this site claiming monogamy? If one is truly monogamous, then claiming to be bisexual is a bit of an oxymoron. If indeed one is monogamous, then it would mean that person is no longer participating sexually with anyone except that person they are supposedly committed to. They may have been bisexual prior to entering a committed relationship, but the reality of it only remains in past experiences only. I know there are bi couples here that are monogamous and committed only to each other...and that they're bisexuality has more to do with the past than with the present. And I think they have a right like anyone to be here. Sexuality is so multi-faceted and everyone has a story. And as has often been pointed out by many at this site, labels get ridiculous after a while but we choose to use them to somehow describe something about us somehow.

However, when someone such as luv2eatass goes into an attack frenzy or just about every post he puts up is on a negative slope, things become quite clear about the makings of such an individual. But interestingly enough, luv2eatass has absolutely no information in his profile....which in itself is a bit suspect for someone who is so ready to make attacks on anyone here. It's okay that he doesn't have any info on himself as that is his prerogative. But it looks to me like he's hiding by not divulging anything about himself. Is he afraid that somehow someone he knows might find out he's here? Or have an idea it's him? And yet he is ready to come here and talk nonsense about lying and cheating, blah blah blah. Very suspect indeed.

Anytime anyone attacks someone so viciously as luv2eatass has, it says more about the person on the attack than the one they're attacking. There are other methods of presenting opposition than coming at someone from a self-righteous attitude. And anyone self-righteous in my opinion reveals what is obvious about them for everyone to see. I too am obviously a bit self-righteous by even addressing this and spending so much energy on it. It would probably have been best to not even respond to this as for those who can see do see what is at work with luv2eatass.

I expect a very intense retaliatory response to this and of course when one is on the defensive after having been on the offensive, they will usually show their true colors as has already been the case with him taking to the offense.

This doesn't have to be so ugly...and I do wish you well in your monogamy. That in itself should be enough for you. And if you are monogamous, what are you doing here at this website and is it with your 'committed partners' knowledge? I wish you well; truthfully.

Me thinks I hear the sounds of the circus clown once again luv2eatass different nose same clown... Just a thought

[ninetythree]

There does not seem to be much leeway even on this bisexual website for much creative thinking among bisexuals. Basically, most adhere to a normative monogamous relationship but I may be mis reading.

Speaking for myself, I don't have any problem at all with people not liking monogamy. If they can find a partner who accepts and/or embraces that, I wish them happiness. I just don't like the idea that if your partner wants monogamy and you don't want it anymore, it is OK to be non-monogamous without telling them.

Those bisexuals who find themselves in relationships with a monogamous thinking partner are not given much support beyond talk to your partner. Best, if this issue had been explored before the agreement but life is not perfect.

True. I sympathize with people who need sex outside of their monogamous relationship but don't want to lose that relationship. But a relationship without honesty isn't much of a relationship, in my opinion.

Sometimes a bisexual finds a solution other than giving up the relationship. Sometimes it is to go outside of the relationship and not discuss it. Sometimes, that is the best solution.

Can't agree with that. I think that is a horrible thing to do to someone you love. It tricks someone else into being monogamous when you are not. If a partner is so invested in monogamy that he or she would end the relationship without it, why is it OK to deny them that happiness? Bisexuals don't want our own happiness to be denied. Monogamous people deserve it too.

But if you're a person out there reading this who has decided it is the best solution, I'm sorry to come down so hard on it. I've been cheated on and had a huge problem with it. You feel stupid, disposable and completely taken for granted.

[sammie19]

Can't agree with that. I think that is a horrible thing to do to someone you claim to love. It tricks someone else into being monogamous when you are not. If a partner is so invested in monogamy that he or she would end the relationship without it, why is it OK to deny them that happiness? Bisexuals don't want our own happiness to be denied. Monogamous people deserve it too.

Classic Catch 22. One partner wants monogamy the other not. Both partners' desires can't be satisfied without one or other being denied.

[ninetythree]

Classic Catch 22. One partner wants monogamy the other not. Both partners' desires can't be satisfied without one or other being denied.

Relationships aren't forced on us. If two people ultimately cannot agree on something that is exceptionally important to them -- kids or no kids, monogamy, religion, career path -- then they might be happier with somebody else.

[sammie19]

Relationships aren't forced on us. If two people ultimately cannot agree on something that is exceptionally important to them -- kids or no kids, monogamy, religion, career path -- then they might be happier with somebody else.

You're right. Relationships aren't forced on us, but if we love someone and care for them enough then we do what we can to make things work. Even things important to us get sacrificed as do things which are important to them. It may not be enough, and we may not be able to hold up our end of the bargain but we try to do what we can to make the relationship a success. Relationships are hit and miss and we all make mistakes. We make promises we try to keep, but many of us fail for many different reasons. Even keeping our promises can and does put unacceptable strains on a relationship and dooms it.

No matter how much we love, or are in love and knowing we will never love so deeply again simply isn't enough.

[citystyleguy]

It does sound like a George Carlin comedy bit... "how do you TAKE a piss? I don't know about you, but I LEAVE a piss, I don't take one" kind of thing.

amen, to that!

[kcatthegreat]

just4me:
Thank you for sharing that. It provides a lot of insight and it's very beautiful that you and your wife have worked things out so well.

[kcatthegreat]

I expect a very intense retaliatory response to this and of course when one is on the defensive after having been on the offensive, they will usually show their true colors as has already been the case with him taking to the offense.

Eros,

Thanks for understanding and thank you for defending me.

However I have been warned about luv2eatass being a troll, so I'm not too worried about it. I'm pretty sure (s)he is just trying to provoke me because (s)he finds it entertaining.

Thankfully there are a lot of other people with insightful, interesting things to say about this topic, so I'll just focus on those posts.