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  1. #1
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    My life as a bisexual wife

    ***I wrote this over a year ago but felt the need to share it with Bi.com despite my misgivings about trolls and such. Maybe there’s a woman out there who’s struggling with her attractions to women or someone who believes negative things about bisexuals. Hopefully this will help at least one person. My life has changed in some MAJOR ways since I wrote this. My family and I moved to Texas from Southern Indiana a little over a month ago. Any new friends I meet in Texas will know that I’m bi…I don’t feel like I have to tiptoe around anymore since we live in a pretty progressive area (thank god). There are groups I can join and places I can go to meet women, without feeling like a weirdo. The other thing that’s changed is I don’t question or damn my bisexuality anymore. I love that part of me and am completely comfortable with it. It just took some getting used to!

    I am your average 31 year old married mom. I live in Southern Indiana in a big house on the edge of town. I go to college and adore my pets. My daughter and I like to go to yard sales and shop at Goodwill. I love going camping in the summer and spending time with my family. I love my husband so much it hurts. On the surface, I look like the most average person in the world. In reality, I'm nothing like that. I am bisexual. This might not sound like a big deal but for me, it was life-shaking. I was blissfully unaware for most of my life that I was attracted to women. I couldn't understand why I avoided the friendship of women, why I would get that funny feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever a pretty girl smiled at me. Most people won't understand how something like that can go unnoticed for over half your life. If you're not looking for it, you'll never see it. Bisexuality is like a disease if it's unrecognized. It slowly seeps into every aspect of your life until your relationships suffer and you feel like you're lost in a fog. Once it's acknowledged, it becomes a quest, something that you want to learn everything about and experience all at once.

    As a bisexual woman living in the heart of the Midwest, it's tough. I can't tell my friends and family that I date women outside my marriage, I have to hide the bi-themed books I read and keep my feelings to myself. No one except my husband knows what the pink, blue and purple bracelet on my right wrist means. Being bi has had its ups and downs for me. Some days I hate it. I hate being so attracted to the waitress in a restaurant that I stutter when she asks me if I need anything. I hate trolling the dating sites looking for a woman who doesn't mind dating a couple. I hate feeling like no one really knows me, except for my husband and the women I've dated. On the other hand, I love kissing a woman. I love the way her skin feels next to mine. I love the tender, romantic way women court each other. I love and nurture the part of me where my bisexuality lives. I love the way my life feels finally complete when I have a woman in it.

    My husband and I have a very strong marriage. It wasn't always this way. Before I admitted my bisexuality, I was closed off and disinterested in sex. Now I feel like there's nothing I couldn't tell him. He understands my need to be with a woman and doesn't get jealous when I check out a girl in the grocery store. Our experiments in and out of the bedroom have strengthened our marriage to the point where I know without a doubt he is my best friend and soul mate. I know it's hard for the mainstream public to understand why a couple would want to open their marriage up to another person. For me, it wasn't a choice as much as it was a necessity. I needed to be with a woman in order to be happy. If I wasn't with a woman, then I needed to acknowledge that I wanted to be. Just being able to admit to myself and him how attracted to women I am has changed my life. I believe I could go the rest of my life without being with another woman. As long as I have my husband by my side, I would be fine. Of course, I am lucky enough to have the option to date women and explore my sexuality. I don't have to find out what life is like ignoring the fact that I'm bi. I consider myself a very lucky woman to have a wonderful, supportive husband.

    My first foray into dating outside my marriage was disastrous. I met someone who was completely wrong for me but I was so anxious to experience being with a woman that I ignored all the signs. It grew to the point where my husband was resentful of her and she was jealous of him. Since then, we've adjusted our expectations and found what works. Dating another woman together has it's ups and downs. I remember the first time he was openly attracted to someone and what it felt like when he kissed her for the first time. I was devastated. I remember thinking, “So this is what he feels like when he sees me kiss a woman.” The ensuing night was phenominal but those first few moments were rough for me. Another experience taught me the value of being very clear and upfront about what I was looking for. Yet another experience taught me not to get my hopes up, a lot of women are toying with the idea of being bisexual when, in reality, they have no intention of ever acting upon it. In the last few years, I've been built up and let down more than I have seen things follow through. I've been led on and had twice as many dates cancelled than I have been on. The dating world for a married woman is brutal but I have hope that eventually the right woman will come my way. I have to believe that.

    I'm not “out” to anyone, other than my husband and a couple of friends. I don't intend for my family to ever know I am bi. I understand the need to come out, to finally have no more secrets from the people you care about. For me, it would be disastrous so I avoid the subject entirely. I don't think I need my mom to know I sleep with women in order to be a true bisexual. When you're dating women, that's one of the first questions they ask. Are you “out” and to whom? I'm not opposed to coming out, I think it's right for some people and not good for others. In my life, there aren't many people who would understand my need to be with women and my husband's understanding of that need. Southern Indiana isn't exactly a progressive state like that. Around here, you're considered the oddity if you're gay. Gay people are laughed at, made fun of, and in general, avoided. Coming out for me would mean my daughter would be aware of my sex life, something I really want to avoid. I don't think it's anyone's business what and who my husband and I do in our bedroom. There are people who chastise me for not coming out. I've been called a closet bisexual and more, in chat rooms and by women I've tried to date. Maybe I am but it's my decision to make. I don't need the complications in my life right now. When my husband and I move away to another state, away from our family, I probably will be more open about my sexuality.

    Living in a closed minded Southern Indiana town as a bisexual is hard. There are no groups I can belong to, no one I can really trust. I feel like I lead a double life. On one hand, I'm a devoted wife and mother, a college student and on the other hand, I'm a bisexual woman who is in an open marriage. When I talk to my friends, as few as they are, I can't really be myself. I feel like I'm putting on an act. It's hard when I hear people talk about how bisexual people can't make up their mind. I've heard people say bisexuals just need to pick a sex and stick with it. Believe me, we would if we could. It's not easy being attracted to both sexes. For me, I wouldn't have it any other way. Although it's hard, I love myself as I am and wouldn't change. Being bisexual isn't something you can turn off and on like a switch. It's as deeply a part of your genetic makeup as eye color. There have been many times in the last few years that I have wished it away as hard as I could.

    The other thing being bisexual has taught me is the value of loving and accepting myself. Okay, really it was my husband who taught me that but it was a result of being bi. I've learned that I can't stuff myself into a cookie cutter mold of what I think the perfect wife and mother is. The day I realized I was bi was also the day I took all of those preconceived notions and threw them straight out the window. Not that it was instantaneous, it was a long, difficult process of soul-searching and self-discovery. It was so hard to realize I was never going to be the woman I imagined I would be when I was growing up. I had to take everything I believed and shatter it. My image of self shifted. I'm still a great mom and wife like I always wanted. I'm still the person I worked really hard to be. I'm just a slightly different person and that's okay with me.
    Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, that sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. Emily Dickinson

  2. #2
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Funny how different bisexuality is for different people. Here's one person who needs to be sexual with both sexes whereas when I'm in a relationship with a woman I'm perfectly happy there and don't need more.

  3. #3
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Good for you Shy me luffly... amazing the difference a year can make to our lives. I remember your tentative steps and your shyness and lack of confidence... I'm not too sure that Still Shy is any longer the proper nic for u on .com.. at least with regard to who your really are.. but don't change it.. kinda used to it now.. and it will serve as a reminder of the days when things were so dofferent for you.. glad your happy me darlin'.. so glad things have moved on!!!!
    Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.

  4. #4
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Still-Shy, as a married bisexual woman too, I understand and applaude you whole heartedly. I am glad that you found a place where you can feel free to be you, and pray that your life continues to flourish. Good on you.

    Kit and Ki

  5. #5
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Hugs ya, Still Shy, that was very insightful, thanks for posting. I hope you don't mind if I pass that on to a few of my friends that are bi and struggling with much the same issues.

    And before anyone suggests telling them to come here, they have already said no out of fear that they would be found out by their families.
    Standing hand in hand with my love

    Cara ch' 'm blaidd



  6. #6
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    That's awesome Shy!

    I can relate with so, so much of what you wrote. In fact, I'm going to go read it again.

  7. #7
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Well done!

    Wonderfully written and obviously heart-felt! There's been some great stuff written, lately, and that's one of the best. I'm gonna be sure my GF reads it, too.

  8. #8

    Smile Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    this is exactly what i needed to read. Thank you so much for posting, and keep us updated!

  9. #9

    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    As a bisexual guy who primarily dates women, i can totally relate to what you've written. Its as if i wrote many of those same lines. Best wishes to you in texas. What part of texas did you move to?

  10. #10
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    a most beautiful tale of discovery; so sorry that you have had to hold onto that for a year, for fear that others will cause you harm when you are at a vulnerable state of being.

    it is of interest that there have been several threads on such personal parts of our lives; however, it is these revelations that can help us to understand ourselves, for the poster as well as those who will read them.

    damn the trolls and the like; know that you have the support, love, and protection of far more good souls here, and that the ugly ones are in the minority.

    know that you have the love the community here!
    get in! sit down! hold on! and shut up!

  11. #11
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Well written an heartfully thoughtout. All the best in your new home my friend.

    Belle

    PS Ignore the trolls...so not worth it when you have such wonderful things to say.

  12. #12
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    A lovely well written and heart-felt post.

    Whilst you may be shy you are strong and courageous.

    Wishing you all the best.

  13. #13
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    First of all, allow me to say this was an exceptionally well-written post.

    Quote Originally Posted by still_shy View Post
    I don't think it's anyone's business what and who my husband and I do in our bedroom. There are people who chastise me for not coming out. I've been called a closet bisexual and more, in chat rooms and by women I've tried to date. Maybe I am but it's my decision to make. I don't need the complications in my life right now. When my husband and I move away to another state, away from our family, I probably will be more open about my sexuality.
    I agree 100%. If there's on thing I can't stand it's gay/bi people who insist that "coming out" is necessary. I can certainly understand pride, but there is also the matter of counter-productive pride; if you being openly gay/bi gets you ridiculed, excluded from PTA meetings, and possibly even getting you and your family harmed then it isn't doing you any good to be "out of the closet". Some people are bigoted, and there's no changing that. They are permanently stupid, and if it isn't gay/bi people it's those of a different religion, or race, etc. Besides, why does anyone care what these people think in the first place? If you can keep an intimate detail of your life secret from someone who'd hate you for it, DO IT! They don't need to accept us because the don't need to know in the first place, and so long as you stay out of their way you don't have to accept them, either.

    The other thing being bisexual has taught me is the value of loving and accepting myself. Okay, really it was my husband who taught me that but it was a result of being bi. I've learned that I can't stuff myself into a cookie cutter mold of what I think the perfect wife and mother is. The day I realized I was bi was also the day I took all of those preconceived notions and threw them straight out the window.
    Isn't it great? So many people (even those who fully accept their sexuality) are self-loathing at their core; when you learn to love yourself you can begin to love others properly. Every healthy relationship has a constant push/pull at its center. If you don't get something out of it, why be in it in the first place? This to me is the focal point of being a self-satisfied, self-reliant, happy person.

    Cheers to you!

  14. #14
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Quote Originally Posted by darkeyes View Post
    Good for you Shy me luffly... amazing the difference a year can make to our lives. I remember your tentative steps and your shyness and lack of confidence... I'm not too sure that Still Shy is any longer the proper nic for u on .com.. at least with regard to who your really are.. but don't change it.. kinda used to it now.. and it will serve as a reminder of the days when things were so dofferent for you.. glad your happy me darlin'.. so glad things have moved on!!!!
    Darling Fran...You are so right....what a difference a year can make. I've grown and blossomed in so many ways since my first few months here. I first joined the site two years ago in hopes that I would find something, anything to help me come to terms with the changes in my life. Instead I found some friends to last a lifetime and a place where I could learn to love and accept myself as I was. I didn't think fully about how far I've come until pointed it out. As usual, you are right sweetie. I'm no longer the scared, little shy girl any more. And I love it!!
    Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, that sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. Emily Dickinson

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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Quote Originally Posted by DuckiesDarling View Post
    Hugs ya, Still Shy, that was very insightful, thanks for posting. I hope you don't mind if I pass that on to a few of my friends that are bi and struggling with much the same issues.

    And before anyone suggests telling them to come here, they have already said no out of fear that they would be found out by their families.
    Don't mind a bit...that's the reason I went out on a limb and posted this. I was hoping maybe there was a chance it would help someone else who was struggling!
    Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, that sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. Emily Dickinson

  16. #16
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    To everyone else who posted such kind words and encouragement, thank you so much. This post has given me faith in this site again, when I had long given up on it. Thank god for that, I missed my community I'm so glad you guys understood the message I was trying to send and took the time to read my story!!
    Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, that sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. Emily Dickinson

  17. #17
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    [QUOTE] Some days I hate it. I hate being so attracted to the waitress in a restaurant that I stutter when she asks me if I need anything. I hate trolling the dating sites looking for a woman who doesn't mind dating a couple. I hate feeling like no one really knows me, [QUOTE]

    swap the he's she's sexes and you pegged my life to a tee.

  18. #18
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Thank you for writing down your feelings and experiences. I could have written the same thing exactly about 20 years ago. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone. Hugs to you! The amount of strength and courage to be who you are and nothing less is amazing and I am proud of you and for you!
    Kitten
    The smallest feline is a masterpiece. -Leonardo DaVinci

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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Quote Originally Posted by kitten View Post
    Thank you for writing down your feelings and experiences. I could have written the same thing exactly about 20 years ago. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone. Hugs to you! The amount of strength and courage to be who you are and nothing less is amazing and I am proud of you and for you!
    Thank you so much for that! All these positive comments are really making my day! There's nothing quite like knowing I am not alone, that there are people out there who struggle and overcome the same things as me!
    Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, that sings the tune without the words and never stops at all. Emily Dickinson

  20. #20
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Still Shy -

    Thank you for that great post !!!!

    One of the last lines hit home for me...You said that you've learned to love and accept your self...to me thats the thing that has mattered most

    A.
    Last edited by csreef; Aug 5, 2010 at 3:49 PM. Reason: spelling error

  21. #21
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Great post Shy, to thy own self be true!!! I wish you continued self discovery, growth and mostly love.

  22. #22
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Life isn't easy for anyone, Shy.

    But it sounds like you have your head together and are going in a good direction.

    Everyone goes through their own personal evolution.

    I think you're rather lucky.

  23. #23
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Very nice post. Good luck to you.

  24. #24
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Great post!

    Thanks.
    The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.
    —A. A. Milne
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7E-aoXLZGY

  25. #25
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Take it from me, being a bisexual wife is no fun when we suppress and deny that which is ourselves.. I learned very shortly after marrying just what an awful mistake I had made.. yet I tried to make a go of it and in a way succeeded for a few years, because I had committed to a man I loved.. but as time passed I began to resent him increasingly and blame him for my decision.. eventually something had to give and it did as I rediscovered with agusto myself and my needs. It caused great pain to my husband and a bitter row in within my own family but thankfully time is indeed a great healer and ex husband and relevant family are now once again an important part of my life.

    I blame no one but myself for the break up and the lies which went with getting married in the first place. That family and friends lied for me by omission is something I can never forgive myself for entirely but they have forgiven me and that means a great deal.

    Now there is no dishonesty and I live with partner and childen as one who is in love should. I do not stray the nest however tempting it may be, but live happily within the relationship and the agreements we made regarding fidelity. I've had my cake and well and truly scoffed upon it.. I won't say no regrets, for we all have those, but I do say my life, for me, is just about as good as it gets...
    Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.

  26. #26
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Geez, Fran, I could have written that..........almost verbatim! I've struggled to write a coherent synopsis of those days, but never could get it right....thanks for that succinct description.

    Like you, I am in a much better place, with a lady who understands and accepts me. (and loves me the way I need to be loved) Maybe her own bisexuality assures that understanding, but how wonderful it is to not be looking over my shoulder and hiding in the shadows, while I perpetuate the deceit.

    It's been a long time in coming, but there's no one to blame but myself. I'm certainly gonna enjoy the peace and freedom!

  27. #27
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    I don't have much to add other than thank you for posting this. Very heartfelt for sure. I'm sure a lot of people here can identify with much of what you say.

  28. #28
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    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Thanks Shy! Truly inspirational and easy for many of us to relate to.

  29. #29

    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    Well, not to jump on the bandwagon, but that was amazing, and minus changing the genders, pretty much exactly my story, as well. Being married, being bi, realizing it, coming out to your spouse and some friends, but not your family: it's all my life.

    Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one who is doing/did all of this.

    I know I don't know you, and I hope its not to strange to say this, but I'm so proud of you. Well, proud of me, too, I guess.

  30. #30

    Re: My life as a bisexual wife

    You and your husband are amazing! I honestly don't know if I could have an open relationship like ya'll do my wife definitely couldn't. I'm less "out" than you are, only my cousin knows. I use think that being gay/bi was a choice however now that I've admitted to myself that I'm bi I know that (like you said) its as much a part of me as my green eyes. I'd do wish I could turn it of but I can't, my attraction to men (sorry I didn't say that I'm a 37 year old man) doesn't go away. My attraction is totally sexual I don't have any desire to date men. Its interesting that I a go through my day to day life I stare at women, find myself getting aroused by them and ignore men totally. Now, if I see the picture of a nude man? Wow! I go into overdrive! I think my wife suspects but I know her divorce and a ruined like (I will not be without my daughter) will be my future. So for now I talk on the internet exchange emails and have phone sex once or twice a month. Who knows what the future holds, I do wanna go all the way with a man this year may be the year. Best of luck to you and your family. Your husband is a lucky man, your beautiful and open minded.

 

 

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