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  1. #1
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    I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Well, yeah, title sums it all up. Currently I am dating a wonderful woman who makes me feel so happy just to even be with her. Kissing her is magical, dates are STILL a blast, and whenever it's time to part ways for the night, I always feel a sharp pang of sadness.

    Usually, like most posters here, my bisexual urges appear to come and go, meaning sometimes I feel straight, other days bi, other days gay, sometimes none of those. I know that I like women, or I wouldn't feel the way I do about my current girlfriend. I mean, we've only been dating a few weeks, but I do quite enjoy her Now for no more sappiness.

    Simply put, I just feel an incredible sense of guilt and frustration for my newfound sexual attraction to males. I mean, I've had these fantasies about a year or two now, and still haven't acted on them in real life. Whenever I have the chance to explore these attractions, I have declined them, preferring instead to masturbate over them for some reason? Or feeling repulsed.

    More than anything I wish I didn't get aroused by men. I try to suppress it but it always comes back eventually. My attraction to women stays constant. I guess I just don't know what to do to come to terms with it. I'm in pain for dating this great woman and still having these feelings while she remains unaware.

    Sometimes I'm not even sure myself...and that's a hard way to feel.

  2. #2
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    That's kind of how I was back in my 20s, except I'd cut loose and indulge my homosexual desires only to feel guilty about it the next day. It took some years for me to become comfortable with my sexual desires for men. Now you could almost say I'm proud to enjoy both men and women.

    But we're all different and just because you have a taste for men doesn't mean you have to act on them. Makes for a pretty miserable life always denying something you want, though. Maybe you would feel better if you told the girlfriend about your desires?

  3. #3
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    This is something that you and you alone are going to have to deal with, face, and accept about yourself. There's no sense fighting it.

  4. #4
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    What made me write this post is I feel guilty for having the urges at all while I'm dating her. For example, today I went on a cam site feeling in the mood..connected with a guy and started talking but once it escalated I disconnected before anything too sexual happened.

    I guess I just feel ashamed for even having that urge. I care about her alot and it frightens me I even considered that, especially since I promised her I never would ever cheat. Plus I feel like it's pretty early in the relationship to reveal that bisexual side of me to her. Any tips? I don't plan on exploring my homosexual fantasies any further in the relationship, as I want what I have with her to last as long as possible. I believe in monogamy and honesty.

    wow, even typing this makes me feel more comfortable with myself!

  5. #5
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    I agree with Mr. Suck. Facing it and accepting it are essential. That doesn't mean you have to act on it. Your sense of who you are sexually likely will change, over time, and depending on circumstances. But, if you are bisexual, I believe it is not going to go away. I never acted on it either. But, I waited way too long to face and accept it.

  6. #6
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Cam, I think you answered yourself...

    "I believe in monogamy and honesty."

    Honesty is not easy, but consider being honest. Let her know this special thing about yourself. Being honest about that, and about monogamy is probably the only way to reach the option where you can get the most out of the relationship. Otherwise, even being monogamous, hiding your true self will eat away at you and the relationship over time.

  7. #7
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by TandA91 View Post
    Cam, I think you answered yourself...

    "I believe in monogamy and honesty."

    Honesty is not easy, but consider being honest. Let her know this special thing about yourself. Being honest about that, and about monogamy is probably the only way to reach the option where you can get the most out of the relationship. Otherwise, even being monogamous, hiding your true self will eat away at you and the relationship over time.
    Exactly. That's why I suggested you mention this to the girlfriend. I don't see any other way.

  8. #8
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Hello to life.
    Conflicting feelings...

    Welcome to the club of life
    ...not just bisexuality..


  9. #9
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Camstar94
    I believe in monogamy and honesty.
    Those two things don't often mix well, and in your case both are over dominated by self denial. You are obviously not ready for monogamy IMO.
    I fully disagree that you don't have to act on your bisexual urges. Until you do, you are stuck in a loop where you punish yourself for having them and are fearful to be you.That isn't something you take into a monogamous relationship. You are offering your gf a share in your self denial and self loathing. Whatever way that is sugarcoated, won't be healthy for either!

    IMO put the relationship on hold and sort yourself out! By that I mean act on your desires and learn to accept them as part of yourself. You know how strong it is, and if you continue to fear something that strong, you'll psychologically self harm ALWAYS! You know damn well that needs attention BEFORE you promise monogamy.
    I have a fuckbud who visits me when his m-m urges are so strong that they overpower his fears of having them. When he cums, the guilt & shame takes over and he's reduced to fearful 'straight' and confused wreck! Its NOT nice to watch the change, nor is it in any way comfy for him to experience it. I have tried to help him and he's improved a little. But as Mr Suck said - only YOU can do that!
    IMO he (and maybe you?) views his m-m urges as something dirty, depraved and wrong. That's actually a turn on for some when horny, but when the horn goes all that's left is shame etc.
    You need to change that! Putting yourself in a monog m-f relationship is NOT the way to do it!

  10. #10

    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    CamStar,
    I hated the part of me that wanted MM sex for most of my adult life. Like Gearbox's fuckbud, I had MM sex only when the desire became overwhelming. (No post-cum melt down however.) It took a very long time for me to accept and now love my bisexuality. Hating and suppressing part of your sexuality takes a lot of emotional effort, and, at least in my case, had a negative effect on my other relationships. You may want to consider professional counseling to sort out your feelings.
    Bisexual Explorer

  11. #11
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Spot on comment by Gearbox, and BiExplorer.

    I might add that when I suggested he didn't have to act on his urges, I was more referring to those that think because someone is bisexual they can't be monogamous. Many bisexuals are monogamous.

    In his case, I'm not sure that's an option as he sounds so much as I was (and Gearbox's friend and BiExplorer) when I was young. As much as I tried to fight my homosexuality at times earlier on in life, it's best to accept it and even embrace it. I wasted decades of life trying to figure that out.

  12. #12
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    I appreciate the replies in this thread. I don't want to put the relationship on hold; the way I feel with her is indescribable...I feel the counseling route would be most efficient for me. I don't plan on keeping her in the dark forever, either: she's a woman, not a girl, and I'm working on becoming a man. Life is difficult sometimes but I can't keep running from this..as much as I hate these feelings. I thank you all for offering me advice and multiple options to consider. I know she is not homophobic either as one of her best friends is a completely out gay man. I also know I am at least making some progress by being able to come on this forum and subconsciously admit myself as a bisexual is a step. A few years ago, I would even consider myself straight while having these occasional fantasies...ha!

    thank you all for the tips. With so many roads opening for me as a young man, I need to settle this.

  13. #13
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by CamStar94 View Post
    A few years ago, I would even consider myself straight while having these occasional fantasies...ha!
    Exactly how I and a lot of other guys were back in their early years.

  14. #14
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Being confirmed that I was bisexual at 14, I've been a life-long bi.

    However, I too, have had my periods of guilt and self revilement. It took some time, but I finally accepted it and moved on with my life.

    We are who we are and we can either live with it, deny it, or go crazy worrying about it.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

  15. #15
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    When I declared my bisexuality to my dad and mum they were as supportive as I knew they would be. They had raised me to be in their words, "Who and what I wish to be..who and what I am... not that the world thinks I should be". Although there was resistance and serious criticism from my brother, that night my dad came to my room and we spoke at length about this revelation. He told me never to feel shame for what I am and that I can no more help the gender of the people I am attracted to than I can help the colour of my hair or my eyes. He told me that I can colour my hair and disguise it, wear coloured contacts on my eyes, but that my hair remains brunette, my eyes brown and that to disguise either is no more than a facade, just as disguising who and what I am sexually would be a facade, and so should never to feel guilt for any part of me that is the sum of my genes and my nature...and I never have.

    I may feel and have felt guilt for the wrongs I have done in this world and there are more than a few. But never have I felt guilt for the essence that is me, and a large part of that essence is my sexuality and the gender of the people to whom I have been and am attracted, and the kinds of sexual activity which that attraction brought about.. occasionally that activity has brought hurt upon others, and for that I do feel guilt, but not because of the type of activity, more my own lack of consideration for people, some of whom I did not even know, but on occasion some who were people I cared much for. I am not ashamed of my essence.. but occasionally guilt has surfaced when I have been unable to control it and use it wisely or sensibly. It is not what we are we should feel shame and guilt for, but how we use it.
    Last edited by darkeyes; May 23, 2013 at 11:35 AM.
    Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.

  16. #16
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    I wonder if you are aware of how lucky you are? I've never had children, but, if I did, and one of them came to me with the same revelation, I'd hope I'd be as benevolent as your parents were.

    My parents and the society in which I lived, would have never accepted my bisexuality. In many ways, they were good, honest people who were brought up to believe that any form of sexuality, other than heterosexuality, was wrong, a sin, and those who were identified as such, should be "cast out"!

    I'm talking not about mild retribution, here, but being disowned by family and a possibility of physical attacks by others!

    How different my life would have been if they could have accepted me and still loved me for who I truly was?

  17. #17
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Realist View Post
    I wonder if you are aware of how lucky you are? I've never had children, but, if I did, and one of them came to me with the same revelation, I'd hope I'd be as benevolent as your parents were.

    My parents and the society in which I lived, would have never accepted my bisexuality. In many ways, they were good, honest people who were brought up to believe that any form of sexuality, other than heterosexuality, was wrong, a sin, and those who were identified as such, should be "cast out"!

    I'm talking not about mild retribution, here, but being disowned by family and a possibility of physical attacks by others!

    How different my life would have been if they could have accepted me and still loved me for who I truly was?
    Realist, sweetheart, I know exactly how lucky I was and am. As a child I knew nothing but love at home. My parents gave me a better education about sex, life and relationships than school or I could glean from reading books. My dad was the nicest, most caring and compassionate person I have ever known and my mum is the same. They taught me that some people preferred their own gender and that I should never condemn any such person. That love between such people is no more and no less beautiful than that between people of different genders. Heterosexual they may have been, but both understood that more important than who we love is that we do love. I was raised in that light and as I grew into adolescence realised that I was just such a person. In those days my attraction was for both genders and as I babbled away to my parents of this attraction they realised they had allowed an oversight.. they hadn't told me that it was possible for some to be attracted to people of either gender. It was then I first heard the expression bisexual.

    So I do know how lucky I was. My parents were parents in a million and I have more to be thankful to both and owe them a debt greater than I could ever hope to repay. My parents are, in my opinion how all parents should be and our world would be a far more loving, compassionate and peaceful place if they were. Both were 1960s hippies and both took on board the ethos of that group of people and refused ever to quite lose it.. certainly not their belief in the power of love, and that it matters not one jot who we love, but that we do not deny it, but savour it, treasure it and enjoy it. They passed their belief in love and compassion, tolerance and understanding, as well as peace and non violence to me and hope I am a sufficiently fit and worthy person to live up to their teachings.

    It was not all plain sailing, Realist, for all that. Not all my family were very impressed by my coming out. My mother's mother considered me a devil child and an abomination. Some, although few now, others in my family thought I should deny what I am and conform. My own brother was livid and for many years we were estranged. What my parents taught me, they taught him yet he could not accept what I was telling them. There was a reason for that which I had no idea of until a few years ago and it was only then that we slowly came to understand and accept each other again as brother and sister. My elder sister, because of the way I blurted things out, hid her own bisexuality from everyone and often suppressed it for a very long time and only after my brother and I finally kissed and made up did she feel comfortable enough to declare hers. She was never ashamed of her sexuality but had seen how it had divided her two younger siblings and loved her brother sufficiently not to want to go through the shite that he and I did. So even in the most compassionate and understanding of families, there are sometimes circumstances, rightly or wrongly, when some will still go through hell and deny a part of their very being and circumstances when the teachings of which I speak will be rejected because of an individual's own personal pain..
    Last edited by darkeyes; May 23, 2013 at 2:11 PM.
    Do not think so little of me as to grant me your tolerance. Allow me your acceptance and understanding of who and what I am with the love, respect and dignity with which I do you.

  18. #18
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    Re: I hate being bisexual, and I feel guilty about it.

    I basically agree with Gear that you are not ready to decide whether you can be a monogamous bisexual. It is nonsense that all bisexual do not have to act on their same sex urges and foolish to promote such ideas. Some can. Some can not and still be happy and healthy.

    First, you need to understand yourself and what bisexuality is for you. This all seems new to you and you need to understand your own particular sexuality better. That takes time. Some biguys can be monogamous and have little need to be sexual with another man while others despite wanting to be monogamous find it very difficult. They are unhappy and sometimes studies indicate become ill or suicidal. Depression is the greatest illness suffered by bisexual women followed by bisexual men. Both bisexuals suffer much more than gay men and lesbians. Your happiness may not longitudinally be with this woman. She may be if you can learn more about yourself and she is open to developing a relationship with a biguy. Right now she thinks that she is in a relationship with a hetero man who is promising not to fuck other women. She has no idea that you are more likely to want to have sex with men and not other women.

    Second, learn to accept yourself. Presently, you want your sexuality to go away. You seem to believe that you may will it away. You seem young and the fluidity of your sexuality is unknown. Plus it may change over your lifetime. You see yourself as a 2 on Kinsey presently but over the decades that may change.
    Last edited by tenni; May 24, 2013 at 12:32 AM.

 

 

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