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  1. #1

    Am i in denial of being bi? does my wife know or suspect it?

    For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.

    I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?

    We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.

    I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?

    The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!

    My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.

  2. #2

    California - Other Areas
    Join Date
    May 2006

    Re: Am i in denial of being bi? does my wife know or suspect it?

    I can totally respect your feelings of not knowing completely if you are BI or not, and wondering how people are looking at you, and what they think about you. Unfortunately you have been talking to all the wrong people about this, instead you should have been talking honestly to your wife. I realize telling her is going to be the most difficult thing to do, but it's also a very freeing thing to do. You said she's asking you if you're gay, so it sounds like she all ready knows something is up and is just waiting for you to tell her. DO NOT discuss this over IM, text, email, or any other electronic way. It is something that should be done face to face, openly and honetly. It will be very uncomfortable at first, but hopefully she will be open to your feelings, and this will strengthen your relationship. Of course this is just my I wish you the best. Keep us posted on how it works out for you. You can PM me as well.

  3. #3
    Some Kind of Super Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2007

    Re: Am i in denial of being bi? does my wife know or suspect it?

    Gem is Absolutely correct. Sweetie. Talking to someone about something this serious via text or IM is ridiculous. TALK to her in person. Communicate openly, honestly, and tell her of your desires to at least Try it once or twice. See what she says, but I'm telling ya now she's going to be pissed and very resentful that you had the nerve to talk to other people over her. Its going to hurt her and make her mad as first.
    Good luck.
    I'm tryin' my best to leave a loving foot print on the hearts of the folks who's lives I touch..longly, or briefly..:}

    Women and cats will do as they please, so men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
    Robert A. Heinlein

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Couple - M/F
    California - LA Basin
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Re: Am i in denial of being bi? does my wife know or suspect it?

    Gem and Cat have given you a good start. Perhaps, however, there might be an approach that is less stressful for both you and your wife.

    You say you have been thinking about "bisexuality" for "10 years or so." You also state: "My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does." Those two circumstances cause me to question whether or not the two are related. You don't indicate how long you have been married or how long the sex with your wife has been just OK, infrequent, or boring. The problems with your marital sex life must be addressed either before or in conjunction with any discussions of the "bisexuality" issue.

    You might find it much easier to open communication with your wife by simply telling her that you know the fireworks that used to describe your sex life has become a warm candle and you are concerned because she and your relationship with her is so important to you. Let her know that you are interested in restoring the excitement you previously had. This can get your communication going and hopefully you can open up to each other about your wants, needs and desires, as well as what you want each other to be able to feel like when you make love.

    The issue of bisexuality can be addressed at the same time, or a later time, in the context of your beginning to have thoughts about it as your marital sex life dwindled. You can assure her that you have never acted on your thoughts or fantasies because of your marriage, her importance in your life, and your struggle to understand how and why your feelings about "bisexuality" developed. You don't want to hide anything from her and you need her help in learning to understand these new feelings and you want to work with her in coming to a decision about how to respond to them.

    It is difficult, if not impossible to predict what her reaction might be, but being open and honest is your best chance of keeping stability in your relationship.





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