Being bi and being married

[Bimarriedok]

Hey folks, I’m new to this site. Glad to see so many people here. I just thought I’d comment on being both a married man and bisexual. I’ve seen a number of posts already about guys who seemed worried or are/were in trouble with their spouse for their bisexuality. I understand the whole “I’m going to be open” thing. I did that long before I was ever married. So outing myself as bisexual is old news. Its not something that I feel I need to shout from the mountaintop so to speak. And its not something that I feel my wife needs to know about. She’s never asked and I’ve never said. Some might say its that way out of fear, but I’d be quick to ask – why get married if you plan to be with more that that one partner? You can be both bisexual and married. Heteros do it all the time, and gays have been fighting the long fight to have legal marriage. There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual and being married. From the bisexual perspective, you are choosing the one person you want to be with. As a good person would do when getting married – you remain true and monogamous with that one person. I love my wife and I’ve never cheated on her, nor will I. That doesn’t have anything to do with my bisexuality. And because I am married to a woman doesn’t mean that I am straight. There’s nothing wrong with being bi and married. Be bi, but also be true to your spouse.

[fredtyg]

Might I suggest that if someone is married, bisexual and monogamous, being bisexual is really a moot issue since for all intents and purposes you're living as a heterosexual and intend on staying in a heterosexual lifestyle.

Nothing wrong with that. I just figured out the other day there's little point in identifying as a bisexual if you're in a permanent heterosexual relationship.

Regardless, welcome to bisexual.com.

[AidanS57]

Might I suggest that if someone is married, bisexual and monogamous, being bisexual is really a moot issue since for all intents and purposes you're living as a heterosexual and intend on staying in a heterosexual lifestyle.

Nothing wrong with that. I just figured out the other day there's little point in identifying as a bisexual if you're in a permanent heterosexual relationship.

Regardless, welcome to bisexual.com.

You might suggest it, but that is merely your opinion. The fact someone chooses not to engage in sexual relations outside of a relationship, regardless of gender, does not make a person more or less of a bisexual. I do wish people would stop arguing about sex as the defining part of bisexuality as it is more cerebral than physical for most of us.

BiMarriedOk, welcome to the site and I agree with you, but I would tell my partner if she didn't already know. Thanks for posting your personal perspectives.

Aidan

[Bimarriedok]

You might suggest it, but that is merely your opinion. The fact someone chooses not to engage in sexual relations outside of a relationship, regardless of gender, does not make a person more or less of a bisexual. I do wish people would stop arguing about sex as the defining part of bisexuality as it is more cerebral than physical for most of us.

BiMarriedOk, welcome to the site and I agree with you, but I would tell my partner if she didn't already know. Thanks for posting your personal perspectives.

Aidan

My wife knows I come from a wild past - parties, sexual encounters of varied sorts, occasional dips into chemicals - and being quite reserved herself has said from the very beginning that she doesn't want to know anything about any of that. To her, our life started when we got engaged and that's all she cares about. So I don't feel any obligation whatsoever to tell her. Yes, for all outward appearances, I may appear to be hetero. But that's just image. It is I myself who consider myself bi. I look and fantisize about the men I will not have (though I've had plenty in the past), I look at online male porn now and again (to satiate the physical desire), but I am 100% there for my wife. My marriage was my choice. That I've chosen to follow a hetero lifestyle is the only moot point. I am, as you say Aidan, more than just about the sex.

[Herbwoman39]

Might I suggest that if someone is married, bisexual and monogamous, being bisexual is really a moot issue since for all intents and purposes you're living as a heterosexual and intend on staying in a heterosexual lifestyle.

Nothing wrong with that. I just figured out the other day there's little point in identifying as a bisexual if you're in a permanent heterosexual relationship.

Regardless, welcome to bisexual.com.

I respectfully disagree. As a Bi married woman, I think it's VERY important to self-identify. It's important that the general public understand that there are bi people that do not conform to the bisexual stereotype.

Being married also doesn't negate the same sex attraction. As we all know, being married and monogamous doesn't mean that you stop being attracted to the same gender. it just means that right now you're making a conscious choice not to act on it.

Welcome to Bi.com Aidan. I hope you find a home here the way i have.

[wrbi01]

I am married and came out to my wife back in Oct. of last year. Mostly because three and a half years ago my wife basicly stopped having sex with me. As much as I love her we have the "talk" every year that something has to change.... eather we have sex or sex will happen and she will not know about it. A couple of times after the first year of nothing I had sex with a couple of women.... it was nice to have someone beside me who was intrested in me and my needs. It was sex. Every once in a blue moon I hear from one of the ladies and we hook up.. but here again no emotions.. just a "booty call". Now that my wife knows that I am Bi she is accepting and dosent mind if I look for a male friend... and as much as I have told her that I can have sexual relationships without falling in love she is less concerned that I will leave her if I were to sleep with a man than another woman. Which in a way is very helpful to me... if I could find the right male partner. The bottom line is I love my wife... but I love having sex too.... so its leave the partner I have been with for 17.5 years and find someone who has my sex drive or keep the woman I love and who loves me and cares for me and find other sex partners to take care of that part of my life.... thats what I have decided to do...

[lizard-lix]

Might I suggest that if someone is married, bisexual and monogamous, being bisexual is really a moot issue since for all intents and purposes you're living as a heterosexual and intend on staying in a heterosexual lifestyle.

Nothing wrong with that. I just figured out the other day there's little point in identifying as a bisexual if you're in a permanent heterosexual relationship.

Regardless, welcome to bisexual.com.

One more in the disagree column. I am married (almost 32 years) and bi (like BIMARRIEDOK, I have a pretty crazy past), I came out to my wife before we were married, she accepted it and basically ignored it since we agreed to be monogamous.

However I am still bi. I am still attracted to men as well as women. If we watch porn, I am as likely to pull up a non-straight film and my wife enjoys them too (when she wants to see porn) and I still identify myself as bi where I am comfortable doing so (here, other chats, with some friends, etc.).

After all these years, our relationship is starting to open up, we have been to a swinger's club and while we didn't touch anyone else, we did share space with others having sex, so we watched and were watched. We are approaching it as 4-way dating and if we meet the right couple, we have agreed that sex could happen.

In the process of that discussion, it came up and she asked me if I was still bi, I just said 'yep', she nodded and asked if I had the hots for anyone in particular, I said 'no' and we just continued.. It's clear that if we have sex with another couple, I want to include same sex contact. I have said I really want to see her with another woman (she has expressed curiosity a few times), and I've been clear that I want to be with guys again too.

So just because I have been monogamously married, doesn't mean I am not bi anymore... I still identify myself as bi and would certainly jump in the sack with another guy at the first opportunity that works with our marriage.

So BIMARRIEDOK, welcome, I agree with you... I hope you enjoy this place.

Liz

[Lisa (va)]

Well first let me welcome you to the site.

I am also bi, as well as married and monogamous, by mutual choice, it works for us.

However, assuming one is no longer bisexual because they choose to have one partner ( same or different sex ) and be exclusive doesn't quite ring true in my opinion. As previously stated, one can still have attractions (to same as well as opposite sex) while in a monogamous relationship, we choose not to act on them

Not all bisexuals are the same, hence many don't like to have to adhere to a label.

In the same way that assuming monogamy is the only type of relationship out there that is suitable. Because monogamy works for us, doesn't mean it will work for everyone, the same way having an open/poly relationship works for some and not me. That doesn't mean that either one is right and the other wrong, it's is what is right for those in the relationship.

just my 2 cents

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Briar Rose]

I'm pretty new around here too. I agree with Lizard and Lisa and a lot of people here in this thread. In addition, and as a married, monogamous bi woman, I want to emphasize as Lisa and Lizard did, that things can change and that options are available if they do. It's just that they have to change with mutual agreement and an eye to keeping your marriage stable.

For example, my spouse and I talked it out 21 years ago after it was obvious that this was a serious relationship for the two of us and we were both interested in long term commitment.

Our original agreement was to be married and monogamous--which is where we are today, still. But also in our original agreement was the understanding that life throws you change and sometimes you have to change with it. If keeping the commitment is important so is keeping open the POSSIBILITY of flexibility--if we need it. IMHO, change like that is always a risk, but a lot of relationships break if there's no built-in bend.

We haven't had to use the flexibility clause but we know that it's there and we check in with each other about making sure needs are met regularly a couple times each year. And yes, that's both of us checking in, not just me. And we temperature check a lot of different needs--not just sexual, but emotional, physical, spiritual, life changes etc.

I don't know if that's helpful for anyone, but it has worked for us so far.

[bikiniman]

I Identify as bisexual although I have never had sex with a another man. Being Bisexual is more about the way you feel not how you act.

I did not recognise my own bisexuality until after I got married but remain committed to a monogamous relationship with my wife.

I find it very challenging to be true to myself and my sexuality and at the same time remain monogamous. I am not sure I will be able to live my whole life this way.

[r1648513]

I am also bi, married and monogymous (for now). I came out to my wife recently as having bi desires and am working with her on opening our marriage and getting to play with others together, so we can both have same sex experiences.

Only I should place a label on my sexuality. To say I am not bi because I am not having sex with a man, is to say that a young gay man is not gay til he has sex or a teen girl can't be straight while still a virgin.

[orangejelly]

I think its each to there own, but being in along term relationship like marriage should be about honesty and respect, trust and love.

When I got married I didn't know that my husband was bisexual in fact he didn't know for sure himself and neither did I know that was either.

Being married and honest with each other has opened up our relationship and made it stronger, for me being bisexual is a big deal and I join any bisexual network and lgbt group going and fight the rights of bisexual viability, whereas for my husband its a close thing that if no one asks no one knows etc, and we respect each others view on that.

Being bisexual and honest in the relationship for us, we know who we like real or celebrity, and we are both loyal to each other and have never dreamt of having affairs behind one anothers back, and in time we have decided we'd love to be polyamourus in our relationship together. But I also think this all happens with or without bisexuality.

[HzyJD]

Being the wife of a bi man, I am so glad that I knew the truth from the start about the man that I love. He is comfortable with himself, I am comfortable with him... The REAL him. We are monogamous now but I am a realist, this may change in the future.
Don't you feel like you're keeping a major part of yourself from the person you are supposed to love and respect above all other people?
What is the problem with her knowing?

[xpnstos77]

One more in the disagree column. I am married (almost 32 years) and bi (like BIMARRIEDOK, I have a pretty crazy past), I came out to my wife before we were married, she accepted it and basically ignored it since we agreed to be monogamous.

However I am still bi. I am still attracted to men as well as women. If we watch porn, I am as likely to pull up a non-straight film and my wife enjoys them too (when she wants to see porn) and I still identify myself as bi where I am comfortable doing so (here, other chats, with some friends, etc.).

After all these years, our relationship is starting to open up, we have been to a swinger's club and while we didn't touch anyone else, we did share space with others having sex, so we watched and were watched. We are approaching it as 4-way dating and if we meet the right couple, we have agreed that sex could happen.

In the process of that discussion, it came up and she asked me if I was still bi, I just said 'yep', she nodded and asked if I had the hots for anyone in particular, I said 'no' and we just continued.. It's clear that if we have sex with another couple, I want to include same sex contact. I have said I really want to see her with another woman (she has expressed curiosity a few times), and I've been clear that I want to be with guys again too.

So just because I have been monogamously married, doesn't mean I am not bi anymore... I still identify myself as bi and would certainly jump in the sack with another guy at the first opportunity that works with our marriage.

So BIMARRIEDOK, welcome, I agree with you... I hope you enjoy this place.

Liz

I am a bisexual male that is married and came out to my wife after being together for 11 years. I actually was very curious when i was younger in men but I was not attracted to the stereo typical feminine gay. My best friend and his partner were gay.

We had many sexual experiences with them over 2.5 years and continued to have sex with other gay men for another year. It took a terrible toll on my marriage, separating for 3.5 months, and I am attempting to salvage it as she really is the love of my life. I don't want to loose her.

My wife also is bi curious but will not allow me to touch another women so she gives up the option to have sex with females.

Were in Marriage Counseling now with an excellent therapist working on staying together. I do not know what I will define myself going forward. My wife asked in therapy the other day. She assumes that I have to be involved sexually permanently with men and I will want to swing. I want to be monogamous if she wants me to and if that is what we need to stay together. Scary concept in my head to never have sex with men or other women. Strange I was monogamous for 11 years and it never crossed my mind that I was monogamous.

Swinging and allowing other sexual partners into your bedroom can be stressful on the marriage. If our main goal is to stay together and be loving and caring as Dr Vic says then I will be monogamous.

[xpnstos77]

I am also bi, married and monogymous (for now). I came out to my wife recently as having bi desires and am working with her on opening our marriage and getting to play with others together, so we can both have same sex experiences.
.

My only recommendation is you really must do this is to enter into therapy together or some action where communication can be civil. Its a toxic field when you enter others into your relationship. Mine with my wife was great but my wife and I both suffer from pasts that made us insecure and jealous. Regardless weakness in personality and the marriage will show. Slow and good communication will make it much smoother and possible.

[xpnstos77]

I am not sure I will be able to live my whole life this way.

Wow. I was in the same position as you years ago and right now my feeling is my wife is more important. Time will tell for sure.

[BiJoe696]

I have found it is much easier in life to be open and honest with your partner you choose to live with or marry. If I could not be open and honest with my partner it would be living a lie and that would not be a good way to have a relationship.

IMHO

[zigzig]

I got married a week ago. Before that I was dating my husband for two weeks. I was honest from the start about my sexuality. Even though we never tried to find another partners, we're thinking of maybe try swinging. My husband is straight, but feels tempted by other women, because I was the second girlfriend he had, and he would like to be with more females. I'm lucky that we're both opened with our desires, otherwise I can't a marriage work with suppressing sexuality, since it is a big part of a happy marriage!

[zigzig]

Sorry! I dated my husband for 2 years. A misspelling mistake.

[tenni]

Post 5
"I respectfully disagree. As a Bi married woman, I think it's VERY important to self-identify. It's important that the general public understand that there are bi people that do not conform to the bisexual stereotype."

I agree that its important to self-identify as your true sexuality regardless whether you are in a heteronormative mariage or any form of partnership. First bisexuals must accept their duo attraction for their own sake regardless of heterosexual normative morality expectations. Since the poster is using monosexual morality she seems to be experiencing guilt and shame by referring to "bisexual stereotype". A bisexual has or should have the right to have sex with both genders and perceive it is normal and appropriate. If they themselves want to be monogamous and self identify as bisexual they should not see other bisexuals who want to be involved with both genders as a stereotype but a RIGHT for bisexuals. The poster clearly had not evolved in her bisexuality at the time of posting and seem to feel shame for their needs/desires as a bisexual. I recall that she may not have even had a same sex encounter at the point of writing post 5. It seems to me that she was struggling with her self identity in all its many layers of complexity. Bisexuals need to peel back all the layers of heteronormative moral values. We need to see things not as bisexual stereotypes but yes BISEXUAL RIGHTS.

Post 14
"I want to be monogamous if she wants me to and if that is what we need to stay together."

I am of the position that being monogamous for your partner is not mentally/cognitively, psychologically and emotionally the best approach for bisexuals. There needs to be a type of a paradigm shift away from such thinking in monosexual /bisexual relationships. You should not be expected to be monogamous because your partner wants you to behave sexually to their sexuality perceptions of what is right.

A bisexual should be monogamous if and only if they themselves want to be monogamous. You should not be expected to give monogamy for your partner's sake. It is monosexual moral values that are being imposed on bisexuals otherwise. It is stating that to possess a desire or need for same gender and opposite gender attraction is wrong.

[waughorama]

I disagree Tenni. Just because a person is bi does not mean that they have to be involved with or have sex with both sexes. As you quoted post 14 I'll go with that. He wants to stay with his wife. Therefore he will do what he must to stay with his wife. Meaning that if his wife wants a monogamous relationship he wants a monogamous relationship. This woman is obviously important enough to fight to keep. If he wasn't willing to agree to this as a condition of keeping his wife I'm pretty sure it would be pretty easy to end it at the point they are at. This is no different than a straight married man or woman looking at the opposite sex, even lusting, but still taking no action on it because they are committed to a monogamous relationship.

[tenni]

"I disagree Tenni. Just because a person is bi does not mean that they have to be involved with or have sex with both sexes."

I don't think that is what I am trying to communicate. "have to" is different from "have the right to". A change of attitude is required from monosexuals if they wish a relationship with a bisexual. Society is still very monosexual in its attitudes. Not all though. Why do some understand the difference between "have a right to " and "have to do what I want my partner to do"?

Sacrifice should not be an expected norm for a balance of needs relationship. Neither should have to sacrifice but neither should impose their value system on others. Only each of us may decide whether we are going to be monogamous despite what our partners squeeze out of us as a promise made out of fear.

"This is no different than a straight married man or woman looking at the opposite sex"

Ok. If the bisexual doesn't look at the opposite sex there is still the bisexual looking and wanting same sex as well. You seem to be thinking like a monosexual? I see that you identify as a 2. Are you open to perceiving that your needs may be lower for both sexual gender contact than other bisexuals based on your self perception?

Bisexuals have duo attraction. Some have a low same sex attraction and that is different from the bisexuals who are happy with one person of the opposite gender but STILL have a need for same sex activity. We are not the same as a hetero or gay at our very core.

[darkeyes]

Post 14
"I want to be monogamous if she wants me to and if that is what we need to stay together."

I am of the position that being monogamous for your partner is not mentally/cognitively, psychologically and emotionally the best approach for bisexuals. There needs to be a type of a paradigm shift away from such thinking in monosexual /bisexual relationships. You should not be expected to be monogamous because your partner wants you to behave sexually to their sexuality perceptions of what is right.

A bisexual should be monogamous if and only if they themselves want to be monogamous. You should not be expected to give monogamy for your partner's sake. It is monosexual moral values that are being imposed on bisexuals otherwise. It is stating that to possess a desire or need for same gender and opposite gender attraction is wrong.

Being monogamous was and is not what u would term a monosexual value... it is a value which has historically been placed upon human beings in many societies since human beings became sentient, and began to recognise the value of property. It was imposed upon women principally and lesser men, to ensure that the Alpha male's seed was spread about the earth and for the continuation of his line above all others.. it became enshrined in religion to ensure the rights of the powerful over other human beings.. it was, and to some degree remains, an instrument of power of one person over another and/or others... it has become institutionally accepted in many societies, not all, to confirm the power of one over another as a method of population oppression. That it principally has been seen as a heterosexual tool does not make it a heterosexual or a monosexual tool. It makes it a tool which has, because of the way our societies have developed over millennia, been erroneously considered such. It is a tool of oppression of one group of people over another and has been used to suppress those of us who are not heterosexual, as well as whipping everyone else into line by instilling in them respect for, or more accurately, fear of authority and power so that they acquiesce more or less to whatever is placed before them... it is a tool of the tyrant.. that it has developed in the way it has and is considered a heterosexual tool by many, a monosexual tool by some, does not make it so and so even although many of us live by that code... greed and power in ages past has made it appear so and has instilled in so many of us the guilt should we do other than recognise the moral authority of religion and/or powerful people.. principally.. men..

I have always disputed this reasoning of urs, tenni, for monosexuals are no less likely to stray the nest or be promiscuous than those who are not.. sexuality doesn't quite work the way u think it does.. bisexuals are different.. special as human beings but not special as a sexuality.. indeed such are the vast differences in the way bisexuals think, lust and love from each other, it is arguable whether they can be called bisexual at all... but whatever we call them, they no more or less need to adhere to the code of monogamy than do other sexualities, nor should their needs be treated and accepted as more special and apart from the needs of other sexualities.. those u call monosexuals are no less likely to want or need to break free of, or refuse to accept monogamy.. monogamy is a human thing not a monosexual (and I do wish u would flush that bloody word down the toilet where it belongs...) and derives from the need to control, not from any internal monosexual drive.

[tenni]

“it is a value which has historically been placed upon human beings in many societies since human beings became sentient, and began to recognise the value of property.”


I would agree except I do not know any publicly known bisexual who hundreds if not thousands of years ago made a lot of statements about monogamy? Humans have been ignoring monogamy or professing it while diddling as well for centuries..men and women both. Who placed the confines of monogamy on to humans? I do not know but suspect that it wasn’t a bisexual.

Whether the alpha male imposed monogamy of women or women imposed it on men, I have no idea but nor do I care. I support bisexuals’ right to have sex with both genders without having to pretend or believe that monogamy is for them.


“(bisexuals) no more or less need to adhere to the code of monogamy than do other sexualities,

I find this unbelievable. Bisexuals have two basic reasons to want not to be monogamous. There is really only one other sexuality compared to bisexuality and that is monosexuality (as in hetero & gay). I don’t hear too many gay people demanding the right to have sex with both men and women. I read “swingers” “lifestyle” people wanting this and some are hetero or perhaps gay but they usually want more of whatever sexual preference that they are.


“their needs be treated and accepted as more special and apart from the needs of other sexualities..:
I agree that bisexuals are not special in your eyes. We are different from monosexuals though in your eyes? We agree to disagree. I can not fathom how you see bisexuals with the same needs as monosexuals. Monosexual morality should not be applied to us. Hell, even gay men will on one hand argue against monogamy as some gay men argue for it.


“Id I do wish u would flush that bloody word down the toilet where it belongs.”
Which word? Monogamy...lol( cheeky wanker...I know )

What is the antonym of bisexuality if not monosexuality? It certainly is not heterosexuality. Homosexuality is the antonymn of heterosexuality.

[myschyfnmayhem]

I told my wife before we were married. As for monogamy,cheating,etc- A relationship is defined by the couple.

[The Black Knights]

My spouse and I both knew the other was bi well before we married. Ironically, previous lovers did not know because they were homophobic and would not accept such (not kidding). We accept what the other likes but we love each other first, foremost and always. Our relationship is honest and open on everything and we try new things together. Otherwise, we are like any other married couple.

[darkeyes]

What is the antonym of bisexuality if not monosexuality? It certainly is not heterosexuality. Homosexuality is the antonymn of heterosexuality.

Antonyms of bisexual are indeed heterosexual or homosexual. (OED) The word "monosexual" does not yet exist in British English although I accept it as a word for the purposes u use it and it may yet become accepted here.. hope not.. cos I still loathe it.. wiki certainly accepts it in the context u use although Webster is a little less explicit but I don't object to ur using it as an antonym of bisexual. Bisexuality and homosexuality are antonyms of heterosexuality.... and surprise surprise.. bisexual and heterosexual are antonyms of homosexual... so while I may accept ur statement in part.. it isn't entirely accurate..

[wifekinky4husband]

I am very happily married and bi. I do not long for females, but have no problem with having sex with them. Since marrying I haven't had sex with anyone other than my husband and do not have anyone I am "after" or "interested in" though I used to really enjoy sex with multiple partners and am open to whatever diretion we head as a couple. My husband knows I'd love for him to let a guy take him (even another female) mostly out of past experiences with bi males and strap on couples but also because to me it is HOT as Heck! It is just one of those things that turns me on in a big way. I'd love to spread him for another person. As for our marriage, we are good keeping it monogamous continuing to explore as a couple. I have not problem never having sex with another person so all is well the way it is, I guess the other is more fantasy or a strong desire I have but do not necessarily have to have.

[Chris_t_boston]

Let's not get into a war of words here.

The "rules" that we argue about are established by the players in a marriage. If one party is bisexual and both parties agree to open their marriage in some way, then that is an acceptable arrangement If one of the parties (presumably the straight partner) decides that an open marriage is unacceptable, the only acceptable solutions are monogamy or divorce. One cannot break the implied contract of monogamy in a marriage on their own.

I knew I was bi when I was 15. Got married and never acted on it until I was 53. When my wife found out, she felt the marriage had been a lie and that I didn't give her the right to consent in the marriage. she was right. But we have worked on it and are in a monogamous situation now. I still have thoughts and desires but the implied monogamy contract in my marriage must stand if we are still married.

[darkeyes]

Let's not get into a war of words here.

Tenni and I don't war.. 'bout words or owt else... we do debate and argue cos we like so many others have our own opinions and besides.. we like arguing with each other.. it helps keep us on our toes... he calls me Snow Bunny..... the cheeky sod... a name I have developed an affection for... teach me 2 tell 'im I loathe skiin'..