How to do monogamous marriage while embracing your bisexual identity?

[Snafu]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

[LouiseBrookslover]

When I figure this out, I'll go back in a time machine and fix what happened in my former marriage. If that isn't the question of my life. I'm a guy, but I could've written just about everything you said in your post. I'm interested to hear responses to this, too.

[Chickpea]

What you have written has some resonances with my experience too. I am a Bi man and my married relationship had already finished years before I started to meet and fall in love with the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is a beautiful Bi woman. Apart from finding her totally attractive I have found her to be so open, generous, exciting, passionate, intelligent, thoughtful, caring...the list is endless.

You see we have to hide nothing from each other, quite the opposite - we can just BE who we are. It's a huge thing to simply BE. Never knew that before. And never want to lose that.

It's such a freedom and a joy when you don't deny/withhold anything about yourself, or from your lover. In fact you can explore it together and grow!

Because we can express ourselves freely in every area of our lives together I believe I have grown in understanding and compassion too.

We are monogamous. Totally in love. We often fancy the same people, naturally. It's fun. We are not up for poly relationships.

I recommend meeting people who will understand you. If you meet someone very special and fall in love ... well .... you deserve it.

[DiamondDog]

I'm not currently married but I know if I were to ever get heavily involved with a woman or marry a woman it would have to be an open/non exclusive relationship as the idea of only having sex with one person/one gender for the rest of my life isn't something that appeals to me. I don't know if I wouldn't cheat or not but I certainly wouldn't be happy. I know if I were in a relationship with a guy I'd be a lot less inclined to cheat on him and it sounds weird but if I were in a relationship with a guy I'd want it to be predominantly exclusive.

[spartca]

Yeah personally I don't try to reconcile being queer with traditional heterosexual monogamy. Being queer and being poly go hand in hand in my world, *especially* because I'm bisexual.

Sounds like you would be much better off with someone who honors your bisexuality - perhaps someone who is also bisexual, multiethnic, genderqueer, transgendered, or somehow else really understands what it means to have a foot in two or more worlds...

I'm not trying to disparage those who are bisexual and monogamous. I've met them, they're nice For the rest of us, why conform to the straight paradigm by getting married to straight people who try to treat us as though we were straight like them? We queerfolk should stick together.

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

[glantern954]

I attend the bisexual meetings at our local GLCC, have done some minor activism and we go to pride events when we can. We also sometimes go out to gay clubs, or just hang out, with friends from the bi group.

I would say this has mostly satisfied me. I can't say we are monogamous by the strictest definition. Bringing someone else into our relationship is always something that is out there if the right person came along and there have been a few playmates along the way. But neither of these is something I feel like I am looking for or need to make my life any happier.

[bothbi2006]

Hello to all from down under,
Well im the female side of a married couple and we are both bi.We share our bisexual expierences together and live in a loving tight relationship.We have nothing but respect for each other and the fact that we only have bisexual fun together only makes us stronger.We are both so lucky to have found each other and we allow each other to really be us. Its quite fun when im on the net and see a hot chic and say to him wow look at her or the same if he sees a guy with a handsome penis he will say mmmm. I do feel sorry for you if your partner is too insecure to allow you to be true to you but you will find someone that will embrace your true feelings with out feeling guilty.I wish you all the very best of luck in your quest and are happy to be of any help or advice if you need it. Keep smiling (o)(o)

[jntqtees]

I don't know if this helps, but here goes. The answer is honesty. Be honest with yourself and your spouse. The honesty happens before the act. Not after. We have been married for seventeen years. My wife told me about her bisexual experiences and tendencies before we got married. Being young and horny, I'm picturing a threesome with two hot honeys. Well, that's not how it worked out. I forgot the emotion and feeling factor. When you get married and devote your lives to one another there should be a feeling of togetherness. When one breaks those bonds by being intimate with another, there are feelings of betrayal and resentment. My wife and I have gone through trials and tribulations over the years. However, the one thing we have maintained is honesty. My wife actually made me realize that I was also bisexual. We enjoy our bisexuality. Sometimes seperate, sometimes together. We always talk about it. Usually that leads to even better sex with one another. We are monogamous in the fact that we are only hetro with one another. We are not into just getting laid. However, we both realize the beauty and pleasure of being with someone of the same sex. Hope this helped.

[ghytifrdnr]

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me.

[DiamondDog]

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me.

true.

I mean if you go by the definition of monogamy which is one partner and one partner ONLY for the rest of your life, well I don't know anyone who matches up with that definition/standard, not even my parents or grandparents.

[TorontoGuy2007]

i'm definitely not an expert on any of this, but whether we are bi or not, we should still consider the definition of love.. someone shared this quote with me about love, and i think it makes sense...

"Love is not wanting to live with someone, it's not being able to live without them. When you love someone you see NOBODY else in the world but them."

whether we are gay, straight, or bi, we all seem capable of falling in love, and many on here seem to value getting married.. i don't think bisexuality is a good excuse for a failing marriage.

if straight people can stay committed to one person (instead of cheating with other opposite-sex partners) then bi sexuals should also be able to stay commited to one person (instead of cheating with either same or opposite sex partners)

so many people in this world tend to get into marriage before they even realize that maybe they aren't ready for marriage.. maybe they need to do more exploring and date and/or sleep with more people before they can make that big committment.. again, this goes for gays, straight, or bi people.. some people just aren't meant to be in monogamous relationships.. in fact, i think far too many people give into society pressures and get married, even though they'd rather be free to see multiple people concurently..

try ignoring your bisexuality for a minute and just think about the marriage.. think about the rest of your life with your spouse.. and think about whether or not you would die with regrets if you stay with your spouse..

if these regrets are there, then you probably shouldn't be married.. in that case, i'd say end the marriage and explore your feelings...

for a marriage to truly work, you need love, and you need that "nobody else" feeling.. if you don't have that, and don't think that marriage councilling can recover that, then perhaps it's time to end the marriage.

i hope this didn't come accross as mean or harsh, i'm just trying to remind folks here of the original reason for why we marry in the first place..

i'm bisexual, but all i care about is finding the right ONE person to be with. whether it's male or female, doesn't matter.. i could easily live my life having never been sexually active with one or the other, just as long as i find the right person to share the rest of my life with, then i will die a happy man.

but who knows? maybe i will fall into the same trap and end up in an unhappy marriage.. guess only time will tell.

[Colbalt_Blue]

This is what I have learned:
1) Honesty is very important in a relationship.
2)You cannot ignore who you are without creating resentment.
3) Compromise: You have to be willing to compromise and to work through things.

My partner is bisexual. He has a desire to be with women. He would like me to go out and meet other guys, but I don't have any interest in that.

So we had to set up some ground rules. He has to make sure I am first and this relationship and what we have comes first. He will not bring anyone back here to the house. He will always come home at night. And he will not tell me about these trysts unless I ask. (he is looking for sex with women, and nothing else at this point, but he's just 20 years old and that could change in time)

This has worked so far for us. The other thing that I have told him is that we will revisit the agreed upon rules if he finds that this isn't working for him any longer.

The point of the above is that you have to find what works for you and you have to come to some kind of agreement with your partner. This is what works for us right now, but it may change in the future.

I try to give him as much freedom as I can. Being so young, he needs to be able to go out with his friends, to hang out with them, and to grow and figure out who he is.

Standard disclaimer applies: This is what works for us, and your mileage may vary.

[Colbalt_Blue]

[QUOTE=TorontoGuy2007]if straight people can stay committed to one person (instead of cheating with other opposite-sex partners) then bi sexuals should also be able to stay commited to one person (instead of cheating with either same or opposite sex partners) - end quote


The problem with this logic is that one hand does not satisfy the other. All bisexuals I have talked to have said to me that if they have sex with a man, it does not satisfy their need to be with a woman. So most (all?) bisexuals need to express the sexual desires for each sex. If they are in a committed relationship with one sex, the need to be with the other sex builds up and the desire becomes over powering for some. Others can ignore it or suppress it.

Yes, they can suppress it for a time. But it needs to surface and be expressed at some point.

Yes, bisexuals can fall in love and do every day. But I am not convinced that the sexual desire is always attached to the love desire.

[glantern954]

I think SOME people are wired for monogamy, just not as many as our cultural "norm" would have us believe.

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me.

[Snafu]

[QUOTE=spartca]

Sounds like you would be much better off with someone who honors your bisexuality - perhaps someone who is also bisexual, multiethnic, genderqueer, transgendered, or somehow else really understands what it means to have a foot in two or more worlds...

QUOTE]

This hit a nerve. I think because he felt like my exploration of my sexuality was a betrayal to the relationship, that he isn't going to be able to accept bisexuality as part of me. Right now the relationship is so fragile I am afraid to bring up anything regarding it at all. But there are a lot of things that are right here. It seems like maybe you have to be willing to give up everything to be yourself, even when you are not 150% sure what that means exactly.

[AngelOfTheMystic]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am bisexual and married myself I am greatful that I have a husband that loves me and supports me. I hate to say this but if your hubby truely loves you I think that he would be willing to cooperate with you and let you be yourself like you should be. If we are not true to ourselves than we are nothing. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out.

[krrptyc]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off.

He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation, I think. I'm not clear if your "sexual exploration" meant that you had sex with a woman or you were just active in gay/bi support group or both. You also said you think of yourself more as a lesbian you occasionally likes sex with men. I read this to mean that you would feel more comfortable and satisfied in a relationship with a woman than you are with your husband. If this is the case, then perhaps you should consider if your marriage is right for you. You said you love your husband but you didn't say you have a wonderful relationship. Here's a big surprise, sometimes we love people who are not good for us (or to us).

If on the other hand, you feel that your marriage fulfills your needs (other than your feelings for women) you can tuck your true identity away and continue to walk on egg shells until your husband either gets over it or decides it’s just too much and he divorces you. Or, you can try to help him understand how much this means to you to in small steps. For example, you could reference a sexual preference or fetish he may have, perhaps one that you don’t understand, and ask him to explain why he likes it. My bet is that he won’t be able to explain why he likes it, he just likes it. You can then relate that to your attraction to women. That’s one small step. From there you can occasionally reference other parts of your relationship, sexual or not and relate them to how you feel. You may never be able to get him to understand or be comfortable with you “being true to yourself” but you will know you gave it a shot and you will know a lot more about him too. Best of luck to you whatever road you take.

[canuckotter]

I've been in a monogamous relationship for about 9 1/2 years, married for just over 3. My wife is bi too, but even closer to straight than I am.

Most of the time, it's not a problem for me. I rarely notice my same-sex attractions from day to day. When I do start to get antsy, hanging out on bisexual.com and otherwise acknowleging my bisexuality tends to help relieve tension. (For example, here I am today. ) If even that doesn't work, an adult movie or two generally do make the difference.

There are times when nothing seems to work and I spend a day or two (sometimes more) just feeling desperately lonely, despite a very healthy relationship with my wife. Those days are few and far between, so all it takes is a little willpower to get through them. Really, really unfun, but survivable. (Besides, I'm such a clueless goof that even if I wanted to go out and get laid I wouldn't know where to start... even if a horny guy was standing right in front of me )

So, my situation's a little different from yours (of course). I don't have to hide my sexuality in any way, and I have my outlets. Honestly, if I had to hide my sexuality, I couldn't handle a monogamous relationship. It kind of sounds like you're in the same boat, in that you need to acknowlege it and enjoy it (to a certain extent, anyway) or you'll go nuts.

If you're capable of (and interested in) maintaining a monogamous relationship with your husband, then my suggestion would be to do your best to reassure him that you're not going anywhere, but not to try to "compromise" by withdrawing from your local bisexual community -- that's not a compromise, that's him getting his way and you denying yourself something pretty vital to you. That sounds meaner than I intended... I'm not trying to suggest that your husband is a jerk. I'm just trying to say that a compromise that involves you denying something as important as your sexual identity... that's not healthy. It'll hurt you, and in the end it'll hurt your husband. Not a good idea.

[CountryLover]

My husband and I read this and looked at each other with a smile - we could have written this word for word.

We're so in love, so wrapped up with each other that there hasn't been room or need for anyone else - yet it's SO lovely to be able to express our bisexuality freely and openly.

What you have written has some resonances with my experience too. I am a Bi man and my married relationship had already finished years before I started to meet and fall in love with the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is a beautiful Bi woman. Apart from finding her totally attractive I have found her to be so open, generous, exciting, passionate, intelligent, thoughtful, caring...the list is endless.

You see we have to hide nothing from each other, quite the opposite - we can just BE who we are. It's a huge thing to simply BE. Never knew that before. And never want to lose that.

It's such a freedom and a joy when you don't deny/withhold anything about yourself, or from your lover. In fact you can explore it together and grow!

Because we can express ourselves freely in every area of our lives together I believe I have grown in understanding and compassion too.

We are monogamous. Totally in love. We often fancy the same people, naturally. It's fun. We are not up for poly relationships.

I recommend meeting people who will understand you. If you meet someone very special and fall in love ... well .... you deserve it.

[Snafu]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off.

My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation, I think. I'm not clear if your "sexual exploration" meant that you had sex with a woman or you were just active in gay/bi support group or both. You also said you think of yourself more as a lesbian you occasionally likes sex with men. I read this to mean that you would feel more comfortable and satisfied in a relationship with a woman than you are with your husband. If this is the case, then perhaps you should consider if your marriage is right for you. You said you love your husband but you didn't say you have a wonderful relationship. Here's a big surprise, sometimes we love people who are not good for us (or to us).

If on the other hand, you feel that your marriage fulfills your needs (other than your feelings for women) you can tuck your true identity away and continue to walk on egg shells until your husband either gets over it or decides it’s just too much and he divorces you. Or, you can try to help him understand how much this means to you to in small steps. For example, you could reference a sexual preference or fetish he may have, perhaps one that you don’t understand, and ask him to explain why he likes it. My bet is that he won’t be able to explain why he likes it, he just likes it. You can then relate that to your attraction to women. That’s one small step. From there you can occasionally reference other parts of your relationship, sexual or not and relate them to how you feel. You may never be able to get him to understand or be comfortable with you “being true to yourself” but you will know you gave it a shot and you will know a lot more about him too. Best of luck to you whatever road you take.

My sexual exploration consisted of me going to lesbian bars, becoming involved with a group of lesbian and bisexual friends, going to a womens sexual minority group, going to the International conference on bisexualty in Toronto, ...came out to my co-workers, mom, brother, went through 3 theripists (third one is a charm). I did get drunk one night and tell him that I had asked a woman for a kiss and she said no.

His gay brother told him that if I was going to lesbian bars that I most certainly screwing around on him because that is the only reason gay people go to bars and that they are meat markets. I think his statement was a reflection of why he goes to gay male bars.

Beyond that there was a thing or two...or so that was part of my exploration. Also I asked him a bunch of times if I could make love to woman because I wanted to figure out my sexual orientation. It truly was a feeling of being stuck and that if I didn't find out if I was gay or not that I would explode. I since have decided that I enjoy having sex with him. That women can in real life actually turn me on, and I am sure a woman could probably satisfy me if I ever go that far .. And I am willing to give the marriage a try, a year-ish. The relationship with him can indeed feel very good, when he shows up emotionally which is something he isn't liking to do and then blames it on his resentments of me and my bad behavior.....it's hard to say whether or not I would be happier with a woman because my women experience is fairly limited. Especially when it comes to relationships. I may identify more lesbian because I actually came out to everyone but my family in my 20s as lesbian. It may be internal biphobia too. Or it may just be that men are interesting and that women and their body parts are way interesting! My plan is to give the relationship a year and see if I can be happy keeping things a little under the radar and see if he can get past his resentments and lack of emotional intimacy. If he can't, then it may be time to move on. The more I think about it though the more I feel like the fact that he sees my sexual orientation as something bad is starting to sit really wrong with me.

[To_by]

Funny though -- it seems like you should be able to express your sexuality. I mean within the bonds of marriage and consent... Seems like love's the key.

[coppergirl1967]

Ya know I have never been with a woman and I love my husband with all my heart. Emotionally and physically. However, i have been able to acknowladge to him honestly of my curiosity with women.

He says he would feel ok my being with a woman. However, in the last few days I have watched some videos and chatted with a couple of women and have come to the conclusiong that part of my curiosity is not to give but recieved sexually when it comes to a woman. I love to give to my husband and I do not beleive i could feel the same with a woman.

so my husband and I have decided to watch some of these vidoes so that I can show him in more graphic detail of what i think that i would like. And for us we really feel this will solve my curiosity.

I can't help but wonder if many other bi curious women and possibly men are just more curious about what different things a same sexed person would do to us and if that would feel better. But, also do not necissarily wish to recipricate sexually to the same sex.

I hope this makes sense and would really like any opinions that you might be willing to offer.

[grant_33]

Snafu,

You are getting a lot of information that may or may not be doing you much good right now (monogamy isn't normal, being in a relationship with a bi-mate is wonderful, etc). Nothing against what's already been posted, but . . . .

From what I gather, you entered into your marriage basically hetero, then figured out after the vows that you're at least bi-curious and maybe even bisexual. People change all the time; you just happened to do so after getting married.

You have a spouse who isn't comfortable or understanding, at least thus far, with/about this change.

I see two possible outcomes. Either you change back to the way you were when you were married, or he changes to accommodate the new you.

You have to ask yourself and your husband if either is possible. If either can occur, then your marriage keeps going, with this incident acting as a speed bump that all marriages have from time to time. If neither is possible, then for all intents and purposes, your marriage is over. It is just awaiting one of you to pull the plug.

I don't say this as an advocate of divorce. I'm about to celebrate my 20th anniversary next month with my first and only wife.

I say this as someone who sees a very fragile marriage. Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells? Does he honestly want to spend the rest of his life being emotionally distant? Would you honestly wish a marriage like this on a good friend or a family member?

You are who you are, and he is who he is. If the two of you can't find some common ground with which to continue to co-exist as people who love one another and are supportive of the changes which occur within most all humans, then maybe it is time to go your separate ways.

Hopefully this is not too blunt, but after reading some of the posts, I thought maybe you needed this pointed out.

Take care, and good luck.

[Herbwoman39]

Maybe I'm just a little too dense here, but why does it bother your husband that you work with LGBT groups? As for the bar situation, either he trusts you or he doesn't. I mean, really. It's not like you're going to knock down and molest the first woman you see. It sounds like a trust issue on his part and that generally stems from insecurity.

Is he afraid you're going to leave him for another woman?

When I came out to my husband just shy of two years ago, we had SO many talks. We talked, we cried, I reassured him almost daily. I STILL reassure, though not as frequently. I check in with him once every couple weeks to see how he's feeling about my bisexuality.

Now HE reassures ME when I have a freak-out moment. But believe me, this did NOT happen overnight. It has taken us nearly two years to get to this point. Now we have ground rules in place.

I know it sounds like I'm asking his permission. In a way I am, but I look at it like this; if it was he who was bi, and I was straight, I don't think I would be handling the situation nearly as well as he is. So how can I begrudge him a few ground rules? I would rather hurt myself than hurt him. So we talk. We discuss what HE is comfortable with. Usually it's in line with what I'm comfortable with. If it isn't, we talk some more until we're both completely comfortable with the boundary situation.

In a way they actually help me because, since I'm a bi virgin, I have another reason besides fear and insecurity to take things slow with anybody I might meet.

My advice is don't try to push him too fast. Talk to him about what he *would* be comfortable with. Remind him that when you get all hot and bothered, HE is the one who wins in the end. Because if you're just kissing and petting above the waist, you're going to come home and molest the hell out of him

Trust and communication are the bywords. Always.

[PolyLoveTriad]

Well, if this was my orignal thread, Id have looked through all the replys and thought, although everyone is trying to be helpful, none of this is helping me lol no offenses to anyone at all I love you everyone here...

I was in almost the same situation as you. My ex knew I was bi before I married him. And he said he didnt have any problem with it at all, and in fact thought it might be nice to have a 3some at some point. Well like 3 years into our marriage, I met a woman, who I really liked. I told him right away when I realised I was starting to have some feelings there, what I was thinking about her and what I was feeling. He came freakin unglued on me. I hadnt even kissed her and he was pissed. He wanted me to be with him and only him. I said to him, 'yea well you knew who I was when we got married'.

Well, you notice I say my ex. I loved him very much and I still miss him even today. Leaving him was the hardest choice I ever had to make, but I decided that I needed to be free to be who I am.

Being bi-sexual is a part of what makes me, ME. If the person Im married to, or dating, doesnt want to let me be with a woman also, then as far as I can tell, they dont love me enough to allow me to express myself and be who I am. I knew I needed to be honest to myself and be good to myself and trying to be in a straight only relationship is supressing who I am and basically lying to myself who I am.

One other thing I wanted to say, you said in the first part there, that you prefer women over men. Do you think youre truely bi, or is it possible youre lesbian and yore just trying to do what you think is best for others?

My reccomendation is this, Take a week off from everyone including your husband. Go on a retreat of sorts, so you can figure it all out and be able to think things through so that you can come to a cunclusion that you can live with. Everyone needs a little time away from it all, even from our spouses.

Ive since met a wonderful man who I have been with for 11 yrs now, who happens to be bi also. We have been monogamous to each other for all of this time until we made the decision to invite someone else into our lives, who of which we havent found yet lol

I dont think you need to split up, or that someone needs to be with someone who is bi, but it kind of sounds like he may have something against being bi or gay and possibly homophobic.

Ok just me rattling on I hope you figure it all out!

[someotherguy]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).

[luvrnpa]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).

YES, YES, and yes. This is why I haven't acted on my bi-sexuality. So far, I'm only on this site to find out that I'm not alone in my thoughts. I don't want to 'cheat', so I don't. Physically. But in my thoughts, I rule the world every day! (lol).

[tatooedpunk]

I dont think you can,
I do cyber with guys but that is not "honest"
would love to find an honest way out but i dont think there is one

[Snafu]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).

Wow. OK, I don't mean to sound critical, but that sounds very idealistic, like something I would have said when I was on the way to getting married or with i the first couple years. So tell me you have been married 25 years and you have a great relationship with your spouse and that you feel this way abotu the other perso you are married to?

Actually, it brings up a whole other thought of how are people suposed to feel about each other 9+ years into a monogamous relationship? And what kind of differences are there between legally married society sanctioned heterosexual family of origin "supported" marriage and a same sex 9 year relationship? Does the same sex relationship end faster because your family and society doesn't pressure you into keeping it going at all costs? Or does it suffer beause that lack of "support" (pressure) not encourage keeping the relationship going at all costs? Do straight married people expect less happiness out of their marriage than non-married commited folks of any gender combonation? Does that sort of hijack my own thread?

Anyway on the first front I do think I am more into women than men, but I do love my husband a ton, he can turn me on and " do it" for me, but it is also hard to say if any of this is just "grass is greener" board of all these years...just not happy no matter whatville. I might be happier with a woman and I feel like one "problem" is that I identify as very very queer so I always feel gay and/or bisexual and/or queer...just different in a way related to sexual orientation and gender. And I always have the urge to hanging out with gay people, goingon gay travel, going on Olvia cruises. Everything is gay gay gay. But gay people don't know what the heck to think of me. I know I showup on their gaydar and then the find out I am married and they never ask, they just look at me like i totally confuse them. So I don't fit there either. Thoughts on any of that?

[thegreenfairy18]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

yay i am not the only one going through this my hubby cant seem to understand why im gay he is like i am not enough for you and blah blah blah i am like you are i just dont like dick...he is soo jealous when i go out with women...bc he doesnt have what i want lol