Can a Bisexual become Gay?

[tenni]

The meaning of "can" involves "being able" to physically and mentally be capable of doing something.

I recall hearing from men who identify as Gay discussing their awakening. Men who married discovering that they are Gay. I think that is different from a man who marries believing himself a hetero discovering that he likes pussy and cock. In other words Bisexual.


These men who recognize that they are Gay realize that may have perceived themselves as bisexual. Many of us have heard about these people. Some Gays use it as an argument that there is no such thing as Bisexuality. We are in denial and really Gay.


When I asked Gay men about emotional aspects of their sexuality, they gave interesting responses.


Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Some would say no and express repulsion over vaginas. Some would say yes but they didn’t like it?


Did you enjoy sex with women?
Most Gays say no or something was missing.


Have you ever been in love with a woman?
This is the interesting part. Some Gay men who identified as Gay after thinking themselves hetero then bisexual give an interesting answer. Some who married state that they “love their wife but are not in love with her”. “They didn’t know what love was until they fell in love with a man”.


Can a person become Gay after thinking themselves heterosexual?
I would say yes.


Can a person become Gay after thinking themselves bisexual?
Yes. That is different from I was bisexual and then I became Gay.


It may come down to discussing their emotional love attachment feelings like the Gay men that I interviewed years ago.

I have seen recently men who identified as Gay awakening to sexual interest in women. Were they always bisexual and initially their swing was dominantly same sex to later have their sexual attraction suddenly swing towards women? Some state that they felt GL pressure to conform to same sex and it was hard to "come out" as bisexual...first to themselves. Might the sexual attraction swing back to men again? If they are bisexual it might. Would they then be Gay again? or na...They would be bisexual?

Once bisexual..always bisexual? I'd say yes...you never know when the swing might happen...repress it all you want., we bisexuals can not will our sexuality to be hetero or gay.

Can a bisexual "become" Gay or were they really always Gay?

Some who see bisexuality as very fluid will say yes ...cuz they tend to be unclear or dislike boundaries. Jokingly someone told me recently that bisexuals tend to want it all. Therefore bisexuals can be all sexualities if they want to..lol (yes the person was bisexual who said this)

Your thoughts?

[Realist]

I've been in committed, but open relationships with a few of my male partners. I loved them, and shared many mutual interests with them. I could have easily been satisfied to live with them in a committed, but open agreement.

But, I doubt if I would have ever been exclusively gay.

[Bisexual Explorer]

Another thread regarding sexual identity. As I get older, I find myself increasingly drawn to having sex with men. Should I decide to have sex exclusively with men, have I gone from bi to gay or have I finally recognized my inherent gayness? Straight, gay, or lesbians who need to put a label on me are free to do so. I don't need them.
Bisexual Explorer

[tenni]

I see your point Bisexual Explorer.

Often, it is stated (by bisexuals) that our sexuality is something that only we can define or determine ourselves. For those like yourself, I would suggest that you may be exhibiting a trait of bisexuality itself. The desire to be fluid and undefined seems to be a comment repeated on this site.

However, our sexuality is not really just a private and personal thing despite how much some of us would like it to be. There is a socio political aspect to sexuality. While the bisexuals are vascilating and wanting no boundaries, the monosexuals are gobbling up the publicity and money to fund research, sexual health services, political clout etc.

Inaction and a lack of clarity has us in positions where the other sexualities are busy defining sexuality and life...lol Can bisexuals become Gay, well those who are ambivalent seem to say ok. If you want to.

[Gearbox]

Yes, IMO nobodies sexuality is set in stone and we can do bugger all to direct our sexuality into any particular 'box'. It dictates to us, not the other way round.One day I might discover that I have a lost my attraction to either gender and will opt for a hetro or gay tag. THAT is all I could do about it!lolIt's what causes our sexualities to swing or change that fascinates me! What goes on 'behind the curtain' is a mystery, but we know that SOMETHING goes on there.

[tenni]

Gear
If you have deeply loved a woman or many women and you then fall in love with a man. You only want to have sex with men. Are you not still bisexual because you did really enjoy sex with a woman and loved her deeply? Gay people do not experience this at all. Nor do heteros fall deeply sexually in love with same sex.

You may live as a guy who only wants sex with another man now....but you know that it is not forever...lol

[Gearbox]

I only had sex&relationships with women while wanking about men, and now I do the oposite.lolIn my mind I was born bi, and expect I'll die bi, coz I've never experienced being straight or gay. Although I believe that ALL sexuality is fluid and can change, that doesn't mean it will! Some live whole lives without change, but that doesn't mean their particular sexuality (LBGH)is a rock solid unwavering linear. That myth is proactively dished out about homosexuality the most IMO. It's bollox! Yet I hear it from SOME gays often enough to take note. It's as if by labelling themselves 'gay' they are obligated to reject past sexual/emotional attractions of a heterosexual nature. They 'found the light'! Yet they describe a hetero or bi sexuality beforehand. THAT is labeled as 'denial' and compartmentalised as 'a journey to self acceptance'. It seems to be not only pro-gay, but pro-monosexuality, THAT (IMO) is not being accepting of ANY sexuality. And it OFTEN shows when I discuss MY sexuality with SOME gay men. SOME hetero's are convinced that one lick of a same gender means you've turned to the 'other side' and was 'living a lie' too.lolMono is easier to deal with and bi's mess that up! WHY? I don't know!

[onesucker4u]

I could,but most likely with a younger guy, because of their beauty. I could have been exclusive with 2 men that I have had threesums with them and my girlfriend. I actually was falling in love with one beautifull, very loving (to both of us) man that I could see me cuddling and kissing, because he was just so nice and easy to be with,not to mention willing to do anything sexually. The other was even younger 24, and had a tiny hairless body that I wish I had fucked his cute little butt- I did enjoy tonguing him while he fucked my girlfriend and I've never done that before. I have never desired to fuck a guys but before, turned off by hair.

[TNMike]

Hi all. I'm jumping into my first discussion here. For most of my life, I identified as 100 percent absolutely straight, because after all I could look at a woman and be attracted to her, and everyone said it wasn't cool to be not straight, so I was straight. And I really believed it. Now, not so much. I'm still attracted to females, but I'm ok with thinking about guys too. So, is it that my sexuality is that fluid, or was I just in a profound case of denial for most of my life? I tend to think it's a little of both. Do you all think that if most people were honest with themselves, we're all on a sliding scale?

[dafydd]

Tenni, how do u know what most gays experience or feel, or desire, or crave, or miss or have never missed?
U can only know what u feel, and what u desire, and what u need..
That's the only person worth asking those questions to....yourself....
or ourselves, ..each individual must know itself... But by itself only..., and though this well meaning curiosity into the minds of others is good stuff, its ultimately useless in the search for understanding within our own actions and thoughts.

Unless,....
..your just a nosey bugger.. And want to know what makes dick tick..:-) .:-)

[tenni]

Daf.

I agree that we can only know about ourselves.

I know certain things because I asked men who identified as Gay what they felt and desired. They answered questions for me. They told me how they felt and desired. I read for about five years the thoughts of gay men on a site for gay men. The rare odd one dared to ask if they were bisexual because they were curious about having sex with a woman. Most did not have that doubt...or at least didn’t publicly ponder it. Those that ponder a possibility of attraction to both genders didn’t mean that they were bisexual necessarily. One still clung to the gay identity but still his curiousity remained. He did not dare explore it though.

Yes I am a nosey bugger. Yes, I know what makes dick tick..being the owner of an older model myself...

You may stroke the model but do not kick the tires...lol

[elian]

Oh tenni, if we knew the answer to that question we would know the answer to so many others about just what being LGBT is all about.

When I was younger I used to think of myself as gay because that is all I knew about myself and how I related to the world, if that makes sense. With more information and experience my perception changed.

I think it is possible to change your response to situations, but it is very hard to deny who you are physically attracted to - I would say impossible. "Who we are" starts being formed at a very young age, Any "denial" seems to be an attempt by the mind and body to stave off harm; and a person absolutely can lie to themselves. You would be surprised just what our minds and bodies will do to try to stay alive or "comfortable".

We learn from the model of a neural network. Genetics plays a part but also you can drop a baby in an environment with no preconceived notions and it will learn to adapt to that environment based on feedback from others around and historical information. A nervous breakdown is when someone's learned internal model of behavior no longer fits external reality.

I ran into my grade school girlfriend a few years ago and she said that she didn't think I had changed. I would've liked to know what she was seeing on the outside because I feel at least on the inside that I have grown a lot since then. Maybe it isn't really a matter of "changing" but rather as more is revealed through inner discovery we find out who we already are.

I am in no way making a judgment about whether or not it is "appropriate" for someone to be gay, or bi, or both .. I don't own or control other people's perceptions of themselves, nor do I want to.

[bipolynvegas]

All human's are technically and bisexual build humans All humans are capable of being sexually attracted to both genders or just one at various stages of sexual identy. Thus you can be straight or gay within your bisexually build human body. And change back and forth bi the way.

[dafydd]

Some humans are built to a different design. The bisexual model of fluid sexuality is still a model, and can be just as cookie cutter in its idealized notion of sexually diverse humans. The uber bisexual is just as constraining an image as the myopic fuck-wittery of rigid hetero gender roles. Not everyone's sexual desire is that complex.. Just as much as not everyone's desire is that simple. Not all bisexuals are bisexually equal. Some are kind of creepy. And others are barely conscious.

[tenni]

"The uber bisexual is just as constraining an image as the myopic fuck-wittery of rigid hetero gender roles."
Daf
Expand on this statement please?

"All humans are capable of being sexually attracted to both genders"
I have read people on this site posting such statements before. From my perspective it seems to be of the same (myth?) as gay people stating that bisexuals are just gay in denial. I agree that absolutes are a bit too much but I do not also think that a bisexual can become gay. I think that a bisexual may live a lifestyle of same sex coupling just as a bisexual may live a cross gender coupling. In either cases, the person is not hetero nor gay. Sexual exploration is not necessarily sexual attraction. It is the same as guys who are cock centric and not attracted to men in other ways. There is a wide range of bisexuality but to become gay imo is to realize that you are gay rather than bisexual. I think that our primary sexual attraction shifts for bisexuals and that is where the idea of fluidity comes in to play.

I don't think that bisexuals are wishy washy about their sexual attraction...I am a bit perplexed by those that advocate such an approach to their sexuality that they think that if they are primarily attracted to same gender that they are gay..next week straight..na.

I know that my primary sex activity is with men. I also know that today while in a line up I was eying a thin woman with tight jeans on pondering the possibility of my hands wandering over her....opps...slut that I am...lol

[dafydd]

[QUOTE=tenni;246469]"The uber bisexual is just as constraining an image as the myopic fuck-wittery of rigid hetero gender roles."
Daf
Expand on this statement please?

I think that some hetero and homo people hold onto inflexible notions of who they can find attractive... based on their gender.

I think that some bisexual people hold onto inflexible notions that bisexuality inherently more diverse than heterosexuality and homosexuality.

i dont beleive it is.
I think its just as unhelpful to be told that you *should* be attracted to everybody equally *regardless* of their gender, as it is unhelpful to be told that you *shouldnt* be attracted to somebody *because* of their gender.

Or that human beings would all be bisexual if only it wasn't for society and prejudice and/or whatever patriarchal, heteronormative hegemony that we as bisexuals are all supposedly 'equally oppressed' by.

The second quote wasn't mine , but it illustrates the main point that i was challenging.
:-) d

[tenni]

“I think that some bisexual people hold onto inflexible notions that bisexuality inherently more diverse than heterosexuality and homosexuality. “


Well, in the sense that people are attracted to a variety of hair colour, breast/cock size, body shape or other physical or cognitive skils etc, yes hetero and gay are divese if that is what you mean.


As far as bisexuals “must be attracted equally” to both genders, I completely agree. Fluidity of sexuality attraction adds proof to that. Very few bisexuals are equally attracted to both genders consistently over their lifetime, I would guess. Some may be like that though. The question about moving from being bisexual to gay supports a misunderstanding that that is possible? If you were attracted to both genders at one time and find yourself now attracted to one gender or the other is no proof that five years from now that your sexuality attraction may move again to be the opposite that it is today.

[elian]

It's an interesting notion that all people start out bisexual, that might explain a cute guy at work who went to grab a piece of lint off my sweater and stopped himself at the last minute repeating in a panicked voice that he wasn't gay out loud to entire lunch room 3 times.

It's a shame that more people just can't love PEOPLE, regardless of the sex - I think some people, guys especially confuse feelings of love with feelings of sexual attraction. Some of them are afraid of BOTH as far as same-sex goes. It's a shame.

I do believe that there are some people who are straight as a board and others who are as bent as a boomerang..that's what makes the world interesting! It would be boring if we were all the same.

The problem I have is when you start taking choice away and dictate that you must ALL be this way. Regardless of the outcome of our discussion, sexual identity, like gender, height, skin color, eye color, hair color - should be a small variation of the whole person.. In our society however those things shade the whole perception of a person's life.

[dafydd]

I'm not attracted to genders though Tenni.
Yup Elian... Totally spot on. You have a much better clearer and concise way of putting it, but that's what I'm on about,
I'm attracted to individual people.
Everyone is.

You're letting the tail wag the dog Tenni...be careful or the dog may end up walking you.. and before you know it, you're being guided by the labels rather than using the labels as guides.
X

[tenni]

Daf
I think that amongst bisexuals your statement about being attracted to the individual and not the gender is an appropriate statement to make where there will not be too much confusion. If we are discussing labels (and we are) a person who is attracted to the person and not the gender is more than likely a pansexual. That would also include transpeople.

I'm not sure about your warning about labels but thanks for the warning

My dog is always wagging her tail...lol when she want something. I've never seen her body moving and the tail motionless. Nope no tail wagging the dog in Canuckland..bucko.
X

[dafydd]

I think maybe my viewpoint is also an exposure thing, in terms of how long i have explored my bisexuality and at what stages in my life.
I have been into pole and hole since 18.. Through college in late nineties, and never questioned and actively celebrated.....
I have a high tolerance to cock, in the sense that I've seen my fair share of them, and don't have the weight of repression behind me that means it defines what being with a man is for me.
being with a man and a woman is not about my need for indulgence in either respective genitalia..
I date both men and women, not because my bisexuality affects my desire... But rather because it doesnt affect my desire.

Basically I can have sex without thinking, but am really attracted to someone's thinking
rather than mindless sex.

[dafydd]

Hmmm. I'm not so sure I agree with what I just wrote....
...will go figure this out

[darkeyes]

Hmmm. I'm not so sure I agree with what I just wrote....
...will go figure this out

Daffy bugger... question is easy 2 answer u kno wivout all the waffle u lot comin' up wiv... yes.. but not every bisexual can or will.. easy peasy.. braniac strikes again!! Off 'ome now... done me gud deed for day!

[jamieknyc]

Any person can change their sexual orientation at any stage in life. I know gays who changed to straight, straights who changed to gay, and every other combination.

A lot of people have a great deal invested in 'born this way' identity politics, but saying it doesn't make it true.

[Iowason]

After my second divorce last summer, I have been leaning more towards guys than girls. I have been with several guys since then but not looking for a girlfriend. I should add though that I am still attracted sexually to both sexes.

[tenni]

Any person can change their sexual orientation at any stage in life. I know gays who changed to straight, straights who changed to gay, and every other combination.

A lot of people have a great deal invested in 'born this way' identity politics, but saying it doesn't make it true.

Well, I see your point. Here is another possible interpretation. The person didn't change their sexual orientation. They finally discovered that they were bisexual. This explanation doesn't explain a person going from gay to straight though. Are you referring to people who "prayed the gay away" philosophy?

[darkeyes]

People don't change'their sexual orientation.. it may change, but that isn't the same thing at all.. people may claim to have changed, but neither is that necessarily.. and as to changing sexuality from gay to straight,, if we accept a person's sexuality can change from str8 to bisexual or to gay, is it not possible for the same forces of nature to go in reverse and change a person from gay to bisexual or str8? We can't have it all our own way,,, no one has ever explained satisfactorily why a person's sexuality changes any more than why people are the sexuality they are.. the question of praying away sexuality is more likely to be a question of repressing what a person is so deeply because of external forces which create doubt and probably shame in their mind about the rightness of what they are.. brain washing is brain washing whatever we call it.. but deeply buried within such a person remains that spark which at some stage is likely to reignite the flame of the true self... they don't pray the gay away.. they just pray it into the deepest recesses of the mind.

[firebird19]

You can become any thing you want ! Then change your mind and become some thing else !
So can you , yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jamieknyc]

Well, I see your point. Here is another possible interpretation. The person didn't change their sexual orientation. They finally discovered that they were bisexual. This explanation doesn't explain a person going from gay to straight though. Are you referring to people who "prayed the gay away" philosophy?

No, there is no evidence that prayer-based therapies are effective. But people's love and sexual interests do change.

I rmemeber in my old community in Brooklyn, how it created a minor shock wave when the community's best-known lesbian met a man, left her long-time partner and married him.

[tenni]

No, there is no evidence that prayer-based therapies are effective. But people's love and sexual interests do change.

I rmemeber in my old community in Brooklyn, how it created a minor shock wave when the community's best-known lesbian met a man, left her long-time partner and married him.

Do you see this as the lesbian becoming straight or do you see this as the lesbian realizing that she was really bisexual with the ability to be attracted to both genders rather than just her own gender?