Rude Questions

[Jobelorocks]

Man, some people are just so rude and don't realize it. I keep getting asked over and over by different people why my husband and I haven't had kids yet, or when are we going to have kids. It is just a really personal question that I really don't want to discuss with most people. We have many reasons. Before we got married it was when are we getting married, or when we were engaged it was if we were getting married due to a secret pregnancy.

I never ask this sort of question. For all you know it could be a very personal or even embarrassing question. A friend of mine, for example, has been trying to get pregnant for 7 years, to no avail. People ask her all the time about why she hasn't had kids yet, not knowing it is a very painful subject. A few times she even has burst out crying when she got asked.

I know that in all stages of life we get asked these rude questions and I have tried different tactics to try to get them to stop. How do you guys handle this situation?

[falcondfw]

Man, some people are just so rude and don't realize it. I keep getting asked over and over by different people why my husband and I haven't had kids yet, or when are we going to have kids. It is just a really personal question that I really don't want to discuss with most people. We have many reasons. Before we got married it was when are we getting married, or when we were engaged it was if we were getting married due to a secret pregnancy.

I never ask this sort of question. For all you know it could be a very personal or even embarrassing question. A friend of mine, for example, has been trying to get pregnant for 7 years, to no avail. People ask her all the time about why she hasn't had kids yet, not knowing it is a very painful subject. A few times she even has burst out crying when she got asked.

I know that in all stages of life we get asked these rude questions and I have tried different tactics to try to get them to stop. How do you guys handle this situation?

Depends on the person who asks the rude, thoughtless question. Usually, I just say "Nunya".

[darkeyes]

Peeps usually aren't being rude.. it shows they are interested more than anything... sometimes it is just cos they havent anything better to talk about.. when I was married to my x hubbie I must have been asked a zillion times that very question... it did become irksome but never treated it as being rude..ne who asked it too often I smiled nicely and told them "If I ever get up the duff I wll let u know until then, shurrup about it" The occasional 1 thought that was rude......

Me x MiL never asked the question.. she just used to tell me "Its about time u had a baby, lady!" Now that was rude since her view was my purpose was to be a breeding machine, as well as general home dogsbody and skivvy 2 her and 'er sons every whim.....I served no other purpose of note since she didn't think that much of me... the feeling was mutual*laffs*...

Me mum asked regularly cos I know she always felt having a babba would settle my hash as a bit of a harum scarum and irresponsible person..and would make me grow up...and of course cos she would dearly luff to b grannie to Fran's babba(s)... she still thinks that even now tho not as much as back then.. 'cept the the grannie bit... she adores and is close to the 2 we have but she would like nowt better than a natural child of mine 2 spoil......

Sometimes we are too touchy. I don't care what people ask me. I will tell them or I won't... if I think something is rude I tell them so and that I don't wish to be asked it again.. it doesn't happen often cos I'm pretty open about me and my life.. but overall on the question of babbas, I don't think the question itself is very often rude.. but it does become very pissed offed making and makeya wanna scream...

[Gearbox]

Ask them how you make babies, because you & hubby don't know. With a serious face! At least you might get a chuckle out of it.
There's no rush these days, that's IF you even want children.

[darkeyes]

Ask them how you make babies, because you & hubby don't know. With a serious face! At least you might get a chuckle out of it.
There's no rush these days, that's IF you even want children.

When I was 16 I spent over an hour taking piss out of a guy trying 2 get 'im how 2 explain 2 me how 2 make babbas.. fancied him summat rotten and it wos a wile 2 get im 2 make a move an show me how its done... don't ask me how successful I wos just kno that I kno how 2 make babbas...

[fredtyg]

I'm glad to see this brought up. It is a very personal issue with me as we weren't able to have kids. The wife did have an ectopic pregnancy and, imo, scars from that might have prevented any more. But what do I know? At 57 years old there's nothing I can do but be bitter about it.

I have been asked this question numerous times over the years and it really burns me up. It's a very sensitive subject and I really don't care to discuss it with the vast majority of people. I don't need to be reminded of it any more than I already am while listening to others talk about their kids or watching TV shows where pregnancy is being discussed.

I had one older lady friend years ago that asked why we didn't have kids. I forget my answer. I think I made some light hearted remark to try and change the subject but she wouldn't let it drop and kept pursuing it- a very awkward and upsetting situation for me.

I would suggest NOT asking questions like that, if you're the type that would. I'm sure many like myself don't care to be reminded of it. If someone you're talking to brings up the issue first, then it might be ok. It would be best not to broach the subject at all.

[darkeyes]

I understand what u say Fred and everyone should be sensitive about the things they discuss with people... some things are very raw with people.. when I was born my twin brother died shortly after birth.. I was seriously ill for some days after. My mother broke her heart at the loss of her baby son and had a breakdown.. she too was bitter for a long time. I was in my late 20s before I ever found out about having been one of 2.. it was kept from me. When I finally discovered this I too was angry and bitter, especially as my forename is the feminised version of the forename also given to my twin and had never been intended for me... but we have our kismet and what will be is how it is.. it is pointless being bitter about things in our lives when we have so much to be joyful for.. life.. love.. happiness... regret sure.. I regret like fuck not knowing a little babba boy who should have been so much a part of my life.. I regret not knowing of him until so late in my life...and my life would have been so different had he lived and maybe even had I known of him.. but I have so many other joys.

When I found out about my brother and what he had been named I exploded into anger and rage.. I hurt badly and was bitter... I felt unloved by my parents and especially by my mother, even betrayed by my dad who I had always adored like no other man..... yet when I was told whole truth bitterness subsided and now I am linked to that little boy not just by being his twin and sharing of a womb for 9 months but also by name and am regretful and sad.. but not bitter.. mum I know is no longer bitter but she lives on as she does for him and in memory of him..and since finding out about him.. so do I...

That little boy died 33 years ago yesterday..and at the anniversary of the minute of his birth I telephoned my mother knowing she too would be thinking of him...and I told her I loved her.

[fredtyg]

My sympathies, darkeyes. I got to thinking about a similar sensitive issue after I made my last comment: adoption. Much like a sibling that died very early, being adopted is very sensitive to many of us.

I don't know that "admitting" I was adopted has been much of an issue to me, but being asked about family relations certainly has and I'm sensitive to that. It probably happens the most during visits with doctors and such when they ask about medical history. I'll admit it's not too bad in the doctor's office as that's the sort of thing we're there for but, when asked, "Do you have any history in your family of heart disease, cancer....?", I feel a bit awkward having to explain I was adopted and don't have any blood relatives.

At least the medical types let it drop. I've had others ask about family relations and I don't really appreciate having to explain that neither my deceased parents, nor my brother and sister, are blood relatives.

At least talk of relatives is more understandable to me than asking about why someone doesn't have kids. People's families and relations is a common topic of conversation for most people. It goes with being alive and relating to people and that's part of life. Asking why someone doesn't have kids goes beyond that to the point of being rude, in my opinion.

[SlimDandy]

Most people haven't really given it much thought when they ask such questions. As long as you smile and sound like a warm-hearted person, they pretty much don't care what your question might be. I've found that when people do ask questions like that, they're mostly just trying to make conversation. I'd put in the same category as, "How are you doing?"...or perhaps even, "So what's happening?" They really don't expect for you to seriously explain anything about the details of your health, nor do they expect for you ro give them the full run down of the current events, either.

[BiJoe696]

Misery loves company perhaps.

[fredtyg]

Most people haven't really given it much thought when they ask such questions. I've found that when people do ask questions like that, they're mostly just trying to make conversation.

True, and I don't expect everyone to change their conversation technique just because of me. Still, when people ask if you have any kids, I'll just suck it up. That's part of dealing with other people. I would strongly suggest, though, if you ask that to someone, and they say they don't have kids, please just leave it at that. Don't ask them why. That's rude.

[FinkDoodle]

I usually tell them it's none of their goddamn business . . but, then again, I'm a dick . .

[Jobelorocks]

Ya, my cousin is especially rude about the matter of kids. Every time I talk to her she always says something like, "You guys have been married 3 years now and I have been waiting patiently, but stilll no babies. What is up with that." Every single time. I have told her so many time there are a lot of reasons we can't have kids right now and I really don't want to talk about it, but still she asks over and over. Some people don't get it.

[Bisexual Explorer]

People ask about children because it seems to them to be a natural thing for a loving couple to do. And it's a bit selfish. The more grandchildren I have the happier I am. Asking is more of an act of caring than of rudeness. Reproductive decisions are solely a private matter between the couple. And while asking is may be an act of caring, couples see it as an invasion of their privacy. My advice is the next time someone asks, "So when are you two going to have children?," is to tell them it's not something you want to talk about. If they persist, tell them that they're stepping out of bounds.
Bisexual Explorer

[Jobelorocks]

If only that worked. Tried that and to no avail. My cousin you can't really ask when she is going to have kids due to the fact that she was recently married, but her husband left her for another woman during the process of them trying to have children and now she is starting to get too old to have kids, so I think she wants to live vicariously through us. Even though it is hard to deal with her keep asking, I don't want to say something that will hurt her. She is a little obsessed with us having kids, but it is a painful subject every time she brings it up. I have tried telling her that it isn't something I want to discuss, but she keeps bringing it up.

[void()]

If only that worked. Tried that and to no avail. My cousin you can't really ask when she is going to have kids due to the fact that she was recently married, but her husband left her for another woman during the process of them trying to have children and now she is starting to get too old to have kids, so I think she wants to live vicariously through us. Even though it is hard to deal with her keep asking, I don't want to say something that will hurt her. She is a little obsessed with us having kids, but it is a painful subject every time she brings it up. I have tried telling her that it isn't something I want to discuss, but she keeps bringing it up.

Can understand this. Have a younger brother with two kids, youngest brother has one. Me and wife got dogs, no kids. Conversation usually wanes off when I tell someone I am biologically unable to sire. They get a really confused look on their face. "I'm sterile, damn it." Then, they usually get the idea and just walk off. I don't worry too much about their feelings. They sure don't worry about mine when throwing stereotypes unto me. May seem harsh but it is what it is.

[Dead Account]

It's not a rude question. It's just a sensitive subject to you, that's all. Don't take it so personal.

[Jobelorocks]

It's not a rude question. It's just a sensitive subject to you, that's all. Don't take it so personal.

It is, you never know what people's situation is. Like my friend who has been trying for 7 years to conceive and to no avail. She has burst into tears in front of groups of people because it is such a sore subject and it is embarrassing. It is a really personal question that is affected greatly by other personal matters (reproductive issues, financial issues, relationship issues, lifestyle issues, religious issues, ect. and you certainly wouldn't ask questions about these issues, so why ask a question that involves many or all of these things?) and really is only the business of those who would be having or not having a kid or kids. It is rude to ask questions that delve into such personal and sensitive issues. It is easy to say it isn't a rude question when you aren't dealing with things like infertility, severe financial issues, being barren, trying to fix the relationship with your SO first, ect. Maybe, maybe it is okay to ask someone you are really close to, but a casual friend or acquaintance it is really rude to ask such personal questions.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol jobel...... I often have people curious about why I have never married and they automatically assume I do not have kids.... generally my answer is I have never married as I can not find anybody insane enuf to put up with me...lol.. and as for kids..... well, I love kids, specially the ones I can give back after a couple of hours lol

in answer to people I mostly say, if you want my life story, just ask cos it covers about 26 years, a few pregnancies, lawyers, child support, dna tests, 10's of thousands of dollars and countless lies, BS, cheating, betrayal....... they get the hint pretty fast....

DD mentions at times that she would have to have a kid with me, and my answer is I would not pass on my chromosonal / genetic traits to a child after having gone thru what I have gone thru in regards to medical tests, examinations and fuck knows how many specialists... and also the way the world is going to hell in a handbasket, I would not want to bring a kid up in this world......

one answer you can use, is that you are not ready to have kids...... and leave it at that..... and if they push for info, just say that you are planning a sex change and hubby is refusing to get pregnant.... it generally shuts them up fast

[binjlooking]

People are incredibly tacky , insensitive & downright stupid at times. I just walk away. Not worth dealing with

[SlimDandy]

It is, you never know what people's situation is. Like my friend who has been trying for 7 years to conceive and to no avail. She has burst into tears in front of groups of people because it is such a sore subject and it is embarrassing. It is a really personal question that is affected greatly by other personal matters (reproductive issues, financial issues, relationship issues, lifestyle issues, religious issues, ect.) and really is only the business of those who would be having or not having a kid or kids. It is rude to ask questions that delve into such personal and sensitive issues. It is easy to say it isn't a rude question when you aren't dealing with things like infertility, severe financial issues, being barren, trying to fix the relationship with your SO first, ect. Maybe, maybe it is okay to ask someone you are really close to, but a casual friend or acquaintance it is really rude to ask such personal questions.

Hey there Jobelorocks!

I think that after the initial response, to probe further would be somewhat rude. However, simply to ask, if a person has kids or not is fairly an innocuous question, in and of itself.

I'd put it on the same level with being at a party and someone asks, "So what do you do?"....

If you're a doctor, lawyer, firefighter, or teacher, you have a good reason to shout out your answer. However, if you're long-term unemployed, have just been fired, or perhaps even disabled, you just might feel uncomfortable answering the question. Then once, you do admit that you are long-term unempolyed or have just been fired, for the person to probe further with questions asking why, how, etc.., would really be going way over the top in rudeness.

[Jobelorocks]

See I see it as the same level as asking, " So you guys using condoms, the pull out method, the pill, or what?" or, "So are you straight, gay, bi or pan?" or "So are you guys swingers or what?" Asking reproductive or sexual questions is generally rude. They are really personal. What I do with my uterus is really no one's business but mine and my husband's.

The problem is that it is a touchy question for many people. Everyone has varied reasons and generally to answer the question you have to go deep into your personal life and that of your partner.

[falcondfw]

See I see it as the same level as asking, " So you guys using condoms, the pull out method, the pill, or what?" or, "So are you straight, gay, bi or pan?" or "So are you guys swingers or what?" Asking reproductive or sexual questions is generally rude. They are really personal. What I do with my uterus is really no one's business but mine and my husband's.

The problem is that it is a touchy question for many people. Everyone has varied reasons and generally to answer the question you have to go deep into your personal life and that of your partner.

That's why I said, just answer "Nunya". It will leave some confused, and that is ok. But to those who know, they will know they overstepped their bounds.

[**Peg**]

best answer to any rude question IMO is to take a deep breath ... count to 3, then look them dead in the eye and ask them why they want to know. Stops them in their tracks... even your sis. If they don't back off, just reply that it is a very personal question that you don't wish to discuss. Dignity dear... dignity.

A friend once replied "because I'm nosy"... I replied "woe is you, huh?" . end of discussion.

[SlimDandy]

See I see it as the same level as asking, " So you guys using condoms, the pull out method, the pill, or what?" or, "So are you straight, gay, bi or pan?" or "So are you guys swingers or what?" Asking reproductive or sexual questions is generally rude. They are really personal. What I do with my uterus is really no one's business but mine and my husband's.

The problem is that it is a touchy question for many people. Everyone has varied reasons and generally to answer the question you have to go deep into your personal life and that of your partner.

Hey Jobelorocks,

In your original post, the questions posed are as follows:

1) Why haven't you and your husband had kids yet?

2) When are you guys going to have kids?

Well both of these questions had to have been preceded by the intial question, "So do you guys have kids?"

This initial question is fine. It breaks no rules of social etiquette. It's a common question asked of married couples. It should be answered with a simple "yes" or "no". You shouldn't go all ape**** on somebody, if they ask it, because the question is just far too common.

However OTOH, to ask question number one, is just plain rude and stupid! It should be either ignored completely or curtly responded to, with severe negative objection, IMO.

Question number two is almost as stupid, and no less inconsiderate. It's also a common question for some reason, but doesn't deserve the same curt response as question number one (unless it's a complete stranger). IMO, everybody should get the same curt response for question number one.


When friends or relatives ask question number two, I would just respond with a firm reminder, "Don't you think that's a personal kind of question?...Geez!" *Said while frowning*

[Jobelorocks]

I have only been asked if we had kids maybe once or twice. That didn't bother me. Usually people ask why we don't have kids, or when we are going to have kids. Mostly I get this from friends and family and people at church. The Church people tend to say things more like, where are your kids? And are baffled that we don't have any and then proceed to the more prying questions. As I have said before, I generally say something along the lines of, "That is a personal issue, I would rather not discuss it." But still the same people ask me those questions all the time. I don't flip out about it, but it really irks me and I think it is down right rude.

[DuckiesDarling]

Sorry, Jobe but the first time I'd prolly be nice, the next time I'd have took them straight in the eye and say "waiting for the immaculate conception to happen again" but then I do tend to love sarcasm...

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol High paws DD. Smile sickenly sweet and go "Ya know, if the Spirits want me to have babies They will let me know. You'll be the 2nd ta know, K sunshine?" Or, "Well, I done figered that if'n me and the Hub wants one er two, we'll go downt to the Wal Mart and get us a couple since we aint got no cabbage leafs here'bouts" OR "Yeah we need ta start working on that right away so you can sharpen up on your babysitting skillz...."
Idjets.
Hang in there Baby. Do as Peg says, and just ask them why They are so all fired in a hurry for you to get preggers..lol
Hugs
Cat

[chicagom]

In my opinion, all questions concerning kids are a HUGE red flag. Those kinds of things should be only between good friends, not people just trying to get to know you. I've heard about other rude questions being asked, usually right away in a conversation. But a question concerning children would get an immediate iggy from me.

[12voltman59]

Having never gotten married as a male---I have gotten "rude questions" why I never got married, that having kids was never a big priority to me and things of that nature--of course---I have been asked outright or its made as a declarative statement by some that "am I gay" or "I must be gay then."

My sis and her hubby are a married couple without kids--now having been married for 12 years with no intention in having kids---people ask them if its because they have a fertility problem or simply "why don't you want to have kids, they are great and make your life whole"--things like that---they also get the response by some that they are "selfish" since they haven't had or don't want to have kids!!!

Amazing the crappy attitudes and ideas that people carry around in their heads and how arrogant that they can presume to pass judgement on those of us who care to have "non-traditional lifestyles" by not doing things like getting married or having kids----thankfully though----the world is changing in that regard with more and more people opting to not marry, marry later in life and not have kids!!