Biguys Married to Straight Women: Love Women, lust for cock

[Northerner]

Thanks for starting this thread Tenni, you described me perfectly. I am in my second marriage, and only recognized my interest in guys in the last couple of years. In fact a lot of the credit for sorting it out goes to this site: Reading many discussions and thinking about them allowed me to sort out my feelings and interests. My wife is straight, but very open minded. She is aware that emotionally I am only attracted to women, but physically I am attracted to both genders. She is not open to any sexual activity outside of our relationship regardless of the gender of the participants. I have days when I wish things were different, but I feel lucky to have found her, and I accept that we can't have everything in life. On re-reading this I notice that I commented that she is not open to sexual activity "outside of our relationship"... maybe I need to broach the idea of a threesome

[p7va60]

ok the way i did it was to get some bi moves MMF.my wife of 38yrs an this all happened 20 yrs ago..i said dear wouldn't you like to have 2 guys she thought i would get jelous ..lol..any way things worked out an she loves dp an well 2 stiffes is better the the fake thing an i get mine an she has hers ... she has hinted that she would let a F play with her but doesn't know if she would recipacate.. ..are main interest is what does the other male have to bring to the plate ...another F or M or another couple MF..we have dumped some of are meeters for being marred ,an not being able to get away... also the biggest reason is they added limted resorces as not adding anyone to the mix..my advice is come out to the wife ..if she leaves ya she didn't love in the first place ..an if she doesn't enjoy 2 M well don't know what to tell ya

[indenver_indenver]

I fit your description. I had bi experiences when I was a teen, then got married to a straight woman. I kept my bi side secret because it was taboo back then. I fantasized about sucking cock all the time and read bi porn. I lived that way for years - very frustrating. I cruised restrooms and almost sucked cock a couple of times but chickened out at the last moment. It really was a sad but hot time since my fantasies became more and more vivid.

Eventually I got divorced for other reasons. I vowed if I ever got married again I would have the woman know first that I was bi. To my amazement, I found four women over three years that thought my bi side and MM sex was very sexy. I married one of them. Right now, I have two guys who are my partners and my wife is ok with it. BTW, at first she participated in my bi sex watching us and even guiding the guy's cock into my mouth. Very erotic! She doesn't do that any more to my disappointment.

So what can I suggest for you? You're in a tough spot. Depending upon her values (religion, etc.) she could find your desires revolting or she could be understanding and agree to your finding satisfaction. One very sly way to feel her out is to find a way to bring a dildo to bed. If you suspect she would be against that, you might do it as a joke or prank. I mean, use it to make a 'banana split' or something nutty like that. If she is very negative about it, you could just appologize and escape from the situation. But, if she doesn't object, you guys could play with it at first.

If she goes along with having it in bed with you, you could ask her if she ever was curious about what it felt like to be a guy and hold the dildo up in front of her pussy. Do this all in a playful way with lots of laughing and teasing. The deal is that you want her to not feel threatened. If she objects, you need to let her know you don't care and toss the dildo across the room laughing about it. But if, she seems interested - you may find a wonderful surprise. When I first told my date I was bi, she asked if I ever sucked a cock. She asked if the guy pushed me to my knees. (That was an awesome question because it let me know dominance interested her) She asked me if he came in my mouth. Then she asked me if I swallowed his cum! I knew then I had a winner.

BTW I thought of another strategy. I'll put it in another reply. This is getting long.

[indenver_indenver]

Here's my second suggestion. Wait until you find a news story about gay sex that tells about some guys picking on a gay or beating up a gay. Then say, you suspect the guys assaulting the gay are only convering up or compensating for their MM sex experiences. She may ask you what you mean. Then tell her that most all guys, when they were growing up had MM sex experiences and some guys feel guilty about it. So just to prove to themselves that they are not gay, they adamantly show everybody they are not gay.

She may then ask you if you ever had MM sex. Then you very casually say, of course I did and so did every other guy in my neighborhood. BINGO! Now you pay close attention to her reaction. If she is repulsed, you can just slough it off as a stupid kid thing. If she starts asking for details, you may have won the lottery.

[bibiboy]

I'm in pretty much a similar boat to many of you. Happily married to a woman ho turns me on constantly (I can't seem to pass up the chance to watch her shower or change clothes), but have always fantasized about sex with a guy. My main fantasies involve her and another guy, with her directing me, teaching me about how to please him.

The thought of seeing her suck on a cock, and then offer it to me gets me off every time. Unfortunately she's made her feelings about male on male sex quite clear. So, it will have to remain a fantasy until she changes her mind.

YES!!!! I want to have my gf warm the other fellow up for a quick bit then offer it to me and then cheer me on as I give him the best blow job of his life!!!

[dick_pumper]

Wow, After reading all these comments I to am not alone in my world. When I got married sex with my wife was great, but it seems as soon as the Wedding was over so was the sex. We are going on 7 years of marriage and it's been about a year since we had sex. I have a normal drive ( I believe) and would like sex 3 times a week, so I spend a lot of time watching porn. I discovered that I liked anal stimulation in high school and mentioned it to her and she had no problem fingering my hole, but I said I could get out my dildo and she flipped out, so I told her I was just kidding (and got rid of the dildo). Since I'm not getting any pussy, and am horny all the time I have thought about how good it would feel to be penetrated by the real thing. Watching gay porn especial anal gets me so hot fantasizing that I am the guy getting fucked. She found a gay video clip on the computer and was really angry and asked if I wanted that because she couldn't take it if I wanted a dick in my ass, so I told her it was an accident that the title "hot blond gives head" made me think it was a woman. I do want to be sexually active with another male as I could explain hanging out with a guy better then saying I am going to a womans house. I am not in love with men, I just want the sexual fullfilment of oral and anal that a man could give me and I return and then still have the marriage.

[NjbiGuy01]

I didn't tell my wife prior to marriage, which I regret. She was upset, but stayed with me. I played in middle school with guys, mostly MFM threesomes where the male was bi since my late teens. I do feel a little burdened that I do sometimes play on the DL. Mostly paid massage with a happy ending or in some cases, I get topped by the guy with a condom. I have not, but would not mind sucking a covered male (if he was a pro). She did have concerns that I was bi and "might act on it", but she's comfortable with my saying I don't actively solicit men, which I really don't do. I have been solicited in a few saunas on vacation by other married guys, and it has been tempting, but I've held off on doing anything in years....It's been so difficult to find men on the internet anyway, so it's not like I have 20 guys knocking on my door. My personal fear of disease really keeps me in check. We do play with toys at home, and we've become more open about my being bi and her acceptance. We were on vacation, a little drunk, and having fun orally sharing a rubber cock as I fucked her, with a vibrating butt plug in us both (!)and she admitted she might play with another guy in our bed "if the situation felt right and we trusted him". We're married almost 30 years, and made the most progress in the last few years as we've opened up more to one another....there is hope.... Do I "lust for cock" no. There are times I do crawl up the wall thinking how nice a cock or three might be to have, but it's under control.... for now.

[bendover2]

I am bi, married and struggle with many of the same issues that have been already posted. I can't tell my wife I am bi as she would not be understanding. I did not know I was bi until right before we got married. I was seduced (I let it happen) by a gay man who I guess just read me right. Up to that point I had never thought about sex of any kind with a man. Literally being just weeks aways from my wedding I said nothing, figuring what had happened was the result of a bit too much booze and a natural curiosity.

Looking back this was a mistake. My wife and I are high school sweethearts. I am the only man she has been with, and she is one of two women I have been with. Our sex life has declined over the years and now both being 37, both working full time, with two young children I am far from satisfied sexually. Well in the past few years I have discovered sites like this one and others. I look at bi porn a lot, and have meet up with a few men over the past 15 years for short, one time encounters.

I am not proud of what I have done, and hate that I must hide who I am, but I don't want a divorce, and do want to stay with my wife and be around my kids all the time. I find that when we actually have sex once (maybe in a good week twice) a week I tend to avoid the internet. But when we get in those periods of weeks at a time of no contact I come online and browse bi sites.

I have nobody to talk to about my feeling and feel guilt to say he least. In 15 years I have met up with six guys, all once. I have played safe with all of them, but the flat out fact is I have cheated. If I had no kids I think I would tell my wife. But for now I just remain quiet letting the guilt, and confused desired eat away at me.

The funny thing is I never, ever check out guys on the street, never flirt with them. I want no emotional connection with them, I just crave cock, and that feeling of passion from being with a man. With men there are only certain activities that interest me, and I always play safe. Honestly the thought of kissing a man repulses me (but I love kissing, and licking his cock...go figure). I very much prefer women, there is literally nothing I would not do with a woman sexually from vanilla sex to kink, I am in to it.

I just wish I could suppress my urges...in short my sexual life is a disaster.

[12voltman59]

It is really kind of sad to read that so many guys have this sort of situation---and I know that this is not a rare thing from the situations described to me by the married guys that I meet with or chat with on this and other sites. I would bet that there really are a huge number of guys who are in this state who don't come to sites like this and the others but they have these feelings, desires, etc but for whatever reason, can't or won't even do as much as come to a website like this and they suffer totally alone.

[chattycathy]

It is really kind of sad to read that so many women have this sort of situation. I know it must not be a rare thing. The woman has spent years thinking that the man she married and loves, perhaps adores, loves her, too. She has a life with him and in many case children with him. Then she finds out that he is attracted to men and is either secretly acting on that attraction or seriously wishing he could act on that attraction all the while he's living with her and giving every indication of being emotionally and physically faithful to her. It's not really realistic to think that one can "come out" to a person whose life is going to change in a heartbeat the second she hears the words by doing something as off the cuff as telling her during a moment of "fantasy sharing". And to expect her to accept a totally different way of seeing him from anything she ever expected with an "oh, well, honey, if that's what you want to do, here's my blessing!" is also not realistic.

[by~his~side]

*pinches self really hard*
OUCH!!
It hurt so I must be real.

Yes indeed, there really are women like me out there. He told me he was bi AFTER we'd been together for several years. And I gave him my blessing.
And free nights when he has a date. And permission to host. And we even shop for lube together.

I'm not saying my response is the norm.
But I am most definitely real.

~D~

[chattycathy]

Bless your heart. I hear you. Would you have run like hell had he told you FIRST? Or do you think you made the right choice?

[chattycathy]

I assume he is on here, too, so if you don't feel comfortable answering that, it's ok.

[by~his~side]

Correct, he is on here too.
The question that you asked is interesting (would I have run or did I make the right choice?) ..but not in the way that you're thinking.

You gave me an out to not answer the question (in case he scans this thread and sees it, right?).
Avoiding honesty and open communication is hardly how my husband and I have handled issues in our relationship thus far.
It seems unlikely that I'd avoid answering your question honestly in an open forum for just that reason.
Giving answers because it's what the other person wants to hear is a recipe for failure.


I'm not saintly. I've dropped $5 or $10 dollars off the price when he asks how much my mani/pedi was. (He doesn't need to know EVERYTHING).
But for the big issues in life...yeah, honesty is the only way.

He is very unique, my husband.
Running from him was never a thought.
I'm a smart woman and I made the right choice.

~D~

[BiDaveDtown]

It is really kind of sad to read that so many guys have this sort of situation---and I know that this is not a rare thing from the situations described to me by the married guys that I meet with or chat with on this and other sites. I would bet that there really are a huge number of guys who are in this state who don't come to sites like this and the others but they have these feelings, desires, etc but for whatever reason, can't or won't even do as much as come to a website like this and they suffer totally alone.

Why is it sad? It's their choice to be closeted or not tell anyone at all, let alone their wives or girlfriends that they're bisexual. I did the opposite and I've been out as bisexual for decades. Both to family and friends, and to whoever I got into a relationship with or dated. I told my wife long before we were married. Also I came out to all of the men and women who I dated and had relationships with before I was married. Then again I have to wonder if you're closeted since you don't even have a picture of yourself in your profile.

[Beefeater]

My wife and I met online in a bisexual chatroom. She is and has always been straight. She knew from the moment that I gave my a/s/l as 53/bi/m/Pa. that I was bi. At that time, she was dating another guy who was into the dom/sub scene and often came into the bi room also so she would come in to chat with him as well as with others.

The relationship with her and her b/f took a turn for the worst and she turned to me for advice. Long story short,she and I became good online friends. Before long, chat turned to PMs. PMs turned to phone calls and eventully we fell in love.

I asked her at the beginning of our relationship is my being bi was a problem for her. Her reply was, "Being bi is just a PART of who and what you are as a whole person."

Naturally, I thought that since she knew and apparently approve of me being bi that it would also be OK if I was to occasionally have sex with a man but this was not to be. When I asked her why she had seemingly changed her mind, She said,"...but I thought that you'd change!"

I love my wife very deeply and I make it a point to say or do something to make her smile every day. Making her happy, makes me happy. My wife of almost nine years and I can talk about anything under the sun and not have it become an angry shouting match. I can see a good looking guy at WalMart or on TV and say, "Wow! Check out the butt on him! I'd do him in a heartbeat" she'll check him out and say something like, "Yeah. He's really packing!" or "No Honey, you deserve something better than him."

Sex with her is great! As a matter of fact, she loves to use a dildo on me whenever I ask her to for as long as I want and she loves for me to go down on her after we make love or she'll finger my ass as I masturbate. Then have me lick it off her breasts. So in this way, I'm able to express my bisexuality in a way that is totally safe for both of us and there's no chance of either one of us getting jealous.

Yes, I still, and probably always will, want to get together with another guy but if it comes between me and the woman that I love more than life itself, I'll forego the momentary pleasure I would get with another guy any day to put another smile on my wife's face and to see the love she has for me in her eyes.

[chattycathy]

BiDave, I was restating the starting line in the 12voltman wrote in the prior post referring to men. And, by your definition, yeah, I guess I'm closeted because I don't put my picture on the internet for everybody on earth to see me. Am I bisexual? No. Am I cautious with posting pictures? Yes. I'm sure I'm not the only one on any forum who is reluctant to post a picture. That's why many (if not most) people either put an avatar or a picture of somebody else. We don't need to see each others' picture to respond to their issues. There are some nuts out there, as I'm sure you know.

My husband told me he is bisexual after many years of marriage. It was not the end for us either. After the shock wore off I realized the same thing that Beefeater's wife did, he is who he is and has always been. I appreciate his honesty. We handle it the same way they do. Am I ever going to be okay if he should "express himself" by having sex with men? Absolutely not. But - I would not be okay if he decided he just had to go have sex with another woman. When we took our vows I meant them. I believe he did also. I give him love, respect, honesty (except for that shaving a dollar or two off the price tag thing), loyalty and fidelity. I expect the same from him. Would I leave him if I found he had cheated? I don't know at this stage. I do know it would change my feelings for him in a very bad way. It would change who WE are. I don't know that I'd want to be the person I'd be if I found he'd broken the trust but I think that not breaking the trust is important to him, too. Understand this - it's not the fact that he wants to have sex with a man, it's the fact that he would crave to have sex with ANYONE else and carried through with it that would hurt. I am not going to live with anybody I feel I have to watch to make sure he is not having sex with someone else, male or female. It does make me feel like I did the right thing by believing him when he'd told me the same thing Beefeater has and has behaved the same way. I suppose there are honest, loyal people and then there are those that sneak. But those that sneak are probably sneaky about most things.

[csrakate]

Bless your heart. I hear you. Would you have run like hell had he told you FIRST? Or do you think you made the right choice?

I know you directed this question to by-his-side but if I may, I would like to answer this query as well. I learned of my husband's sexuality the night he proposed. He wanted to be totally honest with me but he also didn't want to ask me to spend the rest of his life with him if I didn't know EVERYTHING about him. He didn't feel he could hide his bisexuality from me nor did he want to....but he also promised me monogamy and he made good on that promise...until the day that I offered for us to open things up. Our kids were grown and out of the house so I felt it was time we explored that area of our life together. We play TOGETHER, something he insists on....He wants me there and I want be there. I cannot describe to you the level of intimacy this has added to our relationship.....we are closer than ever.

Do I have any regrets? Oh yes...a very big regret. I regret that it took me so long to realize that his bisexuality wasn't a threat to our marriage. His love for me is deep and never ending and my love for him is the very same. Here we are, 32 years later.....more in love than ever before and ready to greet our golden years together as a sexually vital couple! It doesn't always work out this way for couples like us....but with total honesty and very open communication, it can and does work!

PS to by-his-side....I have also shaved off a few dollars here and there....for the very same things such as the mani/pedi. But I think my husband caught on and now he probably automatically adds 5 dollars to every price I tell him LOL!

[chattycathy]

Thanks, guys. Maybe we need a thread for wives?!!!

[BiPhone]

I am not married but have been with my girlfriend for 5 years. I told her I was bi after a month and she was okay with it. Problem was I had not yet been able to do anything about it. After a while she was okay with me exploring (blow jobs and jerking off). A while back I felt I wanted to be fucked by a cock and she wasn't that overjoyed about that. She was afraid of "what that might lead to" but since she is so awesome I respected her not being ready to let me do it. Last week she gave me to the go ahead and I did it. It hurt but was also av really good feeling to have a cock in my ass. Point being I would not have fucked if she wasn't okay with it. But I do respect the guys in here who can't be totally honest with their wives.

Next time he is going to fuck me while watching me fucking her recorded with my iPhone.

[Orion]

Thank you to Tenni for starting the thread and a big thank you to everybody that has responded. Reading this thread is pretty much the reason I became a member here. In a small way it is comforting to know that I am living in the same situation as many of you...bi and she does not know. I have never had any romantic feelings towards men, just sexual desire.

I would love to tell her, but to me it seems the consequences if she did not take it well outweigh the benefits of her accepting it. Maybe someday that will change in my mind, but for now it is something that I do not want to risk.

I wish I would have told her from the start, but at the time I thought my bi sexuality was something I could control. My desire for men seems to surface more when I am not in a regular sexual relationship with a woman. It's still there, but as long as I was getting some regularly, I could take it or leave it. I think I was a bit in denial about it at that time and have come to understand and accept myself better over the years.

Now after being married for several years, our sex life has diminished quite a bit. It comes in spurts (hehe..no pun intended) where we will make love several times for a week or two, then nothing for a long time. It is not unusual to go several months between such encounters and during those times it seems that there is nothing that I can do to get her in the mood.

Masturbation gets me through the down cycles. I fantasize about her or think about some of our previous sexual encounters. If I'm watching straight porn, it's usually something that features women who look very similar to her. I really don't have any desire to be with any other woman than her.

As time passes though, my bi urges become stronger and I find myself masturbating more often to gay porn and thinking about some of my past m2m encounters.

It's a tough situation. On the one hand masturbation is only getting me so far and I need the sexual release. There is no danger of me falling love with another man, it is just pure sex to me. On the other hand though I do not want to cheat on my wife.

That's my conundrum and my confession. Like I said earlier, there is some comfort in knowing you're not alone.

[ErosUrge]

I am bi, married and struggle with many of the same issues that have been already posted. I can't tell my wife I am bi as she would not be understanding. I did not know I was bi until right before we got married. I was seduced (I let it happen) by a gay man who I guess just read me right. Up to that point I had never thought about sex of any kind with a man. Literally being just weeks aways from my wedding I said nothing, figuring what had happened was the result of a bit too much booze and a natural curiosity.

Looking back this was a mistake. My wife and I are high school sweethearts. I am the only man she has been with, and she is one of two women I have been with. Our sex life has declined over the years and now both being 37, both working full time, with two young children I am far from satisfied sexually. Well in the past few years I have discovered sites like this one and others. I look at bi porn a lot, and have meet up with a few men over the past 15 years for short, one time encounters.

I am not proud of what I have done, and hate that I must hide who I am, but I don't want a divorce, and do want to stay with my wife and be around my kids all the time. I find that when we actually have sex once (maybe in a good week twice) a week I tend to avoid the internet. But when we get in those periods of weeks at a time of no contact I come online and browse bi sites.

I have nobody to talk to about my feeling and feel guilt to say he least. In 15 years I have met up with six guys, all once. I have played safe with all of them, but the flat out fact is I have cheated. If I had no kids I think I would tell my wife. But for now I just remain quiet letting the guilt, and confused desired eat away at me.

The funny thing is I never, ever check out guys on the street, never flirt with them. I want no emotional connection with them, I just crave cock, and that feeling of passion from being with a man. With men there are only certain activities that interest me, and I always play safe. Honestly the thought of kissing a man repulses me (but I love kissing, and licking his cock...go figure). I very much prefer women, there is literally nothing I would not do with a woman sexually from vanilla sex to kink, I am in to it.

I just wish I could suppress my urges...in short my sexual life is a disaster.

Every part of what Tenni requested we have as our make up is exactly me. I have decribed and posted before about these very things so I'm repeating myself. But it's all contained in this one area.

My first wife had no issue with my bisexuality and allowed me to continue the very gratifying sex I had with other guys at the time. She never felt threatened because she always knew I wasn't emotional with men.

My second marriage was a different story and things had become complicated because I had decided that I needed to let go of being sexual with guys and i figured that the marriage would permanently seal my desire only for women and not for men. I mean, after all I had a very lovely wife and the sex was very good. But try as I might, the hunger was even stronger to have sex with guys and eventually I gave in to those desires feeling guilt after each and every time and telling myself when it was done that this would be the last time. The more I did that, the more it happened. She never knew or found out and there is no doubt she'd have left had she known. Our marriage suffered because of this and by this, I mean the dishonesty and deception. And not only to her but primarily to myself. Sure I was keeping it from her, but I was also deceiving myself into by thinking that I could live my life without ever having sex with men again. To those of you who can, well, kudos to you. Spare me your judgements if you have any as I respect you for extinguishing or keeping that desire at bay...but we're not all the same that way, thank you.
So to conclude after that period, I came to terms a few years later with the fact that I enjoyed sex VERY MUCH with men and only for that reason; no emotional attachments or interests that way whatsoever. Yes friendships, but nothing more. And like BENDOVER2 I never check guys out either; it simply doesn't happen nor interests me...it's when I get into that hunger zone for sex with men, but more exactly, it's for the cock....On the other hand, I am always noticing women wherever I am in public; ALWAYS. With women as always, it's all of it; emotional, sexual, spiritual,....everything. Over the last 12 years I have lived my life openly and have always let the women I have had relationships with during this time know that I'm bi....they've accepted this though there was one who didn't want to go on because of it. I have since lived much happier and not worried about making the connection with a woman who will understand. I know it will happen eventually and that's why BY~HIS~SIDE and CSRAKATE inspire me with their positive attitude and understanding of men who are this way. I know of several couples who have this understanding with each other and have been together for many years...they too inspire me. With some of them I have shared moments sexually and we all enjoyed ourselves very much. It's obvious that they are tuned on to each other and care for each other very much. And one of the wives of these couple allows her man and I to enjoy each other from time to time without ever feeling threatened knowing full well that it's just sex with us.

And for BENDOVER2: hang in there...I know how difficult it is as I've been there. I hated who I was and the guilt was overbearing most of the time when it was all happening during my second marriage. Perhaps when your children are adults, you'll be able to discuss this with your wife.

Thanks Tenni for putting this together to represent those of us males who are this way....another angle to bisexuality.

[cbj4162]

i am a bi married guy, i love my wife but, i also lust for cock..... Big Time! .... i understand completely how you feel.

[silvert75]

I have been married almost 18 years but I did luck out in that I told my wife (girl friend) at the time that I am Bi. She is just now opening up to the idea of adding another guy, but we would have to share him. Like many of you I love my wife and am only emotionally attracted to women but physically crave me.

[chattycathy]

I've been married to a man for many years who recently told me he's bisexual. I've tried to be understanding and supportive. I love him, I have always loved him. In fact, I think that side of him is rather intriguing and a turn on. He swears he is faithful. He swears he just thinks about it but hasn't acted on it. I joined this forum to try and understand him better by trying to understand people with whom I am not so closely associated. I think I've learned a great deal and I am sympathetic to your feelings. I think it has made me more sympathetic to his feelings. Unfortunately, it has just shattered my faith in what he's sworn to me. The main thing I've learned from reading the postings is that while you men may truly love your wives you are all secretly yearning for sex with men. I'm sure he is also. Which pretty much means that there's nothing I can ever do to be what he really needs. I've also pretty much made my decision now. I am one more erased computer history, history clearing app that hides his search history, one more email to a hiking buddy with benefits away from packing it up. Thank you all for being so honest. I hope you all live happy lives and that things turn out the way you want them to be.

[chattycathy]

And addendum to the above: Do you think he ever really loved me? Did he marry me to prove to others he was straight or to himself?

[indenver_indenver]

I'm in the same boat. She loves having me lick her pussy with a big dildo in her. I tell her it would be so sexy to have a real cock in her while I lick her pussy and he cums in her. Having her pussy licked while a cock is in a woman is a pleasure one man alone cannot bring a woman. I feel certain the physical pleasure would be incredible.

[gen11]

Happy, so far your situation is most like mine. I married my (third) wife for cerebral reasons, not for sex, which I knew was going to be the most vanilla I'd experienced for decades. Just before the marriage there was a tragedy and the marriage took place in a developing PTSD (me). Between the two a permanent damper fell on what had been a rich heterosexual sex life. I'd played with mm sex for a couple of years 20 years before I married but the urge had gone away on its own -- until one moring after a decade of marriage when I woke up wanting a man so badly I couldn't think of anything else. I've been active the last 6 years, deeply in the closet, because even a suspicion of my bisexuality would destroy her emotionally and ruin our marriage. I don't know if it would end it or not.

A few years ago I came back into contact with a former girlfriend under circumstances that led to the opening of an affair. I introduced her to anal sex. She loved it, and began saying she wished she had my "equipment" so she could give me the anal pleasure I was giving her. Well! Who could ask for a better door? I came out to her and she and I have had a few limited (oral only) mmw sessions. Her health is fragile and has caused a suspension of all sex between us and I'm not sure it will resume again.

As far as active bisexuality is concerned: I had what are probably the standard, socially-conditioned conflict, shame, remorse, etc., but a purely physical desire to have sex with men drove me on. There was also, for me, the aspect that I have no emotional attachment to men whatsoever and found a safe physical outlet, whereas sex with another woman I knew would be fraught with all sorts of emotional risks and risks of betrayal -- until I remet the ex-girlfriend, who has as strong a desire to protect my wife from emotional harm as I do. She's a once-in-a-lifetime, one in ten-million, woman.

The emotional ramifications of sex with her are beyond the scope of this (happily) very limited thread.

My bottom line: I am driven to have physical sex with men. I don't think it's possible for me to develop romantic feelings toward a man. I love my wife dearly, except for sex have a beautiful marriage, and am determined above all to protect her from discovering my extra-curriculars, with men or the girlfriend. I've had two divorces. NOTHING is worth another, but even that is secondary to my determination never to hurt my wife with this. There is some conflict and guilt still there, of course, but what aspect of life doesn't have a downside?

[gen11]

My dear, I think you are about to make a horrendously important decision on the basis of misunderstandings and misimpressions.

Please consider this definition of love, given by Scott Peck in his little book "The Road Less Traveled," which has been translated into more languages than the Bible and has inspired support groups worldwide: "Love is the will [Peck adds that "will" is "desire in action"] to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual wellbeing." He distinguishes between "religion" and "spirituality." Spirituality, to him has little or nothing to do with the proscripts of organized religion, pro or con.

Now please understand that the brains of heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual people are wired in three different ways -- it is in the physical nature of each to be as they are, attracted either to the opposite sex, the same sex, or both sexes, by humankind's second-most primitive, basic drive -- procreation (in higher animals, sexual gratification), second only to self-preservation.

The fact your husband is bisexual has NO implications about how much he loves you. Look to ALL OTHER aspects of his relationship to you for that.

Also: Do not be humiliated or offended that you can't be everything he needs in every aspect of his life. No person can be that for any other person. Ever. The expectation of one spouse that the other must be that is the primary cause of divorces, and of failed relationships, and of emotional misery. If he formed an emotional, romantic attachment to another woman that compromised his ability to love you . . . that's a very different kettle of fish.

You have a sovereign right to decide to stay or go. Nobody else, on line or in person, has the right to try to make that decision for you -- not even your husband. But please make it on the basis of reality, not anything else -- not emotional insecurity, for instance; not social conditioning; not religiosity imposed by a human organization.

And by the way -- if you give him permission, he won't have to hide his internet activities and you won't be offended by his hiding them.

Good luck, m'dear. Good luck.

[Huntingbuddy]

If I give him permission to do be unfaithful he will be able to be open about it? Where's the upside? I do not want a man who cannot be faithful.