How to do monogamous marriage while embracing your bisexual identity?

[brwnbaby]

In response to Snafu's original question, here goes:

I am a bisexual woman in a serious monogamous relationship/near marriage with another straight man. We have only survived for so long 2yrs. becuase he is so understanding. He allows me to do my thing without getting into serious relationships with other women. Although I had every intention of being straight in this relationship, his understanding is beyond me and has enhanced our relay.
Your husband needs to open up a bit. If he doesn't embrace this part of you, he doesnt truly love the core of who you are. [object Object]

[To_by]

Marriage is not based on what you leave behind, because you leave every other thing behind, bisexual or not. Marriage is the utmost devotion to the union of yourself and that one other person, of whatever sex. You can't amend a marriage to include a bisexual clause. The decision and commitment is to be with one other person


If the reason you got married was to provide a traditional context for your sexual activity, then marriage is a circumstance only, and subject to revision at will. On the other hand, if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way.

Or do what you want, since my opinions don't rule the world (yet).

I'm not sure I understand. Why can't a marriage include a bisexual clause? I don't think that: "if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way." There are more ways to lay the emotional groundwork of a relationship than this.

Loving seems more organic than a bunch of rules. Perhaps for many this is the way it is, but I see no reason to think that this kind of convention works for everyone. Life is difficult enough sometimes without a couple having to devise a clever cage to trap their gentle love. If one or both of them be lovers of both genders, what then? Is the answer really simply to suffer the convention or suffer the consequences? I think there's a more practical & in-touch way a couple can explore their wants and needs together and apart. It all depends on the couple.

[BlissNoire]

I tried marriage, in the traditional sense. I was way too young, and way to unaware of who I really was for it to work out. I still had not admitted to myself that I was bi, and sometimes I don't even think bi is a good term for me, since I really perfer women, I just happen to be married to a man.

My first husband was extremely homophobic and the very mention of being gay, be it man or woman, was not to be tolerated. Needless to say, that marriage did not last.

Some years later, many in fact, I met a man who I did not really think I was going to become involved with. We talked, we shared, we cried. All the things you do with really good friends. Well...here we are almost 13 years later and we will be celebrating our 10th anniversary later this year.

The point of this being that when we first met I told him I was bi. I told him I liked girls and that I was looking to meet a nice woman. HE even helped me look. Eventually we realized we were in love, and we got married. And since that time my sexuality has never, NEVER, been an issue.

I think that if you really love someone, and they really love you, they understand things like this. I think a person with an open mind and an open heart can see you through just about anything. Sexuality should not even be an issue. We always talked about perhaps bringing another person into our relationship, but for many years that simply did not happen.

Recently, about a year ago, we met a lovely woman. She's been with us now for just over a year. We don't live together, but we spend a lot of time together, and we love each other. All of us. Yes, we each have a different sort of love one for the other, but it is love and we are making it work.

Maybe I am an idealist, but I truly believe that real love can conquer all. The key is absolutely honesty, from day one, from all involved.

Just my two cents.

[DiamondDog]

I'm not sure I understand. Why can't a marriage include a bisexual clause? I don't think that: "if you truly love someone, then every other person on the planet stays out of your bed, and you want it that way." There are more ways to lay the emotional groundwork of a relationship than this.

Loving seems more organic than a bunch of rules. Perhaps for many this is the way it is, but I see no reason to think that this kind of convention works for everyone. Life is difficult enough sometimes without a couple having to devise a clever cage to trap their gentle love. If one or both of them be lovers of both genders, what then? Is the answer really simply to suffer the convention or suffer the consequences? I think there's a more practical & in-touch way a couple can explore their wants and needs together and apart. It all depends on the couple.

Agreed.
THat's how I view relationships.
I know that I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman and be "forced" or "expected", to "give up" men.

I can honestly say that I'm not cut out for a "traditional" monogamous heterosexual appearing marriage, or a marriage in general since I see it as being too bureaucratic and an institution that people do because they think that they have to. I think it's fine if others are into this for themselves; but I know that it's not something for me. Now I have nothing wrong with weddings or an exchange of vows or whatnot. I'd do something like this.

[coyotedude]

You're in a tough spot, Snafu. I feel for you!

I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that it is possible to be bisexual, married to a straight partner, and happy. The bad news is that this particular model doesn't fit all people and all situations, as you've seen just from this one thread.

But let's use a different word than "marriage" - there's too much damn baggage associated with this one word. Let's use the word "partnership" instead, because the word implies that both partners (or all partners if talking about a poly relationship) have to work together to make the relationship work. And committed relationships - partnerships - are damn hard work to maintain over time.

Let's also clarify that loving partnerships are not just about sex. Sex is an integral part of who we are, of course. But only a part. Life is not just about sex, no matter how much we may pretend otherwise at times!

In a successful partnership, partners do not give up their individual identities. But they do build something together - a shared vision, a joint identity - that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

It's from this that partners can support and comfort each other in the hard times. But partnerships are not just about the hard times. It's just as important for partners to rejoice in each other and share the good times as well.

So.... you have a legal marriage with your husband. But do you have a partnership? Do you have a shared vision? Do you have a partner who will support YOU in good times and bad? Someone who appreciates you - ALL of you - and what you bring to the partnership?

And do you feel the same way about him? Do you feel the same way about your partnership with him?

To me, those are the questions you have to address. To do so, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself and with your husband. And you have to be prepared for the answers, no matter how hard they may be.

As I said, I feel for you!

I will say, however, that even if you and your husband end up breaking up your marriage, it doesn't mean you can't have a loving partnership with a loving person. It may very well be that you just haven't found the right person -male or female - yet.

And if you ultimately decide you have found the right person, then more power to you!

Peace

[NorthBiEast]

Let's also clarify that loving partnerships are not just about sex. Sex is an integral part of who we are, of course. But only a part. Life is not just about sex, no matter how much we may pretend otherwise at times!

In a successful partnership, partners do not give up their individual identities. But they do build something together - a shared vision, a joint identity - that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

It's from this that partners can support and comfort each other in the hard times. But partnerships are not just about the hard times. It's just as important for partners to rejoice in each other and share the good times as well.

So.... you have a legal marriage with your husband. But do you have a partnership? Do you have a shared vision? Do you have a partner who will support YOU in good times and bad? Someone who appreciates you - ALL of you - and what you bring to the partnership?

And do you feel the same way about him? Do you feel the same way about your partnership with him?

To me, those are the questions you have to address. To do so, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself and with your husband. And you have to be prepared for the answers, no matter how hard they may be.

Peace

Beautifully put!

[Isaac Steel]

I find myself in the same situation from the male side. I do not want want to lose my wife and kids, yet I know I am bisexual and I often crave sexual contact with a man. I have sworn to be faithful, and my wife also does not like me to discuss my bisexulaity. The only way I stay sane is talking to people who know I'm Bi, I am in a support group and have therapist, contributing to online discussions like this, and writing Bi short stories. It's a daily struggle. I hope it works out for both of us

[Snafu]

You're in a tough spot, Snafu. I feel for you!

I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that it is possible to be bisexual, married to a straight partner, and happy. The bad news is that this particular model doesn't fit all people and all situations, as you've seen just from this one thread.

But let's use a different word than "marriage" - there's too much damn baggage associated with this one word. Let's use the word "partnership" instead, because the word implies that both partners (or all partners if talking about a poly relationship) have to work together to make the relationship work. And committed relationships - partnerships - are damn hard work to maintain over time.

Let's also clarify that loving partnerships are not just about sex. Sex is an integral part of who we are, of course. But only a part. Life is not just about sex, no matter how much we may pretend otherwise at times!

In a successful partnership, partners do not give up their individual identities. But they do build something together - a shared vision, a joint identity - that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

It's from this that partners can support and comfort each other in the hard times. But partnerships are not just about the hard times. It's just as important for partners to rejoice in each other and share the good times as well.

So.... you have a legal marriage with your husband. But do you have a partnership? Do you have a shared vision? Do you have a partner who will support YOU in good times and bad? Someone who appreciates you - ALL of you - and what you bring to the partnership?

And do you feel the same way about him? Do you feel the same way about your partnership with him?

To me, those are the questions you have to address. To do so, you have to be totally and completely honest with yourself and with your husband. And you have to be prepared for the answers, no matter how hard they may be.

As I said, I feel for you!

I will say, however, that even if you and your husband end up breaking up your marriage, it doesn't mean you can't have a loving partnership with a loving person. It may very well be that you just haven't found the right person -male or female - yet.

And if you ultimately decide you have found the right person, then more power to you!

Peace

This is a great post. Thank you. I had a thought recently about how multi-faceted attractions, relationships, and connections between people are. Like you might meet one person and you have great sex, but can't even have a good conversation, or have fundamental differences in core beliefs.

I am also seeing more and more ever since I went to the International Bisexual Conference in Toronto how I seem to slide up and down the bisexual continuem based on where I put my head and what I do. However my love for my husband has been constant. Even when we have had really bad times, almost had a divorce, and even when I hated him at the same time as loving him. So perhaps I need to find an identity (and expression of it) that fits with my lifestyle instead of looking for a lifestyle that fits with my identity. Being that the sexual orienation is more of a variable that seems somewhat changeable over time. Not sure if I explained that well.

I have to run right now, but I want to come back and write a little more about this very soon. Thanks for the great thoughts.

[wifeofbi]

What you have written has some resonances with my experience too. I am a Bi man and my married relationship had already finished years before I started to meet and fall in love with the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is a beautiful Bi woman. Apart from finding her totally attractive I have found her to be so open, generous, exciting, passionate, intelligent, thoughtful, caring...the list is endless.

You see we have to hide nothing from each other, quite the opposite - we can just BE who we are. It's a huge thing to simply BE. Never knew that before. And never want to lose that.

It's such a freedom and a joy when you don't deny/withhold anything about yourself, or from your lover. In fact you can explore it together and grow!

Because we can express ourselves freely in every area of our lives together I believe I have grown in understanding and compassion too.

We are monogamous. Totally in love. We often fancy the same people, naturally. It's fun. We are not up for poly relationships.

I recommend meeting people who will understand you. If you meet someone very special and fall in love ... well .... you deserve it.

Hi I had to ask you a question after your response, I am the wife of a bi man, and I have been tring to be open for years, I have agreed to explore videos, books ect. For him he has not been able to open up. He loves me and I know he wants us to work, but he feels like he needs another bi man to talk to, to help him understand himself. How do I get him to open up to me? I am afraid that we will lose our marriage if he does not let me in. I tell him all the time that I am not upset that he is bi, I would only be upset if he cheated....to me that is all that matter...I need him to be faithful...he wants me to allow another bi man in our bed...not sure if I can do that. HELP me save my family...I love him and want to help him also. I want to understand him.

[_Joe_]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

My answer... is I'm not sure how I pulled it off.

There is being true to myself, and then there's going out and getting my desires fulfilled...they can exist separately although they work beautifully together.

For me, it was to accept life as it is for any relationship - which is nothing but a constant exercise of compromises. That's one thing I see lacking in any relationship that fails - lack of compromises. One person stands firm on one issue, the other stands firm on theirs..no budging from both and you pretty much get beaten apart. I look at my wife, whom I love very much, and understand in her I have someone I trust 100%, someone I can talk to with just about anything, whom I have stability in life with, whom I created two great kids we are raising together. So in a way, I have given up 'seeding my oats' to men and women to stay in this very stable life.

Some would say its a tough tradeoff... and to those I've talked to that get to go experiment and play around, they do wish they had some stability in knowing when they came home, there was always someone there for them.... so to me, it's a workable compromise...

And its not simple to live with, I admit it. I like to think of it as someone who quit smoking...it's a constant struggle.

[_Joe_]

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me.

Actually... Penguins pick a mate for life and remain monogamous I heard, so had to google around.

Quite a few animals are on the whole Monogamous...there is some 'cheating' however.

[paddington]

Hi, i'm struggling a bit with this. i'm just out of a relationship with a woman,i'm married.my husband has been amazing&is trying very hard to be kind and supportive. we're using porn to try and deal with my feelings towards women.he's suggested swinging but neither of us are very sure if we want to get into that,we've never had casual sex,my husband would only be prepared to try swinging as a threesome. he's not happy for me to be with women without him, i think he's frightened i'll turn round and say i'm a lesbian.i don't think i am,i enjoy sex with him very much but i am finding i'm using more & more fantasy in my own head about women when i'm with him though.i do find him sexually attractive,i love his body.
untill this i'd been faithful all through our marriage,i never expected i'd stray,certainly not with a woman.i want to be faithful but i don't know if i can or want to go the rest of my life without sleeping with a woman again, i miss the softness.we watched The L Word on tv,seeing the couples together made me draw my breath and close my eyes....it hit me how much i miss making love with her,it made me a little sad.But, i'm positive the relationship with her was bad for me because of her personality.
i hope things do last with my husband.someone said to me,"it's not who can you live with....more who can you not bare to live without?" i can't bare the thought i'd not see my husband ever again,i love him dearly.
it's earlie days for us yet,we're taking it slowly and being very open with each other.
any tips? i'm all ears

[darkeyes]

Have always failed 2 undastand wot the prob is on this issue.. in theory at least sexuality shudn matta a jot bout wetha ya hav a monogamy.. wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction..but ifya liv wiv sum 1.. luff em.. an feel ya wanna b true an not stray.. then ya sexuality has nowt 2 do wiv it.. its jus parta the equation wivin the relationship.. its important thatya deal wiv all equations wivin ne relationship.. its not always easy.. but ya can embrace ya sexuality woteva it is an still remain monogamous.. how we deal wiv these things differs from 1 person 2 the next...but all shud involve honesty wivya partner an honesty wiv yasel wetha yas monogamous or not...

[alegrias]

Wow. . . I'm starting to realize just how lucky I am. I just told my hubby that I'm bi after 24 years of hetero monogamous sex. He is totally cool with it. The thought of me being with another woman actually turns him on. He just wants to be there to watch and may want a turn with her too.

If anything, our sex life has improved because now we are more honest and open with each other.

[csrakate]

Have always failed 2 undastand wot the prob is on this issue.. in theory at least sexuality shudn matta a jot bout wetha ya hav a monogamy.. wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction..but ifya liv wiv sum 1.. luff em.. an feel ya wanna b true an not stray.. then ya sexuality has nowt 2 do wiv it.. its jus parta the equation wivin the relationship.. its important thatya deal wiv all equations wivin ne relationship.. its not always easy.. but ya can embrace ya sexuality woteva it is an still remain monogamous.. how we deal wiv these things differs from 1 person 2 the next...but all shud involve honesty wivya partner an honesty wiv yasel wetha yas monogamous or not...

You are so correct, Fran. Monogamy isn't about sexuality...it's about commitment and if a person decides that they wish to commit to one person, sexual desires for another person, regardless of gender are usually swept aside. That certainly doesn't mean that you are no longer bisexual, but it simply means that your love and commitment towards your chosen spouse is strong enough to sustain you. I realize that it isn't easy for the bisexual spouse and my husband and I have gone through a great deal over the last 28 years to get where we are today. I am well aware that he has made sacrifices along the way but the decision to do so was his and he did so out of love for me. It is very much the same way we sometimes put careers, ambitions and sometimes dreams on hold in order to accommodate the needs of others. Being a part of a monogamous marriage is learning to sometimes put others before yourself and seeking other ways to fulfill those desires. Marriage is about give and take as well as mutual respect. As Fran said, this can only be accomplished through total honesty and open communication. I realize that I will never fill the void (no pun intended) that a same sex partner might provide my husband but we have found that it is very possible to work together as a couple to somehow embrace those desires and use them in fantasy and role play (and a toy or two, LOL) during sex.

How a marriage is approached by couples when one of them is bisexual isn't a matter of right and wrong. It's how it works for the particular couple and they are the only ones who can decide how to deal with it. While monogamy has worked for myself and my husband, this isn't always possible for others. It is up to them to decide how they wish to deal with it and if a couple is mutually agreeable about having an open relationship, then that is a decision they made as a couple. It has worked quite well for many people and once again, it's not a matter of right or wrong.

Just my

Kate

[Sarasvati]

wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction...

Darling DE, is this not just the kind of misconception about bisexuals that many on this site repeatedly complain about?

Anyway I do not understand why people make sexual fidelity a requirement of a marriage/long term relationship. For me a marriage has as its basic function the provision of a secure environment for the nurturing of children. Otherwise it's merits are questionable.

I find it tragic that so many marriages are ripped apart by sexual infidelity leading to all the ensuing financial and social consequences.

Particularly over the course of a long relationship it is quite natural that one or other of the partners may want to stray. And it may well be healthier for the relationship if that does sometimes happen thus revitalising the 2 people individually and collectively.

I don't think the absence of sexual fidelity from a relationship necessarily undermines any romantic values in that relationship. It seems quite natural to me that our sexual desires, if they are at all healthy, are going to wander and lead us on many a merry dance.

Humanity isn't reading Thomas a Kempis and trying to imitate perfection but freeing oneself from such fetters and allowing expression to those fragilities in nature that make you human.

You can leave a sexual encounter utterly enlivened or utterly drained. Such experiences are not equal.

People sometimes seem crushed by the insensitivity of a partner over their sexual proclivities, unable to move, stifled and discontented, living for another's wants.

To the Americans here, I wonder if your society puts alot of pressure on people to conform to a monogamous/marital model. That's what I feel reading many of the posts from our American contributors. As if you are each looking over your shoulders at the next couple and checking they are not stepping out of line with your morality.

I find something unappealing in the idea of sharing porn with a partner, if your sexual desire is not also naturally theirs. I don't like porn at all anyway. It doesn't celebrate the human form but alloys it with exploitation.

Personally my bisexual/sexual aspect is completely hidden in my life and I only like it in terms of disappearing behind a curtain into the dark recesses of my character. I am sure many others are lured by the mysticality of forbidden desire.

Sexual behaviour can be so easily mechanised and sterilised in its potency. We should allow its mesmerising force to draw us into its tentacles, leaving our cleavers at home in the fish tank with the pet Octopus.

[petunija77]

In my case the whole bisexuality actually helped our marriage. My husband for the first time opened up and put everything up on the table. It wasn't easy first few months, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything else. We have known each other for 10 years, married for 8 and our marriage has never been better. I accepted him 100%, and we have fun being who we are. I have joined few on line support groups. I have also realized there are a lot of people like us, and they are making it work, and they are having fun in the process. People have pretty much said already what I wanted to say, but basically honesty is the key. Trust and communication. Share your fantasies with him, let him share his with you. Watch porn together, talk about what you would do in certain situations. One of the things that helped me out a lot was to listen to a podcast "Sex is fun". I have learned a lot from there, and incorporated in our lives. We listen to it together sometime, and have good discussions afterwards. Your husband needs to understand who you are, and if he loves you as much as you love him, you can make it work. Good luck.

[darkeyes]

Darling DE, is this not just the kind of misconception about bisexuals that many on this site repeatedly complain about?

It is hardly a miscoception wen its the reality... bisexuals do hav a larger field from wich 2 find attraction... wy me sez arguably it mite be more difficult is cos it is arguable that sum 1 who is committed 2 a monogamous relationship may slip an stray from ther commitment cos ther is so much more of a field 2 slip up wiv... howeva... the principle is the same as for gay an het peeps who r so committed... we r human an for many they neva stray an r quite happy wiv ther lil lives... but sumtimes that happiness, contentment an commitment gets rudely interrupted by summat they neva bargained for or expected... a chance meetin wiv sumthin they didn expect an animal instincts an sexual attraction take ova...sum fite it off an keep ther commitment ..sum r unable 2 an everythin goes awry... by the very nature a bein bisexual, an by the sheer fact that we dubble the potential attractions ..it can b argued wiv sum justification that bisexuals who r monogamous, hav more opportunity 2 encounter problems wich throw inta doubt ther commitment 2 ther partner than gay or het people... thats not a misconception..thats a reality...

...am not arguin for or gainst monogamy or ne thin else S... me an me partner hav very diff views on the issue but we both agree on wot me is sayin 2 ya vis a vis the position bisexuals find themselvs in regardin monogamy...

[paddington]

Hi, untill i had this relationship i'd been faithful for over 20 years of marriage and i believed i was totally straight. i never thought i'd EVER stray.i understand being faithful is not an issue relating to the gender of the person any of us are with.part of the reason for ending the relationship i was having with her was to do with the way she was,part of it was because of how i feel about my huband,i love him and my behaviour was causing him such pain.
we are being very honest with each other,sometimes that's very hard but i believe it's that honesty that's helped us stay together and form a much closer bond,a deeper love. it depends on what people want from a marriage,being here reading the posts has opened my eyes,people manage things in allsorts of ways,some of them have shocked me,but what comes through to me is the honesty,the love and respect that is utmost in those relationships as people try to make the relationship work and find a way forward that suits them,i've learnt not be so judgemental,i was guilty of this before i ended my affair.
i am very lucky,my wonderful husband loves me enough to give me a second chance,he's open to looking at other,new things he'd not considered before for our relationship.we may or may not try other things but we'll make those choices together.

[billbrown]

After 17 years of marriage, my wife has "come out" as bi. She has a lover...very experienced...billionaire...attractive and sexually skilled beyond belief lesbian. I'm a little intimidated but love my wife and am willing to go forward with this (like I have a choice)...they have been at it hot and heavy for about 3 weeks...a little stressed out...any info for the readers I can use ?

[_Joe_]

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

Sometimes...its a daily battle.

Some short sayings that hopefully will help you "You never know what you got till you lose it" and "The grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence"

I love my wife, and still love jumping her bones. I love the mental connections we have, and the memories we've built over many years and those to come. I don't think I could do without those if I decided to go chase my lustful passions, and last thing I need is to be looking back in realizing the grass was't greener, or really fully understand what I actually had.

[lizard-lix]

Like Joe said, sometimes it is a daily battle... (I'll change that to struggle)

This has been the only monogamous relationship I've ever been in..

For the folks who asked "what about some bi accommodation?" WTF? If you are monogamous, being bi is nothing special, straights can't have sex with others either. I don't see that you only get to have sex with one "kind" of person as anything special, you agreed to only have sex with one PERSON. OTOH, I want more too...

I love my wife and we have been partners in the truest sense for over 30 years. I DO NOT want that to change!

But truthfully I want to have sex with others, men and women, and I have the whole time we've been together. She knows I am bi, I told her before we married. She is OK with it and is somewhat curious herself, but she has not acted on it...(her choice not to, as it was her request and my agreement to be monogamous)

I kinda slide on the edge now and then since I do cyber a little. She knows, but not in the deepest detail. She knows I chat on the net and that I talk about sex a lot (I used to trade a lot of porn, so that was part of it).. My masturbating to porn is fine with her, but masturbating in chat is not as clearly OK.

The solution, maybe, I hope, is to stop being monogamous, but to not cheat. We've been to a swinger's club and intend to go back. If we find another couple to play with, then great! If not then back to the drawing board...

We've also discussed my getting a 'hall pass' but so far neither of us like that choice. I am not sure why (maybe I am, I want it for BOTH of us and I want us in it together, sharing, as we do with everything else, but is that fair either?). If it was for fishing or bike riding or anything BUT sex, she'd have told me to go find a partner years ago, as she has for these other activities. I think that is the old standards hanging on.

This has been kind of rambling, but I find that in the last few years, pretty much since I passed 50, that I want to have some more and new fun and play, it really is now or never, and that after 32 years of monogamy it chafes a bit, not nearly enough to risk our relationship, but enough to try to change it.

Liz