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  1. #1

    I Am No Longer Hot

    Still Sexy After All These Years? Nope. Bi, Celibate and Old.

    By Sheela Lambert

    Bi, celibate and old. This is what my life has come to. When I first discovered the New York City bi community, back in 1991, I was quite popular. In fact, I was the belle of the ball. For ten years I had boyfriends, I had girlfriends…sometimes at the same time! There was the occasional threesome or foursome and constant invitations to sex parties and sex clubs that I always turned down (well almost always.) On one birthday, the entire guest-list of my bisexual birthday party gave me a group massage, which they offered (several times!) to turn into an orgy focused solely on me (I stuck with the massage.) A select bunch from my Bisexual Women’s Group went out together every week to dances and movies and beaches and I was always one of the gang. Groups of bi folk would actually gather in my apartment, even though I live in Washington Heights (commonly referred to as the nosebleed section of Manhattan).

    When I was in my thirties and had lost my baby-fat but had not yet gained middle-age spread… I was hot. I was slender, curvy, and although not supermodel material, looked quite fabulous in a bikini—despite childbirth and a few stretch marks that could only be seen in bright light. My ex and I had joint custody of our son, so although I was a single mom half the week, I was single the other half. I never had to wait more than a few months between beaus or beauties, sometimes the start-up of one relationship occurred right on the heels of another’s demise. Even my diagnosis of Crohn’s disease didn’t put that much of a crimp in my social life at first because I already had a boyfriend, a girlfriend and lots of friends.

    But the girlfriend decided she wasn’t comfortable with my double dating (now she’s the poster girl for polyamory) and the boyfriend wanted a healthy partner and children. Other bisexual relationships, though delightful in many ways, came and went.

    But now, 13 years after my illness was diagnosed, it’s been two years since I’ve been in a relationship. And I’m not sure the last two even count. They were two recycled boyfriends, one bi and one incorrigibly straight, that I reactivated out of loneliness and the hope they would work out better the second time around. They didn’t. My theory was that two workaholics equal one decent boyfriend. But I just ended up being twice as frustrated when both of them cancelled dates, didn’t call when they should have or kept taking weeks off from the relationship because they “needed time alone.” Theoretically I was in two relationships. But in reality, I was spending weeks without a single date. I finally broke up with both, deciding that being alone would be about the same as dating those two, except without the cancellations. And then when they didn’t call me, at least I was expecting it.

    About a year later, I had a few dates with a woman from one of my bi groups who proved even more slippery than the guys I broke up with. (In my experience, when it comes to dating, women are just as screwed up as the guys.) She had flirted with me years ago but when we went to see her sing in a Village jazz club, a light turned on. She had chocolate skin, long hair and a beautiful smile. She could spontaneously make up a new verse for an old standard and get everyone going. She got me going for sure. We had a couple dates but between her day job, gigging and rehearsing with her band, it was hard to get penciled in. I convinced her to squeeze in a date midweek. Although she invited me in, on my way out the door, she cancelled our date for the following Sunday. After she had her way with me. Apparently I had used up my quota of her time for the week. And this was a vacation week when she wasn’t teaching and had said she’d have more time. I got fed up and stopped calling. And since I had done all the pursuing…that was that.

    Nine months later I turned 50 and freaked. I hadn’t had a date in 9 months. I hadn’t had a relationship in a year and a half. I had been faithfully attending my bi group twice a month, was showing up to a new one that popped up as well as an LGBT brunch group in my neighborhood (which turned out to be a bunch of gay guys, one lesbian and me.) I hadn’t met anyone. Just to prove to myself that I could still get a date, I put some personal ads on craigslist but left off my age. Of course since I’m bi, I had to post separate ads for men and women. And I had to be careful to write completely different wording so I wouldn’t be flagged as a repeat ad space hogger. And I had to omit any mention that I am bi.

    In the men’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi, because that attracts guys who assume I can’t wait to meet them at the nearest sex club. In the women’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi because I would be instantly stereotyped and rejected as a bi-curious chick seeking a girl-on-girl one night stand. The only responses I could expect would be come-ons from women who are (very graphically), seeking the same.

    To my bi-free ad I had many replies and three actual dates: two straight guys and a transgender woman (I answered her ad.) They went the way of most blind dates: in the crapper. I recently posted personal ads again and posted my age this time. The silence was deafening.

    Apparently 20’s and 30’s are sexy. Even 40 isn’t over the hill these days. But 50 is the kiss of death. Of course, in person, people say I look much younger. But that still assumes that at 50 you have attained hagdom.

    I’m experiencing the invisibility that goes with aging. Although it’s a relief to be catcall-free when I’m walking down the street, the lack of attention in my personal life is not as enjoyable. At 34, my social calendar was full. Either I have become eccentric and cranky in my old age or people just don’t think of 50 year old women as appealing. I’ve had some offers for casual sex, but one thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I’m into relationships and casual sex doesn’t do a thing for me.

    Even the one time I got dragged to a sex party way back when (I was out of town at a bi conference and as everyone knows, conference sex doesn’t count) I fell in love. I called the girl I hooked up with at the party the next day and invited her to visit me in New York. I could tell over the phone that she thought I was a lunatic. She was taking the “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” approach and I was still thinking about the tender way she wrapped my scarf around my neck before I walked out the door.


    I recently launched a new bi women’s group called Bi Women of All Colors, with Donna Redd, a friend from the good old days of the original Bisexual Women’s Group in NYC. Donna has a husband and a girlfriend—she is the bomb. I was hoping that this would be an opportunity for me to make new friends and possibly find a girlfriend too. At one of our recent dinners, two beautiful and interesting women showed up, each one special in her own way. I considered both, daydreaming about what it would be like to fall in love with each one. I was feeling quite hopeful. At the end of dinner they went off with each other.

    What happened? I used to be that girl. The one that people wanted to go off with. But my role has changed. I am now seen as a mother-figure who provides opportunities for others. I am no longer hot.

    I am also no longer child-bearing. I have already had hot flashes, night sweats and erratic periods. Even if I could get pregnant, when you have a child who is old enough to have his own; it’s time to close down the factory. I enjoyed motherhood but was never prepared to repeat an experience that almost killed me the first time. Luckily, modern medicine intervened and, unlike mothers who gave birth before the advent of antibiotics, I survived. And was able to enjoy raising my child.

    I used to turn to family for love and attention when romance was in short supply. But the loved ones who made me feel special, my mom, my dad and my aunt have all died. My son regards me as a parent to rebel against, not a person to get to know. And my brother is a bit overwhelmed trying to substitute for the three people who have disappeared. Although he tries to be supportive, he is so tired of the bi topic, I can see his eyes roll up in his head even over the phone.

    Right now, my main relationship is with my new vibrator which I was forced to purchase when my other one fried. It literally short circuited while in use, making scary noises accompanied by the acrid smell of burnt rubber—and a case of orgasm interuptus. “Electrocution by vibrator” might have gotten me into the Book of World Records, but I’m glad it didn’t.

    Of course, having a chronic illness has caused me to be much less socially active. When you don’t have energy to go out, you have less opportunities to meet people. I don’t go to bi groups as often as I used to, or explore other events at the LGBT Center either. I don’t go to the theater, dance performances, restaurants or concerts—disabled people tend to be poor. I don’t go to free outdoor concerts either, as they require arriving an hour early to get an uncomfortable seat or a patch of grass (I need a backrest and a padded chair to sit for more than a few minutes) and if there are bathrooms, they are far from the seating area and have long lines; which I can’t stand on. I feel older than I look, a result of the constant fatigue from having a chronic illness. After 13 years, I only have a vague memory of what I used to be like pre-Crohn’s. People who can go to a job five days a week, play sports on the weekend or have a trim figure, all things I can no longer do, seem like they have superpowers to me.

    My only superpower left is my activist work. Over 16 years, I have learned by doing. And because of the internet, it is something I can now do at home in my nightgown. I can rest between proposals and emails. And can turn my computer back on if I’m having insomnia at 3AM. Or 4 or 5 or 6. For some people, it would be a superpower to be able to speak out about their bisexuality. Either they have too much to lose or they’re having too much fun. At this point, I have nothing to lose and I’d rather spend my time racking up accomplishments for the bi and LGBT community than wasting my time on a relationship that doesn’t work, even a bi one. I would be willing to cut back a bit for true love, however. My psychic bisexual ex-boyfriend says it’s not in the cards. But I’m ready to throw the cards away.

    ***

    Sheela Lambert is a veteran bi and LGBT writer, presenter and activist living in New York City with her son and her dust collection. She is the founder of the Bi Writers Association, organizer of the Bisexual Speakers Bureau in the NYC area, founder of the Bi Mental Health Professionals Association, Bi Teachers Association, Co-Founder of the Coalition of Unity and Inclusion and lead organizer of Bialogue. She was the lead activist who, together with transgender activist Pauline Park, spearheaded the successful inclusion campaigns convincing The Center, Heritage of Pride’s Annual Pride March, Pride Rally, and Pride Festival and The Film Festival in New York City to change their names from “Lesbian and Gay” to “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender” and spearheaded the successful campaign to add a bisexual award category to the Lammys book awards. She is the host of Out Professionals’ LGBT Filmmaker Series and editor of the forthcoming anthology Best Bi Short Stories. She produced and hosted the first weekly bi TV series on the planet, Bisexual Network, on NYC public access cable in 1993 and was a correspondent on the GLBT public access cable show Out in the 90’s 1992-93. She produced a Safer Sex Workshop Series for Bi Women and Lesbians March 92-Dec 95, the only one of its kind during that time period. She has been an active member of Heritage of Pride, Queer Nation, Educational Coalition on Lesbian and Gay Youth (ECoLaGY) and the Manhattan Borough President's LGBTQ and Two Spirit Advisory Board. She has a B.S. in Psychology and has worked as an HIV Counselor, in homelessness prevention and managed health food stores. In her youth she lived in a Yoga monastery for five years at the Integral Yoga Institute, coincidentally, across the street from the LGBT Community Center on 13th Street.

    (c) Copryight 2007 Sheela Lambert

  2. #2

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Thank you for a opening up a very close to home subject for many of us women....and men. Getting older is scary enough without the baggage that comes with it. When you talk to someone who's younger and they suddenly slap you in the face with something like, "Well I don't want to be with someone who's old enough to be my mother/father, that's just creepy" and you realize that you are that age now it's quite a weird feeling. You wonder where all those years went and why you didn't appreciate them more when you had them. Then you add on having an injury or illness that slows you down from things you use to be able to do so easily and the frustration really sets in. It seems like there are a lot in the same circumstances and just as many saying those things don't matter to me but for some reason or another these two types don't seem to find each other very often.......sorry rambling.
    http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/i...7a7ac275b3.gif
    Hugs,
    Arana


    Life is a strange thing...
    Just when you think you've learned how to use it, it's gone.....

  3. #3

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    uhhh....

    Boy doesnt this give you something to be depressed about... what a bummer
    Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.
    Bugs Bunny

  4. #4

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Quote Originally Posted by arana
    Thank you for a opening up a very close to home subject for many of us women....and men. Getting older is scary enough without the baggage that comes with it. When you talk to someone who's younger and they suddenly slap you in the face with something like, "Well I don't want to be with someone who's old enough to be my mother/father, that's just creepy" and you realize that you are that age now it's quite a weird feeling. You wonder where all those years went and why you didn't appreciate them more when you had them. Then you add on having an injury or illness that slows you down from things you use to be able to do so easily and the frustration really sets in. It seems like there are a lot in the same circumstances and just as many saying those things don't matter to me but for some reason or another these two types don't seem to find each other very often.......sorry rambling.
    You know, I remember when............. ahhhh! The memories.
    And now comes everything that accompanies them including arthritis, etc.
    Getting older really sucks, but thats life and I have been unable to find the quantum shift stabilization widget I need to complete my time warp traverser. So until I can finish it, your stuck with me.......... or is that I'm stuch with me? Whatever
    When injustice becomes law,
    Resistance becomes DUTY. T. Jefferson

  5. #5

    Cool Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    You have something most people would die for, a gift for words.
    You tell if just as it is, Getting Old Is Not For Sissys...
    Thanks for the article, I have never heard anyone put it out there for everyone to see.
    Love Ya,
    NaughtyNorm (or used to be)
    Last edited by NaughtyNorm; May 29, 2007 at 1:58 AM.

  6. #6

    Thumbs up Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Sheela Lambert, your article is timely and informative; it speaks to the soul. Most of us have never had the courage to live honestly without fear of censure and rejection. You have. It can be a lonely road; just talk to a modern day Sage, Prophet or 50 yr old bisexual public figure. I want to say that I appreciate your comments, activism and drive. You have accomplished more than most of us ever will. You touched me where it counts and for that I am thankful. Damn, I
    wish you were passing through Illinois.

    Alexshade

  7. #7

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    As a young man, my impression was that my appeal to women depended significantly on how they rated my prospects for accumulating wealth more than my physical attributes. As a young man, my desire for men was totally based on their physical attributes. As a young man, I suppressed my desire for men, acted on my desire for women and somewhat resented being rated as a source of income.
    Now I am almost 60, my knees often hurt, my shoulders often hurt, “hell” everything often hurts. But, I can still physically outdo many that are half my age. As an advanced middle age (too young to be old) man, my desire for women has not changed. But my approach to women is tempered by reality since my impression is most (not all) women do not consider me particularly useful for anything. As an advanced middle age man, my desire for men has not changed. But my approach to men is tempered by the reality that many other bi-men my age (myself included) are still are happy to enjoy sex and companionship.

    So for me, I try adapt to my changing body and social status. Life after 50 can still be quit pleasant. I hope all you who are young get to experience it that way.

    JEM
    JEM

  8. #8

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Sheela still looks pretty hot to me.

  9. #9

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Quote Originally Posted by biwords
    Sheela still looks pretty hot to me.
    Amen to that! I'd date her! But then I turned 40 this past January, so my prospects for young hotties are pretty slim.

    Thanks for being so open and honest about your experiences.
    Never be bullied into silence;
    Never let yourself be made a victim;
    Accept no one's definition of your life;
    Define yourself.

  10. #10
    Azrael
    Guest

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Very well done. I know I'm just a kid, but some days I feel 200. It all goes by so fast, and before ya know it, it's something that happened. Thanks for being real, darling

  11. #11

    Thanks for your kind words and thoughtful comments!

    To the lady and gentleman who said I look pretty hot, to you, I say *blush* thank you! (Of course, I went through an entire roll of film to find the most flattering photo that makes me look thinner and doesnt show my double chin!)

    I originally started writing this piece for an anthology on ageing but lost track before the deadline...early Alzheimers coming on! Was glad to be able to find a home for it here. Getting all your feedback and commentary is very heartwarming.

    This is an issue that is not much discussed and was hard for me to put out into the public domain. It's much easier for me to profile or interview someone else, making them sound interesting and glamorous, than to reveal the decline of my own attractiveness and ability to function as a human being.

    I loved the quote: Getting Old Is Not For Sissys...so true and neither is disability!

    Such thoughtful comments by Arana, Dogwood, Alexshade, Azrael and others make me feel very warm inside and that taking this risk was worth it.

    I'll keep checking in to read your comments so anyone new, feel free to speak your mind!

    Sheela
    Last edited by fuscialadybug; May 29, 2007 at 3:22 PM.

  12. #12

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Hey Shella,Such a wonderfull article!! Very nice indeed.. Well as someone that has had degeniretive arthritis since i was 35,now 48, getting old can suck most day's.. But by damm most days i feel much younger!!! And you are a beutifull woman. You just have to deal with what life throw's at you. Well thank's for a wonderfull article!! Charles...
    Charles,,,Tex...

  13. #13

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    What a sharply detailed article of Real Life, Sheela! Here's hoping you find the passionate partner, while pursuing the bi activism passion. Sometimes when you aren't looking is when the best ones will find you.

  14. #14

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Sheela, I joined the bi community at age 56 and was consistently the oldest woman on websites. Now at 60 I am still often the oldest woman on websites, and certainly in the minority on those websites that do have older members. Added to the disadvantage of my age is my being poly and married, and even if any age-appropriate prospects are out there, my being married is usually the death knell to any hope of a relationship. Just about every day I give up hope of ever being partnered with a woman again, but deep in my heart I am not sure I can give up trying.

    In spite of arthritis in most of my joints (severe in my knees), ten years of hot flashes, an empty nest, and seeing a stranger in the mirror every time I peek, I don't really mind growing old. It seems that it is the younger women, who now seem to so easily identify as bi, that are the ones who object to my having grown old. I am the one they turn to for sage advice and comfort, but only a rare few turn to me for a romantic relationship. I enjoy the status that comes with being a senior citizen, but not at the expense of having an intimate relationship with a woman.

  15. #15

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Well I guess I have a slightly different take on this thread. I guess I do not seem to have a problem on here as I never make looks and important aspect of meeting people. I personally do not think that I am the most attractive women on the site. I am six feet tall, blonde hair an glasses and not skinny, yet I find that I have made friends here. I have had the pleasure of meeting so so many people in person from this site, and have never been disappointed. Personality, heart and soul are what makes a greater person in my eyes.

    Belle

  16. #16

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Quote Originally Posted by nmcbklyn
    Sheela, I joined the bi community at age 56 and was consistently the oldest woman on websites. Now at 60 I am still often the oldest woman on websites, and certainly in the minority on those websites that do have older members. Added to the disadvantage of my age is my being poly and married, and even if any age-appropriate prospects are out there, my being married is usually the death knell to any hope of a relationship. Just about every day I give up hope of ever being partnered with a woman again, but deep in my heart I am not sure I can give up trying.

    In spite of arthritis in most of my joints (severe in my knees), ten years of hot flashes, an empty nest, and seeing a stranger in the mirror every time I peek, I don't really mind growing old. It seems that it is the younger women, who now seem to so easily identify as bi, that are the ones who object to my having grown old. I am the one they turn to for sage advice and comfort, but only a rare few turn to me for a romantic relationship. I enjoy the status that comes with being a senior citizen, but not at the expense of having an intimate relationship with a woman.
    You can't ever give up Hope, NM, for in the end that is all any of us really has to keep us going. Eventually you will find someone that see's the gem you really are. It's sad when people tend to judge on a number rather than the person, but I guess that goes with everything really.
    http://c4.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/i...7a7ac275b3.gif
    Hugs,
    Arana


    Life is a strange thing...
    Just when you think you've learned how to use it, it's gone.....

  17. #17

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Dear Sheela,
    I really really agree with your feelings and thoughts expressed in this piece in the sense that my experiences have been quite similiar -- lotsa fun warm intense cuddly hot heart-felt sex in my 40s and then it getting more difficult in my 50s and in less than a year i'll be SIXTY and hey, we old folks still wanna have fun too!
    However there is something pity-partying about the way you lay it all out too that's sad and that i wanna humor you out of because self-fulfilling prophecies are too much a bummer!
    Chin up grrrlfriend, once more of us start Alzheimering and are allowed (ha) to play around in the nursing homes maybe it'll be better.
    love,
    Loraine
    P.S. i also have disabilities and the disabilities rights movement is right that society de-sexualizes differently abled people and the more i know this the more i'm determined to FIGHT it, too!

  18. #18

    Wink Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    I too think you're hot. I tend to fancy people of a variety of ages, and there are a couple of people I'm interested in who are in their fifties.

  19. #19

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    It's unfortunate, but in this case it's not really a 'bi' thing (at best it's a 'poly thing'). The prime reason is obviously Crohn's disease; partners may not be forever, but friends on the whole are not going to mind you getting older. (unless of course, a cultural difference manifests itself).

    Of course, being bi doesn't help in many cases and the perception of the author as a commitment shy HBB when dating doesn't help. I can only suggest being very clear about what you want, and upfront about yourself with good pictures so as to restrict responses to genuinely interested people. You'll still get sleazes mailing you, but nothing will stop that.

    I'm going to be a bit brutal : Some people were never hot in the first place, and they learn to sort out their own issues, become less focused on other hot people (there has to be attraction of course, but the author seems very focused on appearance) and figure out that if doing the same thing over and over again isn't working that they need to do something different.

    Is it upsetting that people discriminate against those who aren't as able bodied/hot/rich/whatever? Yes it is. However, the world will not change for you. Either find a group of people who appreciate the qualities you do have, or develop qualities that offset the aspects of yourself that decrease your dating potential.

    I'm not completely heartless, I do feel for anyone with a chronic illness, and I realise that in such a situation life is hard. Unfortunately it's still not going to bring Mr and/or Miss right to your door. If you're depressed, go and see the doctor about it. Otherwise, the status quo isn't working, so change things.

    Maybe other people with a long term disability could offer advice, if this is the main issue?
    Last edited by syllopsium; May 30, 2007 at 8:28 AM.

  20. #20

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Quote Originally Posted by syllopsium
    ....friends on the whole are not going to mind you getting older. (unless of course, a cultural difference manifests itself).

    I can only suggest being very clear about what you want, and upfront about yourself with good pictures so as to restrict responses to genuinely interested people. You'll still get sleazes mailing you, but nothing will stop that.

    I'm going to be a bit brutal : Some people were never hot in the first place, and they learn to sort out their own issues, become less focused on other hot people (there has to be attraction of course, but the author seems very focused on appearance) and figure out that if doing the same thing over and over again isn't working that they need to do something different.

    However, the world will not change for you. Either find a group of people who appreciate the qualities you do have, or develop qualities that offset the aspects of yourself that decrease your dating potential.

    Hey Syllopsium, good to see you here in the forums at last (:

    .... I know Syll socially and have such respect for his wisdom and trustworthiness, he is indeed one of the good guys

    ... I really value Sylls words 'some of us were never hot in the first place'

    I was like you Sheela.... not quite so hot maybe but i had my moments and never questioned my physical attractiveness to others. Then I became desperately ill with depression and gained over 112lb as a side effect of crucial life saving meds.

    Quite apart from the impact this had on my personality and relationships, the altered body image was a truly devastating experience for me. I could barely walk or even carry my whole weight. I was unsteady on my feet and often fell downstairs and was unable to pick myself up.....

    I could not express my personality or sexuality in my dress as nothing fit me ( i went up to a UK size 32 top and 26 bottom) even resortig to wrapping a muslin curtain around me, sarong style, in the summer as nothing else touched me and, as i am unable to work, have no finances to spare for even high street specialist size clothes.

    I saw this time, though devastating, as one of the most important times in my life. I saw how much i take for granted. I expect respect and visibility. I expect my words to be listened to and acknowledged. I expect to be found attractive.

    How arrogant of me, how naive are these expectations! Suddenly I too was invisible, of no consequence whose wisdom is meaningless because I was no longer acceptable to look at. A humbling experience indeed.

    I was lucky. I fought for, and won, a referral to a weight management specialist hospital. Where, against everyone's expectations of me, i stuck to the programme and lost all that weight. Also, with the help of my psychiatrist, weaned myself off the drug that had caused this weight gain.

    In the UK health care is free as are prescriptions for those of us who are dependent on state benefits. I do not underestimate how lucky i am to have been able to access this free support.

    But the point that Syll makes about some of us always being 'not hot' reminds me not to be so superficial. I lost many friends over the past five years and am glad they have gone because they clearly weren't worth having in the first place.

    Yes, you are getting older Sheela... You live with a devastatingly intrusive, chronic illness, how cruel. And your beauty comes more from within nowadays (stunning hair though!). You have many memories of the past but the past is gone now, its over. The new friends and lovers you make will be with the person you are now, not who you once were.

    You seem to be grieving just now Sheela, for lost loves, your fertility, your health and beauty. It is healthy to grieve....to grieve and move on to a new reality. I hope you can make new friends here and on other sites, where your age and sexual orientation will be accepted as just part of who you are now.

    love julie.

  21. #21

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    I think you are beautiful from what I can see. Usually, I make a connection through massage and can see who people really are inside; it sounds wierd but I can, so I don't prejudge on outer appearance. Did I say you look beautiful?
    I can relate to your situation, I am almost 47, and I have a messed up back, arthritis in my left hip, and worst of all, an inflamed prostate. The prostate has been getting better slowly cause I keep masturbating to keep it from getting too full. I suffered from depression for 7 years after the injury to my back and the resulting slide in my health.
    I'm here on this site with all you good people to fix all of that. This is what I want. If it only comes down to chatting with someone, thats ok. If you need to get a healing massage, come see me. I do it for friends now, but I used to be professional. I have references to my advanced skills.
    I just started focusing on other people besided myself. Just reach out and do what you can, hold who you can, and love who you can because life is short and even shorter if focus on yourself and get depressed.
    Get with your friends, spend more time naked, and take care of yourself; enjoy life.

  22. #22

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    U maynot b hot 2 the people u have met so far...that is only because your standards and code of ethics have changed. So do u really want 2 b hot the way u used 2? I think not...just b u...it's that u that will attract the right kind of partner that will b a 'life partner'.

    divapro9 from Memphis

  23. #23

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Quote Originally Posted by syllopsium
    It's unfortunate, but in this case it's not really a 'bi' thing (at best it's a 'poly thing'). The prime reason is obviously Crohn's disease; partners may not be forever, but friends on the whole are not going to mind you getting older. (unless of course, a cultural difference manifests itself).

    Of course, being bi doesn't help in many cases and the perception of the author as a commitment shy HBB when dating doesn't help. I can only suggest being very clear about what you want, and upfront about yourself with good pictures so as to restrict responses to genuinely interested people. You'll still get sleazes mailing you, but nothing will stop that.

    I'm going to be a bit brutal : Some people were never hot in the first place, and they learn to sort out their own issues, become less focused on other hot people (there has to be attraction of course, but the author seems very focused on appearance) and figure out that if doing the same thing over and over again isn't working that they need to do something different.

    Is it upsetting that people discriminate against those who aren't as able bodied/hot/rich/whatever? Yes it is. However, the world will not change for you. Either find a group of people who appreciate the qualities you do have, or develop qualities that offset the aspects of yourself that decrease your dating potential.

    I'm not completely heartless, I do feel for anyone with a chronic illness, and I realise that in such a situation life is hard. Unfortunately it's still not going to bring Mr and/or Miss right to your door. If you're depressed, go and see the doctor about it. Otherwise, the status quo isn't working, so change things.

    Maybe other people with a long term disability could offer advice, if this is the main issue?
    about....the courage to change the things i can with that serenity.

  24. #24

    I'm glad I was never hot.

    I've only ever been "cute", maybe even "surprisingly sexy," but not hot. I'm grateful for that now. I'm 33, so I don't have to deal with this yet, but Gods willing, I'm sure one day it might come up.

    Aging in our community does need to be discussed. I posted a question in the LGBT section of Yahoo! Answers tonight: "Do you have older LGBT role models?" We need them so very badly. Our community needs much more than hotness. We need to know what happens when our hotness fades but our minds don't. We need to stop feeling the need to reinvent the wheel every generation, and have a good idea who to turn to.

    Thank you so much for writing this.
    Last edited by GreenEyedLilo; May 30, 2007 at 11:13 PM.

  25. #25

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Thanks to everyone for responding to my article with wisdom and reassurance or even criticism.

    I apologize to those who felt it wasnt inspirational enough. I did offer other more glamorous or intellectual article topics but this was the one they chose. Maybe they thought it would be more inspirational also, LOL. I hope that other folks in my boat can take solice from knowing they arent the only one and that others can draw some understanding for our experience.

    I focus on bi activism and organizing to give my life meaning and purpose. Achieving goals that benefit the bi community gives me joy. I certainly do know that who I am is special, unique, interesting and worthwhile. That is one of the benefits of age. You believe in your own self-worth.

    Well that's my inspirational message for today. Tomorrow is the Lammys where I am honored to be co-presenting the bi book award winner and Friday is Bi Lines: A Celebration of Bisexual Writing in Reading, Music and Culture which I am organizing. I'll check in again soon for more messages.

    Sheela
    Last edited by fuscialadybug; May 31, 2007 at 1:45 AM.

  26. #26

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    Sheela Lambert

    Uh, You are still hot Sheela!
    I have noticed a falling off of people that enjoy this type of life and have a good time being bi! Quite a few bi groups of our friends have ended meeting as a group. It may just be a cycle in life?
    I am a Transgendered, Non-Op, Married to a wonderful SO, Bi Person. If I want to have sex with some one other than my SO, I Have to BUY! Even if we want a threesome or moresome! I think that makes me a BUY sexual Bi-sexual? The biggest problem we face is that for every true top guy there is. There seem to be 100 or more bottoms so the tops get to choose the "Best".
    Most of the guys that tell us they are Bi Just want to Have a good time with my SO and Nothing at all to do with me! It Hurts me when that happens! We live in NJ. not far from NYC. But going into NYC and back as not fun for us so we limit ourselves!Again There is nothing wron with you YOU ARE HOT! Regina & Sally

  27. #27

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    If you an arrange it so, make all your mistakes in life pleasurible ones; after all, they will be your memories.

    Life changes and ebbs and flows. At one point in my life when I was young and slim and beautiful I had more sexual partners than I could shake my dick at. At 51 not anymore. Do I miss it? Of course but at the same time men don't look at aging like women do...we are more likely to accept it and move on as opposed to getting all depressed.

    Living life is accepting the full experince, not just the good times.

  28. #28

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    This article has been bothering me since it went up. Really bothering me.

    It's the age thing.

    This is nothing personal Sheela, it's well written and for a lot of us, it's also true.....and I think that is what bothers me so much.

    With a birthday fast approaching, I will be turning....gasp.....48. I still FEEL 25 most of the time. I am finding that all the years of being "told" by the media mostly that at 50 a woman might as well beome a nun, forget being sexy or attractive and that suddenly at 50 we will BE OLD, that I seem to have developed this 'image' of what a 50 year old should look like and be like......and it scares the hell out of me to be honest.

    When I look in the mirror, I don't see that. I don't SEE old....I don't SEE useless.....I don't SEE a nun.....I don't SEE "no longer sexy"....but I also don't see that 18 year old either.

    Yet, I look around me and I see people tripping over themselves when the 18, 20, 25 year old bodies walk by....and deep down I feel sad for some reason.....and yet....I was asked not long ago if I was going to be 21 'again' for my birthday, and I had to stop and think about that.

    Would I want to be 21 again? If it meant that I had to give up the smattering of wisdom I have gained (through no easy means I might add!) then I would have to say "no." Would I want to be seen as young, attractive, usefull and maybe even sexy? Yeah, I'm vain....I admit it.

    But the funny thing I have discovered, is that I really don't have a problem with how I look or the fact that gravity does in fact act on the human body, or that what once was any old bikini now has to be "stratically placed" swimwear.

    What I DO have a problem with is that I feel very isolated in my thinking. There don't seem to be a lot of people who agree with me. It seems to be that no matter how "okay" I am with me and my age, that I have to tolerate a rather large portion of society that isn't okay with it.

    It doesn't even seem to matter that I don't look even close to my age, as soon as people find out that magic number, thier attitude changes and I feel slapped with the "old" label and "old" image.

    I am also finding that a LOT of women my age don't "look it." Gets me wondering how many women have been lowering that age number and for how many years.....it seems my 'image' of a 50 year old more closely matches someone 20 or 30 years OLDER than that!

    I realize that I "shouldn't care what other people think"....I just find it really hard to be around the comments for any length of time......sort of like being bisexual and being around people who are constantly telling you that bisexuality doesn't exist....it gets tiring after a while.

    Someone made the comment that men handle aging better than women do, which is probably true.....but then men are bombarded with youthful images of women without even marks on their skin, let alone any other imperfections the way women are. At least men aren't affected by it the same way women are...and it's everywhere.

    And no matter how okay women are with themselves, there are STILL many, many people who are not okay with anything that's too short of that expectation...and we hear about it, directly or indirectly.

    So....are we old? I don't think so....I think we got smacked with another label.

  29. #29

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    i'm very nervous now after this article. i'm 20 years old and have known that i was a bisexual female since the 6th grade and have NEVER been with another female before, other than kissing. i don't feel that any women are attracted to me enough and now i'm wondering how it's going to be when i'm 50? if i can't even get anyone now what is it gonna be like then?! oh sigh...


    but anyways, the article was very well written. i am impressed at how you opened your life up to so many people and revealed not only embarassment but strength at the same time. you are still a beautiful person, inside AND OUT.


    and i'm glad your vibrator didn't electrocute you...that would have been a real interesting day at the ER...

  30. #30

    Re: I Am No Longer Hot

    I've always liked mature men and women!

    Now I am one of them, at 60, but I still have a preference for mature.

    Becoming a paraplegic at 27, it just seemed to spur my interest in bisexual activities and over the years life has been good.

    I've learned to not worry too much about rejection and know that personality has become my biggest asset.

    Becoming a nice guy with a confident nature doesn't hinder and wondering about what could have been is not as important as what could be or is.

    Knowing countless in the disable community, depression is rampant, but being an optimist leads to self fulfilling prophesy...sorta...:-)

    Considering each day a gift may be considered a tad too polyannaish, but I get a big grin just the same.

    All the best too y'all, the best is yet to be...if we let it.
    There are just two tragedy's in this life.
    One is not getting what you want.
    The other is getting it.

 

 

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