HOW MANY GUYS HERE ARE MARRIED AND SECRETLY BI

[superyumboi]

never married and don't plan on it.

i know myself too well to know i love variety and hate restrictions.

dating is cool and so is being exclusive with someone, but i could never put someone thru that unneccesary pain because of my love of diversity. mainly myself.

[pbaldoni@verizon.net]

HEY GUYS IF YOU ARE MARRIED AND HIDING YOUR BISEXUALITY FROM YOUR WIFE, HOW DO YOU DO IT AND ARE ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY SEEING ANYONE ON THE SIDE. I AM MARRIED AND BI BUT MY WIFE FOUND MY SECRET EMAIL ACCOUNT AND GOT THE PASSWORD SO I AM PAYING HELL RIGHT NOW.

When im going to have sex with another guy i have it right in my bed
most times we dont have the same days off and some times she works doubles and that gives me time to have fun

[RobUK]

OK, to start off, I'm neither married nor even involved with anyone (yet). I would like to ask a simple question, though, which seems so glaringly obvious to me, yet no-one else even thinks to raise...

Whenever someone says they're married but doing X or Y, people feel able to say that what they're doing is wrong or right.

Yet, with most issues (be it religion, sexuality, politics, etc.) MOST people agree that they can have their own beliefs/actions, and we're all entitled to our own different beliefs. It would just be considered rude, offensive even, for people to tell someone "what you are doing is wrong".

However, whenever these threads come up about relationships/cheating, everything is so black and white, right or wrong. It's almost as if there's some relationship 'Code of Conduct' somewhere that we all should follow. Other social practices have books (be it The Bible, Qu'ran, or Das Kapital), but even then, with rules laid out in black and white, we still permit people to believe and act differently.

Why are relationships considered an exception? Some people sound so dogmatic, just like in religion or politics, but people seem to feel able to go EVEN further and insist "this is what is done". No argument, no dissent.

Why?

[bi_mm_45]

I'm married and bi. Wife doesn't know. She would not understand (i.e. marriage would be over). I met up with 2 guys over 10 years. It's hard to get time alone to meet up with guys. Can't ever host, have to be discreet/safe. Know of two bookstores where I could hook-up, but they are not close. Need to weigh the risks/rewards. I could do it more, but I'm not willing to risk everything for it.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I AM MARRIED AND BI BUT MY WIFE FOUND MY SECRET EMAIL ACCOUNT AND GOT THE PASSWORD SO I AM PAYING HELL RIGHT NOW.


Uhh, and who's fault is this? Cheaters and sneaks never win. Open the door and step outside, Sugar. You'll be glad you did.
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

it seems like they have gotten stronger over the years, maybe because she has gotten very fat, lazy and she has always been very controling and nosey.

So this is your reasoning and excuse to do what you want to do, huh....?
Cat

[tenni]

Now Dumpling
Why bless your heart....If you make your lover see you as "controlling and nosey", you are not going to keep a lover interested in y'all? Kills da love shugar as surely as if you kick them in the gonads...man or woman. It enough to make any sane person escape from the abuse.

it seems like they have gotten stronger over the years, maybe because she has gotten very fat, lazy and she has always been very controling and nosey.

So this is your reasoning and excuse to do what you want to do, huh....?
Cat

[MarieDelta]

Now Dumpling
Why bless your heart....If you make your lover see you as "controlling and nosey", you are not going to keep a lover interested in y'all? Kills da love shugar as surely as if you kick them in the gonads...man or woman. It enough to make any sane person escape from the abuse.

I agree with you. But that being the case (wo)man-up and leave. Why hang around if you dont love them?

Finances? Kids?

Dont get me wroing I understand you all want to keep the priveledge that is associated with being a straight male. I get that more than you could ever know, however I think there is something to be said for honesty as well.

[Dog62]

Sorry guys, telling the wife isn't all that it is cracked up to be. I was married for 18 years to a woman that I was passionately in love with. One day she was on my computer instead of her own and found some bisexual porn. She didnt say a word to me about it but 6 days later I came home to a note that said basically 'you have gay porn on your computer so you must be gay. I am outta here'. She walked out with about 3 days worth of clothes. She left her car and all the rest of her belongings. She turned off her cell phone, bought a new one and would not even speak to me for weeks. She abandoned our joint checking account and started a new one. She bought herself a new car. She filed for divorce and still refuses to speak to me. She claimed that I had not allowed her access to the house to get her stuff when in fact I had been begging her to come back even to pack her stuff. We had just taken out a $90k home equity loan to buy our retirement RV a month before she left. So now here I sit, trying to sell my house since I can not afford both mortgages alone. I have turned off the cable, the home phone, and the internet (I have a cell that I can use with my laptop to internet). My life is in a shambles and my retirement plans are in the toilet. I never told my wife because I knew her feelings about it, but that didn't mean that I wasn't in love with her.

So, I must ask: Why tell if you have no need to tell? To be "honest"? Thats a hoot. To be "open"? If you know that outcome, then keep your fucking mouth shut. Telling my wife would have accomplished nothing but an earlier demise to my marriage.

[citystyleguy]

...odd how this topic popped up after three years, but it ties in nicely with another thread dealing with infidelity;

a question that i have always wanted to put to the women here; hmmm!

i was almost going to only post the question here, but have now decided to add it as a forum post!

[ErosUrge]

This gets into a lot and how well I can relate to this though I'm not in that situation any more. I truly believe that it is best to tell your significant other about your sexuality and especially before things go as far as marriage. My first wife took no issue with it and was never threatened by it since she knew there was nothing more to it than just sex.
My second wife did not know nor did she ever find out. I knew, like so many have stated here that the relationship would come to a screeching halt if she knew. It was a miserable time for me as I was always hiding and it became a continuum of hiding and deceit. I hated myself and cursed my bisexuality. I cared deeply for her but the more I tried to suppress my desire the more intensely I felt the need to act out on it always feeling miserable afterward.
So in finishing and now that I am open about my sexuality and always tell the woman right at the beginning, I know now what it feels like to be open now. And I do feel for you because I know what it means to hide and yet want to tell but know you can't because of the result. I know of people who hide all their lives and never get discovered and are capable of carrying on and not giving it much thought. I am one that can't. The best to you.

[michaelaaron]

If there is a common thread in all the posts on here, it seems to be sexless marriages. Do sexless marriages lead to infidelity? Are they sexless because one partner is keeping a secret, and the other partner senses that, and so the trust is broken, even on a subconscious level? Could it be that sexless marriages aren't leading to infidelity (another common theme in the posts) but is rather an excuse for it?

A lot of posters are very much in favor of coming out to your S/O, in favor of being honest. Other posters would have you believe that honesty to oneself is over-rated. I can't tell anyone else to whom or whether or not they should come out. But for myself, I just came out to my wife and also my best friend. The sense of personal freedom I feel, the lack of guilt, the confidence in my own sexual identity are all well worth the potential relationship ending possible consequences. I've realized now that I came out for me, not anyone else. I'm telling the truth for me, and it feels great.

[MarieDelta]

I've realized now that I came out for me, not anyone else. I'm telling the truth for me, and it feels great.

In the end that is who we come out for, ourselves...

[JP1986UM]

Sorry guys, telling the wife isn't all that it is cracked up to be. I was married for 18 years to a woman that I was passionately in love with. One day she was on my computer instead of her own and found some bisexual porn. She didnt say a word to me about it but 6 days later I came home to a note that said basically 'you have gay porn on your computer so you must be gay. I am outta here'. She walked out with about 3 days worth of clothes. She left her car and all the rest of her belongings. -snip-

So, I must ask: Why tell if you have no need to tell? To be "honest"? Thats a hoot. To be "open"? If you know that outcome, then keep your fucking mouth shut. Telling my wife would have accomplished nothing but an earlier demise to my marriage.

She flipped because you were lying to her. She was entitled to the truth and you basically justified lying to her. I feel no sympathy for you since YOU created this sham. Are you seriously looking for sympathetic tones? Many of us DID come out and we still sit in our wonderful 4 bedroom homes and still look forward to a retirement because we were honest. We didn't lie to our spouses.

I find the justifications of the other closeted bi men rather hysterical though. Thanks for the laughs.

[tenni]

Dog62 Post #39
Sorry that happened to you. Not all on here are as cold and bitter as JP1986UM

Life is not black and white. Bisexuality proves that is so. Too bad some posters on this site have no empathy and seem to have a few psychologically, unresolved personal issues.

[ErosUrge]

Yes I too agree with Tenni and feel that JP1986um is out of line condemning Dog62. This kind of superiority in attitude and as above the fray reveals much in the comments made....Though I'm not a professed Christian in the normal sense of the word, no doubt the words from I forget which gospel ring loud and true: "ye without sin cast the first stone..."
Now that's not to say Dog62 is innocent and I don't know. But it's also out of place to castigate him for a simple 'slip up'........this is much more complicated a situation than anyone from the outside has any business making judgments on. None of us has that right really without knowing every aspect of what was at work here. And even if his miscalculation is considered by some unforgivable, he is now carrying the burden of all that has happened....
Being bisexual is already complicated enough for many and this rush to judgment is uncalled for in my opinion. A gentler approach often solves much more than the angry cry of the mob which loses all reason and is blind to its own faults and blemishes. Whatever lesson there is to learn by Dog62 if indeed there is one, is his burden; no one else's. Nothing like kicking someone more once they're down and for this reason, I decided to address JP1986um's comments.

[JP1986UM]

Yes I too agree with Tenni and feel that JP1986um is out of line condemning Dog62.

Seriously, I am actually defending the one who is wronged and whose life is turned upside down (albeit without their knowledge) by their spouse cheating on them and possibly contracting an STD which they did not ask for and you condemn me?

Laughable.

Why not ask the spouse what they think about it and my defense of them.

Get back to me on it.

[Sulivan]

hello all, yes i am new here I told my X wife before we settled down that i was bi and she was ok with it, although once she was told i kept it to myself and had to sneal off when needed.

My current partner i also told before we settled, she is a lot more open and knows what i get up to on a friday night. I do prefer a woman for love and making love, but there is no way i could go the rest of my life without doing the things i do with a man....would i leave her if it was them or her? i think i would have to

[Ken1947]

Hello: I am 62, married 43 years, and this year talked with my wife about the bi fantasies and urges I have had over the years. I told her I had met a couple of guys, did the j/o and fondling thing, but seemed like I kept thinking about more. To make a long story short, she said it did not bother her and she was glad I did not have another woman as she would not like that at all. We have just had a great time with all of this, and a new understanding that has just cleared my mind, increased my sense of confidence, etc. So it can happen, and believe me I was really afraid to tell her, just got tired of the lying.

[ErosUrge]

Don't know why I bother to come back and address this, but I will and I won't be back to address it again. That said, JP1986UM has decided that he knows all about this situation concerning Dog62. And I am not here to defend anything more than the fact that we don't know the whole story. According to what he told us, he was married to the woman for 18 years....he never once mentioned he was acting out anywhere or playing the field with anyone either. Did he cheat?...maybe so...but it sure never says that anywhere in his post; not one word of it. What he admitted was that he had been watching bi porn without her knowledge and she found it on his computer when she decided to go in to his pc and look around.

I am not by any means saying that were he cheating it's a good thing or alright and I think anyone that's ever been cheated or deceived knows all too well the feeling. I certainly don't believe in deception or cheating either. But no where in his thread does he say he was cheating or playing around. He might of thought of it and perhaps eventually he might have moved in that direction or he actually might have and failed to mention it in his thread, or he might possibly have never done anything outside the relationship at all except for fantasize and look at bi porn and jacking off to it.....or maybe just maybe, not even that. The truth is from the information given, WE DON'T KNOW. And to go around playing the role of God or as superior being without truly knowing says a lot about the person spouting off.

And who knows; maybe she was the sort of person that jumps to conclusions and did in this case assuming that because there was bi porn on the computer that he must be cheating. It might be that the idea of her husband enjoying the idea of bisexual sex might have been a big turn off for her and something that she condemned or does condemn. But still, WE DON'T KNOW. And if we're to use the idea that 'if he was fantasizing about it by watching it on his computer it's almost the same as doing it.' Well, that's a pretty shallow argument in my opinion. Because then it raises the question about how many of us or really all of us when we see someone in public or TV, in a movie, wherever; ( as in a gorgeous woman in the case of a man if he is interested in women or a striking man in the case of a woman if she is interested in men) have not been able to look away or shot a quick glance to not be conspicuous and were truly attracted? Or maybe even shot another quick glance looking away to not get noticed again and still all the while immensely attracted? In other words, you see someone that really attracts you whatever your sex or orientation, and know that you would never cheat, but were still attracted. Is that the same thing as cheating?...Or perhaps you work with someone that you're really attracted to and are always attracted every time you see that person, and go home and masturbate in the shower fantasizing about that person, is that cheating? It might be one step away but it still hasn't happened. I mean, in those moments though one might not ever act out on them even if the opportunity presented itself, was it wrong to look and then furthermore get turned on by it? I think if anyone denies these things happen, it's pretty simple to see where they're coming from.

I don't agree with Dog62 when he says: "why tell if you have no need to tell?"...and my response would be that if you can live with that burden of secrecy and having to cover your tracks all the time and having to lie to cover a lie....and it goes on and on, then be my guest. But overall, that is a pretty miserable existence as I remember being in those shoes myself. But then there are many who can live this way and do...it's just not for me.

Again, if he is guilty of cheating, well then some would argue that he is getting what he deserves. And once again, if that's the case, then he is indeed paying the price for it. If he is guilty, all his whimpering would have a hollow thud as most don't or won't hear it and this he'll have to endure himself. And if 'guilty', then if he doesn't want this to happen again, he will either learn not to be deceptive or he won't. If he does learn, then he deserves credit for that. And since he is in a pretty miserable place right now, I don't think anyone has the right to kick him again while he's down.
So, JP1986UM, go ahead....pick up that stone and throw it; give him another kick, and also deny that you've never had an attraction outside to anyone at all whilst being madly in love with the one you're with.....
I think it's quite clear that what I am saying is we don't have all of the total picture on this situation except for the information given, and there are way too many loopholes in it to reach any kind of solid conclusion....

[ninetythree]

Sorry guys, telling the wife isn't all that it is cracked up to be. I was married for 18 years to a woman that I was passionately in love with. One day she was on my computer instead of her own and found some bisexual porn. She didnt say a word to me about it but 6 days later I came home to a note that said basically 'you have gay porn on your computer so you must be gay. I am outta here'.

I'm sorry that happened to you -- it's awful -- but could it be possible that she was looking for an excuse to get out of the marriage and is blaming your sexuality for it? Most people who are happy in their marriage would fight harder for it than she did, even if they catch a partner cheating. In your case, if liking porn sex different than what your wife likes was a marriage breaker, how many men would be married?

[ninetythree]

My wife and I are in our mid-40s and have been together 20 years. I told her last month that I'm bisexual, an urge I've never acted on but have grown to realize about myself over the course of our relationship. She didn't catch me on the computer or in anything else. I just decided I should stop acting as if this was shameful and tell her.

She was amazingly tolerant of it, and has been excited to explore this side of my personality in bed. She's a bit freaked out that it will mean at some point I don't want her, but I told her I've been this way for 20 years. The only thing that has changed is that I told her (and myself) it was real.

I expect there are still some hurdles ahead, especially if I ever decide with her knowledge to do anything on the side. But telling her and being accepted has given me a profound sense of ease.

To those of you who are secretly bisexual and have never cheated on your spouse, I think you should strongly consider telling them. You might be underestimating them. I assumed my wife -- who is straight -- would find gay porn unappealing or even gross. She thinks it's hot.

[luv2play8899]

Interesting how judgmental people get when others don't live the way they feel is 'correct'.

Fact is, telling any spouse information such as this requires a great deal of thought and understanding of their spouses needs and desires. If your spouse has strong anti bi/gay feelings and you know this from much heart to heart loving communication with them, one may wish to keep ones desires to themselves perhaps. Sometimes it just isnt worth it. For others it may be.
Its real easy to say 'should have told them to begin with' etc etc but unless you walk in another's shoes and know exactly what path their life has taken you have no right to judge. Not everyone starts life the same. There are all different paths.

[nightjack]

I guess I fall into the category "Married & secretly bi". The fact is that although I have had experiments with guys in the past, nothing has really come of it. My wife does not know of my bisexual feelings - as far as I can tell. I cartainly haven't said as much to her, but on occasions when we discuss sexuality, I get the feeling that she may be laying the path open for me to admit my curiosity. I just haven't had the nerve to admit it to her yet as the risk of losing her is too much.

[italian sausage]

Married and secretly bi here. Was easier when she was on the road all the time but now it's a bit harder. but still manage to enjoy my friend when we can get together. Since he owns his own business, it's easier to go there after he closes up and spend time together. So far, we haven't been caught.

[NjbiGuy01]

I came out to the wife after we were married. I told her I had played with men and couples since HS and close to the time we met. Shes somewhat uptight and conservative and it took some toll on us. She eventually began to be more open to using toys on us, and trying to accommodate my needs, although does not want anyone to join us. She accepts that I think of myself as bi.

She feels (and I let her) that the toys will keep me from straying. Honestly, I still like to play on the side. I prefer a MF couple and threesomes, more than man on man. I feel more comfortable with a woman involved, and enjoy pleasing both as they please one another. While I feel this is safer as far as disease and discretion etc, unfortunately there can also be drama when things don't work out as planned. I'm reconsidering looking for a male for something steady again, as finding couples is difficult. Finding couples that can handle this (in some cases) is even more difficult.

I keep things on the DL, and it seems to be going okay. I have to admit, the stress of managing my cover stories and so forth can be stressful sometimes.

[wildnorthman]

I am married and I love my wife more than anything. She knew before we married that I was bisexual. I told her that from time to time I needed the company of a man, but I have never done anything due to our life circumstances that left us without a lot of things people take for granted, still, I get urges to fill every now and again. She is very understanding and is bi herself and before she married me, she had a long time GF who was also her lover. I have walked along the razor's edge all my life and I realize that the best choice all along was to be true to myself, but I was reluctant to do so due to the redneck town I live in and the lack of money to travel to see other men and the damn guilt I feel creeping down my neck when I finally get what I think is enough courage to find a guy to sleep with.
But life is meant to be lived, right? I was honest with my first wife about my sexuality and she used against me and in a small town, that ain't too cool! So after some time with wife number two, I am going to do the things I need to do to be me, and I am sure I will be happier and maybe we both will be in the long run.

[ivanthemonkey]

Your issue with your wife has less to do with your bisexuality and more to do with "YOUR SECRET EMAIL ACCOUNT", being secretly bisexual is in reality no different then being secretly having an affair with your secretary.

What you need is some honesty with your wife.

Although, how did she get your password? If you are going to have secrets then try keeping them secret a bit better then that or she will divorce you for being a fool if anything else

[brnrd96]

I am in the same boat as "skuz69" and "joxbear69". I have been more bi curious in recient years. My wife has lost interest in sex and I would loose everythingif she knew. I have not acted on my curiosity yet, online post and chatrooms only. I have no intention of telling her.

[chad2012]

Im a female of 40, my husband is 30 and we have been maried for 4 months now.. when I first met him,(4 years ago )I was told he was gay.. we were best friends for a year and then something happened.. our relationship went from friends to lovers.. I found out, he was not gay, just bi.. I had no problem with that or him being gay.. I am bi, but never took the chance to persue any women at the time..( I had in the past, but not for awhile)
we have been together as a couple for 4 years and we both do as we please with whom we please the only thing we will not do it be with the oppasite sex.
with both of us, we were both married several years befor.(we didn't know each other at the time) our spouses knew,(we were bi) but when they found out we refused to be with the oppasite sex(group sex) they left us.. I feel god brought us together.. two of a kind and loving what we do...
I think in today's world unless you have an open mind and are wiling to experimaent with the same sex, you haven't a clue as to how great a relationship can be.. I don't know about you, but Id much rather loose my man to another man then to another woman!! maybe Im alittle too open minded, but Im feeling great about my relationship!!

wish i could find someone like you my gf doesn't know im bi im scared to tell her i love her but im attracted to men.