Has anything changed? Let me know.

[dowmass]

Hi Friends,

Sometime back, I posted a dilemma that maybe common to others as well. I am 60 years young, a total bottom that has slept with guys only twice - that too in the last 7 years. That said. I am also married, and BI. Sometimes, when I have the urge to be with a top, all I can do is watch some gay porn and jerk off. I live in the Dallas area, and good old days of craigslist, when I posted, I got no less than a dozen quality replies - I cannot believe that so much has changed.

So what is/are my issues?

• I cannot find one Top to be with. Leave aside finding a regular FWB, I cannot find a guy to sleep with even once. I have tried Double list, Silver daddies, and Adam4Adam & Squirt. With Adam4Adam and Squirt, I probably won't find anyone unless I take a paid membership. I cannot put the payment on my Credit card - So Would these sites take a "Pre-paid" card for payment?

As for Double list. Craigslist ( I post under "Activities") and Silver Daddies, I have had nothing but flakes and fakes - some of who have exchanged a dozen emails before ghosting me. The best part of that is is this - They sound so genuine and sincere, are articulate, and write great emails about who they are and what they want, but that ends suddenly when they ghost me. Someone was very condescending when he said that I don't stand a chance because nobody wants a "total Bottom". I can't do much about that either.

• Has anyone found someone on Plenty Fish (POF) or Ashley Madison? Is there another (paid) site I should try?
• Someone suggested that I should try to become a member of a LGBTQ group on Meetup. I cannot use my real name when I become a member - I think they would require this..... am I right about this?
• Do you have any advice? Please do not give me a sermon about "becoming OPENLY BI" or "Telling her", dishonesty, blah, blah, blah. I am not mean, but that would be the end of my 25 plus years of marriage.
  

Thanks for your advice/Suggestions.

[KDaddy23]

I can't say that even if you used a pre-paid card (and you'd probably have to keep money on it for the paid membership to keep renewing) your luck would be any better. These days, the apps tend to suck more than they allow someone to be successful. My protege swears by Grindr so maybe check that one out? I don't know about anyone else who uses this app (and I don't) but he gets very few flakes but everyone's experiences on any app is gonna be different.

The only app I use is A4A... and then I rarely use it since I seem to have more success just running into the "right" guys. Still, I've found that when it comes to using any app, you gotta be patient and willing to weed out the fakes and flakes; you gotta keep letting guys who interest you know that you're interested and just keep at it... and it's not easy to do, wastes time, and other things that few people want to be bothered with. I don't know anything about Meetup but it makes sense that they'd want to know your real name but if ya don't wanna do that, well, I'd say this ain't gonna work for you or anyone else unwilling to reveal their true identity.

None of this is probably all that helpful and I apologize for that... but if you can't really be out and about and able to check out places that guys hang out at and you're relying on the apps, it's a lot of frustrating work and there's nothing to be done for it. These days, it's even more of a crap shoot than I can remember it being and more so when, I think, there are a lot of guys who are trying to be incognito while trying to hang on the DL and for the same reason you are - don't want others to know, the wifey can never know, etc.. Nobody wants a total bottom? How odd! I wonder if that condescending asshole really meant that he didn't want a total bottom? Probably... but that's not helping your cause any. So, again, the best advice I have is to (a) give Grindr a try and (b) just keep at it and try not to get frustrated.

[dowmass]

I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to be so detailed in your reply.
What I thought was odd was this: When Craigslist was around, I got some very detailed replies from folks that were decent, drug free and disease free (same as I am, because they had a girlfriend or a wife who did not know. Once Craigslist took off the "personals" columns, everything changed. I still do not know how Double list is able to operate, whereas Craigslist thought it was risky to keep the "personals" columns. Without question, the response level and quality was far superior to anything I see today.

I think I'll try grindr and see how it goes. I have never been to a gay bar, but people say great and nasty things about them - that they picked up great partners to saying they had weirdos, druggies to other questionable characters they came across. In the end we don't live in a safe, sane world. If it was about going to a gay bar, would you have any advice to offer?

I can't say that even if you used a pre-paid card (and you'd probably have to keep money on it for the paid membership to keep renewing) your luck would be any better. These days, the apps tend to suck more than they allow someone to be successful. My protege swears by Grindr so maybe check that one out? I don't know about anyone else who uses this app (and I don't) but he gets very few flakes but everyone's experiences on any app is gonna be different.

The only app I use is A4A... and then I rarely use it since I seem to have more success just running into the "right" guys. Still, I've found that when it comes to using any app, you gotta be patient and willing to weed out the fakes and flakes; you gotta keep letting guys who interest you know that you're interested and just keep at it... and it's not easy to do, wastes time, and other things that few people want to be bothered with. I don't know anything about Meetup but it makes sense that they'd want to know your real name but if ya don't wanna do that, well, I'd say this ain't gonna work for you or anyone else unwilling to reveal their true identity.

None of this is probably all that helpful and I apologize for that... but if you can't really be out and about and able to check out places that guys hang out at and you're relying on the apps, it's a lot of frustrating work and there's nothing to be done for it. These days, it's even more of a crap shoot than I can remember it being and more so when, I think, there are a lot of guys who are trying to be incognito while trying to hang on the DL and for the same reason you are - don't want others to know, the wifey can never know, etc.. Nobody wants a total bottom? How odd! I wonder if that condescending asshole really meant that he didn't want a total bottom? Probably... but that's not helping your cause any. So, again, the best advice I have is to (a) give Grindr a try and (b) just keep at it and try not to get frustrated.

[KDaddy23]

Yeah, I've heard the gay bar horror stories, too. I've been to some in my life and never seen any of the horror stories and, sometimes, I've sat in one for hours and not gotten anyone's attention other than saying hi to someone. Thing is you can't believe what other people say about it - you gotta find out for yourself. What would I do? I would go to a gay bar and sit, watch, have a drink or two, something to eat if they have it, and if someone wants to sit and talk, fine; if it leads to sex - and I've determined that I'm gonna be safe - fine. If not, that's fine, too. Sometimes, you gotta be seen and no one is ever gonna see you when you're sitting at home. I wouldn't expect anything to happen... but I would be prepared just in case something does happen. In this, it's always a judgement call. Regulars will instantly know that you're not a regular; maybe that will attract some interest, maybe it won't and maybe it won't unless/until you've been seen there on a more regular basis.

Only one way to find out for yourself and, honestly, if the thought of going to a gay bar scares the shit out of you, you have some serious thinking to do about not being so paranoid. There are "weirdos" everywhere; you could be living next door to one and not even know it. You just gotta be unafraid and learn to trust your gut; if a guy doesn't feel right to you, don't do anything - and with the understand that your guy ain't always gonna get it right every single time. Just a question of how... adventurous you are. Many will tell you that this is highly and "dangerously" risky and you should only keep searching for a safer FWB and if you believe that this sentiment is always true, well, I hate to be the one to tell you but it's not always true and more so when you take a high and dangerous risk just getting in your car and going anywhere. Finally, if it's something you really​ want and need to do, you will find a way to do it. I just can't tell you how; I just know what I'd do.

[dowmass]

You are right: I think I should go to a gay bar and see what works. Because I'd have some beer, I probably would take Uber, wait until I have someone that might be interested. It might be awkward unless the top is an assertive guy. It may not happen the first few times, but who knows?

Yeah, I've heard the gay bar horror stories, too. I've been to some in my life and never seen any of the horror stories and, sometimes, I've sat in one for hours and not gotten anyone's attention other than saying hi to someone. Thing is you can't believe what other people say about it - you gotta find out for yourself. What would I do? I would go to a gay bar and sit, watch, have a drink or two, something to eat if they have it, and if someone wants to sit and talk, fine; if it leads to sex - and I've determined that I'm gonna be safe - fine. If not, that's fine, too. Sometimes, you gotta be seen and no one is ever gonna see you when you're sitting at home. I wouldn't expect anything to happen... but I would be prepared just in case something does happen. In this, it's always a judgement call. Regulars will instantly know that you're not a regular; maybe that will attract some interest, maybe it won't and maybe it won't unless/until you've been seen there on a more regular basis.

Only one way to find out for yourself and, honestly, if the thought of going to a gay bar scares the shit out of you, you have some serious thinking to do about not being so paranoid. There are "weirdos" everywhere; you could be living next door to one and not even know it. You just gotta be unafraid and learn to trust your gut; if a guy doesn't feel right to you, don't do anything - and with the understand that your guy ain't always gonna get it right every single time. Just a question of how... adventurous you are. Many will tell you that this is highly and "dangerously" risky and you should only keep searching for a safer FWB and if you believe that this sentiment is always true, well, I hate to be the one to tell you but it's not always true and more so when you take a high and dangerous risk just getting in your car and going anywhere. Finally, if it's something you really​ want and need to do, you will find a way to do it. I just can't tell you how; I just know what I'd do.

[KDaddy23]

You never know. If at first you don't succeed... never give up.

[Christopher South]

Here's my take on it...

First, at our age, choices are a lot less. I prefer guys my age just because we're the same "speed" I don't need a guy who wants a night of sex. One, maybe two, times during a meeting is fine. That means I look for guys my age.

Second, I have found that most guys our age are bottoms, either because (a) they can/have topped women a lot and want to bottom or (b) they have some degree of ED so topping isn't something they can do. As a result, the guys I talk to are overwhelming bottoms.

As for fakes and ghosting, I don't find any more now in Silverdaddies or Doublelist than craigslist. Unfortunately there's enough on all these sites. Sometimes it's the fact that as you get to know someone (and visa versa), you realize that it really isn't a match. At least I have the decency to tell someone I don't think it's a match. And I realize I'm not a match for some guys.