Anon-
I've been out to myself and my wife for about 17 years as a bisexual man. She did not take it really well to begin with, which began a 10 year session of no talking about it... 10 years of living together without talking because it made her uncomfortable. I denied myself for that whole time. Depression, anxiety... not a good scene.
Your snooping is not a good thing. He's secrets are not a good thing either. I did the same after discovery of an affair - and continued to do it. That added a lot of stress to our relationship. No excuse, but also blocks all the potential for trust. Rebuilding trust is a two person job. He will have to allow you to be trustworthy, while you show you can be trusted. In this case, he will also have to show you he can be trusted, and you have to allow him to be trustworthy. It's a lot of work. That said, it's not that you are trusting him to not be into porn, watch porn, post pics of himself, and identify as bi but only to those he is ready to be out to. For good or bad, that now includes you.
His secrets are much more intricate though. If, like me, he has had some shame from society over sexual orientation, then there is a lot to get through. Your reaction to his secret can be tied to a reaction to his orientation, right or wrong, and that can be detrimental. If his first reaction is to ignore his sexuality, say it's not a problem, not a real issue - more than likely that is what he has been doing all along. I belong to the support group Husbands Out to Wives (HOW) and this is a common idea that has been tried and failed. You can suppress these parts of yourself, but they will eventually come back up, often with an explosive result.
You, too, will need some support. The two of you together should check out the various links to support groups on
http://alternatepaths.net/#, Join some online groups to speak with husbands and wives in your same situation. a Mixed Orientation Marriage (Relationship) MOM/MORe can be a good strong relationship if you put in the work.
Breathe.
Work together.
Your young child is going to grow up in a wonderfully accepting society compared to where many of us learned our internal thought processes. What you are doing now, and in the future will also be teaching your daughter about acceptance. No matter what you and he decide, he will always be the father and you will always be the mother. How you treat each other and talk about each other when they are not there will teach her how to engage and treat people. These early lessons remain for a long time!
You may find you two are not sexually compatible. My wife and I work at that all the time. Initially she felt it was incompatible, and yet 17 years later we are still working through things.
Please feel free to discuss as things go on. I can also be directly contacted if you or he feel the need. If you decide to join any of the resources on the site I referenced, we can always talk there with others that are working to maintain long term relationships. There is a wealth of knowledge and understanding available.
Bookmarks