Next step after falling for a guy

[RisingBi]

I have been fantasizing about and praying for for years to meet a guy who I finally have romantic feelings for. But it's just never happened. There was only cocksucking in my life for my first 21 years of gay sex, even though I also fantasized about fucking and even falling in love with a guy. But usually I felt zero chemistry with a guy, even at a physical/sexual level, though I still had oral sex with him. Just 6 times out of over 200 guys did I feel strong sexual passion for a guy. But I certainly never felt any romantic/emotional feelings with any real guys. It was only just in my fantasies.

But after I finally lost my gay virginity, as a top, inserting my cock deep inside another man's ass for the first time, experiencing that kind of intimacy with a guy, did I finally connect in a stronger way with the gay part of myself deeply buried and repressed, despite all the oral sex with guys. I was so happy, and from then on only sought more intimate get togethers with guys in each other's homes, for mutual cocksucking and anal play. And in almost every case I felt strong sexual attraction for the guy I was with. But I still never had any romantic feelings for a guy, whether it was with the guy I was naked with, or certainly never with any guy in the regular, clothed, straight world.

But I got to spend time with a married guy, volunteering together over the last few days at a spiritual convention, spending a lot of time talking with him about everything while we worked, and really enjoying each other's company and conversational topics. But he was married and as far as I know straight, and for spiritual reasons I only play with single guys these days. But yesterday, the last day of the convention, we spent many hours chatting and getting to know each other more. It turns out that he's actually divorced--about a year ago!! He recently moved to a city about an hour from me that happens to be the spiritual centre that I go to, and that he will be going to as well. And we really began developing a friendship yesterday.

We went for supper, which he paid for, and only finally left the restaurant after hours of talking and only until we were both dropdead exhausted from the day and the 5-day convention. As I said, as far as I know he's straight, but I'm also not 100% sure. There seemed to be a vibe between us, some chemistry, at least intellectual, but maybe more. I tell you, when he said that he was divorced, I felt overjoyed deep in my heart. Damn-it, I was attracted to him, physically, and I believe romantically. It was just like a dinner I went on with a platonic female friend back in 2016, a woman who eventually became my girlfriend. The same feelings played inside me during both those events.

And as we parted, he asked whether I was into hanging out more, going on hikes, etc., because he so enjoyed talking with me. I don't know if it's just my own wishful thinking, and my growing feelings for him, but it seemed to me that he was interested in me as more than a platonic friend. Oh my God, do I ever wish that was so. I would so LOVE for this to happen. At the very least I would love to have a FWB. But I just don't know, could gay love finally fall upon me?

I just don't know how to proceed. I guess the same questions come up for me in this potentially romantic/sexual situation as it does for a bi or gay guy feeling sexually attracted to a friend who is straight or seemingly straight. You don't want to risk a friendship by making a move on a guy that is totally straight. And to make matters worse, if it's a guy that you socialize or work with in the regular straight world, the risk is even greater. And in my situation, I also do not want to jeopardize our spiritual relationship, the most important of all. I suppose I can just play it by ear and see how things proceed on our friendship get-togethers, hiking, grabbing a bite to eat, or whatever. But I have zero experience with reading the subtle cues a guy might be giving when he's feeling the exact same fear that you are.

What experiences have guys had with this kind of situation, whether it was sexual only, or romantic? Please share your stories if you have any. I would certainly appreciate any advice that anyone could give. Yes, I'm scared, but part of me is so excited that maybe this is the guy! After breaking up with that aforementioned girlfriend after a very rocky three-year relationship, just before the pandemic hit, all I've been interested in is exploring my gay side in a far deeper way than ever before. But the pandemic curtailed things. I have been suspecting during this pandemic that I might just be more gay than I ever thought. Or maybe that's just my fantasies, especially after such a rough time with a woman (again).

[Neonaught]

I am married to a bi wife who has no objections to me enjoying men. Among my experiences there have been partners that our liasons were all about hot, lusty sex and others that are much deeper with lots of deep kissing and lovingly exploring every inch of each other with our mouths before intercourse begins. We're talking passionate love-making as opposed to mere satisfying sex. Both can be on the menu with either type of guy, it just depends on what you both want. No human has a limited supply of love in them so there's plenty to go around. Why limit ourselves?

I would spend more time with this man and let the relationship grow and when you feel the time is right steer the conversation towards sex without openly propositioning him and gage his reaction. Maybe tell him you are really valuing the time the two of you spend together because of how lonely you have been feeling since the loss of your last relationship. If he expresses a similar sentiment then you'll know the time is right or soon will be, for you to make a pass at him and see what happens. Good luck and don't let your fear rule you!

[RisingBi]

I am married to a bi wife who has no objections to me enjoying men. Among my experiences there have been partners that our liasons were all about hot, lusty sex and others that are much deeper with lots of deep kissing and lovingly exploring every inch of each other with our mouths before intercourse begins. We're talking passionate love-making as opposed to mere satisfying sex. Both can be on the menu with either type of guy, it just depends on what you both want. No human has a limited supply of love in them so there's plenty to go around. Why limit ourselves?

I would spend more time with this man and let the relationship grow and when you feel the time is right steer the conversation towards sex without openly propositioning him and gage his reaction. Maybe tell him you are really valuing the time the two of you spend together because of how lonely you have been feeling since the loss of your last relationship. If he expresses a similar sentiment then you'll know the time is right or soon will be, for you to make a pass at him and see what happens. Good luck and don't let your fear rule you!

Thanks so much, @Neonaught. That's wonderful advice and I'm totally going to do that. That makes perfect sense. Thanks again! You're awesome!

[jjourneyman]

I think you may be over-thinking it. I've had guys get attached to me in the past, but it was usually after having sex. Have had a few stalkers... one guy used to mail me butt plugs, dildos and underwear.

Don't be that guy!

You said something about spending time together at a spiritual convention. You put it out there that you would be interested. Don't obsess. Maybe he's not ready or capable of having a MM relationship.

[RisingBi]

I think you may be over-thinking it. I've had guys get attached to me in the past, but it was usually after having sex. Have had a few stalkers... one guy used to mail me butt plugs, dildos and underwear.

Don't be that guy!

You said something about spending time together at a spiritual convention. You put it out there that you would be interested. Don't obsess. Maybe he's not ready or capable of having a MM relationship.

Thanks for the feedback! I promise, I won't be that guy.

[KDaddy23]

Falling for a guy feels great but sometimes comes with a lot of confusion and beginning with whether or not the guy you're falling for feels the same way. For me, the guy I fell in love with had already fallen for me and once I realized that I was really in love with him, now it was about handling it and learning a whole lot of stuff that, before this happened, I didn't believe was possible. Mine was... easy; yours isn't. I would just hang out with him and see where things go. One of the things I learned is that you can't do anything about the way you feel and I'm telling you this because I'd not want to see you get your hopes up that he'll feel the same way. Don't overthink it - just go with the flow of things. Hang out with him; get to know him and all that. Whatever happens, happens.

[cornholejoe]

i had a married man fall for me one time but i enjoyed time with him but he got jealous ever time he would see me out with a woman finally i had to just break it off with him

[bibliss]

Dear sir, All I can say is, keep going... never give up!

As a bi man, my life is filled with similar longings... I'm so far down the bi rabbit hole that I would never have imagined myself longing for a loving relationship with another man as I do nowadays.

Any man -- gay, straight or bi -- should feel so lucky to have made the kinds of discoveries of deep intimacy that you so beautifully describe.

Such deep intimacy is what we humans are hardwired to share and experience. And these experiences are what living a great life is all about.

[papasmurph]

I think you will know fairly soon on in your relationship with him whether he is a potential love interest or just a guy who likes to hang out and needs a friend. You both need a friend, and you seem happy to know him. Companionship is a good thing. I have often suggested one thing - guard your heart. Talk to yourself and counsel yourself to protect from getting too carried away. If you are a spiritual person, then trust that part of you to guide this, and if it doesn't, that's OK, too.
I like the suggestions the others have made... just go with it. You can't help how you feel. You have a desire for a serious love relationship with a man - it could be him. Don't let the desire for a relationship get ahead of the person himself. He may or may not turn out to be interested... AND, you may come to a place where you see things about him that make you change your mind, too.

I am recovering from a 10-month relationship with a man I thought I might actually move in with and be committed partners. He even asked me to marry him at one point. Here's the thing. We got along great. But there were differences in our core beliefs. He turned out to be quite jealous when I was hanging out with friends, even when he said he didn't want to or couldn't go with me. Things like that. Religious differences. Political differences. Enough things that finally put an end to it. We both missed each other a lot, and we sure did miss the sex (which you have not gotten into yet) which only complicated matters. Will it prevent me from having another serious relationship again? Nope. However, I also learned a lot in those months with him.

[RisingBi]

@KDaddy23: Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts/advice. Fortunately I was not expecting anything and was just approaching it as friends hanging out, which was nice.

@cornholejoe: Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes, I totally get that. You never know what a person you get together with turns out being like. Definitely jealousy is a big one. I'm of course not talking about infidelity: I myself am not into any kind of sex outside the relationship. I think we're both talking about jealousy with platonic relationships and the foundation of unwarranted fear of infidelity. If you can't work on it together and have the other person overcome it, then a breakup is the wisest thing.

@bibliss: Thank you so much for your praise and encouragement. It gives me hope to find the intimacy I'm looking for. I hope all men--all people--find whatever level of intimacy they wish for. Yes, in my weakest moments the craving for deep intimacy is strong. But in general whether I find love with a man or not, I'm okay. Unfortunately I'm not yet in a place where I am okay with not having any sexual intimacy with a man. I crave it every day, perhaps especially because I don't find it enough. I haven't yet realized that true happiness can't come from outside my own mind.

@papasmurph: You too have made wonderful suggestions and given good advice. Thank you so much. I truly agree with you all: do not get my hopes too high and just see how it goes. Friendship most of all! And as a spiritual person, I know the other person and their wishes are far more important than my own, and ultimately I'm here for only others. I am so sorry about the failure of your own relationship, papasmurph. I don't believe you can really get beyond core beliefs, and when they're incompatible, ultimately it will not be a successful and satisfactory relationship. I'm glad that you are still open to having a serious relationship with a man, and that you learned from this one to make a future one perhaps have a better result. My prayers are with you to complete your mourning process and be happy again.

FINAL OUTCOME: As it turned out, it looks like my friend is straight, at least on the surface. We unfortunately did not have the opportunity to see otherwise, because his life circumstances changed and it required him to move away to a city 6 hours away by car, and perhaps 1000s of miles away sometime down the road to fulfil his deepest life goals.

But I enjoyed our brief friendship, and still have it virtually. But I am most glad of having had the opportunity to realize that I'm fully capable of falling in love with a man, and that the gay side of myself is not just about sex, and certainly not just about cock and ass.