By Shameless
It was steamy. Truly hot. And in the morning, when the three of us awoke at last, we hugged each other closer, further entangling sticky brown arms and legs in greater degrees of warmth and wetness. Mmmm. So good. And what’s awesome is that when, later on, we fell out the door to catch some brunch, there was no drama. No discomfort. No weirdness about who loves who more, or less, or who feels left out. Not that that stuff is bad—it’s sometimes necessary. But how sweet when we can enjoy each other and not have to deal with angst-ridden aftermath!
Ryad is my partner of seven years. We’ve been polyamourous to varying degrees throughout that whole period, and getting increasingly good at it. When we started, of course, there were a lot of fights and fears, terrain that we navigated by practicing the art of really listening and owning our individual shit. Arguments that used to take three days now take half an hour, and then whichever lover is staying home knows that they’re still loved by the other, who may be on their way to getting some other lovin’ for the evening.
Kevin is a relatively new friend and lover for both of us. Buff and beautiful, Kevin is a trans dude who has got to be one of the hottest gentlemen I’ve ever laid eyes on. When the three of us started planning play dates together, I could barely contain my glee. And I have not been disappointed.
Many bisexual and pansexual folks are already familiar with the yummy dimensions that the world of polyamory, sometimes called ‘non-monogamy’, can offer. For others, it is an entirely new and tantalizing concept. The word ‘polyamory’ comes from Greek: “poly”= “many” and “amour” = “loves”. In Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt’s much-referenced book on the subject, The Ethical Slut, the authors suggest that the word has been used to refer to a spectrum of relationship and sexual styles. It has been used to refer to any sexual activity that does not fit into typical definitions of monogamy; it can also refer to diverse types of committed love relationships that include more than two people.
For Ryad and I, what ‘polyamory’ means has changed over the years. When we got started, we’d first play sexually with other people only at play parties. At these events, one was likely to encounter someone who, in everyday life, was a friend. Within the container of the party, that relationship would expand—often just for that night. As the play party community developed, these relationships developed as well, and both myself and Ryad began to have ‘play dates’ with folks who lay somewhere along the continuum of friends and lovers. Sometimes these would be one-time events, and other times they’d be a series of sleepover dates that happened every few weeks. Sometimes Ryad would be with me, as in the case of our play dates with Kevin. Other times I’d play with a new lover on my own.
Lately, our relationship has changed again. I was recently stopped in my tracks by a hot butch babe, herself married and poly, and we’ve been nurturing somethin’ special ever since. We’re committed to seeing each other a couple of times a month, and there’s a level of emotional intimacy there that I hadn’t had with more casual connections.
Poly linguists might refer to Ryad as being my ‘primary partner’, and Tania as being my ‘secondary’. Others reject such hierarchical terminology, and avoid words that emphasize the different degrees of connection in their relationships. But the way I see it, it all comes down to time and energy. Some poly people may give equal time and energy to all their partners or lovers, thus not needing to refer to any as more ‘primary’ than any other. Others, like myself, have one relationship that is more central to their life—one that takes up more time and energy. I call this my primary relationship. Additional relationships are cherished but have less time and energy put into them.
Bisexuality and pansexuality involve a spectrum of attraction. Bi or pansexual people are attracted to people of more than one gender. It seems that the willingness and desire to be with more types of people often translates into a desire to be with more people generally, as many folks who identify as bisexual or pansexual are also poly. This may reflect peoples’ high level of comfort with their sexuality: they are open enough to explore sex with lovers of more than one gender, and open enough to explore more than one relationship style. Undoubtedly, the effects of such openness can be sumptuous…
Of course, it’s not all fun and games. Jealousy is, for many, the biggest challenge in poly living—one that can heal as well as harm. In Love Without Limits, Deborah Anapol writes, “Let jealousy be your teacher. Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. [It] can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and the whole world if you let it”. One way that I believe that jealousy can teach us is if we look at the feelings that come with it—one of which is often fear. To be able to confront our own fear, to look it in the face, can help us feel stronger in our everyday lives. (Warning: only try this with support from others, and ideally with support from the partner about whom you feel jealous!)
In bi- and pansexual relationships, jealousy can get configured in specific ways. For example, an acquaintance of mine who is bi and poly feels very jealous when her bio-male partner gets with a woman, but is completely comfortable when he sleeps with another man. One possibility is that on some level, she considers ‘real’ relationships to be those between a man and a woman, thus unconsciously negating the seriousness of his partner’s secondary relationship. This is internalized homophobia which, once highlighted, can be dealt with. Alternately, it might be that when her partner gets with another woman, it hits closer to home, more directly raising the common fear that she will be replaced by the new love. Of course, it is just as likely that she could be replaced by her partner’s male lover as his female one!
Often, a partner’s jealousy has nothing to do with the other lover’s gender. Ryad is equally jealous of Tania as he has been of my male lovers! His security has grown through his willingness to ‘own’ his jealousy, rather than getting angry at me and trying to change my behaviour.
Truth be told, however, such security can only come about when one is clear about one’s own needs and boundaries, and when one’s partners or lovers are willing to negotiate. In order to avoid constant anxiety, I find, it’s good to develop the skills of tuning into what one wants, and of asking for it from one’s partner. This may involve asking oneself potentially difficult questions, like: “How do I feel about so and so sleeping with so and so three times in two weeks?”, “How do I feel that they’re going out with so and so on Friday night when that used to be our night to chill out together?”. Such questions can then help develop things that we can ask our partner or lover for, like “How would you feel about getting with so and so for 4 hours instead of 6 on Sunday, so that we can have time to do x?” and “Can we have a date this week—one that doesn’t get filled up with doing household stuff like laundry or grocery shopping?”. Getting clear can help us see what we’re just plain uncomfortable with, so we can set boundaries like “Be done your business and have your clothes on before I come home”, or “Not in our bed”, or “You don’t get to go on your second date and leave me with the kids if I haven’t had any downtime this week”.
It’s funny—at times I’ve felt very petty asking to have very reasonable needs met. When I talk about ‘getting clear’, I don’t want to suggest that this is an easy process. For ages, I couldn’t get clear because I didn’t think I had the right to ask for what I wanted. I couldn’t say “Please do come home at 10:30 since that’s the time we’ve agreed upon”, or “Can you and Rajit move your date to Thursday so that we can spend some time on Friday?” I probably don’t need to tell you how gendered that guilt was. Women are not invited to feel like we deserve what we want. If we ask for what we want, we’re often told we’re being petty and selfish. Well, fuck it. These are not petty things. These are bona fide, important signifiers of the love and respect that is in a relationship. And though it might feel like a pain in the neck to one’s partner, responding to a partner’s needs, wants or desires can ultimately mean that everyone feels a whole lot easier in their minds about how everyone else is feeling. Then you can just go out and play and know where you stand.
(c) Copryight 2005 Shameless
Shameless is a fabulously frolicksome femme who has a penchant for polyamory and political organizing. She's been actively building sex-positive, anti-oppressive community for a number of years, and hopes to continue bringing abundance and healing to herself and the planet through writing, singing and listening.
