For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

While I certainly understand your view, FF, I hope you can at least try and see things from this lady's perspective at this very turbulent point in her life. Judgmental yes....Indecent, perhaps...but she is scared and lost right now and her lashing out, however misdirected, is just a direct result of her grasping at straws to somehow make some sense of a life altering event that has turned her world upside down. I certainly don't agree with her viewpoint and I strongly disagree with the manner in which she is conveying her feelings, but in many ways I understand her fears and her anger. Those feelings seem to have been exacerbated by a couple of posts in this thread where blatant sexual comments have shown no regard to the feelings of the S/O and I am hoping that her post is merely a knee jerk reaction to some very gut wrenching fears.

BUT...that being said, this is NOT "the reality of one of you being bi and one straight" as she so strongly proclaims. A married couple can very well survive this situation but it takes a great deal of work, an endless amount of communication and honesty and most importantly, an open mind and a great deal of willingness on the part of BOTH parties to make it work (not to mention a vivid imagination! LOL!) From what she has shared with us and without hearing from her bisexual spouse, I can truly say that they have a very long way to go before EVER finding a mutually satisfying way to make this marriage work. And once again, I must say that I find her attacks on the entire bisexual community grossly unfair and unwarranted.

Hugs,
Kate

Sorry Kate,

There is no excuse for lashing out at others in the manner that I have witnessed here. Pain is a part of life. Generally speaking, pain is a way of showing us where our shadow areas are, and is natures way of showing us that we have some work to do, inside and outside, in order to come back into harmony with the Universe.

Lashing out at others not only creates bad karma, it doesn't really help the person who is acting out. I suggest that the first step in most any traumatic experience is the step of acceptance. Most of the time in our lives, we resist the changes that are thrust upon us against our will.

The prevailing attitude I sense here is one of looking for a scapegoat. (Sorry, I've been the victim of witch hunts before and it is my personal challenge to learn to have compassion for those who would create pain in others as a coping strategy for their own pain.)

Never the less.

I stand by my statements.

She can have all the help that she needs, but I will not tolerate the mindless noise of her insensitivity to others in the process of her dealing with her own pain, challenges, or shifts in her personal world.

We must all be responsible for our own pain, and the ripple effect that the expression of our pain causes in the rest of our communities. The act of being an adult is to recognize this and act in a manner which shows dignity, and respect for those who would seek to assist. Anything less is the rantings of a selfish child.

I'm sorry if this appears harsh, but my level of harshness is generally equivalent to the level of unacceptability of any given behavior.


What is really going on here, is the destruction of a value set which was based on external validation. Without the external validation of her husbands love and affection, she is naturally left without a firm foundation for her "place in her world." The single most effective thing I can offer to her is to attempt to make her understand that she is her own person, and that she must love herself FIRST, before she can hope to experience or understand the love of another. If she can love herself, then she will have a sufficient measure of understanding that although she can love another, she cannot control them. Although she can build a life with another, her own life and her love of herself MUST BE a part of that equation. It is possible that her indignation and feelings of betrayal and outrage stem from this burgeoning self protective emotional state, but there are ways to express that, and ways NOT to express that.

Peace.

FF

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Originally Posted by FerociousFeline

The prevailing attitude I sense here is one of looking for a scapegoat. (Sorry, I've been the victim of witch hunts before and it is my personal challenge to learn to have compassion for those who would create pain in others as a coping strategy for their own pain.) FF

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FF,
I have never asked you to forgive her rantings nor have I asked you to excuse them. As you see in my posts, I feel the same way and I have said over and over that her anger is misguided and her tone is very judgmental. I merely asked that perhaps you do as you say above....have a bit of compassion for someone who has used this "lashing out" as a coping mechanism for the extreme pain that she may be in right now. Unless you have been in her position, unless you have had your entire world pulled from underneath you and had your perceived reality shattered, how can you possibly judge her in return? This is someone who is obviously in a great deal of pain and it has nothing to do with learning to be her own person at this point. Right now she has absolutely no idea who she is nor does she have any idea who she has been for how ever many years they have been married. Before she got so nasty, she said how alone she felt, how scared she was and how empty she felt. Can you not muster up a modicum of compassion for her present state of mind??? Can you not overlook her words just a bit and recognize a fellow human being who is so obviously in pain? Right now her reality is that she has lost the man she loves because he says he is bisexual and expects her to accept it or "move on" and in her skewed sense of the situation, she has chosen to blame bisexuality, however wrong and misdirected it may be. NO...her pain does NOT excuse her narrow minded view of bisexuality nor does it justify her claim that bisexuals haven't a "shred of decency"...but it may very well explain her lack of thought behind her ill chosen words and her obvious neglect to consider the real life people behind the lifestyle she is so wrongly condemning.

I guess I see this situation a bit differently because I can put myself in her shoes....I'm not going to rehash my life but as you well know I spent many years struggling with very similar fears and frustrations and I am ashamed to admit that at times, I wanted to "blame" others for my husband's bisexuality. BUT...given time and the proper exposure and education, I have learned differently. "Straight Wife" may very well be a lost cause and her preconceived ideas may bar her from opening up her mind. I guess I just hope that we can allow a few missteps along the way to guide others with similar struggles and at least offer a bit of human compassion and understanding. I am so very thankful that no one gave up on me along the way and that some very loving and caring people took the time to help me when I so desperately needed it. Believe me... I am not trying to change your view...it's just how I feel and I simply wanted to explain myself.

Hugs,
Kate

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Originally Posted by csrakate

FF,
Unless you have been in her position, unless you have had your entire world pulled from underneath you and had your perceived reality shattered, how can you possibly judge her in return? Can you not muster up a modicum of compassion for her present state of mind??? Can you not overlook her words just a bit and recognize a fellow human being who is so obviously in pain?

Hugs,
Kate

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How soon we forget eh? Amazing.
No Kate, as you well know I'm a vicious and insensitive animal.

<rolling eyes>

I'm out.

I wish to apologize to anyone who may read my words and possibly interpret them as hurtful and insensitive. That was never my intention. All I wanted to do was to possibly present the "other" side and perhaps speak for the countless other spouses of bisexuals like myself who have faced similar fears and frustrations. I guess I thought that presenting this view might enlighten those of you who face this very same situation and perhaps help you to understand what your spouse may feel and experience upon discovering your sexuality. The emotions they may express upon discovery are raw and very reactionary and sometimes can come across as judgmental and angry. While I don't condone "Straight Wife's" words or her views, I simply had hoped to convey where they may be coming from. I am so very sorry if I have offended anyone and I assure you that it was never my intention to do so. This site has always made me feel that it welcomed anyone who supported bisexuality, regardless of orientation but in the almost three years that I have been chatting here, I have also seen a great many spouses who come here seeking guidance and support in the midst of some very confusing times. I simply wanted to make sure that those that come here in the future can be assured that this is a caring and supportive community and that their issues, however unfounded, will not be ridiculed or dismissed.

Once again, my apologies and with that...I AM DONE!

Kate

This will be my last visit here. You seem to have missed one very important point. I don't fear that my future ex can still love me. I just know that I am no longer in love with him. Part of it for me is the honesty issue. He hid something from me for decades. That in and of itself causes me to doubt everything that our marriage is about. Nothing is real anymore and everything that I thought that I had is now gone. I just don't feel it anymore.

You are right about one thing though, I should not blame all bisexuals for the behavior of one individual. However; you all do not seem to give a flying fuck about what your spouses are being forced into going through. If that person is still with you, then you have over time changed their beliefs on what is right and wrong. This just isn't something that I can do. How am I supposed to make love to someone if every time he touches me I want to vomit? Last time you have to hear from me I promise.

Coming to terms with my bisexuality was a big step, but telling my partner was even harder, as I didn't know till after we were married. People can as "Why didn't you know before you were married?". I have no answer for that, I have always had urges, chalking it up to curiousity. I didn't act on them really till after I was married. Just started craving sex with men, and finally did something about it.

Well kick my ass and call me a fool for trying!! Sigh....what a complete turnaround from your previous post!!! I still contend that people here DO care and they most assuredly give a "flying fuck" about their spouses!

And now I am REALLY done! LOL!

Hugs,
Kate

FF, you need to be a lot less judgmental towards this woman. Just because you have bought into some ideology does NOT give you the right to act that way towards others who are going through real life crises.

Straight-Wife: I may not like what she has to say, but it is spoken from a woman who is in extreme turmoil right now. Maybe her spouse did a piss poor job of introducing this lifestyle. How many women here can honestly say that a rough approach wouldn't have ruined the idea for them? There are a few words in her rambling that caught my eye. The first is that she is being FORCED into this. No one should ever be forced into any kind of sexual anything. This totally screws up the mojo and can seriously hamper any enjoyment. Not to mention leaving scars that will last a lifetime. So I guess the real question is: Are you really being forced into behavior that you find unacceptable?

Before anyone starts to harshly judge, let me ask a question for the others on this forum. Would you be able to live a "straight" life that was being forced upon you by the person you love?

Just my :2cents:

The other thing that caught my eye:

She also said that she felt like she was going to vomit when he touches her. No offense to anyone, but if she really feels forced into these encounters, then it is a rape. Can you blame someone for being sick at the idea of being raped?

I couldn't just not say anything. You see I was raped when I was 18. Those words jumped out at me because, despite being married, this woman sounds like she was taken into something against her will.

You want to know why I am so bitter, I will tell you. I have been married for 15 years and I walked in on my husband being fucked in the ass. He said this is his life and I can either join in or leave. I chose to leave. I came here in the hopes of seeing that you can be bisexual and not be a lying, cheating bastard like him.
What I was trying to point out is that there seems to be this idea that I should have to change my sexual orientation so that I can be what he wants me to be. I just can't do that. I can not change the fact that I am straight anymore than any of you can change the fact that you are bisexual. To ask anyone to do so is to show that you don't really love or respect them as a person.

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Originally Posted by straight_wife

You want to know why I am so bitter, I will tell you. I have been married for 15 years and I walked in on my husband being fucked in the ass. He said this is his life and I can either join in or leave. I chose to leave. I came here in the hopes of seeing that you can be bisexual and not be a lying, cheating bastard like him.
What I was trying to point out is that there seems to be this idea that I should have to change my sexual orientation so that I can be what he wants me to be. I just can't do that. I can not change the fact that I am straight anymore than any of you can change the fact that you are bisexual. To ask anyone to do so is to show that you don't really love or respect them as a person.

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straight_wife-Here's a website that will be helpful to you.

www.straightspouse.org/

It is a support group for women whose husbands have came out as bi/gay.

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Originally Posted by straight_wife

However; you all do not seem to give a flying fuck about what your spouses are being forced into going through.

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that is incredibly harsh and wrong to say. yeah, a straight spouse might feel forced into a situation where they are with someone who is bisexual, but can it not go the other way around? A bisexual can't help the fact that they are attracted to the same sex anymore than a straight person can't help that they are attracted to the opposite and this has nothing to do with not caring about your spouse. It could easily be said that a straight spouse doesn't give a flying fuck about their bisexual spouse because they refuse to have any kind of understanding how they feel either. They could feel that they are forced to either magically become straight or get a divorce. Not fair for anyone in cases like that.

Now, in your case, the way that your husband presented the situation to you is horrible. He should never have cheated on you and he should never have made you make a choice. Now THAT is not giving a flying fuck. If you are uncomfortable with him being bisexual and the idea of him ever being attracted to a man disgusts you to the point where you no longer love him, than that is your choice. Those are your feelings that you can't help anymore than he can help being bi. Perhaps if he had come to you long ago about all of this instead of doing things behind your back, you would feel a lot less betrayed. I think it is perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you do, and quite normal as well. Any form of sneakiness makes people feel worse about something. Honesty is always the best option when it comes to relationships and people's feelings and lives.

Well said Rissa

Wow... I saw the header and thought, "What a great title. I should check this out." Was I in for a ride??? Let me start by saying that the article is very well written and extremely well presented. The ability to summarize your points about such a topic, without becoming a novelist, is an art. Kudos!!!

The article is great for someone like myself. I'm married and in the closet. My situation works like this. I became a born-again christian (radical bible-thumper style) when I was 14. From that point on, I was taught that anything non-hetero was wrong. I started dating my wife when we were 16. We married at 19. I lost my faith around 26 and started searching my soul for answers. About a year or two later is when I started enjoying homo-erotica as much as hetero-erotica. I have come to fully appreciate that pleasure is pleasure. Happiness is happiness. Quality of life is not dependant on what sex you choose to fantasize about. It's about being happy with your self and what you have accomplished in life.

Over the last few years, I've tried to open up to my wife. She doesn't want to accept it. The last time we had a discussion about it, she said that if I ever actually came out and told her I was gay, she'd ... (her description sounded very much like Straight_Wife). When I said that guys can be bisexual, she laughed and said that it wasn't going to work as she knew I was just pulling her leg. Immediately after that incident, things changed in the bedroom though. I look at Holybane's comments and completely relate.

The reason I'm here is not to hook up or to explore my fantasies. I'm here to find like-minded individuals who will walk with me down life's path. A post like this is cool, but I love reading the comments. Seeing Straight_wife's and csrakate's comments give me two perspectives on how my wife could react if I seriously told her of my feelings. I have no intentions of partaking in any extra-marital activities, but it doesn't stop me from fantasizing. It doesn't stop me from getting that feeling of excitement when I see Matt Damon on TV. (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!)

I like what Long Duck Dong had to say about us being much more than just "sex machines". It's true. As an amateur writer, I often pen my fantasies and then toss them into the "Private" file, rarely to be seen again. If I can comment on one thing LDD (and please don't take this as anything more than my amused comments), if you wish to be recognized for more than just a sexual being, you may wish to reconsider your tag line that reads... "Best thing about being bi ???....If I can't make up my mind how i want it.........you can do it to me any way you want until i do make up my mind" LOL

While we may agree or disagree with the topics or the comments expressed, it simply shows the wide variety of personalities here. We are doctors, musicians, and factory workers. We are college graduates and high school drop-outs. We are everyone in one small forum. I love reading both the topic and the comments.

With all that said, let me pose my question... I've described my situation above. Why should I bother to come out when I have no intentions of entertaining more than just simple fantasies in my head??? I doubt that the opportunity will arise for her to catch me masturbating to porn of any kind. Am I being deceitful by not admitting that feeling I get for Matt Damon??? (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!) What are the benefits to coming out when you know it will only cause more problems???

Straightwife, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. A couple of years ago, my friend's relationship with his girlfriend ended not because she was bisexual, but because she was cheating on him. For a marriage of 15 years to end in that way is a horrible, and I hope you find someone right for you that you can trust and who can be open with you.

I told my boyfriend that I was bisexual within the first couple of weeks that we were dating. He was interested, but not upset in any way. Neither of us has a problem with jealousy, so the openness is very refreshing. The only thing I can add to this article is to tell your partner as soon as possible. If they are uncomfortable, they can end it without having put so much of themselves into a relationship. If they are comfortable, then you know that you have started a relationship with trust and honesty.

One more point that I think everyone on the forum will agree with: being bisexual gay does not give license to cheat on your straight partner.

I made the mistake of reading this article from the bottom up and, as a prude, I really would've benefitted from reading it the right way. (Who knew one would ever need to clairfy that?)

It's encouraing!

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Originally Posted by Drew

By Anonymous

You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100&#37; sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further.

(c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous

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So, basically, it's the heavy "I need some space" clause? I can't envision many relationships enduring that. Or is that endurace a matter of maturity of the people involved?

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Originally Posted by Rocsteady

I really enjoyed the article and I agree on many if not all of the points it raised. I am currently single and it can be difficult to find acceptance with people I date. At some point during the date, the question of sex comes up and I let it be known that I am bisexual. It can be difficult but, I am more comfortable being honest from the start. (I have watched alot of fine booty walk away) :banghead: At the end of the day I know it is for the best. This site has been really supportive and a great outlet for thoughts, ideas, and discussion. I am hoping to physically meet someone but I am being patient. :flag3:

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I just want say i feel your fustration and pain. I've tried thru to marriages to be open about my sexuality...but both times it was better to keep it hiden! I decided after my last marriage failed I would no ;onger keep myself hidden in a closet...well this has been very hard! When a man hears that you are Bi...he automatically thinks 3sums and then demand me to make them a part! Quick fast turn offs! But I just want you to know that there are the ones who understand and will except you for you and will help you to explore both sides. The reason I know this is because I've found one and he helps me in many ways. He encourages me to fulfill my needs and desires.He also reasures me that he doesn't have to be part of (physically) my extra fun! As long as He knows about it and I share with him what happened! He wants what makes me happy!

just wanted to say whomever wrote this.. *pat pat* good job! <3

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Originally Posted by csrakate

I am so very sorry that your time here was under duress and not of your choosing, but for you to leave under the assumption that there is no decency among bisexuals is grossly unfair. I understand how you feel....I know your pain and I acknowledge your fears. I've been there, done that because I am also the wife of a bisexual man. But being here has been a very different experience for me and I am sorry that you don't choose to stick around and find out for yourself. This has been a very open and understanding community that has been more than welcoming as well as supportive of my feelings. I have learned so much from these folks that I am forever indebted to them for what they have taught me.

If there is one thing that I have learned since chatting here it's that my husband's sexual attraction to the same sex has absolutely NOTHING to do with his feelings and/or attraction to me. I have also learned that bisexuals are fully capable of loving ONE person at a time and can be monogamous. There is no way to get through an experience such as yours without total and complete honesty between the two of you and right now you are too hurt and too full of shock to listen to him much less understand where he is coming from. You need time to absorb what you have learned and you need time to heal a bit. I am sorry that you are left feeling so lost and alone...but please..try not to blame all bisexuals for your experience. To judge others as a result is simply not fair. I have no idea how your husband presented this information to you nor do I know what his expectations might be, but if your husband gave you an ultimatum, then perhaps your beef should be with HIM and not the bisexual community as a whole.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you may someday find the peace that you so desperately need right now! If nothing else, please know that you are not alone and that there are many of us who frequent this site and can give you any guidance that you may desire.

Hugs,
Kate

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Kate,
I am brand new to the site and was drawn to your post. My friend and I have been exclusive to each other for many years. He told me of his experiences of many years ago and wanted to explore them again with me. I went through an array of emotions to say the least. He had made a choice and now it was up to me to make mine. He is an amazing man, there are so many more things worse than bi. It has been difficult and I think we both struggle at times. The hard part for me is that I feel inadequate, jealous and insecure at times. He has always been honest with me and answers my questions, if that ever becomes a problem then I will have have another choice. I think that is part of what life is all about...choice...chance...consequence. I feel for Straight Wife, she has a difficult road ahead. You seem to have a lot of experience, I appriciate your perspective and attitude.

wow
this thread really had my fixed attention
i am non judgemental of any posts
I am sending warm wishes to crskate for being so compassionate - your attempts to welcome in Straight Wife is what an online community is all about

reading straight wifes exp walking in on her husband sounds very distressing if its a blast from nowhere

bottom line for me is you can change and accomodate a relationship to accept sexual differences but in some ways if a non-bi person is suddenly placed in a position where their partner wants both genders
it could a big area of intimacy they dont share and that is difficult to manage, expecially if they had very close sexual relationship
the idea of trust, self esteem, validity in your sexuality may be threatened
your sexual desire may be confused or lost as you may not get any arousal from their bisexual activities

also straight wifes experience is not just about bisexuality, she signed to a monogamous relationship and it sounds like her husband has been having an open relationship, he has been cheating on her and when she finds out he threatens with deal with it

she hasnt been given time to think, was he even using contraception??

theres alot of things to consider, even though im bi if a partner was cheating on me i would be very shocked and dissapointed

straight wife i am wishing you well, please dont think you are hunted from here, come back if you think we can support you in anyway

bisexuality is so individual and yes, there is a high level of sexual content to some posts, but we are also trying to support everyone bi or not

cat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In a perfect world, the “closet” wouldn't even exist because everyone's sexual orientation would be casually out in the open, upfront and universally accepted. The reality, of course, is still miles away from this ideal.

Although media visibility has introduced us to the concept of “gaydar” and a collective idea of what traits trigger it, you really CAN’T tell if someone is straight, gay, or bi just by looking at them, (rainbow badges and “I’m Here, I’m Queer” t-shirts aside). This has made it easy for people to lie outright about their sexuality, or just quietly pass as the default “straight” — as long as nobody suggests otherwise.

The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.

Because, unlike skin colour or gender, sexual orientation is neither physically apparent nor present immediately at birth, even people who will look upon racists with disgust can still justify other forms of bigotry by convincing themselves that sexuality is a choice, or that it was an acquired perversion due to something that happened to the person.

Throughout history and even today, those who fear persecution or are subject to persistent questioning of their sexual orientation, have resorted to more elaborate charades in the attempt to prove to others that they are straight. Sham relationships and marriages and having children with a person they aren’t really attracted to, these actions help build the elaborate façade they feel is needed to mask their same-sex attraction.
For gay people who would choose a real relationship rather than live a charade, disclosure is then required—at the very least, they’ve got to be “out” to each other. Whichever way they go, a relationship means a forced decision — pretend or disclose?

For a bisexual person to enter a relationship with a straight person, however, neither pretending nor disclosure is necessary, leaving the question unasked and therefore unanswered. Whether or not you choose to disclose your bisexuality openly is a very personal matter, and cannot fairly be subject to the judgment of those who aren’t aware of your specific circumstances. However, when it comes to the subject of disclosure to someone with whom you’ve entered (or hope to build) a serious relationship, being upfront about your bisexuality is crucial, for the short- and long-term benefit of both of you.

(Hear that? That’s the sound of all those alarm bells going off, joyfully ringing out “THREESOMES!” in the minds of many readers out there Keep those pants on (for just a sec longer, though—sex should be about fun and fantasies) —here’s how to walk so you can run to your heart’s content later on…you’ll trip if you start with your pants down to your ankles)

It can be a difficult and confusing road for both partners in a relationship where one has taken the big step and revealed their bisexual inclinations to the other. Working together and communicating openly is crucial at every stage of this process, and don’t rush ahead until both sides know they’ve been heard. If one of you is struggling or reluctant, this will hopefully provide a framework for navigating the subject in the most helpful way.

Step 1: Congratulations, You’re Out!

Yes, feel free to celebrate even at this early moment of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. Regardless of whether you proudly came clean to a new partner as you began to get serious, or if you were disastrously yanked out of the closet when your spouse of 20 years caught you masturbating to gay porn, you’ve taken a big step out in the open, and can breathe a little more easily now that the hiding is over.

Whether you’ve just come out to your lover, or your lover’s just come out to you, there are going to be a lot of questions and a need for discussion. When you make the time to sit down and make this happen—which is essential—these are crucial issues to discuss.

While there has likely been a long process of soul-searching and self-examination to get to the place of understanding you’re at, self-deception can be a powerful thing, and there are many out there whose internalized homophobia is so strong (or even those who just haven’t felt any interest stirring within them whatsovever) that they live in complete denial and obliviousness to their own same-sex attractions.

You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100% sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further. If you do come to the realization that you’re completely gay, it won’t do you or your partner any good to prolong the relationship any further.

One of your partner’s biggest concerns is going to be the reassurance that you’re still very much attracted to them, and you need to, with great care, let them know you’re just happen to be aroused by same-sex fantasies as well.

Another thing you will have to face, regardless of what your intentions or needs regarding acting upon your bisexual urges might be, is the fact that this may be a difficult or even impossible thing for your partner to accept. If you know they’ve had strong homo/biphobic views long before your own sexuality is divulged, it may be an impossible road. Some people are able to change their long-held prejudiced beliefs when they learn someone they know and love admits to being “one of them”, but too often the result is to spontaneously forget years of history and trust in that person

Sharing personal and individual experiences about how you came to this realization (and acceptance of it, etc) is a really good way of helping your partner with their own acceptance. Having a sense of the emotions, fears and challenges is what will most help your partner. The human experience is something a lot easier for us to empathize and identify with, than is a broad, faceless concept like "Bisexuality" (which is already so misunderstood to begin with). Also, sharing stories that take place in a context familiar to them, is a constant reminder to your partner of the real you, not the stranger they may fear you now are.

This can also be an opportunity to open up a dialogue where your partner can feel safe revealing any sexual fantasies they might have been too shy to discuss with you beforehand. Needless to say, you should approach this with the same open-mindedness, patience and understanding you hope they can demonstrate to you—in fact, it’s a great chance for you to set the example.

Step 2: Now What?

You now need to ask yourself, especially if you came out to your partner voluntarily, what your motivations were for doing so. Was it just to share something personal with them in order to build closeness? Was it to explain that you sometimes look at same-sex porn, so that you won’t have to be secretive about it around them? Or maybe you’ve realized that you haven’t done all the experimentation you’d like to do before settling down, maybe you’re not sure if settling down is your eventual plan at all.

You need to really understand your own needs, because you then need to communicate all these things to your partner Successful relationships require an understanding of the other’s expectations, and as in all unions, they have the right to know what they’re getting into. It isn’t fair to lead them on, or to let them go on planning your future together if you have any doubts that you’ll want that same conclusion.

Don’t approach this discussion as though you’re writing a contract—this is a process of learning and understanding, and it’s important for both of you to keep that in mind at all times. What it is, however, (or should be, at least) is an honest disclosure of the situation as far as you can know yourself, and an assessment of how likely you think things are to change, or how certain you are that they won’t. Desires and needs can develop and change over time, and so can your partner’s comfort level in accepting or accommodating them. If and when the status quo requires change, you will both need to reopen discussions.

Step 3: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pornography

The reality is that our recurring sexual urges are not going to just go away when they’re inconvenient, and the best way of keeping them under out control is to have an outlet for them. When acting on bisexual urges isn’t a desirable or possible option (and there are countless reasons for this—you’re in a happily committed relationship but your fantasies occasionally involve members of the same sex; the object of your desire is a celebrity you’ll never meet; your partner is fast asleep and you don’t want to wake them; you’ve concocted an elaborate scenario that takes place 500 years in the future) many people find an easy outlet in some form of erotica or pornography, and it is strongly recommended that both partners make the decision to be comfortable with the presence of porn in their own or their partner’s sex lives.

Many people have issues with porn, and if you’re already dealing with bi disclosure, you might overload. However, porn and erotica can be a simple and private means. Jealousy can certainly happen, but many people do like porn, even when they have a wonderful sexual mate, and it isn’t something to be taken personally or to feel insecure about.

This is an especially important area for those dating a bisexual. If you can get to the point of not being threatened at all by the fact that your partner sometimes fantasizes about random people who aren’t you, it’s a lot easier to accept that their attraction to people of the same gender can remain part of their anything-goes fantasy world, instead of needing to be played out in the more complicated reality. And besides, sometimes all the other-gender-experimentation that many bisexuals crave is to have a good free-for-all-fantasy wank, comfortably free of shame or secrecy.

Step 4: Talk Pervy to Me: Bringing Bisexuality, Bisexuals and Beyond to your Bedroom

Still with us? Great! Should you wish to continue to experiment and explore your bisexuality, there are a number of options. Should you find your partner eager and willing to experiment with you, inviting some gender role-play or other fantasy scenarios into your routine can be an exciting adventure for both of you. Haven’t visited a sex toy store lately? Now would be a good time to take a trip together, you’ll discover a number of toys to help bring these fantasies to life and they’re coming up with all sorts of new surprises every day.

If your bisexual desires still urge you to experiment with another lover, threesomes (or more-somes) and polyamory are solutions that many bisexuals find work for them; there are other articles on this site about these topics should you wish to learn more.

Learning about your needs, how to fulfill them and take care of your partner is a process that requires a lot of time, sharing and understanding. Making changes to both of your lives is going to take time and is going to be a hard road to travel. But hopefully both of you can keep in mind why you’re together in the first case, and from there understanding, acceptance and maybe a whole new dash of fun can be added to your relationship.



(c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous[/QUOTE]

Im married and up into this point i thought i was happy i dont think any man could really satisfy me though i have never been with a woman i am 35 years old and dont know why i feel like this now im so lost in mind

well i am bi and have been for 14yrs and my soon to be husband is straight and knows it and is ok with it .. Hell as long as i share its all good and i don't mind sharein him with other females as long as i can join in the action to. If i can't join in then its not going to happen .. we have had 1 threesum and it was great in someways and in some was not .. ...

I never came out to my first husband. I think that if i had that we might have stayed together but i know now that it would have been a mistake. I also didnt tell him because i didnt want to admit it to myself. I was raised that it was wrong and that you are supposed to be with the opposite sex and only your partner. I wasnt comfortable with myself then. When i married my current husband i think that i felt more comfortable with it and knew that he would not judge me because i am bi. I think that it is easier for a woman in the marriage to be bi then the man. Mainly because most men want to be with two women and if your woman is bi then most likely that will happen. i dont tell everyone about my bisexuality cause most of the friends that i have i have heard them say that they think that it is disgusting to be bi that you should be one way or the other. Let me say that because i have come out and admitted to my husband and myself that i am bisexual that our sex life has been much better and less confined to just us. It has actually brought us closer because i have become more open to sexual things than i used to be.

EXCELLENT ARTICLE! I really identify with it ... as some on this forum know, Dianna and I have struggled with my bisexuality for some time now. We even had a separation for a few months. Now we're back together and I've discovered that my sexuality is so tied up with hers after twenty-one years of marriage, that if we can share by bisexuality in fantasy it's very, very fulfilling! I'd rather have bi fantasies with her included and playing along than have a bi experience without her.

On the other hand, if she ever DOES relent and decide we can have that bi threesome I'm dreaming of, well, of course that's ok, too!

:male::female::male:
:bibounce:

My husband told me today that he is bisexual. I've had my suspisions for a long time based on his stories and interests. I want to know if its possible for him to be monogamous. I don't mind him looking at porn or fantasizing and we have a pretty interesting sex life do to his preferences and I enjoy the kinkier side of it. We have been married for 10 yrs and together for 13. He says he has never cheated on me and I would like to beleive him. He says that 13 yrs ago he made the decision to be with me because he loves me and he wanted a family. We have three children and he is a wonderful dad. It would kill me to find out he has had an affair with a woman or man. I guess I don't understand why he told me now after 13 yrs. He says its because he was talking to his siblings and finally came out to them and couldn't keep it from me any longer. Is this because he wants to cheat? Or is just being honest? Can he be monogamous? Is it a reasonable request? Anyone on here in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual man ?

Jul, yes there are women here in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual male. His sexuality doesn't change his integrity imo. He is still the same man you married if you could trust him before you can trust him now. He trusted you with information that could have destroyed your relationship. Talk to him, communication is the key.

Thank you, its great to find a place where people aren't interested in telling me I'm an idiot for believing him. Its not that I'm looking for what I want to hear, obviously, I want our marriage to work. And I would not be OK with a husband who cheats, whether its a man or woman. Its nice to talk to someone who has been where I am. My biggest issue is that he is now telling me. should I take this as a sign that there are problems? I know I need to talk to him, but I think I'm afraid of the answers...

I think this article has a lot of interesting points and insights. Of course no one article can cover the gamut of the bisexual experience as it is truly multifaceted and varies from person to person.
Some have touched in their comments for those of us bi men who are often misconstrued in our interests in the area of our sexuality.
For those who have commented there is so much more to the bi person than just the sex, of course! But again, the sexual experience is what it is and is at the core of all our experiences accepted or denied. It drives each and every one of us.
I find the morality of how people conduct themselves in their choices is what gets to be a bit judgmental. I respect those who are in a loving monogamous relationship and I also respect those who are not as long as they are honest with themselves and those they interact with. No one likes deceit in any form especially when you are the victim of someone's dishonesty and cheating.
I want to speak up for those of us who are single and who choose to explore our sensual side and ask not to be judged since we don't quite fit into the mold of monogamy. Too often we are judged because we have decided to be honest with who we are in our bisexuality not wanting to let go of that side of ourselves that still wants to experience both sexes. Again, I understand and respect those who are involved in a monogamous relationship and credit is due to them for making that work. As long as a superiority attitude isn't expressed as though it is the one best way. For them it is, but it isn't for everyone.
I have chosen to enjoy the fruit of both sexes and to remain single. I am open to the majority of my friends about it. I do desire to be in a devoted relationship with one individual, but someone that would understand that element in me. It is a difficult path I know and understand this....but I am always up front and honest about it. Though I desire to be involved with a person, I have also accepted the possibility that I might end up single for the rest of my life. Some would say how sad, but then others might say how stupid. Again, all of these are judgement calls.
I have a female friend who is much like a sister to me who thinks that I should keep this secret as she believes it is no one else's business what I do in the area of my sex life as long as it isn't hurting anyone. But I believe being secretive is a recipe for disaster in the long run. I've lived that way in my distant past and it was horrible. But I must add also though that it is sometimes made difficult when the opinions of certain individuals who have chosen the monogamous path make comments as though my choice to be open and honest about my sexuality is the reason why I won't ever be with someone in a serious relationship. It is only seen through the lenses and from the perspective that all must accept the monogamous path or be damned for their choice otherwise. I find this strange as I have never disrespected anyone for their choice to be monogamous. And I also realize that not all monogamous people are judgemental of others for choosing other than monogamy.
There's so much more I could go on with, but I willl stop here.

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Originally Posted by coldwinterman

Wow... I saw the header and thought, "What a great title. I should check this out." Was I in for a ride??? Let me start by saying that the article is very well written and extremely well presented. The ability to summarize your points about such a topic, without becoming a novelist, is an art. Kudos!!!

The article is great for someone like myself. I'm married and in the closet. My situation works like this. I became a born-again christian (radical bible-thumper style) when I was 14. From that point on, I was taught that anything non-hetero was wrong. I started dating my wife when we were 16. We married at 19. I lost my faith around 26 and started searching my soul for answers. About a year or two later is when I started enjoying homo-erotica as much as hetero-erotica. I have come to fully appreciate that pleasure is pleasure. Happiness is happiness. Quality of life is not dependant on what sex you choose to fantasize about. It's about being happy with your self and what you have accomplished in life.

Over the last few years, I've tried to open up to my wife. She doesn't want to accept it. The last time we had a discussion about it, she said that if I ever actually came out and told her I was gay, she'd ... (her description sounded very much like Straight_Wife). When I said that guys can be bisexual, she laughed and said that it wasn't going to work as she knew I was just pulling her leg. Immediately after that incident, things changed in the bedroom though. I look at Holybane's comments and completely relate.

The reason I'm here is not to hook up or to explore my fantasies. I'm here to find like-minded individuals who will walk with me down life's path. A post like this is cool, but I love reading the comments. Seeing Straight_wife's and csrakate's comments give me two perspectives on how my wife could react if I seriously told her of my feelings. I have no intentions of partaking in any extra-marital activities, but it doesn't stop me from fantasizing. It doesn't stop me from getting that feeling of excitement when I see Matt Damon on TV. (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!)

I like what Long Duck Dong had to say about us being much more than just "sex machines". It's true. As an amateur writer, I often pen my fantasies and then toss them into the "Private" file, rarely to be seen again. If I can comment on one thing LDD (and please don't take this as anything more than my amused comments), if you wish to be recognized for more than just a sexual being, you may wish to reconsider your tag line that reads... "Best thing about being bi ???....If I can't make up my mind how i want it.........you can do it to me any way you want until i do make up my mind" LOL

While we may agree or disagree with the topics or the comments expressed, it simply shows the wide variety of personalities here. We are doctors, musicians, and factory workers. We are college graduates and high school drop-outs. We are everyone in one small forum. I love reading both the topic and the comments.

With all that said, let me pose my question... I've described my situation above. Why should I bother to come out when I have no intentions of entertaining more than just simple fantasies in my head??? I doubt that the opportunity will arise for her to catch me masturbating to porn of any kind. Am I being deceitful by not admitting that feeling I get for Matt Damon??? (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!) What are the benefits to coming out when you know it will only cause more problems???

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My husband told me yesterday about being having bisexual feelings, I knew when we met that he had what he called experimentations, he has since admitted that they were relationships, but was afraid to tell me. He has always known he is bisexual. He was afraid to admit it to me because he thought I would not marry him and he says I am the love of his life and his best friend and could not stand to lose me. I am still dealing with the issues of him telling me. I have a lot of questions that we are discussing, but I hope this will bring us even closer together. My biggest fears at this point, are will he cheat and am I enough. We have a fantastic sex life, but is it enough for him? He says it is, so I have to believe him at this point. We've been married for 10 yrs and together for 13, he has never lied to me, unless you consider his bisexuality a lie by ommision. And as I contemplate these recent events, I believe I knew. Things that have been said or hinted to and actions during love making, have definitely been a sign that maybe I wanted to ignore.

It sounds like your wife may be in the same situation as me. She probably has a good idea that your bisexual, but it sounds like she may not be as accepting. It could be her upbringing or religious views. It also sounds like you have a pretty good idea of how she would react. If your comfortable staying in the closet to save your marriage, good for you. You will know in time how she will handle it and if she could accept it. I personally am glad to know, maybe now I can make him happier sexually so he will never feel the need to roam.

wow, I was opsting on another forum, voy.com...Anyone who has doubts about a spouse who has come out, please avoid this site. I cant tell you how many women I have had tell me my husband can not be bi, he's just afraid to tell me he's gay. Sorry ladies, I don't think a gay man could react to me the way he does and I don't think we would have three great kids of he didn't enjoy having sex with me. I'm sorry these women have had such bad experiences, but I did not find him cheating on me and I think his reasons for not telling me were valid. I love this site and the people on it, no one has been judgemental and all I've had is good advice and the ability to talk honestly without the fear of being judge. Thank you (you all know who you are).

Julbug

PS.. I have deleted that site from my favorites and will definitely not go
there again

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Originally Posted by IngridGary

I just want say i feel your fustration and pain. I've tried thru to marriages to be open about my sexuality...but both times it was better to keep it hiden! I decided after my last marriage failed I would no ;onger keep myself hidden in a closet...well this has been very hard! When a man hears that you are Bi...he automatically thinks 3sums and then demand me to make them a part! Quick fast turn offs!

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This is exactly what happened to me. My husband knew I had some bisexual experience before we were married. I didn't become comfortable with it completely until after we were married. Yet I told him right before the wedding that even if I was to accept my bisexuality that doesn't mean I am going to crave a woman. Just because I am attracted to both sexes does not mean that I can't be faithful to just one person. To him bisexual = 3 some. This nearly destroyed our marriage because not only did he have the wrong idea about bisexuality, but he also got bored of just having sex with me. Wait a minute! I thought I was the sexual deviant who wasn't going to be able to keep it in my pants? This experience has caused me to redefine my ideas about many things regarding relationships. I find it sad in a way, because I was still completely satisfied with just him.

My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. I've always known he is bisexual. He was upfront with me from the moment we became friends. This was never a cause for concern or jealousy because I know how much he loves me. I even asked him if I was enough, and if he would ever feel bored being with just a woman and feel as if he was missing out on something he wanted/needed. He told me that I never had to worry about that and that he was happier than he had ever been before. We're very much in love and planning a life together.

But recently over the past few weeks his cravings for sexual activity with men have become stronger. This scared him, because he can't stand the thought of losing me and what we have. It scared him so much that he thought me might be turning gay completely and was an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks. He began to feel guilty about fantasizing over men. He said he wanted to think about me but he found himself only being aroused when thinking about men. Although I'd always known about his bisexuality, we never really talked about it. He never brought up those feelings very often. He's a young man and hasn't had a lot of opportunities to really explore his sexuality, so I don't think he reconciled inside that he could be in a committed relationship with me and still have sexual attraction toward men at the same time. We've since realized that so many other couples go through this. I'm completely open to exploring whatever his needs are. I'm all for porn, fantasizing, and role play. I'll be the first one in line to by a strapon, believe me. I don't want to lose him, I don't want him to repress his sexual needs, I want him to feel happy and fulfilled.

But as the straight partner, I do sometimes deal with feelings of insecurity. That I am somehow not good enough, unattractive, and that he does not love me the same way that I love him. Because he is my everything, my whole life, and I can't even imagine the thought of being with anyone other than him. But I know that his sexual attractions have nothing to do with the way he feels about me. Our only fear is that his bisexuality will turn into homosexuality and that he will completely lose his attraction for me. We don't know what we'd do. We can't imagine life without each other.

Honestly, I think the article at the beginning of this thread is crap.
It does not offer realistic advice.
On top of that, every situation is different.
People who are married and come out obviously have a different take on things than people who are single, living alone, and figure out they are bi.
There is no one solution for every one. Some may even know before they get into a relationship that they are bi.
You cannot comfort everyone in every situation, until you actually know their situation.
If you are bi, you need to be honest with your partner, BEFORE you say those 3 little words. If you truly love them, you will not want any secrets at all. And if you are bi, both of you need to discuss the ramifications before either of you say those 2 words (I do). If you do not know ahead of time (I did not) you should tell your partner as soon as you do so both of you can deal with it together. If you love them and respect them, it is only right that you tell them as soon as you know.

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Originally Posted by AngelOfTheMystic

Wow that was a lot to take in thank you to whoever wrote that article! I know that I am glad that I was open about my sexuality to my husband. He is a great man and I am glad that he supports me!

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if i'm bisexual and i commit to marriage, being faithful ect,i commit to one person, not for the other person to be able to go and continue their bisexual practice,If my partner wanted to continue their bi sexual activity then our vows are mute. see ya!..i don't like to see so any people justifying being unfaithful to their spouses or partners and using bisexuality as an excuse. If both people decide to practice having sex with others while being married then their vows should state so. What i see is people having sex and not informing their partner and to me then its cheating. Communication is key here,so is trust..

[QUOTE=jalis;183952]My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. I've always known he is bisexual. He was upfront with me from the moment we became friends. This was never a cause for concern or jealousy because I know how much he loves me. I even asked him if I was enough, and if he would ever feel bored being with just a woman and feel as if he was missing out on something he wanted/needed. He told me that I never had to worry about that and that he was happier than he had ever been before. We're very much in love and planning a life together.

But recently over the past few weeks his cravings for sexual activity with men have become stronger. This scared him, because he can't stand the thought of losing me and what we have. It scared him so much that he thought me might be turning gay completely and was an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks. He began to feel guilty about fantasizing over men. He said he wanted to think about me but he found himself only being aroused when thinking about men. Although I'd always known about his bisexuality, we never really talked about it. He never brought up those feelings very often. He's a young man and hasn't had a lot of opportunities to really explore his sexuality, so I don't think he reconciled inside that he could be in a committed relationship with me and still have sexual attraction toward men at the same time. We've since realized that so many other couples go through this. I'm completely open to exploring whatever his needs are. I'm all for porn, fantasizing, and role play. I'll be the first one in line to by a strapon, believe me. I don't want to lose him, I don't want him to repress his sexual needs, I want him to feel happy and fulfilled.

But as the straight partner, I do sometimes deal with feelings of insecurity. That I am somehow not good enough, unattractive, and that he does not love me the same way that I love him. Because he is my everything, my whole life, and I can't even imagine the thought of being with anyone other than him. But I know that his sexual attractions have nothing to do with the way he feels about me. Our only fear is that his bisexuality will turn into homosexuality and that he will completely lose his attraction for me. We don't know what we'd do. We can't imagine life without each other.[/QUOTE if u can't imagine life without each other then stay together and strap him on,he would be willing to stay with u thru thick or thin period end of report!!!

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Originally Posted by Psykels

I am in a straight relationship and my boyfriend knew me as friend before hand, so he always knew I was bi, i've always been open about it to him.
but he's not up for the threesomes, and we talked it through.
And I love him, I've been with him for three years and he makes me so happy, and I don't mind not being with girls as well as him, we discussed me having another partner, but we both felt it'd ruin what we have, plus the fact my family don't know, and will probably disown me.
but i love him
and I'm happy to be with just him
because I only have one partner at a time,
and I'm sorry to ask, but I've only just come out,two years ago (but I knew since my pre-teen's I wasn't just straight, and I didn't know bi-sexuality exsisted...but does having one partner at a time make me not bi?

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no u are still bi..if u act on the feeling and cheat with others its breaking a trust,its lucky for u, u have someone who truely cares....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by julbug

Thank you, its great to find a place where people aren't interested in telling me I'm an idiot for believing him. Its not that I'm looking for what I want to hear, obviously, I want our marriage to work. And I would not be OK with a husband who cheats, whether its a man or woman. Its nice to talk to someone who has been where I am. My biggest issue is that he is now telling me. should I take this as a sign that there are problems? I know I need to talk to him, but I think I'm afraid of the answers...

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he's thinking about it..prob will act on it if he hasn't already,if u want to be married to him,just u and him not u an him and who ever once in a while,talk to him and see if u can strap it on with him. if not u have a decision to make..luck to ya