How to do monogamous marriage while embracing your bisexual identity?

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Originally Posted by ghytifrdnr

Monogamy isn't natural, I can't understand why our society insists on trying to practice it.

I think that a majority of human societies have not been monogamous.

I also have heard that in North America somewhere around three-quarters of married men and half of married women either have had, are having, or will have extramarital sex. Not very monogamous if you ask me. :(

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Actually... Penguins pick a mate for life and remain monogamous I heard, so had to google around.

Quite a few animals are on the whole Monogamous...there is some 'cheating' however.

Hi, i'm struggling a bit with this. i'm just out of a relationship with a woman,i'm married.my husband has been amazing&is trying very hard to be kind and supportive. we're using porn to try and deal with my feelings towards women.he's suggested swinging but neither of us are very sure if we want to get into that,we've never had casual sex,my husband would only be prepared to try swinging as a threesome. he's not happy for me to be with women without him, i think he's frightened i'll turn round and say i'm a lesbian.i don't think i am,i enjoy sex with him very much but i am finding i'm using more & more fantasy in my own head about women when i'm with him though.i do find him sexually attractive,i love his body.
untill this i'd been faithful all through our marriage,i never expected i'd stray,certainly not with a woman.i want to be faithful but i don't know if i can or want to go the rest of my life without sleeping with a woman again, i miss the softness.we watched The L Word on tv,seeing the couples together made me draw my breath and close my eyes....it hit me how much i miss making love with her,it made me a little sad.But, i'm positive the relationship with her was bad for me because of her personality.
i hope things do last with my husband.someone said to me,"it's not who can you live with....more who can you not bare to live without?" i can't bare the thought i'd not see my husband ever again,i love him dearly.
it's earlie days for us yet,we're taking it slowly and being very open with each other.
any tips? i'm all ears

Have always failed 2 undastand wot the prob is on this issue.. in theory at least sexuality shudn matta a jot bout wetha ya hav a monogamy.. wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction..but ifya liv wiv sum 1.. luff em.. an feel ya wanna b true an not stray.. then ya sexuality has nowt 2 do wiv it.. its jus parta the equation wivin the relationship.. its important thatya deal wiv all equations wivin ne relationship.. its not always easy.. but ya can embrace ya sexuality woteva it is an still remain monogamous.. how we deal wiv these things differs from 1 person 2 the next...but all shud involve honesty wivya partner an honesty wiv yasel wetha yas monogamous or not...

Wow. . . I'm starting to realize just how lucky I am. I just told my hubby that I'm bi after 24 years of hetero monogamous sex. He is totally cool with it. The thought of me being with another woman actually turns him on. He just wants to be there to watch and may want a turn with her too.

If anything, our sex life has improved because now we are more honest and open with each other.

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Originally Posted by darkeyes

Have always failed 2 undastand wot the prob is on this issue.. in theory at least sexuality shudn matta a jot bout wetha ya hav a monogamy.. wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction..but ifya liv wiv sum 1.. luff em.. an feel ya wanna b true an not stray.. then ya sexuality has nowt 2 do wiv it.. its jus parta the equation wivin the relationship.. its important thatya deal wiv all equations wivin ne relationship.. its not always easy.. but ya can embrace ya sexuality woteva it is an still remain monogamous.. how we deal wiv these things differs from 1 person 2 the next...but all shud involve honesty wivya partner an honesty wiv yasel wetha yas monogamous or not...

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You are so correct, Fran. Monogamy isn't about sexuality...it's about commitment and if a person decides that they wish to commit to one person, sexual desires for another person, regardless of gender are usually swept aside. That certainly doesn't mean that you are no longer bisexual, but it simply means that your love and commitment towards your chosen spouse is strong enough to sustain you. I realize that it isn't easy for the bisexual spouse and my husband and I have gone through a great deal over the last 28 years to get where we are today. I am well aware that he has made sacrifices along the way but the decision to do so was his and he did so out of love for me. It is very much the same way we sometimes put careers, ambitions and sometimes dreams on hold in order to accommodate the needs of others. Being a part of a monogamous marriage is learning to sometimes put others before yourself and seeking other ways to fulfill those desires. Marriage is about give and take as well as mutual respect. As Fran said, this can only be accomplished through total honesty and open communication. I realize that I will never fill the void (no pun intended) that a same sex partner might provide my husband but we have found that it is very possible to work together as a couple to somehow embrace those desires and use them in fantasy and role play (and a toy or two, LOL) during sex.

How a marriage is approached by couples when one of them is bisexual isn't a matter of right and wrong. It's how it works for the particular couple and they are the only ones who can decide how to deal with it. While monogamy has worked for myself and my husband, this isn't always possible for others. It is up to them to decide how they wish to deal with it and if a couple is mutually agreeable about having an open relationship, then that is a decision they made as a couple. It has worked quite well for many people and once again, it's not a matter of right or wrong.

Just my :2cents:

Kate

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Originally Posted by darkeyes

wot mattas is ya attitude not 2 ya sexuality but toward monogamy itsel... sure in sum ways cosyas bisexual it can b argued its more difficult than ifyas gay or het.. ya have a bigga field wich draws ya attraction...

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Darling DE, is this not just the kind of misconception about bisexuals that many on this site repeatedly complain about?

Anyway I do not understand why people make sexual fidelity a requirement of a marriage/long term relationship. For me a marriage has as its basic function the provision of a secure environment for the nurturing of children. Otherwise it's merits are questionable.

I find it tragic that so many marriages are ripped apart by sexual infidelity leading to all the ensuing financial and social consequences.

Particularly over the course of a long relationship it is quite natural that one or other of the partners may want to stray. And it may well be healthier for the relationship if that does sometimes happen thus revitalising the 2 people individually and collectively.

I don't think the absence of sexual fidelity from a relationship necessarily undermines any romantic values in that relationship. It seems quite natural to me that our sexual desires, if they are at all healthy, are going to wander and lead us on many a merry dance.

Humanity isn't reading Thomas a Kempis and trying to imitate perfection but freeing oneself from such fetters and allowing expression to those fragilities in nature that make you human.

You can leave a sexual encounter utterly enlivened or utterly drained. Such experiences are not equal.

People sometimes seem crushed by the insensitivity of a partner over their sexual proclivities, unable to move, stifled and discontented, living for another's wants.

To the Americans here, I wonder if your society puts alot of pressure on people to conform to a monogamous/marital model. That's what I feel reading many of the posts from our American contributors. As if you are each looking over your shoulders at the next couple and checking they are not stepping out of line with your morality.

I find something unappealing in the idea of sharing porn with a partner, if your sexual desire is not also naturally theirs. I don't like porn at all anyway. It doesn't celebrate the human form but alloys it with exploitation.

Personally my bisexual/sexual aspect is completely hidden in my life and I only like it in terms of disappearing behind a curtain into the dark recesses of my character. I am sure many others are lured by the mysticality of forbidden desire.

Sexual behaviour can be so easily mechanised and sterilised in its potency. We should allow its mesmerising force to draw us into its tentacles, leaving our cleavers at home in the fish tank with the pet Octopus.

In my case the whole bisexuality actually helped our marriage. My husband for the first time opened up and put everything up on the table. It wasn't easy first few months, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything else. We have known each other for 10 years, married for 8 and our marriage has never been better. I accepted him 100%, and we have fun being who we are. I have joined few on line support groups. I have also realized there are a lot of people like us, and they are making it work, and they are having fun in the process. People have pretty much said already what I wanted to say, but basically honesty is the key. Trust and communication. Share your fantasies with him, let him share his with you. Watch porn together, talk about what you would do in certain situations. One of the things that helped me out a lot was to listen to a podcast "Sex is fun". I have learned a lot from there, and incorporated in our lives. We listen to it together sometime, and have good discussions afterwards. Your husband needs to understand who you are, and if he loves you as much as you love him, you can make it work. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Sarasvati

Darling DE, is this not just the kind of misconception about bisexuals that many on this site repeatedly complain about?

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It is hardly a miscoception wen its the reality... bisexuals do hav a larger field from wich 2 find attraction... wy me sez arguably it mite be more difficult is cos it is arguable that sum 1 who is committed 2 a monogamous relationship may slip an stray from ther commitment cos ther is so much more of a field 2 slip up wiv... howeva... the principle is the same as for gay an het peeps who r so committed... we r human an for many they neva stray an r quite happy wiv ther lil lives... but sumtimes that happiness, contentment an commitment gets rudely interrupted by summat they neva bargained for or expected... a chance meetin wiv sumthin they didn expect an animal instincts an sexual attraction take ova...sum fite it off an keep ther commitment ..sum r unable 2 an everythin goes awry... by the very nature a bein bisexual, an by the sheer fact that we dubble the potential attractions ..it can b argued wiv sum justification that bisexuals who r monogamous, hav more opportunity 2 encounter problems wich throw inta doubt ther commitment 2 ther partner than gay or het people... thats not a misconception..thats a reality...

...am not arguin for or gainst monogamy or ne thin else S... me an me partner hav very diff views on the issue but we both agree on wot me is sayin 2 ya vis a vis the position bisexuals find themselvs in regardin monogamy...

Hi, untill i had this relationship i'd been faithful for over 20 years of marriage and i believed i was totally straight. i never thought i'd EVER stray.i understand being faithful is not an issue relating to the gender of the person any of us are with.part of the reason for ending the relationship i was having with her was to do with the way she was,part of it was because of how i feel about my huband,i love him and my behaviour was causing him such pain.
we are being very honest with each other,sometimes that's very hard but i believe it's that honesty that's helped us stay together and form a much closer bond,a deeper love. it depends on what people want from a marriage,being here reading the posts has opened my eyes,people manage things in allsorts of ways,some of them have shocked me,but what comes through to me is the honesty,the love and respect that is utmost in those relationships as people try to make the relationship work and find a way forward that suits them,i've learnt not be so judgemental,i was guilty of this before i ended my affair.
i am very lucky,my wonderful husband loves me enough to give me a second chance,he's open to looking at other,new things he'd not considered before for our relationship.we may or may not try other things but we'll make those choices together.

After 17 years of marriage, my wife has "come out" as bi. She has a lover...very experienced...billionaire...attractive and sexually skilled beyond belief lesbian. I'm a little intimidated but love my wife and am willing to go forward with this (like I have a choice)...they have been at it hot and heavy for about 3 weeks...a little stressed out...any info for the readers I can use ?

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Originally Posted by Snafu

How to do monogamous marriage while embracing a bisexual/queer identity and being true to myself is what I am really trying to figure out right now. My marriage just about ended last summer because of my queerness. I tend to think of myself more on the lesbian side of things, I just happen to like guys sometimes, and am married to one. At the time we got married and I agreed to live a monogamous life style, I was convinced that if I wanted a stable life this was the only way. Since then, I have found that being in a monogamous heterosexual relationship is much more difficult than I thought. (Prob true for anyone.) I have thought I could work on creating a strong bisexual community here and that might be the authentic self expression that I am looking for but I am not sure my marriage can handle it now. After this summer, I am feel like anything gay will just set him off. He felt like my whole sexual exploration was a betrayal the relationship. I think on a logical level he understands it wasn't about him, but not on an emotional level. And as much as I love him, this just may not be the best situation for either of us. But do any of you have thoughts about being bisexual and in a long term monogamous relationship while being true to your identity? Not being invisable, etc. Thanks for your thoughts!

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Sometimes...its a daily battle.

Some short sayings that hopefully will help you "You never know what you got till you lose it" and "The grass only looks greener on the other side of the fence"

I love my wife, and still love jumping her bones. I love the mental connections we have, and the memories we've built over many years and those to come. I don't think I could do without those if I decided to go chase my lustful passions, and last thing I need is to be looking back in realizing the grass was't greener, or really fully understand what I actually had.

Like Joe said, sometimes it is a daily battle... (I'll change that to struggle)

This has been the only monogamous relationship I've ever been in..

For the folks who asked "what about some bi accommodation?" WTF? If you are monogamous, being bi is nothing special, straights can't have sex with others either. I don't see that you only get to have sex with one "kind" of person as anything special, you agreed to only have sex with one PERSON. OTOH, I want more too...

I love my wife and we have been partners in the truest sense for over 30 years. I DO NOT want that to change!

But truthfully I want to have sex with others, men and women, and I have the whole time we've been together. She knows I am bi, I told her before we married. She is OK with it and is somewhat curious herself, but she has not acted on it...(her choice not to, as it was her request and my agreement to be monogamous)

I kinda slide on the edge now and then since I do cyber a little. She knows, but not in the deepest detail. She knows I chat on the net and that I talk about sex a lot (I used to trade a lot of porn, so that was part of it).. My masturbating to porn is fine with her, but masturbating in chat is not as clearly OK.

The solution, maybe, I hope, is to stop being monogamous, but to not cheat. We've been to a swinger's club and intend to go back. If we find another couple to play with, then great! If not then back to the drawing board...

We've also discussed my getting a 'hall pass' but so far neither of us like that choice. I am not sure why (maybe I am, I want it for BOTH of us and I want us in it together, sharing, as we do with everything else, but is that fair either?). If it was for fishing or bike riding or anything BUT sex, she'd have told me to go find a partner years ago, as she has for these other activities. I think that is the old standards hanging on.

This has been kind of rambling, but I find that in the last few years, pretty much since I passed 50, that I want to have some more and new fun and play, it really is now or never, and that after 32 years of monogamy it chafes a bit, not nearly enough to risk our relationship, but enough to try to change it.

Liz