Can a Bisexual become Gay?

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Originally Posted by tenni

post 36

darkeyes
I have thought about what you have written. If you wish to identify as lesbian, that is certainly your choice. You write about having loved your ex husband and still do. You have written about no longer desiring sex with men.


I think that your experience is different from the gay men that I spoke with. They stated that they always found something missing when they were with their wives(those that had married and now identify as gay). I certainly didn’t do a scientific survey but it was sufficient for me to say ...no that is not me. In your case, the fact that you loved men and enjoyed sex with menin the past is not enough for you to identify as bisexual. Yet, you can not firmly state that you may not change again one day. One day, you may regain your desire for sex with men and love a man sexually again.

This is what another man wrote (not on here but another time) that touches upon a difference.

“I may end up with only guys after that. It's a possibility that I have to accept. Does that invalidate all the years I spent with her, the emotions, the incredibly passionate time we've had, all of the amazing sex? NO!!! HOW COULD IT?!?!?! It happened, I loved it, how can anyone say to me that it doesn't count”


Men may define their bisexuality different than you. For us, our masculine identity may be more ingrained in to our sexual identity. It may or may not be a deeper separation for us to redefine ourselves. For me, I know that I have loved several women. I too can not deny my passion that I had with them. I am still sexually intrigued when I see certain women. Yet, I do not wish to have a relationship with another woman. I can not deny that I may fall for a woman again though. I know that I am capable of sexual/emotional attraction to both genders despite my sexual practices presently. You, on the other hand, deny the possibility such sexual emotional attraction or desire may happen again to you for men by identifying as lesbian?

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I have never said that some day my sexuality would never move into reverse.. I have said that since I became sexually aware, it is been an inexorable move toward an ever increasing attraction to my own gender and an ever lessening sexual attraction to yours... that is not the same thing at all. No one can say how they will be in days to come... I don't expect that my sexuality will move into reverse, but it is something no one can foretell.. I don't expect it because of the way it has moved towards lesbianism.. and has become ever more entrenched into it.. my sexuality never had the fluidity of many...year on year, the attraction for my own gender became stronger and more determined.. yes, even during the time of my marriage... if anything especially so in many ways... any fluctuation that occurred was minor indeed and didn't really interrupt the flow which moved me towards finally recognising and accepting my lesbianism.

The fact I retain a great deal of love and affection for my ex-husband is just that... affection and love for one of the nicest men I know.. attraction, at least sexual attraction, faded away with time and died as my sexuality continued that inexorable move to what I am now.. is it not possible to love one we no longer have a sexual attraction for? Brian is an attractive man... an attractive human being.. I still love him... only 2 men have I loved more... and another comes close... but family doesn't count does it? I no longer fancy him.. is that so hard to understand? I get the impression u simply are not prepared to accept what I know to be the truth.. and that u consider me in denial... nothing could be farther from the truth.. I too am capable of emotional interaction and even attraction with the opposite gender.. it may not be the kind of emotional attraction that men want or desire of me, but it exists...many lesbians have it u know.. but sexual attraction plays no part.. the want or need.. the desire to fuck with them... I have emotional interaction and attraction to people of both genders but it is only amongst my own that sexual attraction can come into play to add to that emotional spark...,.. and then only with some.. not all. It is only with my own gender that sexual attraction exists and it is only with my own gender that I feel the need or desire to fuck,​ and only with my own gender is emotional and sexual attraction ever in tandem... but not always.. often it is just good ole fashioned animal lust!!!

Ahhh... but the lady doth protest too much do I hear u say?? No hun.. the lady does not.. the lady is merely trying to explain as simply and as firmly as she can why she is what she is and not what u seem to be trying to make her accept she is... bit like me casting doubt on u and others being bisexual by not accepting bisexuality... seems to me u r not accepting of the fact that some bisexuals may actually become no longer bisexual... or maybe that such people never were..

Funny ole thing sexuality.. no 2 people have it quite the same. I identify as lesbian because it is what I am...

You either are bisexual or you are not and are some other sexual orientation. In the case of darkeyes she is a lesbian that was unsure or in denial of her actual sexuality and just because she was married to a man or did have sex with a man that does not make her bisexual but simply a lesbian who was at the time in denial, ashamed, or confused about her sexuality. Just because she wishes she was bisexual or wants to pretend she somehow was when she is not and never has been, nor will be does not make it true. She's just a lesbian who was confused, unsure, in denial, or maybe even closeted about being lesbian at the time. What she is describing about herself is very common among lesbians.

It's ok, Popeye, I'm not particularly offended by what u say.. it's bollox of course, but it's a view ur perfectly entitled to hold... an extremely arrogant view; a dismissive view of one who claims to know better what is in the mind and heart of another than the other does her or himself... rather similar to the arrogant view which gets up the noses of so many bisexuals when some gays and lesbians tell them that their sexuality isn't real and is a denial of homosexuality because their claimed sexuality doesn't exist as a human condition...:)

Confused? How do any of us know that we're not in denial? We could all be heterosexuals, and all these variouse other sexualities ficticious|- The symptoms of denial making us all believe that 'X' is sexy, 'Y' in't and to fall in love with 'Z'. When in 'FACT' it's all a mirage.How do we know we can trust our sexual feelings at any given time. What makes them 'real' and not 'imagined'. And more on topic - what makes the 'imagined' 'unreal'?As far as I can tell, 'real' is what is in the mind as far as sex & love is concerned, whether it is the symptom of a denial of another thing, or not. The 'symptom' is more 'real' than the denied innactive sexual/emotional stimuli,lolC'mon! Lets face it! It would make more sense if we are all hetro's in denial. Yu knows it don't yu?

“that u consider me in denial”
No, I do not consider you in denial at all. I am trying to understand.


“I no longer fancy him.. is that so hard to understand?”
I think that I understand. I love some of my past loves in a different way than I originally loved them..both women and men. Some I still fancy but know it is not our time anymore. Some I don’t fancy.


“it may not be the kind of emotional attraction that men want or desire of me, but it exists...many lesbians have it u know.”
Is this the same statement that gay men made to me about their loving their wives but not in love with their ex wives?


“I have emotional interaction and attraction to people of both genders but it is only amongst my own that sexual attraction can come into play to add to that emotional spark.”
Is this then what distinguishes bisexuals from monosexuals..or at least some of us? Some of us have no emotional connection to same gender while some have emotional attraction/sexual attraction to both genders...


“it is been an inexorable move toward an ever increasing attraction to my own gender and an ever lessening sexual attraction to yours”

I think that this statement explains it best to me except you consider yourself having been a bisexual. I think from what you have written graciously is that you grew into your lesbian sexuality just as some grow into their bisexuality later in life.

I think by saying that you grew in to your lesbianism does bisexuals no harm. It gives no weapons to those who state that bisexuals are in denial and we all will eventually grow into homosexuality. Do you see our connection? I know that you mean no harm to those of us who are bisexual. It certainly isn't you to harm.

[QUOTE=tenni;246848]“that u consider me in denial”
No, I do not consider you in denial at all. I am trying to understand.

Ty tenni, dear:)...


“I no longer fancy him.. is that so hard to understand?”
I think that I understand. I love some of my past loves in a different way than I originally loved them..both women and men. Some I still fancy but know it is not our time anymore. Some I don’t fancy.

I am the same.. except in the case of men, it is a wholesale lack of fancy for the entire gender...


“it may not be the kind of emotional attraction that men want or desire of me, but it exists...many lesbians have it u know.”
Is this the same statement that gay men made to me about their loving their wives but not in love with their ex wives?

It could be but at least as much because we often invest much time in friendship because we like and care for another and are rather glad he or she is in our life...we have emotional attachments to relatives and love some of them, but no attraction - or at least not sexual attraction.. think of it like that... the love and non sexual emotional attachment of one human being to another because they get along and enjoy each others company... and seek it out very often...


“I have emotional interaction and attraction to people of both genders but it is only amongst my own that sexual attraction can come into play to add to that emotional spark.”
Is this then what distinguishes bisexuals from monosexuals..or at least some of us? Some of us have no emotional connection to same gender while some have emotional attraction/sexual attraction to both genders...

For some.. but often as I said the attraction can be no more than animal lust... not everyone is capable of either... in me own case I am, but during the act of sex for one with whom I have no emotional attachment, I could not say that no emotional feeling was present because it was... even when sex was crap... irritation and frustration an piss offedness at a poor lover is a form of emotion... emotion existed of one kind or t'otha... as is the closeness and feeling.. passion if u like.. for any partner should the sex be brill.. however fleeting... other peeps are different.. other peeps seem to feel that the getting off is enuff... I have never been able to just "get off"...


"I think that this statement explains it best to me except you consider yourself having been a bisexual. I think from what you have written graciously is that you grew into your lesbian sexuality just as some grow into their bisexuality later in life."

I evolved into my present state of sexual being.. it was more than grow into it because at one time I was not as I am now... it was a change.. a sea change which took time, but it happened...

"I think by saying that you grew in to your lesbianism does bisexuals no harm. It gives no weapons to those who state that bisexuals are in denial and we all will eventually grow into homosexuality. Do you see our connection? I know that you mean no harm to those of us who are bisexual. It certainly isn't you to harm. "

We are all hostages to fortune whenever we utter a word, tenni, as I am fond of saying... but I mean nothing but good for all people, bisexuals included.. overwhelmingly I like them and have always liked them.. even if they can be a mucky bunch of ratbags at times:cutelaugh.. I have never thought that bisexuals are all really closet gays or lesbians... some are.. some are not.. most are not... we are who we are; what we are... and we are all different. Even allowing for the fact that my own sexuality evolved into lesbianism, I don't think andhave never thought that to be inevitable for everyone.. indeed.. for most I don't think it is.. some will move through the gambit of the sexualities.. some will change from one to another.. others will always be what they are.. mine just changed for whatever reason, from one to another... it happens... wish bisexuals harm? Perish the thought, sweetums:impleased..

i totally agree with .why the hell do people have to put labels on their sexuality when its no ones business but their own. i love a cock in my butt sure..... but i also love to slide my cock into my gf pussy im not homo bi strait im a human that enjoys life.

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Originally Posted by ExSailor

You either are bisexual or you are not and are some other sexual orientation. In the case of darkeyes she is a lesbian that was unsure or in denial of her actual sexuality and just because she was married to a man or did have sex with a man that does not make her bisexual but simply a lesbian who was at the time in denial, ashamed, or confused about her sexuality. Just because she wishes she was bisexual or wants to pretend she somehow was when she is not and never has been, nor will be does not make it true. She's just a lesbian who was confused, unsure, in denial, or maybe even closeted about being lesbian at the time. What she is describing about herself is very common among lesbians.

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Very true, a lot of lesbians like Darkeyes have been once married to men or had boyfriends before they accepted that they are lesbian. My lesbian friends who were once married said how they knew they were lesbian yet married men anyway to appease their family, because like Darkeyes they thought they "should", to please society, and they did not want to be lesbian at the time. A person can claim that they "became" gay when they previously identified as bisexual; but in reality they were never bisexual to begin with if they actually are gay or lesbian and then later come out as gay/lesbian since they are not bi.

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Originally Posted by BJHouston

Very true, a lot of lesbians like Darkeyes have been once married to men or had boyfriends before they accepted that they are lesbian. My lesbian friends who were once married said how they knew they were lesbian yet married men anyway to appease their family, because like Darkeyes they thought they "should", to please society, and they did not want to be lesbian at the time. A person can claim that they "became" gay when they previously identified as bisexual; but in reality they were never bisexual to begin with if they actually are gay or lesbian and then later come out as gay/lesbian since they are not bi.

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Uhuh.. u sound to me the equivalent of the gay who thinks they know better than the bisexual person what is in their own mind. I never had the slightest pressure from my parents to marry.. I lived as my parents raised me to be.. myself.. from the age of 14 my parents knew, accepted and approved of the fact that I was attracted to people of both genders.. both bfs and gfs were welcomed into their home and I had a ball with both guys and girls and it just so happened I met and loved a very nice guy... that it didn't work out was life.. that I had an affair and left for another girl was life....it could so easily have been a guy but it wasn't... that lesbianism was creeping up and overtook my bisexuality was life.. my life, not anyone elses. Everyone's sexuality is different and develops differently.

..the fucking arrogance of it... telling me what I was not... there were only 2 people I sought to please when I married my husband.. I did not and do not give a fig for what society thinks of me or my sexuality except that I want it to accept whatever that sexuality may be and allow me to live my life as I am with the same rights and obligations as any heterosexual person,.. and accept that heterosexuality is not the only sexuality. I have not and do not presume to know what is in ur heart or mind so would appreciate you pulling ur head out of ur arse and stop presuming to know what was once in mine...

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Originally Posted by darkeyes

..the fucking arrogance of it... telling me what I was not... there were only 2 people I sought to please when I married my husband.. I did not and do not give a fig for what society thinks of me or my sexuality except that I want it to accept whatever that sexuality may be and allow me to live my life as I am with the same rights and obligations as any heterosexual person,.. and accept that heterosexuality is not the only sexuality. I have not and do not presume to know what is in ur heart or mind so would appreciate you pulling ur head out of ur arse and stop presuming to know what was once in mine...

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Society needs people to fit in a fairly constrained number of easily identifiable boxes, some labeled for approval and some labeled for disapproval. This does not just apply to sexuality but also religion, body type, what types of tv you watch, how you hang your toilet paper, etc., etc. We will continue to make each other miserable over issues ad infinitum until the day finally comes that we all realize that we need as many boxes as there are people, and that unless you're hurting someone else, we all get to define our box regardless of how anyone else defines their's.

Psychological warefare is a time honoured traddition/affliction to us Human centres of the cosmos.YAY! We know we're not really the 1&only blueprint 'God' has, but we just like to think so coz that's how we roll.lolI had a lovely convo ih bed this morning with a gay bloke I've been meeting a lot lately. He said how there's no such thing as bisexuality and monogamy is the righteous position over sexual 'non commitment'. War broke out!LOL (in a nice psycho civilised way). He addmitted that he'd be attracted to 'the right' woman, but not that he should come out as bi. He addmited that theres nothing rightouse about denying a loved one their freedom, but not that monog isn't rightouse.lol We'll both hold our views despite what the other thinks coz being Human we like to put things in order. When we are comfy with that 'filing system' we fight tooth & nail to keep it in place. That goes for everything, as have been said already. It's that stubourness to accocodate 'sub-systems' that keep us ignorant IMO. Such as Fran being bi, then being lesbian. It's a fact! Update your sysyems or just accept that you maybe faulty just like Windows Vista!lol

No you are either bi or gay. I am one that refused to admit I was gay, played it straight for many years. But always knew in my mind that something was wrong because I liked looking at women, but sexually they just didn't do it for me. I had sexual relations with women, but I always had to use my mind to excite myself. In my generation you just were not accepted in society if you were not a masculine man always chasing women. I played that game for a long time. I always got turned on in a men's bathroom when standing next to a man at the urinals, at the beach I found myself looking at the mens crotches as much or moreso then at the women. I decided I was bi and would just ignore those urges. Well you can only hide your true sexuality for so long, so I finally had to admit I was gay and not bi. After a few experiences with men, I was convinced I was gay and accepted it and now am a much happier person.

In my eyes, only if that is what he really wants. Each person is different, it is all based on emotion and feelings the individual is going through at the time.

Lets see now :rolleyes: The question is "Can Bi become Gay" WEll I dont know what the fuss is all about............because you're already half way there. :impleased
Cheers Chook :yikes2:

I have found it ebbs and flows. I didn't really get into men till my late thirty's. When I finally started I was cock crazy, I just loved giving head, and loved the feeling of penertration. For awhile I could have been classified as mostly gay. About five years ago my interest in men began to wane, for no particular reason, I began to find it boring. I never experienced falling in love with a man, there where some I was highly attracted to I was not in love. I've been in love with many women through the years. I still have the desire to have a man inside of me and to suck a nice cock, but the need to is not as intense. I mainly deal with my desire with men by jerking off, but who knows that could change.

We are all bisexual here..with tendencies towards one sex or the other..I was born loving cocks, seeing grownup dicks in beach bathouses for the first time I "knew" I was que#r(and so glad of it too).that sexy, dangling gristle of the male prick, excited me so and when men let me eventually "play" with them I was hooked on dick... and yet got married/divorced and then went back to my first love..THE COCK!..Don`t worry about labels..they are for cans and bottles..enjoy what you like to do in bed and don`t worry as to if you`ve crossed the line on being gay or not..just have fun, that`s why we are here at this great site..thanks so much Drew ...:tongue:

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Originally Posted by switchitter2

We are all bisexual here..with tendencies towards one sex or the other..I was born loving cocks, seeing grownup dicks in beach bathouses for the first time I "knew" I was que#r(and so glad of it too).that sexy, dangling gristle of the male prick, excited me so and when men let me eventually "play" with them I was hooked on dick... and yet got married/divorced and then went back to my first love..THE COCK!..Don`t worry about labels..they are for cans and bottles..enjoy what you like to do in bed and don`t worry as to if you`ve crossed the line on being gay or not..just have fun, that`s why we are here at this great site..thanks so much Drew ...:tongue:

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Not everyone on this site is bisexual as there are some gay men and lesbian women who post here, and heterosexual women and men as well. Also not everyone that's human is bisexual since most people are heterosexual and it's possible to be gay/lesbian and not sexually attracted to the opposite gender at all. I've noticed that the "no labels" crowd, by shunning simple terms for sexual orientation are still using a label/term for their sexual orientation.

As I have said b4 elsewhere, Davie boy.. u are a very black and white person... and not so knowledgeable on reality for u simply do not accept the complexity of human beings... people change as they go through life.. some things remain quite constant but any aspect of who we are can change.. for why? No one is quite certain but it happens...

I would argue no. Of course, I do personally know some people who subscribe to this theory due to the fact that some gay men and women initially out themselves as bisexual because they are afraid to admit their lack of attraction to the opposite sex. And of course, it doesn't help when the majority of society is completely heterosexual. One of the hardest things for be with being a bisexual is people who accuse me of being gay just due to the fact that I can be aroused by penis - but they also forget that they're not me, and I know that I like both men and women. Like most bisexuals, my arousal varies depending on my mood or situation; but if I grew up having great relationships with women for years while my curiosity for male experimentation also continued to remain, then I find it highly unlikely I'm just going to wake up straight or gay one random morning. This is my two cents when considering my previous and current experiences.

Its not yet guaranteed but I have always claiming to be bi curriouse, well a short time ago i saw a homosexual and i did what seemed best, got on my knees... the best feeling ive ever had came over me, the dick was small and i told him to stop fucking me (his cum was way nasty) but from that point on Ive been able to have sex with women but the enjoyment isnt there like it used to be, lol now all i want is a damn cock in my mouth, followed by the jizz and hopefully my ass hole will get a protein shot as well

The thing that I absolutely HATE, is when I'm talking to someone who is Gay, and when I tell them that I'm Bisexual, first they give me a look of disgust, then, they say " You are really gay, but you don't know it, or, you are just denying your gayness...

Screw you Tinkerbell...Or madam Dyke . . .I like what I like and, who are you to judge me !

This is my opinion and it's how I personally define and delineate the line between bisexual and gay. I believe that if a person desires to love and be in loving relationships with his/her same gender ONLY, then he or she is gay or lesbian. Sex is important, but is secondary and an extension of his/her love of a man/woman. It's the same way with heterosexual people desiring love, relationships and sex with his/her opposite gender ONLY. When it comes to bisexual people, they may love and want love/relationships/sex with either gender or with both genders. Or bisexuals may prefer love/relationships with one gender, but desire sex with both genders. Or they might not want love or serious relationships with either gender, just sex with either gender.

If anything, in my case as a bisexual man, I am only romantically into women. I did have a boyfriend that I fell for once but I can't seem to get it back. I have a girlfriend and I have only ever been with other bisexual people so I am not really too worried about the stunt you just attempted.

Yes any preference can change.

This is an interesting question with no easy, one-fits-all answer. And the discussion here reveals the interesting paths we've taken to figure out and become comfortable with our sexuality. I'm an older guy who resumed m2m play a few years back after a long, hetero-only hiatus. I was always interested in men, but was having great success (no brag, just fact) with women and still find them fascinating and fuckable. Laziness and fear kept me from acting on my attraction to men -- and I think that's pretty common for aging boomers like myself. Since resuming m2m play, I've run into gay guys who want to insist all bi's are in denial -- some even go so far to say we're cowards and want to stuff folks into the rigid (no pun) gay/hetero categories that seem just as oppressive as the damnation of gays that is still rampant in our society. Enough preaching. The first thought that popped into my mind when reading the questions above is that I find m2m sex not only hot, but much easier and with less drama baggage. And, in truth, I'm at the age where women tend to look right past me whereas I'm still found to be an attractive bear daddy by men. I could easily find myself slipping into m2m-only sex, but would that make me gay? Doubt it.

I'm bisexual, but very much enjoy feeling gay and acting gay with other masculine or feminine bi or gay men. It's like a switch I can turn on when I go to bed with a man and then turn off after we've played casually or made passionate love. It is so very exciting to me to be secretly bi and only out to my bi or gay partners and lovers. I too have had gay men try to convince me that I am gay and then want to hear me admit it. I found the best response was to tell gay men that I am gay when I'm with men but that I'm not gay when I'm with women unless it's in a bisexual 3some LOL.