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Most men I have chatted with and many women as well, had their first bi experience just sort of happen spontaneously. I have very strong bi desires as I am a very sexual being but for me it didn't "just happen " yet. I have to arrange something and it takes something away from it and makes me nervous. What to do?
I have not had my first experience yet but I am just coming to terms with it so I am not worried. I am sure it will happen and until then I will bide my time. :cool:
It took me a while to admit to myself that I was bi, but fortunately I had a good friend who helped me through it...but I still don't feel comfortable enough to approach guys in the street or at bars etc. The internet is a wonderful tool for sounding people out without the stress of actually meeting them, but be careful to make sure that you REALLY knwo what they want before agreeing to anything. Good luck, I hope you get your chance soon, it's great fun!!!
My take on your predicament, for what it's worth, is that you likely still have some reservations in your own mind --- maybe even subconsciously -- about whether you really want to act on your desires and sexual fantasies in real life.
My thoughts are that by being content to leaving whether it ever happens solely up to chance, and impliedly for someone else to be responsible for taking the first step to initiate, it's possible that on some level you're not willing to own up to and take responsiblity for your desires to have sex with someone of the same sex. In other words, subconsciously you're trying to leave yourself with the possiblility of telling yourself: "I'm not really Bi or Gay because the other person initiated it. I just let it happened. I didnt seek it out."
On the other hand, right now it's possible that when you start thinking about taking some direct action or steps on your own to actually meet someone to hook up with by posting or answering ads to meet to have sex (or whatever other steps you might take to meet someone), you get nervous because you're faced with the undeniable reality that this is not something that just happened to you by chance --- making you not really responsible for it happening. Instead, it's something you not only wanted to happen, but actually made happen yourself, which means that you no longer can subconsciously try to say that you're really not Bi or Gay.
Nothing at all wrong with any of this; as long as you recognize it for what it is. Acting on our fantasies and sexual desires, especially ones of having sex with someone of the same sex, has real life consequences both for who we see ourselves as, and how others may see and treat us. So you do need to really think about and decide for yourself if it's something that's right for you before you venture any further.
I don't have any sage advice about how you can solve that dilemma for yourself, if that's what's going on with you when you start thinking about taking direct action to make it actually happen for you. Only you can decide for yourself whether this is something you really want to do. But if you do come to the conclusion in your mind that you truly want to experience having sex with a person of the same sex, waiting for it to happen by chance is not a good plan for making it actually happen. You will undoubtedly still be somewhat nervous about it, but you will also undoubtedly be turned on and excited by trying to hook up with someone to make those fantasies come true for you.
Last comment was pretty harsh there, rather unforgiving too. Leaves me with a taste in my mouth life "Join the club or get lost". It's inappropriate to say the least.
Ok, reality is most of us were nervous as hell when first we had sex with ANYONE. Those of us that weren't were either surprised by it, or simply were ready beyond doubt. But for most people nervouseness when dealing with sex comes from a sense of,"Will I do it right, will they enjoy themselves, will I freak out since I have no experience in this type of sex, what should I do, what if I freeze up?" These are undoubtedly the worries running through your mind, and it is perfectly natural. If you have lived your life, as I and Adrienne have, in denial and under pressure to hide ones desires even from themselves, then there must be residual doubts.
Going forth without fear or worry requires unlearning biases and reflexes, thsi may take time. Before you get to the sexual reality of it, why not work on shedding your fears first. Watch bisexual movies, take deep breaths, relax...understand that it is perfectly natural to have the jitters. Expand your point of view by identifying where the learned habits and fears come from. Eventually you won't have them anymore....and when th etime is righ tyou will find that you can do what you dream. :bibounce:
Hello Bigc69,
I have pondered your posting for several days, because it seems to carry some importance for you. I also read your profile and we are similar in age. I believe there is are differences in priorities and approaches at various stages of our life.
Given what little I have read about you, I imagine that you have structured your life to provide you with comfort and success, surrounding yourself with colleagues and friends that support the core of your being. Obviously, this has worked for you. What you describe in this posting is a radical shift from that comfort zone.
Although it is, perhaps, easier or more acceptable to believe that sex happens spontaneously, I believe that is rarely the case. Most of us put ourselves in situations were sex may happen. For example, my first experience was when I got drunk alone with my boss, who had sexual desires for me. I simply didn't say "no", because it felt good and because, well, he was my boss. Unless, a person is raped...we usually have a choice.
Your posting suggests that you are giving some sincere thought to finding a sexual partner, even for a one time experience. This is a very good place to begin. Where the mind leads, the body often follows. Cybersex is a way to develop and fulfill fantasies...sort of a precursor to the real thing.
However, I suspect that you have not readily put yourself in situations where sex is easily a progressive move in your relationships. I would recommend that you explore what you are really seeking. If you want casual sex with a stranger that is easy, but carries perils. If you want sex as an added dimension to a friendship, that takes more careful development of a relationship.
I am available to chat with you about this topic. If you like, send me a private message or an email.
Best wishes,
Red