2.5 years and he’s Bi.

So I’ve had a suspicion my boyfriend is bi. He enjoys erotic sex which I have willfully explored with him. We had different opinions but I’ve pushed through certain experiments cause I know he’s liked it. Long story short I discovered a very dirty tumblr blog he has. Where he enjoyed talking and sending and posting pics to other people of all genders. So I have no problem with him being bi. I know I’ve accepted before he has, as he is going to be hesitant because I know he feels ashamed especially with his strict catholic family. But he lied and hid this account and I found it repulsive that he did that. Now I probably would have left any other guy that did this to me, but I truely do love him. We have a one year old daughter. And yes people say don’t stay with someone becuse you have a kid. But I love our little family. I love him as a father I love the baby girl we created. It’s been a whole new experience and I was so happy to share it with him. But he hid this from me for 2 years. And we’ve only been together 2.5 years. Like I said I may have walked away if we didn’t have our daughter. But our relationship has become so much more and there has been so much more love created. I’m sad to think I want to walk away. I don’t think I’d stay cause we just had a kid. Granted she plays a part but I just don’t know how I’m going to ever trust him again or respect him the same way. Mind you before I found his blog, even since we started dating, he knew I was not a fan of porn and had always told me he didn’t like it and didn’t use it yet here he is basically sending out his naked body to strangers. I apologize if I am rambling as I am so emotionally exhausted.but how do I handle this? He admits to everything and broke down crying apologizing etc etc and wants to work things out. He said he deleted that blog and will stop all erotic/experimental sex so he can be with me cause he doesn’t want to lose me. I feel like he’s saying he’ll try to get rid of this side of him so we can be together. But I have a feeling guilt is going to eat me alive... ughh idk what to do HELP!!!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Anonac17

So I’ve had a suspicion my boyfriend is bi. He enjoys erotic sex which I have willfully explored with him. We had different opinions but I’ve pushed through certain experiments cause I know he’s liked it. Long story short I discovered a very dirty tumblr blog he has. Where he enjoyed talking and sending and posting pics to other people of all genders. So I have no problem with him being bi. I know I’ve accepted before he has, as he is going to be hesitant because I know he feels ashamed especially with his strict catholic family. But he lied and hid this account and I found it repulsive that he did that. Now I probably would have left any other guy that did this to me, but I truely do love him. We have a one year old daughter. And yes people say don’t stay with someone becuse you have a kid. But I love our little family. I love him as a father I love the baby girl we created. It’s been a whole new experience and I was so happy to share it with him. But he hid this from me for 2 years. And we’ve only been together 2.5 years. Like I said I may have walked away if we didn’t have our daughter. But our relationship has become so much more and there has been so much more love created. I’m sad to think I want to walk away. I don’t think I’d stay cause we just had a kid. Granted she plays a part but I just don’t know how I’m going to ever trust him again or respect him the same way. Mind you before I found his blog, even since we started dating, he knew I was not a fan of porn and had always told me he didn’t like it and didn’t use it yet here he is basically sending out his naked body to strangers. I apologize if I am rambling as I am so emotionally exhausted.but how do I handle this? He admits to everything and broke down crying apologizing etc etc and wants to work things out. He said he deleted that blog and will stop all erotic/experimental sex so he can be with me cause he doesn’t want to lose me. I feel like he’s saying he’ll try to get rid of this side of him so we can be together. But I have a feeling guilt is going to eat me alive... ughh idk what to do HELP!!!!

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You’re going to get a lot of comments on here telling you what you should do, or how you should feel, but no one on here has the right to tell you how you should behave or what you should think. I can’t even begin to tell you how you should feel, or even how your bf feels or thinks. I can only go with my experiences. If you’ve read any of the blogs on here, reading mine will show you that I too suffer some guilt and shame for having the feelings that I feel.

Your bf has something that I don’t, which is a partner who desires to understand and/or please him, even if it does go against her comfort level. My wife, whom I love dearly, has no such desire (but this is about you and your situation, not mine, so we’ll leave it at that).

I too, hide my activities, not only from my wife, but also from all of my friends and family. Even though I have family members who are outwardly gay, I know that my being BI would be met with nothing but negativity. I can’t even tell my friends, some of whom have gay siblings, because telling them would be akin to telling my wife, which I will not do.

ive also, posted some ‘personal pix’, on some sites, not because I’m an exhibitionist, but because I think, that’s it’s my way of being “out”, without actually being out, if you know what I mean. It’s kind of like my attempt at some sort of normalcy, whatever that’s worth

hopefully, somewhere within all of my ramblings, you’ll find a nugget of information that you can use to begin a dialogue with your bf

good luck

Talk to him, and tell him how you feel. Tell him what you wrote here. Good luck.

There's so much shame in our society about men being attracted to men that many times men will be afraid to let the word get out to anyone about it.

Definitely talk to him, be supportive, be ready for hurt. If he needs support, this group is great: http://groups.queernet.org/index.fcgi/info/how

Speaking as a male who's bi-side was recently discovered by my girlfriend I can only tell you (my feelings - just mine) that there is a level of embarrassment that no one really understands. After months of therapy I've discovered that my feelings for other men stem from the way I was raised which is another story all together.

I will tell you this though...it took a couple of months but I really started feeling violated because my girlfriend went snooping on my computer. She went through my emails and phone to discover some photos and messages I'd sent. Mind you I never connected with anyone, I was just fantasizing with other men on line...in my mind it was just that, fantasizing. Fast forward 6 months and I found out she was snooping in my stuff again. That was the end, I moved out last week. We'd been dating for 5 years, engaged for just over 2. My advice is to come clean about the invasion of privacy. Offer to listen and try to understand what he's dealing with but the mental struggle for me was agonizing at times.

Good luck with it though. I hope you guys can work through it. If you don't it's not the end of the world...just another bump in the road.

well my wife knows i am bi and i am a crossdresser. we get along great, as of this june 9th we will be married for 39 years. so be really understanding and open. you will get threw it if you both talk.

i have been with my wife for over 43 years . it took me just two years ago, to have the courage, to tell her i was bi. thankfully , she was ok with it. the guilt i had was tremendous . you cannot help it ,if you are bi , gay, straight , or whatever . i have let my wife have sex with doms , because she had that need in her. but we have a love that is so deep , nothing can separate us. let him have his quirks , and by all means , he should let you have yours. BTW, all men love porn !

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Anonac17

So I’ve had a suspicion my boyfriend is bi. He enjoys erotic sex which I have willfully explored with him. We had different opinions but I’ve pushed through certain experiments cause I know he’s liked it. Long story short I discovered a very dirty tumblr blog he has. Where he enjoyed talking and sending and posting pics to other people of all genders. So I have no problem with him being bi. I know I’ve accepted before he has, as he is going to be hesitant because I know he feels ashamed especially with his strict catholic family. But he lied and hid this account and I found it repulsive that he did that. Now I probably would have left any other guy that did this to me, but I truely do love him. We have a one year old daughter. And yes people say don’t stay with someone becuse you have a kid. But I love our little family. I love him as a father I love the baby girl we created. It’s been a whole new experience and I was so happy to share it with him. But he hid this from me for 2 years. And we’ve only been together 2.5 years. Like I said I may have walked away if we didn’t have our daughter. But our relationship has become so much more and there has been so much more love created. I’m sad to think I want to walk away. I don’t think I’d stay cause we just had a kid. Granted she plays a part but I just don’t know how I’m going to ever trust him again or respect him the same way. Mind you before I found his blog, even since we started dating, he knew I was not a fan of porn and had always told me he didn’t like it and didn’t use it yet here he is basically sending out his naked body to strangers. I apologize if I am rambling as I am so emotionally exhausted.but how do I handle this? He admits to everything and broke down crying apologizing etc etc and wants to work things out. He said he deleted that blog and will stop all erotic/experimental sex so he can be with me cause he doesn’t want to lose me. I feel like he’s saying he’ll try to get rid of this side of him so we can be together. But I have a feeling guilt is going to eat me alive... ughh idk what to do HELP!!!!

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I think you need to cut him some slack. Guys are like that. Being gay or bi is not easy or cool in spite of what you hear in big city media. My advice is to not let him kill himself with guilt. If you care, then care.

I would suggest that you if at all possible---get a relationship therapist to work with you--at core issue with him--is that he held something so important and fundamental back and you that makes it hard for you to continue trusting him. I do say--that don't really take much of what people might say to you with too much veracity, the one person that is specially true and that person is Pole Smoker. I thought he was gone from the site-I thought he might have gotten the boot from its new managers--but alas-he is still around. I have him blocked so I don't know what he said to you---but I would not even take into any kind of consideration, anything this person says.

He has proven himself to be a pretty mean and nasty person, with no good intent, with rarely if ever a good, kind, decent or considerate thing that he has ever said to anyone--in fact--he seems to take great pleasure in dosing out as much meanness, vileness and so on as he can---so just ignore him if what he said was in any way negative--I cannot imagine it being anything but that.

I do wish you luck--do cut your BF some slack---I can be sure--his reluctance in telling you the truth about himself----he is in great turmoil about it----and still trying to figure it out for himself and how it all works in his life.

Do take care dear and do consider if money allows---you guys go see a therapist to help you work through this and to help him come to terms with this aspect of himself that he still has not quite figured out.

All the Best!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Anonac17

So I’ve had a suspicion my boyfriend is bi. He enjoys erotic sex which I have willfully explored with him. We had different opinions but I’ve pushed through certain experiments cause I know he’s liked it. Long story short I discovered a very dirty tumblr blog he has. Where he enjoyed talking and sending and posting pics to other people of all genders. So I have no problem with him being bi. I know I’ve accepted before he has, as he is going to be hesitant because I know he feels ashamed especially with his strict catholic family. But he lied and hid this account and I found it repulsive that he did that. Now I probably would have left any other guy that did this to me, but I truely do love him. We have a one year old daughter. And yes people say don’t stay with someone becuse you have a kid. But I love our little family. I love him as a father I love the baby girl we created. It’s been a whole new experience and I was so happy to share it with him. But he hid this from me for 2 years. And we’ve only been together 2.5 years. Like I said I may have walked away if we didn’t have our daughter. But our relationship has become so much more and there has been so much more love created. I’m sad to think I want to walk away. I don’t think I’d stay cause we just had a kid. Granted she plays a part but I just don’t know how I’m going to ever trust him again or respect him the same way. Mind you before I found his blog, even since we started dating, he knew I was not a fan of porn and had always told me he didn’t like it and didn’t use it yet here he is basically sending out his naked body to strangers. I apologize if I am rambling as I am so emotionally exhausted.but how do I handle this? He admits to everything and broke down crying apologizing etc etc and wants to work things out. He said he deleted that blog and will stop all erotic/experimental sex so he can be with me cause he doesn’t want to lose me. I feel like he’s saying he’ll try to get rid of this side of him so we can be together. But I have a feeling guilt is going to eat me alive... ughh idk what to do HELP!!!!

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Update: I did tell him I looked through his phone and how guilty I felt for invading his privacy. He wasn’t mad at all more apologetic than anything. We are considering a therapist and he has agreed to talk about everything inlcuding issues before this situation. And thanks everyone for the great insight. I hope to be able to support him with whatever he decides. I hate being lied to. It’s hard to forget that some has lied about things. Here’s hoping things work out!

Anon-
I've been out to myself and my wife for about 17 years as a bisexual man. She did not take it really well to begin with, which began a 10 year session of no talking about it... 10 years of living together without talking because it made her uncomfortable. I denied myself for that whole time. Depression, anxiety... not a good scene.
Your snooping is not a good thing. He's secrets are not a good thing either. I did the same after discovery of an affair - and continued to do it. That added a lot of stress to our relationship. No excuse, but also blocks all the potential for trust. Rebuilding trust is a two person job. He will have to allow you to be trustworthy, while you show you can be trusted. In this case, he will also have to show you he can be trusted, and you have to allow him to be trustworthy. It's a lot of work. That said, it's not that you are trusting him to not be into porn, watch porn, post pics of himself, and identify as bi but only to those he is ready to be out to. For good or bad, that now includes you.
His secrets are much more intricate though. If, like me, he has had some shame from society over sexual orientation, then there is a lot to get through. Your reaction to his secret can be tied to a reaction to his orientation, right or wrong, and that can be detrimental. If his first reaction is to ignore his sexuality, say it's not a problem, not a real issue - more than likely that is what he has been doing all along. I belong to the support group Husbands Out to Wives (HOW) and this is a common idea that has been tried and failed. You can suppress these parts of yourself, but they will eventually come back up, often with an explosive result.
You, too, will need some support. The two of you together should check out the various links to support groups on http://alternatepaths.net/#, Join some online groups to speak with husbands and wives in your same situation. a Mixed Orientation Marriage (Relationship) MOM/MORe can be a good strong relationship if you put in the work.
Breathe.
Work together.
Your young child is going to grow up in a wonderfully accepting society compared to where many of us learned our internal thought processes. What you are doing now, and in the future will also be teaching your daughter about acceptance. No matter what you and he decide, he will always be the father and you will always be the mother. How you treat each other and talk about each other when they are not there will teach her how to engage and treat people. These early lessons remain for a long time!

You may find you two are not sexually compatible. My wife and I work at that all the time. Initially she felt it was incompatible, and yet 17 years later we are still working through things.

Please feel free to discuss as things go on. I can also be directly contacted if you or he feel the need. If you decide to join any of the resources on the site I referenced, we can always talk there with others that are working to maintain long term relationships. There is a wealth of knowledge and understanding available.

Thanks for getting back to us. Communication is the key. A therapist might be aa good thing. If you really love him, do all you can. But remember it takes two. My wife wouldn't have anything to do with me, or go to a marriage councellor.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CurEUs_Male

Anon-
I've been out to myself and my wife for about 17 years as a bisexual man. She did not take it really well to begin with, which began a 10 year session of no talking about it... 10 years of living together without talking because it made her uncomfortable. I denied myself for that whole time. Depression, anxiety... not a good scene.
Your snooping is not a good thing. He's secrets are not a good thing either. I did the same after discovery of an affair - and continued to do it. That added a lot of stress to our relationship. No excuse, but also blocks all the potential for trust. Rebuilding trust is a two person job. He will have to allow you to be trustworthy, while you show you can be trusted. In this case, he will also have to show you he can be trusted, and you have to allow him to be trustworthy. It's a lot of work. That said, it's not that you are trusting him to not be into porn, watch porn, post pics of himself, and identify as bi but only to those he is ready to be out to. For good or bad, that now includes you.
His secrets are much more intricate though. If, like me, he has had some shame from society over sexual orientation, then there is a lot to get through. Your reaction to his secret can be tied to a reaction to his orientation, right or wrong, and that can be detrimental. If his first reaction is to ignore his sexuality, say it's not a problem, not a real issue - more than likely that is what he has been doing all along. I belong to the support group Husbands Out to Wives (HOW) and this is a common idea that has been tried and failed. You can suppress these parts of yourself, but they will eventually come back up, often with an explosive result.
You, too, will need some support. The two of you together should check out the various links to support groups on http://alternatepaths.net/#, Join some online groups to speak with husbands and wives in your same situation. a Mixed Orientation Marriage (Relationship) MOM/MORe can be a good strong relationship if you put in the work.
Breathe.
Work together.
Your young child is going to grow up in a wonderfully accepting society compared to where many of us learned our internal thought processes. What you are doing now, and in the future will also be teaching your daughter about acceptance. No matter what you and he decide, he will always be the father and you will always be the mother. How you treat each other and talk about each other when they are not there will teach her how to engage and treat people. These early lessons remain for a long time!

You may find you two are not sexually compatible. My wife and I work at that all the time. Initially she felt it was incompatible, and yet 17 years later we are still working through things.

Please feel free to discuss as things go on. I can also be directly contacted if you or he feel the need. If you decide to join any of the resources on the site I referenced, we can always talk there with others that are working to maintain long term relationships. There is a wealth of knowledge and understanding available.

---

thank you for your insight. 10 years is a long time to surpress those emotion. That’s exactly what I don’t want him doing. I didn’t nevessarily snoop through his phone out of the blue. He asked me to go into his iPhone to look at a work email. When I double tapped his home button to go back to his email, I saw the account. I ignored what I saw but the next day my curiosity got the best of me. I am not proud of looking but I had a bad feeling. I accept him for whom ever he is or wants to be. I’m will omg to learn and grow with him. I went through this phase 5 years ago and discovered who I am. I want him to be able to do that too. I just don’t want him to surpress his emotion. His emotional reaction when I told him I saw was he was going to delet the account and never do anything like that again sexually. I was kind of mad because it’s not about his sexuality it’s about how he lied to me. He was talking inappropriately with other men and women. It’s the fact that I lost trust and feel betrayed. I support him through exploring but I don’t want to push him into it. He seems so ashamed. I think he thinks no one is going to accept and I know even if he does come to the conclusion that he is bi and accepts that. He won’t tell his family. Which I’ll support whatever he does because I understand his situation. I’m scared I won’t be able to gain the trust back for him. Or forgive him for lying.

I understand and people say me will use porn but this was an interactive account. I was never supportive of him watching porn but I didn’t hold him back from using it. But taking sexually with strangers was crossing the line.it bothers me that he had this account for two years and he Knew I disliked prob he should of realized I wouldn’t like him talking to other people. Is this something I’m going to have to allow to be able to grow with him? Does that make any sense?

If you decide to stay with him you will need to accept him for being bi. I think you know that even if he promises to no longer connect with guys he is likely to go behind your back again. I think the next step is to determine if he is attracted to other people because of a sex drive or if somehow he go off on the whole thing being secret and tabo. If it is his sex drive see how much of that you are able to live with. Maybe allow him to be with another guy. If that still doesn't satisfy him and he is into strangers etc. you have to look out for yourself and your daughter and make a decision based on your own safety and survival. I wish you the best.

I'm going to start with your last question first. Does it make any sense - yes, for someone that is trying to fit together a learned expectation with a person that is not your perfect image of that expectation, all your questions 'make sense' in that they show your challenge in this situation.

Please don't take this wrong, there is a lot of issues besides a web chat and online discussions with people. Perhaps some of the following will seem difficult, but please read through it for another perspective.

So you say you went through "this phase" 5 years ago - what 'phase'? Bi is not a phase. Sexual expression, while fluid, is not a phase. The idea of 'just a phase' thinking can be very problematic. While you are saying many of the right things, supportive and so forth, some of the language is quite challenging. For a man that is questioning his sexuality, which is so much more than just the orientation component, discouraging words can cause him to pull back and retreat to a closeted appearance. EXACTLY what you say you do not want. You even saw his emotional response to your discovery was to make a bold statement of never again. We all know 'never' and 'always' statements can be marked as false on any test, so too they should be regarded as inappropriate as a human stating the future.

You seem to have an issue with porn. Your language is pretty evident you do not approve - never supporting his watching. 'men will use porn' is true, as true as 'women will use porn' Yes, some women do, and enjoy it greatly! just as some men do not use porn and do not enjoy it. Porn is an entertainment medium, nothing more. How you interpret it is yours alone, lets not imply your thoughts on others that have a healthy interest in an entertainment medium. Some porn is better quality, more interesting to some people than others. Not unlike the plethora of TV shows and movies - not all are good for everyone. On the same subject, porn is a slippery slope when trying to define what is/is not porn. Many of today's movies are extreme porn from 40 or 50 years ago.

two way web communication is another form of entertainment. If he is an exhibitionist, how else would he safely explore that part of himself? Would you rather he spend time at a sex club, in front of people? Would you be willing go with him to support such an activity? Do you consider exhibition a character trait? How about voyeurism? These two are safely explored on a web chat server, sharing with others yourselves for their enjoyment, and vice versa.

He held that account for two years, and never shared the information with you, and that probably has something to do with your attitude - you are obviously against that aspect. Why, then, would you expect him to share it with you knowing you are un-accepting of it? You said he knew you disliked it, but how do you know that if you never had that discussion before now? Did he already know something significant for his self was at odds with your thinking, or did you two never share the topic? Had you ever specifically stated what acts (in person or online) are acceptable, and which are crossing a line? This is a significant point of communication. You cannot assume anything when shame, inflicted from society or self, could be a factor. My wife's reaction to my being open and vulnerable caused me to shut down, for YEARS. She made it know subtlety that she was unaccepting of several aspects - Open Relationship (although she was engaging in the same), Bisexuality (assuming I was GAY and leaving her for a man) - which caused me to learn not to share. I had already been taught for decades never to speak of sex.
Consider he did not do these things to specifically mislead you , but as a form of self protection learned since he was a child in a sexually negative society.

You seem to struggle with the idea he may not come out to his family - does he know them better than you? Perhaps he knows how pained they will be and how painful it will be for him. Perhaps this is more self protection. It is up to each individual to decide when and if they are to come out to each other person - no one else can make that decision for them, and those that do are guilty of a horrible injustice.

Is this something you are going to have to allow? It is not up to you to be the gatekeeper of his sexuality, nor for him to be your sexual gatekeeper. You can either be accepting or not. You don't get to pick and choose what aspects of a person you accept. You either accept the person or you do not. Sure, more information will be disclosed as time goes on, more information is learned by that person, and they grow and change... and you can accept them as a whole person or not.

I have to say, much of what you are complaining about in your posts seems to have more to do with your limitations on what is acceptable for you, and less about him. He is not you. He has different desires and needs. It's going to take a LOT of education on your part to learn more and understand how to be accepting. It's work, all relationships are.

Go and learn, use the resources I shared before to find some others with different perspectives on this type of relationship. Listen to those that have been successful on the long run - not those that are short sited.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CurEUs_Male

I'm going to start with your last question first. Does it make any sense - yes, for someone that is trying to fit together a learned expectation with a person that is not your perfect image of that expectation, all your questions 'make sense' in that they show your challenge in this situation.

Please don't take this wrong, there is a lot of issues besides a web chat and online discussions with people. Perhaps some of the following will seem difficult, but please read through it for another perspective.

So you say you went through "this phase" 5 years ago - what 'phase'? Bi is not a phase. Sexual expression, while fluid, is not a phase. The idea of 'just a phase' thinking can be very problematic. While you are saying many of the right things, supportive and so forth, some of the language is quite challenging. For a man that is questioning his sexuality, which is so much more than just the orientation component, discouraging words can cause him to pull back and retreat to a closeted appearance. EXACTLY what you say you do not want. You even saw his emotional response to your discovery was to make a bold statement of never again. We all know 'never' and 'always' statements can be marked as false on any test, so too they should be regarded as inappropriate as a human stating the future.

You seem to have an issue with porn. Your language is pretty evident you do not approve - never supporting his watching. 'men will use porn' is true, as true as 'women will use porn' Yes, some women do, and enjoy it greatly! just as some men do not use porn and do not enjoy it. Porn is an entertainment medium, nothing more. How you interpret it is yours alone, lets not imply your thoughts on others that have a healthy interest in an entertainment medium. Some porn is better quality, more interesting to some people than others. Not unlike the plethora of TV shows and movies - not all are good for everyone. On the same subject, porn is a slippery slope when trying to define what is/is not porn. Many of today's movies are extreme porn from 40 or 50 years ago.

two way web communication is another form of entertainment. If he is an exhibitionist, how else would he safely explore that part of himself? Would you rather he spend time at a sex club, in front of people? Would you be willing go with him to support such an activity? Do you consider exhibition a character trait? How about voyeurism? These two are safely explored on a web chat server, sharing with others yourselves for their enjoyment, and vice versa.

He held that account for two years, and never shared the information with you, and that probably has something to do with your attitude - you are obviously against that aspect. Why, then, would you expect him to share it with you knowing you are un-accepting of it? You said he knew you disliked it, but how do you know that if you never had that discussion before now? Did he already know something significant for his self was at odds with your thinking, or did you two never share the topic? Had you ever specifically stated what acts (in person or online) are acceptable, and which are crossing a line? This is a significant point of communication. You cannot assume anything when shame, inflicted from society or self, could be a factor. My wife's reaction to my being open and vulnerable caused me to shut down, for YEARS. She made it know subtlety that she was unaccepting of several aspects - Open Relationship (although she was engaging in the same), Bisexuality (assuming I was GAY and leaving her for a man) - which caused me to learn not to share. I had already been taught for decades never to speak of sex.
Consider he did not do these things to specifically mislead you , but as a form of self protection learned since he was a child in a sexually negative society.

You seem to struggle with the idea he may not come out to his family - does he know them better than you? Perhaps he knows how pained they will be and how painful it will be for him. Perhaps this is more self protection. It is up to each individual to decide when and if they are to come out to each other person - no one else can make that decision for them, and those that do are guilty of a horrible injustice.

Is this something you are going to have to allow? It is not up to you to be the gatekeeper of his sexuality, nor for him to be your sexual gatekeeper. You can either be accepting or not. You don't get to pick and choose what aspects of a person you accept. You either accept the person or you do not. Sure, more information will be disclosed as time goes on, more information is learned by that person, and they grow and change... and you can accept them as a whole person or not.

I have to say, much of what you are complaining about in your posts seems to have more to do with your limitations on what is acceptable for you, and less about him. He is not you. He has different desires and needs. It's going to take a LOT of education on your part to learn more and understand how to be accepting. It's work, all relationships are.

Go and learn, use the resources I shared before to find some others with different perspectives on this type of relationship. Listen to those that have been successful on the long run - not those that are short sited.

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Thank you for your insight. I will add I was never discouraging towards his sexuality nor did I frown upon it. I simply didnÂ’t not like him talking to other people and I made that a point when we started dating. I am monogamous. Old fashioned if you will. I also was not angry at him for watching porn it was more the fact of contacting people. He knew I didnÂ’t like porn because it made me uncomfortable but I never forbid it as I know that is wrong. His emotional response was to get rid of the account because he is ashamed of his sexuality. IÂ’ve already accepted and want to help him accept it. I am not ok with him taking to other people. There fore if he needs to explore that side of him and when he is ready to do so we will have to consider and open relationship ( and I will have to learn to share I know this). I am more against him taking with other people than the porn. Even though I donÂ’t like it I knew he used it and I was accepting of that. But sexually talking with people and sending photos with women or men Is uncomfortable for me as it is for most and he knew that Fromm the second we started dating. I understand he was exploring himself but we have a close enough friendship where I feel disappointed that he couldnÂ’t communicate to me his interests and desires. Like he did with wanting to use the dildo/strap on and include dominance in our sex. I was saddened that he didnÂ’t ask me for help. I understand this is tough but he had already expressed to me that he knew he was different sexually. So he made it that far just he couldnÂ’t face the reality.

I never said I was bi and that bi is a phase. I was curious 5 years ago I started to consider and question my own sexuality. After exploring I figured out I was straight and not bi like I thought. I was referring more to sexual exploration than being understood as Bi.

I have no no issue with him not wanting to come out to his family. I actually understand why he wouldnÂ’t as they are very old school and I guess you could even say a bit homophobic. I support him in any decision he has regarding sharing his sexuality with anyone. Also we have been experimenting and IÂ’ve had a suspicion he had another side to his sexuality. It was never my place to confront him therefore I didnÂ’t ask as I wasnÂ’t sure how accurate I was.

What bothers me about your post is youre youÂ’re missing my point. I am More concerned about learning to trust him and forgive him for deceiving me. He wasnÂ’t just using this account to explore men it was for women too. Regardless I feel cheated to. And regardless of anyone elseÂ’s perspective mine is I donÂ’t want him or me taking sexually with anyone or sending photos. I understand he was exploring something he is confused about but I still feel cheated and lied to because in this situation the gender doesnÂ’t matter. Yes I support and want to be there for him while he tries to discover himself. I fully support him in this aspect. You must have missed my other responses to posts which state I am MOSTLY concerned about how I will trust him to not hide things and lie from me. Also not once did I say I i was his sexual gate keeper. I simply was trying to reach out and ask how other people have they have learned to accept and grow with this situation. Maybe because you havenÂ’t been on the other side, but itÂ’s not something everyone can accept and Be ok with and I donÂ’t mean his sexuality I mean being in an open relationship. IÂ’m ok with his sexuality but idk if IÂ’ll be comfortable with an open relationship mostly because IÂ’m scared to to share him thatÂ’s something I have to work on and get over and I know this this. I want to add I know it would make him uncomfortable to let me be with another person. HeÂ’s expressed that many times in the past so am I supposed to let him do it so he can explore but I cant cause it makes him uncomfortable (thatÂ’s saying if I even could emotionally).

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Originally Posted by Anonac17

I accept him for whom ever he is or wants to be. I’m will omg to learn and grow with him. I want him to be able to do that too. I just don’t want him to surpress his emotion. His emotional reaction when I told him I saw was he was going to delet the account and never do anything like that again sexually. I was kind of mad because it’s not about his sexuality it’s about how he lied to me. He was talking inappropriately with other men and women. It’s the fact that I lost trust and feel betrayed. I support him through exploring but I don’t want to push him into it. He seems so ashamed. I think he thinks no one is going to accept and I know even if he does come to the conclusion that he is bi and accepts that. He won’t tell his family. I’m scared I won’t be able to gain the trust back for him. Or forgive him for lying.

I understand and people say me will use porn but this was an interactive account. I was never supportive of him watching porn but I didn’t hold him back from using it. But taking sexually with strangers was crossing the line.it bothers me that he had this account for two years and he Knew I disliked prob he should of realized I wouldn’t like him talking to other people. Is this something I’m going to have to allow to be able to grow with him? Does that make any sense?

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I have read your original post several times and when coupled with your latest post, I seem to have a better understanding of your situation and questions. There are a number of different issues that seem to be complicating things for you.

His strict Catholic family: This type of upbringing almost ensures internal conflict when one discovers they have desires which seem to be outside of the parameters set by our training. No doubt, he was raised in a background of not talking about sexual things and that sexual desires other than for procreation were wrong and amounted to varying degrees of sins depending on the desire. Have you possibly contributed to this repression? You indicated that he "enjoys erotic sex" and that while you "had different opinions" "you pushed through" certain experiments." Coupled with your distaste of porn, I does seem normal that he would have been reluctant to discuss his other desires for fear of upsetting the relationship.

His tmblr account: If I understand you correctly, his use of the interactive account was limited to the exchange of pictures and messages about sex with others. Have you ever had a discussion with someone other than him about sex? Was there someone you went to for answers to your questions about sex? It does not appear he had that ability during his upbringing. Perhaps that is how he got started with the interactive account, a need to better understand his desires.

Did he Lie to you?: You don't indicate what lie he told you, therefore, I assume that in your eyes the fact that he didn't tell you about it is his lie (hiding it from you). Your comments about him having "crossed the line" by communicating with others and that because he knew you disliked porn he should have known you would also dislike him talking to others supports this conclusion.

While you do seem to be a bit more open than you describe him to be, you freely disclose your dislike for things outside of vanilla sex, not necessarily a bad thing - most people fall into this category. Have you considered that he may have been helped by his conversations and that, possibly, having gained a better understanding of himself, he then brought new ideas into your relationship (the experimentation/dildo/strapon)? This seems to be a good possibility since there is no indication that he did anything with others beyond the exchange of pictures and messages.

Do you have to allow something?: I'd say, NO. But then my opinion is that no one has the right to allow or prevent another from being who they truly are. However, in a relationship, the parameters of the parties actions should be a negotiated and mutually agreed upon thing. If people are unable to come to an agreement, then they must consider whether further adjustments are required or a termination of the relationship is appropriate. You seem to be giving crossed signals in this regard - stating you fully support him and want to be there for him as he discovers himself but don't want either of you talking to others or sending pictures. At the same time, you are here asking others for their opinions about how they might react to a situation similar to yours.

If you really want to be supportive of his exploration and discovery, reopen his deleted account together and adventure forward as a couple.

You need to get over yourself. Lots of guys are a little bi. I had a friend before I married and I sure as hell never told my wife or anyone. He's not lying to you, I would have reacted the same as he if my wife found out my friend and I use to blow each other.
Don't ruin his and possibly your life. He is terrified you are going to expose him, you should not do that ever.
you found this by looking for it so you are as much to blame as anyone.
And Roll Tide!

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Originally Posted by pole_smoker

Talk to him, and tell him how you feel. Tell him what you wrote here. Good luck.

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Never thought I'd be quoting pole_smoker, but this.

I'm a fan of full disclosure in relationships. I also believe that most problems can be fixed. If you still love him, talk to him, be honest, and if you think he deserves it - give him another chance. But just one. Be sure that he understands the severity of this and that he has the one chance to reconcile.

Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cbb83

Never thought I'd be quoting pole_smoker, but this.

I'm a fan of full disclosure in relationships. I also believe that most problems can be fixed. If you still love him, talk to him, be honest, and if you think he deserves it - give him another chance. But just one. Be sure that he understands the severity of this and that he has the one chance to reconcile.

Good luck.

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Holy crap---you mean that Pole Smoker ACTUALLY said something nice, decent, kind and useful to someone??? Wow---amazing--I guess I can take back what I did say about him in my earlier post---this is advice worth taking into consideration.

I was only willing to admit it to myself a few years ago, at around 32, but my wife has been unbelievably tremendous in that sense. Being bi really isn't a big deal; you have to decide if you are okay with him experimenting or not, and that's up to you, but my advice, from someone who has been in almost his position is to try to get him to simply be 100% honest and go from there. I enjoy sex with men, but I don't really want to kiss them... I'm kind of in a niche position, I'm a large penis connoisseur, but I generally identify as bi and I only will do anything without my wife with her permission and very rarely, and safely. Again, up to you.

Talk to him a communication Big key in any type of relationship