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I remember the last night I spent with him and that's when he told me that they would be moving away and pretty soon. I felt... crushed. it wasn't fair! Of course, I didn't want him to go any more than he had wanted to go but, yeah, I knew the deal behind that one - you go where your parents go and if you don't like it, well, sorry about that and you'll get over it.

We... made love for the last time and I'd realize that it was what we'd been doing all along. We sucked and fucked each other until neither of us could get hard again and it was comforting - but hurtful - to be cuddled up with him as we drifted off to sleep. Yeah, we did it again when we woke up but there was still that air of sadness around us and it was hard to hold back the tears but we both managed to.

I would and do remember being at the breakfast table and his mom asking us what was wrong and why were we looking like a couple of Sad Sacks and we kinda shrugged and mumbled something about being okay when, clearly, we weren't but that made sense given the news he gave me. We get finished with breakfast and just before we were about to go outside, his dad took me aside, saying that he needed to talk to me.

He explained why they were moving - he'd gotten a really good job and, well, they had to go where he was going to be working and I understood that. He had said, "I know how the two of you are such good and close friends..." and I nodded to acknowledge that but a moment later, my "heart stopped" when he said, "And I know how really close the two of you are... and it's okay, okay?"

I almost pissed myself! He knew what we were doing all those nights we spent together? One look at his face told me that, yeah, he knew and had known all along! My stomach felt watery and my knees were shaking but he just smiled at me and told me to always remember what it was like to have sex with someone you really, really cared about and to understand that it was all for the better. Now, go outside and catch up with him before he starts to worry!

A few days later, they - he - was gone. It bothered me, too. It was like breaking up with a girl you really liked but not that bad but, yeah, it sucks to lose a friend like this. For a while, having sex with the fellas wasn't the same or, really, it didn't feel the same even though it would be good sex and with plenty of jizz expended in the doing. But, as they say, time heals all wounds and, well, that's what happened. I still missed him and his friendship but I had the memories that helped ease the hurt and pain of it all. Did I really love him? I can't really say because I don't really know. We were... made for each other. That first kiss happened... because it was supposed to and, yeah, I can still remember how it took my breath away.

We were... special together and in a way I'll never forget...

When he shot his stuff in me, man, I can't even explain today how it had made me feel. I would think that maybe, just maybe, I had fallen in love with him... but it didn't actually feel like that and I've never been able to really make sense of how I felt in that moment.

He'd pulled out and kissed me "for real" and said, "That was so nice!" And I had to agree with him. But now it was my turn to screw him and, well, it had to happen even if I didn't really understand it at the time. While he had screwed me while I was on my stomach, it just... made sense to do it to him in the position girls liked to do it and... it felt so right. He didn't flinch or cry out in pain as I entered him and, again, later on, I would recall how it felt like my dick was made to be inside of him; I would recall how he wrapped himself around me and kissing my face and lips as I fucked him and I wanted it to go on forever and I felt that he did, too, but I couldn't hold it back and a part of me didn't want to and I came in him and it would be a great many years later when I'd cum in my new boyfriend and I'd feel the way I did that night.

We didn't get much sleep that first night. In the morning, it was... different. I would realize later that we were more... connected than we had been before last night. It wasn't love - or I didn't think it was but I could sense that we both had... feelings for each other. We went through our day talking about what had happened last night and if you were to have heard us talking about it, you would have thought that we'd been doing it to each other for a long time. He had this... smile on his face that was so... beautiful; he'd laugh about something and it was infectious and I'd find myself either laughing or smiling but the one thing we both had on our mind was that bedtime wasn't getting here fast enough.

Once we climbed into his bed, we were already naked and we hadn't even bothered to look for our PJs. It felt so good having his body close to mine and feeling his erection against my stomach and he made me laugh when he said, "Your cock is hard!" and, well, yeah, it was. I showed him how we could suck each other's cock - er - dick at the same time and, again, you would have thought that he'd been doing this for a long time and as I had been. Even though there was the risk that we could get caught doing it, there was no sense of urgency that I can remember but we weren't exactly taking our time, either. I would, one day, understand that some guys are just... a natural at sucking dick and my friend was such a natural; I even remember that when I came in his mouth the night before, he didn't complain or make a face or anything like that - he just swallowed my stuff and smiled at me once he was done doing that.

This time wasn't any different. His dick felt so good in my mouth and I was really into sucking him so I could taste his stuff again and it seemed to take a very long time (but it really hadn't) for me to feel his dick stiffen and his stuff shot into my mouth and it was like I couldn't get enough of it. We fucked each other and it was better than the first time and I couldn't get over the fact that until we'd done it the night before, he'd never done it with a boy and, according to him, had never thought about it. He said, "I just felt like we had to..." and I knew I'd felt the same way. Was it love? I still don't think it was but it was... deep. We sucked and fucked each other all through the night and going to sleep, well, it never occurred to me that we should go to sleep and yeah, we were some very tired puppies when we came down for breakfast and I would remember thinking that what we'd done made losing a night of sleep worth it... and then some.

I was friends with a lot of guys and guys that didn't mind doing it... but this was so different. Again, I would think that maybe we were really in love with each other but I would also understand that we had a special... chemistry that made having sex with each other feel like nothing I'd felt before. That Sunday night was even more special because I'd be going home in the morning and, well, it made both of us cry. I remember the tears rolling down my face and I was spooning him from behind and just holding him when I felt him grinding his butt against me before he said, "Put it in me like this..." and I did and, man, did it ever feel good doing it to him like this. I would realize that we were "having a moment" and one that meant so much to the both of us and it had done my heart so much good to do it to him while comforting him by reminding him that there would be other weekends.

It broke my heart when, a month later, he and his family moved away.

I often think that those of us who are into sex with guys knows that one guy who is... just perfect for it and in every way imaginable. There was this one guy I grew up with and, as the saying goes, we were tighter than white on rice and you just couldn't help but like the guy. He was smart and funny and just so outgoing that if you were having a bad day, just him saying hi to you would make your day better.

We did a lot of things together and, um, once I found out how good it felt to get some dick, oh, yeah - I wanted him; I wanted him to know what I now knew and even more so when I'd seen him naked quite a few times. Later on in life, I would realize that I had feelings for him that was more than friendship but in that moment, well, I really liked him and, really, how could you not like him?


I was spending the weekend with him which was always a joy and a lot of fun and more so when we had so much in common with each other. One the first night, we were lying in bed and reading the newest SpiderMan comic I had gotten and we were close to each other as we read it and just having a good time doing it. I remember how... comfortable it felt being that close to him and how good it felt. We were about maybe halfway through the comic book when, in a moment where we were looking at each other, he leaned forward and... kissed me lightly on the lips. It was the weirdest thing, too! It caught me off guard but, okay, you kissed girls but boys didn't kiss... did they?

I had asked him, "What was that for?" and he said, "Because I really like you and, um, it just seemed to be the right thing to do." From my perspective, one moment we were lying close to each other and in our PJs and the next moment, we were both naked and I can remember... how totally natural it felt. We sucked each other off and it was... magical - and I know I'm sounding corny by saying it but that's how I felt. When we were talking about it, he admitted that he'd never done something like that before but he, too, felt that there was something special about our friendship and that's what made him kiss me and, by the way, I had kissed him back... and it made me feel wonderfully dizzy and lightheaded.

It just seems equally normal for us to fuck each other and, at the time, I'd never been screwed with so much... tenderness before. It took him a moment to follow my instructions on how to put it in me but he got the hang of us and it was so good and it was like we were supposed to do this and should have been doing it all along.

So back at he beginning of my journey and finding my niche,, I use to keep track of my guys on white boards.. yes I kept them at my place and yes I rated the guys.. scale 1-5 kept name phone numbers, length, girth, positions they liked, agility meaning willingness to try new things,, and stamina.. then my own thoughts.. I would rate each category 1-5 then average them into final score..
Didn?t take long to figure out that the white board was not a good idea.. most guys don?t want to know they aren?t the only guy you are having sex with and see that they may not be the high score on the board., so white board out little black book in.. I have learned a lot over the years from keep track of every guy I have had sex with., I am very blunt and straight up honest with them about everything,, but now only if they ask questions.. that seems to be a better way!!
So I just updated the book as I was on the road this last couple weeks.. I do not update every time I have sex,, usually only after the first time.. I usually check I when I have a date coming just to refresh the things he likes and if any dislikes.. if for some reason there is a big change I will try to update only to keep track.. so I have been traveling for a couple weeks and met and had sex with 1 guy in Arizona that I will be hitting up when I get back there next month and I met 4 guys that were staying in the same hotel I was in in Nebraska.. actually pitching to the same company I was.. we had two really good nights there and one in Kansas we were all going there next to the same company.. then I spent 2 days with 2 of them in Missouri.. will be with all four Thursday in Washington can?t wait!!! Can you say gang bang!!!
So just for grins and giggles I decided to count up how many guys are in my little black book.. now don?t think I am bragging or trying to be any thing like that., but over the last 15 years I have had sex with 347 different men at least one time.. holly shit!! I about fell off the couch!! Wow I am a slut!!! That averages out to be basically two new guys a month plus all the replete sex.. no wonder I love my pussy so!!

Tonight is suppossed to be my last night in San Diego, thank god. Sadly, no nookie for me last night at all, and I even had on tight leather pants and a corset, jeeeez.

Thats okay. So what did I learn with my grindr and silver daddies experience.

For one thing, I really learned a new appreciation for what real women go through. I mean, I knew about some of the stupidity, but I didn't know how bad. I have asked a few and they described exactly what I saw.

Now, I believe the phrase "Toxic masculinity" is complete BS, hands down crap. There is nothing wrong with being masculine or masculinity. The reality, no matter the gender, there are assholes. We could come up with a cute bumper sticker slogan for woman to show how awful feminine is, but it would upset the politically correct crowd.

The truth is simple, jerks come in all flavors

I did meet some nice guys, but in talking, eventually it comes out that trans and CD is a fantasy fetish. You don't even have to be passable, although people that are, I can't imagine the crap you deal with. At first, I thought it was cute, hey, who doesn't want to be an object of desire, but overall, it becomes weird.

From guys who immediately send a dick pic demanding to know if you like it, too guys who don't realize every CD and Trans is not trying to live a pornstar life.

I think with social media, there is a growing, and large already population of people who cannot seprate real world from online. As much as I enjoy my internet porn, it's not good for some people. I saw soo much, from wanting to spank, to use of terminology, to grabbing a throat.................all the crap you see online porn, its like they think this is reality

For way too many guys (when it comes to CD and Trans) they think this is their porn debut. What you dont realize, take it slow, be sensual, (freaking give back) and you could have some mind blowing sex. The wanting to bang at 100mph an hour, the comments of suck that big dick bitch, really, dont get you anywhere.

A gay last night, first text, you horny, send me your address, I am willing to dump a load in you as long as you suck me first. Ummmmmm dude, you aint that good looking, and go F yourself.

I went to two known gay bars, and I have a habit of listening in. You would think in theory, the LGBTQ community would want all us included right ?

Listening to probably 25 different people over two nights

- WTF are all these "bi" people doing in our bars now, make a damn choice
- oh look, more trans shit in our bars, cant they just act like men
- just what we need more of, guys who are married coming here

None of that was directed at me personally, but you could hear the disdain for bisexuals, it wasn't the older guys, it was the under 40 crowd. One little queen asked me why I don't just chop off my balls and become a woman if I want to be so bad. I explained, I have no desire, I am happy as a man............then he called me a freak of nature.

I will say, an older gay man, I think he said he was 81 (But damn he was in great shape) grabbed him by the front of the shirt and told him everyone is welcome, to take his drunk ass elsewhere, then apoligized to me, so that was cool.

I truly believe after my experiment, we have three groups with three different problems and some overlap.

Bisexual men- many times not accepted, or understood by the gay community or the hetero, they just dont get it. Then add in majority(I am guessing) are not out, or married, but have overwhelming desires, and they are stuck in a hard place. Then you have all those that want to set themselves free but, because of the way all society treats them (gay or straight) they are terrified to be who they really are.

CD- we face the same issues as bi men, but we have added flavor. There is this thought that we are a weak little sissy boys, or we want to be women, or we are just mentally ill and fooling ourselves. Not too mention too many that think we deserve what ever we get and we are really nothing but wanna be little whores, instead of people expressing our sexuality.

Trans- I have said it before, its hard to speak on this, because I am not part of that world. But, from what I have seen (gay and straight) unless trans are needed for a protest, many times look down on the. Honestly, no, I don't get wanting to be another gender, but it's not my life, I don't have to get it and my approval is NOT needed. But when you consider they are changing their body physically, they are dealing with legally changing everything..............I have ni understanding of how difficult that can be, I cant.
Then I see all the comments and guys, who think they are nothing more than a novelty act or a blow up doll ?
I have learned a very new appreciation for the trans community.

So, whats the bottom line ?

Keep in my , this is my own opinion, and I can take the flaming, doesn't bother me. I think the bi community needs better representation. What I mean by that, I have been to LGBTQ events, and other than in passing, we are the ones sitting in the corner. If we are going to be there, we need more of a voice. The gay community is different than us, the hetero community is different than us.
But, we need to be more visual when we can, and help others understand, we are all alike, no matter who, everyone has struggles , everyone has highlights...........................we are all just people

except that guy that wanted to ejaculate in me, then leave it in until he pees..........................ewwwwwwwww....................screw that guy.

So, sorry so long, just remember, I am a guy who does a personality switch to an entirely different gender and manner of dressing, so, in the end, I could be partially insane, who knows. I could be completely off my rocker, probably, but all I have in my life is my own experiences.

One thing I will say, I have heard comments, get this forum running right or shut it down. For the new people coming out as bi, CD's, trans.................I ahve looked at other forums, I have been out in the world dressed.

This place is a fantastic and quality safe haven for many. You all do a great job, from greeting new comers, to joking around, to giving advice. I like that we have a place where a new CD can talk too some of us and realize, they are not a freak of nature.

A young new bi guy, or even older for that matter, can find people who think like they do, and maybe feel better about themselves. You all do that, whether you are a good person in the real world or not, at least give yourself credit, you do some good things here

So I came back to San Diego on Monday, just to spend the day here, then planned on Tuesday and home for a week..............but wait, there's more.............btw, some of my spelling is bad, spending a month in hotels, I am beat up and tired

A manager who has been on vacation, that should have been back Tuesday calls Monday COVID positive. So now we are scrambling to get me a hotel room for another week. Problem is, comic Con is in town, so the 3 rooms, open are like $500 a night.

I get back online, more for a distraction than anything. Start chatting with a guy, listed as 34, so not bad. But, the phrasing of some things he typed made me go hmmmmmmm. A suggestion, always listen to what your gut tells you. He shows up, he is like 19. I should have said no, but, figured at his age, it will be a quickie and why not.

So, he goes to kiss me and grabs me like he is in total control, okay, he is young, I rolled with it. His tongue was like all over me, I think I took another bath. We are messing around and he is commenting with the normal " You like that big dick" ?

Next we go to do it, he is asking to go from behind, and be in a certain way, I am thinking, skippy has seen 1 too many pornos. So we start doing it and he smacks me on the ass. I stopped right then and nicely informed him, I realize I didnt lay out the ground rules, but you do that again, I will break your hand.

So we go back to it, he is like going fast then slow, trying to move his hips, making sounds.................and me, I am laying there choking up trying not to laugh.

Then he is like " You like daddy's big dick ripping you apart"

At this point I put my face in the pillow and burst out laughing. He seemed to think I was moaning with pleasure as he doubled his efforts. To put things in perspective.

Solid hard, he was about 3.5 inches, nothing wrong with that, but daddy for sure does not have a big dick. Secondly, your balls just dropped about a year ago, so calling yourself daddy, uhhh no.

Finally he cums, looks at the clock and is like, damn, I went 15 minutes. I could see this kid having excel sheets at home tracking his performance. Once he left, I spent an hour just laughing and laughing and laughing

Third week of my fun trip. I ma feeling better, 2 nights in a row in my own bed. But, not feeling the grindr, so concentrated on silverdaddies. I was hoping they would be a touch different, I was very wrong. I started texting with a guy, 72 (to be fair, I had texting, and I really cannot stand sexting)

So we are chatting , seems okay, but then he says he has an early morning so ahs to go, okay, good night. Next text I get is "Good night what " ?

I am like, huh, then he informs me, bitches need to learn their place, it is good night master. Now, this crap was not in his bio, so I nicely tell him, some kind of mistake, I dont do the subordinate, sissy, master slave, whatever you want to call it games. Now he tells me he didn't ask what I want, he is now telling me what I will do. That one was an easy block.

Chatting with another guy, seems alright at first, then sends me a video of someone fisting him with 1/2 their forearm up his ass. Sorry, not my thing, and ouch.

The next two nights I had schedules to write, so no social media. Thursday comes around, I called up an old friend and we headed to a bar. I have learned, when dressed like me, watch your back, don't go outside, always keep your hand over the top of your drink when not actively drinking. The reality is, people into crossdressing don't go tot he police when attacked, and their are groups that assume you are weak and basically a cum dump whore who deserves what ever they get, and sadly, this is worse in the LGBTQ community, we are the outcasts and the ones looked down upon by both sides.

Anyways, when I see someone kind of checking me out, I watch if they step towards the bar. Many times it is some well meaning person buying a drink to break the ice. Most times a server brings it over, but sometimes they do. I watch to see if the drink leaves my sight at any time before it gets to me. Lors of times, it is for someone else, whichs is fine, but when it does come to me, I want to make sure nothing was added.

Night rolls on, people are coming by our table speaking to us, now this is a bar that caters to the older crowd, at one point I turned for a second, but I could see in a mirror. A guy who hadn't been speaking, but was kind of a wingman, his hand went over my drink and I saw the little sputter. I turned quickly and asked him what the F he was doing.

naturally he denied anything, we went back and forth, and now people are watching. Some drag queen walks over and states she is sure she saw something get dropped in my drink. The bouncer /bartender came over and asked questions, the whole place is basically paying attention to us now.

The bartender was a smart guy, he is like, well, we can't prove anything either way, people think they saw something, you deny it, maybe we should have the police come by, get everyone's ID, get searched, then take the drink and have it analyzed. The guy freaks out now, stammering how he doesn't need this crap, he has a wife and kids at home, all the usual.

The bartender asked me what I wanted, I said just permanently ban him, and contact your friends with other bars to make sure they do also. So the guy gave up his ID, they took a picture and he left.

On the bright side, my drinks were free for the rest of the night. I spent some time dancing with drag queens, other queens and had a great time. Other guys were telling me they had a weird feeling about him, the way he tried to talk to them in the place, so it worked out for the best.

Not much else happened the rest of the week, went home friday............worked on my hair all day Saturday, saw Loverboy, Styx, REO Speedwagon in concert....................for the record, Styx blew the roof off that place, and, it was an outdoor venue, so blowing the roof off was an achievement

So, at this point I am in the middle of my second week in hotels, and I am thinking, this is not working out like I planned. I was hoping for someone come over, they tell me how beautifal I am, how sexy I am (Hey, don't judge me, it's not my fault my feminine side is kinda egotist, but I will speak to her about it) , then we pleasure each other, they put on clothes and , you know leave.

As the great prophet, Charlie Sheen, once said " You don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay them to leave"

Anyways, at this point, I decide to check out silver daddies, I mean, older crowd like me right ? probably a little more maturity, understand themselves, somewhat more grown up........................not a chance in hell. For one thing, at 54, I am the kid in that group. Well, this night I am chatting on grindr and silverdaddies at the same time, thinking I would just like some petting or something.

Finally, I get hit on by a guy in a shirt and tie, generic yuppie looking person, probably in his 30's, and I am like, he seems decent, we talk about what we want this night, everything looks good, until he comes over. I could smell some alcohol right away, as in recently been drunk, but, not an issue by itself.

we started making out , touching, he is doing the "You like the feel of that big dick "?

Sure, uhhhh huhhhh, it's maybe 5.5 to 6 inches on a good day, don't flatter yourself buddy, but I went along with it. Then he goes to graphic prono talk of what he is going to do with his big dick. That was his first mistake, because now I am on alert.

Next thing I know, he uses both hands and grabs around my throat and tells me how he is going to face fuck the shit out of me and I better like it. To be honest, I have a weird thing about hands near my neck, goes back to an issue when I was young. This aside, his tone of voice, the way his demeanor changed, and the look in his eyes...............I had enough clues this had gone south already.

I calmly asked him to move his hands and step back, he responded with "Bitch, my cock should already be in your mouth and no speaking, understand"

One thing I can tell you, and every smaller guy knows this, no matter how big you are, if we are planted and balanced, and you are not, you will go down, and go down hard. At this point he had a knee on the bed and one foot on the ground, simple physics, spin forearm to his wrists that made him bend forward,turn to the right, forearm around his neck , knee to the back and he couldn't move.

I nicely told him, he is going to get dressed, leave without a sound, and if I ever hear of him attacking a CD or Trans again, I will personally make sure he pays the price. He was stuttering and apoligizing, this wasn't him, he never acts like this, he wanted his first time to be like the movies blah blah blah, he is sorry and is leaving.

I did grab a screen shot of him and post it in a few places and contacted local CD's and trans to warn them.

I really don't believe he was a bad guy, he got caught up in the excitement, had a few drinks to clam himself, but he went too far. The only good thing, he got someone who knows something about protecting themselves, otherwise it could have been real bad.

At this point, I gave up on the week. Went home Saturday night, slept in my own bed and relaxed.