I have some bis issues right now

[BiPhone]

Hi everybody. I have some issues I need to talk about. As some may know I have always been open with my bisexuality and my fantastic girlfriend knows and supports me. She is okay with my ocational hook ups that are usually jerking off, rimminf and blow jobs. I have had some "sex buddies" these past years, but things change and people move on, as sometimes happens.

This brings me to the issue. I met a guy online a few months ago. I liked hi pictures and decided to meet hm at his place. Everything was fine until half way when I was giving him a blow job he suddenly said I think you ae ready for a cock in your ass.

I have never enjoyed analsex. And I dont want to have analsex. This he knew well since we talked for a while before agreeing to meet.

When he said this I said no. He said it again and I said no again firmly. He suddenly held me down and started to penetrate me. I tried to get free but he was very strong. He tried again and I finally managed to kick him away with my body and get free. I got very angry and he appologized but it was too late. I left.

After this the need/urge to hae sex with men has sunken to an all time low. I still get turned on by male porn but I have big problems doing it again. Has anybody here been in a similar situation? I have shame cause I feel I put myself in that situation. A man being almost raped is hard to swallow. I dont want to talk to anybody about this cause Im to ashamed. At least for now.

It feels like he turned me back to straight again. LOL

[littlerayofsunshine]

Hunny,

First off i want to give you a big hug. (((((Hugs)))). No, it is not your fault and you did exactly the right thing to defend yourself.

I completely understand your feelings of being violated and scared that it could happen again and your shame that it happened in the first place.

I was actually gang raped as a young teen. That event did numerous things to my psyche that I had to work out. One thing I had to work out was to change the way I thought and realize I can not believe all men will do that, or punished another man for one man's (or in my case, group) transgressions.

Had I not taken the time to heal myself, I never would have been able to enjoy my body or sexual pleasure with other men. I would not had been able to trust and enjoy all the possibilities that lay before me. It took two years after that event, before my body would orgasm because my mind wouldn't allow it. But once I had worked past it, my body opened up to all it could enjoy.

You should find someone to talk to hunny. It is a very traumatic experience you had. But trust me that you did nothing wrong.

Once you feel safe and remove your shame, your desires will come back. *hugs you tight* It will take time. But remember you are never alone.

And you should be proud of your post. I am sure this has happened to other men, and they did not have the courage to give themselves a voice.

You're an inspiration.

Be gentle with yourself.

[tenni]

I too wish to give you a hug. I am guessing that you are not comfortable telling your girlfriend? I think that you do need to seek out a counsellor and do not let it fester inside. I sense that the shame has already set in and that shame may be pretty great for a guy who has gone through what you did. I do not know if it may spill over into your relationship with your girlfriend but it might in ways that you do not see at first. Take a deep breath and find someone to talk this over with. I heard about this happening to another guy recently. He ended up liking it but saw that this type of man has no consideration for the other person and stopped seeing him. This type of guy will continue to behave this way until stopped. I know that you are not comfortable reporting him but it sure sounds like rape with all the baggage that may come with it. This guy who did this to you is more than likely going to try again with another guy. Rape is rape.

[allbimyself]

I have to agree with Tenni. He's probably done this before, and will keep doing it, because he knows 99.99% of the guys he does it to will never report.

I know how hard it can be. I was 12 when two 18 y/o boys raped me, violently. I was 22 before I told anyone what happened, and do wonder if someone else was attacked because I didn't do anything. It took me a long time to get past that. Having bisexual tendencies as a teenager was a nightmare. Fortunately, after losing my virginity to a girl, I didn't think about guys anymore for a few years. When my bisexuality reappeared, I was much older and could deal with it.

[Realist]

Darryl, that's good advice!

You did nothing wrong and you were clear, when you were talking to him, about NOT wanting anal sex. I believe if you had not fought him as vigorously as you did, that he would have raped you.

Please don't get the mind-set that you set yourself up for this situation, you did not! You should not feel guilty for what happened.

Littleray:

I am so sorry about your encounter as a teen, I hope the ones who perpetuated that act were punished.

I've heard that, sometimes, those who were raped shut down sexually for the rest of their lives and trust issues are usually a part of the same results.

My cousin was raped by her dad for years and the results are still visible in the way she interacts with men. She is fanatically cautious, suspicious, and paranoid about others taking advantage of her....she will never be able to resolve the nightmares she still has.

[mikey3000]

Oh man, Darryl and everyone else, how absolutely horrible for you all!!!

Darryl, firstly I'd get checked out by a doctor. Secondly, I'd take a break for a while. I'd also tell the GF what happened to you, so if it does affect your sex life, she'll understand why.

It is totally unacceptable what happened to you. Absolutely not your fault.

Please take care.

[Billys_gurl]

Darryl I am right there with you on this issue. I was promiscuous I admit but when a guy wanted to do anal I said no. I didn't want it and never did. I don't do it now, but anyway, he said ok but then rammed it home anyway. There was no ease about it,and no lube. He was hard and it hurt so bad I was in tears. When he was done he asked if I was better now that my ass cherry had been popped. I just ran, to my car, and my friend who was passed out drunk in the passenger seat. He was so mad but he's a lover not a fighter. The worst part was he was my boyfriend at the times friend and he (boyfriend) KNEW who his friend was doing it to! Needless to say, that ended quick and I never saw either of them again.
But like everyone else has said, talk to your girlfriend, talk to a friend, you already talked to us, but talk to SOMEONE else. I kept it bottled up for a while but then my hubby got it out of me along with Realist. <---He was a great comfort when I had to try to tell my hubby about it. He helped me realize that no matter what, I said no, so it was not my fault.

[elian]

No matter what your preference or gender your body is still your own and you have a right to say no just as much as anyone else. I think you were more than up front and friendly enough about your wishes and if I was in the same situation I would've probably done the same.

I don't know what, if anything he managed to do before you could fend him off - if it did involve penetration then it is important to let your girl know and get testing if you think there may be a problem.

[DuckiesDarling]

Daryl, that is so completely horrible. I do agree with the others that you need to report him because you can guarantee it's happened before and he was successful. So major hugs and remember it was not your fault.

[citystyleguy]

...never bury it, dude! talk about it, so that you can come to terms with what happened! twice it happened to me; unfortunately for them they underestimated my ability to respond; to anyone, i say take a self-defense course, sources for such things are widely available. its not only for this issue, but an excellent reserve for dealing with dumb asses of all types!

your response to the issue is natural, but know that he's the sick and twisted one, you made clear your intentions, and expectations! he deserves all the dumping you want to do to him; but as it has happened, walk away from it, understand it, and mark as a lesson learned, better prepared should it happen again.

these gutter skiiming jerks are an all too common issue for bi/gay men, those same shits women have had to deal with for centuries; there will always be those top men that think that they have what it takes to teach someone what they think needs to learned. go for the soft and tender parts, make them know that you mean business! it wont make them a better person, but they will know that you are not to be messed with, now or ever.

know that you will come out of this ugliness, and there are some great people here that can help! :cool:

[elian]

"Friendly" may have been the wrong word for me to use, in no way did I mean to imply that you "deserved" that treatment - I was silently thinking to myself that when you kicked him I hope your foot met with his balls - that's the least of what he deserves for trying to take something that was not his and was not offered.

[12voltman59]

It might be a bit embarassing for you--but what this person attempted to do to you---depending upon the local laws--it was an attempted rape, sexual assault, etc and should be reported to authorities.

You can bet that if this person did it this time--he has either done it before and gotten away with it--or he intends to do try to do it to someone else when the opportunity presents itself---and as has been said-no matter the gender of the person who falls victim to an attempt or successful completion of such an attack---no one deserves it and a person who commits such acts is a dangerous person and is certainly from a legal sense---a criminal. They certainly are also "unbalanced" in some fashion from the mental aspect of such things.

Such a person is surely someone I would not want to have any part of --I sure could not consider someone who tried to do this to me--a friend in any sense of the word.

No matter what--stay away from this person and do consider talking to the police about him.

[BiPhone]

Thank you for all the replies. I will talk to my girlfriend about this. I talked to a friend but he didnt get it since I wasnt penetrated and managed to get myself free he didnt understand why I had issues with this. Im speechless but I think alot of men who havent experienced this dont get it

[darkeyes]

Those that say report him are quite right Darryl hun.. the polis may do nothing and then again they may investigate and then who knows what happens.. but the thing is to get your marker down on him.. for just as someone before u reported him and may have had no satisfaction, ur report could well be the one to put the authorities on the alert about the guy.. and any future allegations may well be taken and dealt with much more seriously.. of course it matters that you you get justice but even if you dont, your report may in the end help someone else so treated by this arsehole receive justice..and who knows.. it may in time achieve it for you as a result..

Voltie is right.. anyone who acts as this guy is a dangerous person, and in time, rape being what it is, who can tell what the fate will be for the victim(s). Violent crime is just too nasty and unpredictable to allow any such as he to get off unscathed..

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Darry-Honey, those of us that have faced forced rape understand completely. Do Not feel any shame from this, it wasnt your fault. No means No anytime you say it, and he is the one at fault. Maybe his kink is that he takes no as yes, but forcing sex in any form or fashion is Wrong. It doesnt matter that he didnt penatrate, its still Wrong of him. If you need to talk, contact me off board, ok?
Talking to someone who has been there, done that, helps a great deal.
Hugs Darlin
Cat

[onewhocares]

I too wish to give you a hug. I am guessing that you are not comfortable telling your girlfriend? I think that you do need to seek out a counsellor and do not let it fester inside. I sense that the shame has already set in and that shame may be pretty great for a guy who has gone through what you did. I do not know if it may spill over into your relationship with your girlfriend but it might in ways that you do not see at first. Take a deep breath and find someone to talk this over with. I heard about this happening to another guy recently. He ended up liking it but saw that this type of man has no consideration for the other person and stopped seeing him. This type of guy will continue to behave this way until stopped. I know that you are not comfortable reporting him but it sure sounds like rape with all the baggage that may come with it. This guy who did this to you is more than likely going to try again with another guy. Rape is rape.

I agree with Tenni and those others who say, rape is rape be it attempted or completed. I would have hoped to have as another said, hit him in the balls so as to leave an identifiable impression of your boots when the police come to get him....spurs are great.

Yes, I think counseling is a good idea and there is no doubt with out dealing with the situation the future can be a rough road. I used to go to this most wonderful adult store in Boston which had a wide variety of classes for the general public, one of which was returning to a relationship after rape and they used several techinques to restore yourself to pleasure.

Know we are here for you and a big hug from BOSTON.

Belle

[DuckiesDarling]

Daryl,

Duck posted a thread awhile back about dealing with unwanted sexual advances. Hope it helps a bit as well.

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2383

[Bisexual Explorer]

Daryl,
Other members have provided very wise advice about this not being your fault (obviously it's not) and whether or not to report the incident to the police (a tough call). Most important is the advice on emotional healing. Many of us, myself included, have been victims of sexual violence. Those of us, again like myself, who have surpressed the memory have suffered long-term emotional and physical distress. Don't be one of us! Do what ever you need to do to heal, and then get back to what seemed to be an extra-ordinarily healthy bi-sexual life.
g

[NotLostJustWandering]

You are in my prayers, Darryl. And I had stopped praying.

[NjbiGuy01]

When entering an online relationship, it's important to establish the ground rules. This helps all parties, whether a twosome, threesome or whatever. It cannot be assumed that nobody has limits. This guy was rude, took advantage of you, and you should (in the future) set the guidelines before going beyond meeting over a cup of coffee.