i wish i wasn't bi

[biblkman]

I've accepted my bisexuality about 3 years now, and sometimes it seems harder now, then when I suppressed my thoughts and desires.

I'm in a relationship with a women who I love very much, I came out to her when I stopped suppressing and accepted who I was.

We both have had same sex experience's which made it easier to come out to her. I think she's bi but she denies it. We have talked about 3somes with a bi chic (usually her idea) and swinging with a bi couple. But it never goes anywere. After a few drinks and we have sex, lately she has been very verbal about what she wants to do with a women and what she wants to see me do with a man. But the next day when I suggest finding some one she shuts down. So i leave it alone.

She says she's not bi and I leave it alone, but her denial is turning toward me, for instance.....I have a belt I were and yesterday she told me she doesn't like it on me cause it looks metro and it says I'm bi (figuratively). And this morning I was reading a post from this site about comming out to the kids. She asked me what was I reading, I told her and she said that gay site with an accusing tone I said yea. I've told her she should come and check out the site so she can get a better understanding of bisexuality but she won't.

Her and my mother are the only ones who know I'm bi. I'm tired of not being able to talk, laugh, about my bisexuality, I tired of feeling judged, I'm tired of this let's get freaky then later, let's not. If I wish I wasn't bi if I wasn't I wouldn't be sitting here regretting everything.

[fredtyg]

IAfter a few drinks and we have sex, lately she has been very verbal about what she wants to do with a women and what she wants to see me do with a man. But the next day when I suggest finding some one she shuts down. So i leave it alone.


I'd say that sounds like a classic suppressed bisexual. If she gets to drinking and it comes out, I think you're right.

That was the story of my life when I was younger. Although I'd engaged in homosexual acts when I was sober (as young as 10 years old), in my late teens and twenties, all the way into my 30s, I usually suppressed my homosexual desires because of the peer and societal pressures. Once I had a few beers in me, the homosexual in me nearly always came out and, if the opportunity presented itself, I'd end up fagging of with a guy.

Early on in my life, when I'd wake up the next day after a drunken homosexual affair, I'd feel both ashamed and some fear. Shame that I broke down and fagged off again. Fear, because I hoped nobody I knew would find out what I'd done.

I can proudly say, though, I never got verbally anti- homo because of my shame or fear. I kept it to myself.

I suspect your gal getting hostile toward bi and homo stuff the day after is the same sort of reaction to doing or thinking something she doesn't think she should be doing.

I don't know how you can break her cycle of wanting bisexual relations one day, then being totally against them the next. All I could tell her is that one of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn't recognize by bi/ homosexuality much earlier in life than I did. Too much time lost and too many possibly great experiences passed up because I couldn't bring myself to realize I was queer. I hate to see any younger person make the same mistake.

Good luck. I hope she comes around.

[Realist]

One thing you may not have considered is, she may have a fantasy that she really does not want to fulfill. She may enjoy thinking, or talking about doing it, but does not really want to actually do it.

That's not as uncommon as you think. Right here on the forum, how many times have you heard a guy say that he gets all excited thinking about tasting cum, but after he gets off, that's the fartherist thing from his mind?

Apparently she has been with at least one other women and if that was all that compelling, you'd think she'd want more.

I also have had fantasies that I got aroused over, but often didn't really want to do them.

Sounds to me like you and she need to do some private and very open discussion about this.

AND, about you wishing you weren't bi: Wishing it doesn't make it so. I've felt the same way and was in denial for many years. I hope you get this issue resolved, soon. I doubt if you'll ever be happy until you accept yourself the way you are.

Good luck!

[fredtyg]

One thing you may not have considered is, she may have a fantasy that she really does not want to fulfill. She may enjoy thinking, or talking about doing it, but does not really want to actually do it.


Wow! Hadn't thought of it that way. Don't know that I've ever had a fantasy I wouldn't want to fulfill under the right set of circumstances.

[abstruse_ric]

I'm not a psychologist but I suspect she feels your (and possibly her) bisexuality threatens the security of your relationship.

[fredtyg]

I'm not a psychologist but I suspect she feels your (and possibly her) bisexuality threatens the security of your relationship.

Assuming you're right, it sounds to me like she has it backwards. Looks like her denial of her bisexuality is threatening the relationship.

[iluvyngass]

:flag3:

Life is difficult. In my almost 63 years I have come to realize that we sometimes, without realizing it, add to those difficulties. Sometimes we think it is part of the cost of protecting ourselves. I am bi and I am just beginning to accept that fact for my own peace of mind and yes, sanity.

Wishing one was not gay, bi or even straight is like wishing that one was of a different nationality. I am convinced that we do not chose our sexual orientation just as we do not chose our parents or heritage.

It sounds as if your girl friend is angry at herself and really speaking to herself when she passes demeaning remarks to you. Step back when she does, does it really sound like she is speaking to herself?

Like I said, life is difficult.

[abstruse_ric]

Assuming you're right, it sounds to me like she has it backwards. Looks like her denial of her bisexuality is threatening the relationship.

That's certainly possible. My impression is that the aspect of bisexuality--since it necessarily introduces others into the bedroom--raises a threatening prospect for her, and that by denying her bisexuality she at least eliminates the threat coming from her side. This situation is actually fairly common among swingers. My only advice, such as it is, is to continually reassure her that a sexual encounter with another will not threaten the relationship. As many swingers are fond of saying: "I may have sex with someone else, but at the end of the night I leave with you."

[slipnslide]

Agree 100% on the life is difficult comment.

I've said before that I wish I could cut the bi part out of me and be done. I'm sure I'm far from alone in fretting over the problems my bisexuality *could* cause. It's a heterosexual world. I know someone with a gay son who still laughs at crude gay jokes thinking that I find it hilarious too since they assume I'm hetero. I try to play along, but inside I'm further reminded that dropping the facade will help me in no way and could potentially be damaging personally and professionally.

We're fodder for jokes, punchlines, and snide remarks.

We're "one of those".

We're called queers, fags, homos.

We're considered to be second-class citizens.

How does it feel to turn on the TV and see that some guy was beaten senseless because he dared to feel love for another man? It brings up fear in me. I doubt the "straight" crowd knows that fear.

Seems to me that most people pretend to be accepting because that's what they're told to do. In reality, they don't understand. The same way I don't really understand what it is like to be a muslim Canadian with accusatory glances everywhere I go. However, my bisexuality has made me so sympathetic to other marginalized groups.

I know there are only so many women who any particular guy has a chance of really clicking with. . .now try to find one you click with and will accept your sexuality. The prospect of a long sad solitary existence keeps me up some nights.

[BiBedBud]

What a coincidence! I wish I wasn’t bipedal.

Maybe I could be an elephant – a quadruped – with a really big penis and an even bigger trunk! Oh, the pleasuring I could do! Watch out for me then, ladies and gentlemen! Whoa!

Alright, alright, I’ll get serious…………..

In agreement with some things others have written above: Maybe your woman doesn’t want to face the reality that is creeping into your relationship, because she fears how it might change things between you.

If you want to move your relationship forward with her; and for you, ‘forward’ means inviting others into your sex life; understand that she might not view that as a step forward in her terms. Maybe she too, wants to take a step forward with you, but the next step she has in mind isn’t an MMF threesome (sadly).

I suggest that you explain to her, nay, demonstrate tangibly, perhaps with a ceremony or a ring, or some other signal of coupledom, that you want her in your future, if she can cut the hot/cold crap regarding bisexuality, and just enjoy the ride together on the road of life.

If she can’t discuss this with you like an adult, maybe she’s not in love with you the way you are in love with her. Maybe she needs you more than she loves you – many a timid heart has deceived its keeper in this way. Been there, felt that, and I feel for you, I really do.

Good luck – hope things work out for you. One way or another, I am sure they will.

[BI BOYTOY]

I know totaly what you mean.. dont know what to do about it though

[open2both]

You're screwed dude.
MOST wives/girlfriends (not all) need and INSIST on being her mate's ENDALL and BE-ALL and any "interest" her man shows outside is perceived as a threat and must be eliminated. This could be his passion for his classic car, favorite sports team, golf, fishing, dvd collection, etc. ..whatever. We'll see if she is REALLY your "forever after" or not.
It took me all my life to find a girl who accepts. me. My male encounters are few but I told her that I'll never give up men completely.
Good luck!

[bicurcple]

I somewhat understand your situation....my wife and I have been interested in being with the same sex for years but nothing ever comes of it. We love to talk about it in bed and have great sex playing out our fantasies to each other....It is not that we don't want to but we are somewhat nervous and we have three young children and no regular babysitter. My wife works on Friday and Saturday nights so it seems we never have the time. I would like to make a commitment to meet with a bi-man first, get a babysitter, and go through with it but she always comes up with a reason not to. She says she would like it to be "not planned and spontaneous" but we almost never go out so where would we spontaneously meet anyone? We live in an upscale area of town and we do alot with the school our kids attend so nobody and I mean nobody knows our interests....sometimes it bothers me because I have nobody to talk about it to except her. I feel your pain...sometimes I wish neither of us felt this way then it would not be an issue but the fact is we do so it is. Wish you the best of luck.

[niftyshellshock]

bicurple, it's those exclusive, high-end neighborhoods that hide the kinkiest folk around :p

[whatamess]

I'm new to this site, and I too struggle with wishing I wasn't bi...it makes life so complicated. I'm married and my wife knows. I came out a couple of years ago to her before we got married. I wanted her to make an honest decision about whether or not she really wanted to be with me. She's supportive of me finding a guy. We are in what you would call an open marriage, although neither of us has acted on it. My problem is, I do want to meet a guy and explore, but the ones I'm attracted to are usually friends, with significant others (women) and straight, or very closeted. I don't feel like I have the time or the patience to deal with that anymore, but pickings are slim. AND old habits are hard to break. I often connect with other guys and become good friends with them, and unfortunately I end up becoming attracted to them and obsessing about them alone. Many times it just leads to this bittersweetness in the relationship from my end. Can anyone relate here? Or am I once again alone in this? It's so frustrating...I wish I was just straight, life would be so much simpler.

[slipnslide]

I'm new to this site, and I too struggle with wishing I wasn't bi...it makes life so complicated. I'm married and my wife knows. I came out a couple of years ago to her before we got married. I wanted her to make an honest decision about whether or not she really wanted to be with me. She's supportive of me finding a guy. We are in what you would call an open marriage, although neither of us has acted on it. My problem is, I do want to meet a guy and explore, but the ones I'm attracted to are usually friends, with significant others (women) and straight, or very closeted. I don't feel like I have the time or the patience to deal with that anymore, but pickings are slim. AND old habits are hard to break. I often connect with other guys and become good friends with them, and unfortunately I end up becoming attracted to them and obsessing about them alone. Many times it just leads to this bittersweetness in the relationship from my end. Can anyone relate here? Or am I once again alone in this? It's so frustrating...I wish I was just straight, life would be so much simpler.

If it was medically possible, say by taking a pill, to become 100% straight would you take it?

[BiBedBud]

If it was medically possible, say by taking a pill, to become 100% straight would you take it?

I would take half the pill and see how that goes. :bigrin:

[silentboxer]

Well i'd try to drop it cause i had a 8 month relationship that ended this July (still hurting) and 5months in i told her about my homosexual past and she had a hard time accepting it (crying, holding it in ,etc). So overall i'd suggest hiding it.

[Long Duck Dong]

I have mentioned in the past in the site, my own desire to not be bisexual....

where people confuse it, is they automatically think I would want to be straight.... actually the truth is I would perfer to be non sexual.....
platonic relationships work fine for me.... sex is what causes the issues and problems...

I have to admit to developing a real hatred of my own bisexual desires in a relationship as it tends to lead to a situation of me seeing my partner as my partner and other people as pieces of meat for the fucking..... and thats something that goes against my nature....

thats not a dig at others, its my own personal way of thinking.... I am not a casual sex / hook up type person and using people for sex is not something I could handle that well.........

so I may be the only one in the site.... but yeah.... I would rather be non sexual than bisexual....

[fredtyg]

Well i'd try to drop it cause i had a 8 month relationship that ended this July (still hurting) and 5months in i told her about my homosexual past and she had a hard time accepting it (crying, holding it in ,etc). So overall i'd suggest hiding it.

I'd suggest that if she had that hard a time with your homosexual past, it probably wasn't a good relationship to continue in the first place.

Can you imagine being a bi or homosexual and being in a long term relationship with someone that was totally offended by same sex relationships? We've heard from people in similar situations here before. It's probably best to cut your losses and end the relationship before there's more to be lost.

[Robinium]

Can you imagine being a bi or homosexual and being in a long term relationship with someone that was totally offended by same sex relationships? We've heard from people in similar situations here before. It's probably best to cut your losses and end the relationship before there's more to be lost.

I once made this mistake. Never. Again.

[darkeyes]

Can you imagine being a bi or homosexual and being in a long term relationship with someone that was totally offended by same sex relationships? We've heard from people in similar situations here before. It's probably best to cut your losses and end the relationship before there's more to be lost.

I can imagine it ok, but whether its best to cut losses depends on the status of the relationship, how one lives with one's sexuality and just how much feeling one has for the partner... sexuality is extremely important but its not necessarily the MOST important factor in a relationship.. such are the travails of falling in love.

[dafydd]

in my experience telling girls at bars that i'm bi is almost guaranteed to make them fancy me more. i tend to sleep with a lot of girls i meet out at night if they take an interest in my bisexuality. however i am not into 3somes and would never want to share a girl with a guy.

love being bi. u should 2!

d

[darkeyes]

in my experience telling girls at bars that i'm bi is almost guaranteed to make them fancy me more. i tend to sleep with a lot of girls i meet out at night if they take an interest in my bisexuality. however i am not into 3somes and would never want to share a girl with a guy.

love being bi. u should 2!

d

We should all revel in our sexuality Daffy no matter what it is... a pity then that as yet the world isnt quite ready for all of us to be able to do that...

[dafydd]

We should all revel in our sexuality Daffy no matter what it is... a pity then that as yet the world isnt quite ready for all of us to be able to do that...


let's not play victim. that's not an excuse.
i think that, the more 'out' we are, the easier being 'out' is.
we need to take responsibility for our visibility...

darkeyes....want to give u a big old kiss xxx:three:

d

[darkeyes]

let's not play victim. that's not an excuse.
i think that, the more 'out' we are, the easier being 'out' is.
we need to take responsibility for our visibility...

darkeyes....want to give u a big old kiss xxx:three:

d

Who is playing the victim? I agree with you but we live with the reality of our society and its people as it is.. changing that reality is what we are about.

..kiss away daffy darlin'.. jus not too slobbery.. *giggles*.

*Snogs Daffy*