Anti-bi Spite from Gays

[danreidbarmi]

I am a married, bi author (4 published books), facing the awful specter of coming out to my wife of more than 20 yrs. I know that my frequent anonymous encounters with men over the last decade have put my health (both physical and mental), my wife's health, my career, and everything we have in serious jeopardy. But, I can't stop. It will be painful and traumatic, but I have to come clean.

As I did when my dear brother passed away unexpectedly last fall, I am "writing my way" through this difficult period. This time, it's taking the form of a memoir-in-progress, which I am publishing chapter-by-chapter on my website under a nom de plume, Dan Reid Barmi (acronym for married and bi).

When I posted on a certain gay forum, I was pummeled with hateful responses from out gay men. One wanted to "stab me in the face with a broken screwdriver." Anyone else felt the wrath of anti-bi spite from gays?

[Realist]

Dan, I've found acceptance and rejection in different locations. I presently live in a location where I hold my personal life very close to my chest. Conservative family members, a local strong anti gay/bisexual sentiment, and a natural instinct to be secretive about my personal life, dictates extreme discretion.

I also found myself in the position of having to come out to a spouse and that's one of the most traumatic things I ever had to deal with. You never know how that'll turn out, either. In my case, it was the end of my marriage. Luckily, there was no children, which made coming out millions of times easier.

A friend, who came out to her husband, had no problems at all. He accepted her bisexuality and it appears that other than the initial shock, there were no ramifications, period.

I'm sure how you approach the issues at hand will have a huge impact on the results. Good luck with that!

By the way, Welcome to the site!

[slipnslide]

What was the context of the screwdriver comment? What brought it on?

So far the worst comment I've received from a gay guy was that "at some point you have to choose". Again, another of those "bi today gay tomorrow" type of people. I tried to explain that there's no choice to be made, I am what I am.

[**Peg**]

.... Anyone else felt the wrath of anti-bi spite from gays?

wow !

ponder this: their spite may have nothing whatsoever to do with your sexuality, rather it may have everything to do with your lack of personal integrity, your dishonesty and your self-indulgent need to purge your conscience now, while no doubt destroying your wife, your marriage and your career.

you had no problem keeping your other life secret all these years....why stop now? shame on you! Perhaps you should confess to a man of the cloth.

FYI: disclaimer: my comments above DO NOT apply to my bi men friends who are struggling... they apply specifically to arrogance.

JMO :2cents:

[Pasadenacpl2]

Peg is right that lying and cheating are wrong. She is wrong, however, advocating to continue that. Yes, the revelation might hurt your wife, but she deserves to know. We must all be given the opportunity to consent. She hasthe right to either stay or go based on all of the info. Denying her consent is a wrong far greater than any damage the truth might cause. This is a case where doing the right thing will suck. But it is still the right thing to do.

Pasa

[Robinium]

Peg is right that lying and cheating are wrong. She is wrong, however, advocating to continue that. Yes, the revelation might hurt your wife, but she deserves to know. We must all be given the opportunity to consent. She hasthe right to either stay or go based on all of the info. Denying her consent is a wrong far greater than any damage the truth might cause. This is a case where doing the right thing will suck. But it is still the right thing to do.

Pasa

Agree. Even more so if you engage in unsafe, risky sexual behavior and might end up giving your wife an awful STD without her knowing that there's any risk for her. She may get rid of you one day, but HIV etc. will stay. :2cents:

[littlerayofsunshine]

I don't think all gays despise bisexuals.

Bisexuals, have sort of a bad rap and have been stereotyped.
many bisexuals do live out that self fulfilling prophecy that has earned us rejection and invisibility.

I am sure that when one of us has been that stereotype and goes 'Hi how do ya do?' they feel they know us already.

but for those that take the time to get to know us individually and not allow the "whole" to represent us, then their views begin to see a single bisexual individuals and not a group of stark raving nympho confused selfish closeted people.

*shrugs*

I've come across 'set in stone' gays that won't change their mind, but i don't allow that group to represent all of the gays i have known or come across.

[darkeyes]

It must be slag a gay week this past week... plenty heavy threads on what shits we are and how we all hate our bisexual kin... do love it when the innocent use a paintbrush..:)

[Pasadenacpl2]

It's human nature to paint with too broad a brush. And, just like any group large enough, doing so it a bad thing. However...

It's also an issue that the gay "community" needs to address because it is prevalent, and increasingly vocal. And as long as it does not, you will continue to see threads like this. I place the choice on the gay "community."

Pasa

[tenni]

I have read on other sites such hatred from some gay men. Other gay men do not think that way at all. I suspect that it is more a reflection about that particular gay man/men and their own journey. It seems that some have had sexual relations with guys who are bi. The gay man had romantic aspirations while the biguy was only interested in sex. I don't know why but the gay guy(s) seem to ignore that. Other bimen seem to get into romantic relationships with gay men and all is fine though. Was the gay guy a young or older person? I find more mature (cough older) gay men to be rather tolerant and have a balanced understanding/acceptance towards bisexuals. Although even some of them will throw up the "bi" comment to put you down at times...even jokingly one has to wonder. Generally, most mature gay people are more tolerant though.

I also would like to point out that you have just experienced what i see as bigotry from our own posters. Those who protest about others who chose not to openly discuss it with their partners are exhibiting a form of bigotry from my perspective. However, there is no denying that they do write the truth to some extent. Many married bi men do live their lives without telling their wives though and no diseases are spread etc. Just as the gay men should not make such hateful statements, bi and hetero posters need to be careful with their judgments without knowing all the factors about disclosure to wives (just my less than humble perspective though).

One size does not fit all whether it is a gay, bi or hetero person.

[void()]

It must be slag a gay week this past week... plenty heavy threads on what shits we are and how we all hate our bisexual kin... do love it when the innocent use a paintbrush..:)

ROFLMAO&FITBPD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave it to you to break the maudlin of exhaustion, frustration with but a simple bit of wit. Thank you, luv. ((((( Fran )))))

[Pasadenacpl2]

I also would like to point out that you have just experienced what i see as bigotry from our own posters. Those who protest about others who chose not to openly discuss it with their partners are exhibiting a form of bigotry from my perspective. However, there is no denying that they do write the truth to some extent. Many married bi men do live their lives without telling their wives though and no diseases are spread etc. Just as the gay men should not make such hateful statements, bi and hetero posters need to be careful with their judgments without knowing all the factors about disclosure to wives (just my less than humble perspective though).

Your partner has a right to make an informed decision as to whether they can accept who and what you are. They also have a right to make an informed decision whether to have sex with you knowing that you are having sex with others (no matter what gender).

Your right to be gay does not supercede their right to informed consent. That's not bigotry. It's a defense of rights of spouses.

Pasa

[MarieDelta]

Pasa,

Have to admit I am comoing to the conclusion that to be accepted requires acceptance. As long as the GLBT community fights amongst itself for individual, not collective, rights we will never be accepted by society.

I have you to thank for that.

We act like a poorly strung together collective of people whose only common interest is political.

Gays & Lesbians hate bi's , Bi's hate trans and gays, lesbians, straight trans hate gays and bi's (and even other transpeople).

With this much hate floating around it's a wonder we can even function.

[Pasadenacpl2]

(((((Marie))))) :)

Pasa

[tenni]

Pasa
The bigotry aspect is to make a judgment that is wide and broad without really knowing all the factors regardless of the statement. The gay man who is stating that a knife(whatever) should be put into a bisexual man is just as bigoted. The biman has done nothing to the gay man. You and others do not know all the various factors that every single biman who has not told his wife is dealing with. You are making too broad a statement just like the gay man..fortunately though not violent. It may be a good idea generally to disclose but not compulsory the best in every single case. I'm happy for you that your disclosure to your wife has turned out positive though.

However, I also know a biman who would be killed if he told his wife about his bisexuality. She wouldn't do it but some in the family would. He lives in my country that also has same sex marriage. Honour killings happen here. You did not disclose under that possibility that you would be killed did you? We don't live in a country where you will be executed for being bi or gay. Some people do though.

[MaybeSayMaybe]

It just blows my mind how much meanness there is in this world, including the meanness towards oneself called self loathing. I wish there was a simple answer, but these social factors have always been around.

A lot of the things being described here are really character issues. When all else fails, improve your own character first. This applies to everyone.

By the way, most of the self loathing out there comes from people who would force others into minorities that represent their deepest fears in life.

[darkeyes]

It's human nature to paint with too broad a brush. And, just like any group large enough, doing so it a bad thing. However...

It's also an issue that the gay "community" needs to address because it is prevalent, and increasingly vocal. And as long as it does not, you will continue to see threads like this. I place the choice on the gay "community."

Pasa

That it needs to be addressed Pasa I have no doubt.. I don't accept its prevalence, but it is all too common.. and I don't accept that it is increasingly vocal.. but nor do I dismiss the seriousness of the situation and that the LGBT movement as a whole needs to do much to foster understanding between its various sub groups.. like any progressive organisation made up of a loose alliance of interest groups, there will always be differences on how we see things.. there is often intolerance of other groups and even within a sub group...

There is much anti bisexual feeling among gay men and women, but equally there is much among bisexual men and women of gays.. and within both groups of transexuals.. all people of the LGBT movement have to ask themselves not always "What can I do to make others understand who and what I am", but at the very least equally, "What can I do to increase my understanding of those who are not like me?"

The choice is not alone with the Gay community.. it is with us all...:)

[tenni]

Darkeyes
I am increasingly coming to believe that there is no GLBT community. I do not see enough commonality for this union or at least in my country. I don't know if the time has passed in my country for such a combination of rather disconnected groups (except that they are not hetero) or if the two more politically vocal sections ignore or as some have stated do not understand/accept the other two. Certainly, some positive things have happened from the GL activism for bisexuals but I'm not sure that bisexuals have really been able to articulate their issues that remain unresolved. I have gay friends but I also can sense my differences in beliefs from gay activists when I hear them speak socially. I can sense when someone is expressing "too gay" ideas that I can not identify with. I know that some gays feel the same way about some gay politics. There is still intolerance and I wonder if it ever will vanish. Societies seem to ebb and flow with tolerance and then go backwards?

[darkeyes]

The lgbt community exists ok Tenni.. incredibly loose and diverse and often at odds with itself.. LGBT groups exist in cities and towns all over the world, in universities and colleges.. in trade unions.. on the internet...the members of this site are a part of it, and I am not speaking simply of the people who are Gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.. I include all the straight people who are on site, and around the world who support the rights of those who wish the freedom to be as they wish, and to love or have sex with whom they wish and not be considered abominations and perverts.. even those who are secretly gay or bisexual or who believe themselves trapped in a body which is not theirs and who never ever mention it to a soul are a part of this community.. as long as one each of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered person exists, and one straight person who supports and believes in our aims and right to be.. we are and shall remain a community of human beings within the greater community of humanity.

That we should be closer, and more understanding, accepting and tolerant of differences between ourselves is undeniable.. yet if there is no such thing as a lgbt community.. how then have we as lgbt people made the huge progress we have over the last half century? Why is it that in much of the western world at least, gay marriage or civil unions exist to allow same sex couples the same rights as straight? Lgbt people lobby parliaments for change, organise against the prejudiced and continue to fight for improvements in the rights of people such as ourselves, to change attitudes of the intolerant.. all that required community organisation and finance.. and all over the western world at least.. and it was organisations of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people who have worked tirelessly for that.. and the more enlightened within the straight community.. sure in many places, even in the west, the lgbt movement is pretty thin on the ground.. but we are there nonetheless.. but where we are strong and do have influence, and we do, we do not argue and campaign simply for ourselves, but for those who are in isolated parts of the world who do feel so terribly alone.. we fight for their rights too.. if we were not a community, where did all that organisation and finance come from? All that progress? If left alone to their own devices, do you honestly believe that the heterosxual world would have done it off their own bat?

[tenni]

"if we were not a community, where did all that organisation and finance come from? All that progress? If left alone to their own devices, do you honestly believe that the heterosxual world would have done it off their own bat?"

Darkeyes
I agree with much that you write but I do not see bisexuals playing much of a role or their issues being dealt with. I may be ignorant though. I do not understand what bisexual issues are being dealt with...or even what bisexual issues there are?

Certainly, heteros would not have done anything but resist same sex marriages, work force equity, survivor pension benefits etc. The conservatism spreading through my country presently is taking funding away from such organizations that try to deal with inequity for women and LG. I won't include bisexuals in such a group until I have a better understanding as to how such political activism has actually dealt with a bisexual issue or what the heck these bisexual issues are? I'm on a supposed bisexual website where I read more about transexual issues than bisexual issues? I read about the difficulty of bisexual men in marriages and sophmoric solutions about talk to your wife etc. I read nothing about how to really create tolerance for poly relations as a solution for bisexuality in society. I do not read "we should do this for bisexuals" here. If we bisexuals can not come to agreement what bisexual issues are not being dealt with I guess that we can not expect gay activists to do anything about it..cuz few bis will probably step forward...prolly....lol

[darkeyes]

Being bisexual Tenni involves an element of homosexuality... being actively bisexual involves homosexual activity... start from there and work it out...

Why the community remains together, argumentative and suspicuous of each other part of it, Tenni, is because of a general acceptance that for progress to continue, we are much stronger together than as seperate entities.. and those who argue for seperation argue for progress not simply to came to a shuddering halt, but for the gear to be put into reverse... the prejudiced would love it... divide, rule and destroy... no thank you very much....

[tenni]

Darkeyes
Yes, it involves aspects of homosexuality for those of us who are actively bisexual rather than in mixed orientation relationships and not practising bisexuals.

It differs from homosexuality as well. We, bisexuals, seem yet to clarify how we are unique. Many of us (myself included) do not wish to be actively political. Even though I am a political being, I have no clear thoughts as to what bisexuals need politically. It is not just same sex marriage as that would work for those bisexuals in a same sex relationship living as gay partners. It is not mixed orientation relations where the partners are monogamous as they do not need this political action.

Maybe, bisexuals have no political needs? So, why belong to this co alition? Maybe I should belong to the wankers,sluts and tarts co alition...:) Hell, some bisexuals say bis like me give bisexuals a bad name...lol

[BiCycler]

Tenni, for you and anyone else who's interested.... I read this and then went hunting and learned about how bisexuals are playing a role and issues are being dealt with.

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3241

:flag2::rainbow:

[darkeyes]

Darkeyes
Yes, it involves aspects of homosexuality for those of us who are actively bisexual rather than in mixed orientation relationships and not practising bisexuals.

It differs from homosexuality as well. We, bisexuals, seem yet to clarify how we are unique. Many of us (myself included) do not wish to be actively political. Even though I am a political being, I have no clear thoughts as to what bisexuals need politically. It is not just same sex marriage as that would work for those bisexuals in a same sex relationship living as gay partners. It is not mixed orientation relations where the partners are monogamous as they do not need this political action.

Maybe, bisexuals have no political needs? So, why belong to this co alition? Maybe I should belong to the wankers,sluts and tarts co alition...:) Hell, some bisexuals say bis like me give bisexuals a bad name...lol

Tenni me darlin', break up the loose coalition tween gays bi's an transpeeps.. an u wud soon realise wot political needs u wud lose....:)

[tenni]

BiCycler

Thanks for the link. As I read the article I found it interesting. This Robin is living in a same sex marriage and arguing that sexuality is not binary. However, she is promoting a binary concept with the same sex marriage factor. I'm in favour of same sex marriages but I do believe that bisexuality requires options be promoted beyond a binary coupledom marriage. She does not touch upon that aspect at all but seems to promote binary relationships. She and many posters here seem to be hung up on this binary aspect of closed couple relationships. Now, this is only my personal bias and perspective though. I would write and agree that no, she does not speak for all bisexuals. She seems to speak for a more gay perspective if she sees bisexuals in this binary manner. She provided not one word about any poly aspects for bisexual relationships.

As far as bisexuals being invisible to hetero and gays, I think that there has been a lot of more open discussion in society but I would wager that many hetero women do perceive bisexual men as gay. On the other hand with the more open discussion in society, I think that some are more open to exploring their sexuality. So bisexuality is not as invisible but not really promoted as an option. That may be continuing to change though. I am unclear as to what bisexuals needs are and so I can not expect gay people to include our perspective until we bisexuals get it clear. We may not be invisible to gays but we are not important to them. I do not expect them to see bisexuals as important either though.

I think that the poster who stated that gays hate "cheaters" is reinforcing a binary perspective for bisexuals. He is perpetuating this binary aspect of relationships to some degree but I can not totally disagree with him either...confused me sometimes...lol

[danreidbarmi]

Dan the gay men don't hate you because you're bisexual but because you've lied to your wife and cheated on her for all of these years.

There's a difference between being open and honest to your spouse about your sexuality and keeping it a secret like you're doing.

FYI most people are not OK with anyone lying and cheating on their spouse.

Gay men and lesbians do not hate bisexuals and many do understand bisexuality despite what people here are lying and saying against gay men and lesbian women.

First, thank you all for jumping in on this discussion. And let me make this perfectly clear: I know what I've been doing is wrong, wrong, wrong. I have no intention of defending my behavior. However, I have painted myself into a pretty dark corner here, and I would think that someone would have enough forgiveness and compassion to encourage me to finally do the right thing.

The shock to me is this: Coming from such a traditionally promiscuous culture (the gay culture), where does all this holier-than-thou attitude come from? Admittedly, I'm a philanderer of the worst kind. But, who is so perfect that they can pass judgment on another human being? -- especially when that person is trying to reach out for some help to change his ways. I saw it happen more than once on that particular forum, a gang of bitter queens who jump on any guy who confesses to being married and bi. It's not just disapproval, but a vehemence that is cruel and vicious.

Some of my best friends are gay. Most of them don't know about my double life (I'm sure some suspect that I have homosexual tendencies, but that's another issue altogether). The two close gay friends with whom I've discussed my dilemma have both been helpful and supportive, because they know me and love me. Finally, I do not claim to be the victim in this scenario. My wife is the ultimate victim. Unlike other married/bi men, I have never used a gay lover by stringing him along. All of my dangerous dalliances have been completely consensual and have usually ended with a "Thanks, I needed that." Still, I take full responsibility for my questionable decisions. In my defense, my behavior has often been compulsive, which is completely out of my control. I can' tell you how many times I've promised this time will be the last time. Still, regardless of whether some people hate me for what I've done in the past, I am trying to make my future more open and honest, even tho it will very likely be much more painful.

[tenni]

Good for you dan! Best of fortune and I hope that your discussions with your wife lead to a positive resolution. Your comment about your actions being a "compulsion" is significant in my view. Repression and fear are destructive to bisexual men in mixed orientation relationships with monosexual women.

[ninetythree]

I am a married, bi author (4 published books), facing the awful specter of coming out to my wife of more than 20 yrs. I know that my frequent anonymous encounters with men over the last decade have put my health (both physical and mental), my wife's health, my career, and everything we have in serious jeopardy. But, I can't stop. It will be painful and traumatic, but I have to come clean.

You definitely should tell your wife. You can't have a healthy relationship with a partner unless (until) you are being fully honest with them. If you have gotten to this point without getting an STD or giving her one, consider yourself a lot more fortunate than other men in your situation.

[tenni]

Statistics show that over 60% of US men will have an affair outside of their relationships at one point in their life and 40% of US women will do the same.

[danreidbarmi]

This coming weekend, my wife and I are driving our daughter to move her into her freshman college dorm. I told my therapist that I was thinking of having "the talk" with my wife on the way home. As she and I will be in the car together for at least 8 hrs, it would give us a chance to really talk the whole thing through (then again, I might find myself on the highway hitchhiking back home).

On the other hand, Mom (and Dad, too) are already gonna be pretty emotional about our only child flying from the nest. I wonder if this plan loads too much life-changing stuff on my wife all at once. (On the third hand, maybe considering that is just trying to procrastinate just a little bit longer.)

Please understand this: my wife and I have a wonderful friendship (notwithstanding my dishonesty and extra-curricular activities), and I really don't want our marriage to end; but I know that continuing the status quo will put me in a straight jacket (no pun intended) and my continuing compulsive behavior will only increase the chance of me bringing home a contagion that she certainly doesn't deserve.

We are good friends, supportive of each other, affectionate, etc. In fact, we still like each other a whole lot. After I reveal the skeleton in my closet, I doubt if she's gonna still like me in the same as she has for the 30 yrs we've known one another. But, because I am determined to live a more honest and open life, I am willing to face that, along with the possibility that she will want to end our marriage. (Even typing this brings a pain in my gut and a tear to my eye.)

Once again, I know I am not the victim here. I take complete responsibility for the situation I've created. But, your support and advice would be most appreciated.

[csrakate]

Please don't tell your wife about your secret life on the way from dropping off your daughter at college. She's going to be upset enough about the change in her life as it is....adding this bit of information will just be too much at once.

[Realist]

She might just haul off and knock a couple of your teeth out, too!

At 65 mph, that could cause a real mess!

[danreidbarmi]

danreidbarmi if you really actually do care about your wife and love her then tell her the truth and do not lie and say how you've never cheated on her.

Tell her while you are driving home during the 8 hour trip as you have it planned out to tell her then.

She has a right to know about your sexuality and your cheating on her.

You should have told her this when you were dating or before you were married.

March Hare: How pompous and self-righteous can you possibly be? Of course my wife has a right to know about my sexuality. That's exactly what I'm talking and writing about. But, she doesn't need to know every bloody detail. That would be rubbing her nose in it, being deliberately cruel.

And, you have no right to tell me what I should have done. FYI, when I married my wife, I was sure she already knew (as she was close friends with my first wife, with whom I was open, and who told her all the dirt about me). At that time, I thought I had put the "bi" phase of my life behind me. I was absolutely straight and faithful for years, before my homosexual compulsions gradually returned and my behavior became more and more risky. No question that I certainly should have come out to her earlier. But, better late than never.

Regarding telling her on the way back from dropping the kid off at college, it's a perfect opportunity. But, it might be mean to add another huge life-changing blow at such a sensitive time. And you have no basis for assuming that, if I don't drop the bomb then, I'll never do it. That's just another example of your unbelievable arrogance. I will come out to my wife. In fact, I can't finish my book until I do; and, regardless of whether anyone else cares or not, I want to know how the story turns out.

The rest of you, thanks for your support and advise. March Hare is welcome to keep his or her holier-than-thou crap to him- or herself.

[darkeyes]

danreidbarmi why are you acting like you're completely innocent?

You lied to your wife and cheated on her for years and want sympathy for it now? Buddy you brought this onto yourself by knowing that you're bisexual and never telling your wife at all, keeping it a secret and cheating on your wife who you supposedly love and care for.

Your post is showing nothing but more procrastination, lying, and staying closeted.

Either be honest with her like you should have been from the start or stay closeted and in misery for the rest of your life.

Telling her that you cheated on her is not telling her every bloody detail.

Since you've been sexually active with other people--without her knowledge she needs to know this and even though you were having just sex with other people and not romance she needs to know that you haven't been faithful.

Man up, grow some balls, and come out to your wife like you planned.

I am not trying to excuse Dan anything but u really are an odious little man. He is trying to get advice about the best way to proceed about something for which he has a conscience and feels shame and u try and gut him. It isnt helpful to anyone... U should be ashamed yourself, but I really dont expect much compassion, help or common sense from one who is as mad as...

..all I say to you is.... there but for the Grace of god go I...

[ninetythree]

Of course my wife has a right to know about my sexuality. That's exactly what I'm talking and writing about. But, she doesn't need to know every bloody detail. That would be rubbing her nose in it, being deliberately cruel.

Your wife is likely to ask you a lot of questions and pin you down on specifics. That's what a cheated-on spouse does in that situation, and I say that from experience.

When you tell her, you have to be prepared to tell her everything in all the level of detail she wants to know. That's how this stuff generally goes.


Regarding telling her on the way back from dropping the kid off at college, it's a perfect opportunity. But, it might be mean to add another huge life-changing blow at such a sensitive time.

I don't want to sound harsh, but that seems like an exceptionally cruel time to tell her. Sending a kid to college for the first time is an emotionally painful experience for many parents -- I just had a friend go through that and she was surprised at how much she cried.

That weekend should be about you and your wife as parents together of a kid leaving the nest.

Also, when my wife told me, I was so emotionally shaken I could barely walk. I would not have wanted to be in a car eight hours from home.

I think you should tell her as soon as possible. But your plan of doing it during the college trip seems like a bad one to me.

[ninetythree]

danreidbarmi asked for advice. He shouldn't complain when he gets replies and advice that he does not like or agree with.

You're being offensive. If you can't offer advice without being so ridiculously harsh to the guy, perhaps you should find another discussion.

[ninetythree]

Statistics show that over 60% of US men will have an affair outside of their relationships at one point in their life and 40% of US women will do the same.

That stat seems pretty bogus to me. The word "relationships" could mean anything from a long-term marriage to a couple of kids dating in high school.

[darkeyes]

Whoever said that it was going to be easy?

I'm not the only person here who has posted how he should come out to his wife because she has a right to know that he's sexually active with other people besides her and not monogamous.

danreidbarmi asked for advice. He shouldn't complain when he gets replies and advice that he does not like or agree with.

It isn't the advice that is the problem, but the manner in which it is offered..

[Hephaestion]

Why not try to distance yourself from your current resumption of homosexuality. Give it a while and then after a lengthy (how long?) bout of abstinence come clean then. There will be no immediate 'competition' to deal with and the opportunity will be there to discuss your interests with men.

I cannot see it anywhere on the thread but have you thought about 'role' playing games if you like being a bottom?

[ErosUrge]

Please don't tell your wife about your secret life on the way from dropping off your daughter at college. She's going to be upset enough about the change in her life as it is....adding this bit of information will just be too much at once.

I can't agree more. But my, there is so much more to say here. I am so tired of all the self-righteous and arrogant attitudes here. Here is a person who is spilling his soul out to all of us, and needs support. He's made it so very clear his guilt, etc and some can only come here to bash away. It is so typical. Dan will deal with this it is obvious and is doing his best to do so, but there are certain individuals that demand that he do it the way they prescribe. He's not running away from it; rather he's revealing it. Let him choose his way. It's not your life March Hare and not your place to dictate how it should be. I am always amazed at how people demand how things should be done according to their agenda; what their belief system is.

In reality, Dan has made it quite clear that he will deal with this and will reveal it all. Let him do it as he wishes; not as others would dictate it. The truth is what the truth is; not as I or March Hare or anyone else thinks it is. I am not a practicing Christian in the common sense and though I continually refer to this Gospel it rings loud and true: "He or She who is without sin, cast the first stone". I mean really....give the man some room. He never said he would not deal with it.

There has been so much discussed on this topic....and I found myself agreeing with Tenni and also with Darkeyes; both with legitimate arguments....though I did find myself leaning more towards Tenni's comments.

As Darkeyes said, with all the flaws of the LGBT community, there has been progress made for all of us. Yet at the same time, I agree with Tenni as I have also had negative experiences within the same 'community'. Too often I find nothing from the LGBT community that does anything to progress the needs of bisexuals. And I also can relate to the fact that I don't have an interest in jumping into a circle of some kind of political agenda to have a place in society. Perhaps I am absolutely mistaken here, but I am not convinced that society at large will ever be swayed within my lifetime to accept bisexuality; mine or anyone else's. With the risk of this sounding so apathetic, I am not convinced that anyone can ever move things for bisexuals acceptance on a broad scale. People will choose to think and believe whatever they will. At the same time, it's not to say that nothing good has not ever come of people working together for a cause as it most certainly has and there's plenty of evidence to support this.

It's so sad that some come here to pounce upon someone who is truly doing his best to come clean. And I have no doubt that Dan will. I understand too how others have commented in defense of his wife as I too have been in her shoes and know what it feels like to hear that the person you love has been off doing things with others; it hurts...damn right it does. But the reality of what has happened has happened. Perhaps with a bit more of compassion we can all heal and quit condemning others for weaknesses we too have in other ways. It's always so easy to condemn others whilst turning a blind eye to our own inadequacies.