It was difficult but I did it anyway...

[Mimi]

Who here has come out to someone important in their life who you knew would have a really hard time with it (due to religion or conservatism or other) but you did it anyway? I'd like to hear about how you did it and how things are going now.

Two years ago I did the most difficult disclosing when I told my parents. They've stopped saying mean things to me, but they are still struggling. I also told my favorite aunt yesterday over e-mail and am very very nervous awaiting her response... :oh:

Mimi :flag1:

[codybear3]

Hi Mimi...As with all beings, each person reacts according to thier upbringing, beliefs and thier hardwiring...I have been fortunate by having most people who know about me to be positive. I don't have a support club but I don't have people giving me grief either. Maybe it has something to do with my size... :bigrin: :paw: :paw:

[innaminka]

Firstly my husband.
secondly my sister.

Basically they're the only ones.
Not easy in either case.

My oldest daughter has strong suspicions I'm "different"
That will be hell. Yet to come.

[PeterH]

Hi Mimi,

congratulations on your courage for this difficult coming out!
As an alternative perspective: I haven't told one of my sisters and her husband, because I know his attitudes towards gays are very negative. But also, I don't feel the need to do it. I never talk about relationships with them, and the few times I've tried, I did not get a very friendly response, so why bother. If my life changes in such a way that I get a male partner, which they would meet, I'll tell them.
So really, I'm not that concerned to inform them. I don't see the practical relevance of it, so I don't see why I ought to tell them. With all the people I have told, I do talk about relationships, so it's useful for them to know.
For others: I'm not going to hide it, but I'm not that eager to tell either. If an appropriate time comes up, I will tell. If not, that's ok too.
Just my :2cents: , Peter

[Bothbi_cpl813]

this was difficult and bad news for me......... Jerry that is..... I told my family about 10 years ago that I was a Bisexual. Well, they were all dumb-founded, on how i became a homosexual. their words not mine. And to this day haven;t spoke to me, no christmas cards, B-day cards, no phone calls, nothing.

So in the next life, I will not disclose it. or hopefully have a more openminded family.

[Mimi]

Originally Posted by PeterH:
As an alternative perspective: I haven't told one of my sisters and her husband, because I know his attitudes towards gays are very negative. But also, I don't feel the need to do it. I never talk about relationships with them, and the few times I've tried, I did not get a very friendly response, so why bother.

i can see your hesitation. i feel that way about telling some other relatives. i guess i wanted to tell my aunt b/c i've told her about my dissertation topic and she might come to my graduation. plus, i do so much work related to bi issues that if i don't tell her, then i'm really not sharing a lot of myself. so it's more than just "in the bedroom" stuff -- i have tons of books on it, have many LGBT friends, i've taken many trips with gfs, and haven't had a bf in a very long time.

thanks to those that have replied so far. anyone else have a difficult coming-out story to share?

mimi :flag1:

[Iowabiguy]

this was difficult and bad news for me......... Jerry that is..... I told my family about 10 years ago that I was a Bisexual. Well, they were all dumb-founded, on how i became a homosexual. their words not mine. And to this day haven;t spoke to me, no christmas cards, B-day cards, no phone calls, nothing.

So in the next life, I will not disclose it. or hopefully have a more openminded family.

How very very sad!!! I wouldn't know what to do without my family. On the other hand I still have only told my sister and one of my step-daughters. She is especially cool with it. My four brothers do not know and one of them would certainly not speak to me again. He is ULTRA-CONSERVATIVE!!!
I hope that someday you are able to bridge the differences with your family. I also hope that you are not so completely soured to coming-out that you continue to believe that the next life won't have more accepting and loving families.
I take a deep breath and sigh at the thought of coming out to my family but since I have come out to so many friends I am beginning to believe that it won't matter once my family knows because I will have a safety net already in place.

[Sparks]

Mimi,
Of course I'm out to all of you people here. And, in my heart of hearts I'd love to be out in the real world. But in my profession, it would be a disaster. Insofar as my family goes, there is no trouble there. With the exception of my daughter, they have all passed away and I see no need to express my orientation with her.

Actually there is an interesting twist to this relationship. I'm my sister's daughter's father. As a therapist I sense that you understand what I mean. To the rest of my friends here, what that means is that I legally adopted my neice.

When my sister passed away, no one was willing to take care of this beautiful little girl. Not her father, or my other sibling. Grandpa advized that we just turn her over to the court and let them make the appropriate decision. I just couldn't do that Mimi.

She's 28 now. A graduate from UCLA and is a High School teacher (English) here in Simi. I'm so proud of her, as I know how proud your parents are of you. Hell, I don't even really know you, yet I'm so happy to see you set your goals high, and follow all of your dreams. You go girl!

So, back to the point. Should I ever be romantically involved with a woman again, yes I will tell her how I feel. But to the rest of the world, it's none of their business. Take good care Mimi.

[Nara_lovely]

When in late teens I found it tough to tell friends; they saw me as such a secure and crazy individual, so were not that surprised. It was fun to see the 'penny' drop when they looked back at things that happened or what was said. Yet, even the closest of friends took about three weeks to handle a hug again! Most of them remained friends till jobs, careers, etc spread us at distance.
Family: Two brothers who are lay preachers makes it a foregone conclusion that they will not accept it, but I'm not that close to them anyway. My mum sort-of knows from an incident in my early teens. I mentioned how I felt about another girl...two hours of lecturing about the wrong of it....enough said. The family debates and comments have not changed over the years...dead against homosexuality in any form. I learnt to keep silent of my feelings when around them, but it didn't stop the experiences.
Of all my family, my Dad is likely to be the most understanding.

Why is it, that families are often the most critical of the lifestyle news??

My general saying is...I'm the same person...you're just seeing me with clearer eyes. But hey...at 37 I really don't want to hear everyone else's reactions; I like who I am!

[Mimi]

Originally posted by Sparks:
Should I ever be romantically involved with a woman again, yes I will tell her how I feel. But to the rest of the world, it's none of their business.

i know it would be difficult and you may face rejection, but i've heard from many people a similar line: "it's what i do in the bedroom," or "it's my private life and they don't need to know." but is it really only what you do in the bedroom? to me this is coming from stigma and shame. being "in the closet" means you are hiding something. and this is exactly what the close-minded people out there want you to do! they want to keep denying our existence or to stereotype us, and i think hiding your sexuality is going along with just that.

i think the first step is to realize that there is nothing wrong with who you are and then live your life accordingly. there may be losses (which i have faced painfully), but living a lie is much more painful. :2cents:

mimi :flag1:

[allbimyself]

Mimi,

You are applying politics to a personal choice. That may be how YOU feel, but it is not required for other bisexuals to feel that way.

For example, my mother disapproves of me riding motorcycles. I choose not to tell her I do since it isn't important enough to cause that stress in our relationship nor it is necessary to worry her.


this is exactly what the close-minded people out there want you to do! they want to keep denying our existence or to stereotype us, and i think hiding your sexuality is going along with just thatThat is a very dangerous statement. Do you approve of the practice of outting? That is exactly where this statement leads. When you accept your statement, you make an enemy of your own people who choose not to out themselves to everybody, because they are giving aid and comfort to the enemy by being in the closet. They HAVE to be outted for the better of our cause. Maybe you don't see that because you've drawn a line, but there are many more who would believe that.

At any rate, Mimi, you have stated you are NOT out to everyone in your life. Until you are, you have no right to criticize anyone else's choice about who to be out to.

[glantern954]

It took me about 12 years to tell my Grandma. For one, its Grandma, who wants to talk to grandma about your sex life!? Secondly, she has been fairly religeous most of her life, and she watches the Trinity network of all things! Third, I am the favorite grandson.

I handed her a couple of the pamphlets from the Bisexual Resouce website(http://www.biresource.org/272). In particular, Bisexuality and Myths.

I still could not get the words out without tears rolling down my face. I explained briefly and asked her to read the pamphlets and we could talk about it more later. I think her initial reaction was shock, but concern over my emotional state.

When we spoke about it later, she said that I was still her favorite and although she does consider herself religeous that she does not put much weight into what the church and tv evangelists say. I was relieved. Fortunately she did not ask any probing questions about our sex life.

About a year later, I told my brother. The first thing he did was call Grandma and asked her what she thought about my wife and I being "swingers". How is that for a low blow. So I got a hysterical call from Grandma an explained that we were not swingers and that my brother was just saying that to bring me down in Grandma's eyes.

[nubiwoman]

Mimi,

You are applying politics to a personal choice. That may be how YOU feel, but it is not required for other bisexuals to feel that way.

For example, my mother disapproves of me riding motorcycles. I choose not to tell her I do since it isn't important enough to cause that stress in our relationship nor it is necessary to worry her.

That is a very dangerous statement. Do you approve of the practice of outting? That is exactly where this statement leads. When you accept your statement, you make an enemy of your own people who choose not to out themselves to everybody, because they are giving aid and comfort to the enemy by being in the closet. They HAVE to be outted for the better of our cause. Maybe you don't see that because you've drawn a line, but there are many more who would believe that.

At any rate, Mimi, you have stated you are NOT out to everyone in your life. Until you are, you have no right to criticize anyone else's choice about who to be out to.

hmm...

......I've read and re-read both mimis and allbis comments here.. and can see where both are coming from...

......my sticking point, like allbi, is where mimi sounds almost prescriptive in her offering that yes, it is painful, but its for the best type solution..

.....as mimi has added the 2cents logo i do suspect this is offered as a theory rather than a rule.. though i still feel a little bit as though i'm being spoken down to..

......we all have our own reasons for sharing, or not sharing, our orientation with others.. and whilst i do share mimis political passion and anti-oppressive stance (in theory) that we have nothing to be ashamed of... ultimately, for some people, it is neither safe or desirable to share such personal, intimate details with others...

......and to even attempt to coerce someone to out themselves against their better judgement is IMHO very very wrong

......Julie


:female: :2cents:

[Sparks]

i think the first step is to realize that there is nothing wrong with who you are and then live your life accordingly. there may be losses (which i have faced painfully), but living a lie is much more painful. :2cents:

mimi :flag1:Sweet Mimi,
I beleive that there is nothing wrong with who I am. And, my friend, I do live my life within the pleasure of the company (circle) of friends. Nevertheless, In my heart, I don't feel like I'm living a lie. Call it cautious. Men and women of my generation tend to be more discreet. That comes from upbringing, and the social standards that we lived by.

How lucky your generation is. You grew up in a social environment, much like my daughter, where acceptance was basically blown off to an "ok. . . wathca wanna do tonight?"

Keep up the good work, angel. I'm proud of you, and the passion that you put into your work and life. As always, you're free to come and visit UCLA for the nickle tour and lunch. It's on the University, and me.

Take good care, Mimi

[Lorcan]

but is it really only what you do in the bedroom? to me this is coming from stigma and shame. being "in the closet" means you are hiding something. and this is exactly what the close-minded people out there want you to do!

Mimi,

i agree. Het people are "out" all the time making it perfectly clear that they are het, and and making it perfectly clear that they don't accept otherwise, and beating us down into silence.

i just wanted to say that even if it is unpopular.


That is a very dangerous statement. Do you approve of the practice of outting?

I doubt she does. i don't.

tho i wish my spouse would come out, because it would make it easier to explain my life to someone. i have to tiptoe around that area.

[Sparks]

Mimi,
I'm happy to see that your thread is still open, for you pose the most poignant of questions. Keep up the good work, angel. As I taught my duaghter, You go girl!

If it's ok with you, I'd be proud to call you my friend, and your second Dad. You are a special woman, Mimi. Very much like my duaghter. Although she is str8, you both have the drive to excell in your passion.

Thank you for the wisdom of your youth. And most of all, thank you for being you. Take good care, Mimi. Realize that I'm on your side as a friend.

Again, you are one special woman! Your Mom, Dad and me are so very proud of you

Fred

[Mimi]

to allbimyself and nubiwoman:
my statement is one to ask people to question the belief that who they are is "no one's business." i want people to think about where that comes from, and if they would use that same line for another oppressed/underrepresented identity -- for example, "i am an african american, but i don't tell anybody because that's no one's business."

no, i don't believe in forcing people to be out. people need to be strong from the inside out, but it also helps when there are visible others paving the path. plus, there are different ways to come out to different people, as i don't think it's wise to be excessively out to EVERYONE.

perhaps more discussion of this could be taken up in another thread on the "personal vs. political" nature of coming out, or in the debate group on sundays. i really wanted to focus this thread on stories of people who decided to come out even though it wasn't easy.



Originally posted by glantern954:
It took me about 12 years to tell my Grandma. For one, its Grandma, who wants to talk to grandma about your sex life!? Secondly, she has been fairly religeous most of her life, and she watches the Trinity network of all things! Third, I am the favorite grandson.


thank you so much for your story, glantern. :) it was exactly the thing i was looking for in this thread. :bibounce: i can see that you took a really big risk and told her in the best way that you could and also provided some education for her at the same time. i'm so happy for you that things have turned out well, even with the misinformation by your brother. hopefully there are others you can make progress with in your life.



Originally posted by lorcan:
Mimi,

i agree. Het people are "out" all the time making it perfectly clear that they are het, and and making it perfectly clear that they don't accept otherwise, and beating us down into silence.

i just wanted to say that even if it is unpopular.

thank you for chiming in, lorcan. it's true that hets are "out" all the time, so it's unfair that we can't be. and without "unpopular" opinions, things would never change.

and last but not least...



Orginally posted by Sparks:
If it's ok with you, I'd be proud to call you my friend, and your second Dad. You are a special woman, Mimi. Very much like my duaghter. Although she is str8, you both have the drive to excell in your passion.

Thank you for the wisdom of your youth. And most of all, thank you for being you. Take good care, Mimi. Realize that I'm on your side as a friend.

you are so sweet, Sparks!! i've never received such kindness from someone i've never met!!! :)


more coming-out stories!!!!!!!

mimi :flag1:

[Michael623]

Bisexuals and homosexuals are similarly opressed as African American's. That's a commparison?

[arana]

to allbimyself and nubiwoman:

perhaps more discussion of this could be taken up in another thread on the "personal vs. political" nature of coming out, or in the debate group on sundays. i really wanted to focus this thread on stories of people who decided to come out even though it wasn't easy.

mimi :flag1:
Just out of curiousity, is this a survey thread for another paper?

[Mimi]

Originally posted by Michael623:
Bisexuals and homosexuals are similarly opressed as African American's. That's a commparison?

of course those 2 groups aren't the same, but they're both oppressed/misrepresented groups in the U.S. i was just trying to make a point about stigma.



Originally posted by arana:
Just out of curiousity, is this a survey thread for another paper?

lol. no, this is not for school. just my own personal need to connect with others who are going through the same thing. and as a way to procrastinate doing my dissertation right now. :tong:

mimi :flag1:

[nubiwoman]

to allbimyself and nubiwoman:
my statement is one to ask people to question the belief that who they are is "no one's business." i want people to think about where that comes from, and if they would use that same line for another oppressed/underrepresented identity -- for example, "i am an african american, but i don't tell anybody because that's no one's business."

no, i don't believe in forcing people to be out. people need to be strong from the inside out, but it also helps when there are visible others paving the path. plus, there are different ways to come out to different people, as i don't think it's wise to be excessively out to EVERYONE.

perhaps more discussion of this could be taken up in another thread on the "personal vs. political" nature of coming out, or in the debate group on sundays. i really wanted to focus this thread on stories of people who decided to come out even though it wasn't easy.



thank you so much for your story, glantern. :) it was exactly the thing i was looking for in this thread. :bibounce: i can see that you took a really big risk and told her in the best way that you could and also provided some education for her at the same time. i'm so happy for you that things have turned out well, even with the misinformation by your brother. hopefully there are others you can make progress with in your life.



thank you for chiming in, lorcan. it's true that hets are "out" all the time, so it's unfair that we can't be. and without "unpopular" opinions, things would never change.

and last but not least...



you are so sweet, Sparks!! i've never received such kindness from someone i've never met!!! :)


more coming-out stories!!!!!!!

mimi :flag1:


I agree with you mimi that this is more of a personal vs political discussion..

I feel the comparison with african/american folks issues is a shaky one though... simply because visability affects choice.. Race is generally out there, no choice, deal with it... sexual orientation is covert thus introducing the dilemma of self expression.

Also.. sexuality is fluid and many of us spend years trying to make sense of our identity ourselves ...hard enough in itself without that process being complicated by other peoples ethics and opinions being placed upon us..

Race on the other hand is rigid.. it is as it is..no confusion other than political labels to describe ethnic backgrounds such as mixed race vs dual nationality etc etc

I do share your ideals though mimi.. and i too am saddened when folk feel they have to resort to secrets and lies to live with their sexuality... i have one friend in particular who i wish would have the courage to 'walk in the light' as it were...

But its not that simple :( internalised homophobia is rife.. and folk do reject their sexuality even when people around them are fully accepting.. i appreciate that internalised racism is also rife but as stated before there is no confusion or choice with ethnicity...

And i appreciate this thread is primarily about brave coming out stories... i just want to give a voice to those who those of us who have no coming out story to tell ..and whose experiencing is no less valid because of that..

Thanks mimi for providing such thought provoking threads :bigrin:

Julie :female: