Monogamy, forced or a personal choice ?

[Long Duck Dong]

yes another monogamy thread.....lol

I am asking for a lil help here....... I have seen a number of posts about how monogamy is a forced aspect of life, a moral obligation.....

now I am finding that its a lil insulting to myself and other people that have a monogamous lifestyle, to be told that we do not live a lifestyle of free choice, but live a forced lifestyle that lacks the freedom of choice.... but is one imposed by us even tho its a lifestyle we are happy with, we choose that lifestyle and its one that suits us best....

so here is the challenge...... if people want to say that monogamy is a forced and moral obligation...... then feel free to assist....

I would like to see studies and research that proof that it is not normal for people to enjoy and embrace a monogamous lifestyle...... that nature also lacks any creatures that are strictly monogamous....
and that people that are monogamous by choice and desire... are *imperfect * humans

now you are free to use any research you want.... quote anything you want..... use any justifying you want...... but the proof is on you to prove that your opinion is more than just a personal opinion that is insulting to monogamous people that are happy to be monogamous and do not find pleasure or contentment in a free roaming lifestyle

if at the end of this, nobody can prove that monogamy is forced and a abnormal way of way for people.... then I ask that people who want to make remarks that monogamy is abnormal and unnatural, moral and religious in foundation and unfair to be....... start their posts with I BELIEVE THAT....
and stop telling monogamous people that they are some how defective..... as we are as normal as the person standing beside us

[mikey3000]

Wow. Just google it. Seems rather unnatural in the animal kingdom, yet something we should strive for as humans. There ya go.

http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/FYS/Barash%20on%20monogamy.htm

[Long Duck Dong]

ok mikey, that proves that the majority of mammals and other beings have a non monogamous lifestyle..... but ... the last I knew....I was not a gorilla or a swan or a ...........yeah.....

I am a person that can make a informed choice.....

and that article is quoting books by writers..... hell I would write that monogamous people are aliens from outer space, in a book....... but its still no proof that monogamous is wrong or that monogamous people are faulty goods lol

lol.... sadly it still doesn't prove the theory that monogamy is a forced way of life.... and I have not yet heard any real proof that non monogamy is a forced way of life either...... my partner is not holding a gun to my head and telling me to sleep with others cos I am bisexual.... shes accepting of my choice not to act in a manner that causes me issues....lol

but yes, I do knowledge that serial monogamy exists.... and that we may not have the same partner for life.... so in the animal world, serial monogamy can exist.... but its not always a case of the lion in the pride, but can be a seasonal monogamy.....

[sephirothtx]

i am loyal, per my own choice, to a single partner, wether or not htat is his or her choice.

it is not forced upon me, its how i feel is right within me, i'd feel wrong, myself, and too...stretched out,

you see allot of me goes into relationships, allot of emotion and love, and i can't share that with an orgy of boyfriends and girlfriends

and it really just dosen't peak my interest, for some reason being loyal turns me on so muc hmore

I don't beleive it is forced oneveryone ,but i beleive it CAN BE FORCED and usually is.

The reason is the fallous of "human/religious morals" upon which we must live our lives upon or end up burning forever in a place that a "fallen angel" supposed to be busy being punished himself is going to torture us forever.

my cynasism aside, those who break free from living under the boot of the allmightly, choose ourselves, and some of us CHOOSE to be monogamous, and we are in no way forced by anyone to do i t.

Now i can tell you right now, those couples with one unwilling force monogamous person, usually don't last very well or end up very happy.

[Long Duck Dong]

i am loyal, per my own choice, to a single partner, wether or not htat is his or her choice.

it is not forced upon me, its how i feel is right within me, i'd feel wrong, myself, and too...stretched out,

you see allot of me goes into relationships, allot of emotion and love, and i can't share that with an orgy of boyfriends and girlfriends

and it really just dosen't peak my interest, for some reason being loyal turns me on so muc hmore

I don't beleive it is forced oneveryone ,but i beleive it CAN BE FORCED and usually is.

The reason is the fallous of "human/religious morals" upon which we must live our lives upon or end up burning forever in a place that a "fallen angel" supposed to be busy being punished himself is going to torture us forever.

my cynasism aside, those who break free from living under the boot of the allmightly, choose ourselves, and some of us CHOOSE to be monogamous, and we are in no way forced by anyone to do i t.

Now i can tell you right now, those couples with one unwilling force monogamous person, usually don't last very well or end up very happy.

ok.... good to see........

a person that chooses to be monogamous freely ..... and i enjoy the way you say that you choose to be monogamous, not cos its forced, but cos it works for you
and I love to see that yes, we share the same type of thoughts and feelings towards our partners and extra marital activities......

I am curious, do you at times feel pressured as a bisexual to not be monogamous and fit the * norm * for being bisexual ???
it can be as a social pressure or in the site......

I do base that around a post recently to do with bisexuals not being *full * bisexuals ( desiring males and females equally in all aspects of life ) if they are monogamous bisexuals....

[BI BOYTOY]

OK I BELIEVE THAT ,, being normal to HUMANS is different for differant people,, pretty much.... it is just as wrong to tell non monogomus people they are wrong,, as it is to tell you monogomus people are wrong. what is normal for one is not normal for the other. :bigrin:

[Long Duck Dong]

OK I BELIEVE THAT ,, being normal to HUMANS is different for differant people,, pretty much.... it is just as wrong to tell non monogomus people they are wrong,, as it is to tell you monogomus people are wrong. what is normal for one is not normal for the other. :bigrin:

love it.... and I agree.......

non monogamy works for a number of people, and they are better suited to it than others.... like the monogamous are better suited to a one on one relationship....

and if monogamy can be forced, then surely, non monogamy can be forced upon a person too, if they are naturally monogamous but in a relationship with a person that wants to enter into the free roaming lifestyle with their partner.....

[CallaLili]

Long,

Here is my take on monogamy. Take it for what it is worth I have no proof to back up any thing. It is just what I think.

For some, not all, monogamy may be "taught" to people at a young age. This may be though parents, school, church or just from society. This view may be told over and over and over again that this is the only way to be. So they may feel that it is forced on them.
Just like if you tell a kid they are not worth any thing. They may grow up believing this. (I know this from personal things that if you are told something over and over for all your life you start to believe it unless someone shows you another way)

Here is my thing if you only know one way to be how is it your choice?

I truly believe everyone has a choice for the most part of how they live their life. But I do not believe someone should judge anyone for what choice that person takes.

(sorry spelling not the best)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Why worry about what other people think, Darlin? You guys just do what you feel is best for you, and dont give an Owl's patoot about the advice of those saying, "Oh you should do this, or not do that"
In the words of my generation "Do your own thing" :} and more power to ya, Darlin.
Cat, radical tonight..lol

[Long Duck Dong]

Long,

Here is my take on monogamy. Take it for what it is worth I have no proof to back up any thing. It is just what I think.

For some, not all, monogamy may be "taught" to people at a young age. This may be though parents, school, church or just from society. This view may be told over and over and over again that this is the only way to be. So they may feel that it is forced on them.
Just like if you tell a kid they are not worth any thing. They may grow up believing this. (I know this from personal things that if you are told something over and over for all your life you start to believe it unless someone shows you another way)

Here is my thing if you only know one way to be how is it your choice?

I truly believe everyone has a choice for the most part of how they live their life. But I do not believe someone should judge anyone for what choice that person takes.

(sorry spelling not the best)

hugs, I know monogamy is taught in some groups.... I have a couple of friends that have divorced and its been messy, but they tried to do the * perfect * husband / wife thing... and all the trimmings and failed .....

I told them that marriage is not at all as easy as it appears to be, some marriages work, some fail, and some never should have happened lol

I am the same, I would struggle in a marriage badly, yet I could be monogamous and committed to a partner for life......
but I am the type of person that knows I could not marry without having a lot of struggles with being married and thats no fault of my partner,.... its cos a lot to do with the expectations of what a married person should be like and I would fail that test badly lol

I apply the same to monogamy, people that are not monogamous by nature, should not try to be.... they will fail.... but with luck, they will find a partner that is fine with a non monogamous partner..... but if they don't...never force the partner to accept it or allow it..... things will implode.....

a friend of mine has a saying..... if it was not for monogamous people.... we would not have marriage..... if it was not for marriage, we would not have divorce....and if it was not for divorce, a lot of people would have to work for everything they have..... so monogamy can not be that bad lol

[CallaLili]

hugs, I know monogamy is taught in some groups.... I have a couple of friends that have divorced and its been messy, but they tried to do the * perfect * husband / wife thing... and all the trimmings and failed .....

I told them that marriage is not at all as easy as it appears to be, some marriages work, some fail, and some never should have happened lol

I am the same, I would struggle in a marriage badly, yet I could be monogamous and committed to a partner for life......
but I am the type of person that knows I could not marry without having a lot of struggles with being married and thats no fault of my partner,.... its cos a lot to do with the expectations of what a married person should be like and I would fail that test badly lol

I apply the same to monogamy, people that are not monogamous by nature, should not try to be.... they will fail.... but with luck, they will find a partner that is fine with a non monogamous partner..... but if they don't...never force the partner to accept it or allow it..... things will implode.....

a friend of mine has a saying..... if it was not for monogamous people.... we would not have marriage..... if it was not for marriage, we would not have divorce....and if it was not for divorce, a lot of people would have to work for everything they have..... so monogamy can not be that bad lol


Tell your friend I love that saying... I'll have to tell you mine some other time. :)
What do you find different from two people in a monogamous relationship and two people that are married?

just wondering

[citystyleguy]

forced!!! hell, what a load of crap! conditioned, most definitely, such that one can think it is forced, a sort of variant on the pavlov dog theory. to think that some force within demands it, that's like people such as mel gibson who claim alcohol made them do it, total bs!!!

i choose to be momogamous, that is what makes me whole; others choose a different path, so be it, that is their accountability. i can derive absolutely no satisfaction from the alternative, and have held to that personal inner need, without regret.

thanks tho' for an interesting thread!

[tristancir]

Stating that monogamy is "forced" isn't really the right way to state it. It's more of a societal norm. Consider what is said about some who goes outside the monogamous relationship? They are called cheaters right? It is a highly negative thing in most modern society.

This has not been the case throughout human history. There have been human civilizations that did not demonize someone if they had outside sexual activity. In other cases, sexual activity outside marriage has carried the death penalty.

Consider also if a person was dating another person. And they stated that they had no intention of ever being monogamous. What do you think would happen?

I'm sure that there are a few cases where marriages exist that have some degree of extra-marital sexual activity that is condoned. I know of a few myself. Those are probably a very small percentage.

Modern western civilization has a high degree of societal pressure to monogamous.

[Long Duck Dong]

Tell your friend I love that saying... I'll have to tell you mine some other time. :)
What do you find different from two people in a monogamous relationship and two people that are married?

just wondering

lol a relationship v's marriage ???? lol where do I start lol

ok I come from the olde ways, I am celtic scottish by ancestory....lol

to me a partner is valuable to me, but so is are my friends... and I value them all equally...... and a relationship with a person is a sign that we share many aspects and qualities... so we share them on a personal level.....

however, we are free within that relationship to go to the aid and support of others....as needed, and with the understanding that we will return to our partners side....

with a marriage, we change the dynamics to our partner above all else.... and that can restrict us in activities we would normally do, as we are required to put the marriage and partner ahead of others......

now to me, my partner is still the same person, the person I am with, the person I respect and honour.... but I am obligated to perform my duties within a marriage above all else....and that to me, means I am restricted in the ways I can help my friends.....

also in nz, if you are married, you have to be separated for a minimum of 2 years in order to divorce..... and attend counseling to try and make the marriage work, ..... to me, if the marriage is over... its over, my partner should have the right to move on with their life, not be chained to me legally for 2 years and have to try flogging a dead horse with counseling......

for me, I perfer a companionship.....a hand binding of the olde ways.....
its like a marriage, but gives the partners the freedom to move around with unfettered freedom..... and the knowledge that my word is true, I will stand firm for them regardless of what they do.....
they have the freedom of the single life ( including the choice of being monogamous or not tho I refuse to exercise that right for myself ), the freedom of a friendship in that they can talk openly with me and scold or praise without fear of threats of ending the relationship if we disagree....
the partnering of a relationship and the chance form love and personal feelings to grow and be shared..... the security and honoring of a marriage with all the for better or worse.... but the freedom to leave should it all turn to shit
they are welcome to form attachments to others on the same level as their partner ( sexual or non sexual ) without fear of jealousy or envy.....
( that applies to my partner..... and what I offer them..... as I respect that my partner struggles with that level of freedom for her while I maintain strict rules for myself....lol.... but it would be be the freedom to be who and what I am, with her and others but only sexual with her )

if its too confusing, read the jean auel book, mammoth hunters.... its very similar... ayla and jondalar deal with non monogamy and monogamy, and how a clan is a extended * family * with multi faceted relationships...and other people form sexual and non sexual relationships with each other... some have poly relationships..... but they all work together to support each other and look after each other in the clan regardless of relationship status.... while respecting and valuing the nature of relationships

[Long Duck Dong]

Stating that monogamy is "forced" isn't really the right way to state it. It's more of a societal norm. Consider what is said about some who goes outside the monogamous relationship? They are called cheaters right? It is a highly negative thing in most modern society.

This has not been the case throughout human history. There have been human civilizations that did not demonize someone if they had outside sexual activity. In other cases, sexual activity outside marriage has carried the death penalty.

Consider also if a person was dating another person. And they stated that they had no intention of ever being monogamous. What do you think would happen?

I'm sure that there are a few cases where marriages exist that have some degree of extra-marital sexual activity that is condoned. I know of a few myself. Those are probably a very small percentage.

Modern western civilization has a high degree of societal pressure to monogamous.


marriage and relationship is the commitment to one person...... but people enter into them freely.... and say that the very nature of them is wrong.... cos they do not want to be monogamous in a type of situation that is generally a one on one situation anyway......

it is a bit like buying one car but arguing that you should be allowed to use every car in the lot.....

so yes, monogamy is a social norm..... its called marriage and relationships..... the thing people want, but do not want .... ie they want open relationships and marriage.....
so logically, if they do think social norms are wrong.... why condone them with getting into a relationship or marriage, why not just be friends with benefits ????

marriage used to be generally a contract of joining, a type of agreement between houses, societies, countries, royalty, etc.... using humans as the * bind *...... not really a loving union, but a bargaining chip with two people as the * handshake * lol

[tenni]

"Modern western civilization has a high degree of societal pressure to monogamous."

I would wager that modern western civilization is giving as much societal pressure to be monogamous as it places societal pressure to remain a virgin before marriage. It may be only lip service and an indication of a disconnect within some individuals and reality. 90 percent of people in the USA believe adultery is morally wrong. 70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity. With the high rate of divorce, statistics indicate about 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage . Statistics show 75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with. Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful. These stats are from a site called womensaver.com. I do not know about the validity but there may be some disconnect within societies where personal attitudes are not in sinc with behaviour nor publicly verbalized attitudes.

Monogomy may be an anarchronism and merely an illusion at this point in time. There may be an unhealthy disconnect in the society where these stats came from. If these stats were taken in a country like France, I wonder how the stats and attitudes might compare? It may be more healthy for sexual relationships to bring the reality about practice of monogomy into a better light so that relationships may remain more healthy and less likely to end in divorce or break up. What is more curious to me is that two frequent posters have each brought the issue of monogomy up within 24 hours of each other. They state publicly to be celebate and in a long distant monogomous relationship with each other.

[ziggybabie]

To quote a certain philosopher/writer, from a certain book:

"[certain religion] does not encourage orgiastic activity or extramarital affairs for those to whom they do not come naturally. For many, it would be very unnatural and detrimental to be unfaithful to their chosen mates. To others, it would be frustrating to be bound sexually to just one person. Each person must decide for himself what form of sexual activity best suits his individual needs. Self deceitfully forcing yourself to be adulterous or to have sex partners when not married just for the sake of proving others (or worse yet, to yourself) that you are emancipated from sexual guilt is just as wrong, by [this religion's] standards, as leaving any sexual need unfulfilled because of ingrained feelings of guilt."

[DuckiesDarling]

"Modern western civilization has a high degree of societal pressure to monogamous."

I would wager that modern western civilization is giving as much societal pressure to be monogamous as it places societal pressure to remain a virgin before marriage. It may be only lip service and an indication of a disconnect within some individuals and reality. 90 percent of people in the USA believe adultery is morally wrong. 70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity. With the high rate of divorce and statistics indicating about 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage . Statistics show 75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with. Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.

Monogomy may be an anarchronism and merely an illusion at this point in time. There may be an unhealthy disconnect in the society where these stats came from. If these stats were taken in a country like France, I wonder how the stats and attitudes might compare? What is more curious to me is that two frequent posters have each brought the issue of monogomy up within 24 hours of each other. They claim to be in a celebate monogomous relationship with each other that is long distance.

First you didn't answer the thread. Monogamy is not forced and you simply cannot prove something that is an untruth. The same way that bisexuality is not forced, it either is or it isn't. That's what makes humans unique, the ability to make choices.

Second, I read much the same thing and the article went on to say how skewed the results were because they often asked college kids.


Third, your last statement has no merit. He created this thread because of some questions raised in the other thread about monogamy being forced. I asked flat out for someone to tell me where monogamy was forced except on this site as stated by a few individuals with an agenda. We are in a monogamous relationship that has lasted for two years now and we have no plans to change anything other than where I live. And just because he is not at this moment able to give me that wonderful cock it doesn't mean we are celibate. It just means we use our imaginations a bit more when making love over the phone.

Now if you can come up with ANY PROOF that monogamy is FORCED then please do so. All you have offered are your opinions and general statistics. Monogamy is not forced, it's not unnatural, it's just a choice the same as any choice by any consenting adult about a sexual situation.

You think I'm some evil hetero woman forcing him to be monogamous if he wants to be with me. Never realizing it was always his choice, he chose to be not only monogamous but was also celibate for three years before I came on to the scene. We might be long distance, but we talk each night, we talk TO each other. We have faith and trust in one another that there will be no issues barring George Clooney knocking on my door.

[tenni]

I responded to a comment about western societies pressure to be monogamous. If a society exerts pressure that is forcing an attitude etc. on to individuals.

Post
Let me correct myself in stating that this is the third thread since July 11 started by these two frequent posters on the subject of monogomy (counting "lack of dishonest and unfaithful women ???" started on July 11th). This topic seems to be of a serious concern for this couple?

[Long Duck Dong]

"Modern western civilization has a high degree of societal pressure to monogamous."

I would wager that modern western civilization is giving as much societal pressure to be monogamous as it places societal pressure to remain a virgin before marriage. It may be only lip service and an indication of a disconnect within some individuals and reality. 90 percent of people in the USA believe adultery is morally wrong. 70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity. With the high rate of divorce, statistics indicate about 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage . Statistics show 75% of men and 65% of women admit to having sex with people they work with. Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful. These stats are from a site called womensaver.com. I do not know about the validity but there may be some disconnect within societies where personal attitudes are not in sinc with behaviour nor publicly verbalized attitudes.

Monogomy may be an anarchronism and merely an illusion at this point in time. There may be an unhealthy disconnect in the society where these stats came from. If these stats were taken in a country like France, I wonder how the stats and attitudes might compare? What is more curious to me is that two frequent posters have each brought the issue of monogomy up within 24 hours of each other. They state publicly to be in a celebate monogomous relationship with each other that is long distance.

ok yeah you are posting stats... but personal opinion is personal opinion.....
I am noticing that a lot of the posters are supporting the dual stance..... that monogamy is for some people but not for others..... and if its mutually agreed upon, then there is no issue.....

now the reason I started the thread was to give the people that feel that monogamy is forced, a chance to state their case and prove that its a unnatural state for people to be in..... and that if monogamy is forced, then by logic, we should force monogamous people to have hook ups, casual sex and extra partners so they can be free of the forced monogamy..... and if they refuse cos they have no interest in doing that.... we can tell them they are brainwashed into accepting monogamy as right for them.......

but you will not catch me doing that.... as I accept that we all have different lifestyles and ways of life.... and monogamy is right for some, and not for others....

a number of posters have said that either that they are happier being monogamous cos they enjoy that more than polyamous relationships.... or that they have tried monogamy and polygamy and they know what one works for them...... who are we to say that they do not know what relationship types are correct for them

if monogamy has been forced on me by social pressures and over views... then why is it that I have followed the same traits and practices when I have been single and not doing the casual hook up thing..... its a lil hard to be a single and monogamous male that is being faithful to myself.... unless you count masturbation as forced monogamy for a single male......and social and moral pressure forced me to be in a monogamous relationship with my hand...... I wonder... if I wank with my right hand and then my left, is that still monogamy for a single male

and yes we are in a long distance celibate and monogamous relationship..... as we are both normal and happy adults.... and neither of us feel the need to go out and sleep with other people.... we use online chat to cyber with each other and talk......and DD is planning to return to nz permanently....
so I am not sure what your point is, about our relationship...... or what it has to do with the subject matter

[Long Duck Dong]

I responded to a comment about western societies pressure to be monogamous. If a society exerts pressure that is forcing an attitude etc. on to individuals.

where is the pressure...... what is the pressure...... is marriage the pressure or relationships the pressure...... this is what I am asking.....

if society is forcing people to be monogamous, where is the pressure ..... is it like peer pressure to smoke, to drink, to have sex ......

or are we talking about moral pressure from churches and social groups... if so... what about the people that do not go to church ????

the only pressure that I am aware of that is monogamous based, is marriage and relationships..... and well they generally are one on one unions..... so if there is pressure there to be monogamous,.... then people should not be married or in relationships if thats pressuring them to be monogamous...and just have friends with benefits and fuck buddies.......

so yeah.... can you explain yourself a lil better as I am not sure what you are talking about by this * pressure * to be monogamous and how its forced on people

[DuckiesDarling]

To quote a certain philosopher/writer, from a certain book:

"[certain religion] does not encourage orgiastic activity or extramarital affairs for those to whom they do not come naturally. For many, it would be very unnatural and detrimental to be unfaithful to their chosen mates. To others, it would be frustrating to be bound sexually to just one person. Each person must decide for himself what form of sexual activity best suits his individual needs. Self deceitfully forcing yourself to be adulterous or to have sex partners when not married just for the sake of proving others (or worse yet, to yourself) that you are emancipated from sexual guilt is just as wrong, by [this religion's] standards, as leaving any sexual need unfulfilled because of ingrained feelings of guilt."

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DuckiesDarling]

I responded to a comment about western societies pressure to be monogamous. If a society exerts pressure that is forcing an attitude etc. on to individuals.

Post
Let me correct myself in stating that this is the third thread since July 11 started by these two frequent posters on the subject of monogomy (counting "lack of dishonest and unfaithful women ???" started on July 11th). This topic seems to be of a serious concern for this couple?

His posts are his posts, my posts are my posts. I wasn't aware you got to say who posts on this board or what the topic might be about. Now if you are through with your jealous backhanded digs, is there any proof you can offer? You remember proof right... that tidbit of evidence that exists somewhere that forced you (yep I said it) to come to a conclusion monogamy is forced.

[Long Duck Dong]

I responded to a comment about western societies pressure to be monogamous. If a society exerts pressure that is forcing an attitude etc. on to individuals.

Post
Let me correct myself in stating that this is the third thread since July 11 started by these two frequent posters on the subject of monogomy (counting "lack of dishonest and unfaithful women ???" started on July 11th). This topic seems to be of a serious concern for this couple?

I am asking why people are saying monogamy is forced....... where is monogamy forced.....

I am waiting for somebody to show me where monogamy is being forced on people by moral and social pressure....... but I have seen where people are stating its social and moral pressure.....

I want to know where I am being forced to be monogamous and if so, where the pressure is in my life, for me to be monogamous....

the lack of unfaithful and dishonest women thread was based around a observation based over 4 years in the site..... and if others were noticing the same thing and what their opinions were on the matter....

[tenni]

There are so many options to discuss about your post #18
Everything that people write here are opinions and some are backed up with some stats or quotes. Societal pressures do create a forced component but when societal values begin to weaken, we find individuals dealing with a resistance to those values. The role of heterosexuality and societal values is there and it may not align with alternate sexualities. Certainly, society attempts to force a heterosexual value system. I agree that monogomy is a choice but societal pressure does exist to maintain monogomy while personal attitudes and behaviour do not seem to be in alignment. The bottom question remains as to why you both keep making threads on monogomy?

post #23
You both make strong statements with regards to a variety of issues and that is fine. You both frequently post back to back supporting each other's opinion. I've read you both attacking another poster's view in unison and back to back posts. It may be best to tone this duo response as it looks questionable and this creates a view to those who are not aware that you are a couple. It is rare to read so much from a hetero partner of a bisexual as we read from you. Now, no one may stop you but it makes the board look as if what you are posting is important to all and your views are normative for bisexuals. When you use your relationship to support a statement you frequently leave out the condition that your partner lives with. From what has been posted about his condition, it is clear to me that he is not within a more normative range of a bisexual man with regards to sexual urges. He has posted to the effect that his reduced sexual urges makes monogomy easy for him as a choice. All of this would not matter if you both were not making such judgmental threads and posts on monogomy.

[DuckiesDarling]

There are so many options to discuss about your post #18
Everything that people write here are opinions and some are backed up with some stats or quotes. Societal pressures do create a forced component but when societal values begin to weaken, we find individuals dealing with a resistance to those values. The role of heterosexuality and societal values is there and it may not align with alternate sexualities. Certainly, society attempts to force a heterosexual value system. I agree that monogomy is a choice but societal pressure does exist to maintain monogomy while personal attitudes and behaviour do not seem to be in alignment. The bottom question remains as to why you both keep making threads on monogomy?

post #23
You both make strong statements with regards to a variety of issues and that is fine. You both frequently post back to back supporting each other's opinion. I've read you both attacking another poster's view in unison and back to back posts. It may be best to tone this duo response as it looks questionable and this creates a view to those who are not aware that you are a couple. It is rare to read so much from a hetero partner of a bisexual as we read from you. Now, no one may stop you but it makes the board look as if what you are posting is important to all and your views are normative for bisexuals. When you use your relationship to support a statement you frequently leave out the condition that your partner lives with. From what has been posted about his condition, it is clear to me that he is not within a more normative range of a bisexual man with regards to sexual urges. He has posted to the effect that his reduced sexual urges makes monogomy easy for him as a choice. All of this would not matter if you both were not making such judgmental threads and posts on monogomy.

I post in a lot of threads, Tenni. I don't hide I'm straight. But being straight does not mean I do not have a brain and the will to exercise it in a common sense manner. Most of the threads on this site lately have not even been about being bisexual, being with a bisexual, being bicurious or anything other than humans trying to live in this fucked up world together. You don't want to read my posts??? Fine... little thing you click on my profile that says Add DuckiesDarling to your ignore list. That should solve all the world's problems.. oops maybe only yours. Now have a nice day.

[Long Duck Dong]

There are so many options to discuss about your post #18
Everything that people write here are opinions and some are backed up with some stats or quotes. Societal pressures do create a forced component but when societal values begin to weaken, we find individuals dealing with a resistance to those values. The role of heterosexuality and societal values is there and it may not align with alternate sexualities. Certainly, society attempts to force a heterosexual value system. I agree that monogomy is a choice but societal pressure does exist to maintain monogomy while personal attitudes and behaviour do not seem to be in alignment. The bottom question remains as to why you both keep making threads on monogomy?

post #23
You both make strong statements with regards to a variety of issues and that is fine. You both frequently post back to back supporting each other's opinion. I've read you both attacking another poster's view in unison and back to back posts. It may be best to tone this duo response as it looks questionable and this creates a view to those who are not aware that you are a couple. It is rare to read so much from a hetero partner of a bisexual as we read from you. Now, no one may stop you but it makes the board look as if what you are posting is important to all and your views are normative for bisexuals. When you use your relationship to support a statement you frequently leave out the condition that your partner lives with. From what has been posted about his condition, it is clear to me that he is not within a more normative range of a bisexual man with regards to sexual urges. He has posted to the effect that his reduced sexual urges makes monogomy easy for him as a choice. All of this would not matter if you both were not making such judgmental threads and posts on monogomy.

I am within a normal range for a bisexual male...... more than a normal range in that I am more pansexual so I have equal attractions, not a attraction to one gender and a gentalia attraction to another.....

and I have posted that my monogamy exists outside of a relationship as well..... but the dysthimia, the mental illness is not a choice, its the way I was born.......

now as for judgmental... I am asking clarification on a issue...... the judgments made by you and others that monogamy is forced and people that are monogamous, are not *full * bisexuals......

again, yes I am seeing personal opinions.... but also statements that can be offensive to monogamous people.... telling us we live a forced lifestyle and that we are not full bisexuals......
but the majority of the posters in the thread are doing the dual stance,.... some people are monogamous, some are not..... some perfer the monogamous lifestyle as they are happier that way... some are poly and love it.......

I am not saying that monogamy is the norm .... I am saying that people choose their own lifestyles.... and that monogamy and poly are both acceptable norms....... if people choose to accept them as norms......

that again.... monogamy and poly are acceptable norms.... I am not a monogamous male slamming poly as a forced lifestyle.... but I am a monogamous male being told my lifestyle is forced...and i want to know how it is forced...... when nobody is forcing me to do anything...

[tenni]

DD
My point is that as a hetero woman, you may not need to be so vocal and in particular posting an agreement immediately after your partner. If you agree with your partner, keep it to yourself more than expressing it. This is particularly effective if your partner is debating with another poster as it may make the other poster feel ganged up on. It is not just what I want to read but the tone of the site that you are impacting as far as what bisexuals think. Yes, being a bisexual is the focus of most threads and not monogomy per sei. That is part of questions for any bisexual amongst others. I am reading another bisexual site and the tone is quite different when it comes to the issue of partners. That aspect is dealt with in a much, much less judgmental way primarily because it is bisexuals who are discussing the questions and they seem to have a healthy desire and drive. This site has its strengths as well and is well worth reading and participating in. I am rather quiet for now on the other site. I was a much quieter member of this site for more than three years before showing my opinionated self. I think that I should be less vocal at times as well.

Sorry if my words are upsetting you but think about what I've commented on. Continue to post but you may not be aware. Now, I am just a silly ass at times but I'm fairly honest as are you and we both are not completely dumb. Why not read each other's comments?:bigrin:

[DuckiesDarling]

Oh so the little hetero woman needs to just shut up and let her big bisexual male take care of her? No, thanks. I have a brain and I am more than capable of coming to my own conclusions about things. Show me one instance where my advice to a bisexual about any problem posted was off target? I post common sense, something that appears to go out the window when a dick gets involved.

I have repeatedly stated that I have no problems with polyamorous couples or triads or a full fucking cult. That is their choice and you have now also stated that you realize monogamy is a choice. So let us live our lives in peace as much as is possible in this fucked up world.

[sephirothtx]

i never let myself feel forced, i am a very free person ,teh only one that can ever "force" me to do somthing would be the love of my life, or one assume is so, at least, and then im so loose and flexible in a relationship most of the time "forcing" me to somthing is like forcing a hand through whater, im really not all that up time about anything.

[12voltman59]

LDD---you are looking at this matter from your own perspective---you may not have those in your family, your nation, your social circles, religion, etc that impose pressure on you to be monogamous, married early, not having sex with people of the same gender and so on----but I think it is safe to say that even in our times---the vast majority of people on the planet do live in a "social milleu" that demands all of those things of its members, in other words--they had better get married as soon as possbile to some acceptable mate, have kids, be faithful, NEVER have "un-natural sex!!"--or at least do your damndest to not get caught-- that is only for the man of course--the woman can't fool around at all lest she meet with some ill fate.

Those of us who don't live in such a setting do tend to forget that I think---I know I might be as guilty as anyone for thinking many people have "liberalized" their thinking on such matters--but I can tell you----lately I have been associating with a group of modern Americans who have little if any acceptance of things GLBT (the women being even less tolerant of things "gay" it seems) and among the guys in this group who range in age from around 21 to 81, they say things like--"if a guy ain't going out to get pussy all the time--he must be some kind of queer or something!!"

I guess in their cases-it is not pressure to be mongamous they are concerned with--more like being the other way with them having to prove how desirable they are to women-- being promiscueous is fine---just as long as you don't show any sign of being a faggot!!

I forgot how aggressively "hetero" so many people really are!!!

Coming face to face again myself with that kind of pressure does make me wonder--how many guys who may or may not have a desire to be with another guy but don't have that strong, ever present desire to "have to get me some damn pussy"--get married just so they don't have to prove to their buddies, family, co-workers, etc, that "they aren't a queer" since they don't feel the need to always be on a "pussy hunt??"

[judayxlo]

I just have a question regarding monogamy vs poly::

If the couple wanted to be more adventurous sexually and they both wanted to try group sex together [as a couple], would this be considered being 'swingers', or not monogamy?
They both would only be having group sex for the physical enjoyment of it--no emotions attached except toward one another.

What do you think?

[Long Duck Dong]

LDD---you are looking at this matter from your own perspective---you may not have those in your family, your nation, your social circles, religion, etc that impose pressure on you to be monogamous, married early, not having sex with people of the same gender and so on----but I think it is safe to say that even in our times---the vast majority of people on the planet do live in a "social milleu" that demands all of those things of its members, in other words--they had better get married as soon as possbile to some acceptable mate, have kids, be faithful, NEVER have "un-natural sex!!"--or at least do your damndest to not get caught-- that is only for the man of course--the woman can't fool around at all lest she meet with some ill fate.

Those of us who don't live in such a setting do tend to forget that I think---I know I might be as guilty as anyone for thinking many people have "liberalized" their thinking on such matters--but I can tell you----lately I have been associating with a group of modern Americans who have little if any acceptance of things GLBT (the women being even less tolerant of things "gay" it seems) and among the guys in this group who range in age from around 21 to 81, they say things like--"if a guy ain't going out to get pussy all the time--he must be some kind of queer or something!!"

I guess in their cases-it is not pressure to be mongamous they are concerned with--more like being the other way with them having to prove how desirable they are to women-- being promiscueous is fine---just as long as you don't show any sign of being a faggot!!

I forgot how aggressively "hetero" so many people really are!!!

Coming face to face again myself with that kind of pressure does make me wonder--how many guys who may or may not have a desire to be with another guy but don't have that strong, ever present desire to "have to get me some damn pussy"--get married just so they don't have to prove to their buddies, family, co-workers, etc, that "they aren't a queer" since they don't feel the need to always be on a "pussy hunt??"


I am a ex christian, my mother is married 3 times, ( divorced once thru infidelity ) and my friends tend to sit on both sides of the fence, some are in open ( limited ) relationships and some are in closed ( one on one ) relationships and some are in open ( any partners ) relationships so I do understand things across a number of areas

after a night, thinking about monogamous pressure..... I have formed the opinion that monogamy is not a moral / social / religious pressure..... but a personal pressure.....
the nature of relationships and the attitude of people in the relationships.... is what creates the pressure.....

knowing that relationships and marriage are traditionally one on one unions.... its like a unspoken rule that entering in a relationship or marriage, is a statement that you will remain with that partner alone........

while others may see that as a pressure... I see it as the nature of relationships and marriage..... and there is also the stance of poly marriages being illegal for the most part.......

with most of the open relationships and marriage, the people I know have laid out the ground work before they entered into the marriage and relationship and there is a very clear difference between a monogamous couple and a open couple.......

I am not sure if others can sense it or are aware of it..... but I am acutely aware of emotional shifts in people..... and in open relationships, they are more relaxed and flowing, but in closed relationships, there is a tension in situations where people may be in a situation where even subtle flirting can take place.......

and that leads me to think and believe that the idea that monogamous is forced, can be a persons own view point that they are accepted to conform in a relationship by their partner..... as relationships and marriages do have a lot of unspoken rules.......
suddenly, fun flirting and joking can be off limits..... and yeah, people can rebel against that, as they enjoy the freedom of the single life..... but they are also aware that they are not able to fun flirt and joke with people that are in relationships......

its very possible that the issue is not monogamy, but the restrictions within relationships and the restrictions that never used to exist between single people..... but monogamy is blamed for it......when in fact, its insecurity, low self confidence, fear of loss etc etc.....

but yeah..... that can create a aspect where monogamy can be seen to be forced...... but it still doesn't prove that naturally monogamous people are pressured to be monogamous..... just that some people end up monogamous cos of personal issues.....

[Long Duck Dong]

I just have a question regarding monogamy vs poly::

If the couple wanted to be more adventurous sexually and they both wanted to try group sex together [as a couple], would this be considered being 'swingers', or not monogamy?
They both would only be having group sex for the physical enjoyment of it--no emotions attached except toward one another.

What do you think?

yeah I would understand it to be non monogamous... but non monogamous by mutual agreement and choice..... they may be emotionally monogamous but sexually non monogamous while swinging....

its possible to have sex with people and not feel any emotion for them.... just your partner

[CallaLili]

lol a relationship v's marriage ???? lol where do I start lol

ok I come from the olde ways, I am celtic scottish by ancestory....lol

to me a partner is valuable to me, but so is are my friends... and I value them all equally...... and a relationship with a person is a sign that we share many aspects and qualities... so we share them on a personal level.....

however, we are free within that relationship to go to the aid and support of others....as needed, and with the understanding that we will return to our partners side....

with a marriage, we change the dynamics to our partner above all else.... and that can restrict us in activities we would normally do, as we are required to put the marriage and partner ahead of others......

now to me, my partner is still the same person, the person I am with, the person I respect and honour.... but I am obligated to perform my duties within a marriage above all else....and that to me, means I am restricted in the ways I can help my friends.....

also in nz, if you are married, you have to be separated for a minimum of 2 years in order to divorce..... and attend counseling to try and make the marriage work, ..... to me, if the marriage is over... its over, my partner should have the right to move on with their life, not be chained to me legally for 2 years and have to try flogging a dead horse with counseling......

for me, I perfer a companionship.....a hand binding of the olde ways.....
its like a marriage, but gives the partners the freedom to move around with unfettered freedom..... and the knowledge that my word is true, I will stand firm for them regardless of what they do.....
they have the freedom of the single life ( including the choice of being monogamous or not tho I refuse to exercise that right for myself ), the freedom of a friendship in that they can talk openly with me and scold or praise without fear of threats of ending the relationship if we disagree....
the partnering of a relationship and the chance form love and personal feelings to grow and be shared..... the security and honoring of a marriage with all the for better or worse.... but the freedom to leave should it all turn to shit
they are welcome to form attachments to others on the same level as their partner ( sexual or non sexual ) without fear of jealousy or envy.....
( that applies to my partner..... and what I offer them..... as I respect that my partner struggles with that level of freedom for her while I maintain strict rules for myself....lol.... but it would be be the freedom to be who and what I am, with her and others but only sexual with her )

if its too confusing, read the jean auel book, mammoth hunters.... its very similar... ayla and jondalar deal with non monogamy and monogamy, and how a clan is a extended * family * with multi faceted relationships...and other people form sexual and non sexual relationships with each other... some have poly relationships..... but they all work together to support each other and look after each other in the clan regardless of relationship status.... while respecting and valuing the nature of relationships

Long,

Its not confusing at all. Your idea of a relationship/partnership is very close to my idea of a marriage. However, I've been told I view things away in left field rather than how they truly are.

[Bluebiyou]

Why can't we have a tri marriage or quad?
It's perfectly legitimate in our cultures to love both masculine and feminine (mother and father) regardless of your gender.
I would love nothing more than to have an exclusive sexual/emotional relationship with one woman and one man.
But, opinion warning, I am very near the center of bisexual criteria.
If I have no relationship, then various things kick in...
manic social explorations - bar hopping,
alcohol consumption,
self destructiveness.
If I have a relationship with a man, then these same mechanisms kick in until I have been with a woman.
If I have a relationship with a woman, then these same mechanisms kick in until I have been with a man.
Monogamy, I believe is part of our nature and best interests.
Reconciling my belief/feelings for monogamy with my bisexuality... is difficult at best.
For me it is one personal truth in direct conflict with another personal truth.
Feelings so overriding...

[IanBorthwick]

As a poly bi male, all I can say is do what the hell you like and what feels right to you, don't tell me how to live my life and I won't tell you how to live yours. Everything else is getting hung up on bullshit. And if you don't toss bullshit my way, you don't get any back.

Right?

But conversely, taking it to people who have felt so pressured they rebut on the whole monogamy idea because they've been squeezed in life, is just stupid. Let them talk, it's not an insult to you anymore than this counterattack is an insult to me.

[Long Duck Dong]

Why can't we have a tri marriage or quad?
It's perfectly legitimate in our cultures to love both masculine and feminine (mother and father) regardless of your gender.
I would love nothing more than to have an exclusive sexual/emotional relationship with one woman and one man.
But, opinion warning, I am very near the center of bisexual criteria.
If I have no relationship, then various things kick in...
manic social explorations - bar hopping,
alcohol consumption,
self destructiveness.
If I have a relationship with a man, then these same mechanisms kick in until I have been with a woman.
If I have a relationship with a woman, then these same mechanisms kick in until I have been with a man.
Monogamy, I believe is part of our nature and best interests.
Reconciling my belief/feelings for monogamy with my bisexuality... is difficult at best.
For me it is one personal truth in direct conflict with another personal truth.
Feelings so overriding...

I understand what you are saying.........

the trouble with poly marriages, is that people tend to see the one male / 20 wives type poly marriage....lol

but yes, there is room for poly marriages, like a MMF / FFM / MMFF type poly marriage, as there is relationships and marriage style unions that embrace that style of relationship, that are solid and secure relationships.....

I know there was requests for it in nz, and the religious movement worked fast to shut down any idea of changes to * their * sacred * ceremony...and that did amuse me as marriage has never been a christian only aspect of life.....

I do know some people that a poly marriage is what they are suited to, v's a one on one marriage..... and we are talking about people in a long term poly relationship, with all primaries.....

as for the bisexuality v's the desire to be monogamous, I know that well....... too well lmao....