a lack of dishonest and unfaithful women ???

[Long Duck Dong]

in the 4 years I have been in the site.... I am often noticed the multiple threads about how do I get my wife / partner to accept my bisexuality....the my wife / partner doesn't understand so I have to cheat.....the I am bisexual and have needs/ wants and desires so I should not have toe restrict myself.....

now I know that they all appear to be male biased threads....and I make no apologies for that.... as its predominately males that create the threads.....

but I can not help but notice there is a over whelming male based attitude of how the wife / partner / female is at fault...... lol.... and they say that males are not one track minded....lol

that aside.... I have noticed a resounding lack of threads that are posted by males that address the issue of * omg my wife / partner etc... is having a affair with another bloke cos I am not meeting her needs etc *

I can not help but wonder why that is..... the closest we get is the threads where guys post about how good it is to have their wives and partners fucked by other blokes.......

but...yeah... a strange absence of * my wife is not respecting me and she is having sex with others *

I suppose there is a number of reasons why we are not seeing the threads, and sorry people, I am not inclined to believe its cos it doesn't happen.....if anything... its cos I am inclined to believe that A) females are not single minded and sex driven ...B) that females do not generally have affairs and stay in marriages as much as males do.... C) females have the balls to state its over

I am not denying that there are unfaithful women in the world..... yet.....in a bisexual site, its unusually odd to see a absence of ladies posting how they are bisexual and having to cheat cos their partners refuse to accept their bisexuality.....

I could imagine the reasons ...
1) hubby holds his dick with 4 fingers and pisses on 3 of them
2) I get sore arms from having to push back the beer belly, just to find his dick
3) bloody horse and hubby need to change dicks.... as hubby doesn't need a 20 inch dick and the horse is getting laughed at for having a 9 inch one

ok..... so we have a issue here...... no wife / partner is cheating on the male threads.....

so what is it that is causing this...... is it that the ladies put more effort into a marriage and relationship...... have more respect for their partners...... have skill at remaining discreet and private......or they value marriage and relationships so much, that they leave them instead of fucking the marriage by cheating

what is the special qualities of the female race, that the males are lacking....and why is it predominately males that are complaining so much about dick restrictions and how they have to cheat........ ?????

ladies, please feel free to share your wisdom as I am very interested to hear from the ( and I say this honestly ) superior gender.......

[alli_smiles]

:compuser:You are just plain funny. I think the number one reason you don't see it is because most men I know don't have a problem with their girlfriends/wifes being bi....In fact it seems to be the reverse, cuz the guy thinks about being in the middle of it ;-) I have had a couple of prior boyfriends who were dissappointed that I was perfectly happy with them, and only wanted/needed one relationship at a time, male or female.

[citystyleguy]

"...its cos I am inclined to believe that A) females are not single minded and sex driven ...B) that females do not generally have affairs and stay in marriages as much as males do.... C) females have the balls to state its over;..."

amen, brother!

"...ladies, please feel free to share your wisdom as I am very interested to hear from the ( and I say this honestly ) superior gender......."

i can't wait!

[Long Duck Dong]

I was not confining it to bi females.......

while it would appear that bi females are enjoyed by most males..... there is not that many males that would be accepting of their female partner going off with another male for sex, when the male partner is lacking in the male dept

but when the shoe is on the other foot.... it appears that males ( bi males ) have no issues for the most part on playing the field if the wife / partner is not sexually interested......

I am curious as to why that may be.......

[DuckiesDarling]

Well far be it from me to make you wait, Citystyleguy.

I may be straight but cheating has no boundaries.

For me, I was cheated on six years into what was a 10 year marriage. He had no good reason he could give me for cheating and like an idiot and for the sake of our children I kept him.

When I decided to divorce I did not do it because I had found someone. I did it despite the fear of being alone. Making the decision to divorce wasn't easy and once made in my eyes despite the begging was irreversible.

Within a few weeks of filing a good friend became a lover and then a partner and the love of my life.

Legally, I suppose you could say I'm cheating now because the divorce wasn't final during three sex filled months in NZ, but with him out of the house for almost two years it may as well be.

I didn't sneak around and plan a meeting online while he slept five feet away. I kicked him out of my house and moved on with my life.

So I think the reason you don't see males posting about their wives/girlfriends cheating is because most women have enough balls to get off the sinking ship when the water pours in faster than you can bail.

Only thing standing between me and legally being able to take LDD's hand and show the world I love is a tiny piece of paper called a divorce decree.

Soon that will be mine and I can get on with building my life with my anam cara.

[Canticle]

Well far be it from me to make you wait, Citystyleguy.

I may be straight but cheating has no boundaries.

For me, I was cheated on six years into what was a 10 year marriage. He had no good reason he could give me for cheating and like an idiot and for the sake of our children I kept him.

When I decided to divorce I did not do it because I had found someone. I did it despite the fear of being alone. Making the decision to divorce wasn't easy and once made in my eyes despite the begging was irreversible.

Within a few weeks of filing a good friend became a lover and then a partner and the love of my life.

Legally, I suppose you could say I'm cheating now because the divorce wasn't final during three sex filled months in NZ, but with him out of the house for almost two years it may as well be.

I didn't sneak around and plan a meeting online while he slept five feet away. I kicked him out of my house and moved on with my life.

So I think the reason you don't see males posting about their wives/girlfriends cheating is because most women have enough balls to get off the sinking ship when the water pours in faster than you can bail.

Only thing standing between me and legally being able to take LDD's hand and show the world I love is a tiny piece of paper called a divorce decree.

Soon that will be mine and I can get on with building my life with my anam cara.

I would agree with you DD, that cheating has no boundaries, though I prefer to use the word infidelity. In legal terms, I am still ''attached'' to someone who was unfaithful and that infidelity does not necessarily need to have ended up, as some lurid sexual union, between the spouse and the ''other person.''

For me, a marriage is far more than a piece of paper and a legal joining. Respect and love play a big part and also, one person not trying to bully and belittle the other and act as an interrogator of any children. Infidelity ends a marriage immediately, as far as I am concerned, for once a vow has been broken, the marriage is null and void.

Sadly, we often find out other things about a person, which make us realise that a whole marriage has been a lie. Things discovered, which can be even more devastating, than infidelity. These findings, can also make the children of a marriage, feel just as devastated. The parent loses their respect and yet the spouse who is the injured party, will still insist that respect is shown.

Sometimes, although a woman has enough balls to up and leave a marriage, it may not be possible, for some time. If a child, in education, is still at home, there is that to consider. And if one has no job, hasn't worked for many years and jobs are hard to come by, heading out, on ones own, can be a very difficult goal to attain.

Of course, when the youngest child is 18 and a solicitor tells one, that Yes, you have all the reasons, which you require, for a divorce...except one thing....you're still living under the same roof as the husband....things become more difficult.

Someone has to move out and yet, when a property is jointly owned and all the children are over 18, neither party has to agree to move out. I am in that position. I am in a null and void marriage, where he cooks for himself and does his own laundry, has his own room and we hardly speak. I can't move out. I'd have nowhere to go and I don't really want to leave the village which has been my home, for 30 years.

Sometimes, we can't just kick someone out and move on. Sometimes we are forced into staying as adependent, when every day it breaks us a little more, to have to be so. How I wish, I could find full time work, move out, have a very small apartment and go get my divorce, but it's not as easy as that and the older one becomes, the more difficult it gets.

My husband was unfaithful in 2005. With my first knowledge of that, a marriage, which was dead anyway, was rendered null and void. I don't consider myself married and he is just a legal problem. What was more upsetting, than anything, was that he knew that I would never have been unfaithful, because it went against everything I believe in. I could never have done that, but once a vow is broken and rendered null and void, there is nothing left. It's over.

I'd give my eye teeth to be able to have a decree absolute. I sold my rings long ago, but made sure I did not benefit by the sale. It's hell being in such a situation, but women in my position do finally get their freedom.....no matter how long it takes. Divorce should be far more easy, when you are my age, but the rules are there, and have to be adhered to.

When I do get divorced, I will never be able to afford my own property, I will probably have to work, until I drop and I will not be at all wealthy, not by any means. But I'd rather have that, than remain in hell, for another 25 - 30 years.

I'm not wanting to divorce, because of finding someone else, either. I decided I wanted a divorce, way back in 2005. But getting one is not always that easy.

I can't imagine why anyone would want to sneak around and plan an on line meeting, whilst their spouse was asleep. How pointless. The people I have corresponded with and whom I make three dimensional friends, my estranged spouse, has always known about. Something he didn't give me the courtesy of knowing about, where the many females, he emailed, was concerned. But then I believe in real...three dimensional friendship and love of those individuals....even if one never meets those people.

[citystyleguy]

...thank you both for the insightful comments; very critical to me as a male, given the women that have been part of my life! So where are our other beautiful women, cosidering your plentiful positions on so many other threads.:rolleyes:

[tenni]

We are still not hearing from the ladies who are willing to acknowledge unfaithfulness.

Statistics state that more men are unfaithful than women. It ranges from:

1/-WomanSaver.com
of more than 9, 400 women who responded to a survey, 49% stated that they had cheated and another 26% said that they had no problem stepping over the line

2/ estimates that up to 55% of women and 60% of men will cheat (during their marriage or relationship)

[Long Duck Dong]

Women are just as likely to cheat on their boyfriends or husbands as men are to cheat on their wives or girlfriends.

Don't think that women are somehow above cheating or that it's rare and never happens.

yeah but I do not see them in the forums posting and blaming their husbands / partners for their cheating.... so I am curious as to why

[tenni]

You don't see any women even admitting that they cheated on this site very often either. None in nearly the past 24 hours it seems.


One article written by a woman stated that women cheat just as often as men but are much more "discreet" about admitting it to anyone..not even a good friend. Men on the other hand have a tendency to blab to a friend etc.

They do blame their husbands or lovers.

Why women (I) Cheat
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=8424972

1/ There's no passion
2/ To delay a breakup
3/ Because absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder
4/ So she is not left out in the cold
5/ She deserves better
6/ She's looking for a missing piece
7/ To give him a taste of his own medicine
8/ There's something missing in the physical department

http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/whypeoplecheat/a/whywomencheat.htm
1/ low self esteem
2/ emotionally starved
3/ Angry at husband's cheating
4/ sexually deprived

http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Relationships/Wreckage/6_Reasons_Why_Women_Cheat.aspx
Reasons
1/ Familiarity has bred indifference
2/ leading parallel lives with spouse
3/ Passion has fizzled
4/ fantasy has fizzled
5/ Ego needs a boost
6/ Payback time





yeah but I do not see them in the forums posting and blaming their husbands / partners for their cheating.... so I am curious as to why

[Long Duck Dong]

thats articles tenni..... I am curious what the ladies in the site have to say....

I am not saying that the articles are not valid as I agree, they are..... but its the lack of the threads in the site that is what interests me...... and with female members posting in the site, its a more personal response where I can ask questions to clarify things in case I misunderstand something

its a lil unfair, I do acknowledge that I was expecting more of a input from the ladies, in a bisexual site.... but I have a few ideas why that could be

1) more males support open relationships so females are less likely to cheat for fulfilling sex...

2) females are more caution and careful with cheating and less likely to play the field....

3) females are more likely to retain a causal lover and remain single, than get into a relationship and have multiple casual hook ups

4) females are more likely to have a intimate encounter with another person.... than visit a gloryhole in a book shop ( there is other reasons involved there )

5) females are not inclined to do the whole quick shag, hook up, rub, suck fuck and run thing.....

6) females just do not feel the need to crow like a rooster about their issues, needs and desires, they just go deal with them and get on with their lives

[luv2play8899]

I think you are on the right track.
Very generally speaking, women are more likely to stray for emotional reasons.
Men just like to get off....and do so frequently.




1) more males support open relationships so females are less likely to cheat for fulfilling sex...

2) females are more caution and careful with cheating and less likely to play the field....

3) females are more likely to retain a causal lover and remain single, than get into a relationship and have multiple casual hook ups

4) females are more likely to have a intimate encounter with another person.... than visit a gloryhole in a book shop ( there is other reasons involved there )

5) females are not inclined to do the whole quick shag, hook up, rub, suck fuck and run thing.....

6) females just do not feel the need to crow like a rooster about their issues, needs and desires, they just go deal with them and get on with their lives

[**Peg**]

"females" just do not feel the need to crow like a rooster about their issues, needs and desires, they just go deal with them and get on with their lives

can't speak for all other women, but I sure do... fix it, forget it and move on. It gets easier every time :)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Now lookee here. I aint gettin up on the roof at the crack of Dawn, or Don, flappin my arms at my sides and crowin' for No Body! I luff ya Duck, but it aint gunna happen. (Scare shit outta the poor neighbors) LOL
And, I havent cheated on anyone to be able to fess up. In all of the 30 years that I was married to a cheating spouse did I cheat. I had motive, and I had means, but I didnt. I dont know if that makes me incredibly loyal, or incredibly stupid. Take yer pick.
So I caint help you on this one, Sugar. ;)
Cat

[Annika L]

I've watched this thread with some interest, and have thought quite a bit about whether and how to respond. Ultimately, it felt to me that with as much as I've posted to fidelity-oriented threads, it may be only honest to drag out some ancient history and comment here.

I have two main thoughts on this topic:

(1) One reason why women may not talk about their cheating episodes *could* be that such episodes are more painful to the woman than they would be to a man, and she'd rather forget about them. You want stories from women who have cheated? LOL, then this non-lurid tale is bound to disappoint, but here it is anyway (with apologies up front for the length).

Before I met my current partner, I had another. She and I cared deeply for one another, and planned to stay together indefinitely. This was back in the days when I felt strongly about monogamous relationships...a philosophy she and I both shared. I had been raised on the notion that a person can only truly love one person at a time, and I'd not yet lived long enough to question this assumption too deeply. I was, as they say, young (19) and foolish.

Then one summer, while necessarily away from my partner (whom I'd been with for 1.5 years), I met an incredible person. We started as friends, although there was some level of tension and attraction right from the start. She was what you might call bi-curious, but had been dating a particular guy for about 6 years (yes, that means they started when she was about 13).

As Summer turned to Fall and we both returned to our respective schools and partners, close friendship turned to writing letters secretively (this was in the days before e-mail :eek:) turned to late-night secret phone calls...all platonic, of course, though positively dripping with emotion. Meanwhile, my relationship with my gf became predictably rocky. Still, my friend and I were both in utter denial that this was anything but a beautiful close friendship!

After a few months, my friend from the summer invited me and some other friends to visit her...my gf was understandably opposed, but let me go...myself, I felt I couldn't *not* go. During this visit, my friend and I had a serious heart-to-heart, where we finally admitted to ourselves that we loved one another, followed by the hottest makeout session I've ever had in my life, the heat partly enhanced by the tremendous guilt we both felt toward our current partners. Again, I was still living with the assumption that if I loved this person, then I must *not* love my gf anymore...today this line of reasoning sounds ridiculous to me, but at the time it made sense. I could/should have realized that I very much loved both of them. Nonetheless, when I got back to my gf, I told her I needed to give a relationship with this new person a chance...to both of us, this necessarily meant breaking up, which cause us both quite a lot of pain for quite a long while. My partner did the same with her bf.

In the end this relationship has more than "worked out" (24 years together with no signs of slowing). But I never stopped feeling terrible about that night, wonderful as it was, when my current partner and I decided that we needed to be together. I don't think I ever even told my ex-gf about it, for Pete's sake...but I knew damned well that the make-out session was a violation of our monogamy understanding, I knew that even while in denial, I had been engaged in a huge emotional violation, and despite the denial, at some level I knew that there was something fishy about the fact that I was keeping the letters and phone calls secret from my partner.

Ok, there it is...I, Annika, have cheated, even if many will think it was a tepid cheat at best, and that I'm being far too uptight. I've never claimed to be an angel (and certainly never claimed not to be uptight, lol)...but I do claim to value honoring agreements and understandings with my partners. Part of this value is feeling like total shit when I violate an agreement or understanding (when I cheat...see, I don't need to avoid the word).

Back to why you don't hear many of these stories (most of which are probably a good deal more interesting than this one) from women: because I feel like shit when I think about this, I don't often think about this...and I certainly don't often share this kind of information with strangers and put it out there as something I either need to defend or need to brag about! I'd just as soon forget about it...it was a painful and (at the time, seemingly) necessary step toward forging an incredible relationship...and the event is over. I only drag it out now because (a) people are in good faith (I believe) asking for such stories, and others aren't stepping up, and (b) I feel like as much as I talk about monogamy and fidelity, it's not inappropriate that people have some idea that I don't consider myself flawless in these areas.

My guess is that comparatively few men feel so emotionally torn when they cheat. I know some do. But I'm guessing most don't.

(2) Perhaps the *main* reason you don't see women admitting or talking about their infidelities is that society judges women who cheat much more harshly than it judges men. I've read a lot of complaining from men here that society is more accepting of bisexual women than of bisexual men...that trend is reversed for infidelity. They have words for men and women who cheat...when a woman is unfaithful, she is frequently a "slut", or for a slightly more positive spin, "vixen", or if one is sufficiently unabashed about it (and/or happens to live in the UK *smiles at Fran*), "tart". When a man is unfaithful, he is called...well...a man...or perhaps "typical".. (Yes, in both cases the men and women are called "cheaters", but beyond that, the names I've given show the judgment attached to said cheating.) Fair or not, this is how society calls it.

So give us a break if we prefer to keep our infidelities more quiet, and in return, we'll give men a break (at least within the LGBT community) if they more frequently choose not to make their sexuality public. Deal?

Does this help any? Or will I now be lambasted for turning this into yet another thread on cheating?

[Long Duck Dong]

I will not judge you annika........ and thank you for a very interesting insight into a female mind

yes, the emotional issues is something that I have thought about.... and I am glad you mentioned it..... as I do agree, it does appear that males that are not emotional towards hook ups, would very much not feel the guilt about cheating on a emotional level.....yet their partner at home would feel it very emotionally if they found out

I can relate to that aspect, as I have told DD openly that cheating for me, could be easy cos I lack the emotional range of the average person so not safeguards there for me... but cos I also lack the sexual drive, there is no reason for me to cheat anyway......
the thing that would and does stop me cheating, is a deep sense of loyalty to a person and cheating is akin to betrayal of their trust in me to stand by my word that I would not stray....something that I could not and would not allow myself to do......

and yes..... I do understand societies reaction to females that cheat.... a lot of the people I know that are male, would shit bricks if their female partner cheated on them.... yet they are the same people that have blamed their female partners for the males cheating.....

over the years I have developed the understanding that a females cheating is more likely to have a emotional aspect to it, more than just a straight sexual base... and I am not sure of that is cos females can be more emotional expressive than males.... but I have noticed that males that are more emotionally expressive, tend to have stronger and longer monogamous relationships than males / females that are emotionally cold......

again, thank you annika.... your story is interesting and has given me a very clear different side of things to muse over....... and I can not help but notice the clearer and stronger emotions in your story v's most stories by males that are predominately more sexual......

[just4mefc]

...
I have two main thoughts on this topic:

(1) One reason why women may not talk about their cheating episodes *could* be that such episodes are more painful to the woman than they would be to a man, and she'd rather forget about them...

My guess is that comparatively few men feel so emotionally torn when they cheat. I know some do. But I'm guessing most don't.

(2) Perhaps the *main* reason you don't see women admitting or talking about their infidelities is that society judges women who cheat much more harshly than it judges men... Fair or not, this is how society calls it...
Does this help any?

Annika, thanks for sharing and reliving your story. Sounds a bit painful for you to be so reveling. I cheated on every woman I ever dated until I met my wife. I always felt horrible! I was never one too just bang any woman who came along mind you, it was usually toward the end of a relationship. Very similar to your story. But I still carry some guilt for the hurt I caused.

I think your points as to why we don't hear about it from women are spot on. I have one more reason for you, women who cheat are smarter then men! My wife had cheated on everyone before me as well, part of her nature to like sexual adventure. No one ever knew about it other then people she was fucking of course. She did not feel all that much guilt, she always felt like it was just part of who she was. But she knew sooner or later a cheater will leave an email open, forget to erase the history file to a website, etc. So the fewer the loose ends the better. Men tend to want to brag somewhere. To beat our chest so to speak. She will never post any of her stories anywhere on the net. No matter how well conceived her fake identity might be.
:2cents:

[Annika L]

Dammit! I go on for what feels like pages, disclosing all kinds of personal history, and someone goes and summarizes the point beautifully and aptly in a couple short paragraphs with no personal detail whatsoever!

*sigh*

I dunno about your last theory, just4me...both men and women get caught cheating, as tenni's statistics suggest. I'm always leery of supposing that one sex is smarter than the other...perhaps it's safer to say that we're each "differently abled". :tong:

[just4mefc]

Dammit! I go on for what feels like pages, disclosing all kinds of personal history, and someone goes and summarizes the point beautifully and aptly in a couple short paragraphs with no personal detail whatsoever!

*sigh*

I dunno about your last theory, just4me...both men and women get caught cheating, as tenni's statistics suggest. I'm always leery of supposing that one sex is smarter than the other...perhaps it's safer to say that we're each "differently abled". :tong:

To quote Forrest Gump "stupid is as stupid does" :)

[tenni]

Annika Thank you for being an openly honest woman.

I agree with you on the different approaches between men and women. The research that I either reported or have read agrees with Just4 and your observations. The one about women being more secretive and smart has been backed up by other articles that I have read. Your reasons about how society view women who cheat is interesting and valid.

I'd like to raise what I see going on on this site. Recently, a female poster asked about whether she should change for her bf as far as her bisexuality. She admitted that she had cheated on him with another woman and that she would have to tell him eventually. She laid some blame on the other woman initiating it. She sought advice of the group. People focused on her not changing for him and gave no condemnation for her cheating. A male poster told how he had not told his wife of 18 years that he was bisexual. He never admitted exactly cheating but reported that his wife had found gay porn on his computer. She left him. Another male poster took that opportunity to condemn him as a cheater and said that he got what he deserved. This condemnation of male bisexuals who go outside of their relationship happens over and over again here and it is more than not another male doing the condemning. Now, your concern is about the general society condemning women for cheating and I wonder if it is both men and women or one more so than the other. Mostly males on this site condemn other males for cheating and no condemnation of women is interesting. Men also tend to use different language and do rationalize rather than lay themselves down like females ridden with guilt seeking help...some males may have guilt though and lay themselves down in a submissive way while others ...

Men tend to take an entirely different approach at times to sex than women. I think that for some bisexual men it is easier to separate same sex from opposite sex sexual activity. I was reading such thought from male bisexuals on another site just tonight. I've also heard it from male bisexuals. For some guys, guy/guy play is just that..play. There is no emotion and it is an entirely different "cheat". For some guys sex outside of love is just a sport and emotion does not have to be involved but once a guy's emotions are involved things change for many guys. This no emotion sex happens whether it is with another man or woman as Just4 admitted doing with other women when he was in a mf relationship. It just may be more common in male bisexuals with other males than female bisexuals with other females. I agree that women tend not to do have sex as a sport without emotion...or do they? Traditionally, it is presented that women do involve their emotions with sex than men. It may be that when men emotionally cheat that they may experience more guilt similar to women. Men may just tend to dip the wick more readily without emotion. :eek:

[just4mefc]

Annika Thank you for being an openly honest woman.

I agree with you on the different approaches between men and women. The research that I either reported or have read agrees with Just4 and your observations. The one about women being more secretive and smart has been backed up by other articles that I have read. Your reasons about how society view women who cheat is interesting and valid.

I'd like to raise what I see going on on this site. Recently, a female poster asked about whether she should change for her bf as far as her bisexuality. She admitted that she had cheated on him with another woman and that she would have to tell him eventually. She laid some blame on the other woman initiating it. She sought advice of the group. People focused on her not changing for him and gave no condemnation for her cheating. A male poster told how he had not told his wife of 18 years that he was bisexual. He never admitted exactly cheating but reported that his wife had found gay porn on his computer. She left him. Another male poster took that opportunity to condemn him as a cheater and said that he got what he deserved. This condemnation of male bisexuals who go outside of their relationship happens over and over again here and it is more than not another male doing the condemning. Now, your concern is about the general society condemning women for cheating and I wonder if it is both men and women or one more so than the other. Mostly males on this site condemn other males for cheating and no condemnation of women is interesting. Men also tend to use different language and do rationalize rather than lay themselves down like females ridden with guilt seeking help...some males may have guilt though and lay themselves down in a submissive way while others ...

Men tend to take an entirely different approach at times to sex than women. I think that for some bisexual men it is easier to separate same sex from opposite sex sexual activity. I was reading such thought from male bisexuals on another site just tonight. I've also heard it from male bisexuals. For some guys, guy/guy play is just that..play. There is no emotion and it is an entirely different "cheat". For some guys sex outside of love is just a sport and emotion does not have to be involved but once a guy's emotions are involved things change for many guys. This no emotion sex happens whether it is with another man or woman as Just4 admitted doing with other women when he was in a mf relationship. It just may be more common in male bisexuals with other males than female bisexuals with other females. I agree that women tend not to do have sex as a sport without emotion...or do they? Traditionally, it is presented that women do involve their emotions with sex than men. It may be that when men emotionally cheat that they may experience more guilt similar to women. Men may just tend to dip the wick more readily without emotion. :eek:

Simple biology answer, men are born with a dick and a brain but only enough blood to run one at a time ;)

To clarify I seldom had sex just for sex. There was almost always a very strong emotional component.

[Annika L]

This thread appears to be dying, so I won't feel *too* bad about taking it slightly off-topic for a moment. I considered posting a new thread for this discussion, but decided that this thread had migrated close enough to this topic that I'd just keep it all together.

Not too far back in this thread, tenni posted an important observation:


I'd like to raise what I see going on on this site. Recently, a female poster asked about whether she should change for her bf as far as her bisexuality. She admitted that she had cheated on him with another woman and that she would have to tell him eventually. She laid some blame on the other woman initiating it. She sought advice of the group. People focused on her not changing for him and gave no condemnation for her cheating. A male poster told how he had not told his wife of 18 years that he was bisexual. He never admitted exactly cheating but reported that his wife had found gay porn on his computer. She left him. Another male poster took that opportunity to condemn him as a cheater and said that he got what he deserved. This condemnation of male bisexuals who go outside of their relationship happens over and over again here and it is more than not another male doing the condemning. Now, your concern is about the general society condemning women for cheating and I wonder if it is both men and women or one more so than the other. Mostly males on this site condemn other males for cheating and no condemnation of women is interesting. Men also tend to use different language and do rationalize rather than lay themselves down like females ridden with guilt seeking help...some males may have guilt though and lay themselves down in a submissive way while others ...


I *think* I know which thread tenni is referring to where the woman claimed to have cheated, and was not censured.

I could not find the thread tenni is referring to where a man had been married 18 years and was told he deserved to lose his wife just for looking at gay porn on the internet. Tenni...could you please give us the thread names and/or links to relevant posts?

Now for my part, if I'm looking at the right thread, the woman's admission of cheating came mid-thread after many posts, and so many posters wouldn't have noticed it, maybe...but some did, and yes, she got a pass. Assuming the other thread tenni mentions exists and pretty much goes as he says, then it's a very interesting observation...at least among *bisexuals*, women get a pass on cheating that men don't?

Ok, I have two observations relevant to this, and they are somewhat related:

(1) In most of the threads and conversations about cheating on this site, people are far less condemned for cheating than for *denying* that they are cheating (when they are having sex with someone other than their partner, despite being in a supposedly monogamous relationship, without their partner's knowledge), or otherwise rationalizing their cheating. I have both said and heard over and over (put lots of ways), "cheat if you must, but call a spade a spade". In other words, people are more critical of not being onto yourself and your actions than they are critical of your actual behavior.

(2) My other observation is that people get more of a pass on *any* behavior that is considered bad when they admit that their behavior was bad, and seem apologetic about it...maybe even want to change. People are criticized more sharply when their behavior is more brazen or they indicate that they feel entitled (by their sexuality or whatever else) to the behavior that is generally considered bad.

Applying this to the case of the first thread mentioned above, my read was that this woman was confused and struggling with her sexuality...she had cheated, but she felt guilty about it (even if she shared the blame with her female partner), and planned to confess to her fiance.... Given this, I'm not shocked that people didn't jump down her throat about her having cheated.

As I said, I don't know the other thread tenni was talking about with the guy, but I recall a particular thread not *too* long ago by a male who was claiming that anybody would be *stupid* to tell their female partners that they were bisexual, and offered tips on how to cheat effectively and cover your tracks...but outright refused to accept that what he was doing behind his wife's back was cheating. People did jump down this person's throat, and the whole thread spiralled out of control.

Is this a case of a women getting a pass on cheating, but not a man? I don't think so, really. I think it's a case of people accepting that we all make mistakes and being supportive of someone struggling with their situation, as long as the person realizes that their behavior needs to be addressed, but that people are critical of others feeling that they are entitled to infidelity, or entitled to redefine infidelity (without their partner's involvement) in light of their sexuality.

Having said all that, I do share tenni's disappointment and frustration that people seem unwilling or unable to critically engage in discussions of infidelity. As soon as the subject comes up, you almost always see (very quickly) several people offering such thoughtful advice as "it's this simple: cheating is wrong". Duh, thanks. Then everyone runs to their various camps and turns their brains off and starts slinging garbage back and forth until the thread dies.

But what *is* cheating? Why is it so bad? Is it or should it be defined differently for bisexuals? (and why or why not??) Does cheating actually hurt the partner cheated on, or is cheating a neutral act, as long as you don't get caught? (and why??) Is it pretty much inevitable that you *will* get caught? Even if it's generally wrong, are there *ever* cases where it could be considered justifiable? COME ON, PEOPLE, THIS IS COMPLEX STUFF! It deserves more than one-line platitudes...if that's all you can offer, why bother? Everyone knows the one-liners by the time they're old enough to be on this site...why the need to repeat them?

I started a thread a while back that said hey, a lot of people here seem to feel that cheating is justified in their case, and I'd like to hear from them about why they feel this way, because I don't understand...I specifically stated that I don't want to *debate* whether cheating is right or wrong...I just want to hear why some think it's ok. It didn't take many posts at all before some genius felt the need to post their "Cheating of any kind is wrong" response, and the whole thing nose-dived after that.

What goes on? Why can this topic not even be discussed? Are we so threatened by the concept that we can't tolerate other people having a rational discussion about it?

I'll end by saying that *this* thread is by far the best discussion of infidelity I've seen...so thank you LDD. But tenni will probably point out that it's a thread about *women* cheating. And he'd be right to do so...so I save him the trouble by pointing it out myself.

Is there a reason we can have an interesting discussion of female infidelity, but not one of male infidelity, or of infidelity in general?

*braces herself for the shit-storm*

[littlerayofsunshine]

well. I for one never saw where she wrote she cheated, but i did however scroll back through the many many posts to find the one sentence that said she did.

But that really isn't the issue.

Maybe her not being condemned for cheating is a good thing. Considering for one.. that it has caused great grief and many sleepless nights for tenni when bisexuals get griefed for cheating, by other bisexuals.

Maybe people are tired of the whole cheating issue and would rather ignore it for a while.

Maybe women cheating occurs so rarely on this board, that people were actually interested in the female reasoning on it.

Or maybe like me.. and no one really saw it.


But i understand the whole childish "But but.. lookie that.. lookie there. How cum he didn't get in trouble. Wahhhhhh, I'm going to over to this thread and pout about it. Hmph"
argument.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol ok

with the first thread with the lady looking at marriage, with a partner that was new to religion and bits and pieces....... yes she admitted cheating and tenni wants to know why she was not drawn and quartered....

I didn't cos of a number of reasons, she had told her partner she was bi.... she admitted she was in the wrong, she was trying to sort things out before things got more complicated.....and she was taking a lot of responsibility for her own actions, not passing the buck.....

the second case,... the guy was caught with porn on the computer and his wife left him, stating he was gay, so its a valid reason to never tell your partner as they will up and leave you

with that, something told me, that if she up and left in 3 days and changed everything like her phone etc, and left the car, and brought herself a new one etc.... that there was more to this than was stated......
I got the feeling that she may have wanted to leave, but lacked a reason in her favour...... the finding the gay porn, was a reason she could use......


I am the type of person that disagrees with cheating.... but its more the betrayal of the partner by way of lieing, dishonesty and the lack of respect and choice for a partner, that I have the issue with.......more than the cheating.....

people will say things that I do not understand, they can not tell their partner, their partner will not accept them, understand them, or allow for extra sexual behievour...... but always, its the same thing..... they want sex and feel they are entitled to sex.......

my argument is your partner is entitled to a choice, they entered into a marriage with a person they believe is faithful and honest with them..... how wrong they are..... yet people are happy to allow their partner to continue to believe that.......

the other aspect, is the risk...... and I know that so well, having watched my own sister die from aids...... but aids is not the only risk... there is sexually transmitted diseases etc.....
then we have the finding out about infidelity and the heartache and pain of that...and anybody that has had a broken heart, knows how much that can screw a person up.........

yet it appears that sex is worth it..... the risk of disease, the risk of a broken heart, the risk of losing everything, dims when compared to the enjoyment of sex

yet, with ladies, I have noticed a clear difference.... yes they may cheat, yes they may go outside of the relationship.... but there is often more reasons than the male reasoning of * I need sex / its my partners fault that I have to cheat *

I have had people in the site, go at me cos I am not a average bisexual.... and how monogamy is forced on people.... yet, monogamy is in my nature, I find no pleasure in hook ups..... but that part appears to be ignored by people and so I do react to the whole monogamy is forced, statement as not everybody is forced, some of us choose the monogamous lifestyle, its less complicated, less issues, and far safer

I also lack a sexual drive, so I generally do not stray....
I tried the casual sex thing growing up, and it really screwed me up inside.... cos I can not see people as pieces of meat to be fucked and dumped.....

yes I have a strict sense of loyalty and respect towards my partners...... and thats part of who I am in general.... yet it is enhanced by a sense of guilt from my past..... a decision to ignore my partners request to give her the car keys cos I was too drunk to drive...and I refused..... less than 5 hours later, she died in my arms...I was 16, and crashing the car cost me my partner and a number of friends......
my decision to drink didn't cause problems, it affected only me.... but when I chose to drive... that decision affected everybody.... they trusted me when I said I would drive, I was fine..... and I knew I was too drunk to drive......

marriage and relationships are built on trust and honesty..... when we say we love our partners and they mean everything to us, they trust us..... yet cheaters act like a drunk driver......and sooner or later........

open relationships, free roaming with permission, swinging.... as long as both partners know.... I have no issues...... and I wish them many happy times....

but your partner is your partner, they are precious and valuable, to you and to others..... they may not always understand or agree with us......... or accept who and what we are...... but its the choices we can make... that can be so destructive and harmful.......

not all relationships are able to be balanced and yes there is relationships that are years long and a person may realise that they want to free roam after 20 years of marriage....so the argument is used that there is no way in hell that their partner will accept this...... and its not a clear cut issue either.....
however.... it again comes down to your marriage v's your sex life..... and a personal choice..... but I am secure in the knowledge that its not my relationship or marriage you put at risk with your actions....so when I say be honest, I can say be honest, its not affecting my relationship / marriage....
but if a person is gonna argue that why should they restrict themselves now..... while to that, I say, your choice is made..... regardless of what I say or anybody says......
you want to go and explore.... then do it..... but remember, its your relationship / marriage, and your partner...and you carry the cost and the burden if it goes belly up

now that I have waffled on far too bloody long I will close with one final thing

how would you feel if you came home to find your partner had been having casual hook ups with people for a while..... and told you, you needed to be checked for a sexually transmitted disease..... or you found out about your partners cheating....... what would your reaction be.... would you just shrug and say thats ok darling, now we can both be out and free..... or would you hit the roof cos your partner has been dishonest to you

the answer, my friend, will reveal to you, how you see the relationship and your role in it.......