Dating a bi-sexual male[I am a straight female] and I have questions

[judayxlo]

Just wondering if any of you have been in or are in a similar situation as I.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now, and I knew from the beginning that he was bi. Well. Before we started dating, I thought he was gay because of things that my friends have told me. [Some directly said it, some said that he was feminine] Though it didn't necessarily bother me in the beginning, as I fell in love with him, I began thinking about it more and more...and it started to bother me. He has been in relationships with both girls and guys, but all of the relationships that he's been in before he and I started going out were guy-guy relationships. Furthermore, I dug through his messages for information [I know this is bad...but I just wanted to knowwww.], and apparently everyone thought that he was strictly gay before he started going out with me. I asked him about this, and he said that it's because he was accepting the 'gay' side of him, and he was dating only guys on purpose to discover more things about it.

On his computer is filled with pictures of half-naked men in seductive positions...but I saw NO pictures of girls...When I asked him about this, he just said that those were there from a long time ago, and that he just didn't delete or change anything. He said that he also had pictures of girls, and he could show me if I wanted.

I know for a fact that he is turned on by me. We have sex, and it does get pretty hot. So this isn't a problem...

He's a wonderful person..and I love him so much...but I'm just insecure...and frankly a little disturbed..
I don't have ANYTHING against people of any sexual orientation. I have many gay friends, and two of my best friends are gay...But I think the thing is...I wouldn't mind the fact that he was bi if he wasn't my BOYFRIEND. The idea that he did anything with any other man is slightly disturbing...and makes me want to cry...
Any of you have advice on how I can get over this feeling?? Because I really do love him with everything that I am...but this is stressing me out a whole lot...I'm not worried that he'll cheat...and I trust him completely...it's just the idea that he's also attracted to men that bothers me.. How do I get over this??

[citystyleguy]

...i seem to be in some advice columnist mode today, i don't know what's gotten into me!

you seem hung up on the fact that someone you have deep feellings for, and in this case are intimate with, that you're are one degree away from your bf's male lover(s)! it is very strange territory for you, and that brings great uncertainty as well. would you feel this way if all that he had had were gf's prior to you?

again, the most important person you need to be discussing this with, is him. for a suggestion, plan something that brings you two togetehr on a long weekend, with his full understanding that you need to discover more about him and his needs and desires, so that you can understand your own needs, desires, etc. in proceeding with your loving relationship.

you will find many responses from a great many others here, so you will not want for options!

best wishes, and let us know what happens!

[DuckiesDarling]

I don't have ANYTHING against people of any sexual orientation. I have many gay friends, and two of my best friends are gay...But I think the thing is...I wouldn't mind the fact that he was bi if he wasn't my BOYFRIEND. The idea that he did anything with any other man is slightly disturbing...and makes me want to cry...
Any of you have advice on how I can get over this feeling?? Because I really do love him with everything that I am...but this is stressing me out a whole lot...I'm not worried that he'll cheat...and I trust him completely...it's just the idea that he's also attracted to men that bothers me.. How do I get over this??

Not to put too fine a point on it, but yeah... grow up. You knew he was bi going in to the relationship but now you have a problem with the fact he is bi. Loving a bi male is not an easy thing to do but you can not change who they are. If he is gonna cheat it wouldn't matter if it was a male or a female it's still cheating. Personally I'm a straight female in my second year of a relationship with a bi male. I don't worry he will cheat on me because he's not the kind that will cheat and I'm 9k miles away from him at the moment. We have our voice convos and norty stories to keep us going until I can back to be in his arms. But while I was there we had a wonderful time. So go check out feeldoes and other strapons or strapless dildos and be prepared to meet his needs. It is possible for a woman to do that and it's a very empowering feeling for you.

But until you get to realize that there is no difference between him and another boyfriend except you can both comment on how hot a guy is, you will have problems.

Read the other threads on here, hope you find the help you need.

[Jackofalltrades]

Talk with him alot, tell him how you feel and have him tell you everything. Honesty is the ground floor of a relationship.
The idea that he did anything with any other man is slightly disturbing...and makes me want to cry...
Search your own thoughts to really find out WHY this bothers you.
In my marrage, all we do is talk about what we want and how we feel. It takes time but it allows us to be at ease when the other is away.
Good Luck
Jack

[vasco]

I am a married man with bisexual fantasies.

What I can tell you is that if you do not have bi fantasies yourself, eventually it is going to bother you whatever he does to satisfy himself sexually.

If you are 100..0% straight, I don't see the point of pursuing this.

Love is nice, but eventually you will wake up and smell the coffee and end this relationship.

Most people have some degree of sexual curiosity with people or friends of the same sex.

I do not consider myself homosexual because I know my bi-desires are only physical, not emotional.

Reflect about this very deeply, and if you have a little curiosity about having sex with the same genter, even when you willl never do it, then it is ok to date a bi-man.

Remember, be honest to yourself first. Then be honest to him.

Good luck!!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Furthermore, I dug through his messages for information [I know this is bad...but I just wanted to knowwww.], and apparently everyone thought that he was strictly gay before he started going out with me. I asked him about this, and he said that it's because he was accepting the 'gay' side of him, and he was dating only guys on purpose to discover more things about it.
On his computer is filled with pictures of half-naked men in seductive positions...but I saw NO pictures of girls...When I asked him about this, he just said that those were there from a long time ago, and that he just didn't delete or change anything. He said that he also had pictures of girls, and he could show me if I wanted.


Wow, you were prowling thru his messages And his computer. What a way to install trust, by snooping thru his past things. You need to sit down and talk to him and get this out of your system. If you dont, its going to tear both of ya'll apart..
Cat

[bigulfcpl]

Sounds like you have trust issues. My wife and I have been together almost 6 years, and she knew that I was bisexual from the beginning. When we first started dating, she knew that I was bi, so we sat down and discussed it. We accept each other for who we are, and we only have bisexual fun together, because that is the turn on for us!

I hope you can discuss this with him and reach a decision.

[darkeyes]

It seems to me that you are suffering from the residuals of your upbringing and the fact that even although homosexuality and bisexuality have made huge strides in gaining acceptability in the last 50 years, society remains predominantly a heterosexual one. It may be legal to be gay or bisexual, and in some countries we can even marry a person of the same sex, yet being such remains in the eyes of our societies, not quite normal... not quite respectable.

It is good that you have gay and bisexual friends, and a bisexual lover. If you are in love whatever his sexuality should not matter. Yet it does. Deep inside you I suspect remains a stumbling block born out of what you see and hear every day in the street and at work, on telly and read in newspapers, what religous men and women preach and what you were taught throughout your childhood.. and it is hurting you and your relationship. It is incredibly difficult to lose inhibitions installed in us when we are very young. I suspect, for I don't know for sure because I don't know you or your history, that this is what remains of the prejudice installed in you by all of these experiences. Many gay and bisexual people never quite lose the shame of what and who they are because of these factors. That is a condemnation of the historical intolerance of our societies and their Judeo/Christian foundations.. we may not believe in old or new testaments but our lives are shaped by them because that is how our societies are.

It can be done, losing this last block on truly accepting what and who your boy friend is.. it does not involve any movement or compromising on your side regarding your own sexuality.. it does however mean embracing what your lover is wholeheartedly and doing all you can to lose this vestige of heterosexual intolerance which the world has instilled in you. It means talking with him, listening and better understanding him, learning what it means, as far as you are able, to be him.

It may be a long journey and will not be that easy, but it need not be an unpleasant one, and in time as you gain knowledge, there is no reason why you and he cannot make things work and have a long and happy passionate and loving relationship. But it is not enough to say you want to embrace all that he is.. you have to want it deep down with all of your heart and all of your being and you must believe it.. if you truly love him.. you will get there..:)

[dman82]

It sounds more like the people you associate with have the bigger problem with him being bi and you dating him, and they are just pushing their feelings off onto you so hard you are questioning yourself. Hey my wife was of 5 years know I was bi when we were just friends. I am still friends with the only guy I ever dated and she has become good friends with him as well. But people handle things differently. I for an example am an outcast to my family, and they now think I am straight since I am married. My wife and friends however love me for who I am because they know all I do to try and help anyone I can.
I know it sounds like I am going off topic but long story short, his past is his past. Talk about it honestly if you both choose to. Learn from it where you can. And finally just think about your future with him, not too hard because life does toss curveballs. Who knows maybe one day you will be so comfortable you two can share a guy together. I say this because like most men I know, most of the women I know think about haveing more then one person at a time also.
Hun this is just you and him right now and nobody else matters. Good luck in figuring things out, and many well wishes things go great for you both.

[just4mefc]

.... and I knew from the beginning that he was bi. ... but all of the relationships that he's been in before he and I started going out were guy-guy relationships. Furthermore, I dug through his messages for information ... apparently everyone thought that he was strictly gay before he started going out with me...

On his computer is filled with pictures of half-naked men in seductive positions...but I saw NO pictures of girls...When I asked him about this, he just said that those were there from a long time ago, and that he just didn't delete or change anything. He said that he also had pictures of girls, and he could show me if I wanted.

I know for a fact that he is turned on by me. We have sex, and it does get pretty hot. So this isn't a problem...

... I love him so much...and frankly a little disturbed..
I don't have ANYTHING against people of any sexual orientation. I have many gay friends, and two of my best friends are gay...But I think the thing is...I wouldn't mind the fact that he was bi if he wasn't my BOYFRIEND. The idea that he did anything with any other man is slightly disturbing...and makes me want to cry...


First off I must acknowledge Darkeyes post it is excellent and I whole heartedly agree with her. Allow me to add the following...

You are not worried about him cheating, you are not worried about his loving you, and you are not worried about your sex appeal nor are you concerned about your ability to please him. Well if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it's a duck. I think you are struggling with your ingrained homophobia. I am not saying your are a homophobe or an evil person. But look at the keys lines in your post above, sounds very much like "but not in my family" kind of thing. Now understand this, many a bi person has struggled with this internal dislike of being "gay" so it is certainly not unusual for a str8 woman to have issues with a bi man. Yes you knew before you got together and you are to be acknowledged for your desire to be open minded, but in reality your are currently no different then a woman who just found out her man is bi. All the same questions seem to be there. So don't dwell on if you knew or not. You need to come to terms with what you call "disturbing and making you cry". The fact you have gay friends is not relevant to what you internally feel is appropriate for a boyfriend. You appear to be having a cognitive dissonance. You feel you love and accept gay people yet are disturbed by your boyfriends gayness. None of this is a judgement by the way. I suggest these things because I believe if you find what is driving this internal conflict you will be able to calm it and move forward. This is obviously causing you distress and I highly recommend you find a psychologist to help you uncover your conflict. It is very doable and if you love him worth the effort. :)

[toto001]

ME PERSONAL GO AND BUY A DOUBLE HEAD DILDO AND GET HOME AND USED IN YOU TWO IT WILL MAKE THINGS BETTER THAT WAY HE DONT TINK ON GUYS IL HAVE IT AT HOME .TRUST ME.GOOD LOOK.;)

[void()]

From personal experience the advice, "seek professional help", is worth heeding. I'm the bi husband of ten years, boyfriend of almost thirteen. We're open and honest with one another and our respective partner/s.

We communicate.

Is it always easy? No. Are we stronger as individuals and as a couple for it? Yes. Is there another 'quick fix shortcut'? No.

Can I be any more clear? I do not know but doubt it.

And I concur with DuckiesDarling ... grow up. Seems you're having trouble in that so, follow just4mefc's advice of 'seek professional help'. No intention here to be curt or otherwise ill toward anyone. But it does get frustrating reading your story over and over on these threads.

Maybe it isn't your story personally, or maybe not exact same details ... but the same conversational intonations exist. And these are used in verbal, and literary baiting as means to set up a barrage attack. Stop playing the victim. As you state firstly in your post, you knew he was bi going into the situation. You continued onward.

Does that not imply compliance, acceptance? I think it would. Again, drawing from personal experience, that's what it meant to me when my wife agreed to marry. I asked her about a month into the marriage if we could be open. She told me to give her time to think.

I did not ask again, she thought for five years. At that point she told me, without prodding, coaching ... she wanted us to be open. And so we are, probably will remain. Though, we as a couple retain the right to alter things to suit ourselves. Again, we talk, communicate. There is no other way.

If you are not mature enough to broach the subject with him privately, why broach it here? This web site is obviously for people who have at least a modicum of maturity. As a consensus, most bi folks on the site are quite secure in themselves, happy. That requires some bit of maturity.

Hopefully you won't see this as a personal attack. It isn't meant as such. Instead, I'm trying to present a small nudging of self help guidance for all the threads like yours. It really does get tiresome repeating, we talk, communicate, are honest.

If that appears too simple, apologies. But it works.

[someotherguy]

Furthermore, I dug through his messages for information [I know this is bad...but I just wanted to knowwww.], How do I get over this??

Make yourself stand in a corner until you figure out why your snooping impulse has a stranglehold on your better judgment. Once you get that, the other thing will be obvious.

[judayxlo]

Thank you for all of your responses!
Seriously..I was just seeking advice with some of my internal conflict...I apologize to anyone who was offended by anything I've mentioned.

Everything that you have said makes perfect sense;;
Again, I wasn't meaning to sound ignorant or immature in any way;; I was just ranting for a bit;;
Don't get the wrong idea. My boyfriend and I are pretty much open about everything-- I just wanted some input before I talked to him about it.

Thanks again everybody!! ^^

[Long Duck Dong]

Just wondering if any of you have been in or are in a similar situation as I.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now, and I knew from the beginning that he was bi. Well. Before we started dating, I thought he was gay because of things that my friends have told me. [Some directly said it, some said that he was feminine] Though it didn't necessarily bother me in the beginning, as I fell in love with him, I began thinking about it more and more...and it started to bother me. He has been in relationships with both girls and guys, but all of the relationships that he's been in before he and I started going out were guy-guy relationships. Furthermore, I dug through his messages for information [I know this is bad...but I just wanted to knowwww.], and apparently everyone thought that he was strictly gay before he started going out with me. I asked him about this, and he said that it's because he was accepting the 'gay' side of him, and he was dating only guys on purpose to discover more things about it.

On his computer is filled with pictures of half-naked men in seductive positions...but I saw NO pictures of girls...When I asked him about this, he just said that those were there from a long time ago, and that he just didn't delete or change anything. He said that he also had pictures of girls, and he could show me if I wanted.

I know for a fact that he is turned on by me. We have sex, and it does get pretty hot. So this isn't a problem...

He's a wonderful person..and I love him so much...but I'm just insecure...and frankly a little disturbed..
I don't have ANYTHING against people of any sexual orientation. I have many gay friends, and two of my best friends are gay...But I think the thing is...I wouldn't mind the fact that he was bi if he wasn't my BOYFRIEND. The idea that he did anything with any other man is slightly disturbing...and makes me want to cry...
Any of you have advice on how I can get over this feeling?? Because I really do love him with everything that I am...but this is stressing me out a whole lot...I'm not worried that he'll cheat...and I trust him completely...it's just the idea that he's also attracted to men that bothers me.. How do I get over this??

compare him to yourself..... you are attracted to guys too......
the only difference between you and him, is the gender..... he shares the same aspects of attraction as you do.....

I do not see you as homophobic, but a person that is trying to reconcile their feelings about another person, with feelings you yourself, have.....

sit down and think about that it is that really gets at you...... is it the idea if two males making love.... the image of it..... how they can make love..... etc

they really are no different to me and you, again its only the gender that is the difference....

the trouble with gossip and loose tongues, is that yes, it can create a issue in a person that results in them seeking answers and some semblance of truth and pretty much you have done that.... but at least your partner never spat the dummy... it sounds like he sat down and talked with you

now its your term, talk with him about your feelings and how you are trying to deal with the idea of him with other males..... you may find a answer there that can help

[ErosUrge]

ahh the eternal conflicts....

Well, I so much understand your insecurity. Though for me, it was with a bi woman that I was involved with many years ago. I knew she was bi from the very beginning as she made it clear. The first months, I didn't mind because I saw no threat in it until she met a certain woman and became attracted to the point of going out with her. Then, I felt terrible insecurity. But again, she had made it clear that this kind of thing would happen sooner or later. My issue was the fact that she developed friendships and emotional ties with her attractions. Whereas I (also being bi) did not and do not...So, I felt that she needed to be like me in that sense. And that was not to be. And not to make you feel more insecure, but the reality in many cases and certainly with me is that some men are unable or do not stop their activities with the same sex no matter how much they are in love with someone. Is that cheating? Yes, if one does not inform their partner that it's happening. I have had 2 previous women in my life, (one ex-wife, one ex-girlfriend) who accepted this and this was not the issue when we decided to separate. But I was also deceptive in past relations where I knew if I revealed I was still interested and hungry for male sex that it would mean the end....After years of dealing with this nonsense, I made it a priority to communicate my being bi and that I would continue my male to male encounters.
I don't know where things stand with you both on this. And like you, I can understand your feelings and insecurities; it is difficult. Yet on the other hand, I also can relate to his situation too. And at this point, I don't see that you're dealing with someone who is out having relations with men outside your relationship....This is something you should consider. Because at this point, it seems that he is committed to being with you. But I would warn that if it becomes a constant insecurity and suspicion, it will destroy or has the potential of destroying this relationship. I wish you the best....it isn't easy but it is certainly possible to find a solution.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

talk, communicate, are honest. Do this With Him and quit listening to your friends. The relationship is between You two, and up to you to solve.
Good luck.
Cat

[judayxlo]

Just one more question...

For guys that are bi, would you say that you're more inclined to find female sex organs disgusting?

Well I know that genitals of any sex aren't very attractive in the first place, but I'm just saying like...Would it make you not want to perform oral or something?

[just4mefc]

Just one more question...

For guys that are bi, would you say that you're more inclined to find female sex organs disgusting?

Well I know that genitals of any sex aren't very attractive in the first place, but I'm just saying like...Would it make you not want to perform oral or something?


Not attractive? Now you must be crazy. :bigrin: LOL well speaking for myself I love all sex organs they are extremely attractive. True some look better then others but in general I find both female and male sex organs to be attractive and a turn on. The beauty of genitalia has can be seen throughout human and natural universe. Orchids resemble anything too you? Are they not beautiful? Love everything about the vagina. Love the shape, the folds, the way the lips and clit swell when excited and unlike some males (str8, bi or gay) I love the aroma and especially the taste. We are BI males not gay males. I doubt you will find many males here who don't find vagina attractive. But I will let others speak for themselves.

Not to go to far into pop psych here but based on your questions so far would it be a stretch to say you grew up in rather prudish household? Catholic maybe?

[darkeyes]

Not attractive? Now you must be crazy. :bigrin: LOL well speaking for myself I love all sex organs they are extremely attractive. True some look better then others but in general I find both female and male sex organs to be attractive and a turn on. The beauty of genitalia has can be seen throughout human and natural universe. Orchids resemble anything too you? Are they not beautiful? Love everything about the vagina. Love the shape, the folds, the way the lips and clit swell when excited and unlike some males (str8, bi or gay) I love the aroma and especially the taste. We are BI males not gay males. I doubt you will find many males here who don't find vagina attractive. But I will let others speak for themselves.

Not to go to far into pop psych here but based on your questions so far would it be a stretch to say you grew up in rather prudish household? Catholic maybe?

Haff crazy..knobs r 'orrible an the last thing they r is a thing (tee hee) of beauty...:tong: Pussy on otha hand..;)

[DuckiesDarling]

Haff crazy..knobs r 'orrible an the last thing they r is a thing (tee hee) of beauty...:tong: Pussy on otha hand..;)

Speak for yourself there, Fran, I personally find the genitalia of "lesser mortals" to be absolutely wonderful :)

[darkeyes]

Speak for yourself there, Fran, I personally find the genitalia of "lesser mortals" to be absolutely wonderful :)

Knobs 2 u an all luffly 1.... tee hee:tong:

*shivers at very thot*:eek:

[void()]

Just one more question...

For guys that are bi, would you say that you're more inclined to find female sex organs disgusting?

Well I know that genitals of any sex aren't very attractive in the first place, but I'm just saying like...Would it make you not want to perform oral or something?

Female sex organs disgusting? To be blunt, pussy looks real good to me, but so does cock. I decided young, I wouldn't decide which was better. So, neither are for me. Love both equally. Sometimes I want a guy, sometimes a gal. I'm sure there are times you'd rather have say butterscotch ice cream over vanilla ice cream. It's like that, just ice cream, eh but today I want a little stronger ice cream, give me butterscotch. Tomorrow I'll probably have vanilla.



Would it not want to make you preform oral or something? No. I just don't give my wife oral, too often, because she doesn't return the favor. Be nice if she did, but she doesn't. It's a feminist attitude and thought for her, "it degrades a woman". I can respect that, but it'd still be nice to have a favor returned. But I still give her oral sometimes, just because I feel like munching carpet.


In short you're possibly speaking to the wrong one in me. I'm a natural switch. And I have no real preferences, got a few big No Nos but nothing not really considered standard common decency.

1. No Necrophilia.

2. No Pedophilia.

3. No Bestiality.

4. No Poop Play.

5. No Leaving My Wife. (Doesn't matter how cute, or hot you are in bed. Sorry, love my wife.)

6. No Cheating. I don't and will not knowingly help someone else. Big Period, Full Stop.

[citystyleguy]

Just one more question...

For guys that are bi, would you say that you're more inclined to find female sex organs disgusting?

Well I know that genitals of any sex aren't very attractive in the first place, but I'm just saying like...Would it make you not want to perform oral or something?

oh, hell no! sex organs on either are fine with me!:tongue:

[Biffy]

Sounds like you are pushing this relationship too much and when people push the relationship too much ie: stress out about every aspect of the relationship, you end up breaking up.

You know that he's bi-sexual and he's been with men and it disturbs you. If it bothers you too much do yourself and him a favor and end it and move on.

Snooping and ultimatums are not a good thing in a relationship.

Best of luck to you.

[niftyshellshock]

Just one more question...

For guys that are bi, would you say that you're more inclined to find female sex organs disgusting?

Well I know that genitals of any sex aren't very attractive in the first place, but I'm just saying like...Would it make you not want to perform oral or something?

I love pussy, love cock.

Simple man, simple tastes.

[Long Duck Dong]

Just one more question...

For guys that are bi, would you say that you're more inclined to find female sex organs disgusting?

Well I know that genitals of any sex aren't very attractive in the first place, but I'm just saying like...Would it make you not want to perform oral or something?

personally myself, I do not find the female or male body overly attractive.... I am more the type of person that would be more attracted to and by a semi dressed female in a loose over sized night shirt.... or a male that is in jeans, a shirt and boots.....

a nude male or female laying down with their legs spread, does nothing for me and actually turns me off.....

I perfer non visible stimulation.... ( not looking at a persons sex organs ) while I am sharing time with them....as there is more to making love and sharing pleasure than staring between their legs

[Alloiledup]

Ultimately, is it better with him? Or better without him? Is it better to move on and find someone else whom you would feel you're the one and only? Or is it so nice to be with him that as long as you have opportunities to be together, you are happy. Ultimately, forget everything else, what makes you happy? :bigrin: