talking to my wife

[bikiniman]

I am 44 and have been married for 16 years and have never had sex with someone of the same sex. I have three kids aged from 3-13.

13 years ago my wife discovered some naked photographs I had taken of myself before we were married which were very homo-erotic (very anal). Her response was one of horror and she asked me if I was homo-sexual. She queried whether or not we should keep trying to have children together. I said no I wasn't homo-sexual but also confessed that I regularly inserted objects up my ass for sexual pleasure and that I once tried on my sisters bathers. We agreed that I should go to counselling to find out what was wrong with me.

Of course the counselling process didn't find anything wrong with me and my homo-sexual desires temporarily abated. We never really discussed it again. I think my wife's strong negative reaction to the photos thrust me in to a state of denial.

About a one year ago I discovered the concept of bi-sexuality and realized that sexuality is it not black and white, that it is possible to want to have sex with men and not be homo-sexual. I came out to my wife and I told her that I am in fact "a little bit homosexual". She asked what that meant, and I explained that I am predominantly Hetro-sexual but that I have sexual fantasies about men and get turned on watching gay porn. I reassured her that I found her sexually attractive, which i do. Her response was a bit like she didn't really believe me and she questioned me as to whether or not this was that unusual.

One year on and we haven't talked about it again, however she now regularly slips her finger into my bottom when we are having sex, which I love. Our sex life is however very sporadic.

Since realising my bi-sexuality my homo sexual desires have grown to the point where I feel at the moment more than a "a little bit homo-sexual". I regularly watch gay porn, cross-dress and insert dildos up my ass on my own.

I am still sexually attracted to my wife and enjoy having sex with her but find myself lying next to her in bed at night regularly fantasizing about having sex with men.

I am worried that I might in fact be pre-dominantly homo-sexual. Should I talk to my wife given her initial reaction? How do I talk to her about it? How do I tell her that it is more than a fantasy that I would actually like to have sex with another man.

[gooniegoogoo]

I am 44 and have been married for 16 years and have never had sex with someone of the same sex. I have three kids aged from 3-13.

13 years ago my wife discovered some naked photographs I had taken of myself before we were married which were very homo-erotic (very anal). Her response was one of horror and she asked me if I was homo-sexual. She queried whether or not we should keep trying to have children together. I said no I wasn't homo-sexual but also confessed that I regularly inserted objects up my ass for sexual pleasure and that I once tried on my sisters bathers. We agreed that I should go to counselling to find out what was wrong with me.

Of course the counselling process didn't find anything wrong with me and my homo-sexual desires temporarily abated. We never really discussed it again. I think my wife's strong negative reaction to the photos thrust me in to a state of denial.

About a one year ago I discovered the concept of bi-sexuality and realized that sexuality is it not black and white, that it is possible to want to have sex with men and not be homo-sexual. I came out to my wife and I told her that I am in fact "a little bit homosexual". She asked what that meant, and I explained that I am predominantly Hetro-sexual but that I have sexual fantasies about men and get turned on watching gay porn. I reassured her that I found her sexually attractive, which i do. Her response was a bit like she didn't really believe me and she questioned me as to whether or not this was that unusual.

One year on and we haven't talked about it again, however she now regularly slips her finger into my bottom when we are having sex, which I love. Our sex life is however very sporadic.

Since realising my bi-sexuality my homo sexual desires have grown to the point where I feel at the moment more than a "a little bit homo-sexual". I regularly watch gay porn, cross-dress and insert dildos up my ass on my own.

I am still sexually attracted to my wife and enjoy having sex with her but find myself lying next to her in bed at night regularly fantasizing about having sex with men.

I am worried that I might in fact be pre-dominantly homo-sexual. Should I talk to my wife given her initial reaction? How do I talk to her about it? How do I tell her that it is more than a fantasy that I would actually like to have sex with another man.

I don't think you are pre-dominantly homosexual at all. It's just the way your mind works because you are not getting what you want. I think you should talk to your wife that you want more than that. Have you ever considered a strap-on? Discuss that with your wife. If she sticks a finger up your ass every now and then, she shouldn't have a problem with that either.

[Long Duck Dong]

I am curious about your mindset actually..... it feels like you are using the term homosexual cos of you seeing two males = homosexual

can you share a lil more about your crossdressing.... how you feel when you are cross dressing..... and what you think about

the reason why I am asking.... is its possible that you have a pseudo feminine side that is more *visible* when you are crossdressing....and instead of wanting the male on male sex, you are desiring male on * feminine side * sex.....

I am not seeing it from the view point of seeing you as a cross dresser, TV / TG but something else that I have seen over the years...... and if you wanna share a lil more about how you feel while crossdressing, I will post more answers from my point of view, that may help with your own soul searching and desires

[bikiniman]

In answer to your questions Long Duck Long

When cross dressing I feel feminine and sexy, there is a feminine side there. I enjoy doing stereotypical feminine roles like cleaning, cooking and ironing while cross dressed. I find it relaxing.

There is also en element of sexual arousal when cross dressing and I enjoy using Dildos when cross dressed. I can recall from my younger years sexual fantasies about being a women and what it would be like to have sex with a man (male on "feminine side sex").

The strong desire for male on male sex is something that has evolved in more recent years and probably as a result of discovering and watching gay porn.

Your observations would be greatly be appreciated.

[Rose2Me]

Many of the feelings and desires you speak of I am sure sound very familar to many of us here. I too feel the need to crossdress, and do so quite often. While dressed I feel the same way as you- comfortable with doing housework, etc. I also fantasize about being with a man while dressed, fulfilling the female role (in my mind) in bed with him. As a man, I love being with my wife (in bed and without); as Rose, my wife fills in as best as she can that need for a man Rose feels.

It can't be denied- many "normal" men feel the desire for another man; how it manifests itself differs depending on the individual, his circumstances, etc. Ours manifests itself by living dual lives- to the outside world a man; in the privacy of the bedroom- a woman. If you get pleasure out of this dual life (as I do- best of both worlds and all that), then don't fight it, explore it. Life's too short.

[welickit]

Our question would be, how badly do you want to remain happily married? Some things in this world are better left a fantasy as opposed to being a goal. If you pursue this and then find out it isn't right for you, will you have lost everything by then? Are you giving any honest thought to what the impact will be on a wife and three children? We aren't putting you down, hell we are both bisexual. These are just questions that would pop into our minds if we were in your situation. Regardless, we both wish you the best and hope you will find a middle ground.:bipride:

[Jessicaknight]

You hit it right in the nose

I love being Jessica around the house. That's my turn to be Fem.
When Jessica's home, she cleans and takes care of the house.
She cooks very nice Dinners And still has time to chat on line.

[PutnamCoCpl]

I am 44 and have been married for 16 years and have never had sex with someone of the same sex. I have three kids aged from 3-13.

13 years ago my wife discovered some naked photographs I had taken of myself before we were married which were very homo-erotic (very anal). Her response was one of horror and she asked me if I was homo-sexual. She queried whether or not we should keep trying to have children together. I said no I wasn't homo-sexual <SNIP>


About a one year ago I discovered the concept of bi-sexuality and realized that sexuality is it not black and white, that it is possible to want to have sex with men and not be homo-sexual. I came out to my wife and I told her that I am in fact "a little bit homosexual". She asked what that meant, and I explained that I am predominantly Hetro-sexual but that I have sexual fantasies about men and get turned on watching gay porn. I reassured her that I found her sexually attractive, which i do. Her response was a bit like she didn't really believe me and she questioned me as to whether or not this was that unusual.

One year on and we haven't talked about it again, however she now regularly slips her finger into my bottom when we are having sex, which I love. Our sex life is however very sporadic.

<SNIP>

I am still sexually attracted to my wife and enjoy having sex with her but find myself lying next to her in bed at night regularly fantasizing about having sex with men.

I am worried that I might in fact be pre-dominantly homo-sexual. Should I talk to my wife given her initial reaction? How do I talk to her about it? How do I tell her that it is more than a fantasy that I would actually like to have sex with another man.


Ok, I chopped your original post to remove the while relivant info, it doesnt help answer you.

There are key questions that only you can answer

Was your wife raised in a strict religous upbringing?

In your relationship with your wife, How would you guage your wife's approach to sexual subjects, Is she open to new things? Does she discuss with you the her desires? Her fantasies?

When it comes to you discussing your sexuality with her, judging from what you wrote, her horror, does this carry thru to every aspect, not just your bi desires?

If the communication is there, and her attitude towards sex is open minded, rather than put things in a Homo / Straight light, SHOW her there are grey areas..

The other thing that strikes me is, given your age, and the fact that the computer age has been in full effect for well over 15 years.. you just learned there is a "middle ground" or as is often said, the best of both worlds.

Its common as we get older, and our relationships not so much cool as become familar, that the sex life slowly becomes less frequent, and, lets face it mundane.. postions become one or two standard, oral may become less frequent, and what once we spent hours doing, enjoying becomes a nearly robotic program, with the end marked by a single orgasm/ejaculation.

Often in a quest to restore some of the heat, we look for other stimuli, and as such, new things become appealing. Your quiet desires of the past, and your private experimentation, have re surfaced. The problem being, because you either were fearful of your wifes reaction, or unsure of it, you kept it to yourself.

Never a good idea, regardless of her reaction good or bad, you should have a long time ago, explained yourself to her. And in considering discussing it way back then, you would and she would have a better handle on where you are now.

Now for the best suggestions

if she is repressed, open her mind, slowly. Get her to open up about what thrills her.. but do so in the same non judgemental way, you would hope to get from her.

If she is open minded already, just unsure/scared if this means you are going to leave her for another man, again, explain it to her, Tell her your feeling for havent changed and re assure her that they havent.

But before either senerio you need to come to an understanding with yourself about where your desires are headed, where you want them to take you.

Hope this helps

[just4mefc]

Well first did your read this recent thread?

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9667

Many of the answers to her dilemma might apply to you.

Now then, I contend it is possible that what you describe is not about orientation at all, but potentially sexual fetish. Some people are into dressing as babies and being in a subordinate diaper wearing sexual fetish. This does not make them children. The spouse's are not pedophiles. It is fantasy and fetish and for them pleasure. Anal play and cross dressing can be the same thing.

As pointed out by goonie, here and others in the other post, desire and fantasy can drive the flames of reality into distortion. Not the time to put your family at risk. I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with you but perhaps a psychologist would be helpful. First go by yourself and then go to couples to help integrate what you discover about yourself into your couples relationship.

Don't be too quick to sign-on to labels at this point in time. Be "you" and discover who you are. You have denied a part of yourself for a long time. Is the denied self, Bi, Gay, str8 with fetish, simply bored to all hell from long marriage and needing some spice, etc...? What exactly that part is remains to be discovered. But whatever it might be, it has grown in momentum while being denied. These things can grow so strong as to spin the person out of whack. Once fully out, they might be a bit wild at first but then can settle down to be part of an integrated self concept.

[MrBisex]

I think you should talk to your wife about it. But if you do have sex with another man, my opinion is that she have the right to do it as well. And are you ready for that?

Maybe she has been doing a little investigating on her own since she seems more tolerant for the idea of putting a finger up in your ass and maybe she even like doing it on you.

If you bring it out you could also ask her if she ever had any fantasies about being with another woman? just to loosen up the conversation.

You are a couple I think the best solution for you would be if you could both share another man. Instead going out on your own.

[citystyleguy]

...it's odd, but i often find that thread titles that have '...talking to ____...' are about people doing everything but actually talking to that _____! So, first off, as i said to another member, here, stop talking about talking to your wife, and talk to her!

also, invite her to explore this site, ask the other members questions that she wants answered, but always remain engaged with each other regarding this subject, and other related topics. set yourselves goals to reach so that the conversations reach solutions, and partial/full conculsions, in order to avoid dangling conversations! those types of discussions can be draining!

since you appear to need descriptive titles for what you are, go with '..sexually curious...' thus avoiding attaching to much to yourself, that the more standard titles generally do. in reading your topic, you do a whole lot of things that are not descriptive of any particualr sexuality. cross-dressing, sticking things up various orifaces, etc. are praticed by people of all types of sexual identity, and are not practiced by people of all types of sexual identity.

in would be better to thin out the questions, focus on a few key factors for consideration, and improving and/or answering, then bring in the other inquiries as necessary.

by the way, if you wife is willingly inserting a finger up your backside, she is lot more along on this journey than is being expressed!

..let us know what happens!

[bi-vasco]

It seems that I am reading something I myself wrote.

I am currently 59 and married with 2 sons.

I have had the fantasy of being used by a man in any sexual way he desires.

I have had this fantasy since I was 6 or 7.

I like what you have written and I would like to share with you some of my problems with my fantasy. I once persuaded my wife to strap a dildo and fuck me in the ass. She did it only once.

I like crossdressing but my wife would not agree to that.

Let's share more of this and you might be able to make a better decision.

I love my wife, but I cannot live without the bi desires. I feel my life would be completely happy if my wife would allow that sexual part of me.

I she had my problem, I would support her and try to enjoy her fantasies.

But it looks this is a moral issue to her. But I have caught her in many instances that she has been acting hypocritically.

If you want more friendly and honest instances of my bi desires, send me an email to vasc48@yahoo.com

[bikiniman]

Thanks for all your advice. It has helped me get a better perspective.

I admit it is possible that my desire to have sex with a man is more of a sexual fetish (I have a few of these )and that a combination of frequent fantasy and watching gay porn has "driven the flames of reality into distortion". I like doing things that are taboo. Having sex with another man, cross dressing etc all fit the taboo theme perfectly.

I want to remain happily married and I do not want to risk everything and hurt the people that I love in pursuit of what might turn out to be nothing more than a sexual fantasy/fetish.

I think my wife is far more opened minded than she was 13 years ago and I just to have to bite the bullet and talk to her about how I feel. At the moment I am doing everything but talk to her. Even this post is a form of procrastination. I am not sure what i am so scared of. Its just such a hard topic to broach.

[mollysaw]

I don't think you are pre-dominantly homosexual at all. It's just the way your mind works because you are not getting what you want. I think you should talk to your wife that you want more than that. Have you ever considered a strap-on? Discuss that with your wife. If she sticks a finger up your ass every now and then, she shouldn't have a problem with that either.

I was very lucky because when I told my wife she got so fucking horny we had to have a piece on ass on the spot. After we fucked and both cum we layed there and she would ask me to tell her more about what it was like to have sex with a guy.She wanted all the details about what it was like to suck a guys cock and let him cum in my mouth. After I told her in greate detail how it felt like and how it tasted when I swallowed it. She got horny again and wanted me to lick my cum out of her cunt and make her cum again.I did and we both loved it. Then she wanted to see me suck a cock so I had my blow buddy come over and this started a three some that lasted for a couple of years until she decided she wanted to be with him and that is how it is now. We are divorced

[kinsey4]

Hi there,

I don't know you, obviously, and I'm new here myself, so forgive me if I'm completely wrong, but it doesn't sound to me like you are completely or mostly homosexual. I think that when we repress or deny an aspect of our sexual selves, that part tends to get stronger and become something of a preoccupation - that's been my experience, anyway. I come from a very religious background, and my own homosexual urges really alarmed me when I first became aware of them as a teen, and so I tried to pray them away and have my 'demons' exorcised... I was so terrified of going to hell for them that they consumed my mind, and as a result (I believe) my opposite-sex attractions actually subsided or faded away, and I eventually came out 'gay.' But a few years down the track, having (largely) come to terms with my gay side, my romantic and sexual feelings for women started to come back, while I was in a relationship with a guy. I started trying to squash THOSE feelings, having committed myself to a particular path, and my hetero-feelings seemed to get stronger, just the same as my earlier experience but directed the other way. I don't really have any kink or fetish, but I imagine it's similar maybe... what we try to resist comes to define us.

That's my 2 cents, anyway. Hope things work out for you :)

Also, CityStyleGuy: you are officially my hero, I hadn't heard of labelling yourself "sexually curious" instead of committing to a label - that's great advice and I think I'll put it in my student newspaper LGBT column next time the topic comes up!

D

[bikiniman]

I think that when we repress or deny an aspect of our sexual selves, that part tends to get stronger and become something of a preoccupation - that's been my experience, anyway.
D

Thanks for your two cents worth, its worth more than that.

Yes having denied it for so many years is has become a pre-occupation. I am waiting and expecting to some extent for a swing back to towards my hetro-side.

[julbug]

My husband came out to me after 10 yrs of marriage and its been the best thing for our sex life. If you talk to her, you have to be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster, even if she is accepting. There are still days were I wonder if he will cheat, and I am willing to have a threesome :tong:!
You should be willing to answer any questions she has and be completely honest about what you want your relationship to develop into. Of course you need to decide what you want and how you will react if she is unwilling to satisfy those desires. It sounds like she may have some slight idea already.
Hopefully you can talk to her sooner rather than later, the anxiety and fear will eat at you. Good luck, and I hope it works out well. Hopefully it will bring the two of you closer together, like it did for my husband and me.

[wrzwldo69]

The replies to this post show why this is a good place for bisexuals to hang out.
Especially when you get referred to a previous post that caught a similar issue
That's why we are all here

I would first vote that if your wife understands anal stimulation --- there is alot more to explore there... Sex is about comfort and best sex is with people we are most comfortable with.

As a male switch bi-sexual, I understand the urge to yield and be the center of desire of an active assertive male who wants to satisfy themselves with my body. As a male switch bi-sexual, I have also found that there are a lot of men who feel that way and providing which they seek also satisfies what I want.

You are fortunate to have a mate willing to start to explore... there is a lot of downside to disrupting a family not ready to accept ... lets face it, it is very much to ask of those we are intimate with

[Backdoorman]

I think you have to come to a understanding with your wife of what is OK. You need to support each other in this issue. Myabe this could be an outline of disscusion.

http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html (http://www.tri-ess.org/Wives_CDs_BofR.html)