The Pendulum Swings

[Herbwoman39]

Hey Family :)

Happy 4th to those in the States.

I'm experiencing the kind of thing that I've read many of you having dealt with. Preference. One day/week/month you're attracted to one gender, then the next thing you know it's more the other.

This is starting to wear on me some. My pendulum, as it were, has been stuck on the female-attraction side MUCH more since I made out with a woman at a convention over Memorial Day Weekend. My sex drive with my hubby is down because, well, he's a guy.

I know I should probably talk to him about this. I just don't want him to be fearful that I'm not attracted to him anymore. i AM. It's just...women are SOOO much more appealing now. And (PLEASE, men, don't be offended), the penis (ANY penis) just looks ridiculous to me right now. And the hair around his nipples isn't helping matters.

I'm actually a little bit concerned. I love my hubby and don't want to leave him. But ever since I made out with the woman at the convention, men just haven't done it for me.

Yes, he knew. We were at the same room party and he actually found her for me. So infidelity or cheating isn't the issue.

Any suggestions on how to talk to him about this would be very helpful.

Thanks, as always.

[Long Duck Dong]

the same way you talk to him any other time.... he is your husband and he knows about your bisexuality

tell him that you are starting to understand the ebb and flow of bisexuality.... how the sexual attraction shifts... yet the love and your loyalty to your husband and the marriage.... doesn't change

instead of shutting him out, look at a 3some together and involve him.....

what you are facing is the issue that many people refer to... the * what if you leave me for a person of the same sex, are not longer attracted to me * issue..... and this is when you need to be crystal clear about your decisions and what you say to your husband......

also, it rises the thing that I have often talked about..... sex verses love....and what really guides our heart and emotions.....
something that many people will jump to answer.... but the answers are always easier to post, when you are not having to decide the answers for yourself, your husband and your marriage

[DuckiesDarling]

I have to agree with LDD, hon. He's still your husband, he's still the same man he was before you told him you were bi, he's still the same man he was before you had an encounter with a woman. He's still your mate. You have to talk to him and you have to be prepared if he decides that he can't accept not having sexual relations with his wife and seek permission from you to go find someone to satisfy his desires while you satisfy yours. One thing I do not recommend is just closing your eyes and thinking of England and sleep with him anyway. He will know that you don't want to and it will be worse than not doing it at all. Good luck.

[citystyleguy]

Hey Family :)

Happy 4th to those in the States.

I'm experiencing the kind of thing that I've read many of you having dealt with. Preference. One day/week/month you're attracted to one gender, then the next thing you know it's more the other.

This is starting to wear on me some. My pendulum, as it were, has been stuck on the female-attraction side MUCH more since I made out with a woman at a convention over Memorial Day Weekend. My sex drive with my hubby is down because, well, he's a guy.

I know I should probably talk to him about this. I just don't want him to be fearful that I'm not attracted to him anymore. i AM. It's just...women are SOOO much more appealing now. And (PLEASE, men, don't be offended), the penis (ANY penis) just looks ridiculous to me right now. And the hair around his nipples isn't helping matters.

I'm actually a little bit concerned. I love my hubby and don't want to leave him. But ever since I made out with the woman at the convention, men just haven't done it for me.

Yes, he knew. We were at the same room party and he actually found her for me. So infidelity or cheating isn't the issue.

Any suggestions on how to talk to him about this would be very helpful.

Thanks, as always.


pretty simple from my viewpoint, stop talking about talking with him, and talk with him!

[NotLostJustWandering]

I also experience my sexuality as a pendulum, and am familiar with the experience of suddenly getting yanked towards the side you'd been staying away from. At the risk of being presumptuous, I think I see your situation exactly. Had a look at your personal ad to confirm my hunch: thought it had been a real long time since you'd been with a woman, turns out you're a "bi-virgin." Sister, you just need a woman really bad now, and that's all that's going wrong. Of course you're not feeling attracted to your husband. When you're really craving a soda, water seems disgusting. Get a girl, have lots of sex, and soon you'll find hubby's looking cute again.

I second the idea of a 3-way as a means to smooth things out, but you might need to explore this on your own, too. Sounds like you have a very understanding husband. Things don't sound so bad.

[Realist]

Herbie, I can relate to the pendulum, too. It really has swung both ways with me, as well. The only problem has been, until recently, I didn't have a loving, understand, partner.

You're lucky to have a loving, tolerant, husband and, as long as you don't forsake him, you should weather this situation. I wouldn't leave him out of your thoughts, desires, and needs; keep on letting him know that you love him and are there for him.

My 1st wife was bi and even though she had a female lover, I never felt abandoned, or unloved. If anything, our relationship improved after she realized that I'd let her be herself and explore with discretion.

Good luck.

[tenni]

I wondered about your post. I agree completely with NotLostJustWandering.

I read your profile and some of your former posts. It has been quite some time for you to reach the point that you did experience same sex play. It seems that you really enjoyed yourself. Good. Perhaps, your pendulum has swung very far to same sex. It may be the strongest that you have ever experienced because you want more of something that you have yearned for for so long.

I also find it interesting how some posters focus on the couple concept while others of us focus on the individual bisexual in contextualizing what is going on here.

If I were you, I would first accept the strength of your same sex attraction and realize that at this point in time that it is overwhelming your sexual attraction for men. You seem to have been yearning for this play for quite sometime. It may be like a damn bursting and all of your same sex attraction feelings are overwhelming you.

Once, you separate this feeling from any love concept for your husband, try to relax about it a bit before chatting with him. You know your husband better than us. I would certainly introduce the pendulum swing for many bisexuals if he is unware of that possibillity. You figure out how to explain to him that you really enjoyed being with the other woman and your pendulum is presently making you want to be with a woman again...REAL SOON. If he needs re assurance that you do love him ...maybe even more than when you first married because of how he has accepted your bisexuality. etc. I'm not sure that I would comment on hair around men's nipples or your present thoughts on his manhood. That may be going too far. I doubt that he will develop an inferiority complex over it but you may make him unnecessarily concerned about rejection.

If in time, your same sex attraction remains as strong as it is now and your attitude about the male anatomy remains as it seems now, you may have another issue to deal with....not now though. The pendulum may come back to centre or go all the way over to no interest in same sex play. You may even swing as far as feeling emotions of repulsion towards same sex play. Eventually, the pendulum may not swing as far one way or the other. Give it time.

Good luck to you.

[NotLostJustWandering]

If in time, your same sex attraction remains as strong as it is now and your attitude about the male anatomy remains as it seems now, you may have another issue to deal with....not now though.

I wouldn't even worry that that might be a possibility. I remember the one time in my life that I experienced zero attraction to women. I was in my early 20s, I'd just broken up with my girlfriend and decided to give men a second try (I'd only had sex with a guy once before). I was living in NYC, there were plenty of gay men around and I went berserk.

Didn't take long before I got reminded that I was in fact bi, not gay, and not much longer before I started getting the hints that I didn't belong in the gay world. But for a few months, beautiful women didn't register on my sexual scale at all. I was just too ga-ga over the guys. I had been holding back part of me and once I let go, it was as Tenni describes, like a dam breaking. And I was about 24. You've been holding back much longer.

So that you find yourself unattracted to your husband doesn't worry me at all. Don't let it worry you, just take care of what you've got to do! I'd say odds are very high the pendulum will swing back. You couldn't have lived straight this long if you have the potential to lose interest in men forever.

[just4mefc]

I agree with Notlost and Tenni,

Let me add, that desire is so powerful it can taint reality. Not sure what you mean exactly by "made out with a woman"? You appear to have not brought your desire to full fruition?? If you only went so far it would be like having a small "appeteaser" that is amazing but leaving the restaurant before the main course. This could drive the flames of passion to complete obsession and easily to the point of your other favorite restaurant being of no interest. Have a few great meals at the exotic Indian restaurant though and the edge comes off and is no longer exotic just part of your normal diet, now some nights you want the Indian food and others you want your Italian food. Some nights you might want to have a bit of each ;)

Right now you appear to be in fear that you will not swing back. You appear to be the one afraid of where this might go? Perhaps if you accept "I am where I am... right now" and scratch the itch so to speak, the passion that is driving "the penis... just looks ridiculous..." will subside. If you know that you are never leaving your husband, that your relationship is solid regardless of current desire then you will be able to communicate this to him.

When I first got together with my wife she was bi and I was str8 (well I thought I was at the time) Now she had been bi her whole sexual life so her situation is perhaps a bit different then yours? She has never described the male body as a turn off, but she clearly had times of extreme preference. To be honest this was tough for me at first. But the more experience we had with her having female partners the more confidence I developed that this had nothing to do with me as a person, it was desire and passion. At this point I saw it as analogous to having sex in general, some days she wants lots of oral and others she wants anal. Not a rejection of one forever just what she is passionate about at the moment. Now if she wants a woman then great it is part of the swing or ebb and flow of her sexuality.

In terms of body attraction, she is more attracted to the female form when naked then the male form. Always has been. She likes the shape and look of a hard penis, but for the most part, the general male form is as she would quote from Seinfeld "not good naked" This was an adjustment at first too. I have competed in bodybuilding competitions and have always enjoyed the attention of women for my naked body, but I married a woman who doesn't even notice if I gain 20 pounds. She loves the feel of my male body and describes me as being very sexy, but she is not a visual person. She is attracted to the male essence and somewhat more to the female form.

So what turns you on at a given moment is really not all that important to your attraction and commitment to your husband, but be careful how you present this, the male ego is a fragile thing. As you speak to your husband, focus more on the desire and attraction to the female form right now and less on the "hairy nipples" if he is str8 then he will certainly understand the desire female curvaceousness can create. I know for me being a part of my wife's bisexuality is very powerful. We are each a part of the others bisexuality, there is never a doubt in our unity or love for each other. Our individual desires fluctuate over time but the connection simply grows no matter what side the pendulum is currently on.

Also count my vote for the 3way issue. It helps the man feel inclusive of your pleasure.

[MrBisex]

can he participate or just watch ? Let him be a part of the game?:tong:

[innaminka]

Re the pendulum

I know exactly what you mean - my pendulum ticked and tocked for years - each tock however seemed to last longer and the ticks became shorter.

My pendulum is now firmly stuck in the "tock" position, and I honestly see no possibility of it returning.

And I feel I am now, finally being the complete "me."

Re your marital situation - time to talk. That's all I can offer.

Lots of love with it.

[Herbwoman39]

Thanks for all the loving support guys :) I talked to Hubby this afternoon and it was SUCH a relief to get this off my chest. I think those of you who talked about the dam bursting nailed it on the head. Add to that the fact that all this woman and I did was kiss and touch...and not even in the really interesting places...and I was left wanting more.

I really don't think I'm a lesbian. I was just scared, I think. Fear makes me create phantoms that probably aren't even there in the first place. No, I'm definitely Bi.

Here's the problem though: Where do i find someone?? My last foray was a dud. She only sent me emails really late at night or from her office computer. And I think she had been drinking when she wrote the really sexy emails. I refuse to be someone's affair.

I'm just so frustrated. A three way would be alright too, but the problem remains where do I find someone??

Hubby has mentioned The Bunny Ranch in Las Vegas and that may be an option.

I guess it all boils down to the fact that I need to get laid.

Any D&D free women in Florida want to talk about meeting somewhere?

Thanks again everyone :)

[NEPHX]

..... Add to that the fact that all this woman and I did was kiss and touch...and not even in the really interesting places...and I was left wanting more.....

I'd say don't underestimate the impact of someone paying you intimate attention. If you haven't been with anyone "new" lately, the newness of that attention AND that its a women(since you haven't experienced it) can completely take over!!

I was talking about that earlier today with someone because even though "sex" with someone can be very hot, the intimate connection, to me, is even hotter and without it, I lose interest pretty quickly. I seem to really enjoy someone new paying me attention and I return that energy... especially if I find him/her physically and emotionally attractive but also if he (usually) is into more than just zeroing in on cock.... (that I might just happen to be attached to which makes me feel like a human dildo - kind of repulsive at times but guys tend to do that especially if we let them).

I understand that women are generally much more in tuned to that kind of thing too - sensual touching and such.

If its a relationship kind of thing, the poly world calls it New Relationship Energy (NRE). It wanes over time often like the high sexual energy in a marriage/relationship can if we don't keep things hot and interesting. But NRE generally starts to fade when real world baggage and little annoyances replace the newness.

So, I wouldn't cash in your chips about men just yet like everyone else has said. The fluidity of sexuality is unpredictable. In some, it can swing erratically in short time spans, in others, it can swing in longer cycles.... track yours using KSOG (http://www.bisexual.org/kleingrid.html) - you might find that very helpful.. little snapshots in time. Its a very interesting method to track your variables.

There is an old cliche that says "men are generally as faithful as their options" I think that can go either gender and replace faithful with adventuresome. If you have no options for females, it could drive you crazy looking (to the point of addiction). If they are EVERYWHERE, eventually, the intensity could wane as you can "get it" whenever you want. Being out of the dating/hook-up/affair scene for awhile could do that.. once you find ways to meet other women... who knows. Try Adult Friend Finder, Bisexual Playground, personal ads on this site, local bisexual groups there is the locally www.bicafe.com - in Florida (Tampa I think),that used to and still maybe locally very active socially.)

Just a few of my thoughts.

[just4mefc]

I'd say don't underestimate the impact of someone paying you intimate attention. If you haven't been with anyone "new" lately, the newness of that attention AND that its a women(since you haven't experienced it) can completely take over!!

... New Relationship Energy (NRE). It wanes over time often like the high sexual energy in a marriage/relationship can if we don't keep things hot and interesting. But NRE generally starts to fade when real world baggage and little annoyances replace the newness.

...If you have no options for females, it could drive you crazy looking (to the point of addiction). If they are EVERYWHERE, eventually, the intensity could wane as you can "get it" whenever you want. ....

Just a few of my thoughts.


Some excellent thoughts indeed.

Borrowing from your post, "NRE" is something women in particular TEND to be more susceptible too.

Seems to play a major role in driving the phrase "what does a lesbian bring to a second date... A U-HAUL! (a u-haul is a rented moving van for those who don't know the reference) of course these too-fast-to-commit type of relationships can lead to what is known as "Lesbian Bed Death" (LBD) So it certainly does suggest that "Bisexual" women might be as likely to experience these internal emotional drives?

[NotLostJustWandering]

I'd like to congratulate everyone who's posted here and express my appreciation for this site right now. Can you imagine if Herbwoman had no bi group to post and had to take this question to a gay/lesbian group? Everyone would be welcoming her out of the closet and telling her to dump her husband and get on with her new life. To suggest or welcome the return of her pendulum to heterosexuality would be unthinkably politically incorrect; no one would dare even if it occurred to them.

We have a long way to go as a community, but I'm glad we've made it this far.

[qiangqiang]

I think you can have a good talk with your husband and talk about your feelings! If you think the penis (https://fondlove.com/collections/best-dildo) is not attractive to you, it means that you and your husband must have not experienced sex for a long time. That would be unfair to your husband.


So you should better communicate with your husband! Let your husband know that you are dating another woman! Then you need to persuade that woman so that she can accept you, your husband, and her. Sports in the triple room. This may feel sublimated for your husband and wife! Of course, you still need your husband to make a choice. But I think your husband will not give up this opportunity!