Outing

[fredtyg]

Ok. I went ahead and did it. I put my preferences on Facebook to include both men and women. Hope others will do the same, if only because it will make my personal info seem less unusual.

[bisocialnudist]

Congratulations each of these steps helps build our comfort level with who we are. I wish Facebook wasn't so ambiguous over what interested in men and women means. Some people I "know" are straight put interested in Men Women and then check looking for friendship/networking which adds even more to the confusion.

I have had interested in Men and Women on my Facebook profile for over a year without the looking for qualifier and only one friend has commented on it. Having the relationship status married only adds to the ambiguous nature of that box. Then there are those that leave interested in blank and we could write a book on all the is he or isnt she issues that causes LOL.

I had one gay friend who I didnt know was gay and he didnt know I was bi see the interested in men/women it and even with the other hints like fan of the Human Rights Campaign he still wasn't sure so he came out and asked. In the end it had the effect of helping me connect with someone who understands same sex attraction that without Facebook we would have continued as ships passing in the night. So it had the desired effect.

I understand the endless debate of out vs no ones business but for those of us in the out camp there should be an easy unobtrusive way to say "Bi?" me too come say hello". I for one find life a lot more fun now that I have a whole bunch of gay/bi friends who understand what this is all about.

[RobUK]

I don't know how old you 2 guys are, I'm 26, and though that means I'm clearly an adult, I still have family, family friends, neighbours, old school teachers, checking up on me.

That's what puts me off being 'out' on Facebook. I know it will be, sooner or later, 'reported' back to my family and I'm not out to them (if I eventually choose to - I want it to come from ME).

[fredtyg]

CI wish Facebook wasn't so ambiguous over what interested in men and women means.

I actually kind of like the ambiguous nature of it if only because it can be confusing. I can get comfortable with outing myself and gradually adapt to it.

I've been slowly but surely adding more hints to my Facebook page to let people know I'm homo. I don't have the courage yet to just put a Pride flag on the front of my page and, quite honestly, there are some people I don't really ever want to know that I'm queer. In all honesty, though, some might already know but just haven't said anything to me about it yet.

I might add that, while I made my interest known as Men and Women, I also specified interest in Friendship only, so that can seem fairly innocent. I'll add Relationship to my interests when I'm completely out.

So, I just put hints up but don't want anything glaringly evident- at least right now- about my queerness. I joined a couple of Facebook groups, for starters, a few months ago: One that has a Pride flag for its symbol but is in support of same- sex marriage, and, one to draft Laura Bush to be MC at the Dallas Pride parade. The Dallas Pride parade is probably the most queer evident because I can't imagine why a straight person would care about the Dallas Pride parade (I can easily explain it away in a straight manner, though).

Most recently, I decided I wanted to start adding openly queer folks to my Friends list. By that I mean guys that have either "gay" listed in their interests or show interest only in "men". That's a tough one as I don't know many openly gay folk on Facebook. But, I found a whole bunch of possible homo Friends on the Friends list of on prominent local queer I added to my list.

The most brazen one is a guy I don't know personally but has a Pride flag as his Facebook image. That shows up dominantly on my Friends list and, quite honestly, is a little more brazen about outing myself than I wanted to be at this point. I'm leaving him on the list, tho. There's something almost erotic to me about having a Pride flag showing on my Friends list.

I actually found a guy that seems to be in a similar situation to me while scanning the homo folks' Friends lists yesterday. He also has a Pride flag for his personal image but doesn't seem to be using his real name. I'd really like to add him as he says on his info page he's slowly trying to out himself, too. I don't know that I want 2 Pride flags on my Friends list at this point. That might be pushing it. I just sent the guy a personal message asking him if he wanted to chat. No response yet.

I'm almost regretting something I did last night. The one guy I have on my list with the Pride flag made the comment; "Let me get this straight...I'm not". I responded, "I love it". I kind of like that but my comment shows up on my Wall for everyone to see and might focus more attention than I want on my homo Friends at this point. Oh well. Nobody's commented on my comment to him, so far.

I'll probably keep my Facebook page as it is, for a week or two or three, to let me acclimate to this current level of outness and out myself even more when I'm totally comfortable with where I am now.

[tenni]

This seems to be a process mainly for yourself. If that is important to you, then continue your journey. You may find that others that you know "thought so" or don't really care one way or other.

I'm an artist and several on my Facebook page are gay. I know some are because in one case, the guy is living with a man in a relationship as well as having created art about AIDS. It is to be expected that as an artist that I would know some gay people and it doesn't matter at all. My family members who are on Facebook may or may not even notice that someone I know posts that they are going to a PRIDE parade. They may wonder about me but don't ask. I don't tell them and do not feel the need to go through the process that you want to do. In fact, I do not have anything down in those categories. I'm primarily using Facebook for business (art) contacts. It is interesting to read what people post about what they are doing...un including an old girlfriend who is a Jazz singer now. She mostly uses it to promote where/when she is performing. She contacted me and made me all aflutter...lol until I realized that it was all about numbers...for her. I did go to see her perform and we had a brief chat. She had nothing down for relationship. I knew that she was living with a guy and she mentioned it briefly in terms of "we" live...etc. That was nice and in part what Facebook is about...connecting with old and new friends or art contacts for me. Of course, I get into the odd "discussions" about art politics. (I know that may shock some who read my posts here...lol)

Enjoy your process and I hope that you benefit from it.

[Lenore]

I don't know how old you 2 guys are, I'm 26, and though that means I'm clearly an adult, I still have family, family friends, neighbours, old school teachers, checking up on me.

That's what puts me off being 'out' on Facebook. I know it will be, sooner or later, 'reported' back to my family and I'm not out to them (if I eventually choose to - I want it to come from ME).

I agree. While I am a Facebook Junkie, I do have parents, my son's sibling's parents (he is adopted to avoid the confusion you must be having), as well as selected co-workers that are my Facebook friends. I'm not quite ready to announce my sexuality to everyone in my life, not to mention anyone who might find me through the grapevine there.

[fredtyg]

I agree. While I am a Facebook Junkie, I do have parents, my son's sibling's parents (he is adopted to avoid the confusion you must be having), as well as selected co-workers that are my Facebook friends.

Understood and, actually, I'm pretty much in the same position. Some of the wife's family are on my Friends list and I'd rather not have any of them know, although two definitely do. I'm not sure about some of the others but her family is very religious and anti- homo (despite one of the wife's sisters being an out lesbian) so it's not something I'd like to make known to them.

I also have some old military buddies on my Friends list I'd really rather not let know. But, if they find out somehow, oh well.

I think my desire for being out has something to do with a form of exhibitionism. It's almost a sexual turn on for me, I guess, kind of like exposing ones genitals to people (no, I don't do that).

I don't know that I'll ever go so far as to add the Pride flag to my Facebook Wall, but the thought of doing so really turns me on.

As I mentioned earlier, I think the way I have Facebook set up now makes it fairly obvious- if someone really looked at what I have on my FB page- that I'm at the very least queer friendly or sympathetic, if not totally queer. Yet, if someone questioned me in a hostile manner about my sexuality, I could explain away all the homo references on my page to my libertarian philosophy.

The thought of that makes me very nervous, though, because I'm just not the kind of person that would lie to someone about it if asked directly. I could still be honest, though, but downplay it by saying something like, "Actually, I don't know that I'm so much homosexual as bisexual. I'm sexually interested in both sexes. But asexual might be more accurate since I'm not really sexually active anymore and haven't been in years...".

Heck. I wack off more than anything else so that's mostly true.

Something like that anyway.

[biguy3113]

I have m Facebook page listed as interested in men and women since it's inception. I have only been asked 2 about it, so either people don't care or don't look that close.

[fredtyg]

I have m Facebook page listed as interested in men and women since it's inception. I have only been asked 2 about it,...

I'm curious how you replied to the 2 who asked you about it?

[GremZealot]

I'm completely out, on FB, irl, nobody seems to care much.

Only one person has noticed that I have that on my FB profile, and his reaction was pretty much non existent.

Most people I know just don't realize or simply couldn't care less.

[biguy3113]

I do not deny it if they ask, I am not going to hide my true self, if they can't handle it then it is their problem however I do not go around anounceing it to eveyone.

[fredtyg]

I think many of us might be surprised at how little reaction there would be if someone we know finds out. I inadvertently outed myself to a whole bunch of people I knew many years ago and, other than a few "cute" comments, it's never been a problem with me. I might add that was over 20 years ago when homo/ bisexuality wasn't as accepted as it is now.

That said, some people can experience problems with outing, as I'm sure we all know. I wasn't around when she did it but my wife's sister came out to her very religious/ anti- homo family some years ago. They didn't kick her out of the family or anything but I think at the very least she became someone many would prefer not be around.

I only say that because I suspect one of my wife's other sisters of being bi or lesbian, as well, but that sister wouldn't admit it to me. I asked the outed sister about it and she said her sister wouldn't even admit it to her, although she also felt her sister might be lesbian. She wrote me "I think when ***** saw what happened to me after I came out, there's no way she wants that to happen to her."

And all that said, I'm still one who feels I'd just rather not have some people know even if I knew they'd only shrug their shoulders if I told them. It's just not the kind of relationship that requires them knowing about my queerness. If they asked, I'd probably just go ahead and admit it, though.

[jamieknyc]

People tend to forget that no one makes you put anything on Facebook. You aren't obligated to put down a sexual preference, or to post anything.

[fredtyg]

People tend to forget that no one makes you put anything on Facebook. You aren't obligated to put down a sexual preference, or to post anything.

That is true and I didn't have any sexual preference listed until the other day. I did it simply as one step in the ongoing effort of outing myself. If something ends up making me nervous about having my preferences up for everyone to see, I can always remove them. No problems so far, though.:flag2: