Silence as a weapon

[teddyboy]

Have you ever had a partner/spouse who refuses to fight? It is absolutely maddening to me when you want to discuss or argue and the other person meets you with silence. To me it is a very damaging control tool. SOMEONE HELP ME, I'm PISSED!!!!

I'm doing good other than that. Thank God for mania :bigrin:

[ddbmma]

Ancient words of wisdom found scribed on wall of insane husband's cell.

"Fight fire with fire, but use care and do not unleash the glow worm."

Most often within our relationship, the wife and I go silent over issues, because there is nothing more to say about them. Although, we are both versed in using silence as a weapon and shield. Give your partner a bit of space and time over the issue. More often than a not, a two or three day cooling period helps.

Otherwise, go knock over small trees, split firewood, wrestle a bear. Do not tangle with the partner when pissed. Apply being pissed to something constructive like cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes, dusting.

Talk about an effective way to let a partner know your pissed, scaring them with cleaning is much like the first day of the Iraq war. "Twice the arial bombing of 'Nam compressed in twenty four hours!"

My wife gets the hint when she finds a sparkling toliet. "Oh, he's pissed at me."
She then starts asking about everything using subtle hints. "Man, that toliet must have been a real grime bucket.", "I nearly went blind in the bathroom."

[ambi53mm]

Ancient words of wisdom found scribed on wall of insane husband's cell.

"Fight fire with fire, but use care and do not unleash the glow worm."

Most often within our relationship, the wife and I go silent over issues, because there is nothing more to say about them. Although, we are both versed in using silence as a weapon and shield. Give your partner a bit of space and time over the issue. More often than a not, a two or three day cooling period helps.

Otherwise, go knock over small trees, split firewood, wrestle a bear. Do not tangle with the partner when pissed. Apply being pissed to something constructive like cleaning the bathroom, washing dishes, dusting.

Talk about an effective way to let a partner know your pissed, scaring them with cleaning is much like the first day of the Iraq war. "Twice the arial bombing of 'Nam compressed in twenty four hours!"

My wife gets the hint when she finds a sparkling toliet. "Oh, he's pissed at me."
She then starts asking about everything using subtle hints. "Man, that toliet must have been a real grime bucket.", "I nearly went blind in the bathroom."

Great Advice!! dd :bigrin: Having spent a great deal of time in West BiGod Virginia I gained a lot of knowledge and found the serenity of silence within. Appying that knowledge takes a very wise man and there is wisdom in your words.

Ambi :)

[Long Duck Dong]

i tend to use the word * ok * as a shield and a signal that I am yielding and refusing to fight but 9 times outta 10... the other people goes nuts and i struggle not to laugh my head off

its a wonderous word and 100% quaranteed to start ww# 3 lol... but the timing needs to be near perfect to gain the greatest reaction from the other person...
you need to say it with a dead pan face and good timing
you will get the following effect

yes
no
yes
no
yes
ok ( remain silent for about 10 seconds then watch your partner change colour from pink to red to deep purple then.....)
I bloody hate it when you say that yadda yadda yadda

the other good term is * yes i am *
use this one tactfully and well placed and you will blow a persons offensive position in a debate or fight.. to pieces

yes
no
yes
no
you goddam ##$%#$#%#$#%##%$%#$%#$#%#$#%#%#$#$
yes i am one
( 30 seconds of blissful silence as they seek a new edge for attacking you... and making a fool of themselves )

but silence as a weapon and a shield is a artform in itself lol and best used with a follow up sarcastic remark lol

yes
( silence )
say something will ya
( silence )
fk'ing say something
sorry was just thinking of something intelligent to say and failing miserably

now the key to a get offensive debate is to use all 3

yes
(silence )
say something
ok
don't get bloody smart
( silence )
say something
i did.... ok
now listen here you %%#%$#%$%$$%#%$%$
yes, I am one of them
$%##$ you
ok
wadda ya mean OK ????
I said ok to a $#%

ahh you gotta love the good old debate/fight... it leads to some awesome bonking :P:P

[Tx46M]

[QUOTE=teddyboy]Have you ever had a partner/spouse who refuses to fight? It is absolutely maddening to me when you want to discuss or argue and the other person meets you with silence. To me it is a very damaging control tool. SOMEONE HELP ME, I'm PISSED!!!!

My ex was (is) like that, I put up with it 12 years. It's very difficult if not impossible to keep a relationship growing when one of you will not converse!
:2cents:

[teddyboy]

Thanks for the advice and the smiles, I am at the end of my short rope.

[Mrs.F]

Flounder will tell you all that I am one to fall silent on many discussions. Sometimes because I am mad, sometimes because I have no come back to what he just stated. I think ddb's offer of help was a good one. I may walk away silent, but if you know I am thinking, or mad or whatever, you know that I will bring it up later when I have something to say. And many times Flounder has been blown out of the water (no pun intended) at what I came back to say. Time is a good thing. Things are taking wrong, or things are said that should not be said if one speaks without thinking.

I don't usually intentionally get quiet to piss him off, but I know it does.

And cleaning is a good thing...always needs to be done.... :rolleyes:

Mrs.F :)

[Tx46M]

Flounder will tell you all that I am one to fall silent on many discussions. Sometimes because I am mad, sometimes because I have no come back to what he just stated. I think ddb's offer of help was a good one. I may walk away silent, but if you know I am thinking, or mad or whatever, you know that I will bring it up later when I have something to say. And many times Flounder has been blown out of the water (no pun intended) at what I came back to say. Time is a good thing. Things are taking wrong, or things are said that should not be said if one speaks without thinking.

I don't usually intentionally get quiet to piss him off, but I know it does.

And cleaning is a good thing...always needs to be done.... :rolleyes:

Mrs.F :)

Mrs F, you know I luv ya, but I believe if the mother of my kids (we were married 12 years, been divorced 17!) was more communicative & less control driven we would at least be friends today. My second ex-wife was very communicative until about 3 months before we split up. Given the choice I'll take talk anytime! Some of us need to talk things out as things present themselves....I guess whatever works.
:2cents:

[Driver 8]

When people tell me to fight fire with fire, I tell them that the fire department generally uses water.

[Tx46M]

When people tell me to fight fire with fire, I tell them that the fire department generally uses water.
Great point BUT if ya walk out or withhold you can't do either!
;)

[Mrs.F]

Mrs F, you know I luv ya, but I believe if the mother of my kids (we were married 12 years, been divorced 17!) was more communicative & less control driven we would at least be friends today. My second ex-wife was very communicative until about 3 months before we split up. Given the choice I'll take talk anytime! Some of us need to talk things out as things present themselves....I guess whatever works.
:2cents:

Thanks Tx,
I guess I didn't see it that way. I was reading this to Flounder and he just informed that I am control driven and I do use it as a weapon to control the argument. Wow, I didn't know. Honestly, I am glad I responded on here...I learned something. And this is something I can work on changing.

Mrs.F :(

[Tx46M]

Thanks Tx,
I guess I didn't see it that way. I was reading this to Flounder and he just informed that I am control driven and I do use it as a weapon to control the argument. Wow, I didn't know. Honestly, I am glad I responded on here...I learned something. And this is something I can work on changing.

Mrs.F :(
Mrs.F,
Whew! I almost kept my mouth shut, glad I didn't make you mad I just wanted to share my perspective and experience.
D

[bijingles]

Have you ever had a partner/spouse who refuses to fight? It is absolutely maddening to me when you want to discuss or argue and the other person meets you with silence. To me it is a very damaging control tool. SOMEONE HELP ME, I'm PISSED!!!!

I'm doing good other than that. Thank God for mania :bigrin:

arguing is not discussing...silence has always caused pain, it is like saying you are not important enough to talk to or your opinion does not count.

The song “Don't sleep in the subway darling” is playing on the radio what an amazing combination of ideas that fit this topic. Bottom line, forget your foolish pride, I am married to an adult who has lived through the majority of his life without my assistance. I respect his ability to know what he wants and trust him to know how to go about getting it. Most arguments of past relationships were a result of me or him or her not getting what we wanted or being afraid we would not get what we wanted. Pointless very pointless. I gave up; I cannot change anyone and have a real hard time changing myself most of the time. If the subject is not going to matter in five years, it is not worth fighting about. Well that has been my experience and strength gained, my hope is that if I find myself getting pissed I will remember if I can’t change the situation I can always change my view. He does not need me to direct him or correct him. When my kids had pissy fits (temper tantrums), I usually walked away. If my husband acted like that I would laugh, recognizing the childishness in the behavior and let it go at that. Sometimes putting a situation into a healthy perspective is the hardest step. Hope this helps.

:grouphug:

[happyjoe68]

It depends on what you mean by silence. Refusing to discuss an issue as calm rational adults isnt right, but its really a question of why the other person is silent.

I refuse to argue in relationships - I had enough arguments growing up as a child that I refuse to spend my adult life having them. I think that its somewhat immature and emotionally stunted to think its acceptable to argue (for argue - see emotional/verbal violence) with someone over what is, essentially, fuck all 99/100 times. If you catch me in bed with your best friend/close family relative, far enough, but if you've had a bad day and think its acceptable to take it out on me then you can fuck off and grow up. Find someone else to use as your doormat.

As you can tell, I've been on the receiving end of the silent treatment - from a girlfriend, whom I loved very much. Consequently I was a bit too "nice" to argue back, I just let it wash over me. But like most people, I have a limit as to whats acceptable, and being caught out once by someone is fair enough, but the second time the relationship went through that patch, she got all the silence she wanted when I finished with her.

[coknballiker]

[QUOTE=teddyboy]Have you ever had a partner/spouse who refuses to fight? It is absolutely maddening to me when you want to discuss or argue and the other person meets you with silence. To me it is a very damaging control tool. SOMEONE HELP ME, I'm PISSED!!!!

My ex was (is) like that, I put up with it 12 years. It's very difficult if not impossible to keep a relationship growing when one of you will not converse!
:2cents:


I agree. Silence for a while is okay to let things cool down but continued silence and no discussion is DEADLY for a relationship. People will then just do their own thing, drift apart and never deal with the issues. This is a prescription for divorce in my view (or at the very least a very unhappy life)....

[WillowTree]

i tend to use the word * ok * as a shield and a signal that I am yielding and refusing to fight but 9 times outta 10... the other people goes nuts and i struggle not to laugh my head off

I really wanted to quote this whole post, but decided otherwise b/c of the length. But this is exactly how my husband fights and it drives me to the brink of insanity everytime. Pisses me off thoroughly EVERY time.

[meteast chick]

I will tell you that I am not the type of person who likes to say things that I don't mean and will come back to haunt me later. I will argue, but not to that point. My mother knows this, and my husband has come to know, that when I say "please give me some time", this means I will be silent, often hole myself in my bedroom and think about the best way to deal with it. I do not like to leave arguments unresolved. That only leads to that problem being reprised at a later time. I can tell you that the few times that I have been badgered to the breaking point, or disrupted during my 'thinking' time, it has been met with resentment. I once threw a hanger at my mother when she barged into my room,(when I still lived at home), which was my way of saying "let me be". I am NOT a violent person. I've been fortunate to have a husband who understands how I deal with conflict.

To have a spouse who refuses to argue and uses silence as a weapon, is destructive to the communication process, which in my opinion is imperative to a relationship. While I use the "pause" function on arguments, your wife is hitting "stop" and "eject". If this continues, I'm afraid of both your reactions and the pent-up reactions of your wife.

Good luck to you,
luv and kisses,
xoxoxo
meteast

[CountryLover]

the hackles stood up on the back of my neck reading this....

My marriage was very emotionally abusive, and my ex used silence (among other things) as a passive aggressive way to control me. He would go silent and then a few days later lash out with a razor sharp comment that would slice me to ribbons.

what you're describing here may be filtered through my own past experiences.....but it sure feels like passive aggressive behavior to me, and that's NOT a good way to run a relationship.

[slipperin]

silence gives you time to think before you say the wrong thing!!!!!!!??? Well most of the time eh???

[ambi53mm]

silence gives you time to think before you say the wrong thing!!!!!!!??? Well most of the time eh???

......or the time it sometimes seems to take, to think up the perfect wrong to say :bigrin:

Ambi :devil: :confused: :devil:

[ddbmma]

the hackles stood up on the back of my neck reading this....

My marriage was very emotionally abusive, and my ex used silence (among other things) as a passive aggressive way to control me. He would go silent and then a few days later lash out with a razor sharp comment that would slice me to ribbons.

No, that is not what I meant in use of silence. Folks often need room between themselves, especially two INTPs. The wife and I do talk, argue and debate. There's a rather hot subject we've agreed to disagree on. I feel circumstances merit all options being present regarding the issue. She feels nearly the exact opposite. We both provided weighty points on it and came to an impasse.

But, no I do not use silence to hone razors or set barbs. That is not what it is about in our relationship. Saw too much of that becoming an adult, pardon my language, with a really f__ked up trucker as stepfather. Ours is quite the opposite, give us a break to think over everything before passions cause decapitation or worse.

One of our rules, which has only been broken once out of nearly a decade, never go to bed together angry. I can admit to breaking that rule. The bull in me took something she had commented on in a negative light. Man, let me tell you the next morning I woke and begged forgiveness. That meant I had to explain why the anger was left inside. It was one of those times her being silent paid off. I walked around feeling small for two days.

We're not huge talkers anyway. Solitude often finds us each busy on our own little quests. Yes, we converse, we fight. I agree if we did not, there might be something in error with the relationship. But, we do use silence at times giving us needed space to live, breathe and be. And the good times outweigh the bad, I guess we're doing something correct.

[GreenEyes01]

Hi All,

I don't agree with the silence issue, my fiance and I have had some riproaring arguments... actually, let me rephrase that, I have had some riproaring arguments with a brick wall!!!

He'll often just say "ok babe" or just agree with me to shut me up, which obviously doesn't work!
Communication is key! You actually have to stop and take a deep breath and say "look, I really don't want to argue, but we HAVE to discuss this, we either do it now, or when we'v both calmed down"
Saying stuff in the heat of anger is toxic!

My other half and I were (sort of are) on the verge of splitting, mainly because of an extreme lack of communiction (we'v been together 6 years and have a daughter together) on both our parts. He only recently (bout month and a half ago) found out I'm bi!

Silence isn't the answer to anything, when he has nothing to say to me i think "great, he doesn't give a shit!". It might be best to just say fine, we'll drop it for now cos we'r getting nowhere, but WE WILL be discussing this again soon. When both of you are calm and rational and had a day or two to think things through. More often than not, once you've had a couple of days to mull things over, they don't seem so "end of the world" and you can sit down like two adults and talk!

Hope this helps... am speaking from experience.

[slaphappypud]

Have you ever had a partner/spouse who refuses to fight? It is absolutely maddening to me when you want to discuss or argue and the other person meets you with silence. To me it is a very damaging control tool. SOMEONE HELP ME, I'm PISSED!!!!

Yeah, me! I will argue up to a point, but I refuse to raise my voice and when it comes to the point that nothing rational is being accomplished I clam up. Arguing just seems to me more of a spleen venting contest than anything. I figure that as an adult I should be able to make my point without getting overly emotional. My philosophy is that you choose to either remain calm or allow anger to take over. Part of my motivation behind this is that I'm the type of person that when I loose control, it's totally gone. I break things (worst case, I did $12,000 in damage to a rental house, just stopped short of arson :) ).



I'm doing good other than that. Thank God for mania :bigrin:

Mania? As in bi-polar? My wife is bi-polar and I know that, at times, she gets angry (PISSED) without any real reason. She's very adept at finding SOMETHING to point a finger at as the cause. Took me years to figure out that she was putting the cart before the horse....

[csrakate]

When it comes to affairs of the heart, silence is NOT golden...but perhaps a control issue...or a method of denial. Regardless, neither scenario is healthy. I do however, recommend a cooling off period so that both parties can relate to one another in a calm manner...(yeah right...I am sooo guilty of blowing up at the moment!!! LOL!)...but talk you must!!! Otherwise...don't plan on the pain or the issue to just go away...it festers...then you really have a problem!!! Years of pain and frustration rolled into one..not a pretty thing!!

Hugs,
Kate