*Update* The Final Chapter [Archive]

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rupertbare

Mar 25, 2006, 1:25 PM

My real life daughter (Site member"Proud daughter") posted this on the 10th March "not gonna say that rupes all innocent in this, it does take two to make or break a relationship" and it is with that in mind that I pour my heart out to you for one last time.

I am an alcoholic - I gave up 15 years ago so that my wife and I could "make babies" - we needed strong healthy "swimmers" lol!! :)
I suffer migraines that make me unbearable to be around.
I have suffered from bouts of depression from the age of 14 - I appear withdrawn for days, sometimes weeks at a time.
If I can't get something to work or fugure something out quickly I tend to shout my frustrations out.
Therefore I am not the easiest of men to live with.

I am still grieving:-
For lost love
for my marrriage
And for for losing my best friend.

For although the last three years were hell - I went to sleep most nights hoping that I wouldn't awaken.
The first three were heaven.
I thanked God in the garden (yard) every morning for her and us.
And we produced two wonderful children that I love dearly.

I have written some short, bad poems and letters to my wife - expressing my sense of loss. They will go with me to my grave.

Today I informed both my wife and solicitor (attorney) that I am no longer intending to proceed with the case.
My wife can have her divorce on any grounds that she chooses.
Except the lie that I beat her and the children. Not only is this a downright lie - there is no evidence to support it.
My funding means I will be left with debts and it doesn't cover the most important part - access to my children. I cannot afford this.
My children are of an age where they no longer need me around so much so I am now leaving it up to them when they wish to see their daddy. Their older two brothers and Proud Daughter will always know where I can be found.
This is a very hard descision for me to make - but I will not have my wife's past brought up in court. She may have tried to destroy me as a father, a man, as a person but I will NOT do it to her.

With the help of my counsellor and friends here on site I have learnt to accept me for what I am. I appear to be an OK guy. Full of love and humour, caring and nurturing. And when I had a chance a doting father wishing to expose my kids to the arts, science and just the fun of learning new things. And to see shapes in clouds and trees.I don't think I did a bad job.

And so there we are. The final entry in this "blog" like series of threads. I have grown closer to old friends and made many new ones here on site in this wonderful community we have.

So a page closes........

And a new one opens. I will spend the rest of my remaining life being me, and being happy with me.
I have found and fallen in love with another member here on site and she has fallen in love with me.
"if just for two days
what days they would be"
And if she and I are only ever granted just two days and one night together - what days they will be indeed!!!!
Macy I love you.

So thank you for your love, support and encouragement.
But mostly thank you for letting me find "myself" and to enable me to be happy being "me"

Proud Daughter I love you.

with love and peace to you and yours

Ron (aka Rupe - or for that one special member - Rupert - u know who u r) :)

meteast chick

Mar 25, 2006, 1:46 PM

Ron, so much to let sink in...

Whatever you do, don't let your wife take advantage of your hospitality, your sweet, giving nature. You are being the bigger man, taking the high road, and for that and many other reasons I respect you immensely. I'm sure you have done a wonderful job as a father. Overcoming your demons is not easy. I think we all know that. The fact that your own daughter is a part of this site speaks volumes about your loving, caring spirit. I can tell you how happy I am that you have found love. As long as you are true to yourself, you can find true love.

Good luck to you, my friend,
luv and kisses,
xoxoxo
Rachelle...aka meteast_chick

Mrs.F

Mar 25, 2006, 5:06 PM

(((((((((((((((((((Rupe))))))))))))))))

You know my thoughts, as I tell them to you daily...sorry :rolleyes:

You know I stand behind you and will back you up no matter what you do. Moving on in your life is going to be hard, but you have already overcome so much and will continue on that path. :)

And as for your faults that you have....We all have them. I can be the biggest bitch you ever seen...(ask Flounder :yikes2: ) I've done alot of things wrong and it has not been easy to fess up, but no one is ever perfect and we all have a side to us that you don't want to admit. But that's life. Change it if you know you can...and I believe that you have changed.

Little by little your past will not hurt so bad and your future will be brighter. Things will turn around and someday your kids will be back in your arms.

((((((hugs))))))))
Mrs.F :kiss:

proud daughter

Mar 25, 2006, 5:16 PM

proud daughter

Mar 25, 2006, 6:13 PM

OK another message from me on this subject. i have thought about it and while i still dont really agree with rupes decision...its just that his decision. i know he would have really thought about it and that it was such a hard decision to have to make, but in the end its the best thing....saves the kids having to go through all of the shit that comes with court hearings etc...

when i said 'your letting her win' i guess your not and i didnt mean it to sound like a war. im sure the kids will want to see you soon. and mums not all bad.

i am glad you are more positive, counselling and macy have helped loads, as have everyone else on this site who have listened to my dad moan and offered words of advice and sympathy, so thanks.

as i said before us older kids will have to get used to your decision, and we will it just might take the boys a bit longer. dont worry youll get all your kids back soon.

lots of love rupe and everyone

PD x

MotherGoose

Mar 25, 2006, 6:31 PM

First off, let me start by saying I love you! I'm very proud of how far you have come since all of this began. You've become more open with everyone and have given great advice to others that are in need of support in one way or another. I'm sure that you are a 'muse' to a lot of individuals on this site.
However...

I tend to agree with Proud Daughter in regards to the children. They're young, hurt and don't understand what is really going on except for what they hear from their mother. You were the 'Stay at home dad' that took care of their needs for all of these years. I'm sure they never knew of your bi side. And even if they did, it did not change the way you loved them and nurtured them did it? So why all the sudden 'give up' on trying to get at least visitation with them? They need you, Rupe! Even if they don't live with you all the time, at least try to fight for them! Let them know how strong you really are. If you just give up on them, the day may come when they don't care if they see you again and just give up on you! Don't let that happen! Where there's a will, there's a way!! Fight for what you deserve, your babies!!
Just don't give up!

As far as everything else in your life, I'm DEFINATELY glad that I became a part of it!

And Proud Daughter, thank you for the compliment, but your father is much stronger that he realizes. It just took understanding, an open mind, and love to make him realize what a truly wonderful man he really is! And I do love him!
You can be 'proud' to have a father like him!!! :bipride:

MotherGoose

Mar 25, 2006, 8:54 PM

rumple4skin

Mar 26, 2006, 3:29 AM

Today I informed both my wife and solicitor (attorney) that I am no longer intending to proceed with the case.
My wife can have her divorce on any grounds that she chooses.
Except the lie that I beat her and the children. Not only is this a downright lie - there is no evidence to support it.
My funding means I will be left with debts and it doesn't cover the most important part - access to my children. I cannot afford this.
My children are of an age where they no longer need me around so much so I am now leaving it up to them when they wish to see their daddy. Their older two brothers and Proud Daughter will always know where I can be found.
This is a very hard descision for me to make - but I will not have my wife's past brought up in court. She may have tried to destroy me as a father, a man, as a person but I will NOT do it to her.

(((((((((((( Rupe )))))))))))))
You are a good guy. I admire you for not wanting to put your wife thru the wringer even thought she did that to you. You know I love and respect you mate.

I am not going to say decide this or that. I will say that you need to make sure that this is a decision that you can live with long term. You need to make sure that you are not making this decision because it seems easier now.

I could be very wrong on this so you should talk to your solicitor about it. I think if your children are minors and you do not have visitation rights they may not be able to see you when they want to. Their ability to see you may be at the whim of their mother. Even if she says she will let them see you unless you have that in writing you cannot trust her. You are not putting the choice in their hands by doing this. You are putting in the choice in her hands. You need to carefully consider your decision and make sure you are doing what is best for you and your children. If your wife has a past that may come out in court that is her fault for making this a court case. Unless you think that you are an unfit father (which I do not believe) then your children DO need you and YOU need them. Even if your kids do not know they need you and do not come to see you they still need you to be a part of their life.
If you are making this decision because you think it will be easier on the kids I can respect that. It will avoid the court but may cause your babies years or a lifetime of misunderstandings about why you did not fight for the right to see them. They may not understand that you did this to save them pain.

If you are making this decision because it will be easier on you then shame on you Ron. You would be dodging a responsibility you have to your kids and I know you would regret that later.

I hope that you have not taken offence to anything I said here Ron. You know that is not my motivation. I just want you to think very carefully about such an important decision. Do not let fear or pain make the decision for you. No matter what you decide mate you will have my love and support.

With much Love, Support and Respect,
Rumple

BI BOYTOY

Mar 26, 2006, 6:15 AM

hey their rupert. im glad you found love even if on the net.and i also respect the fact that you gave up alchaholism.and im also glad that your finding happyness everyone needs to be happy in this everchanging world.it helps that you are exepting yourself for who you are.im not going to tell you what i think you should do,you have enough people giving you great advise. only you with some soul searching can do the right thing.i however offer my support and wish you the very best.you have been thruogh so much in your life you should be true to your self in what ever you decide to do.oops i did it. well rupert take it easy and ill talk to you again,happy days and happy nights. :three: :bigrin: :bipride:

huneypot

Mar 26, 2006, 10:08 AM

i cant think of anything to say except
(((((((((((((((((((((((((ron)))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))

rupertbare

Mar 26, 2006, 10:20 AM

(((((((((((Macy, PD))))))))))))
my lovelies!!!!! What would I do without you two!!!!!!! I love you both to bits!!

When my youngest two want to see me - they can - anytime - I will standing there waiting for them with open arms and an open heart!!!!
If my wife doesn't allow them to see me when they ask to be able to........ha!!!

The funding issue - and the amount of debt that I would end up in - only became clear on Friday - in a letter that I received from my attorney. I had misunderstood some of the previous letters (bloomin' Leagalise - why can't they use Plain English!!!) And the worst part was learning that I would receive NO Public Funding to gain access to my kids - because my wife was not showing a willingness to compromise (ie. the letter from her attorney REFUSING access).
I was in a no win situation.
This way I keep my dignity, my sanity, my integraty, and not end up in debt for little "gain".
My "day in court" was just a wish for revenge on my wife, simple as that - a desire to prove that she lied in her sworn statement. Well that could have meant her going to prison for perjury - you think any of my kids would thank me for that. Well I think not!!!!! and to "prove" my case would have meant involving my older kids in the "battle", no dear friends - a court drama is no answer - just a bitter dispute with NO winners.

SO that's it, I guess, and of course when I do see my "babies" again - I'll put up one of the happiest threads that you will ever read!!!!!

Love to you and yours!!!

Ron :)
XXX

rupertbare

Mar 26, 2006, 11:32 AM

I forgot to add, no matter what you do, I will ALWAYS be here for you!!! The ultimate decision is yours.

You are a very strong man, Rupe. All of the qualities that you have are the ones that women dream of in any man that they meet. Even though we have not met face to face, you have been my rock, my confidante, my friend, and my love. I am forever grateful to you. If only for a day or two...what a wonderful time we would have. Thank you for all that you are, Rupe! A wonderful example of a beautiful human being! And I'm proud to be a part of it! :color:

Love Macy

Oh gee!! What can I say!!!

except that I love you too and am so happy that you are a part of my life - and Proud Daughter has grown to kinda like you too!!!! She can see what you are doing for my life!!! And they are only good things!!!

I love you Macy.

And I guess now, that the cat is out of the bag!!!!
Yep Macy and Rupe!!!!

Ron :)

CountryLover

Mar 26, 2006, 12:20 PM

coknballiker

Mar 26, 2006, 12:46 PM

just gonna add my bit to this. and im afraid it goes against what others have replied, so sorry dad but...
i think your wrong giving up with the kids. they are confused and afraid and upset, and they dont want to see you at the moment, but not forever.
your letting her win.

but...its your decision. i guess us older kids will just have to accept that.

glad you happier and i guess thats got alot to do with macy. so thanks macy.

love you always daddy, and your not a bad person i guess :tong:

PD xx

I agree with your daughter. I think you are a generous person and are taking the high road to let your wife have her way. BUT I disagree when you say your children of "of age" and don't need you. They do. Children ALWAYS need BOTH their parents even when they are adults. I think you should still fight to have as much exposure to your children as possible. They need to know how much you do care. AND they will need you. Maybe not all the time but there will be times when you will need to be there for them. Do give in to blackmail, etc. Fight to see your children, you deserve it and they need it!!!

My :2cents:

usedbear1950

Mar 26, 2006, 3:32 PM

This is not the final chapter! It is the next chapter.
This chapter is one that you wil write yourself. You will be the hero and Macy the heroine. Proud Daughter is your anchor. Write the story of a man who overcomes adversity, finds love and revels in his children.
"When you walk thru a storm,
Hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end the storm lies a golden sun,
and the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on thru the wind,
Walk on thru the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown,
Walk on, Walk on, with hope in your heart,
And you'll never walk alone,
No you'll never walk alone!"
Rodgers & Hammerstein (Carousel)

ur ever luvin
usedbear

slipperin

Mar 26, 2006, 3:58 PM

hi rupe sorry been away and busy and just caught up with all. sorry to hear about your situation but again i ask questions !! why did you never just sort out your unhappiness, if for three years you never wanted to wake up?? was your wife (soon to be ex by all accounts) that miserable too? Also again why did your wife deny you access to the children through the attorney? Sorry I am just plain nosey and I do wish you well with Macy and I hope you can somehow have your two days of being together.I am sure what is meant to be will ,be so good luck in your future.

nubiwoman

Mar 26, 2006, 3:58 PM

Rumple makes a good point Rupe. If your kids are minors, they may not be able to choose when they want to see you. I hope you can work that out.

One suggestion - write to them. Keep a daily journal of your thoughts and wishes to be with them. They might not get to see it for a while, but it will mean a lot to them. :2cents:

blessings on you in this tough time.
Sara

Hey Rupe...

......I see exactly where you are coming from and have such respect for your integrety and dignity in making these very tough decisions regarding yourself and your familys future...

......I also think Saras suggestion to start a journal for each of your 'babies' is an an inspired one... what a unique gift.

..... love Julie xx

mistymockingbird

Mar 26, 2006, 4:38 PM

(((((((((((Rupe)))))))))))))

Darlin, I know how hard it is to take the high road. You're desire to refrain from doing to your wife what she has done to you is admirable. It's hard to do, and it sucks, and she may or may not ever acknowledge or appreciate it. But at the end of the day, you are the one who has to look yourself in the mirror and face your decisions.

As for the kids, divorce is hard on them no matter how old they are when it happens. Its true that this may cause a rift in your relationship with them. I hope that in time, they will come to see that their Dad is just trying to do what he thinks is best. Using the tools life has given you. That's all we can ask of another person.

And I agree with the journal idea. Or poetry or whatever strikes your fancy. Create something for them that will heal you now and help them to know their father when they are ready for it.

You're in my thoughts. Sending you all my good karma. I'm glad you have found people in your life, online and in person, who are standing beside you. We all need that.

Love,
Misty

onewhocares

Mar 27, 2006, 12:28 AM

Rupe,

I have to agree with Bear, it is not the final chapter, just a new chapter, a new begining. Rumple and others make good and sincere points concerning your children. They need a dad, I know I would be as proud of you as Proud Daughter is. Wish my dad were more like you. Sarah's Journal idea is wonderful, it will give your children insight into the man who is their dad. You know Bill and I are always here for you, as are so many. Each tomorrow begins with today.

Belle

rupertbare

Mar 27, 2006, 6:27 AM

(((((((((Friends)))))))))

Well by now you may have had a chance to read my two earlier replies - my life IS now a blank page - a new chapter awaiting to be written!!!!

And about keeping a journal - the lovely, wonderful and wise Arana suggested this to me a few weeks back - and I HAVE!!! lol!!!

I've been telling them where I've been - sticking in leaflets and pictures.
My thought, hopes, fears, dreams, etc.!!!
And I will be keeping it for when they are ready to view it.

And, I hasten to add, it is not full of hateful thoughts about their mother.

Slipperin - Yes my wife was just as unhappy - the last last three years crippled us all - kids included.
Why did she deny me acces to the kids - I can honsetly say I have no idea - I think she is just trying to protect them from yet more rows - my youngest has always disliked any form of confrontation - even to a point of having to cross roads so as not to pass drunks and beggars. For a time I thought it was purely out of spite, now I really just don't know.

And my youngest is a strong willed young thing - if she decides she wants to see me and my wife stops her - then it is my wife who will pay in the long term - little girls have LONG memories.

I hope none of you really think that I have just "given up" - far from it!!! I want the kids to see me when they want to see me - not when a court tells them that they "have to"!!!
And I am just NOT prepared to drag my wife's name through the mud to have my "day in court" - that is not winning anything - it would just be vengance. And what could it possibly achieve - a few minutes of vain glory - and then feel I real cad for the next few years.

OK - that's all for now - as this is the last thread that I intend on this subject I shall be posting more replies than usual - and thanks for the PMs to you who have sent them - some very critical of my decision - but please do keep on sending them!!

With love and peace to you and yours

Rupe :)

csrakate

Mar 27, 2006, 1:10 PM

Rupert,
Taking the high road is a very difficult decision but it is one that is made out of care and concern for others...and as long as you are happy with your decision, as long as you have no regrets...then I am behind you 100%!!!

Keep writing down those feelings....share them when you feel the need...and always know that we are here for you!

Hugs and lots of love,
Kate