Wanting to Tell Spouse

[dudw_guy]

Hi;

How can I tell my wife that I'm wanting to be with a man. We have been married for a really long time and I can't even start to think of how to start the conversation. I want and need her support

[ironwood]

There is know easy way to tell her .I myself went through the same thing.My wife found out threw a website i signed up for and then i told her everything.We are still together but she still doesn't understand the complexities of being bisexual.Good luck and hope all goes well.

[mooon]

I think it is best to start very slow.
You may have been having these desires a long time, and are just now ready to go there.
For her, it might be a shock.

So, start by telling her just a bit of a fantasy.
One step at a time.
Later, maybe introduce a little ass play in the bedroom.
Take it very slow, and guage her reactions as you go.
As she becomes more comfortable with the fantasies, then maybe role play, then you might mention wanting to be with a real man.
You will likely have to reassure her that its not a threat to your marriage. (Is it?)
Make sure you give her the love and attention to back that up.

If she's uneasy about it, it might help to bring her here, or maybe the Alternate Path Yahoo group.

Congratulations on finding the resolve to do it right.
Only you know your wife, and how she might react.
If your marriage is stable and loving, it should work out fine. If not, look out!
YMMV

[dudw_guy]

thanks;

we have tried some things, she has used a strap on on me, she wasn't into that. But seemed ok with it.

We have tried some ass play, she somewhat enjoys me rimming her. We have watched alot of girl-on-girl porn, I think she loves it,,, We have watched man-on-man porn, she said: she didn't like it, I loved it. go figure

I love my wife, this is not competition or wanting to leave marriage...

I just want to do more...

[JessyRee]

I went through the same thing a while ago...I am the wife in the situation though..LOL...I have known I was bi for a long time but hadn't been with a woman since I met my husband.Met a girl at school that I really liked and finally I had to just come out and tell him.He was totally accepting and even encouraged me to date this girl on the side as long as everyone was agreeable.This may or may not be an option in your marriage but she may surprise you and be more than willing to allow you to explore with other men...Some people dont consider it cheating if it's with the same sex..I don't know your wife's take on this but you never know unless you say something..Good luck and keep us updated.

[fredtyg]

thanks;
We have watched alot of girl-on-girl porn, I think she loves it,,, We have watched man-on-man porn, she said: she didn't like it, I loved it. go figure
.

Seems strange to me she might have liked the girl/ girl porn but not the man/man. I've gotten the impression a lot of women enjoy man/man porn.

How does she feel about homosexuals in general? Has she made any comments in regards gay marriages and such? I've known some people can seem to get worked up when faced with issues of homosexual behavior but it's often just to cover up the fact they're either sympathetic to it or have engaged in homo behavior themselves and don't want others to think they have been.

[fredtyg]

Just tell her that you're bisexual.

There you go. That's straight to the point.

I was thinking that maybe you could get some man/man porn and be watching it and ask her what she thinks about it.

If she says "it's yucko", or some such, you might reply along the lines of "I read somewhere that a lot of women really enjoy watching guys getting it on. I do enjoy it and have to admit I'd really like to try having a real dick up me".

Then maybe she'd say "Are you serious?". You reply, "Yep. I've never done it before. I've thought about it off and on my whole life but never really acted on it. Would you get off seeing a guy with his dick up me?"

Then see how it goes from there.

[dudw_guy]

Seems strange to me she might have liked the girl/ girl porn but not the man/man. I've gotten the impression a lot of women enjoy man/man porn.

How does she feel about homosexuals in general? Has she made any comments in regards gay marriages and such? I've known some people can seem to get worked up when faced with issues of homosexual behavior but it's often just to cover up the fact they're either sympathetic to it or have engaged in homo behavior themselves and don't want others to think they have been.

I think shes very understanding when it comes to gay marriages, I think its more of maybe a concern of "why" do I like gay porn now after all these years, whats going on. Why do I like anal sex more now ,,,

There could be am opportunity to say; well I'm really interested in ...
But I just cant...

[luckyman]

Good Luck Colo,
It is tough having desires and not being able to fulfill them or even talk about them. Depending on where you live you might not even be able to do anything about it anyway. Makes for more frustration.
Maybe see if you can find some Bi videos and watch those. Ask her about the FF thing and how that seems to be ok and what is it about the MM thing that bothers her.
Do you two play with toys other than the strap on? Maybe having her put on in her mouth to wet it, then ask her if she would like for you to do that.
What are her thoughts on anal in general. Maybe that is what she is not into however would not mind MM oral.
Again, good luck. Could turn out well and life would be less stressful or it could go bad real fast or anywhere in the middle.

[dudw_guy]

shes not into anal penetration period, I think small about of playing, ok.
I think she would like 3some either: FMM or MMF, based on comments in past

[rutemptedalso]

Just tell her that you're bisexual.

This is a good place to start. She wont like it but keep letting her know that she's number one in your life and this isn't something she caused or can change. Don't go behind her back! Wait until she can approve of it. Of course she may never approve of it and you may have to deside. You don't want the guit of cheating on her though.

[NotLostJustWandering]

Personally, all this strategizing about roundabout communication makes me uncomfortable. I think that on some level we always know when a loved one is withholding information from us. We may ignore that feeling, but only at the expense of our peace of mind.

I would come out and tell her the whole truth, and moreover vow that this will be the end of all such secrecy, and the beginning of a new era of deeper communication between the two of you.

[alzgoode]

I have alot of sympathy for you and there is no simple solution. In my opinion the real question is are you prepared for her to reject the whole thing and leave you? If you are mentally prepared to lose something, it gives you strength in dealing with these situations. Personally, I believe my wife would leave, and I'm not prepared to accept that, nor the inevitable shockwave that would run through the family, friends, co-workers, etc. that will likely find out. Consider me weak, despise me, whatever, that is the truth. So before you go off and do something you will possibly regret, be sure you are able to deal with the consequences. That is all I am saying, best of luck to you and all of us in this situation.

[byekinder]

After 30 years of marriage, I suggested a 3-some with another man to my husband. He was shocked and didn't like it. I think it made him feel insecure about our relationship. Trust me, that will be your wife's first reaction...is she not pleasing you? And, she will be concerned about Safe Sex. But, I didn't just hit him with it....I led up to it. I started out asking about his fantasies and telling him mine. At first, I was modest. These talks got more in-depth until I finally introduced the idea of mmf. I have also become more attentive and seductive towards him. Then, I started surprising him with porn movies that later (and now always) includes MMF. It was like when he saw it in the movies, it didn't look so bad. You might even start but having her massage your prostate while you two are having sex. When she realizes how much you enjoy, she may be more understanding that you expected.

[krrptyc]

we have tried some things, she has used a strap on on me, she wasn't into that. But seemed ok with it.

We have tried some ass play, she somewhat enjoys me rimming her. We have watched alot of girl-on-girl porn, I think she loves it,,, We have watched man-on-man porn, she said: she didn't like it, I loved it. go figure


I think she would like 3some either: FMM or MMF, based on comments in past

Let me see....She has used a strap-on with you, she knows you like man-on-man porn, you like to rim her, you think see would be agreeble to a MMF threesome, and you think it going to be a big surprise to her that you have bisexual urges?


There could be am opportunity to say; well I'm really interested in ...
But I just cant...

It seems to me that you have done all the hard work. Some how "please fuck me with a strap-on while I watch MM porn sex" seems harder than "you know dear, I think I have some bisexual tendencies." You say she liked the girl-on girl porn? You could ask her if she has ever fantasized about being with another woman. Maybe she has, maybe she would be willing to invite a male to join you if she could have a female join you. Maybe she hasn't and you can tell her you enjoyed the strap-on and have wondered what it would be like to have a real dick.




Do you understand why after all these years these feelings have emerged or gotten stronger? I know I don't understand why mine have surfaced so strong in the last few years. But that would be something to tell her. Despite indications she is understanding and is evidently open to expermentation, you seem to fear she will have a negative react.

I invite you to think about the possiblities of how wonderful your life could be if she does not react negatively. A completely honest relationship where you feel safe about sharing your inner most thoughts with your spouse. Perhaps even sharing a man with her or her exceptance of you having MM sex without her there.

You must, however, be prepared if she does react negatively. Tell her you are sorry if it upsets her but you feel you were being dishonest with her and yourself and wanted it in the open. If you can truthfuly tell her "this is how I feel but I will never do anything to betray the trust between us" then tell her that. You also need to tell her what you have said here, that you don't want to threaten your marriage, you love her and don't want to loose her, and that you want this to be in the open between you.


Good luck Colorado Guy, I know telling my wife was one of the hardest thing I have ever done.

[Northerner]

<<<< How can I tell my wife that I'm wanting to be with a man. We have been married for a really long time and I can't even start to think of how to start the conversation. I want and need her support >>>>

I have not come out to my wife yet, so take this for what it's worth:

You have lots of things to consider:
- How does she feel about bi/homosexuality in general?
- How secure does she feel about your relationship?
- Are there other issues that are causing stress in the relationship, that this might exacerbate?
- Does she have moral/religious/philosophical reasons to object to you having more than one partner?
- She may be concerned about exposure to STDs.

I suspect that when you you do start talking about bisexuality you will need to make it clear that this will be in addition to your relationship with your wife, and not instead of your relationship with her.

Even if she believes you, she could quite reasonably be insecure about the danger of your interests shifting away from her. After all, a new relationship is always more exciting. I think you should assume that a LOT of communication is going to be necessary.

I like the approach of discussing sexual fantasies. Maybe she has similar fantasies! Start mild and pay close attention to her reactions. Probe gently if you get a negative reaction, it may be an opportunity to learn more about what offends or scares her, and why.

Be patient. A negative initial reaction could change after she has time to get used to the idea.

Good luck, and please keep us posted on your progress.

[acscomps]

I have alot of sympathy for you and there is no simple solution. In my opinion the real question is are you prepared for her to reject the whole thing and leave you? If you are mentally prepared to lose something, it gives you strength in dealing with these situations. Personally, I believe my wife would leave, and I'm not prepared to accept that, nor the inevitable shockwave that would run through the family, friends, co-workers, etc. that will likely find out. Consider me weak, despise me, whatever, that is the truth. So before you go off and do something you will possibly regret, be sure you are able to deal with the consequences. That is all I am saying, best of luck to you and all of us in this situation.
I know what you mean. My wife found some stuff on my computer where I was sloppy and didn't make sure things were cleared off. We had a talk and she asked if I was looking to suck dick. I didn't have the courage to tell her. I did tell her I was open to swinging and she didn't say she was willing, but she didn't kill me either. So, we're still evolving I suppose...

[cocklovers]

its a touchy situation. my wife found me watching gay or bi porn on my computer numorous times. she confronted me a couple times, then didnt say anything. i found out later she was very close to leaving me because of it. once we say down and talked about it and i told her that cock was something i wanted to try, but i had to have her. we worked it out. its a slow process. this all started about 5 years ago. we are just now trying to set up my first cock taking experience. it took a long time to explain to her that i could not live with out her, but i could live without cock, BUT i would like to try a real cock. and she has been fucking me with her strap on for about 12 years. and she have been using dildos in my ass for about 14 years. good luck

[Velorex]

Just go out and buy a really fantastic drag outfit, and walk into the bedroom, with your most boisterous "SURPRISE!" Make sure to have a buttplug in.

Of course I'm kidding, you have got some really great responses above, I wish you luck my friend. I came out to my wife and she is totally 100% supportive and actually turned on by it. I hope you find the courage, and all goes well!

[elian]

Well, the good news is she is already participating in sex play in the bedroom that some couples just would not do. I think eventually you will find a way. Just be sure to reassure her that you love HER and that she comes first, if that is truly how you feel.

As far as the dislike of MM porn, some people are turned off by seeing two guys kissing for example - it took me a while when I first was coming to terms with my feelings to enjoy that..actually if I watch pr0n I enjoy amateur much better than "pro" - the pro stuff can be so fake it's enough to turn anyone off.

[Roxas]

If your thinking of exploring the option of having sex with a man you should take it slow.

that said, you need to take the first step immediately, tell her you have bisexual tendencies. Don't say you would like a cock or that gay porn turns you on, you need her to know you still like women and that you love her and that you wouldn't do anything to upset her.

Hints are abound that you may like guys and she is probably the one person in the world who knows you best. It could be far more damaging to wait than to tell her. If she thinks you have turned gay and lost interest in her or that you are exploring behind her back it could be devastating.

even some of the above posts have talk briefly about that the biggest reason that their partner was upset was that they felt like they weren't enough or that they were less loved.

[Tina1986]

Thats why i think that the honesty is the best policy... I ve been honest wiv my boyfriend from the start coz i knew that it wont b fair on him if we ll start relationship wivout him knowing whole true about me... Hope it will work out well for you and ur wife, Tina

[goldenfinger]

I'm sure dudw-guy has moved on, 3 years ago,,

[Tina1986]

Oh!!! Didnt notice lol

[Ebonybifemme7]

Either she'll like it or she'll be flat out against it. There's this misconception that if a man is bi that he's on his way to being gay, which I know isn't always true, but most straight women think it is. Most straight women dont like stuff like that (just being honest). There worst fear is finding out there man is gay or has homosexual/bi thoughts or feelings. With all due respect I hope your situation works out. The worst feeling is being trapped in a marriage and not being able to talk to your spouse.

[wifekinky4husband]

As far as the dislike of MM porn, some people are turned off by seeing two guys kissing for example - it took me a while when I first was coming to terms with my feelings to enjoy that..actually if I watch pr0n I enjoy amateur much better than "pro" - the pro stuff can be so fake it's enough to turn anyone off.

I know the original poster is no longer with us but wanted to comment on this post. This is the only thing I do not care for. I can handle pretty much anything guys do bu kissing, I am pretty open but the guys kissing grosses the beejeebees out of me.

[wifekinky4husband]

After 30 years of marriage, I suggested a 3-some with another man to my husband. He was shocked and didn't like it. I think it made him feel insecure about our relationship. Trust me, that will be your wife's first reaction...is she not pleasing you? And, she will be concerned about Safe Sex. But, I didn't just hit him with it....I led up to it. I started out asking about his fantasies and telling him mine. At first, I was modest. These talks got more in-depth until I finally introduced the idea of mmf. I have also become more attentive and seductive towards him. Then, I started surprising him with porn movies that later (and now always) includes MMF. It was like when he saw it in the movies, it didn't look so bad. You might even start but having her massage your prostate while you two are having sex. When she realizes how much you enjoy, she may be more understanding that you expected.

Again with, I know the original poster is no longer with us so this is for any who might have a similar issue. I am the one who introduced anal to my husband and I am also the one who has gently guided him towards more and more. It works, most everyone will move in the direction gently guided by a loving caring mate thought it may take time and change directions multiple times. Patience is the key as far as I have discovered, that and creativity.

As moon below said, try, play, introduce, tease, mess around, explore, probe, prod and keep moving the direction desired. Eventually you will not only find what your mate is into you might discover new ones for yourself.


I think it is best to start very slow.
You may have been having these desires a long time, and are just now ready to go there.
For her, it might be a shock.

So, start by telling her just a bit of a fantasy.
One step at a time.
Later, maybe introduce a little ass play in the bedroom.
Take it very slow, and guage her reactions as you go.
As she becomes more comfortable with the fantasies, then maybe role play, then you might mention wanting to be with a real man.
You will likely have to reassure her that its not a threat to your marriage. (Is it?)
Make sure you give her the love and attention to back that up.

If she's uneasy about it, it might help to bring her here, or maybe the Alternate Path Yahoo group.

Congratulations on finding the resolve to do it right.
Only you know your wife, and how she might react.
If your marriage is stable and loving, it should work out fine. If not, look out!
YMMV

[ckman314]

Just come out with it, easier said then done I know but its the only way best thing I ever did

[lizard-lix]

I told my wife before we married, but since we agreed on monogamy, she pretty much forgot over the first 28+ years... After all the time, I had not forgotten and as I hit my midlife crisis time, or whatever you want to call it, I realized that I missed both the kink and bisexuality I had left behind.

So I bit it and came straight out with it about 5 years ago. I told her that I missed those parts of my old life, that I wanted them back, but most of all that I still loved her, more than ever and that I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and share these things with her.

She (re)took my bisexuality easily, she has never had a problem with it. OTOH, she has been struggling with the rest, trying hard but struggling. We have added a lot more kink: Toys, some BDSM, a strapon and just generally more kinky playfulness. Some works (she is now a total vibrator lover), some doesn't (BDSM is still a difficult mystery and I am the sub/bottom, so she is not being tied up and flogged, etc, I want her to do those things to me), the strapon is a once in a great while thing, even though she gets off with the double ended one we have. But we work on these things and we have put a lot of fun and some exploration back into our sex life.

OTOH, the real difficult one has been opening the relationship, so far there has been one almost, where she let me go on a date with a guy, but it freaked her out and she took back the permission before anything happened. We continue to work on it, hoping to find a like minded couple that attracts both of us (after a year on this path, we have met some folks and had one date, so progress is being made, but it is going slowly).

Good luck, be patient and loving and keep working at it!

Liz