Tips on coming out?

[rds0108]

Hey, all! First time poster here, although I've lurked occasionally. I was hoping I could get some tips. Here's my situation:

I'm a bi guy with a strong preference for women. So far I'm only out to my girlfriend, who is totally cool and very encouraging, and two close friends (one a gay man I've known since high school, one his roommate, a woman I used to date). This was fine for a long time. I didn't feel the need to advertise my sexuality, and there were and still are good reasons not to be totally out in my situation.

Still, I've been thinking lately about letting some longtime friends know. These are people I've known for 15 years in some cases, but haven't necessarily seen in awhile, although we correspond frequently on Facebook and the like. I've been thinking of telling them because I'm tired of keeping it a secret with all but the chosen three. But I'm not really sure how to approach it with them. I just don't want it to seem too, I don't know, abrupt, seeing as how we haven't actually seen each other in awhile. Any tips from some voices of experience? Thanks!

[fredtyg]

Perhaps giving a few hints might allow you to avoid what might be an awkward attempt at outing yourself to them? Do you correspond via e-mail? Maybe including a link to this site in the signature of your e-mail might be noticed and they could bring it up in a question back at you? Then you could just say that you stumbled into this site, started reading the forums, and found a lot in common with all of us great people in here:bigrin:

I outed myself to a brother- in- law some years ago but that was when the hint thing would of been a bit to outish, since others might have seen it. I'd had the hots for him for some time but felt a bit uneasy about letting him know as he'd joined in with another friend with anti- homo humor in the past.

One day I decided I had to tell him so, when he came over and we were drinking beer in the garage I moved our conversation to sex. Then I moved it a bit towards bisexual sex. Finally, I did end up a bit abruptly telling him, as best I remember, "I like sucking cock, always have. I really love sucking cock...". He just nodded his head and didn't act shocked or anything.

At least I led the conversation in the right direction so it wasn't completely out of the blue. Once I realized he had no problem with that, and seemed happy with being confided in, I told him a lot more about my sexual preferences. I hadn't felt so good in as long as I could remember after telling him.

Since then, I've gone more along the hint route and leave clues laying around, at least online. I also have things around the house I could bring out to kind of let someone know, assuming they were sharp enough to figure it out.

For instance, I bought a rainbow colored jock strap. If there was someone I might want to test outing myself to, I could always go to my bedroom and pretend I needed something from the drawer the jock strap is in. As I'm rummaging around, I might make sure he sees it. If he acknowledges seeing it, and doesn't get all weird, I'll assume he's cool about homos and bisexuals.

I think adding a link to this page to the signature in your e-mails would be a pretty easy way to drop a hint without abruptly bringing up that while you like girls, you've been interested in guys, too.

It would be a pretty easy conversation for most of us to start, I would think:

Your Friend: "What's with the link at the bottom of the page? Are you a bisexual?"

You: "Oh, bisexual.com? That's been my favorite forum site lately. I stumbled into it while looking for porn sites and got to reading the forums. A lot of really nice people in there and I felt I had a lot in common with most of them.Some really good discussions in there..".

Friend: "But are you bisexual?"

You: "I might well be. I've never had sexual relations with a guy, but I do find myself interested in the idea. Reading some of the other guys in the forums, I feel like I'm reading myself sometimes."

Who knows? They might end up telling you they feel the same way!

[Northerner]

A gay friend of mine just set her "Interested In" line on Facebook to women. Anybody interested enough to look at her info found it. They accommodate bi folk too, you can select both men and women :-)

Think carefully about who might see this, Facebook is notoriously insecure.

[bisocialnudist]

It took me about a year and a half to come out to everybody, I didnt rush, started with the people who would be most supportive. I did change my Facebook profile to interested in both man and women and was a fan of things like the Human rights Campaign, my fellow GLBT travelers pretty much knew I was one of them others it was still too subtle. On National Coming Out day in October I share out a note with "My Story" I also share it with friends who show signs of being GLBT supporters.

I usually wait until it comes up in conversation with some sort of natural lead in. Could be something as simple as friends talking about a celebrity that recently come out. (Chely Wright, Ricky Martin) Its easy to build off their stories and say yea thats why it was so hard for me to come out. To those friends who have known me for years I explain it by saying I didnt feel it was an option to live life as an out of the closet bisexual in th 70s but times have changed.

We constantly run into new people in our day to day lives so coming out becomes a lifelong process but in my opinion its worth every bit of the effort for what it does to self acceptance. Good luck with your journey.

Mark

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I still must be horribly behind the times or something. I dont feel the need for people to know my personal preferences. And would this information hurt someone if it were put on such an insecure site as Facebook, ect? Would your job be in jeopardy, how would older family members react to it? Would the kid who bullied you in school get off on hearing this info?
A kid up here put on his Facebook that he was coming out.... On Facebook, and was promptly pounced on the very next day and beat within an inch of his life by former bullies and classmates....
Lots of things to ponder before putting all of your info out there to the public, sweetie.
Cat

[fredtyg]

I dont feel the need for people to know my personal preferences. And would this information hurt someone if it were put on such an insecure site as Facebook, ect?
Cat

That's a good point that's often been made here: your personal sexual preferences don't need to be everybody's business.

Still, some of us want some folks we know to know and that's the crux of the matter. I'd suggest being discreet.

[rds0108]

That's a good point that's often been made here: your personal sexual preferences don't need to be everybody's business.

Still, some of us want some folks we know to know and that's the crux of the matter. I'd suggest being discreet.

That's where I stand now. There are a few friends I'm thinking of telling, but I don't feel the need to advertise it.

[KevsBi]

I'm with Moutaincat and fred...I've been bisexual since I was a teenager but it's not something that I would advertise to the world no matter how good it would make me feel...personally it would kill me if my friends or family found out.
I enjoy being intimate with another man in the comfort and privacy of my home/hotel room...I guess everyone is different though but personally I like the closet. :bigrin:

[fredtyg]

.I guess everyone is different though but personally I like the closet. :bigrin:

Still, there are some folks, like me, that feel uncomfortable around others that I can't be open to. That's one of the reasons I started my slow process of outing.

That said, I only do it when I think I'll feel most comfortable with the result.

I have mixed feelings about Gay Pride parades. I love seeing people being open about their sexuality, but I don't like the in your face admission about one's sexuality. That should be people's personal business.

[rds0108]

Still, there are some folks, like me, that feel uncomfortable around others that I can't be open to. That's one of the reasons I started my slow process of outing.

That said, I only do it when I think I'll feel most comfortable with the result.

Yeah, that's sort of how I'm thinking of this. A gradual thing with only a few friends in the loop. I don't plan to announce it at work or send an e-mail carpet-bomb to my family.

[fredtyg]

I still must be horribly behind the times or something. I dont feel the need for people to know my personal preferences. And would this information hurt someone if it were put on such an insecure site as Facebook, ect?


True, but there are subtler ways to go about it with Facebook and elsewhere. I really wanted to change my interest to Men on my Facebook page. I'm still really tempted to, but there are some of my Facebook friends I'd really rather not let know right now, if ever.

Truth be told, though, I think a lot more people know I'm bi/queer than I'm aware of.

What I did do, though, was add homo oriented stuff to my Facebook Groups. The one I had most fun with was joining the "I'll bet we can get a million people in support of same- sex marriage" (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?gid=283600686512) group. It has one of those beautiful Pride flags on the front page and it shows up as the group icon on my groups list.

I have an easy out for anyone hostile toward homos that questions me about it since I've long been a somewhat outspoken local advocate for same sex marriage on libertarian grounds. Still, associating myself openly with the Pride flag was something I really got off on.

I even went so far as to make a post on my personal blog about the SSM Facebook group. I included the same Pride flag as an image for the post, simply asking all my blog readers to join the Facebook group (most of my readers support SSM, I believe).

I even included a comment at the end that the Pride flag was my favorite flag, but didn't elaborate. I really got off on that- almost sexually- believe it or not.

I didn't get one question or comment asking if I was homo, which surprised me but, if I had, I could of just said I love the bright colors of the flag (which is true) if I felt the questioner was hostile to homos.

Another homo Facebook group I recently added was the one petitioning Laura Bush to participate in the 2010 Dallas Pride parade (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?gid=111370475572803). Just another way of letting everyone know in a subtle way I'm at the very least queer friendly.

The interesting question is, how many more of these type groups do I add to my Facebook page before it becomes completely obvious to everyone that I'm queer and I can't talk my way out of it?