Jokes and other humor

[Lady_Passion]

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, 'My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!' As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, 'That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?' The guy catches his breath, then says, 'Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!'

[Realist]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him, smiles, and says, "Finely ground Pepper!"

[Lady_Passion]

Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket.

[Hephaestion]

Three nuns stand at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, and Saint Peter turns to them and explains that they must answer a single question each to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Sister Lara steps forward.
"Who was the first man on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Adam," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

Sister Evelyn steps forward and says she is ready.
"Who was the first woman on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Eve," the sister replies. And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

The Mother Superior steps forward and announces that she is ready.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" asks the Saint. The Mother Superior is shocked.

"My goodness," she says, "that's a hard one." And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.

[Lady_Passion]

^ One of my favorites :.)

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, 'That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!'

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as
firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little
tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they
nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came
from the other eye..

She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches..:bigrin:;)

[MarieDelta]

A traveling saleswoman is driving toward home in Arizona when she sees an Indian woman hitchhiking. She stops the car and the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", she asks. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband".
The Indian woman is silent for a while, then nods and says,
"you made a good trade"...


And then there was the traveling saleswoman who needed a room for the night. The farmer had two strapping young sons, and after a while, things started to get -- interesting. "We can all have a good time," she told the lads, handing them a couple of condoms, "but you need to use these. I don't want to get pregnant." And a good time was had by all.

About a week later, the fellows are out tending to their chores, and one says to the other, "Hey, do you really care if that lady gets pregnant?" "Nah," says his brother. "Not really." "Good," says number one son. "Then we can take these things off now?"

[FalconAngel]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazaOWrnJ5o

enjoy the flashback

[Annika L]

I heard this years ago...not one I'm apt to tell in most settings, but since you're on a salesman/woman wave:

A salesman's car breaks down near a farmhouse in a raging storm, and the farmer agrees to let him spend the night.

The farmer introduces the guest to his beautiful wife and fetching 18-yo daughter, and as they all sit down to a wonderful dinner, the farmer explains their family custom. "I need to give you fair warning: we observe silence during dinner, and afterwards, whoever speaks first has to do the dishes. It can actually get quite competitive."

After dinner, the four of them sat looking expectantly at one another. The salesman, deciding to take a chance, approaches the farmer's daughter, and begins kissing her passionately, while the farmer looks on, notably peeved. After a few minutes, perceiving that he can get away with this, he begins ravishing the farmer's daughter...the farmer watching angrily but keeping his mouth firmly shut.

When the salesman finishes with the farmer's daughter, he moves on to the farmer's wife, and again the farmer watches, completely outraged, but bound by his competitiveness to keep quiet.

As the salesman finishes with the farmer's wife, there's a bright flash of lightning, a spike of thunder, and the lights in the farmhouse go out. In the scramble to get candles lit, the salesman burns his hand on the hot wax. Wanting some relief for his hand, and in his panic forgetting the competition, he approaches the farmer, and asks, "do you have any butter?"

The farmer, eyes widening in terror, shouts, "alright already! I'll do the damned dishes!"