shall I tell my wife that i am bisexual?

[CRAZMIN4EVERER]

We have been married for about 16 years. I have always craved for men once in a while. Sometimes I have dreams about having sex with another man.
I really want to tell my wife about my bisexuality, but I am so afraid our relationship will end; especially we have children together ... I do not want our children to know about this either.
Lately, whenever we have intercourse, I like to guide her finger to my anus when I cum. I told her that really turns me on 100%. After that time, she fingers and licks my ass whenever we have sex ..... Can you tell me whether I should tell my wife about my bisexuality or not ... Thanks

[slipnslide]

You know your wife better than we do. How do you think she'll react? Having never gone through this I should probably not say much since I don't know what I'm talking about. There are many here who will offer some great advice and ideas.

I don't think enjoying anal stimulation makes you bi or gay - just means it feels good so you have her do it. I wouldn't focus on that.

[IllinoisGuy]

If you decide to talk to your wife, you might want to do it when you are alone...maybe in the car. This way there is a chance for a dialogue to happen and she might be open to talking. I would really stress to her that you still want to be with her, but there are times that you'd like to experience being with a man. I don't know your situation, but if she is religious, then it could be a problem. If she isn't-you might want to even suggest trying to incorporate another guy into an evening of play and see what she says. She might surprise you and agree.

[Bibearcub]

I came out to my wife just the other day it couldn't have gone better.....well it could have, if my life was a porno....

But honestly I am so glad that I did it, she is too.

We're still figuring things out, and I'm sure we will be for quite awhile, but again it felt really good to open up to her about this side of myself.

That said, I have no idea how your wife will react., but honesty and communication really are as important as people make them out to be, just be sensitive to her side of things too.

[FalconAngel]

You know your wife better than we do. How do you think she'll react? Having never gone through this I should probably not say much since I don't know what I'm talking about. There are many here who will offer some great advice and ideas.

Actually, that is a pretty sound stance to take.

He does know how his wife feels about it, or at least he can broach the subject to her to see how she would feel about it and then carry on from there.

[FalconAngel]

I came out to my wife just the other day it couldn't have gone better.....well it could have, if my life was a porno....

But honestly I am so glad that I did it, she is too.

We're still figuring things out, and I'm sure we will be for quite awhile, but again it felt really good to open up to her about this side of myself.

That said, I have no idea how your wife will react., but honesty and communication really are as important as people make them out to be, just be sensitive to her side of things too.

This is a good site for helping both of you in figuring things out. We have a few folks here who are mixed orientation couples and singles who are trying to find a way to, or have already, "safely" come out to their spouses.

Good luck to all of our members in that situation.

[altbinary]

We have been married for about 16 years. I have always craved for men once in a while. Sometimes I have dreams about having sex with another man.
I really want to tell my wife about my bisexuality, but I am so afraid our relationship will end; especially we have children together ... I do not want our children to know about this either.
Lately, whenever we have intercourse, I like to guide her finger to my anus when I cum. I told her that really turns me on 100%. After that time, she fingers and licks my ass whenever we have sex ..... Can you tell me whether I should tell my wife about my bisexuality or not ... Thanks

Ask her if she has the fantasy of the wife watching the husband with another guy. After she chews on that for a few days, she might decide it is just the thing to spice up your sex life.

[Nadir]

Well,from my point of view, trust and intimacy comes first in a relationship,especially if you and your partner are married and have children together. I think you should tell your wife, because maybe she can find out it on her own and then feel betrayed about not being told about it before. As many people have pointed out before, maybe she will be accepting and she will be want to form part of it as well. It all depends on if your wife is very conservative and/or religious,tolerant of LGBT peope,etc. I think you should drop it off on a conversation as a minor topic (for example,talk about a friend,male or female, who is married and then realized he had a same-sex attraction for people of his/her sex). Watch her reaction,and then ask her what would she do if her spouse (you) would come out as bisexual. From then on,if her reaction is positive or neutral (if she says : "I wouldn´t mind" or "I would still love him because he is the same person as he was before telling me") then it should be safe to tell her. On the opposite,if her reaction is negative (she feels disgust or she says she would not be able to be with a person that is same-sex attracted) then you better tell her that you were kidding. Give her a peck on the cheek and tell her you love her.

[CRAZMIN4EVERER]

Thank you for your advice. I think it's safe to try this way.


Well,from my point of view, trust and intimacy comes first in a relationship,especially if you and your partner are married and have children together. I think you should tell your wife, because maybe she can find out it on her own and then feel betrayed about not being told about it before. As many people have pointed out before, maybe she will be accepting and she will be want to form part of it as well. It all depends on if your wife is very conservative and/or religious,tolerant of LGBT peope,etc. I think you should drop it off on a conversation as a minor topic (for example,talk about a friend,male or female, who is married and then realized he had a same-sex attraction for people of his/her sex). Watch her reaction,and then ask her what would she do if her spouse (you) would come out as bisexual. From then on,if her reaction is positive or neutral (if she says : "I wouldn´t mind" or "I would still love him because he is the same person as he was before telling me") then it should be safe to tell her. On the opposite,if her reaction is negative (she feels disgust or she says she would not be able to be with a person that is same-sex attracted) then you better tell her that you were kidding. Give her a peck on the cheek and tell her you love her.

[bikiniman]

No one can tell you whether or not should you should tell your wife. However if she is prepared to finger and lick your ass it suggests that she is possibly open minded.

I have been married 16 years ago and told my wife only one year ago. My wife's reaction was to ask me "what does that mean?".

I would suggest that you start but telling her that you sometimes have dreams about having sex with another man rather than making a big deal about and announcing that you are bisexual. This will probably only make her scared and confused. Take it slow and be as open and honest as you can.

Good luck

[mooon]

No one can tell you whether or not should you should tell your wife. However if she is prepared to finger and lick your ass it suggests that she is possibly open minded.
...

I would suggest that you start but telling her that you sometimes have dreams about having sex with another man rather than making a big deal about and announcing that you are bisexual. This will probably only make her scared and confused. Take it slow and be as open and honest as you can.


Good advice.
I did a lot of that before coming out to my wife. Role play with toys, etc. too.
It is true that enjoying anal play does not mean you are bi or gay.
By the time I told her I had to have a man I think she could understand how I might need it. Good communication really helps that. Let her inside your head, slowly.
Four years in, I now have my special buddies, and my wife takes it in stride.
YMMV

[CRAZMIN4EVERER]

Thank you for your good advice. I do dream about having sex with men. Some one whom I never see in my life. I need to tell her slowly.



No one can tell you whether or not should you should tell your wife. However if she is prepared to finger and lick your ass it suggests that she is possibly open minded.

I have been married 16 years ago and told my wife only one year ago. My wife's reaction was to ask me "what does that mean?".

I would suggest that you start but telling her that you sometimes have dreams about having sex with another man rather than making a big deal about and announcing that you are bisexual. This will probably only make her scared and confused. Take it slow and be as open and honest as you can.

Good luck

[mikey3000]

Well,from my point of view, trust and intimacy comes first in a relationship,especially if you and your partner are married and have children together. I think you should tell your wife, because maybe she can find out it on her own and then feel betrayed about not being told about it before. As many people have pointed out before, maybe she will be accepting and she will be want to form part of it as well. It all depends on if your wife is very conservative and/or religious,tolerant of LGBT peope,etc. I think you should drop it off on a conversation as a minor topic (for example,talk about a friend,male or female, who is married and then realized he had a same-sex attraction for people of his/her sex). Watch her reaction,and then ask her what would she do if her spouse (you) would come out as bisexual. From then on,if her reaction is positive or neutral (if she says : "I wouldn´t mind" or "I would still love him because he is the same person as he was before telling me") then it should be safe to tell her. On the opposite,if her reaction is negative (she feels disgust or she says she would not be able to be with a person that is same-sex attracted) then you better tell her that you were kidding. Give her a peck on the cheek and tell her you love her.

Then what? Just pretend his feelings didn't happen? Very tricky situation. In that situation, when would be the right time to tell his wife the truth then?

[NakedInSeattle]

I could expound philisophically for hours on the subject but the bottom line is just a plain and simple....YES! Tell her. If it adversely affects your relationship, then you can move on. If she is ok with it, you'll have a happy life and relationship. Either way, it's better than the fear, anxiety, and sneaking around.
I took the risk and it paid off.
Good luck.

[Nadir]

Don´t get me wrong,I dont want to pretend that this scenario has not possible risks because even if she initially has a positive reaction is it still possible for her to feel betrayed and useless if he tells her about his sexual orientation. I was just telling him of a rational way of approaching the issue without arising suspision on her part. I wouldn´t like him to pretend that his feelings didn´t happen, and as you point out mikey3000, it is better as an slow process,however, there is still going to be one moment that will mark a "before" and "after" in their marriage and their relationship,and that is going to be when he comes out to her. As NakedInSeattle posted before,it might be worth it, even if in the end the outcome is worse than previously thought. He needs to be sincere with her, and I imagined the whole scenario that I previously posted for the OP as a situation that would took place as a minor topic in conversation while in a neutral situation (while out shopping, while drinking a pint of beer with his wife,while driving home,I dunno...). Does the OP poster wife has LGTB friends,relatives...? How does she talk about that particular group? There is a lot of variables we don´t know, and each person is a universe on their own.

[bicurcple]

You know your wife better than we do. How do you think she'll react?

We agree completely, you know your wife better than anyone on here. After years of marriage you should have some idea of how she will react. My wife and I have yet to have any experience but she knows how I feel and the thought turns her on very much and I came to learn she has the same interest with another woman. We have played out many fantasies through the use of toys,imagination and being very verble and our sex life has been awesome ever since. Nobody can tell you what to do, they can only share their own experiences, but hiding it and keeping it bottled up can not be healthy. We wish you the best of luck and if you decide to approach the subject we hope you will post the result.

[lovebimarriedman]

if you think telling your wife about your bisexuality would harm your relationship ... then do not tell her .... She does not have to know .... as long as you still love her and take care of your family good ... that is a plus.

[si-69]

Having come out fully to my wife about 8 weeks ago after she found evidence of me cheating on her with M2M liasons, I can only recommend that you come out to her - the resulting closeness, openess and love that we feel for each other since is wonderful. Her willingness to accept me for what I am has humbled me. Our sex-life was always good but got hugely better.

Being married and living a lie, or as I was for periods, living a secret life, is not good for any partnership which must be based on openness and truth.

We are still working things out but if your wife can be accepting then the second stage of your marriage can begin.

I suggest that you, and her, sign up to some of the forums out there such as HUGs, MMOMW, Alternate Path (for the straight female spouse) etc. But I would avoid SSN (Stright spouse network) - some very biased people on that one.

Good luck - you owe it to you both,
Simon

[CRAZMIN4EVERER]

I am so surprised when my wife said " I would never let you go with another man or woman". I just pretended that I did not hear any thing. What should I do now? Please advice!



Having come out fully to my wife about 8 weeks ago after she found evidence of me cheating on her with M2M liasons, I can only recommend that you come out to her - the resulting closeness, openess and love that we feel for each other since is wonderful. Her willingness to accept me for what I am has humbled me. Our sex-life was always good but got hugely better.

Being married and living a lie, or as I was for periods, living a secret life, is not good for any partnership which must be based on openness and truth.

We are still working things out but if your wife can be accepting then the second stage of your marriage can begin.

I suggest that you, and her, sign up to some of the forums out there such as HUGs, MMOMW, Alternate Path (for the straight female spouse) etc. But I would avoid SSN (Stright spouse network) - some very biased people on that one.

Good luck - you owe it to you both,
Simon

[IllinoisGuy]

If she is saying that now, then the best thing to do is explain to her that you are not looking to leave her, but that there are times that you would like to be with another man for a couple of hours. If she says no, then you leave yourself with 2 options. The first would be to say "ok..." and leave your feelings bottled up maybe forever and not be happy. The second would be to get together with a guy on the guise of "hanging out", but you get together for more than that. Of course, then it falls under the category of cheating and if you are comfortable with that, then great. If not, then leave your feelings bottled up and go from there.

[mooon]

If she is saying that now, then the best thing to do is explain to her that you are not looking to leave her, but that there are times that you would like to be with another man for a couple of hours. If she says no, then you leave yourself with 2 options. The first would be to say "ok..." and leave your feelings bottled up maybe forever and not be happy. The second would be to get together with a guy on the guise of "hanging out", but you get together for more than that. Of course, then it falls under the category of cheating and if you are comfortable with that, then great. If not, then leave your feelings bottled up and go from there.


The third option:
Say "OK", but keep the communications open. Drop the occasional hint, and suggest some role play.
Oftentimes, what started as a "no way" reaction will soften, as the wife learns how much her man wants/needs M2M contact, and that that does not have to be a threat.
Patience can do wonders.

Just my experience.

[indenver_indenver]

Here is how I found my wife who not only accepts but is turned on by my bisexuality. When we were dating the subject of homosexuality came up because of something in the news. I took it as my chance to tell my girlfriend of my bi side.

I said to her that men who bash gays are often hiding the fact that they had boy-boy experiences when they were young and they don't want people to ever suspect what they are hiding. Boy-boy sex is natural exploration. Most all boys have done it.

Then she said, "Did you?" I said, "Well yes. Most every boy I knew did it at one time or other."

Now here is the critical point! If my girlfriend thought it was disgusting or immoral, I would have dropped it and changed the subject. But my girlfriend started asking for details. "Did a boy suck your cock? Did you suck his? Did he cum in your mouth?" Then I knew she was ok with it. In fact, it turned her on! Then when she asked, "Did he push you to your knees?" I knew I had winner.

We have been married 16 years now and we had a very nice guy visit us Tuesday morning for me to suck off. He's been my regular for a year now and it is so hot!

So for all you know, your wife has fantasies about your sucking a nice cock. So good luck.