I told my wife, she didn't freak out, now how do I get her to let me suck a cock?

[Bibearcub]

The title sums it up, I told my wife that I'm Bi last night, she took it really well.

So now how do I go from her being "OK" w/ my fantasies to her letting me actually act them out.

I'm patient, but I really want to have sex w/ a dude/dudes, what's my next move?

[slipnslide]

I don't know how others feel but maybe she wants you to be faithful to her. What about bringing it up to her honestly? How do you think she'd react to, "listen, so you know I'm bi, but there's a problem. I have desires to act on it, but I don't want to be unfaithful and hurt you. It's very confusing and upsetting and you're the only one I can talk to about this. . .". Then see where she leads the conversation. You'll know quickly I'm sure.

Before you have that discussion though, flip the roles. How would you react if she told you that she really needs to have sex with someone other than you? If it was me, it would be hurtful, but maybe you two are in a completely different space than I am. We all have wants and desires, but that doesn't mean we can willfully act on all of them. Sometimes they just have to take a backseat to keep everything else harmonious. I'm not saying to deny that you're bi, but accept that it might mean that you have the desires, but only have sex with your wife.

[Bibearcub]

^ I'm a little confused by your post, I did bring it up honestly, now it's a matter of patience and logistics, and finding out just how far she will let me go.

I'm looking for advice on how to go from being open to getting laid.

[rissababynta]

You can't MAKE her feel comfortable with the idea of you being with another person...so, sorry...you can't snap your fingers and have her suddenly want you to go out and find a guy.

All you can do is talk to her, let her know how you feel, and see if she's ok with it.

[Realist]

I agree, take it easy. I can tell you from experience that it'll be best if you don't rush things and think carefully, before you speak. It may take longer than you'd like for her to come around, IF she will. But, it's probably not gonna happen if you push her to make a quick decision.

[Bibearcub]

No rush, just looking for tips to help get from understanding to active.

[slipnslide]

I guess the short version of my message is that being bisexual doesn't mean that your partner has to permit infidelity. You're going to have to accept the fact that maybe she won't want to have a husband who is potentially introducing her to unwanted risks at this point. There's no such thing as 100% safe sex.

[Bibearcub]

OK.....but if it's happening in the open it's not really infidelity.

Perhaps I've worded things poorly, but I'm a little surprised by the responses so far.

[terri]

from my own experience i can tell you that talking with your spouse and more importantly listening is the key. and one other thing you might want to ask yourself is, how will i feel when she tells me that she has a boyfriend too.

[slipnslide]

What kind of responses were you expecting?

Remember, you've just told her that you're not 100% who she thought you were. That's not that crazy though, who is ever 100% honest about everything with their partner? She likely appreciates the honesty on some level.

However, this next step could be disastrous. You've fessed up to who you are, but now you're looking for a way to tell her something that she may very well interpret as you don't find her at all sexually satisfying and she'll never be able to make you happy in the bedroom. This could be irreparably damaging. In my mind this comes down to: which is more important to you at this point in your life, your marriage and your wife, or blowing a stranger?

I likened this to someone else as like being at a party and seeing a hot girl there and getting upset at your wife because she won't let you have sex with her.

There is likely someone else here with a very different opinion than mine, but I can't see this not hurting your wife.

[biguy3113]

I have been down this road, I told my wife of 6 years that i was bi last year, it took her a couple weeks but she came out okay, as long as I did not cheat. I do very much want to be with another man, and preferably one she was attracted ti so we all could have fun. We have not yet crossed this path but she seems to be open to the idea more and more everyday. Do not rush this it is a excerise that takes time to build.

[FalconAngel]

^ I'm a little confused by your post, I did bring it up honestly, now it's a matter of patience and logistics, and finding out just how far she will let me go.

I'm looking for advice on how to go from being open to getting laid.

First and foremost, you have taken the first step. Don't stop now, you need to keep talking to her and working out how you are going to deal with your bisexuality together.

You need to discuss with her, how she feels about letting it happen and work out the details. After that, you need to find the person to play with.

[julbug]

The question you really need to ask yourself is do you want to lose her. Be sensitive to the fact that you have told her a lie by omission throughout your married life. To tell her on top of it that you want to be with a guy right away, could make her feel hurt and betrayed. Women have a different way of relating to sex than men do. I know I have to have a mutual relationship of respect and love before I can even think about having sex, I would think most women feel the same. So don't be suprised if she is dead set against you having a fling. Of course you could do it behind her back, but that would just be another lie and a breaking of your marriage vows. So which is more important, your wife and marriage, or some guys dick?
Now you could get her to be more adventuresome in bed and try things that would be satisfying to you. And gradually bring in the idea of a threesome or letting you find a man on your own. Please don't expect her to automatically be ok with you being with a man just because she is ok with you being bi.
Sorry you are not getting the responses you obviously want to hear, but at least we are being honest.

[mikey3000]

Ok. I'll help. Firstly, everyone is assuming that she woun't let you play. Not necessarily. Start with some dirty talk in the bedroom and see how she reacts to that, you know, fantasize with you and another guy. If she likes, then maybe bring home some soft gay porn and see how that goes. Work your way up slowly. You'd be amazed at how many women are highly aroused by man on man sex.

I've just been where you are. It took about a year for her to warm to the idea, but I have a boyfriend now too, and she just loves him!!! They chat all the time and he respects her totally. It can and does happen all the time.

Good luck.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Instead of being in such an all-fired hurry to get laid, try the best form of logic in the world: Communication and Patiance. Ok, so you brought the idea up to her and she's probably still in stunned shock. Go slow, go easy, and build up to asking her if she'd:

1. Like to see you with another man. Get her thoughts and opinions on this.
2. If she'd like to join in and choreograph the action, directing is Hot!
3. If she'd first of all like to go sit somewhere with you and scope out guys. I'd personally go for #3 first.


Its fun, its exciting, and it Might get her to thinking about it. Above all, dont seem so gung-ho and over eager. Thats the quickest way in the world to get a woman to setting her heels in and getting you nowhere.
Give it a try. :} Good luck.
Cat

[mikey3000]

Yes, #3 is great. When ever we go to the mall my wife is always scoping out guys for me. Crazy. I'm the one that chickens out. The only think she doesn't like about my BF is that she thinks he's too old for me (early 50's) and thinks I should find someone younger and closer. LOL!!! She is the one who ecourages me to play the field, yet I want to make her undersand that I don't want to. I'm happy with just my one guy. Go figure. I think I created a monster.

[Bibearcub]

What kind of responses were you expecting?



Well I figure some folks come into a relationship fully aware and open about their sexuality, awesome. Still I figured that there have got to be quite a few people like me that were very confused if not ashamed at their homosexual thoughts, and that these people then had to get their shit together and either fess up or stay closeted to their partners.....and of those folks that came clean to their partners, some percentage of these people probably ended actually fulfilling some fantasies. I figured some of those people might be around and able to give some advice.

Right?

I love my wife enough to be honest w/ her and not cheat, still I can't deny who I am and what I'd really like to experience sexually.

I'm not expecting anything to happen to quickly, I'm just trying to figure out how to do it right, and yeah I'm kinda eager, but WTF who wouldn't be.


I have been down this road, I told my wife of 6 years that i was bi last year, it took her a couple weeks but she came out okay, as long as I did not cheat.
We're in similar situations, 5 years married, one clear rule No Cheating (I wouldn't anyhow)


We have not yet crossed this path but she seems to be open to the idea more and more everyday.

Examples?


First and foremost, you have taken the first step. Don't stop now, you need to keep talking to her and working out how you are going to deal with your bisexuality together.

You need to discuss with her, how she feels about letting it happen and work out the details. After that, you need to find the person to play with.

Thanks, I figured I'd let her digest a day or two before trying to talk about it again....she already made a joke, when coming out I told her how I'd been lying to not only her, but also myself about my feelings (denial's a bitch)...well the "Rent Boy" thing was on the Daily Show and she said, "Now That! is a guy who is lying to himself, you're fine baby"

But yeah, I kinda knew that there would be many more discussions involved before anything sexual happens.


The question you really need to ask yourself is do you want to lose her. Be sensitive to the fact that you have told her a lie by omission throughout your married life. To tell her on top of it that you want to be with a guy right away, could make her feel hurt and betrayed. Women have a different way of relating to sex than men do. I know I have to have a mutual relationship of respect and love before I can even think about having sex, I would think most women feel the same. So don't be suprised if she is dead set against you having a fling. Of course you could do it behind her back, but that would just be another lie and a breaking of your marriage vows. So which is more important, your wife and marriage, or some guys dick?
Now you could get her to be more adventuresome in bed and try things that would be satisfying to you. And gradually bring in the idea of a threesome or letting you find a man on your own. Please don't expect her to automatically be ok with you being with a man just because she is ok with you being bi.
Sorry you are not getting the responses you obviously want to hear, but at least we are being honest.

I'm all about honesty, like when I told my wife that I really wanted to have sex w/ a man.

The thought of burying my feeling forever or until I acted out, seemed to be the best recipe to lose her and myself. I'm doing my best to be honest to both of us.


Ok. I'll help. Firstly, everyone is assuming that she woun't let you play. Not necessarily. Start with some dirty talk in the bedroom and see how she reacts to that, you know, fantasize with you and another guy. If she likes, then maybe bring home some soft gay porn and see how that goes. Work your way up slowly. You'd be amazed at how many women are highly aroused by man on man sex.

I've just been where you are. It took about a year for her to warm to the idea, but I have a boyfriend now too, and she just loves him!!! They chat all the time and he respects her totally. It can and does happen all the time.

Good luck.

Thanks, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous, but I am very patient and hopeful.


lol Instead of being in such an all-fired hurry to get laid, try the best form of logic in the world: Communication and Patiance. Ok, so you brought the idea up to her and she's probably still in stunned shock. Go slow, go easy, and build up to asking her if she'd:

1. Like to see you with another man. Get her thoughts and opinions on this.
2. If she'd like to join in and choreograph the action, directing is Hot!
3. If she'd first of all like to go sit somewhere with you and scope out guys. I'd personally go for #3 first.


Its fun, its exciting, and it Might get her to thinking about it. Above all, dont seem so gung-ho and over eager. Thats the quickest way in the world to get a woman to setting her heels in and getting you nowhere.
Give it a try. :} Good luck.
Cat

Believe me w/ her and this subject I'm much less gung-ho in person, and thank you, that's the sort of advice I'm looking for.
Tangible and tested ideas to help further our communication w/ a pretty obvious and carnal goal that can be reached if and when we get there.

[mrscurious]

I have to agree that you need to take it slow. When my hubby told me about 6 months ago, I was very scared. He told me he had joined this site and I immediately joined too. As I am sure you have figured out, not everyone on here is the "bi" partner. When I first joined I wanted to know what it was all about. I began searching for bi-porn so I could see for myself how I would feel. Above all what has helped is communication between us.

I went from being terrified, to searching for a "friend" for him. It become my journey more then his. I have found a couple great men here and chatted with lots more.

Talk to her and find out what her "type" is and help her see what yours is. Once down that road and things can be visualized start adding mr right into your imagination. Have her close her eyes and pretend it's his hands on her. Change things up a little. Try different positions during this journey. You may be surprised how excited she becomes about the thought of having another man in the bedroom. ABOVE ALL don't be pushy. The more pressure she feels the more she will pull back and resist.

You have a wonderful partner. Be happy that she did not pack and leave. If all that comes of it is porn and toy play please don't let her know you are disappointed in anyway. When the 2 of you took your vows and exchanged rings you both promised to be faithful to each other. The fact that you are lusting for a man does not change the fact that it's still infidelity.

All that being said, I would suggest inviting her to join us here on the site. If she is comfortable in the chat room it is a great way to talk to others who have been been where you 2 are and felt what she feels at this moment.

Hope I have helped in some way.

Feel free to contact me personally if you would like or have her.

:three: mrscurious

[JP1986UM]

Ok I had an idea, just bend her over the kitchen table and have sex with her until she gives up. It didn't work in my case, the wife just excused herself, went to shower and came back with toys.

(Ok, someone has to be laughing at that.)

Ok, seriously, what you need to face is the reality that what you need is TIME.

Time to let her digest it.

Time to talk about it.

Time to let her absorb the real you.

There is a rule in medicine diagnostics:

Cancer takes time to develop, so does healing in many cases.

Choose your poison.

[jamieknyc]

Your wife may or may not be willing to let you experiment with it. That is between you and her. Don't be put off (or surprised) by the responses you get here. Bi and gay people can be every bit as narrow and judgmental as anyone else.

[sensualriot]

First of all, congratulations on having the courage and self-love to openly express yourself, to know your needs and to claim them. That was a huge step and really shows the love and communication present in your relationship. I am divorced in due in part to my own inability to accomplish what you have done.

The only ones who can define your relationship are the two of you and that requires communication and negotiation.

There has been a lot of negativity and fear expressed in this thread, projecting how your wife will respond, but who's to say your wife doesn't have similar or even different unmet needs and desires that she wants to express, but is afraid to because of how she thinks you may react?

Do you want a threesome or an encounter or a boyfriend? Are you enjoying the idea that your wife accepts you as you are? Have you celebrated it? In terms of opening conversation you could subscribe to Penthouse Variations and read it together. What are her fantasies? If you are fulfilling her cravings she is more likely to indulge yours. Her cravings may not even be sexual, may be financial or involve self-expression. You could buy her a strap on and explore anal sex together. Seeing you enjoying playing with a fake penis, might make her want to see you with the real thing.

Continue to express yourself lovingly and openly, show your very real interest in her desires, be the partner you would like her to be and I'm sure everything will develop in perfect order.

Best to you both.

[Bibearcub]

^ Cheers.

As far as the scenarios go, I've really imagined just about all of them, but never from the point of view that any of them were a real possibility.....kinda makes my head spin.

[NEPHX]

I have been down this road, I told my wife of 6 years that i was bi last year, it took her a couple weeks but she came out okay, as long as I did not cheat. I do very much want to be with another man, and preferably one she was attracted ti so we all could have fun. We have not yet crossed this path but she seems to be open to the idea more and more everyday. Do not rush this it is a excerise that takes time to build.

Good advice....

In addition, her feelings will likely fluctuate as time goes by and things develop (even biguy3113's after a year). The more open both people are, the more comfortable they are likely to become. Doing such things together is a real good plan for many people and can grow that trust exponentially but it will change the relationship as it transpires.

In these situations you are really doing/processing two things/issues at once and both are HUGE:

1. Opening the relationship to a 3rd party either together or alone (and the excitement and worries both people will have)

2. Developing one/both people's feelings about one/both people being bisexual.

Depending on the people, the outcome it can be incredible or horrible or fluctuate between the two over a period of time. The first experience could be great or horrible depending on the other person. A bad fit, someone who isn't good with 2 other people, one of the two in the couple could not be good with a 3rd, unfortunate timing (someone can be down and not as into it when it happens). But, the next time it might be better...

biguy3113 has been with his wife 6 years when he came out with it... bibearcub doesn't say how long together or age group. All very important. If you've been married 30-years to a say Catholic women that goes to church each Sunday making sure to wear a hat, you're going to have a much bigger row to hoe "generationally" as well as you've so established a traditional marriage over 30-years...

But patience is a key!

[polesrus]

Okay, you told her and she didn't freak....I came out to my wife nine years ago as being bi, she accepted it, had lots of questions and loves to talk about it while we have sex. To date, she has agreed four times to let me play, which I have done...She asks for all the details, which I provide...First time she agreed to playtime was three years ago and about every six months she recommends I play....It is our life together and I must respect her, she is my primary partner and nothing happens unless she agrees, simple as that...

[NEPHX]

Be sensitive to the fact that you have told her a lie by omission throughout your married life.

NO...not necessarily true. I think julbug that you make a huge assumption here and generalization. That's a very common stereotype.

While I'm sure this may be the case for many, MANY people develop their sexual identities and desire at different times in their lives and some much later in life when they actually realize they have the capacity and desires for same-sex attractions or at some point in their life, they can come to terms with it for themselves.

I hear people all too often declare that those coming out had been lying all their lives. Many older than 30 (some even teens today depending on where they live) can not accept for themselves or be allowed by their environment to even consider they might be anything but straight. I think this is especially true with people that identify as bisexual later on. They are often very sexually satisfied with opposite sex partners. Something might trigger their interest in same-sex relationships/desires/attraction later in life. First, they must come out to themselves. That is often a huge step (some can't do it). Then, to actually speak the words to someone you're married with.... its often a rough road.

So, the blanket statement that bisexual people who are not out or don't come out until later in life have been lying is simply not fair.

[altbinary]

She might be wondering how to ask you to let her watch you suck cock. Hell, she probably has some guy in mind.

[julbug]

NO...not necessarily true. I think julbug that you make a huge assumption here and generalization. That's a very common stereotype.

While I'm sure this may be the case for many, MANY people develop their sexual identities and desire at different times in their lives and some much later in life when they actually realize they have the capacity and desires for same-sex attractions or at some point in their life, they can come to terms with it for themselves.

I hear people all too often declare that those coming out had been lying all their lives. Many older than 30 (some even teens today depending on where they live) can not accept for themselves or be allowed by their environment to even consider they might be anything but straight. I think this is especially true with people that identify as bisexual later on. They are often very sexually satisfied with opposite sex partners. Something might trigger their interest in same-sex relationships/desires/attraction later in life. First, they must come out to themselves. That is often a huge step (some can't do it). Then, to actually speak the words to someone you're married with.... its often a rough road.

So, the blanket statement that bisexual people who are not out or don't come out until later in life have been lying is simply not fair.

Your right and I apologize. I shouldn't make generalizations without knowing his full story. But isn't it also unfair for him to be jumping the gun and trying to get her to be ok with him being with a man? He made a decision to be in a committed relationship whether he knew at the time he was bi or not. How would he feel if she turned around one day and decided to have an affair? My husband and I are trying a variety of ways to satisfy his urges without him going outside our marriage or bringing someone else into it. And while these are thoughts based on my own personal experiences, and all relationships are different, it seems that sometimes people expect the wives to agree to anything their man wants just because they are now coming out and beleive should have the chance to experiment. If thats true that should give me the right to do whatever I want in my marriage regardless of the vows I took.

[Samantha Sabrina]

Congrats, you have taken the first step!

Now give her some space and let her digest it all.

The best thing you can do is pay MORE attention to her than usual, and reinforce and reassure her that she is and always will be first, and will always come before anyone and anything, even your own desires.

Give her a couple of weeks and see if she mentions it on her own, if not then find a way to GENTLY restart the conversation on the subject again, maybe give her some subtle hints that you want to discuss the matter in more detail, (feel her out).

You have been married for 5 years, you should know how to aproach her on different subjects, when is the best time to approach her and so on.

NEVER get pushy with her about it, try and let it happen as naturally as possible, but if it does not happen after a few weeks then give it a gentle nudge.

It is pretty hard for someone on the outside that does not know you and your wife to give you advice on how to handle something like this, everyone acts and reacts differently.

I got the surprise of my life when I told my wife I am a TG, I did not expect her to leave me over it, (but I was prepared for it), but I certainly did not expect her to embrace it the way she has.

I have not come out and told her I am Bi yet, but I honestly think she knows, it has been 3 years now since I came out about the TG thing, and from time to time she will either ask a question or make a remark or suggestion that indicates she knows and is hinting that perhaps I need a night out kinda thing.

You have taken the first step, now bide your time and take it slow, give her some space and let her work thru it, you never know how it will turn out, smiles.

Hugggggggggs

Samantha

[Bibearcub]

Thanks for all the replies.

In retrospect I could have worded the title much more delicately, and trust me I'm taking baby steps.

I am prepared for her to not allow any extra play, but at this point I'm optimistic that at some point I might be able to experiment in some way w/ another man.

[sparkster86]

I likened this to someone else as like being at a party and seeing a hot girl there and getting upset at your wife because she won't let you have sex with her.

To me, it isn't the same. For example, my wife is ok with my bisexuality and also with me acting on it, at least to some extent. I am ok with her bisexuality as well (actually i encouraged it) and very much enjoy her being with another woman. But we aren't as comfortable with the other sleeping with a member of the opposite sex.

We accept each others bisexualities simply because we have desires that we can't fulfill for each other. We also understand that it isn't about the lack of attraction to each other, but rather an additional attraction to members of the same gender.

Well that's my :2cents: hope it made sense

[Bibearcub]

it isn't about the lack of attraction to each other, but rather an additional attraction to members of the same gender.


My wife is straight, but this sums it up for me pretty well.