Water Melons and Two Fingers

[darkeyes]

Something Duckie said in another thread about water melons and two fingers has prompted this thread.. not sure its a good idea but there ya r... gimme the fingies ne time...:bigrin:

Personally I have never had the slightest interest in bringing a child into the world. It would be nice to say that it was an unselfish thought because its a nasty old world and its overpopulated and that it was an altruistic thing. But it isn't.. it has always been that I did not want my own child because I never felt that within me lay the maternal instinct and did not want the responsibility of having a child and the interference in my life that it would entail, but more importantly it scares the hell out of me. Pregnancy anyway and all that goes with it.. when I saw Kate go through childbirth it reinforced my fears.

Yet I find it is being discussed as I said in another thread.. and it is now being discussed more seriously than before and I am much less dismissive of it. The fears of pain and pregnancy remain. I doubt that will change no matter what. However I know now that the maternal instinct does exist within me after all, and that I love the responsibility, fun and hard work of raising children. Raising two children does interfere with my life yet have found that I don't mind that very much, because there are invariably ways of managing that without adversely affecting the children.

There is another reason, one which Kate would never raise with me but my sister told me of.. and that is being left without a part of me. And that shocked me quite a lot.. I am young healthy and have no intentions of leaving her alone..but..

.. a few years ago I had breast cancer. This was dealt with very successfully, but it may always recur and I may not be quite so lucky next time. I have a part of her in my life.. two parts in fact.. and they are a joy. Should anything happen to her I have the comfort of having those two wonderful little people still in my life. And I do find that a comfort, one which has made me re-evaluate my own decision never to have a child.

I havent decided yet... fear is incredibly strong, as is vanity.. looking like a beached whale has never appealed.. but it is seriously being discussed.. what's more our older child overheard a conversation Kate and I had and she is up and down and determined mummy Fran is going to produce for her a long desired little brother.. Hmmmmmm... not sure about a male in the house.. I refuse to say what my mother's attitude is on grounds it may end up in her and me falling out..again..

I'm not asking advice particularly.. and am certainly not after volunteer donors, and the natural way of conception is out!!!! But I care for my partner and I am responsive to her cares and concerns.. and the kids.. we will work it out, and if we decide to go ahead all I can say is.. poor lil brat!!!

[TwylaTwobits]

You already know my thoughts on this, Fran. Major hugs for all you've been through and as you contemplate this decision. It's not one to be made lightly or while full of cognac, though I can guess a few began with alcohol lots of times :)

[Lady_Passion]

I wanted to have 10 kids when I was 14. After having my two sons, and despite losing three babies before and between them, I would have as many children as I could if it were affordable. Had a hysterectomy at 29 so that isn't possible, but I would if I could :.)

The physical sacrifices far, FAR outweigh any inconvenience due to being pregnant or raising them :.) They are such a connected part of me that I still know when something isn't right even if we haven't talked for a few weeks. I'll call, we talk and they spill their guts. I love that they still somewhat think I'm magic that way *lol* My sons make up the only realm in my world where I am 100% confident, which in turn I fall back on when other things in life appear shaky. Having them brought balance to my life and it still works that way for me.

Practically speaking, to minimize pain and 'looking like you've had a child', regular weight resistant activities for a couple of years combined with a very healthy diet prior to conception will lend the most elasticity possible to skin. This minimizes and can even prevent stretch marks altogether. Being in the best physical condition possible also makes labor easier and faster, and the pain is much less. It is nutritional deficiencies which cause most of our problems.

As for vanity, we all have egos and a bit of vanity. That's partly what keeps us moving ahead when it doesn't hold us back :.) Societies bestow upon most of us the need to fit in acceptably. How we define that personally is entirely up to each individual.

My own vanity compelled me to stay in good physical condition after pregnancies and I'm proud of my efforts. There is nothing wrong with working hard toward any constructive goal, achieving that and finding it important enough to maintain. Particularly when it helps you have a better life. Must take care of number 1 - YOU, so you can best care for THEM.

Size? *lol* I was HUUUUGE! I really did look like I had a watermelon stuffed beneath my clothes. 117lbs just prior to conceiving my older son, and gained full term weight three times up to 179lbs. I was young, very active and in good physical condition so I went back to the way I was before pregnancy within a year. I only had tiniest of stretch marks between my thighs where my pelvis had spread, and they are still barely noticeable, thankfully. With Bryan, same weight gain and almost the same end recovery. I did gain a few more permanent pounds, but having been too thin before, I looked better for that.

A very wise doctor shared with me something I will never forget: "A pregnancy takes nine months to change your body. A body should be given at least that much time to recover."

To be entirely honest though, what I learned about the effects of being in good physical condition before having a baby came many years later. I was fortunate to have already been active and because I was such a sickly child, always making efforts to be as healthy as possible. Thay paid off in every way.

There is also nothing wrong with people simply not wanting to have children. My sons don't and I encourage that for the same reasons you mentioned. This is an ugly, ugly world to raise a child in, or to encourage them to raise children in. I don't at all subscribe to the notion that my sons must have children just because. They love babies and children and are rather good with them, but neither plans to have children any time soon if ever. I support them wholeheartedly.

[darkeyes]

They love babies and children and are rather good with them, but neither plans to have children any time soon if ever. I support them wholeheartedly.

Might have to introduce u to me mum.. ever since I can remember she has wanted me to produce grandchildren.. and I have been such a disappointment on that score.. she loves my partners kids to bits and they are her grandchildren as much as any I will ever birth, but she has always had this bee in her bonnet about me having kids.. my sister is older and has never had the same pressure put on her..

.. but Kate and I are agreed on one thing.. if I decide to go ahead..and that is a huge if even now.. it has to be for the right reasons.. and I am very unsure of just what the right reasons are... and whether for me there can ever be a right reason.. is doing it for Kate a right reason, and is her reasoning right reasons, and me doing it for those reasons right reasons? I really have no idea...:(

[Lady_Passion]

Might have to introduce u to me mum.. ever since I can remember she has wanted me to produce grandchildren.. and I have been such a disappointment on that score.. she loves my partners kids to bits and they are her grandchildren as much as any I will ever birth, but she has always had this bee in her bonnet about me having kids.. my sister is older and has never had the same pressure put on her..

.. but Kate and I are agreed on one thing.. if I decide to go ahead..and that is a huge if even now.. it has to be for the right reasons.. and I am very unsure of just what the right reasons are... and whether for me there can ever be a right reason.. is doing it for Kate a right reason, and is her reasoning right reasons, and me doing it for those reasons right reasons? I really have no idea...:(

Having a child for anyone else's reasons wouldn't cut it for me. But, if some day you feel as if you can't live without having your own child, that will be the best reason of all and the easiest to act on :.)

[darkeyes]

Having a child for anyone else's reasons wouldn't cut it for me. But, if some day you feel as if you can't live without having your own child, that will be the best reason of all and the easiest to act on :.)

It was Kate who first broached the subject.. and I have never until recently even come close to agreeing. Any who know me is aware that it is rare for me to do something for someone else's reasons.. I may go along with them because those reasons are in accord with my own wishes and desires.. but I do not do things simply because someone wants me to for reasons of their own..

This case is no different, even though it is the person I love who so desperately wants me to do something I have always set my face against. It doesn't sit easily with me, Lady, because I am like you concerned that if we go ahead, I will be doing something of incredible importance not because I want to but because Kate wants it. She understands that for me to go ahead and have a child for her reasons alone, and because she wants me to, has the potential of being an absolute disaster. No.. it would be. So, while we discuss it, she does not pressure me. I accept the very fact that it is under discussion is in itself a form of pressure, but it is not unnacceptable pressure. We both have ideas and raise things with each other constantly and discuss them.. it is right we should do so and know what is in each others mind's. Although incredibly life changing for me, this is another such issue.

I said in another thread that if they ever perfect the creation of sperm cells from the cells of a woman, something which has been done in a primitive and non viable form for life creation, then I would be the first to be in line to have my partner's child. The thought of our cells and genetics mingling excites me and I have found that to be a dearly held desire within me. Yes I would get pregnant tomorrow if that were the case. Because I want that. But I am a realist, and know that any child I have as things stand would contain none of her DNA, and would not be a part of her... half of it would belong to some unknown guy, unless we find our own donor. It is that any child would not be genetically OUR child that holds me back.. yet is that such an important thing? To me? Yes.

So no Lady.. I will not go ahead unless sure I want this, and can overcome my fears... and am sure I'm doing it for the right reasons.. my confusion lies in that I am unsure of just what the right reasons are and as you say I want a child. Until I can resolve that.. if I ever resolve it.. we will do nothing..:)