Epic Coming out tale

[ShingLa]

Hello so I am new to the forum, I have been looking at this sight for a few months now and I'm very impressed with the open minded people here. I finally found my peers. I am 24 year old male and newly married in June to an amazing woman and then realized I was bisexual in October. At first I was so happy to finally have realized and acknowledged the inner woman in side of me that weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt like the real me for the first time in my life. I didn't know at the time what a wild ride coming out was going to be. Since October I have gone day by day noticing the changes in my walk, my demeanor and my thought process. I went from having a very straight-forward (all puns intended) process to all of a sudden a mind that thought differently about everything from fashion, to politics to people, how I view myself, how I view others. All the way to cross-dressing and have to say. Its the strangest feeling to have a complete body release and a comfortable natural feeling just for putting on woman's clothing, its the strangest thing. It has been a wild ride.

All through this process my wife has been right beside me helping me through it. My wife is Bisexual as well and she has been the greatest help since she understands the duality of the process. I could not have asked for a greater person to go through this with.

Since October I have come to realize the path that got me here in my life. I was raised in the prairies around a very alcohol fueled male sexually repressed culture. I came from a family that never hit their wives just mentally abused them to a point slightly better than hitting them. So through my childhood I was usually shy and kept to myself keeping the woman inside of me locked in the closet one day knowing that I would leave that place and those people and find out who I am. So my wife then girlfriend and I take off to the coast and escape the prairies. Over the years before we got married it seemed that every time I went back I noticed how much I had changed and the pattern of abuse that my family had towards each other and that I had escaped it by moving. My mother was a big piece of that abuse, she applied gender specific roles in the house and enforced the same level of abuse on me if she noticed too much femininity from me. So I locked myself in the closet and throughout my teen years I develop the same opinions towards women from my family and the general culture as well. Over the early part of my 20's I began to let go of my old programming and to realize what life meant to me and I have come leaps and bounds from my teen years. Of course all this new knowledge is causing more confrontation throughout my family and especially my mother and I. She doesn't approve of my wife and that it leads to a big mess at the wedding and my whole family not on speaking terms with me by the end of it.

To speed things up my mother passed away in March and I have grief, a new marriage and a coming out process all piling on top of each other. Each one somehow related to some painfull childhood memories. Now the woman in me keeps wanting to come out and I keep trying but it seems every time I try I'm back to some weird form of self hatred that leaves me down a dark path where I get distant and moody and my old bad boyfriend habits start up again. I want those patterns to go away so I can carve out a new identity for myself. But I'm scared to because I would have a more flamboyant personality and I should just stay in the closet because I'm married. Now that I got married I decide "I'm gay, but I'm not gay I'm Bisexual." How do I explain that to my prairie family. How do I stand up and be a good husband a strong man when I identify so much as being a woman inside?

I have just been sad lately. I have accepted the woman inside and now she is crying over all the times she's been hurt in the past and never got to say so.

I hope this helps anyone going through the same situation.

Shingla http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/smilies/bi_banner.gif

[TwylaTwobits]

I don't really have any advice for you but I send you some major hugs. Sounds like you had a time of it all the way around and still some rough things to through in the future. I would suggest you seek counseling since you are now away from the prairies and if you don't ever feel comfortable telling your family about your sexuality you don't have to do so.

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs, just hugs.......

go into the bedroom, dress up as a lady, put on make up etc, take ya wife and make mad passionate love in every room on the house and on the kitchen table too.... then go into the shower, and cry your heart out.... with your wife.... and when you have done that, then make love with your partner.....

exploration of who you are and I mean who you are, every lil aspect, good and bad, is the key to knowing who you are, what can be fixed and tweaked, and what can't.... but also important is your partner.....so fucking important

learn about what parts of you work in balance with your partner, and what parts conflict .... then work out the tweaks to get around it.....

two spirited bisexuals are in a ever shifting state of emotions, feelings and thoughts.... more than just a bisexual.....
thats cos two spirited bisexuals are both male and female in energy, emotions, feelings and thoughts, and if you think that a female with pms can be argumentative, you are wrong..... a two spirited bisexuals masculine and feminine sides will fight worse than two pit bull terriers over who is gonna hump your left leg.....

what the issue there is, is that we can mistake the imbalance for issues caused by your past.... and while there are issues there that could benefit from some counseling with the support and help with your partner.... there are the issues with your bisexuality that can only be worked thru inside you, then with your partner...

a mans home is their castle.... but in that castle is a queen, .... play dress up, wearing ladies clothing, let ya wife fuck you into submission with a feeldoe...etc.... do what ever it takes to *break the spirit * of your self hatred..... as that makes any counseling far more effective if you feel you are in control of the changes in you rather than at their mercy......

as for your family, part of you * coming out * is that they will be presented with a reflection of their own issues..... and they will react to it... in what way is hard to say.... but they will react.....
one thing you need to remember there, is do not try to change them.... the reason for that, is if you can not bring change in yourself, then by trying to force change in others or conformity in them, you are doing what your mother has done to you...and you know first hand, what that can do to a person
the reverse is true of them.....if they try to force you to remain what they think you should be, they are not changing their own issues and they too are doomed to walk a path in the shadows.....

[NEPHX]

...
...I have accepted the woman inside and now she is crying over all the times she's been hurt in the past and never got to say so...

Hi Shingla, Welcome to the community... I'm so sorry you're feeling sad. Stick around, this is a good place and you'll fit right in :tongue:.

From your comments of "the women in side" I would suggest that you might need to read up on, understand and then unravel the issue of sexual orientation AND gender identity. They are different even though each can play a role in the other. Each is a separate identity/area and while intertwined, most find understanding each is essential.

Although you mention you're bisexual, you seem to be identifying only issues related to gender identity in your post at this point anyway. I didn't see anything related specifically to issues of sexual orientation that you have concerns with in your post.

A person can change their gender identity or just the self-identification of their gender(s) and not change the gender(s) to which they are attracted to while their gender identity might change the label of their sexual orientation. You didn't mention you're now or have ever been attracted to men.

What you will find is often the two, while separate issues, are linked at a higher level as well. The bisexual community and transgender communities are generally intertwined as many transgender identifying individuals often identify as bisexual. However, that is not as likely the reverse (not nearly as many bisexual individuals identify as transgender). And, you will also likely find that the bisexual individuals/communities are generally the most welcoming & accepting of transgender individuals/community.

Transgender is the T in LGBT and is a term used to group all the gender identity subgroups into one. There are a number of subsets that you can look-up (look up transgender). These are actually pretty good:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_orientation

I guess, in a very short definition,

Sexual Orientation is what gender(s) you have the capacity to be/are attracted to

Gender Identity is related to the gender(s) you feel you identify as (and that doesn't mean one can't identify with both (some say there are more than two) or switch off over some time period). Its more complicated than that of course ;-)

I'd suggest you seek out a counselor specifically related to those issues - try PFLAG website in your area as well as the any LGBT Community center as a start.

I would also suggest that you check out transgender community support organizations in your town or online. Often, you will find them extremely helpful.
Vancouver BC:

http://www.transalliancesociety.org/

http://transhealth.vch.ca/resources/transgroups.html

Interestingly, I had my first immersion into the issues of gender identity in summer 2000 at a conference on bisexuality and gender identity in Vancouver BC and, as someone identifying as bisexual, I came away from the conference with a new outlook on gender identity - gender no longer mattered to me. They had a great community up there at the time and I suspect still do.

My information on the topic comes from interacting with the transgender community as part of the bi community, conferences and having many, many transgender friends over the years. In other words, while somewhat generally versed on the topic, I'm certainly no expert.

[BiBedBud]

Dear ShingLa,

My advice to you: First things first; and always, one thing at a time.

You were married less than a year ago. For all intents and purposes, you are a newlywed, and your wife is supportive and loving. Just focus on that, on her and on you as part of that newlywed couple. Don’t look back so much. Look forward, and focus on what supports and comforts you (your wife), rather than all those in your past who bullied and traumatized you.

Also, I am of the opinion that you don’t necessarily owe it to your birth family to tell them every detail of your private life – so why bother if it is just going to put you through the emotional meat grinder? You are obviously only recently getting your footing, and it would seem that your emotional balance isn’t entirely solid, so why undertake all that with your birth family now, so soon after you got married? Instead: simplify.

Get some distance from what troubles you, so that you can gain perspective and some insight, and only then, think about broaching old issues with your birth family – and even then, only if you think there is a chance for some kind of worthwhile resolution. If you think they can never accept and love you the way you need to be accepted and loved, then I am afraid you’ll likely have to make-due with a ‘lesser relationship’ with them. That’s sad, but you’re hardly the only one in the world in that situation. Count yourself as lucky that you’ve found a woman to be your wife who makes you happy. Return the favour and you’ll be happy together.

Furthermore, it would seem to me that you have some kind of concept (probably instilled in you from your childhood), that men are ‘strong’ and women are ‘weak’. I can tell you that this is a false premise. Masculinity and femininity are in no way along the same spectrum as strength and weakness. A man can be masculine, and when push-comes-to-shove, proven to be weak, needy, dependent and insecure. This is not necessarily the case, but it has been known to happen. I have seen it. On the other hand, a woman can be feminine, but when the shit hits the fan, show herself to be strong, in control, independent and masterful. I have seen this too. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but anyone who has looked has seen it also.

So, go figure out your identity and proclivity – but don’t be so closed minded about what that entails or means. Make yourself who you want to be. Everything else will fall into place.

Good Luck!

[12voltman59]

Welcome to the site--I can only add a few things----mostly as BiBedBud said--you have so much you are dealing with at this time--don't over tax yourself---deal with each thing individually and in bite sized pieces so to speak---if you tried to take it all on--the death of your mother and all the issues around that---dealing with being young itself is a challenge and being a newlywed too.

Now you add on figuring you are bisexual and you have the "woman" side of you. Just take those in smaller bites, too.

I don't know your financial situation and the place you live for access to things like counselling--but some sessions of this sort might be helpful--not because you are "bad" or messed up in some way--merely that you have some heavy hitting life issues that you could stand some help with.

At the very least----get to a bookstore and find at least one good "self-help" kind of book that speaks best to your situation----at least reading a book of that sort can help you think about things in a different way and realize that others have issues, if not exactly like yours, at least of the same sort with the book helping you find strategies to deal with what you face.

Well that is my :2cents:---welcome to the site and best of luck to ya!!

[MarieDelta]

Welcome honey

I understand this territory all too well.

Sounds like some depresion combined with some gender dysphoria, something I am all too familiar with.

I would like to second Voltie's recommendation for counselling, BC has some great facilities.

http://transhealth.vch.ca/

Do go talk to some folks, it helps.

In addition to this forrum another one I like to reccomend is the one over at www.myhusbandbetty.com (http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/) for Significant Others (SO) and Transfolk alike. Helen Boyd runs that forrum and is (amongst other things) an SO of a transsexual woman. They are a very welcoming lot.

If you need anything else, I am glad to help, of course even if you just need to vent or a shoulder to cry on.

*hugs*

[mikey3000]

And remember, you just found lots of understanding people here. Everyone here is just wonderful with the great advice, cause most of us have been exactly where you are.

Welcome.

[ShingLa]

Wow thank you everyone for the great responses and feedback, its better than I could have expected.

To clarify a few questions I never got to in my original long winded post. My sexual orientation is definitely bisexual, I am equally into men as well as women. I had attractions and experiences when I was younger and the feeling for men were just as strong as for women. I just happened to have found the right person in a woman and I know that if I had come out sooner I would still look for the same qualities that I find in my wife from any gender. I have figured out my orientation its the gender identity that still confuses me.

All of your encouragement helped to change my day. My wife saw my current level of duress and I called in sick for work and took a mental health day. So we went shopping and had a girly day and I bought new shoes. So I am feeling much better. Thank you for your support.

[NEPHX]

My sexual orientation is definitely bisexual, I am equally into men as well as women. I had attractions and experiences when I was younger and the feeling for men were just as strong as for women. I just happened to have found the right person in a woman and I know that if I had come out sooner I would still look for the same qualities that I find in my wife from any gender. I have figured out my orientation....

wow.... how wonderful that you found the one for sure! You have one half of the equation figured out already.

I have figured out my orientation its the gender identity that still confuses me.

I hope the local group in Vancouver is helpful