Good Morning.

[Emotional Masochist]

So this is simply going to be a rnadom spin of bullshit. Basically i am gging to spew whats going through my head at the moment so if it doesn't make any sense i apologize....hmm now that my warning has been given i will get on with it

.......hmmm so at 2:55 in da morning my mind seems blank.hehe
neways i was wondering something. I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now and well i love her. But fck i think i screwed up. lol well actually it makes me laugh when i think about it. Cause well i had decided to explore my sexuality and go out and see what the world was really like and then the next day get hooked up with the girl i've known half my life. seems like I failed without ever trying.lol Please no one tell her this she will kick my ass. its funny cause she knows I am bisexual. She is fully supportive, but well im a monogamous person. I don't cheat. cause well i am possessive and what i won't allow my partner to do i won't do....well except smoking. cause im trying to quit, but failing completely at the moment. Oh and smoking is bad. well anyways i was wondering if any one else has gone through something like this. its funny cause im not interested in anyone else. Well i do like to look. I mean you can't walk into a garden and not look at the flowers right. as long as you don't pic them you are fine.

hmmmm so i really shouldn't try and type something coherent when i'm tired. But you can really find some retarded sentences that you don't understand when you do. anyways. me is bored.hmmmm ppl if u have read dis so far i applaud your efffort.

So working to jobs is a stupid idea and if anyone else decides to do it jsut shoot yourselves now. Such a bad idea seriously. and well if you can, avoid helping your family at all costs. become a jack ass and forget dat dey even exist. it will make life so much easier. oh and credit cards are the tools of the devil. burn dem before u ever use dem. oh never piss of the pizza delivery boy... he knows were you live hehe.

Though seriously don't do more work in a day den you sleep. if you work an 8 hour shift make sure you can sleep at least 8 hours. doesn't matter if you do or not just make sure you can get that sleep if necessary. like fuck I am exhausted. i spend all week dreaming of sleep and when i finally can get some sleep i don't want it anymore. currently during the week i sleep about 3 hours a day(5 if i get a chance to nap in between jobs). I work two jobs where i get paid, and after my second job i help my parents out at their job fro two hours.....

Again seriously find a way to ignore your family when they need help. if you can just walk past a bleeding man begging for help you have succeeeded in life. cause if you can't you will forever suffer, and get pissed when you see sumone else do exactly that.Worst part is in life most people will look at both of you with the same eyes. the same respect. hell half the people in the world might even think your an idiot for eing so fucking tired and useless all the time. ARGGGGG sorry bout this little section this is mostly bout my personal family just needed to vent a little. please take care of your family even if they are idiots and should be able to tke care of themselves. if you can do something to help them out do it. just make sure you never over do it. cause at the end of the da they are going to be fine and you will be suffering.......

Credit cards ruin lives. im 21 and i shouldn't have to work like an idiot just to get back on my feet....though i will admit that most of my ddebt was not amde by me. I am the one who has to pay it off and well i knew it would happen.fuck.....again i am saying do not bail out other people when they are in trouble cause later on when you are working haad to get back all the resources you used to bail them out hey will sit back and laugh at u......

don;t piss of a delivery driver... ok so this is no from personal experience. it just clicked in my head when i was dealing ith an annoying customer. i was thinking as i lef fuck i shud kick his ass... n den it hit me fuck i know where this asshole lives... that just made me laugh just thought i would share that.

Umm so fuck usually i am a happy-go-lucky type of guy. one with no cares, no worries, no problems. i laugh it off. im usually very easy going, but well since i got my second job its gotten hard to be me. Seriously i snap at da most retarded moments. Im tired and cranky all the time.the littlest things set me off. buh well fuck i need the damn money so i have to work. its just frustrating listening to people complain to me bout being tired and not having enough money or time to do netin. and well i jus wish i could say welcome to my world.

ummmmm well dats all i can o for now my eyes are starting to close so umm thank you for reading my rant of stupidity. and well good night and god mmorning.

[Herbwoman39]

Good morning EM :)

Sounds like things are pretty rough right now. You need to get more sleep. That second job is, I hope, only temporary while you get those debts paid off, right?

In a small way I can relate. There was a six month period when I was not much older than you that I was working full time, taking care of my kids and going to school on my days off. I about went insane. But, like your situation, it's only temporary. And you're doing the mature thing. Lots of people your age would blow off the debt.

Yeah it sucks pretty hardcore right now. Just do the best you can. That's all anyone expects.

[TwylaTwobits]

I can't think of a thing to add, Herbwoman covered it wonderfully. Just hang in there.

[MarieDelta]

EM, while I'm not a big fan of it. Bankruptcy may offer a way out of your mess.

You might check with someone.

I hate to see you feel like you have to work a couple jobs just to get back on your feet. That can be dangerous and make things extremely hard for you.

[dafydd]

don't listen to yourself late at night when your tired. your brain will try to sabotage yourself with fear and negativity.

my advice...try listening to Billie Holliday and pretend she understands your pain. as Joni Mitchell once sang "There's comfort in melancholy"

I agree with you about credit cards. I just found an old one in a drawer with about £40 on it, and I went out a bought a Playstation 3, and a bed and a sofa, and some cool looking cushions....without hesitation.

d:cool:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Em, honey. First of all, take some time for You and get some much needed sleep. You cant work like that and expect to be able to be ok at it...I know from personal experiance. I worked 60 hour weeks and paid for it dearly, thats how I broke my back. I was too over tired, stressed to the max at just losing my Mom, trying to figure out how to make a Christmas for my kids and make ends meet on a crumby fast food place job, after losing my good job with the VA.
Believe me, it isnt easy, but if Bankruptcy is the only alternitive, then do what you have to do.
Take it easy sweetie, and go get that rest. You cant do yourself any good if you cant function. And Please...dont get yourself hurt and messed up like I did..:(
Cat

[Emotional Masochist]

Thank you guys for your concern. I don't really know what to say other thank you. I think most of that was just a tired mind needing to complain. Just needing an outlet to vent some frustration. I hate my job, but i can't leave cause i need the money. I am so close to paying off my debts. Its only three more months. That's what i keep telling myself, but i break down every once in a while. I'm exhausted most of the time and i don't have enough time to spend with the people i care about. I mean I try to make room within my schedule and on my weekends. i think i need to stop drinking for a little while so that I'll be able to sleep better. I mean its funny cause i end up not sleeping on my weekends cause im off drinking with my friends and then i wake up to go see my girlfriend or something else and just end losing sleep. Its funny i keep telling myself i'll sleep tomorrow but something will come up and I will just think fuck I have shit to do and this is the only time i have.Then i have to go to work. Ive been trying to nap in between jobs, but that just makes me feel more exhausted afterwords. And well my afternoon job is ust a pain in the as. I don't know why but it fucking kills me to work there. Its a pizza place and well my boss is a dick. I need to find a new jo but well there doesn't seem to be enough time to look. I keep telling myself its only for another few months and then i can relax. Just three more month. I've been doing this for the last 2 months and i have a schedule a plan.... i want to make it work. so that i can get back to where i should have always been. I mean fuck i did this to myself and well im not taking any easy ways out. I am not a big fan of bankruptcy and well i kind of have stupid sense of justice that i have to pay back my debts. it seems kind of stupid sometimes. but well yea.. anyways its not that bad. honestly a lot of it is paying of a friend who helped me ut cause he wanted to and well the fucking asshole won't let me pay him back until i pay off my credit cards even though he is going through some issues of his own i don't even know why i am still complaining. I started this to try and say thank you to all of you and here i am complaining all over again.

The thing is i am finally happy. its retarded i know. Im working myself to death i have no time for anything or anyone. but well i've found an amazing girlfriend. i have plans to go back to school. I am trying to save up to go on vacation at the end of the summer for my cousins Wedding back in sri lanka.
basically i am just trying to set up myself up with out debt before i take my second chance at life. I will figure everything out as it goes. I am just hit my midway point in my plan and well sort of having a break down. I want to give up so badly i really do. But that's exactly what i always do. Its why i am in this situation. i am great at giving up and not completing my goals. I am a high school drop out. I dropped out of college a year and a half ago. I give up..... and then regret it. regret making those stupid choices when i could have just kept going. I've thrown so much time, money and energy away. By making these stupid choices i.... i don't even know what i was doing or thinking. Right now i am just trying to pick up the pieces of my life. slowly putting everything back into perspective. Taking one step at a time. I stopped thinking. stopped looking at what i had to do and just doing it. That's how i made it through these last three months.... but well i finally looked back to see how far i had come. To see how far all this suffering had brought me and well i was only ten feet from where i started. I saw that and i had a little bit of a break down. It was kind of had to see that i hadn't really made it anywhere. And so i slapped my buddy in the face with three hundred dollars. Told him to fucking take it and take care of himself. I have decided to quit my job by Friday and start looking for one that i enjoy and see if i can survive with just one for a little while. Hopefully i can find something better soon. I am going to keep moving forward and hope to god something works out.

SO again i just want to thank you guys. I keep going off on rand om tangents. Its funny cause it feels better to vent these thoughts then brood on them. it kind of makes them easier to handle.hmmm so before i start another tangent i will just say thank you once more and take my leave.

[dafydd]

Thank you guys for your concern. I don't really know what to say other thank you.
....... I mean I try to make room within my schedule and on my weekends. i think i need to stop drinking for a little while so that I'll be able to sleep better.

you certainly will sleep better and feel better. getting drunk is borrowed time that you always have to pay back...

d:male: