Complaining about my situation: unattractive?

[bemyonlyone]

On another forum I go on, this guy told me I shouldn't talk about being unkissed at 26 (one more week) because it's unattractive and it puts people off. He says I should just keep it to myself.

But in life, at school, at work, with my family, with friends, that's all I do--keep it to myself. I devote so much energy to keeping it to myself, then I tell people on this internet because in my mind, it's "safe." They're far away and can't judge. Or I can truly be myself. I don't know.

Is it really that unattractive to talk about this problem? Are people really that put off by it? I feel like I'm just being honest and being myself.

I don't even know anymore.

[TwylaTwobits]

In a word, NO. People forget that there are real people behind any pixels, I noticed in your first posting on here you talked about leaving another online bi community. Perhaps the person, I'll refrain from calling the dickhead a dickhead, was only there for sexual hookups. The idea of someone being able to tutor you in the ways of love and romance is not unattractive unless the person is looking for a quick lay, no strings, and no responsibilities. Here you'll find that while we do chat about sex, for the most part we are real people. And we are just as likely to talk about politics, books and post photos of places we visit and rant about issues near and dear to our hearts. So I'll say it with a smile, Welcome :)

[Long Duck Dong]

hun, I am 39..... hang on a sec..... * counts on fingers and toes *.... yeah 39.... and I have never asked a lady out for a date..... I have never had the knack....

I was 16 before i had sex with a female and was so bored with it, it was 3 years before I tried again.....
but susan boyle has me beat, shes 40 something have had never been kissed, but by fuck that lil lass got a standing ovation in britains got talent...... for a lady that have not been kissed, she really screwed the nay sayers when she sang..... and thats true of you too..... you may have not been kissed, but that doesn't mean that you do not get many many people standing on their feet and applauding your simple actions and posts....

26 and never been kissed ??? ...thats hardly unattractive.... and its sure as hell not wrong..... it just means that you have a simple and quiet life, its not complicated by issues like drunken flings, sti's, one night stands, unfaithful partners etc etc..... a lot of the bs that other face suckers have faced and gone thru
to me it also says that you have not been conned into bed by a lying sack of shit, not been told that the sun shines when you smile, only to find that the dark clouds appear when you realise you have been used for a quickie......

I love hearing about people like you.... cos it makes a change from hearing about everybodies conquests and love lifes.....or about how they love to suck cocks and much pussies..... you talk about the real stuff, lassie.... and well we have lost one other that did the same, thanks to issues in the site, so yeah... talk about what you see as a rough run in life..... cos many more of us can relate and people like you with a honest and open nature, help us to find the strength to say * yeah, me too *.....

[bemyonlyone]

Well, this was actually on a body modification forum...and he's a straight guy. He even asked, when I talked about my friend "Oh, does she like girls too?" He doesn't sound very open-minded about anything. I don't know why he would act like that, especially since a good number of women there are bi.

If I tell people that I've never had a relationship inevitably being bi comes up, and since I'm not ready to tell everyone, I try to avoid both subjects. My life is fun that that now.

Also it's pretty obvious to everyone at work that I have a thing for my friend, I'm not good at hiding it.

Every birthday it just gets tougher.

Thanks for the reply.

[TwylaTwobits]

No worries, hon, and my partner replied just under me. He is more awesome than any other guy I've ever met, even if I had to do the asking :)

You aren't alone in waiting to get involved and these days it seems if you kiss someone that they expect more and more until you are giving all you have to give and then sometimes that isn't good enough.

Keep posting your real thoughts and feelings, no one here will slam you for them. If they do there is a handy little ignore button that works wonders :)

[bemyonlyone]

I don't really want to wait, I've just been unsuccessful. If I could I would find someone to do everything with, I just can't find anyone.

I am in love with my friend but she's straight and it's not likely. I am not holding out for marriage and I don't like being like this.

LDD: Maybe I want to have experienced those regretful things, it can't be worse than regretting being 26 and never kissing anyone.

[Lonewolf76]

In a word, NO. People forget that there are real people behind any pixels, I noticed in your first posting on here you talked about leaving another online bi community. Perhaps the person, I'll refrain from calling the dickhead a dickhead, was only there for sexual hookups. The idea of someone being able to tutor you in the ways of love and romance is not unattractive unless the person is looking for a quick lay, no strings, and no responsibilities. Here you'll find that while we do chat about sex, for the most part we are real people. And we are just as likely to talk about politics, books and post photos of places we visit and rant about issues near and dear to our hearts. So I'll say it with a smile, Welcome :)

I could NOT have said it better!! Welcome. Feel free to speak whatever is on your mind or in your heart. You MAY get an occaisional nasty comment from a TROLL - we all do hon and we all ignore them. But by and large - we are all very supportive of one another. So again welcome to the family. Wolfie

[12voltman59]

To Bemyonlyone----you can talk about whatever ya want on here---do be aware that we have either one or several "trolls" who dog the place from time to time--rearing their ugly troll heads creating new names and then posting up all kinds of nasty stuff to and about people---but don't let that bug ya---everyone's radar is pretty good on that now----and we will let ya know if someone is a suspected troll.

As far as your particular situation is concerned---as others have said----you are not wrong to talk about your lack of having kissed anyone at your age----feel free to talk about it---I think you will find that most people on here are going to offer you good and worthwhile advise on how to deal with what you are feeling.

As far as that person from the other site you taked about---he seemed like a narrow minded jerk----the net, like the world--is full of 'em.

Don't let fools like that get ya down----

Welcome to the site--and I hope you find some answers to your questions and concerns---and that you make some connections here that help you build some confidence in yourself and also help you come to some understanding about yourself.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Welcome Home, Honey. Here you can be free to be you at all time, and in fact, we encourage it..lol. You talk about naything you like, and if one or more of us can help, then we'll do so. :}
Just relax and be you, and life will happen when its meant to. All in good time, Sugar.
In the meantime, talk, discuss, debate and relate here with us. :}
Cat
Everybodys Feline ;)

[MarieDelta]

Welcome Hon,

First let me say its been a struggle for me as well. And part of that was confidence.

Confidence is key to being attractive to anyone. You have to be able to look up and smile at someone, in order to intiate contact.

You may need help with clothing , fashion , whatever, but you can find most of that online. The main thing you need now is confidence in yourself.

Take a deep breath and do something that makes you feel beautiful today.It doesnt have to be huge, or expensive either. It could be as simple as taking a hot bubble bath with some nice smelling salts or oils. Whatever it is, do it. Tomorrow do something else to make yourself feel beautiful.

You could go to a make-up counter and have a free make-up lesson, whatever! Just Do It, and do it for you.

One small step at a time, hon.

[12voltman59]

I do sense a theme going here Bemyonlyone---you as much as anything--- you just need to get a little more confidence in yourself. I wished I could recall the name of a great book on relationships that I read years back that was a great help to me in developing more meaningful relationships----it might sound like a soundbite or a cliche----but I really feel the line the authors of that book came up with is true and I think that instead of watching all those romantic movies, television shows, reading old stories or listening to music that tells ya that you have to "find your true love as soon as possible and all will be perfect in your life" and that you go about that in the traditional way, as if finding something outside yourself is gonna make a difference--what is most effective in finding someone good for you boils down to this statement: "love is not finding the right person--love is being the right person!"

Maire is right----you do need to start doing some things to help you feel better about yourself---and don't really worry about what did or did not happen in the past----that water is already downstream of the dam---you need to live for the moment--sort of like the way the dog whisperer, Caesar Milan, works with dogs and people---and people like Deepak Chopra say---"live in the now"--don't worry that you haven't been kissed up to now--reseolve to live life from now on so that you become a person someone else wants to be with and cannot help but want to kiss all the tiime!!!

I would suggest, read the writings of people like Chopra, Dr Wayne Dyer, and others--and don't think you have to take everything they say to heart----think of the ideas they present as tools in a tool box----take out the tools that you need or suit best the work you are doing--in this case--only go with the things that seem to be right for you, make sense for you.

I do say too---be willing to accept ideas and such beyond your comfort zone---stretch yourself a bit----keep an open mind. Explore, read, experiment.

But for now--take some small steps like Marie said---take a nice bubble bath with candles burning, iincense going and soft music on--and as some therapists might suggest--make it date with yourself with the end result that you are "gonna take advantage of yourself"--with that meaning---self-pleasure yourself to a nice big orgasm---or splurge and treat yourself to a day spa treatment of some sort--then go home and take advantage of yourself!!!:bigrin::tong:

Good luck and have fun!!!

[bemyonlyone]

Masturbating just gets old after awhile. When you want someone else, it just gets old. It's not the real thing.

I just want to do the things I read about other people doing and get so jealous because I can't. I want something so much that I can't have because another person has to say yes. I am yes free at this time in my life. Ugh.

It just feels hopeless.

[MarieDelta]

Masturbating just gets old after awhile. When you want someone else, it just gets old. It's not the real thing.

I just want to do the things I read about other people doing and get so jealous because I can't. I want something so much that I can't have because another person has to say yes. I am yes free at this time in my life. Ugh.

It just feels hopeless.

One step at a time hon.

YOu dont have to "take advantage " of yourself. But do try to make yourself feel beautiful...OK?

It doesnt have to hurt, or anything, just something small ,for you.

[onewhocares]

Welcome Hon,

First let me say its been a struggle for me as well. And part of that was confidence.

Confidence is key to being attractive to anyone. You have to be able to look up and smile at someone, in order to initiate contact.

You may need help with clothing , fashion , whatever, but you can find most of that on line. The main thing you need now is confidence in yourself.

Take a deep breath and do something that makes you feel beautiful today.It doesn't have to be huge, or expensive either. It could be as simple as taking a hot bubble bath with some nice smelling salts or oils. Whatever it is, do it. Tomorrow do something else to make yourself feel beautiful.

You could go to a make-up counter and have a free make-up lesson, whatever! Just Do It, and do it for you.

One small step at a time, hon.



Could not have said it better myself. Words of Wisdom.....from a beautiful woman, inside and out. I agree SO much with Marie. I used to think that attractiveness is what is shown on the outside...what people see. I have over the years found myself growing and growing in self confidence and I have "glowed" from within and radiated because I liked myself and the woman I am. I happen to be a six foot tall chubby blonde....not someone that society would consider model quality, but somehow with my sense of self and out going personality I have been blessed with many friends of all sorts.

I noticed that you are from Massachusetts, I am too. If you need some help or want someone to chat with about things...drop me a note. I will give you Boston Belle's One Stop Self Confidence Course. Also, if you want some help on the outside package...I can help there too. I happen to do makeup and some fashion work as Marie knows.

Belle

[cliffordmontero]

there is nothing wrong with taking your time . . . i started with girls waaay too young in my opinion . . . and if we were closer i would kiss you :p. as far as talking about your experience . . . or lack thereof . . . being unattractive, its no less attractive than some . . . how shall i word this so as to not offend . . . VERY experienced people going into graphic detail . . . maybe it was "tmi" for that particular person, but so what, there is nothing wrong with being who you are and owning it . . . the conversation could have just as easily gone the other way had he mentioned his experience . . . bragging about his sexual conquest could be unattractive to some people . . . personally, i am pretty well experienced, and i dont hide it, but i dont go on to brag about it, and i dont criticize others for not having as much experience as me . . . everyone has their own experiences and that is part of what makes us unique, if someone cant appreciate that, perhaps they dont need to be a part of any more experiences with you

[Billys_gurl]

I don't really want to wait, I've just been unsuccessful. If I could I would find someone to do everything with, I just can't find anyone.

I am in love with my friend but she's straight and it's not likely. I am not holding out for marriage and I don't like being like this.

LDD: Maybe I want to have experienced those regretful things, it can't be worse than regretting being 26 and never kissing anyone.

Sweetie, listen to me. I am getting ready to turn 38. I was UNKISSED until the age of 25. There is NOTHING wrong with it! After I started going out with my gay roomate, I went [U]WAY[U] overboard! I did things that I shouldn't have with people some of whom I still dont know their names. I got pregnant twice, lost one, and have an 11 year old. I used to see girls I went to school with, younger than me, with 2 or 3 kids by the age of 25 and think 'whats wrong with me?' Now I look back and think 'why didn't I wait a little longer?' We all come into our sexuality at different times and rates, you're a late bloomer. I was too, but carried it too far. Those regretful things may add character, so some say, but they also kill your self confidence. If people know you want those regretful things they will use you until they bleed you dry. It's not a fun feeling to have. I know I've been there.

[bemyonlyone]

But I've already come into my sexuality. I just haven't been able to have sex. That's the problem.

[dafydd]

But I've already come into my sexuality. I just haven't been able to have sex. That's the problem.

you don't have to if you don't want to.

d:flag1:

[bemyonlyone]

Well, um...I DO want to. That's why I complain. Obviously I'm not just going to go fuck anyone, but it's weird that it's been this long and I can't find anyone.

[MarieDelta]

If you could get together with Belle, I would suggest you do.

She is warm and wonderful woman in my experience.

She is also very knowledgable about fashion and make-up :)

[Herbwoman39]

BeMyOnlyOne;

First, I want to say Welcome Home. As I'm sure you're finding out, this place is full of wonderful people that are here to help no matter what the situation may be.

As part of that, I want to stress that you're not alone. The man who told you that it was unattractive to talk about being unkissed was speaking from his own biases. That, and he was being a dickhead. He wasn't taking time to consider that, on the other side of that screen there's a real, flesh and blood person.

Forgive me if I sound like I'm talking down to you with this next bit of advice. It's not my intention. You say you've come into your sexuality. What do you do to help yourself feel sexy? Sexy is very much an attitude. To be sexy it helps to feel that way. As others have said, do something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Don't be afraid to talk about how you're feeling. We're here to help :)

[Canticle]

And beauty comes from within, as do intellect, love, caring, laughter, tears and they all eminate from our spirit, or whatever you like to call that perfect essence, the vital spark, which makes us, each of us, who we are and joins us to our fellow human beings.

[Doggie_Wood]

If you could get together with Belle, I would suggest you do.

She is warm and wonderful woman in my experience.

She is also very knowledgable about fashion and make-up :)

Marie is right. :bigrin: Look what Belle did for me - :eek:

http://i223.photobucket.com/albums/dd155/Dogwoods_place/09%20vacation/Vacation09014.jpg

and I looked like a dog ;) before my makeover :bigrin::tongue:

Doggie :doggie:

[dafydd]

Well, um...I DO want to. That's why I complain. Obviously I'm not just going to go fuck anyone, but it's weird that it's been this long and I can't find anyone.

know what you mean. I'm 31 and have never been in a relationship...I had a funny five minutes yesterday. It was a balmy night and I sat on a park bench and indulged my self pity with sad music. It's enough to drive me back to drink.

d

[Lonewolf76]

If you do nothing but write posts out of self pity or for attention about how you've never had sex or a relationship yeah that can be annoying and very unattractive.

It makes one wonder what the person is holding out for or if the person really actually does want to have a relationship, sex, or intimacy at all with other people.

If they really did want the above things they would go out and get them from a man or woman if they're bisexual instead of bemoaning their situation to strangers on a message board and not actually doing anything to change their situation.

Wow!!! Way to go Mr. Sensitive... And they said Chivalry was dead! Did you READ the earlier posts??? Obviously this young lady is struggling with her self confidence. Comments like yours help - I'm sure! Did you ever consider that maybe she came to "strangers on a message board" because anonymity is safe and she may just pick up some good advice - which she has. Lighten up! No reason to be so nasty or negative. Wolfie

[bemyonlyone]

If you do nothing but write posts out of self pity or for attention about how you've never had sex or a relationship yeah that can be annoying and very unattractive.

It makes one wonder what the person is holding out for or if the person really actually does want to have a relationship, sex, or intimacy at all with other people.

If they really did want the above things they would go out and get them from a man or woman if they're bisexual instead of bemoaning their situation to strangers on a message board and not actually doing anything to change their situation.

I am shy and as such it has been difficult for me to start a relationship, which is why I never have. Wanting has nothing to do with it. If I don't have the social skills to convince someone to be my lover (which I clearly don't) then it doesn't matter how much I want a relationship (which I obviously do). I am not holding out for anything except someone who will love me and not hurt me in any way and who is a sexual person like I am and will enjoy having sex with me.

I can go out all I want, but since I don't have the ability to obtain a relationship, I'm not going to get one. It's not as simple as you seem to think it is.

You think all I have to do is what...go out and meet some random person? Who says they want a relationship? Maybe they just want a one night stand. You have no idea what you're talking about, you're very ignorant.

[12voltman59]

Don't worry about BretLA Bemy---he is probably one of our trolls and undoubtedly--he is as total ahole!!!!

I would suggest you make use of the ignore button--to do that---click on his name---look at his proflie and when it comes up---on the right hand of the page about mid-way down you will see the tab to hit to put him on iggy.

The point of what I was trying to say to you BMOO---was to do something to make yourself feel better about yourself---and what I was trying to get at with my comments about masturbation come from the work of Betty Dodson.

She wrote this book some years back http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-Selfloving-Betty-Dodson/dp/0517588323. Someone I dated for a time referred this book to me. It is as much about coming to accept a number of things about yourself as it promotes the idea that masturbation is a good thing and not a bad thing---the concept of that is very liberating--and if you do get that book and read it--you will see where I got the idea for making a masturbatory session something special.

I would really encourage you to obtain a copy of this book and of course read it--taking its lessons to heart. Dodson makes some very good points and gives you much to think about---especially about coming to accept yourself and appreciating yourself.

[bemyonlyone]

I've been masturbating regularly for seven years. Sure, it feels good, but it isn't giving me what I want. I know it's a good thing--if I didn't I would probably explode.

[Lonewolf76]

[QUOTE=12voltman59;162611]Don't worry about BretLA Bemy---he is probably one of our trolls and undoubtedly--he is as total ahole!!!!

I would suggest you make use of the ignore button--to do that---click on his name---look at his proflie and when it comes up---on the right hand of the page about mid-way down you will see the tab to hit to put him on iggy.

Bemy - I agree totally with Volty - If you do click on this jerks name - you'll see very little info on him. Not saying that is a bad thing - some people like more privacy than others - but it is also STANDARD PRACTICE of trolls - and based upon his comments - Its probably safe to assume that if he isn't a troll - he's certainly acting like one. I'd iggy him for sure. Keep smilin! Wolfie

[bemyonlyone]

So I'm a lesbian now? It's good to know that the job of defining my sexuality falls to you, loser.

[bemyonlyone]

Yes, I write about her because that's what I'm going through right now.

It is not your place to define my sexuality. At all. And the fact that you keep saying "I question your sexuality" really irritates me and makes you look like a flaming asshole.

I'm starting to think you are just a troll.

[Canticle]

So I'm a lesbian now? It's good to know that the job of defining my sexuality falls to you, loser.

Bret did not suggest that you were a Lesbian. In fact nothing that Bret has posted has been wrong.

Others may not agree with all that he has to say, but he is not wrong, nor is he a troll, or an asshole. I have read many intelligent remarks made by him.......and also what I consider to be not so clever...but never would I call Bret, or anyone else, for that matter, a troll. I find that so immature.

[bemyonlyone]

Oh, I see, so I have to "prove" that I like men? I have to prove that I"m not a lesbian because you're going to keep calling me one. Somehow, dating a guy is going to prove something. That's interesting.

You are a really disgusting person.

[bemyonlyone]

Bret did not suggest that you were a Lesbian. In fact nothing that Bret has posted has been wrong.

Others may not agree with all that he has to say, but he is not wrong, nor is he a troll, or an asshole. I have read many intelligent remarks made by him.......and also what I consider to be not so clever...but never would I call Bret, or anyone else, for that matter, a troll. I find that so immature.

Actually, he has, four or five or six times. Every post he makes in response to me, he has said "if you really are bisexual" "if you like men at all" "if you're not just lesbian."

So as you can see, he's done it pretty consistently.


Sweetie, I'm not a loser.

I have a wonderful life, lots of friends, many hobbies, a great job that I love, a wonderful wife, and if I want sex or a date with men and women who I find attractive I can easily get those too.


And none of these things make you not a loser. And a lot of people here don't like you, and I can see why.

[Canticle]

Actually, he has, four or five or six times. Every post he makes in response to me, he has said "if you really are bisexual" "if you like men at all" "if you're not just lesbian."

So as you can see, he's done it pretty consistently.



And none of these things make you not a loser. And a lot of people here don't like you, and I can see why.

I disagree and he is not a loser and you should not be calling Bret such a name.

Have you read every single post bret has ever made and every comment made in return. i doubt it, for that would take time. You are acting as if you know everyone very well and have been a member for a long, long time.

I may be mistaken, but your posting style, does remind me of someone else. However, I cannot remember the name, it is just the feeling I get of familiarity.

[bemyonlyone]

Even if he does think I'm a lesbian, I'm not sure why he needs to say it? Who gives a crap? It's not his place, or anyone's, really, to tell me what I am. Bisexual women get crushes on straight girls. Gay women get crushes on straight girls. Pansexual women get crushes on straight girls. Women who don't define their sexuality in any way and are attracted to both men and women get crushes on straight girls.

It seems like he's saying that somehow my liking a straight girl=me being a lesbian, and being stuck on her makes me a lesbian. If I was stuck on a guy in the same way, would people call me straight? Maybe. It's just stupid. It seems like he needs to call me a lesbian because ... I'm not dating men? I don't get it. It seems like he's saying I should prove something by talking about being attracted to men, because he hasn't seen me do so. So me being free to be myself and say what I want and what I feel gets shit on quite a bit.

I don't feel the need to prove or disprove anything. I know who I am, and I don't have to explain myself or my attractions to anyone. Right now I am in love with a straight girl, which is a state that any woman who is not straight may find herself in.

But needless to say he has stated several times that he thinks I'm a lesbian. If you don't believe me, go back and read his posts to me. He says it constantly. He said it in response to my first post here.

He seems to insist on two things and seems to think they are fact.

1. I am a lesbian.
2. My straight friend is not and will never be attracted to me.