To sexually enable another's journey?

[ambi53mm]

I’ve been visiting bi sites for a few years now and have observed that there are a large number of married bi males. Quite often whether in chat or occasionally through Emails, I eventually will get asked by an interested party if my wife knows that I’m bi. I reply “Yes, followed with the question “Does yours? The majority of the time the answer is No, followed usually by an explanations such as “She’d kill me”, ”She’d divorce me” “It would ruin my life”. etc.
My heartfelt sympathy and empathy goes out to males in this situation. I’ve lived that dual existence in marriages and relationships in the past and understand the sometimes overwhelming desire I had to realize that part of myself, and at the same time the rationalization process that one sometimes has to go through to overcome those feelings of guilt about being deceptive to one’s spouse or significant other.
I know there are males on this site that face this same dilemma, going through an agonizing process of justifying infidelity / or indiscretions. I empathize with their need for remaining discreet to protect their marriages and often families. My question is one of morality. Do I bare any moral responsibility by enabling someone else under these circumstances to sexually realize that part of their self? Please note that I pass no judgment. My past has been one of indiscretion after indiscretion in pursuit of coming to terms with my own bisexuality. Sometimes, it is necessary to do what we need to do. No apologies, for it’s what has taken me to this point in my own journey.

Ambi :)

[maslowstudent]

Ambi,

You pose an excellent and insightful question. Many of us on this board wrestle the the "morality" of our sexuality, and this is one of the reasons.

Aside from the contemporary western proscriptions against bisexuality and homosexuality, it does seem that the issues of marriage and infidelity add an extra dimension that needs to be addressed, even assuming one has come to terms with bisexuality as an acceptable behaviour between consenting adults. I, myself, am at odds with this added dimension.

The short story of my marriage was that I was never unfaithful - at all! No other women, no men. I never even had cybersex or flirtations. While married (I thought happily, for the most part) and secure in that relationship, it was the only sexual outlet I needed. I'm very conventionally Christian and took the marriage vows to be a very important part of my faith as well as my personal life choices. (Oh, that's right, I said SHORT story). Anyway, I discovered what I feel is a kind of betrayal on my ex-wife's part which, for me, pretty much annulled any sense of a "true" marriage. Far from losing respect for the institution, I simply feel that she never really showed up - while I did.

I've recently had a very tempting opportunity to meet with someone who's wife is unaware of his activities. If I follow that temptation, am I not ALSO expressing a lack of respect for marriage and fidelity? Unfortunately, I think so. I, too, have enormous sympathy for those whose needs take them outside the conventions of traditional marriage/relationships, and great respect for those whose spouses/partners are understanding enough to accomodate those needs. Personally, when the partner knows and accepts, I don't think that constitutes infidelity. When the partner is completely unwitting and LIKELY to object (especially when those aren't the terms of the relationship as they define it), then I think we run the risk of hurting someone innocent. From the experience of my marriage, I know what it is to be the unwitting recipient of betrayal of the terms of a relationship. It's pretty devastating.

I've been debating what I'm going to do about that exceptionally attractive offer. Your questions have forced me to find an answer. I'll have to say no. Sex and sexuality is only a part of who I am, and it's not the largest part. There are other parts of me that I have to be true to to sustain personal integrity. Thanks for helping me find the "me" in this question.

[supair]

I wouldn't want to be with anyone who deceives people they are close to, especially a spouse.

[Flounder1967]

Well I do understand how men feel this way. I was in the closet to my wife. I have had relations proir to meeting her and i though she would leave me if she ever found out. Well she found out and she is still with me.

you never how how someone will react to the news that you might, or are attcted to the same sex. For me my greatest fear was found out and she stayed.

I love my wife and glad she is in my life.


Sorry this is just my rant.

[teddyboy]

In my first marriage I was out with my wife but she never participated. It didn't do much for her either way and I always felt uncomfortable talking about it. In this marriage I told her before we even made love for the first time. What a decision that was! I was sweating it big time but as it turns out she accepts me and loves me for being honest. I am blessed to have her understanding.

We have participated in threesomes with other men and often engage in fantasy talk about it all during sex.

I have pondered the question above before when we sought out a partner and it does make me uneasy to invite someone who's wife doesn't know. I also understand however what it is like to push a HUGE part of yourself inside and it hurts bad bad bad. We have engaged in play with both. I guess I don't have an answer, but I feel it is something that people should think about along with the safety and the other usuals.

Maybe I justify it by reminding and telling myself how much pain that other might be going through and maybe we can provide them with some measure of release and comfort without expecting anything back other than a good time.

[Mrs.F]

As a spouse of a bisexual man I must say that it was much easier for me to accept him as being bisexual. I would not have been able to understand him cheating on me and the hurt would have been too strong to forgive.

I know it's hard to tell that part of yourself to your spouse. Not knowing how they will take the news...But taking that news will absolutely be easier then telling them that your bi AND you've been cheating. I've not walked in any of your shoes, but being the left out spouse, I know how I felt when I found out.

Mrs.F :)

[WillowTree]

I realize this person is hypothetical (at least I'm assuming), but it's my personal opinion that engaging sexually with this type of person is the wrong type of enabling. This makes you a party to disrespecting his marriage and the vows he took when it began, not to mention his clueless (maybe not) spouse. When faced with such a dilema you are much better off offering the bonds of friendship rather than sexual intimacy until he has been able to face this side of himself and talk to his spouse. The fear that comes with hiding such a huge part of yourself from your spouse suggests other issues that need to be dealt with, not only within the marriage but also within the person such as insecurities, etc. I hear what you are saying about no judgements, that is a good thing. All of us have faced those indiscretions at some point or another and in one way or another, even if not through outright cheating. In my first marriage, I did cheat with a woman. My ex-husband knew nothing of my bisexuality and I was very afraid to tell him. My husband now is fully aware, and actually helped me fully accept myself. He is understanding and supportive and our marriage is strong because of it.

Good for you asking for advice. I think navigating this lifestyle leads to many moral dilemmas, and asking for the thoughts of others helps us to decide how we truly feel and what we are comfortable with. I truly love threads like this as most everyone can benefit. :bigrin:

[Biboz49]

To throw in my :2cents: if you can't be open and honest with the one you love and live with, your spouse or partner, then what kind of relationship is that? Yah it's big time scarey worrying what your partner will do when you come out but on the other hand I think it would be more stressful to live another secret life and always covering up tracks. As well, it's our rule to never play with those whose partners do know what they are doing. We are not comfortable with the possibility of ruining someone else's relationship.

[ambi53mm]

I was recently faced with having to make a decision in regard to the question posed within this post. Going back and reading some of the responses helped and to those that contributed I am grateful.

Ambi:)

[elian]

Ambi,

I've recently had a very tempting opportunity to meet with someone who's wife is unaware of his activities. If I follow that temptation, am I not ALSO expressing a lack of respect for marriage and fidelity? Unfortunately, I think

Not in a relationship right now but unfortunately I think you are correct - for your "friend" to commit adultery would probably be a violation of his marriage vows. If she knew about his gender BEFORE he tried anything then maybe things could be different - and that is a loong maybe.

That is one of the reasons I've put off married/kids type of thing. It sucks being alone but I'm not mature enough to know if that's really what I want at the present time.

From my perspective it's not fair to the other person to drag them through all of this stuff. Of course, that was before I found this board and realized that gender, sexuality and relationships have more than two dimensions. Seems like it can get complicated though, depending...

I can certainly sympathize with someone not being able to express who they are - not being able to tell half the people you love that you have feelings for them is the most frustrating feeling in the world. However, coming from a divorced family myself I don't think I would ever knowingly play around with someone who is cheating on the wife/husband.

[HighEnergy]

To throw in my :2cents: if you can't be open and honest with the one you love and live with, your spouse or partner, then what kind of relationship is that?

Exactly! I was accepting of my partner and don't understand why anyone would be in a relationship that wasn't completely honest. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't tell me everything about themselves. That would be horrible from both sides.

[jamiehue]

married men who are bi and closeted are out for me. that hottie fireman is too dammn!

[Long Duck Dong]

I have always been the type of person that asks why people would enter into a marriage if they were aware of their bisexual nature BEFORE they married... and NOT tell their partner

but what about the people that don't truely understand themselves as bisexuals and get married......its a whole different ball game

I have always believed that IF I am aware of something that can affect the marriage in a serious aspect.... then my partner has the right to know.... for better or for worse.......thats part of marriage

but what is worse ??? not telling your partner and cheating... or telling your partner and running the risk of losing them.......
and then you ask another to help you make that decision for you, by asking them to sleep with you so you know if its worth telling your partner how you feel

" hey darling, I slept with another person, but its ok, cos now I know that I am bisexual / not bisexual...and we need to sit down and talk about how my sexuality affects us "

thats the point...where ya partner may wanna kill you..... not only have you betrayed ya partner.... but you possibly may have lied to another person and used them to help you betray your partner.........

if I put myself in the situation of the betrayed partner..... they are gonna feel so hurt and betrayed....not just by their partner, but also by the person / people that have slept with their partner, possibly knowing about the marriage.....and not caring......

if I put myself in the situation of the betraying partner..... they have *used * people in their pursuit of understanding....the desire to know their sexuality, and possibly with the intent of having that as part of the future of the marriage.....

if I put myself in the situation of the outside person...... they have acted in a itimate manner, based on the knowledge that they possess...... they have no way of knowing if the person is married, single, engaged, divorced, widowed etc, unless they have knowledge beyond a causal encounter between strangers.....ie friendship, work mate, etc etc

I personally would perfer to help a person on their journey.... only if they were single and I knew 100% they were single.....I know what a broken heart and betrayal, feels like....and I would not willingly and knowingly assist another person to do that to their partner....

[the mage]

I’ve been visiting bi sites for a few years now and have observed that there are a large number of married bi males. Quite often whether in chat or occasionally through Emails, I eventually will get asked by an interested party if my wife knows that I’m bi. I reply “Yes, followed with the question “Does yours? The majority of the time the answer is No, followed usually by an explanations such as “She’d kill me”, ”She’d divorce me” “It would ruin my life”. etc.
My heartfelt sympathy and empathy goes out to males in this situation. I’ve lived that dual existence in marriages and relationships in the past and understand the sometimes overwhelming desire I had to realize that part of myself, and at the same time the rationalization process that one sometimes has to go through to overcome those feelings of guilt about being deceptive to one’s spouse or significant other.
I know there are males on this site that face this same dilemma, going through an agonizing process of justifying infidelity / or indiscretions. I empathize with their need for remaining discreet to protect their marriages and often families. My question is one of morality. Do I bare any moral responsibility by enabling someone else under these circumstances to sexually realize that part of their self? Please note that I pass no judgment. My past has been one of indiscretion after indiscretion in pursuit of coming to terms with my own bisexuality. Sometimes, it is necessary to do what we need to do. No apologies, for it’s what has taken me to this point in my own journey.

Ambi :)

.................You do not drive the closeted men to the park or the bathhouse do you? They are responsible for their own lives. You are responsible for playing safe when you do play.

I have often wanted to post on CL or some place like it an open letter...

.........Hey 40's something housewife.....
Has your husband finally stopped bugging you to give him head after 20 years together? Check your local wooded park or porn theater to find out why.

they are everywhere....

[Falke]

Well, I am with a soon to be wife whom helped me figure who I was. She accepted me coming out and has supported me through it all. Anyhow, with the signifigant other, honesty really is the best policy. Personally I just as soon someone despise me for who I am than being loved for who I am not. I know, this doesn't help those who are married...