need ur advice friends.....

[huneypot]

hope u can help me out here,
well long story, ill try keep it short

I rent my own 3 bedroom house.
Set up just the way i want it, studio to paint, buddhist alter, etc,etc,
MY best friend was renting with me and was MEANT to move out months ago as he got his own house...but hes still here with his 11 year old son.

Well, the problem is the son is doing my head in, hes spoilt rotten, lazt,sloppy,untrained and i could go on forever.Its REALLY REALLY getting to me.

I need my space to be able to work, relax, concentrate on college work, im quiet a private person.

All that goes on in the house is shouting between him and his father....too many memories of my own childhood...not good

His father is my best friend and has supported me through the most difficult times, i call him "my rock".
He is going through a hard time himself...financial problem...stress...etc
I dont wanna hurt him by asking him to go....i feel like now im in a better place its like "ok go now i dont need u anymore"
I just dont know what to do...........

I love him so much, i love his son too, but i just want my space.
Please, any advice would be so appreciated
ty ty ty
Huney
:(

[meteast chick]

Huney

We took in a friend of my husband's 6 months ago. I haven't wanted to ask him to go for fear of hurting the friendship between he and my husband (and me). He is having money troubles as well. It's a tricky situation, doll.

I suppose all you really can do is be honest with your friend. Talk it over with him, that it's not that you don't like his son, but the boy's behavior is bothering you. If he knows you as well as you say, he should already know what kind of person you are, and will appreciate your honesty. I realize it only makes it further difficult that he's in a financial situation and you feel you owe him. If his son's behavior is really that awful, I think he'll already know it and will be receptive to alternative ideas.

More options, short of asking him to leave: Talk to the boy, at age 11 he should be old enough to understand if his behavior doesn't stop, changes will be made. Being a DIY girl, would you care to put up some sort of noise-cancelling insallation in specific rooms? Get the boy into more afterschool programs. Build a shed out back maybe, a private space just for the child, like a treehouse. Maybe make it personal, you're so creative. I don't know, these are just inane ideas.

I'm the same type of person, and often the noise level in my house from having small children can drive me up a wall. I suppose that's why I'm on the computer so much(LOL!) I bury my head in a project, a book, whatever, and block out everything. It's easier said than done. I believe I've perfected the art. The one thing that I never suggest is trying to compete with noise. Never up the tv or play your music loud. I just think it compounds noise.

If I can be of help, you know where to find me, but I imagine you have so many friends on and off this site that with any luck you will find a happy resolution and attain harmony once again.

With much luv and many kisses...<mwah>
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxo
meteast

[rupertbare]

Oh Huney(((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))!!!!!

What rotten luck!!

And what a pickle to find youself in.

All I would suggest is that you talk to your "rock" - explain that the shouting is not enabling you to concentrate on your college work or your commisions.
Explain it calmly, gently and with love in your heart at the time. You are not asking him to leave now that he has "seen you through" a phase of your life. You just want your space back so that you can "get on" with your life - to create!!! And, of course, thank him for his help and support and love and re-assure him that the reason for wanting him to leave is only to enable you to do so.

If he had nowhere else to go to to live it would be much more of a problem for you emotionally - but this isn't the case here - he has a home of his own to go to.

As for the brat - he's 11 - they're all brats at that age!!
I take from what you say that he is a single dad - well to be frank - the kids behaviour is his, and only his, concern.

And, as you point out, this is causing you unhappy and unhelpful memories. You really, really don't need THAT!!!

Well dearest friend, that's my :2cents: - don't know is it helps you at all.

with love and hugs
your mate in London

Rupe :)

[sailorashore]

Huney, darlin~~
It sounds to me as though you already know what you have to do, but you're having difficulty working your way up to it. Yes, it's true, you love him like a brother and would never want to do anything to hurt him--but his prolonged presence, and especially that of his son, is seriously threatening your treasured friendship. He must know that this is happening, you cannot hide the signs of that kind of stress. He probably hates it, too, but doesn't feel any pressure to resolve the situation. I can relate--at various times I have been on both sides of this struggle, and know what an awful bind it is.
I don't know enough to tell you what you should do, but can only offer my own experience. Once, years ago, when I was "stuck" at the home of a true friend (for what was supposed to be a short stay while I regrouped, but had stretched to several weeks) his wife came to me and explained that, while Peter would never have the heart to put me out, my continued presence was placing a heavy strain on everyone in the house, and that if I wished to preserve our friendship for the future, I needed to start thinking about moving on. I had known this, of course, all along, but had put it to the back of my mind while I tried to deal with other stuff. When called upon to acknowledge it, however, I realized immediately how important the issue had become and made preparations to get under way. It was just the little push I needed, and I was grateful in retrospect.
I don't know if this helps or not, but that's my :2cents:
Good luck, darlin, and know your friends are here for you. Love,
sailor

[dmb_fan_always]

I'd like to concur with what's already been said. You need to talk to your friend, not necessarily to tell him to leave, but let him know the stress you are under and why it is important to you to have a certain type of atmosphere. From what you've said about him, he should know YOU and know what you need and understand it! This way you're not hurting him by asking him to leave, but explaining what kind of environment you need and he can think about if he can adjust it or if he needs to move on. Best of luck!!!!!

[csrakate]

Huney,
It is admirable that you have such a wonderful, reciprocal relationship with your friend. You have both been there for one another and you have done more than most folks would by taking him in as well as his son. But if this relationship is truly reciprocal, then the time has come for him to give back to you and he can do so by making other arrangements for himself and for his son.

We all want to be there for our friends and sometimes we sacrifice a little of ourselves in order to do so. But there also comes a time when we have to remember to do things for ourselves. Your life is at a very hectic pace right now. You are a very talented artist who needs her space in order to create. You are a college student who needs a little peace and quiet in order to complete her studies. And last but certainly not least, you are a single woman with needs of her own and one deserving of a little more privacy and a lot more space.

Sit down with your friend and tell him as honestly and as gently as you can that the time has come for him to make other arrangements. Talk it over and together set a time sufficient enough for him to make those arrangements and STICK to that schedule. If he is half the friend that you say he is, I promise you that he will understand.

You are indeed a wonderful and giving friend Huney and I applaud you for the generosity that you have extended to your "rock"...but please, don't forget to be generous to yourself as well.

Hugs,
Kate

[Lisa (va)]

Talking is always a good place to start. I agree with 'fan' , it is not necessarily to ask him to leave ( at least not right off) but to discuss the situation at hand. Air your concerns and frustrations to him, but at the same time understand difficulties (financial, etc. ), maybe he needs the 'rock' at the moment. Work with him to help him overcome whatever problem it is that keeps him staying there, and work out a plan to rectify the situation that is mutually advantageous to both of you. As far as his son, you can love him as you will, but he is still his fathers' responsibility as Ruper said.
Talking may not solve the problem immediately, but at least the two of you will be on the same page on the good and bad side of the current living arrangements.

I wish you (and) him the best of luck and a continueing friendship.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[allbimyself]

Aww, huney, hate to hear this.

I agree with whats been said so far. You don't have to ask him to leave, but you DO need to talk to him. You can do it. Your post here was clear, and you can be just as clear to him. Start out with the things you mentioned last here. Tell him how much you appreciate his friendship and what he's done for you. Only then explain why the current situation is unacceptable.

Once that's done, if he's as good and intelligent a person as I know you to be, I'm sure a mutually satisfactory resolution can be agreed upon.

Good Luck, Hugs and Wet Kisses,


Allbi

[csrakate]

I guess I sounded rather harsh by comparison with the rest of the advice given by suggesting that Huney get her friend and his son to move out, but given the nature of any child of that age, good intentions to keep things low key are limited at best. Having raised two boys myself, this child is getting ready to enter puberty and as any healthy child of that age, is going to become more and more confrontational as he begins to assert his own independence. It's a natural rite of passage...it's what makes them the healthy and self assured adult that we all want them to be. But chances are, there will be continued shouting matches from time to time, especially if he is already spoiled, lazy and sloppy as Huney describes him. Kids at this age are very difficult to love at times and for a non-parent, it can be next to impossible. I just think that Huney needs to change this situation for her own well being and to put herself first while she is trying so desperately to make a life of her own.

Of course, I have never been in this situtation myself and I am sure it is easier said than done. Truly good friends are few and far between and to knowingly ask for something that may hurt them would certainly be hard to do.

Hugs,
Kate

[huneypot]

ty ty ty all so much
I set about taking the matter into hand..
was going to gently approach the situation and let him know my needs..
he is firey and i was prepared for a blow up no matter how gently i approached the situation, i hoped that i would get throught to him, and was reasonably confident but very nervous.
so anyway down i sat with him and said "we need to talk"..
ow tg he said, ive reached rock bottom in my life, im at my wits end, i dont know what to do anymore, etc,etc,etc,etc
so i lost my nerve and didnt say anything..
He needs me now, as I have needed him in the past..
i somehow have to find a balance betwwen supporting him and having a happy content home myself...and im still at a loss, i know talk is the answer i suppose.....but what comprimise can we make?...i know no matter how gentle i am it will be the last straw for him.
Im worried about how low he is and have suggestred the doctor to him, which he is thinking about.
Just hope i dont kill his son b4 things change :(
damn situation, shessshhhhhhh
:(
ty all so much
please keep the advice coming, its helping so much
ty ty ty

[allbimyself]

Huney,

Since I don't know this person, it's impossible to be sure, but it certainly sounds like he pressed some buttons. Unless he's totally clueless, he had to see this coming and was probably prepared to head you off, which is exactly what he did.

He needs to get his act together, sweetie, and he needs some tough love to get started doing that. The more you let him slide, the more you are enabling him...

I may be wrong, but when you said "... it may be the last straw for him" I heard my own voice. I said that about my ex often enough.

Love ya huney cunny,

allbi

[rupertbare]

(((((((((Huney)))))))))))

OK - I'm going to be very unlike me here.

Kate thought that she was being "harsh" with her advice.
And I totally disagree!!

This guy is NOT going to be homeless (unlike me!!! lol!! :) )
He HAS somewhere else to go.

HIS financial worries are just THAT - HIS!! NOT yours and it is extremely unfair of him to let you worry about it.

And, I don't know him or how your relationship is, but I wonder - is he looking for a "mum" for his kid?
Does he have a "thing" for you? It may be left unsaid - but is it possible?

And, my dearest Huney, as I said before - his shouting at his kids and vise versa - is damaging to you - yes damaging - it is stirring old, painful memories for you. And that too is unfair!!

And, finally, and as I said in my first reply, YOU have your college work and you commisions - and let's honest about this - most artists would love to GET commissions!! And this situation is distracting you, and that, also, is UNFAIR.

So, my love (Brit saying - not to be mis-understood by our north American cousins), stop being a door mat - he is using you!! He is being extremely unfair to you and these are NOT, I repeat not, the actions of some one who truly loves you as a friend.

So Huney thats my second :2cents: worth.
I make no apology for my harshness - I am bloody mad at the guy.

So dear friend - put YOU first for a change!!!!
Go - create!!!!
And kick the git out!!!

this is written with love

Ron :)

[texasman6172003]

Hi Huney,I hope evreything works out for you. If your friend truly is your friend he will gladly listen to what you have to say. So good luck with all of this.. Love,,,, Charles,,,,Tex....

[meteast chick]

Well, Rupe, the door mat saying is not limited to the Brits, dahling!

I've already said my piece, but babe, what I didn't say is how very sorry I feel for you. If you are concerned about his mental health, does he have any family or other friends that could be of help? What about this child's mum? Grandparents? I would not suggest writing him a note. He needs the decency of a face-to-face discussion, and you deserve an apology. If he is that worked up, he knows what is happening. He absolutely headed you off early and made you feel worse than you already did. For your own sanity, talk to the man! If he is any real friend, he won't feel that you are abandoning him.

Huney bunny, good luck, and have a Happy St. Pat's Day!
((((((((((((((((((((((((Huneypot)))))))))))))))))) ))))))
meteast

[rupertbare]

so anyway down i sat with him and said "we need to talk"..
ow tg he said, ive reached rock bottom in my life, im at my wits end, i dont know what to do anymore, etc,etc,etc,etc
so i lost my nerve and didnt say anything..
He needs me now, as I have needed him in the past..


Huney, Huney, Huney - this guy is playing you for a mug!!!!

He bloody well knew why you wanted to talk!!!!!

PLEASE!!!

Listen to what a few of us are saying to you here - you know me well enough by now - you know what I am like and how I think and go about things

and I am telling you this again

KICK HIM OUT!!!!!

I'm sorry, love, but this is gonna get out of hand and you are gonna screw up college and lose you commissions.

And please understand Huney, that if I sound hard - it is only because I have you best interest at heart!!

SO!!! Be strong, Be firm!!!
You do have it within you, and by putting up this thread, you know that this is what you HAVE to do!!!!

((((((((Huney)))))))

with love from the old git in London

Ron :)
and see I even use my real name for you on this one!! no Rupe!!!! I don't do that very often!! :)

[Eddie altamonte]

Sweetie this is YOUR HOME we are talking about as such if he want to share your home it has to be under your provisions. You are not asking him to put his son up for adoption or ur gonna kick him out in the cold winter streets on a different note if u are not able to be totally honest with him you are the one that is hurting the friendship. Sit down and have a real open-hearted conversation...Lay out all the cards. Let him know as a father he needs to to act towards what is best for his son and at the present moment staying there with you doesn't appear good for anyone unless he could guarentee changes to happen. Have him make a decision by presenting a bullit pointed list of what is expected of him and in the same manner his son if they want to continue extending their stay in YOUR HOME Discuss if he feels that can be achieved assure him that if that is not the case you will do as much as you can to help them find another place they can call home...That is just what they need is a place that is their own home. You can disarm him first by letting him know that you are aware that he may feel angry but that if he really thinks about this present arrangement is not good for his son and is not good for him either
wish u the best

[Nara_lovely]

How does the saying go..."Friends say what you NEED to hear!"

A gentle push from a friend done with love, is not easy for either...but it NEEDS to be done.

It's OK for your needs to be met too. Do you have a 'third party' friend who can be there to support, back you up, step in if the discussion goes badly...someone who isn't emotionally involved to the house situation?


Nara :flag3:

[huneypot]

Great news my friends,

i listened very carefully to all the great advise that u all gave,
i thought about it for a long time.

I approached my friend when the brat was away.
I spent a lot of time on "him" and his problems and we tried to figure out solutions for him,
THEN, I said, I need to talk too,
I just went for it and spilled it all out.
He was very upset and angry at first.
But, we discussed the situation for about 3 hours (damn it was exhausting).
He IS going to mive into his own house and we have agreed that this is the best for our friendship as i was becoming more and more distant with him, and he had noticed that.
So over the next week he will move in to his new house.
Im a bit of a scaredy cat, and found this a very difficult thing to do.
Also there was a deep element in me of fear of living completely alone,
But I think with time this will be the best thing for me.

Without all the advice i recieved here, I would not have had the guts to confront the problem and resolve it,
I feel that it is so great to be able to post something like this, get differant opinions and advice.
Sometimes it makes u see whats right in front of ur eyes but u are afraid to admit that.

So i thank you all for taking the time to respond and give ur help and advice.
It helped me to resolve the issue and now the problem is gone, amazing eh.

so hugs to all
and thank you again

:bigrin: :bigrin: :bigrin:

Huney
xxx
xx
x
:bigrin:

[meteast chick]

Huney, you literally brought tears to my eyes.
I am so very proud of you for seeking help
and exercising your options.

From what I've seen you are a truly talent artist, and as an artistic type myself, I can most definately tell you that alone time is VITAL.
I have never lived alone, so I can't tell you everything will be fine,
but I can tell you that you have done the right thing for you.

You know you can count on your 'rock' for being there whenever you need him, just as you have and will be there for him.

Much luv and kisses
xoxoxo
meteast