Bi with my girl.

[texassumner]

I am a male, age 24, and have been with my girlfriend for five years now. She lives at home with her parents and has been raised in a religious manner. With this in mind, I have been bringing out her sexual side along with mine for the past few years. We experiment various ways sexually and are very open regarding experiences, fantasies, and the like.

I have recently opened up to her about my bicurious feelings. I am madly in love with her, but sometimes fantasize about being with her and another man. At first, she cried and freaked out thinking I was going to leave her (or that I didn't love her). After a long talk, she understood and told me she had masturbated about other women. She has no desire to be with another women sexually, and gets turned off seeing two men together. I thought watching bisexual movies or reading stories would arrouse her, but it does just the opposite. I am rather bummed at that fact that she does enjoy it the least bit.

This rather complicates things, as I would like to tell her more about my bisexual side. Whenever I bring it up, she doesn't really care to hear about it.
The other week, I had told her about an gay experience I had when I was younger. I had never told anyone, but she said it was alright. I was a kid and people always experiment with life when they are young. It mad me feel better, but I wish I could be more open with her.

I believe she still fears me leaving her, yet she understands I am interested in the male experience only sexually. What should I do? I wish she would get turned on the slight bit.

[gayle]

I have my doubts that you are going to be able to change what turns on or doesn't turn on your girlfriend. As you probably know, I have a bi boyfriend. He'd love it if I were truly bi. I'm not. Yes, there is one woman who has sparked a certain interest in me, but this is the exception and not the norm for me.
I come from a strong religious background and that makes a lot of what I've experienced lately -- well, forbidden. It is difficult sometimes to share in experiences with my bf when my upbringing says "these things are wrong." You say your girlfriend is from a religious home. It sounds like she has been willing to experiment with you to some degree, but that she is not "turned on" by the thought of watching you with another man. Her religious upbringing probably tells her that this is "wrong" or "sinful" and it could be very difficult for her to imagine that she'd want to watch you with another man.
Also, just to address this as a woman --- there is a big difference between men and women. I'm not just talking about our physical appearance and sexual organs. Most (not all) men fantasize about 3somes and such, about watching 2 women together, etc. Most women fantasize about having a single lover who seeks to meet her needs emotionally, physically, sexually. Most men are very visual, turned on by seeing things. For a lot of women, you've got to make an emotional connection with us, there needs to be a sense of closeness or intimacy in order for us to feel sexual desire.
It sounds to me like your girlfriend probably isn't going to be comfortable with the idea of you having sex with another man. The question for you is whether or not you can accept this. Can you accept that she is unlikely to be open to the idea of you having bi experiences with another man? She might be willing to accept something from your past and to move ahead in your relationship, but find it difficult to accept it if you choose to pursue sexual activity with a man now. This is probably going to be a "moral" decision on her part.
I understand that you feel you love her and you are disappointed that she doesn't want to watch you with another man. The thing is that she probably will find it very difficult to move past her religious upbringing when it comes to the thought of you being intimate with another man. At best, she is likely to be ambivalent about it. She might be willing to watch you with another man (although it seems unlikely), but if she is, it is very likely she would do so only with the hopes of pleasing you (and possibly with the hope that you'd find the experience disappointing & choose not to repeat it), but not because she finds the idea to be one that turns her on sexually.
I'm going to be very honest here (why not?) and say I have no fantasy of watching my bf with another man. :( He has fantasies of me watching him with another man. :male: Now, this is NOT to say that I will not watch him with another man, but IF I DO it will only be because I want to please him and not because the idea turns me on. It doesn't turn me on at all. I'll even admit to a double standard. He doesn't have a problem with me having sex with another man (and I've only done it with his explicit permission, encouragement and with him in the room), but I have BIG PROBLEMS with the idea of HIM having sex with anyone but me. Call it jealousy or whatever you want, but I don't want him having sex with others. It's that simple and complex.
Can your relationship work despite the difference in your fantasies? That's something only you & she can decide. If she is completely opposed to you having sex with another man, can you give it up? Is she worth it to you, to give up something you enjoy in order to be with her? My bf and I face these decisions on a regular basis. It's not always easy. :2cents:
Good luck.

[wellred]

You ask what you should do....

Gayle provides valuable insight from the perspective of a woman in a similar situation to your girlfriend.

My perspective is as a male that has learned the I cannot expect others to fulfill all of my needs. My wife is a very loving, giving person; yet, I have learned to honor her boundaries and cherish who she is, as she is. Those needs of mine that are not compatible with hers must be addressed in ways that do not infringe upon her intergrity or the richness of our relationship.

If you love this woman, you need to listen carefully to her needs and fulfill them if you can. She needs your love, your understanding, your assurance and support.

You must decide how to deal with your bisexuality...in a way that does not put the burden on her. Being honest to purely make yourself feel better is not always fair to your partner.

Bisexuality gives us an increased depth of opportunities; yet also carries the added responsibility of crafting our relationships with immense care.

Best wishes and know there are others, in very similar situations, willing to support you along the way.

- Red

[Brian]

Wow, some great thoughts there Gayle. Thanks so much for sharing.

I've been thinking about your situation Texas, unsure what to say - so I'm glad Gayle said so much that makes sense.

The one thing I would like to add is that perhaps time is your friend here. What I mean is I wonder if you and your gf continue to slowly explore and discuss your bisexual side, that things might work themselves out. I have heard (here on bisexual.com and elsewhere) of so many M/F couples who have worked out the fact that one of them is bi and come to a mutual agreement and understanding. When in Las Vegas in April at the Bi Men Weekend I remember one fellow from Ottawa who explained that his wife was also bi and the two of them had an understanding - that each could have sex with a person of the same sex, but not with a person of the opposite sex, that would be cheating. It was a mutual understanding that worked. There were also many guys there who's wives knew they were bi and approved of them having (safe!) sex with other guys - she understood that it was just sex, nothing more.

Also religious teaching is hard to undo quickly, but does happen given enough time. Over time I wonder if your gf will come to realize that what she has been taught about God and sex is just one narrow interpretation of the bible.

So what I am saying is... give it time if you can. I think time is your friend here. :cowboy:

- Drew :paw:

crosspost: Red's post is also good advice IMO. Thanks Red.

[dexter]

Ok, here are my thoughts after a life-time (40+ years) as a bisexual male:

You are in for a rough life.

It is the hardest thing in the world to be bi. Your girlfriend is being honest with you in letting you know that two men having sex with or without her is not a turn-on. You are being honest in knowing that such activity is a turn-on to you.

Now, it seems to me that you have two or three options.

One, find a girlfriend who is turned-on by men having sex together. Women such as this are rare.

Two, live, like most of us who are married bisexuals, a double life. Your wife thinks you're straight and is happy with you; you know you're bi and satisfy those urges in a variety of ways. This is extremely hard to do for a variety of reasons (you could get caught easily; you might contract an STD; etc.), not the least of which is the guilt and pressure of living a double life with someone whom you love dearly

Three, Not get married and be content with "relationships" and/or encounters with men and women.

You must keep the long-term in mind. When you are 45 or even 55 you will still have bisexual urges; they won't diminish. How will you, and your spouse, handle that?

I don't envy you. Many of us have "been there." All I can do is wish you the best of luck.

I live with option two. It's hard and I hate having to live like this. But I am very careful and I am used to this tension in my life. Still, I live in fear that at any given moment I might be found-out by my spouse and a long and happy marriage come to an end and my best friend justly feel betrayed.

I've enjoyed my bisexuality over the years. But it would have been a whole lot easier, I think, to have been either straight or gay.

Good luck.

[Brian]

Ok, here are my thoughts after a life-time (40+ years) as a bisexual male:

You are in for a rough life.

It is the hardest thing in the world to be bi. Your girlfriend is being honest with you in letting you know that two men having sex with or without her is not a turn-on. You are being honest in knowing that such activity is a turn-on to you.

Now, it seems to me that you have two or three options.

One, find a girlfriend who is turned-on by men having sex together. Women such as this are rare.

Two, live, like most of us who are married bisexuals, a double life. Your wife thinks you're straight and is happy with you; you know you're bi and satisfy those urges in a variety of ways. This is extremely hard to do for a variety of reasons (you could get caught easily; you might contract an STD; etc.), not the least of which is the guilt and pressure of living a double life with someone whom you love dearly

Three, Not get married and be content with "relationships" and/or encounters with men and women.

You must keep the long-term in mind. When you are 45 or even 55 you will still have bisexual urges; they won't diminish. How will you, and your spouse, handle that?

I don't envy you. Many of us have "been there." All I can do is wish you the best of luck.

I live with option two. It's hard and I hate having to live like this. But I am very careful and I am used to this tension in my life. Still, I live in fear that at any given moment I might be found-out by my spouse and a long and happy marriage come to an end and my best friend justly feel betrayed.

I've enjoyed my bisexuality over the years. But it would have been a whole lot easier, I think, to have been either straight or gay.

Good luck. I really like your advice Dexter. It's honest, straight-forward and doesn't pull any punches.

Thanks very much for adding your perspective and experience.

- Drew :paw: