Love Triangle - I'm in Need of Advice

[Karasel]

I have found myself in one pickle of a situation. I have this friend that I've known for years, him and I have been engaged and is now "friends-with-benefits," because he feels that he does not deserve me but still wants to be with me in a non-committed since.

He is now engaged to another friend of mine, we still kept our "friends with benefits" title because he said he talked to her and she was fine with all of this.

Only just recently I discovered that that was a lie and she has no idea. I want to tell her about this so badly, but I can't. The guy in this said discussion is away with the Marines right now, I don't know when he'll be back. And I really don't want to ruin her life like this and then make her wait weeks/months before she can even yell at her possible future husband face to face. With what I just did to her, it's the least I can do to think about her feelings now.. I know she'll be furious with me about this and I know her anger will be that ten fold with her fiance. But to tell her this now and then make her wait months before she can even see him about this, would just be a cruel thing for me to do.

The guilt would be easier for me to deal with if she wasn't a friend of mine, this is feels like double betrayal to me. I almost vomited this morning with she sent me a picture of a rose to my phone saying "just wanted to make sure you start your morning with a rose that's a special as you."

What am I supposed to do?

[tenni]

The most dominant question in my mind is what good/benefit would it be for her to tell her now?

I suspect that this is about your guilt, feelings of betrayal, and wanting to reduce your own stress. If you were engaged to this guy, I would guess that your woman friend knows that you had sex with him. Whether she knew that you were having "friends with benefit" after you ended your engagement may be an issue. As far as having friends with benefits once he became involved with her, I see no benefit in telling her unless you suspect that he is doing this with other women as well.

Let things unfold between them and step out of his life completely...or as completely as you can. Reduce your contact with this woman friend as well but remain cordially friendly but not a lot of socializing with her. Become busy with other aspects of your life. You need to get out of their lives and move on with your own life. Let them resolve this issue as it will not help her presently to tell her anything about the friends with benefit agreement. If when he returns you are still guilt ridden and decide to tell her, you will lose both friendships anyway.

[Karasel]

Well, the guy has always been a man whore and can't help himself but to cheat. She knows this, I know this. But she doesn't want him to by with anyone but her, she even devised a weak plan to test him, which he passed because it was so transparent of what it really was... A test to see if he would be faithful.

The guy is bisexual and he never had his mind set of being in the monogamous relationship that he promised my friend... Admitting to me and other random friends that he has had sex with fellow military members outside of base.

I believe my female friend deserves better than what he is offering her. I may lose her friendship and I may not. We've all been childhood friends and had fights similar (but not equal) to this.

This is a confusing state of affairs.

[rissababynta]

If it was me, I would just tell her now so she can have plenty of time without him being around to really sort out how she feels about it and cool off before making any rash decisions. By the time he came back, she would probably have a good, calm, collected way of how she wanted to go about it because she had the time on her own to think.

But that's just me.

[Karasel]

She's very emotional and her fiance has restricted communication. He calls both me and her. I know that if I tell her this now, he will call her a day or two later and she will blow up.

If anything I want to give her the luxury of being able to talk to him in person rather through phone.

[nbboy1123]

After reading your story a part of me feels that perhaps you aren't the "only one" he is cheating with? You said that he's a man whore, which leads me to believe that you are one of many he cheats with on his wife. Best thing you can do, if you want to remain neutral yet do something, so stop contact with him, distance yourself to her when he's around, and let some other girl make the whole thing blow up in his face.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, if you know he has a fiance' then why are you still having relations with him? And just because He says shes ok with it, you yourself said he's a man-whore. Does she even know that he's messing around with you? If he is already taken, and by a friend of yours yet, why not tell him the free ride is over, that you are tired of feeling such guilt over being the other stand-by woman?

If this relationship came about Before he got with her, then that's a different story, thats past history, but if you continue this, its not right on her....and you. He's playing you both, and you girls ought to get smart and let him know it wont be tolerated.
My advice is wait until he is close to coming home before telling her tho. Otherwise she may blow up on him lil butt. But if ya'll wait and talk to him when he gets home, you'll be better off.
My advice is kick that one to the curb and find someone who will deserve you. :}
Cat

[eddy10]

I agree with the others, break it off with him. As far as telling her, that is another matter. Only you can judge. It could backfire on you. You might better leave a sleeping dog lie for now. You said she knows his inclinations. Let her make up her own mind, unless you see that she is headed for a complete disaster, like planning to marry.

[TwylaTwobits]

I have found myself in one pickle of a situation. I have this friend that I've known for years, him and I have been engaged and is now "friends-with-benefits," because he feels that he does not deserve me but still wants to be with me in a non-committed since.

He is now engaged to another friend of mine, we still kept our "friends with benefits" title because he said he talked to her and she was fine with all of this.

Only just recently I discovered that that was a lie and she has no idea. I want to tell her about this so badly, but I can't. The guy in this said discussion is away with the Marines right now, I don't know when he'll be back. And I really don't want to ruin her life like this and then make her wait weeks/months before she can even yell at her possible future husband face to face. With what I just did to her, it's the least I can do to think about her feelings now.. I know she'll be furious with me about this and I know her anger will be that ten fold with her fiance. But to tell her this now and then make her wait months before she can even see him about this, would just be a cruel thing for me to do.

The guilt would be easier for me to deal with if she wasn't a friend of mine, this is feels like double betrayal to me. I almost vomited this morning with she sent me a picture of a rose to my phone saying "just wanted to make sure you start your morning with a rose that's a special as you."

What am I supposed to do?


Honey you have more than one issue here. He's not just a man whore he's a liar. You didn't say how you found out that she didn't know. Just tell him it's over when he calls you next. Say nothing to the friend until he's home. Then both of you can find someone better.

[Karasel]

We've made this agreement long before him and my friend got together. I was lead to believed that he talked to her about it and she was fine with it. But I was talking to her a few days and she said she couldn't handle him being with anyone else, even her friends. She wouldn't have said that if she did know.

I'm thinking about waiting until he gets back home and talk to him about it. He may would want to tell her himself. I do believe that he has been with other people, just that I'm the only consistent one he cheats with.. I think anyway, which doesn't really make much of a difference.

I feel she has a right to know since their whole relationship is basically a lie. I feel my friend is heading for disaster, she has her heart set on marring this guy. It will end disastrously.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Never assume AnyThing Babygirl. He's a liar, a cheat and wants everything His way. And the bad thing is, he's made you the same way and that isnt right nor fair on you, Or his lady. Kick that one to the curb Now. There's no future with a person who is like this...for you or for her. You may lose a friend but you may save her a life of hell too. She'll be mad for a while, then perhaps come around to seeing what you've told her is true. If she's your friend, she'll see what's truth and what's a game playing asshole....
Cat

[Darkside2009]

Well, I think if you are old enough to get yourself into trouble, you are old enough to get yourself out of it.

But since you've asked... He said, she said is a recipe for disaster. You should have checked with her directly if she minded you having sex with her fiance, as soon as you knew they were both an item.

You don't state if he is in a war zone, but if he is, he doesn't need any distractions back home that could compromise his safety or the safety of his comrades.

He does not need his mind to be on problems back home when he is out on patrol, he needs all his wits about him, and his full attention on what he is doing to keep himself and his comrades safe from harm.

There will be plenty of time to row with him when he gets home. In the meantime I would edge him out of your life. If he calls keep the conversation on a friends only basis and make it clear the sexual relationship is over with you and he should concentrate on his fiance.

Personally, I detest liars, I can't abide them near me, so I'd be more careful in future about my choice of friends.

When he does come home I would not agree to meet him without her being present. That will make it clear the free ride is over.

You're still young and inexperienced, but you really should be making better choices for yourself than this.

In the meantime, the guilt is yours, created by you, I suggest you carry it and not unburden yourself on your girlfriend. She sounds the innocent party in this and deserves better friends than both of you have been to her.