gay guys on dating bi guys?

[nejimakidori]

Hey all,

To preface:

I'm new here, have been browsing the forum for a little while, and finally decided to just join and post myself. I'm having an issue that I find to be bothering me a whole lot. I'm queer, very very very very comfortable with my own sexuality, and have no prejudices at all when it comes to sexuality. I believe in fluidity, etc, and see sexuality as being one of the most complicated things ever. I've lately been thinking about having sex with a woman just out of experimentation and pure fun, but I still know deep inside that I could never fall in love with a woman and wouldn't be turned on in the same way even if we had sex.

I've been dating an amazing boy for almost three months (which I know isn't too long, but I'm one for long-long-term relationships, so I see this lasting years). When we met, he identified as straight, and was hooking up with a girl who lived near him. (He later told me they never had penetrative sex, but hasn't ever mentioned what they did do.) One day we kissed and then started to do more, and it got really complicated. After a few weeks he realized he might be bisexual and we entered a very serious relationship. Now he's absolutely certain of his bisexuality, and I never suspected he might "simply be gay" or anything like that.

Issue:

I don't know why, but I'm struggling with his bisexuality. I have many ideas for what the root of it all may be, but nothing is making me feel better:

1) His attraction for women is something I cannot connect to, because I just don't share it, and I feel distanced from him in that way. Being gay, I've always taken it for granted that I share sexual attraction with my partner, and this is confusing for me.

2) He harbors an attraction for physical body parts I just don't have. I don't wish I had breasts or a vagina, but sometimes I just feel like I can never turn him on the same way breasts might. Of course one could argue that my body would still not attract him in the same way another man's body might, but somehow that just doesn't do it for me. There's this inevitable connection between heterosexual male sexuality and breasts that is a whole other story, what with women being presented as sexual objects all around the world. On a daily basis we run into the stupid media putting boobs out everywhere for everyone (but mainly straight men) to see and be sexually aroused by, and while I purely see this from a male feminist perspective, feeling that it is wrong to objectify women or anyone like that, there's no hiding that those same breasts might arouse him like a half nude male might arouse me.

3) We don't connect over the fact that, growing up, I could never identify with straight relationships in the media, and thus grew up with a completely skewed idea of sex and romance.

4) The idea of him being aroused by women connects him to this world of "straight" men that I've always been afraid of. He can chat with his buddies about hot women, or feel comfortable among men, while I always felt like I didn't belong. Whenever one of his straight friends says hi to him, I can feel him becoming slightly more masculine in tone, and feel uncomfortable.

5) I wish I understood what it was like to be bisexual, and sometimes wish I was bisexual. I feel like bisexuality (or pansexuality, for those who don't believe in the gender binary) is so liberating, and only brings so much love to the world, and wish I could love everyone in the same way, and not just men.

I've been berated by images of him with women lately, including the girl he was with when we first met and became friends, and I would really just love it if they all went away. I love him so, so, so much and want to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work, because everything besides this stupid little blip in my head (I'm not blaming him for it in any way whatsoever) is going so great for us. :(

Please give me some advise if you can, I am such a fighter for queer (I use queer to mean any sexual orientation other than hetersexual) rights and social issues that it bothers me so, so much that I'm having trouble with someone's sexuality. I love him so much...

Thanks <3

James

[roy m cox]

well i can tell you that my boyfriend who iv been dating now for more than 2yrs still loves me very very much and wants me to have a girlfriend to and he doesn't have any problem with it and he is 100% GAY ,, you just need to be more open minded to it and love him just the same:male:

im very sure he will always love you very much any way :2cents:

[peterock]

This is a really interesting thread.

I don't think you need to be ok with him having a girlfriend, some people dont feel comfortable sharing their mate in that way, and if its gonna tear you up inside its better not agree to something like that in the first place.

I do however think that you just need to relax and accept this as a chance for you to grow as a person/lover. If you think about it, the situation that you're facing is the inverse to a woman who's husband is bi; she may also feel unable to completely satisfy him since she can never have a penis.

If you guys have an emotional foundation to your relationship i don't think its gonna end because you don't have breast.

Just my two cents.

[elian]

I appreciate your honesty, a lot of gay guys would hide behind their fears and be angry - you are trying to work through what you are feeling. Your feelings seem to be similar to those of a straight spouse who learns that their partner likes someone of the same sex.

In terms of your request to be bi, a lot of people joke and say "That just means you double your chances for a date" and I have always found that to be a cruel interpretation. If you don't have a crystal clear idea of who you are as a person and what you want sexually and romantically being bisexual is one of the most confusing situations you could face.

For a very long time I wanted to prove to myself that I was either gay or straight, thinking that if I could figure that out I could finally lay to rest the idea of whether I should be married and raise a family. if I got married and raised a family, would it be fair to my wife to know I had these desires? Was my desire to love a man THAT strong, or not?

But what do you do when you can think about penis for two weeks and all you want is penis, and then you think about a certain lady and you find you have the same feelings for that person as well?

All that I've figured out so far is that life is not black and white and I've decided to elevate my thinking beyond lust - as you say - logically what this means is that I can love someone for more than simply what is between the legs.

This site has shown me that there are people who are accepting of bisexuals, even in close partnered relationships..and that it can indeed be a struggle to make it work when you have to "share" with someone else but there are some folks who have made it work (not everyone can do that). In most of what I've read here, honest communication seems to be the key - although incredibly painful at times.

I think honest communication means that people speak frankly with open ears, with love instead of threatening language and sometimes you may not like the answer you hear. Honest communication means you think at least as much as you speak and it requires introspection and a willingness to listen on the part of everyone involved.

[elian]

..and I agree with peterock, if there is more than simple lust to your relationship hopefully your friend loves you for who you are as a whole person, so it won't matter that you don't have breasts.

Is he still seeing the girl? If not, maybe he has decided that he loves you instead. I don't think you'll ever get rid of his POTENTIAL desire to be with a woman just like he could never get rid of that feeling you might get when you see a a certain other guy walk down the street. However the situation is a lot like any other relationship, if you love someone enough and you WANT to be in a committed partnership then cheating on your partner isn't an option - you know who you REALLY love and who you come home to every night.

If you want this to be a serious relationship and you have doubts then I would find a way to talk through these questions as honestly as you can without intentionally hurting each other..

[Karasel]

I've dated gay women before and was lucky enough that they didn't have the same problem you did.

However, my best friend who is a bi male has had tons of problems with dating gay men, that he now only dates women or other bi men.. mostly women now.

The relationships he had with gay men always seemed to get very complicated because of his additional love of women. Granted some were his fault and some was the fault of the guy he was dating at the time.

The main problem that always ruined those relationships for him, was the gay guy had trouble coping with the fact that they are with someone who also likes a different gender. He felt they didn't know what to do with that, because they didn't know how to compete with that and feared that he would cheat or leave them for someone of a different gender.. Which is a real fear, and could happen.. But the scenario is the exact same if, no matter the gender.

I read how you believe that sexuality is a complicated thing, and that is very true. My advise is to always remember that sexuality is very complicated and don't feel inadequate because you aren't a women, that is something that you cannot control.

Just love him for him, and remember communication is key.

[Donkey_burger]

Just out of curiosity, does your boyfriend know about your thoughts on bisexuality?

Maybe some short/mid-term couples or individual counseling may be in order; I'm not trying to imply at all that this is "abnormal" or that it can indicate mental illness, but it might be nice to talk to somebody who is trained in psychology if you feel chronically uneasy or anxious about something.

DB :bipride:

[elian]

I hadn't thought of that DB, but it brings up another lesson it took me a while to learn. Learn to love and accept yourself first before you can love other people in a healthy way. Don't know if this even applies to the original post - but advice is cheap so..

[tenni]

Ah QL but the OP gay man is pondering about having sex with a woman. Blows you case dude...lol (in a certain non literal way)

I would suggest to the OP that he consider his reasons why he wants to explore having sex with a woman. if it is to keep his man, then it may not work. You may also want to explore having a threesome with your lover and a woman. You could start off as an observer if you are comfortable enough move to touch and see how it goes. On the other hand, if your reasons are about feeling secure with your lover and you have no strong desire to explore bisexuality, it may be best for you to develop a more monogomous relationship with your lover. Build the trust as others have stated (more or less).


Perhaps you should eat a lotus flower or smoke less pot but your words are pointless since gay men only fall in love with and are only sexually attracted to other men and like the OP wrote many do feel threatened by heterosexuality, do not understand it in the slightest, and the idea that "it doesn't matter what genitals or parts you or your partner have you love that person" are pointless and is offensive to gay men.

It sounds like the whole "ex gay" bullshit that lots of Christians try to claim works when it does not at all.

nejimakidori-If he wanted a woman he'd be with a woman but instead he's with you and you're a man. Keep that in mind. Have you talked to him about anything that you posted?

[tenni]

I agree with you on this point. I read his OP again. He doesn't seem to want to be with a woman. His issue is that he may be experiencing fears of rejection if his partner decides he wants to be with a woman. Like others have posted, he may need to communicate with his lover about this.


The OP isn't even sexually attracted to women and he knows it and even admits that he wouldn't enjoy sex with women and wouldn't fall in love with a woman even if he did force himself as a gay man to have sex with a woman.

When it comes to cooze or just seeing a woman naked most gay men do not even want to do that and why should they? They're not bisexual and they are not heterosexual men.

[rissababynta]

The way I see it, not every straight couple is ok with the other messing around with another person whether it be female or male. It goes the same way, except a slightly different situation. When it comes right down to it, the main thing to do with situations like this is talk it out. Communication is key.

[nejimakidori]

Thanks to everyone who's commented so far, I really appreciate it. I just wanted to insert that he and I have talked about it throughout the whole process of us entering a relationship, and continue to talk about it now. I'm only worried about bringing the issue up too often with him; I don't want to annoy him or make him feel like I'm constantly putting his sexuality on the spot.

On another note, I really have no fears at this point of him being unfaithful or leaving me for a woman, he and I think very similarly about sex with respect to love and both agree sex with someone you don't love is just not tempting to either of us. So that's not really a problem either...

On the note about the threesome, like I said above, he doesn't really crave sex with anyone but me, but I have considered having an mmf threesome just because why not, it could just be some nice fun between nice people, but it probably won't ever happen because I think I'd feel uncomfortable seeing him with a woman. I'm not sure if I would feel the same way about seeing him with a man...I can't imagine it purely because I'm the only man he's ever been with. But part of me thinks that if we do have a threesome, I could see him with a woman, get over it, enjoy it with him, and then everything would be fine. :|

Again, thanks to all of you so much, I really appreciate this website and forum

[tenni]

Take your time. Learn to be relaxed and comfortable with him. You have only been in this relationship for three months. I think that it is a good idea not to bring it up too often. As far as a threesome with a woman, again take your time and don't rush it. Good luck!

[thatcher29]

nejimakidori, thanks for sharing with us. It's obviously a very complex and emotional subject and I sincerely wish we could give you some easy solutions, but as you probably know they probably don't exist. The fact that you and your boyfriend are expressing your love for each other and in close communication are grounds for a lot of optimism. Please understand you have our hopes and support and keep us informed.

[Donkey_burger]

Just out of curiosity, does your bf know about this website, and if so, is there a reason why he hasn't joined?

DB :bipride:

[citystyleguy]

...with all that is being said about the this and that, i am going back to the questions posited by the thread bearer, and as someone above said, there are no absolute answers to these questions, so i am going to speak from my experinces;

the thing that i read almost constantly here, as well as the general opinion that seems the common position, that bi's/pan's (utilize whatever label appeals to the reader, dont care for either really) are one thing this time and something another time, i.e. tonight i am gay and interested only in guys, and tomorrow after breakfast, i will be straight and only interested in girls, or some such versions of the previous.

b.s. to all that; i have stated here many times before, and will repeat it again! i am bi all the time, i.e. i focus on both simultanously and continually, and enjoy both all the time. you ask, huh!? when in the throws of passion with a guy, i am not looking for tits, whatever, but focusing on his kibbles and bits *(thanks for that, wanda) of my guy, as well as his heart, mind, and soul, and i am not looking or even thinking of any other; when with a women, and i can get her to focus on more than my ass, i am with her and her kibbles and bits, etc.! when people watching, i will gaze from one to the other, back to another of the same, onto another of a different persuasion and so on.

in my perfect world, i could seek a union with a women and a men (these are not mispellings nor bad grammer), in whatever combo worked; there is an animated site linked to this site i believe, that would be the perfect union if it were possible; but to do so, that evil part of humanity called jealousy would have to be driven from our hearts, and i do not think that is acheivable!

stop thinking of what he might be thinking, and if otherwise not proven, give him the benefit of the doubt; with all this agitation in your heart of hearts, it may just drive him away, and then where would you be? better yet, sit down and talk it over with him; all this torment is only going to feed the negative thoughts.

a group of friends and i almost achieved this possible "perfect world'', but gave it up to achieve what we thought was the real thing, only to learn that there is a lot of grey out there in life, and not whole lot of black and white!

may the gods bless in you in your search for a solution!