can you help me understand?

[disappointed]

Ok here is the question. I am married to a bisexual man. That is one of the things that I love about him the most. He has an air of freedom about him. We are both comfortable with our sexuality or I thought we were?
Lately he has become distant and is not interested in me sexually. I know he has been with men and that he is trying to keep it from me. What I don't know is why. He kind of gets defensive if I try to talk about it. Is he cheating on me or does he just need his own time? I feel very insecure and am having a hard time dealing with the change. I feel very lonely. What should I do it has been 4 months.
Sorry this is so long.
Any ideas how I can deal with this I am driving myself crazy.

[TwylaTwobits]

Being involved with a bisexual man is not the easiest thing to do. There are periods where sometimes all men just pull away sexually and it doesn't mean he's cheating on you, just means sex is not on his mind. Try talking to him but not in a way that is accusing him of cheating just about how you love him and why you love him. See if that might break the ice.

[wildwestgoob]

If in fact the two of you were completely open about the bisexuality early on in the relationship, then it should not be that difficult to open up a line of communications about it again.

(shouldn't)

I would just start by reminding him just what you told us.. that you love him for his bisexuality, and dont mind him playing, you just dont want him to be going behind your back to do it. Basically, ask if he is looking for some guy(s) to play with, or is he looking for someone as a replacement.

That is what it boils down to I think, but then that's just *me*....
That and $4 bucks will get you coffee in most places these days.

[wildwestgoob]

Being involved with a bisexual man is not the easiest thing to do. There are periods where sometimes all men just pull away sexually and it doesn't mean he's cheating on you, just means sex is not on his mind. Try talking to him but not in a way that is accusing him of cheating just about how you love him and why you love him. See if that might break the ice.

What she said...
:bigrin:

[Giggles100]

Sometimes.......... we go off sex :).

We are different that straight guys.... our brains are wired up differently anyway..... You just need to give it time and maybe woo him a little :).

That would work with me babes :bigrin:.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Or pounce on the man some night and give him a reminder that he Is "Bi"-sexual..lol
Cat

[void()]

Um, yep ... yep. We do go off into our little worlds at times. We are wired different for sure.

I go in spells regarding sex, with either the boyfriend or wife. Sometimes I just may be contemplating how to avoid further indigestion, make a better mouse trap. Can't say I keep secrets from wife or boyfriend, and definitely do not cheat on either. Cat has good suggestions. Sometimes you do need to remind us. (chuckle) We're human beings, too, you know?

[onewhocares]

Being involved with a bisexual man is not the easiest thing to do. There are periods where sometimes all men just pull away sexually and it doesn't mean he's cheating on you, just means sex is not on his mind. Try talking to him but not in a way that is accusing him of cheating just about how you love him and why you love him. See if that might break the ice.


DOUBLE DITTO

[bisexualman]

I will tell my wife to post. She might be able to give you some more insight.

We have gone through this. I have to emphasize the wiring thing. My inner world gets crazy sometimes. I get off in my own place sometimes. I also have moments when only a man will satisfy my sexual hunger and I find I am not much interested in my wife sexually. It does not mean I love my wife any less but I can see where it might feel like that. I try to find balance inside myself. Its hard. I really advise opening up communication. I feel so lucky we have good communication; and thank god she is patient. Sometimes I am unable to express what is going on and it is frustrating for her. Eventually i find words for what is going on and share with her.

[sprite]

As the wife of a bi man, I understand completely. However, 4 months is too long. How long have you been married, and how long has it been since he's come out to you? Have you discussed agreements about opening up your marriage so that he has the ok to see guys without cheating? These fluctuations/needs/desires are difficult and confusing for the bi person as well as the partner. He may not even understand these fluctuations in himself and may not know how to talk to you about them for fear of hurting you. If he has been seeing guys, he may be afraid to discuss this with you as well, and may not realize it is ok with you.
We have always had a great sex life, and desire had never been a problem before; since bisexualman's realization/understanding of himself almost 2 years ago, there have been more times when his desire/need for a man overwhelms, well, darn near everything. It feels like, (and well, is ) rejection. What we have come to understand and work on is that I still need a certain amount of attention for this to work; I should not have to give up the connection, the actions I was used to; he needs to make sure he still pays attention to me and the family despite his urges. I need to understand that it does not mean he does not love me or wants to leave.
It is not your job to have to woo him - It is the responsibility of the bi partner to reassure the spouse and give them the attention they deserve as the primary partner, if the spouse is willing to let the bi partner play outside of the marriage.
You have alot of work ahead of you. But it can be worth it and can make you stronger and your relationship stronger. It can only happen through talking it out. Good luck, and know that you have a lot of support on this site.
Hang in there!

[disappointed]

Thank you everyone for your help! We have been together 6 years total. we are a little better and I am starting to wonder if maybe the weather is causing a little bit of depression. He needs sunshine and warm weather. So we are planning 2 trips coming up soon. I need for him to return to his old self so we are going to go see what fun we can get into together.
I guess I am starting to see we have kind of a reversed roll in some parts of our marriage.
But sometimes I need to be held and made to feel like I am wanted. Maybe you are right he does need to work a little harder on keeping our relationship health. He needs to decide if this is what he wants still.
If so he needs to work on a better way to balance his life. Most men would love for their wife to understand them as I do him.
I think he needs to put us first or let me go.
Thank you all!