Parents Visiting

[Justin Chad Taylor]

My wife's parents are coming to visit next week and they do not know that we are bisexual. To them we are married and trying to have our first baby so we must be completly straight and for the most part we are. My wife dosn't know if we should tell them or not because they might get confused or even upset. Does anyone have any thoughts about this?:bipride:

[rissababynta]

Why do you HAVE to tell them? Unless you guys just want to get it off of your chest or you plan on showing off your new boyfriends or girlfriends, I don't see the point if you don't want to.

[onewhocares]

Perhaps I am a tad old fashion or private, but why do your parents have to know about your sexual preference? I will think that you are the people that they love and care about be you straight, bisexual or anything else. If I were in the situation, I would just be the person I was with my spouse and enjoy their company.

Belle

PS....Enjoy the baby making!

[mikey3000]

Ditto. Why do they have to know? Would you want to know that your dad likes to get pegged, or your mom spanked? Um, ewwww. Don't ask, don't tell.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

If you think its an ewww factor to think about your parents having sex, dont you think they'd have the same reaction to you guys just blurting out the news that ya'll are bi? I'm quite sure they really dont want, nor need, this info...lol ;) I dont think Dad would like the visage of you And the baby sucking on a "Binky"
Talk about TMI! lol
Cat

[NEPHX]

My wife dosn't know if we should tell them or not because they might get confused or even upset. Does anyone have any thoughts about this?

I recommend you consider YOUR thoughts on the topic not just your wife's. Unless you see that they have an interest in supporting LGBT rights or whatever, I can't see the reason for it if it were me. They'll likely have a stroke or 1million questions or both. Watch out for flying bibles too.

1st.. it sounds like its your wife who is wondering if she wants to come out, so, what is her reason for wanting to share that information with her parents NOW(at this time) if she hadn't shared it before. You don't have a a 3rd person who is joining you in your relationship at this point I'm assuming.

2nd why would outing you at the same time be beneficial - comfort in a crowd, validation?

3rd.. If your wife comes out, why would you feel you had to unless you also have a reason for wanting to share your sexuality with her parents. I struggle to see the gain there.

It was my personal experience that family, especially extended family and in-laws are the most difficult to be out to in any non-standard lifestyle. EVERYONE knew of us and we were in a triad for over 5 years BUT extended family (maternal). And, when they found out, it was a downward spiral from then on - X couldn't sustain the pressure from the sociopaths.

Being in a same-sex relationship is difficult enough and pretty obvious if you want to have any family contact with the person in your primary relationship. Its reasonable to want to be out to your family and friends if you have a same-sex primary relationship. But being married and being "out" bi and some form of open relationship even if you just play is really hard to swallow for so many especially family. (I'm go out on a limb in assuming you have some external physical interactions together or separately) . And, don't be fooled into thinking that all the people you are out to and tell you they are fine with it are in reality.

And, it doesn't have to be just one person. It could be a sibling's spouse and family that are homophobic - and word will get around the family. They can intentionally or unintentionally negatively influence your spouse and/or other family members or even your children someday (you would be surprised at how totally EVIL some people are) now or in the future and the resulting mess will be there for a VERY long time. The only recourse can be to cut them out of your life intentionally if they hurt your relationship.

Believe me when I tell you (and others are welcome to comment) that many an extended family member(s) just LOVE to meddle in their childrens life's no matter how old they get. Some just bide their time until there are issues and they can help make a tough time into a real mess.

I would caution you in the extreme. If your wife chooses to be out, let it be her choice. If you wish to do so, think long and hard and make it your choice for you. At 30, things may seem picture-perfect and your marriage might be so.. but too many marriage fail down the road. Things we take for granite today are completely changed tomorrow.

On a final note, whenever we come out, we should expect one of maybe three responses. Some level of: Acceptance, indifference, rejection.

And, those things can bounce around to and have different levels at different stages. People "Find GOD (and sometimes homophobia too).

Some people/friend's/family you will keep and they will accept you. Some you will lose because they can not accept you being not str8 in their value system.

Are you and your wife prepared to lose your in-laws or change your relationship with them perhaps significantly?

Example, your in-laws may be fine with a gay/bi son/daughter but not so happy about a son-in-law that sucks c*ock and has sex with men with or without his lovely wife. Could result in brain matter splattering on the walls (their own) just trying to wrap their minds around it.

"Golden boy son-in-law" could suddenly becomes "leper son-in-law". Once favorite daughter becomes "the child that is odd with that odd guy that corrupted her."

[NEPHX]

My wife dosn't know if we should tell them or not because they might get confused or even upset. Does anyone have any thoughts about this?

I recommend you consider YOUR thoughts on the topic not just your wife's. They'll likely have a stroke or 1-million questions or both. Watch out for flying bibles too.

Being in a same-sex relationship is difficult enough and pretty obvious if you want to have any family contact with the person in your primary relationship. Its reasonable to want to be out to your family and friends if you have a same-sex primary relationship. But being married and being "out" bi and some form of open relationship even if you just play is really hard to swallow for so many especially family. (I'm go out on a limb in assuming you have some external physical interactions together or separately) . And, don't be fooled into thinking that all the people you are out to and tell you they are fine with it are in reality.

Her Choice

It sounds like its your wife who is wondering if she wants to come out, so, what is her reason for wanting to share that information with her parents NOW(at this time) if she hadn't shared it before. It's not like you have a 3rd person who is joining you in your relationship at this point.

It was my personal experience that family, especially extended family and in-laws are the most difficult to be out to in any non-standard lifestyle.


Your Choice

Why would outing you at the same time be beneficial - comfort in a crowd, validation? If your wife comes out, why would you feel you had to unless you also have a reason for wanting to share your sexuality with her parents. I struggle to see the gain there unless you were really, really close.

I would caution you in the extreme. If your wife chooses to be out, let it be her choice. If you wish to do so, think long and hard and make it your choice for you. At 30, things may seem picture-perfect and your marriage might be so. Being bi, out the lifestyle, hip, etc. seems cool to you but others, family especially, may not view it as so cool (I think its awesome but, that me).

Potential Losses:

On a final note, whenever we come out, we should expect one of maybe three responses. Some level of: Acceptance, indifference, rejection.

And, those things can bounce around to and have different levels at different stages. Other people change over time some "Find GOD (and sometimes homophobia too), etc.

Some people/friend's/family you will keep and they will accept you. Some you will lose because they can not accept you being not str8 in their value system.

Are you and/or your wife prepared to lose your in-laws or change your relationship with them perhaps significantly? Are you ready to endure years of pressure to change your lifestyle or lie that you have just to "keep the peace"?

And, they might be the most liberal and accepting people... right up until they say "but, not my MARRIED CHILD...." maybe they'll be alright considering daughter snuggling up with another female (so acceptable) but not so happy about a son-in-law that sucks c*ock and has sex with men with or without his lovely wife (cause people assume that men (especially bi men) are always running around cheating anyway). Visions of AIDS infected baby popping into their head.... always assume the worst.

"Golden boy son-in-law" could suddenly becomes "leper son-in-law". Once favorite daughter becomes "the child that is odd with that odd guy that corrupted her."

[Giggles100]

I wouldn't bother telling them. The only time when being bisexual matters to your parents is when your dating and you start to fall for someone of the same sex :).

It seems your well past that stage lmao! So no need to tell them :bigrin:.

Coming out only has to happen if its a life changing event like meeting a boyfriend getting married or you are infact gay and there is no possibility that you'll meet a girl and even then it should be done when your ready :).


Maybe they'll be alright considering daughter snuggling up with another female (so acceptable) but not so happy about a son-in-law that sucks c*ock and has sex with men with or without his lovely wife (cause people assume that men (especially bi men) are always running around cheating anyway). Visions of AIDS infected baby popping into their head.... always assume the worst.

Wow you need to move from bible bashing country mate!

[rissababynta]

Of course the repressed closet cases and naysayers on this site who have already replied to this thread will tell you BS such as: "But coming out to them is telling them about your own personal sex life!", "They have no need to know!", "It's not any of their business!", "It's Don't Ask, Don't Tell!", and "Why would I want to tell my family THAT?"

.

Excuse the fuck out of me, but I was one of those people saying that if they really don't want to tell them, there is no reason for them to know and I am no "closet case." My family knows I'm bi, my neighbors know I'm bi, my friends know that I'm bi, it states I'm bi on all of the networking sites that I am a member of and if it ever comes up into conversation with new people I meet, they know too.

You don't have to be a "closet case" to have an opinion. You also don't have to be a "closet case" to not want certain people, especially parents, knowing what kind of shit you like to do in the bedroom. For most people, that is creepy.

[rissababynta]

[B]Are you and/or your wife prepared to lose your in-laws or change your relationship with them perhaps significantly? B]

."

I thought the same thing when my mother in law found out...and then I thought...yes...yes I really truly would LOVE to lose her...

[rissababynta]

Well, it's kind of a no brainer that when you find out that someone is straight, gay, or bi, you kind of have an idea of what is going to be going on in their bedroom. If you choose not to act on any of those attractions, then what is the point in making it such a known topic anyway...

I can understand people not wanting their parents to get ideas in their head of what they might be doing with other people. Sure, parents know to an extent if you are in a long term relationship with someone of either sex because...well...that's not avoidable. But beyond that, I don't see why a person would have to give out any more information.

When it comes right down to it, the MOST important people to tell anything to is the people involved in one way shape or form. If you choose to be in a same sex relationship with someone that you consider to be your partner, then I feel that it is only fair for parents to know since that person to some extent should be treated like a member of the family (unless the parents aren't cool with it of course...then they might treat that person however they want...).

As for MY parents, if it wasn't for the fact that I am married with kids and that they know I'm bisexual, they could think I was a virgin for all of the information and chats about sex that we've gone over lol. And vice versa. I have never heard my parents have sex, I've never seen them acting sexually towards each other, and they have never spoken about their sex life and what types of things they like or are in to. AND THANK GOD FOR THAT...because for all I know they could be going to have a foursome with another couple on the weekends, which is cool, but I sure as shit don't want to even think about the possiblity. EWwww, just creeped myself out...

[BLCHGK777]

Well here is the thing: What are YOU and YOUR WIFE comfortable with?

People on here can debate all day on this and it might just get you even more confused due to all the range of opinions on this site (not in a bad way... most of the time). I believe it all depends on where you are secure in your life. If you feel being open is the best policy then there shouldn't be a problem. Then again if you feel that they might flip out then why taint a good visit by causing what might end up being drama blowing up in your face, and them leaving. Also if you have even the slightest thought in your mind not to tell them then you are uncomfortable and not stable with the thought of telling them therefore you should wade things out till this feeling subsides. Even the slightest can make a difference on how you feel later.

This decision isn't something that should be asked to be decided by internet questions in my opinion because when it all boils down you and your wife have to decide on whether to tell them and most likely it should be based on your circumstances. Everybody is different and the people around them act differently then the people around you might act so basically what choice matters most is yours. But it doesn't hurt to take these post all into consideration).Sorry if any of this was confusing (I tend to be very confusing).

I wish you both the best on deciding. :)

[Giggles100]

I CANT BELIEVE HOW LARGE WITH THREAD HAS BECOME! ITS POINTLESS!

At the end of the day you have no idea how lucky you are!

You have the house. the wife. the kids. the picket fence. the 2 car family. EVERYTHING! You don't have to deal with the constant questions.... the awkward silence from your mother when a distant relative asks you "when your gonna find a good wife" and you don't have to deal with comments from your homophobic brother who has a wife and two kids!

My family constantly try to pry into my life to quantify what I am. My aunty is convinced at the moment I'v a boyfriend and my mum and dad stopped asking me years ago :(. I'm still bisexual but can't see myself in a relationship with a girl! I just can't even though I'v a fuck buddy who's the sexiest things since girls were invented I just can't go there!

You think you have problems?...... Explain your original post at a gay/lesbian group meeting..... you'll be laughed at :(.

RANT OVER.........

[Jackal]

I wouldn't bother telling them. The only time when being bisexual matters to your parents is when your dating and you start to fall for someone of the same sex :).



Agreed, at this stage, it makes no difference whether they know or not. I don't see the point, not from a 'how will they react' point of view, but just, why bother? Unless they think they can be bigots about LGBT in your home, or you have a relationship with someone and feel that your in-laws and this person are going to have to meet; I wouldn't bother. Your wife can come out if she wants to, it's her life, but I don't see why it matters at this stage.

[Giggles100]

Giggles it's time for you to come out to your family as bisexual or whatever your sexual orientation is if you're gay or discover that you're homosexual and not bisexual as this can happen.

No you will not get laughed at for explaining the original post at a GLBT or gay/lesbian discussion group.

When I was married to a woman we would go to a local gay/lesbian discussion group and I was out as bisexual married to a heterosexual spouse and people were supportive.

Even now I go to gay/lesbian discussion groups and gay men and lesbians are supportive of my bisexuality and I do not get laughed at or feel out of place or like I do not belong there.

Thanks babes :bigrin:. I know I kinda went off on one then :eek:.

I guess I'v been thinking lately.... :rolleyes:

[rissababynta]

I CANT BELIEVE HOW LARGE WITH THREAD HAS BECOME! ITS POINTLESS!

At the end of the day you have no idea how lucky you are!

You have the house. the wife. the kids. the picket fence. the 2 car family. EVERYTHING! You don't have to deal with the constant questions.... the awkward silence from your mother when a distant relative asks you "when your gonna find a good wife" and you don't have to deal with comments from your homophobic brother who has a wife and two kids!

My family constantly try to pry into my life to quantify what I am. My aunty is convinced at the moment I'v a boyfriend and my mum and dad stopped asking me years ago :(. I'm still bisexual but can't see myself in a relationship with a girl! I just can't even though I'v a fuck buddy who's the sexiest things since girls were invented I just can't go there!

You think you have problems?...... Explain your original post at a gay/lesbian group meeting..... you'll be laughed at :(.

RANT OVER.........

I'm sorry to hear that you have things so difficult. Perhaps you should really sit down with your family and explain things to them so there is no more uncomfortable speculation. However, I don't feel that it was necessary to sit here and put down the OP for not being in a situation as...for lack of a better way of saying it...serious as yours. He came in search of answers to a situation he has going on in his life right now. That is all.

[Giggles100]

I'm sorry to hear that you have things so difficult. Perhaps you should really sit down with your family and explain things to them so there is no more uncomfortable speculation. However, I don't feel that it was necessary to sit here and put down the OP for not being in a situation as...for lack of a better way of saying it...serious as yours. He came in search of answers to a situation he has going on in his life right now. That is all.

Sorry :)

[mikey3000]

I CANT BELIEVE HOW LARGE WITH THREAD HAS BECOME! ITS POINTLESS!

At the end of the day you have no idea how lucky you are!

You have the house. the wife. the kids. the picket fence. the 2 car family. EVERYTHING! You don't have to deal with the constant questions.... the awkward silence from your mother when a distant relative asks you "when your gonna find a good wife" and you don't have to deal with comments from your homophobic brother who has a wife and two kids!



And for the record, just because a person has "everything", it doesn't make them happy. It really could be the firthest things from what they really want, but one thing leads to another, to another, and suddenly they're being pulled down a road of life that they really didn't intend to choose. All this "everything" to you really could be someone else's baggage that is preventing them from finding their true happiness. Believe me, it does happen.

[NEPHX]

Wow you need to move from bible bashing country mate!

Perhaps your right but, then again, every place has its pros and cons.:bigrin:

I'd prefer to work on changing the perspective people have about same-sex relationships/lifestyle and their phobias where I am regardless of how long it takes. Things have gotten better in the past 10-years in my opinion (or have I gotten better at living within the system? IDK).

People still need to live in their towns and cities and survive in their families even if they wouldn't be accepted for who they are if they were out to some/most others regardless if its about being bi, open or poly relationship of some other lifestyle issue.

:tongue:

[NEPHX]

I thought the same thing when my mother in law found out...and then I thought...yes...yes I really truly would LOVE to lose her...

Hahahahaha.. yup yup yup... And, you're welcome to my X-MIL she's a prize!:cool:

[NEPHX]

I'm sure the OP is going to actually foolishly listen to the people like you and the others who have posted to this topic so far who are saying how they should not come out of the closet at all to their family members.


Even though the "you' in the above quote is not me; why would you suggest it would be foolish to listen to others experiences and draw a conclusion for himself? People are drawing on their own life experiences. Perhaps some are not. Ultimately, Justin, like everyone else, has to decide what is best for himself.

Remember, these are not his family members; they are his in-laws.




Some of you people posting here need to lose this fearful closeted attitude you have towards the idea of coming out or telling your family about your bisexuality.

It's not like we live in countries, societies, or cultures such as in Jamaica, Iran/the middle East, or Africa where you can be put to death by your family, peers, and government for being something other than heterosexual.


On the contrary, some of the people in here have first hand experience of their own in their own families personally or observations of others in their families or other families.

In addition, while this may not be Jamaica, etc. there are VERY real ethnic issues related to homo/bisexuality in many groups such as Hispanic/Latino, black, Muslim, to name but a few. Their central "norms"/"value system
(however right or wrong in our personal judgment) often do not allow for any form of same-sex relationships or lifestyle changes other than str8 and monogamous. Just because a family lives in the US, the UK, or where ever, doesn't mean those value systems/norms change no matter how much shoe-pounding you or anyone else does.





Yeah the repressed and closeted people will argue "But it's none of their business!!!! Coming out is somehow telling them about your sex life and what you do in the bedroom!!!!!" as their mantra, however you are part of their family now and they are part of your family and yes they should know about your sexuality.

And, I'm sure many non-repressed, non-closet people may/will have that opinion as well. But far be it from you to stereotype anyone (oh, wait you are). People post their opinion/advise hopefully based on their life experiences and when someone asks for one, why do you insist that yours is the only right answer. What if this person or another takes your advice without thinking through all the other responses and his marriage is thrown into turmoil because maybe his wife's family makes his wife's life a living hell and they split up? What if, what if, what if .... a million scenarios are possible.

Demanding that your opinion is right seems to me to be just as as bad as a person who will not accept someone who is LGBT or non-monogamous.
Everyone has walked a different path in different shoes in different weather to get to this point today.

[NEPHX]

I find it rather hypocritical that you think that people should try to change other people's perspective about bisexuality, or even slightly hinting that they should be out about their sexuality to their relatives or in-laws, yet you are telling the Justin and his wife that they should stay closeted and repressed about their sexuality to their family as though it's still the 1950s. :rolleyes:


You certainly are an angry person. I'm telling Justin no such thing.

Reading Comprehension Check for you there. Never do I tell Justin what he should do. My advise is for him and everyone else is to make up HIS/THEIR own mind pointing out what I find as potential pitfalls from personal experience and observed experience should I have any comments on a situation.

I happen to agree that, when its safe to do so, I hope we can all be out. And, it is one way we can change perceptions. Another is supporting the cause without outing one's self if not safe to do so. Safe has a different meaning for different reasons for everyone.

Regardless of your argument's validity, that you ram it down everyone's throats just ticks people off.

I have stated my own personal belief on changing perceptions by my own being out when and where I think its appropriate.

[Darkside2009]

Personally, if I were in that position I wouldn't bother telling them. They may well have enough problems of their own without being burdened with yours, through some sense of guilt you feel.

My milk-man, post-man and even the guy that cleans my windows don't know anything about my sex life or indeed any other part of my life. Just as I neither know, or care about theirs.

My private life I regard as just that, my private life. I'm not here to fulfil anyone else's political agenda. They have their life, they can make of it what they will. I and I alone, will make the decisions in mine.

I wish you well in whatever you decide, as long as you accept whatever consequences arise from your actions.

[Darkside2009]

If you reveal any aspect of your character to any other person, then, irrespective of whether that person is a friend, a family member or a stranger, it illicits a response.

It might be a favourable response, or an unfavourable one,depending on whether you've won the Victoria Cross for bravery, or you're a reformed axe-murderer, or somewhere in between.

Either way, you will be viewed differently than before. Are you willing to accept the consequences that an unfavourable verdict could bring?

You do not quote their age, but I'm assuming your parents-in-law are elderly. Do you really need to give them an extra burden to worry about? For you can be certain that they will worry, about the state of your marriage, their daughter's future health and well-being, the future health and well-being of any grandchildren you might give them. The moral and psychological effects that might have on their grandchildren. Not to mention the ensuing mess if either you or your wife form an emotional attachment to one or other of your sexual partners.

They will know how they raised their daughter and may wonder if you have coerced her into this lifestyle. They may wonder if their daughter is complying to save your marriage. It may be your wife is suggesting telling them as a way of getting some moral reinforcement on her side if she is feeling pressured by you.

There are a myriad number of questions that will arise should you tell them. Are you prepared to answer all of them?

Then again they may simply say, 'That's nice dear, is there any more cake left' but somehow I doubt it.

[rissababynta]

Coming out to your family or people who you are related to by marriage such as inlaws is completely different than coming out to total strangers who are in your life such as a house cleaner, the postman, or other people like that.

Even if you came out to both types of people it is not telling them about your own personal sex life despite what other people here claim yet do not show with actual facts at all.

For those of you who have come out to your friends, parents, or inlaws did you automatically wind up telling them which sexual positions you love to use, which sexual positions you hate, how often you have sex, when you have sex, who you have sex with, which sexual acts you never want to do since they gross you out or do not interest you at all, if you use sex toys and which ones you use during sex, or which sex acts you've tried that you hate?

If you did not tell these sorts of things to someone when you came out to them you did not tell them about your own personal sex life at all when you came out to them. Also if you come out to someone who is a friend or family it's not fulfilling a political agenda. Nobody says that you simply must go to a GLBT pride event or support all GLBT causes or politicians blindly once you come out.

NEPHX-No I'm not angry.

You may not be telling Justin and his wife to stay in the closet but you are suggesting and arguing that they should stay repressed and closeted based on your negative experiences and very closeminded views on HIV/AIDS and people who happen to be religious. Others here are suggesting that it's best to stay repressed and closeted to your family members and inlaws. I haven't seen a single post where someone says the truth about how it's not a big deal to come out to your family both biological and who you become related to by marriage or a partnership.

It is however very tiresome to constantly read posts on this site where people claim that heterosexuals and homosexuals somehow do not understand us bisexuals at all and usually the people who make these posts are repressed and closeted and do not even try to explain bisexuality to other people who they claim do not understand bisexuality. Or they whine and complain about how their relatives or society would not accept them as being bisexual yet they are not out and nobody even knows if they are bisexual and use the same old excuses of "It's not the business of my friends and family at all!!!!! It's my private life!" even though your friends and family probably already know that you are not heterosexual or at least have a major reason to suspect it.

Ok so anyways...;):bigrin:

[bisexualman]

I feel I should throw my 2 cents in here for what it is worth. Someone told me a long time ago that when speaking on any topic, to any person, especially topics with the potential to harm, ask yourself:
1. Will this information help the person or hurt the person with whom I am speaking?
2. Will withholding this information help or hurt this person?
3. What do I gain or lose in this disclosure?
4. What do they gain or lose?

Frankly I have thought about coming out to my family and children. After answering these questions I have not. If there comes a point where I will hurt them because I have not shared this information, then I probably will. The reason for coming out as gay is important because it is hard to date, have relationships, and function if you are spending all your energy hiding who you are. Fortunately and unfortunately, being bi leaves room for having relationships and dating without the need to spend so much energy hiding.
So for example, to come out to my family right now would cause them so much pain and trauma and all anyone would get is anger, resentment, heartache, questioning, fear. I see no positives.
If for some unforseeable reason we were to break up our marriage, I may tell family at that point, especially if I were to get serious with a man. At that point it effects them, they need to understand what they are seeing and what to expect.

[rissababynta]

I feel I should throw my 2 cents in here for what it is worth. Someone told me a long time ago that when speaking on any topic, to any person, especially topics with the potential to harm, ask yourself:
1. Will this information help the person or hurt the person with whom I am speaking?
2. Will withholding this information help or hurt this person?
3. What do I gain or lose in this disclosure?
4. What do they gain or lose?

Frankly I have thought about coming out to my family and children. After answering these questions I have not. If there comes a point where I will hurt them because I have not shared this information, then I probably will. The reason for coming out as gay is important because it is hard to date, have relationships, and function if you are spending all your energy hiding who you are. Fortunately and unfortunately, being bi leaves room for having relationships and dating without the need to spend so much energy hiding.
So for example, to come out to my family right now would cause them so much pain and trauma and all anyone would get is anger, resentment, heartache, questioning, fear. I see no positives.
If for some unforseeable reason we were to break up our marriage, I may tell family at that point, especially if I were to get serious with a man. At that point it effects them, they need to understand what they are seeing and what to expect.

Two very enthusiastic thumbs up to you my friend.

[sammie19]

The reason for coming out as gay is important because it is hard to date, have relationships, and function if you are spending all your energy hiding who you are. Fortunately and unfortunately, being bi leaves room for having relationships and dating without the need to spend so much energy hiding.


May I ask what this means exactly? Does it mean being bi, that it is easier for you personally to have relationships and keep your wife in ignorance? And that you do. Are you saying being bisexual makes it easier to cheat? I think the rest of what you say is very laudible and also very important. But the bit above is quite disconcerting.

[rissababynta]

May I ask what this means exactly? Does it mean being bi, that it is easier for you personally to have relationships and keep your wife in ignorance? And that you do. Are you saying being bisexual makes it easier to cheat? I think the rest of what you say is very laudible and also very important. But the bit above is quite disconcerting.

I think what he was trying to say is that if you are gay, and hide that, since you are only attracted to one particular person you are forcing yourself to be shit out of luck. But if you are bi and attracted to guys and gals, if you are in a relationship it's not the end of the world if you deny yourself one side of your sexuality because you are still experiencing love, sex, and a relationship. This is the impression that I got. I didn't get the impression that he was referring to cheating at all.

[sammie19]

I think what he was trying to say is that if you are gay, and hide that, since you are only attracted to one particular person you are forcing yourself to be shit out of luck. But if you are bi and attracted to guys and gals, if you are in a relationship it's not the end of the world if you deny yourself one side of your sexuality because you are still experiencing love, sex, and a relationship. This is the impression that I got. I didn't get the impression that he was referring to cheating at all.

When I first read the post my interpretation was much the same as yours, Rissa. Not precisely, but I didn't think he was talking about cheating either. Upon a second and third reading, I am not so sure it is implicitly clear just what he means. I still believe as you do what his intention was, but it does leave some ambiguity.

[Stinger78]

That's exactly what I was thinking.


Why do you HAVE to tell them? Unless you guys just want to get it off of your chest or you plan on showing off your new boyfriends or girlfriends, I don't see the point if you don't want to.

[wantus269]

My wife's parents are coming to visit next week and they do not know that we are bisexual. To them we are married and trying to have our first baby so we must be completly straight and for the most part we are. My wife dosn't know if we should tell them or not because they might get confused or even upset. Does anyone have any thoughts about this?:bipride:

I really dont think that its relevant information that in-laws or moms and dads need to hear. If they're visiting then that means they live out of town. If they live out of town then there is no chance of them "catching" you and you having to deal with the "why didnt you tell me" questions. Its not that you're hiding anything or keeping anything from them IMHO its just that its not relevant information to a visiting weekend. If they were to ask you straight out I wouldnt lie but I wouldnt bring it up at the dinner table either! Some people on here get a little worked up over someones simple question and others answers. Each person has his/her own opinions and it doesnt constitute right or wrong answers as some dont realize!
You and your wife will figure out what works best for YOUR family! Good luck!

[fred fencesitter]

If I was in a relationship with someone (man or woman), I would want that person to know that I was bi. Not necessarily on the first or second date. But once things became "serious." I don't plan on having kids, so that's irrelevant to me.

God knows what my mother thinks. A lot of times I don't know how to label myself. Bi? Straight-to-gay-to-bi? Leaning hetero? Ex-gay (I'm kidding!)

I do wonder, what happens if I end up in a happy hetero relationship for the rest of my life? What am I then? Yestergay?

I think "coming out" is ultimately a personal decision. I do agree that bi's often find it coming out to be more "optional" than gays do.

[sprite]

Ok gang, as the wife of bisexualman, I can tell you right now, no , he is not a cheater. What he's saying is that the people directly unaffected by your actions do not need to know what is going on. I am directly affected by his actions, ergo I know what is going on. If you are gay, and you want to present a 'significant other' of the same sex, then you need to let the parents know what is happening. Hell, if you want to present any partner of any sex to your folks. His points are valid - will knowledge cause more pain? Do our children, our parents (if they were alive) need to know we are in an open relationship? Not really. Not unless we invite others into our lives on a level that directly affects them. We are happy being closeted to some and open to others. It works for us. Good luck.

[darkeyes]

Your family would not go through pain, anger, resentment, fear, or trauma.

Unless of course you are cheating on your wife with other men and women on the side only that with good reason would cause the feelings that you wrote about.

But just coming out to your wife and family and saying that you are bisexual would be a good thing since they probably already know or suspect it and staying repressed and closeted will just make you compartmentalize your life and cause you and not your family the pain, anger, resentment, fear, and trauma.

Does your wife know that you are bisexual?

Very simplistic..for sum true.. for othas not so.. :) Sadly our world has lotsa othas...

[NEPHX]

Nicely put...




Then again they may simply say, 'That's nice dear, is there any more cake left' but somehow I doubt it.

.... and thinking to themselves "that's TMFI over cake" with visions of ritualistic sex acts and midget donkey sex stampeding through their heads. (Or grandpa hittin' his new son in-law up for a b/j after lights out) :eek:

[rissababynta]

(Or grandpa hittin' his new son in-law up for a b/j after lights out) :eek:

Hmmm. Ew.

[Darkside2009]

Re:- The Midget Donkey Sex, eeeaw! eeeaw! eeeaways brings that up to try and embarrass me.

Secondly, we all live our lives in segments or compartments, it is quite normal. Dividing work and work colleagues from family and friends and our own individual needs for time for ourselves and our hobbies.

It is achieving a healthy balance between all these competing claims on our time and energy, that makes for a happy or, a stressful life.

Thirdly, All Over states it is a good thing to 'come out' to one's friends and family but doesn't state why it is good.

He also states they may already know or suspect. In which case I don't really need to tell them do I.

I can't see that it will make their life or mine immeasurably better.

Lastly he states he is tired of listening to people whining, that Gays and Lesbians do not accept them or their bisexuality, yet they continue to keep that part of their lives private.

I can only surmise that the people complaining are either very young, or very insecure, to be worried what others might think of them. If one lives according to one's conscience and doesn't harm anyone else, then they will sleep easy in their bed at nights.

Unless of course it happens to be Midget, Donkey Night, now where did I leave those carrots?

[Papelucho]

It seems like you guys would like to have it out in the open, so I think if you get the chance when they are there you should go for it. It might not feel right though, and in that case, just wait and it will happen eventually.

People get over things, and the earlier you confront something like this, the sooner it will be gone.

Some posters are talking about how coming out is like telling people about your habits in the bedroom, and I think that's a load of crap. Most people don't think of that.

Good luck

[sammie19]

I am actually quite appalled at several posters on this thread. They are no better on other threads but this one in particular is quite disgusting. It is as if they have no idea of the damage which they propose others should bring on themselves. Do they honestly believe that by coming out to close family and other loved ones that does not raise in the minds of those people what goes on in the bedroom? Do they think those people have been neutered and have no idea what people of whatever sex do once in a physical relationship? Do they really believe that those people have so little knowledge of the world and human sexuality that they know nothing? It is an appalling arrogance and a disgraceful negligence on their part if thats what they really think.

It seems to me that if they are not trolls, then their behaviour is certainly trollish. In my mind I cannot believe that people would encourage others to do something which may well ruin their relationships with the people most close to them. By advising as they do it seems to me that they are not what they claim to be, but are those who would bring harm to people of a sexuality for which they have naught but contempt. There is no balanced judgement, no warning the possibility of adverse reaction, in fact there seems only to be an expectation of a positive and welcoming reaction. We know that in the real world there is black and white and all shades in between. There seems no acceptance of this as a reality.

There are those who are posting I believe to try and bring harm to others. I do not think for a minute anyone is so stupid as to accept any of it. Our sexuality and our relationships with those who love us and we love in return are much too important to be put at risk by listening to such incredibly insensitive and uncaring "advice". No we do not draw in graphic detail what we do in between the sheets, but people know all too well what it will probably entail and are able to picture it without being told.

[rissababynta]

Excellent post Papechulo!

Justin and wife, ignore all the people in this thread who are giving you horrible
just plain wrong advice such as how in their opinion coming out is somehow telling people what you do for sex personally.

The people who are telling you that you should not come out to your inlaws, that your sexuality is something that others do not need to know, or that coming out is telling people about your private sex life are cowards and deserve to stay repressed and stay in the closet since they are afraid to come out to their loved ones, friends, and family and actually start living their lives.

I could have missed something and the following of what I say could be wrong, but as far as I've seen NO ONE here has told anyone to absolutely not say anything. It seems to me like everyone is saying that they don't see the point. Or that they don't see the point but if they want to then it is up to them. Please stop saying putting words in others mouths. That is just not cool.

[rissababynta]

Why do you HAVE to tell them? Unless you guys just want to get it off of your chest or you plan on showing off your new boyfriends or girlfriends, I don't see the point if you don't want to.

Is it...this is what I said hun. I asked why they HAVE to tell them, and I said I don't see the point IF THEY DON'T WANT TO.

Anyone else see where I'm telling them that they should absolutely not say anything?

[tg Shannon]

Bottom line, its your decision, my advice is keep it to yourselfs, it is hard to play it straight when you have visitors, believe me I know, when ever someone comes over that doesnt know the real me I go into a frenzy, hideing all my clothes , wigs, makeup, etc. normally I leave all that out, being bi etc is a choice, its also your right to tell who you want when you want, so take it slow.

[Darkside2009]

Ah! I see, so now we are cowards because we don't share your point of view. Lol

When they said you were broad-minded I didn't realise they were talking about the gap between your ears.

To the original poster, if you have waded through all this advice to this point, then you will no doubt have realised that intolerance is not confined to the heterosexual community.

It is just as rife here. In this particular Animal Farm, some think they are more equal than others and throw their toys out of the pram if you happen to disagree with them.

I trust you bear all this in mind when you arrive at your decision as to what, if anything you tell your relatives. I wish you and your wife and any future children you might have well in life.

[Darkside2009]

You don't make a very good Advocate for your own argument, and by attempting to stuff it down other people's throats, you don't make it any more tenable.

Contrary to what you might believe or expect, I lead a very full and rewarding life.

I am not in any pain, I haven't experienced any trauma, I'm not fearful of anyone or anything, I'm not angry with anyone. I live a very happy and contented life. I go where I please, when I please, with whom I please.

If your life was even half as good as mine you should feel well contented.

As to your saying that you told your family about your sexual persuasion and they were fine with it, that's great.

Personally, I know someone that told their brother a decade ago that they were homosexual and the brother hasn't spoken to them since.

So instead of a relationship of some sort with their brother, however infrequent it might have been, they now do not have any relationship at all.

So the bland advice you hand out to everyone that their families will be fine with the disclosure is simply not true. By failing to realise that, you merely demonstrate what a poor grasp of reality you have.

Outside of your gay and lesbian focus groups and friends there are other diverse attitudes in existence.

That doesn't mean these other ideas or views are any better, worse or more valid than yours, but they are certainly as valid.

What worked for you might not work for other people, there is no Universal Panacea. People are as varied as chalk and cheese and thankfully so, or it would be a very boring life.

[12voltman59]

I'd really feel sorry for anyone who would follow the advice of IsItOnMyFace?

He is is nothing but a "troll" who loves to stir up trouble.

Everyone would be much better off and happier if they simply add him to your ignore list.

[NEPHX]

I'd really feel sorry for anyone who would follow the advice of IsItOnMyFace?
He is is nothing but a "troll" who loves to stir up trouble....

Other discussion forums have guidelines. Most MATURE people already understand most of the guidelines anyway but, for the occasional "troll" or seriously immature and ignorant poster such as "IsItOnMyFace?", the administrator simply bans them from the site and deletes their posts from the thread. Admin here does some of that but the site has no written guidelines that I've seen. I've sent him a link as an example of guidelines for a discussion group. Hopefully, the group will consider a set of guidelines and adopt them. This group will be much less effective if it continues to allow posters like "IsItOnMyFace?" to post his barrage of garbage.

Lets face it, anyone with a 10th grade educational grasp on vocabulary would never say there is such a thing as "wrong advice" or "wrong opinion." Opinions and advice are just that, they can't be wrong or right.

Posters should treat the discussion threads just like they would a real world conversation. If "IsItOnMyFace?" talked in the real world (RL) like he is does in his posts, he would be B*tch slapped verbally if not outright, the group would either expel him from the conversation or all would walk away. His social inadequacies, apparent to all but himself, would lead to his isolation in the real world. Unfortunately, we're seeing people "slapping him" and most likely "walking away" from this and other threads or "blocking him" all of which inhibits meaningful discussion.

I encourage others to contact the administrator as well and ask that the site implement some set of respectful guidelines (click "Contact Us" at the bottom main website page).

A few very good guideline suggestions in any discussion or support group environment (or general social behavior for that matter) :

1) No rude, crude, lewd or purposely disruptive posts or emails. No personal attacks ever.

2) Disagreement and debate are fine, but name calling, ridicule, pointed sarcasm and personal attacks have no place in mature discussion

* ADVICE GIVING: Unless specifically asked for it, don't offer it. Speak from your personal experience rather than your large store of opinions.

* PERSONAL SHARING: Speak from your own experience (e.g. "When that happens to me....") rather than to give advice (e.g. "What you should do is.....") which often sounds (and IS) judgmental.

* COURTESY: Anyone who posts personal, purposely disruptive, rude, or abusive messages will lose posting privileges.

* THE FART AT THE DINNER TABLE or TROLLS: When you see an obviously provocative post IGNORE it and notify me privately. The Forum may get drop-in sex seekers, impostors, advertisers of sleazy services, foul-mouthed misfits. The less attention you pay them, the sooner they'll go away.

* R*E*S*P*E*C*T: Be respectful. You may be bored to death with yet another "size" question but the new poster is not. (That's why we have so many posts on that topic.) If you can't give a civil response or a helpful one, don't post.

[darkeyes]

Egg on his face
Chops out of place
Drivels drivel
Talking piffle!

Egg roll
Smellie troll
Oily tanker
Private banker!!!

Tin can
Nasty man
Month old Plaice
All over his face

Does he spoil it?
The bloody eedjit
Nope...
Bloody dope!!!

Brainless pea
All at sea
Smellie plaice
All over his face...

Is it all over his face?
Resounding yes
Doggie canker
A private banker...

[Doggie_Wood]

I thought the same thing when my mother in law found out...and then I thought...yes...yes I really truly would LOVE to lose her...

:eek: SUCH WORDS!! :cutelaugh Wouldn't so many of us wish the same? ;)

Doggie :doggie:

[darkeyes]

:eek: SUCH WORDS!! :cutelaugh Wouldn't so many of us wish the same? ;)

Doggie :doggie:

Def Doggie.. divorced mine..an God.... mite nota been best thing me eva did..but close.. an def gave me more peaca mind than ne otha..:bigrin:

.. me thinks ole witch felt same way.. 'er precious son wos safe from clutches a the lil tart...:tong:

[rissababynta]

:eek: SUCH WORDS!! :cutelaugh Wouldn't so many of us wish the same? ;)

Doggie :doggie:

Well it's true! LOL. It all works in my favor though because we live quite far away from her and the only time she even talks to her son is when he decides to call, so she doesn't disrupt my life as much as she used to lmao.

Rissa 1...Evil Bitch 0

[12voltman59]

I feel I should throw my 2 cents in here for what it is worth. Someone told me a long time ago that when speaking on any topic, to any person, especially topics with the potential to harm, ask yourself:
1. Will this information help the person or hurt the person with whom I am speaking?
2. Will withholding this information help or hurt this person?
3. What do I gain or lose in this disclosure?
4. What do they gain or lose?

Frankly I have thought about coming out to my family and children. After answering these questions I have not. If there comes a point where I will hurt them because I have not shared this information, then I probably will. The reason for coming out as gay is important because it is hard to date, have relationships, and function if you are spending all your energy hiding who you are. Fortunately and unfortunately, being bi leaves room for having relationships and dating without the need to spend so much energy hiding.
So for example, to come out to my family right now would cause them so much pain and trauma and all anyone would get is anger, resentment, heartache, questioning, fear. I see no positives.
If for some unforseeable reason we were to break up our marriage, I may tell family at that point, especially if I were to get serious with a man. At that point it effects them, they need to understand what they are seeing and what to expect.

Of all the comments on here---this has got to be the best one----and I think the most helpful and relevant---you really do need to take each individual case, set of circumstances, life experiences, etc. to make that decision to come out to other people.

As far as I am concerned----Ya got it nailed on this one bisexualman!

There is no "right or wrong" answer that any of us can really give to anyone else in this regard--just things to consider and with your points--you have given some very good points to consider.

[12voltman59]

Something familiar about the advice (and other things) from QueerandLoathing.

[Karasel]

Yes, I agree that a person should do whatever is comfortable with them. If you feel that your parents can handle the news I would tell them. If, however your parent are like mine and told me from a very young age that if I did anything homosexual it would break their heart... Than I wouldn't tell them.

I really wish I could tell them, but I love my parents and I can't break their heart... I'm open with everyone else in my life, though.

[rissababynta]

Something familiar about the advice (and other things) from QueerandLoathing.

LMFAO you thought that too? Funny